Julia Allison Didn’t Watch the Oscars, Has Opinions

Julia Allison, of the emasculating Allisons, didn’t watch the Oscars because she can’t afford cable. Which is weird, since the Oscars weren’t on cable, but whatever.

I would watch the Oscars, but I don’t have a television with cable. I guess I’m stuck with replays on … Hulu? Will they have those??

She did watch clips online. And cried. Yes, cried.


I cried (of course I cried). Now THAT is an acceptance speech. (Sandra Bullock’s moving Best Actress award: http://tinyurl.com/y856k8j)

God, quit being such a GIRL!

And of course, she had opinions about the clothes, like Jordan. And just like Jordan, her opinion sucked.

All the fashion critics hated this.

I, of course, loved it.  (Except maybe the bodice.  But the bottom bit is so freaking awesome I forgive the top.)  It’s creative and whimsical and colorful and – more than anything – FUN!  Which is really what dressing up should be, don’t you think?


OK, you stupid  bitch — may I call you “stupid bitch,” Julia — you are off your nutter. That dress is horrendous, and if I were to give it a compliment, I would say the only redeeming thing about the dress is the top, not the bottom, which. . . gah! It looks like Prince’s shower poof collection. And I love “Controversy” as much as the next person — actually, I love it a lot — but Jesus Christ!

Somewhere in Houston, Mary is having her morning Kale juice and Ketel One and laughing her ass off because she is the better person here. And Mary fucking sucks.


  1. Hi, it’s Normal Healthy Julia with a temporary user name in tribute to that amazing line. Speaking of which, did any of you catch Mary’s post the other day in which she literally whined that her blog is making her “very little rent money” and demanded that readers read the awful new articles by the illiterate new contributors. She pointed out that readers “don’t have to pay up,” so “all she asks” is that they spend more time on the site.

    I haven’t been on much the last few days so maybe I missed discussion of this. Sorry…

    • WOW. Was Mary hammered out of her gourd when she wrote that? Yay! Bitchy, incoherent, idiotic Mary is BACK, baby!

      “If you were standing next to that dress, you’d fall to your knees before you got passed the bust. And THEN, you would admire her for being a fashionista that commands the carpet. ”

      “why do they feel the need to have a slip up the front of their dress that gestures (that is the best word I can think of) to their yaya.”

      “Mariah always looks like a slut, I get that one. But the other dresses are stunning without the arrow upward.”

      “The pictures don’t hold a candle to the real deal, up-close and in the sequins. ”

      WHAT. THE. FUCK?

    • I feel like Mary doesn’t understand fashion that well, like she is just stuck on being thin and wearing boxy shapes.

      She made fun of Carey Mulligan’s dress? IT HAS FORKS ON IT. IT’S PRADA, i.e. genius.

      • I know it has cutlery, and it’s cute, and I LOVE her pixie haircut. The shoes are a little wrong for that gown, but I actually don’t mind the hemline.

        (I swear to god, I’m not this gay.)

      • THIS! She takes a quick glance at it and writes it off as “80s prom” without appreciating the subtle artistry of it. She’s such a hick! And what the hell was that bit about how Carey should dye her hair brown?

        “AND you shouldn’t shop by label. The Prada tag is deceiving here; that’s an 80’s prom dress love.”

        That’s awfully rich coming from someone who used to wear a heinous consignment store Chanel scarf as a fucking TOP just because it was covered in logos. Tacky cow.

      • I’ve always thought she only likes or appreciates things she thinks would look good on herself.

      • Mary has some nerve complaining about how little money she makes from her site, f she wrote like that for any halfway decent publication or site, she would be fired on the spot.

        Also, Mary, Carey’s dress rocked….hard.

    • Russian Girl did you hack your way into MTM and post this? Because surely no one who speaks English as a first language AND went to college could possibly write this way.

    • “My final Oscars note has to do with “sexy” silts.

      All of the women you see above are clearly beautiful, talented, [insert your adjective here], so why do they feel the need to have a slip up the front of their dress that gestures (that is the best word I can think of) to their ya”

      SLIT is the word you want!

      SLIT, as in: ‘If you’re going to blog for a living, you may as well go SLIT your connection to the internet right now, or prepare to live out of your car.’

    • “Carey Mulligan, the young beauty from The Education”

      AN Education, not THE.

      “…before you got passed the bust”

      PAST, not PASSED.

      “…you would admire her for being a fashionista that commands the carpet”

      WHO commands, not THAT.

      “I didn’t crop his girlfriend (whose name I don’t know)”

      It’s Elisabetta Canalis. I already knew her name, but I took the extra what? 3 seconds? To google it and make sure I got the correct spelling.

      And on and on with the typos, grammar errors, etc. Are you really that dumb? Or is your sense of entitlement so great that you can’t be bothered to spell words correctly, or find the ‘right’ word.

      You’re kind of an internet joke. Queen of the Malapropism (look it up), if you will. You want to know why people don’t spend a lot of time on your site/cite/sight? Or you’re not getting the page views you’d hoped for? Well, this is a good place to start. I rarely visit MTM. But when I do? I want to grab a red pen and go to town. Seriously, it’s embarrassing.

      • This laziness is what makes it even more audacious for her to DEMAND that people read her shitty site even if it’s poorly organized and not good enough to spend time on. LAZY FUCKING BONES. And she’s supposed to be the hard worker of this bunch of boneheads!

    • this mary thread is KILLING ME! Oh.My.God! there is WAY TOO MUCH to parse. i was still laughing at yesterday’s “whoa is me” ((c) joey lawrence), and now these gems fall from the heavens! THANK YOU MARY! i will be sure to spend 2 minutes and 1 second on your site to show my gratitude.

  2. you hit the nail on the head regarding MTM’s future…..
    blonde botoxed butt-juice-drinking alkie with the sadz. It’s looking
    quite tragic. Where’s HER Mr. Texas Schlub??

      • Poor pitiful Mare. I actually clicked over to her blerg and watched her boring video about getting her face shot-up with chemicals. Boring but fascinating that she justifies the shit as an UNDER 30…my gawd, she’s headed for big time face-wipe-out in a few years. Can you imagine the many-many cuts and contortions that are lurking in her near future? ouch, it ain’t gonna be pretty….

        Isn’t it about time for Mare to go to Mexico again? Spring BreakTime!

  3. Julia thinks her “controversial sartorial choices” make her kooky, unique and special but they just make her look like a tasteless, classless, idiot. Especially when the illiterate donkey writes shit like this: “It has lots of fabric and glittery things on top and a bow type thing, so that makes me happy enough.”



    Did Donkey just automatically lapse into street vernacular here because the actress is Latina? I never really gave credence to comments here about her racist tendencies, but this makes me wonder. Or maybe I am just finding her so despicable lately that I am deriving the worst possible connotations from everything she says and does.

  5. “Somewhere in Houston, Mary is having her morning Kale juice and Ketel One and laughing her ass off because she is the better person here. And Mary fucking sucks.”

    This x 10000! Julia makes me like Mary AND I HATE MARY! Therefore, I hate Julia.

  6. Totally unrelated but bugging me nonetheless: Julia asking people to take pictures of her at events she “covers.” If she were a real reporter she would know that SHE isn’t the subject. I interview famous athletes every day for my job and it’s never dawned on me to ask someone to take a picture of me doing it. It’s completely unprofessional and amateur and embarrassing. She truly has no dignity or self-respect.

      • And don’t forget Julia at the Met! She’s the only person “covering” (aka crashing the red carpet) these little events that shows up in full gown, hair and makeup. I believe someone that was there came here and commented and said she tried to get in to see the opera but only made it as far as the lobby. She took a picture of herself in a seat as the theatre emptied out to make it seem like she was there. HAR.

      • Yeah. Because if I were going to get a picture interviewing a famous person (or thrusting my tits into the right side of a famous person) that would mean that I’d have to ask another reporter to snap it. Which would be beyond humiliating. I’d basically be broadcasting the fact that I’m a joke.

        When she thinks “journalist” she thinks Barbara Walters or Oprah. But they’re not journalist: they are television personalities and their shows are about them, not the people they interview. This is what she wants. She wants to BE the story, not write about someone else. This is why she shows no interest in pop culture and she’s never written an interesting assessment of anything. She simply has no desire to look outside herself.

        A lot of people with this same mentality (Paris Hilton, etc.) have become wildly famous. Trouble is Julia’s the most boring person on the Internet, and the only thing she has going for her (now that she’s ruined her looks with cupcake and juice colonics) is a mental disorder. So if she becomes nationally famous now it will only be because people are pointing and laughing.

  7. “(As a side note, I’m noticing that not a SINGLE star in my lineup wore a necklace. Hmmm. What does this mean?? I thought statement jewelry was IN. Is it out now?? Katrina! Tell me what this is all about!)”

    Yes, listen to Katrina, why don’t you? She’ll quit giggling soon enough, & she’ll tell ya that no one (w/ any taste) thinks clunky crap w/a clasp is in, much less do they
    wear it for two weeks straight.

      • She’s also too stupid to realize that stars are loaned THE REAL THING and don’t wear cheesy costume jewelry – they wear REAL jewels which are quite a bit more subtle.

        Gawd, she’s such a hick. It’s like wondering why none of them wore an ABS dress from Bloomingdale’s.

      • but…. i’m waiting for a knock-off of kate winselt’s necklace (platinum w/ yellow diamonds. I’ll be fine with silver plated & daffodil cubic zirc !)

    • Why yes Julia, draping yourself in enough rhinestones to drive Claire’s out of business, does in fact make you look more “fresh off the bus from Wichita” and less “A-list movie star.”

    • Jesus. No one in your lineup was wearing a statement jewelry because you picked all the bedazzled dresses and people with actual taste know how much is too much.

      Sparkle Princess is NOT an actual revered look, idiot.

  8. We should seriously take bets on Jordans departure. How the hell would you feel after being forced into a week long vacation and then stranded at the airport for two days and then had to suffer through 30 hours of travel to get back to your home? Jeeeesus.

  9. It’s REALLY starting to bug me that someone who wears her hair in a pouf, wears pouf skirts, and comments on the poufs of others CAN’T SPELL POUF.

    poof |poōf; poŏf|

    1 used to convey the suddenness with which someone or something disappears : once you’ve used it, poof—it’s gone.

    2 used to express contemptuous dismissal : “Oh, poof!” said Will. “You say that every year.”

    poof 2 |puf| |pʊf| |puːf| (also pouf or poove)
    noun Brit., informal offensive

    an effeminate or homosexual man.

    pouf |puf|

    a dress or part of a dress in which a large mass of material has been gathered so that it stands away from the body : [as adj. ] a dress with a pouf skirt.

    • a bouffant hairstyle : he grew his hair out in a sort of pouf.

  10. THIS is an Oscar Dress! THIS is how a man wears a tux! THIS is an acceptance speech!

    It’s like a kindergartner pointing out colors. (THIS one is blue, THIS one is red!) Someone give the child a pat on the head and a gold sticker.

    • Exactly. I mean, she said THIS for fucks sake: “It has lots of fabric and glittery things on top and a bow type thing, so that makes me happy enough.”


    • It’s the suggestion to that she’s some sort of authority. Yes, Donk, if you say THIS is the way to dress for the Oscars, I’m sure all the stars will sit up and take notice. IDIOT.

    • I laughed at that almost as hard as I laughed at “Jordan Reid Berkhow, of the off-the-shoulder Berkhows”

      Oh my god you bitches are funny.

  11. JP, I love your commentary on the gowns, it’s been spot on in regards to tehse wackjobs.

    Totally OT: Did anyone catch House last night? It reminded me of donkey with the obssessive blogger?

    • Thanks! I promise I’m not this gay. I really don’t have any interest in lady fashion whatsoever, I thought I was just stating the obvious, that these girls are fucking STUPID and tasteless.

    • i know, right? except she acutally seemed to provide content and REAL life-casting/interaction.

      wow, even fictional characters do it better

  12. OT: Jordan, pleeeeaaasee, I am begging you. Find someone to teach you, or take a class, on how to take pictures of food. I sure hope her food taste better than it looks because that shit just looks nasty.

    • Oh my god those carrots are offensive! Does this chick EVER look at other food/domestic blogs? Pioneer Woman? The Kitchn? Smitten Kitchen? Anything?

      I can’t get over how Jordan is so incredibly amateurish, yet pleased with herself. It’s fucking embarrassing.

  13. Can we change the subject, please? Celebrities & Look At Me Celebrity Award shows get on my last bitchy nerve …

    Can we discuss Donkey Debutantes instead?
    “Meeting Prom King’s parents at dinner tonight. I’m excited, nervous, and I have absolutely NO IDEA WHAT TO WEAR. Help!!”
    6 minutes ago via web

    • If Easter Whore outfit was good enough for church, I’m sure it will do for the Prom Rentals.

      • Oh lordy, I sense a tucked-in cardigan & freshwater pearls mixed w/ thigh-high boots & a too-short-skirt.

      • WOW, aside from the fact that the VS pants desperately need to be hemmed she looks TERRIFIC in that last one.

      • Holy fuck she wore that schoolgirl costume to visit her grandmother? Mine would have slapped me right in my exposed upper thighs. Also, the alligator isn’t supposed to stretch like that.

        And I have to respectfully disagree, reformed. I don’t think the black-and-blazer ensemble works. It’s all ill-fitting and screaming srs bidness ladee costume from F21 to me.

      • I guess I wasn’t paying much attention to what it was for. However, I don’t think we have seen many ensembles that resemble what a 29 year old woman should be wearing any better than that one. I was thinking that it was a perfectly suitable business casual, woman at lunch type of outfit. Ill fitting, but on the right track. So much better than the mini.

    • for the love of lilly, do NOT wear false eyelashes and thick makeup. you look awful. they will judge you harshly. the mother will be appalled. tone it down.

      • Unless she has a private consultation with Stacy and Clinton in an hour, you KNOW there will be full makeup, sausage curls and an ill fitting outfit. And clomping around in too tall heels. That’s all she knows. Julia is doomed no matter what she wears. The mother will judge harshly. It will be hilarious to watch it UNFOLD.

      • she’ll feel the need to seduce the dad and make the mom uncomfortable

        If the slightest rumour is true that he comes from old money, dad’s going to high-5 his son under the table while looking stern above and mom will either be glaring and staring the tramp down, or drunk in which case she’ll tell “dah-ling” jokes and JA will fit right in. Which’ll it be????

        Either way, PK is going to get a “talking to” afterwards.

      • What nickname will she give the mother? Prom Queen Mother? Will they get Jack in the Box heads, too?

    • And of course it’s all about APPEARANCES. Not about getting to know them, their interests or even – hey – bringing them a bunch of tulips to make a good first impression. Oh no. It’s all about THE COSTUME.

      Donkey fail.

      • ohhhh the smelly hooker shoes ewwwwwwwww or the manolos from 5 years ago. at this point shed do herself a favor to go to DSW and buy a well tailored kitten heel for fifty bucks to tone down the tranniness. but ohhhhhhhhh the makeup it will not be pretty. and what if they’ve read this site???????

    • What to wear is the LEAST of her potential problems. Instead she’d better be rehearsing answers to questions such as, “So, what do you do for a living?” “Why are you taking all of our son’s money?” and “What do you think you’re doing spending six days a week at our son’s apartment while publicly claiming to NOT love him?” Among all the others, of course.

      • “Could we please check your faux Yaledorf’s tote bag, we’d like to see what you stole from our chalet in The Asspen.” Queen Prom Mother to the donkey, whilst keeping a firm hand on her pearls and Birkin.

      • “What year were you born?”

        “Where did you go to college?”

        “Is that your real hair?”

      • Daddy Prombucks: “Why are you refusing to suck my son’s cock Julier? He is hung like a donkey you know Julier, takes after me (wink, guffaw). We don’t need your tulips darling, we own Amsterdam.” (puffs on cigar)

      • “How did you two meet?”

        “What’s matchmaker inventory?”

        “Son, you paid for this?”

        “Waiter! Check please!”

    • I’m sorry I do not understand, you’ve been dating and living with him how long and you’ve never met them why? Also no matter how it goes she will say it was AWESOME. And I predict a lot of braying about their credentials/smarts/money. 3…2…1…

      • Well, back when I met my future wife, in 2003, her dad Googled me as soon as we got serious, so I would hope that Wallet Thing’s parents did the same thing. And if they, whoa boy. MEET THE GAWKERS.

    • “When I was covering fashion week for NBC…”

      “I may go to Harvard Business School next year. I haven’t decided…”

      “I’m proud of the business I founded…”

      “I did two pilots and they really want me but I’m not sure if that’s the direction I want my career to take…”

      “Journalism is a hard field to succeed in. I was very lucky…”

      • Um. This is getting embarrassing.
        Anyhoo, I was saying. It’s so TYPICAL that the meet the parents angst is preceded by the HaHaHa!!! I would marry him next week and I MISS him. She’s sticking to her magical imaginary script; HOWEVER, why would someone you think is not in love with you bother his parents to meet you? I know I only get my folks involved when I assume something is reasonably serious.

    • “Oh, Julia, we watched one of your little videos. The one showing your refrigerator magnet that says, ‘It’s not who you marry. It’s who you divorce.'”

    • Snorting Caviar in Aspen is a great screen name!

      Also, whatever she wears I hope she brings her most beloved accessory…Lily Dog!

    • Yep. A friend has been fund-raising & last week she tallied up contributions from Facebook friends alone … >$1,300 … from Facebook friends alone.

  14. “Somewhere in Houston, Mary is having her morning Kale juice and Ketel One and laughing her ass off because she is the better person here. And Mary fucking sucks.”

    This seriously just made my week. Thanks.

  15. Zoe’s purple dress looks like a grape snow cone that’s been sucked on too long. White on top and purple on the bottom!

  16. Does anyone else watch How I Met Your Mother? J Lo guest starred as a dating expert who wrote a book where she said women should wait for 17 dates until they sleep w/ a man. It made me think of Donkey.

  17. Julia has a sordid history with meeting her beaux’s parents. Check it:

    “I’m not sure what it says about me, but I’ve been having problems with the relatives of guys I date since I was 16 years old.”

    “My first love’s parents banned me from their house. My college boyfriend’s sister and I actually had a fistfight.”

    The weirdest part of this piece is that it ends with ” And if nothing else works, remind your [emphasis mine] parents that it could be much, much worse. At least you haven’t married Kevin Federline. Yet.”

    Wait, are we talking about you meeting his parents or him meeting your parents? So confused.

    There was another article of hers where she talked about getting drunk while meeting her date’s parents and discussion various sexual positions. Back momentarily.

      • wait, i thought Julia was kinda Jewish too? do you think Dadsers converted?

      • YES! Thank you! It was in Cosmopolitan, not her AM New York clips, which is where I was looking. Her entire article archive was recycled during TMI Weakly’s run, up to and including Crying During Sex.

    • well, why the fuck am i not surprised?! julia even plagiarized from herself! see the similarities here?


      In lieu of a full-out “Like Me!” ad campaign, I’ve found that the easiest way to ingratiate my partner’s family to me is by not screwing it up in the first place. Since bad initial impressions are like toxic waste – infinitely easier to make than to remove – I now begin with a calmer, gentler, less controversial version of myself.

      I painstakingly go over everything I should absolutely not mention in their presence, like my strident feminism or that new tantric sex position I’m dying to try. I also watch the alcohol consumption. One too many glasses of Pinot Noir (or, c’mon, shots of tequila) can turn the most well-intentioned first meeting into a cringe-worthy series of humiliating gaffes.

      And if nothing else works, I remind my boyfriend’s parents that it could be much, much worse.

      It may be too late for her, but it isn’t necessarily for you. Of course, the easiest way to ingratiate your partner’s family to you, (or to warm up your parents to your new partner) is by not screwing it up in the first place.

      Bad first impressions are extremely difficult to get over, so start off with a calmer, gentler, less, ah, controversial version of yourself. Preparation makes all the difference – go over everything you should absolutely not mention in their presence, from Ann Coulter to your fervent hatred for creationism, uh, intelligent design.

      And whatever you do, watch the alcohol consumption. One too many glasses of Pinot Noir can turn the most well-intentioned first meeting into a memorable series of humiliating gaffes.

      And if nothing else works, remind your parents that it could be much, much worse. At least you haven’t married Kevin Federline. Yet.

      • jesus christ! Cosmo accepted then ultimately didn’t publish an article I wrote and they published THIS? This writing is trash.

      • why does she talk about Jewish people as if – bracketing them with an idiotmatic emphasis – everyone will understand what she means so she doesn’t have to say it.

        Prom King, I know lotsa nice, sexy jewish girls who are 5billion times less neurotic than her.

      • “Strident feminism.” Hahahahaha.

        There are many things about Julia which are strident. Her “beliefs” don’t make the cut.

      • I don’t know which is more pathetic: that Princess Peltalots can’t use “ingratiate” correctly, or that her editors can’t. You don’t ingratiate the parents to YOU, donks: you ingratiate yourself to THEM. Just remember: you’re the one doing the sucking up.

      • I read this as her usual crappy writing, aimed to condescendingly let the idiot reader know that parents born in Israel come “with a Jew, of course” – just in a messy order because she can’t structure anything for fuck.
        The “breed half-Jews” did it for me, sounds like musings on the One-Drop-Rule can’t be far behind. Overreacting? Maybe. But I find her mere existence so offensive that I don’t really care right now if I am doing her grave injustice.

      • Even that phrase isn’t original – there’s a line in Bridget Jones’s Diary about how “nothing is more unattractive to a man than strident feminism.”

  18. ok, can’t believe i’m writing this, but i have to give jordan some geek cred: she used “all your base are belong to us” in a photo caption. can construction of a lego millennium falcon be far behind? we await your diy video, jordan.

    • She probably just heard someone else say it. I mean, the woman considers ehow.com to be the preeminent virtual marketplace of ideas.

    • Eh. That phrase was pretty ubiquitous a few years ago. She gets only shark jumping cred.

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