In Case You Haven’t Heard: Julia Has A Boyfriend

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Apparently, “my boyfriend, my boyfriend, my boyfriend, my boyfriend” is the new “my hair, my hair, my hair, my hair.”

Megan and I with our respective BFs (!!) during last night’s 26-course (REALLY) double date at the adorably charming Maroni’s in Long Island.

I’m still not used to that word: boyfriend.

Whoa.

(PS. Megs & I are both in DVF wrap dresses, which is, btw, the perfect item to wear when you’re eating 348 lbs of unbelievable Italian food. HA.)

Prom King feeding me one of the bajillion courses last night.  Oh sweet yums.

Also, it should be noted, I am wearing absolutely no makeup.  I just haven’t really felt the need lately. Don’t know why. Probably a combination of being too lazy to put it on and being relieved that I can get ready in 20 minutes flat without it. Men have it so good.  ugh.

I doubt it was actually 26 full courses, but who knows? Maybe Pudding King is a feeder.

But since Julia is all about rewriting history, I’m going to clear somethings up for her. Julia, it’s not us, it’s you. Forman and Leventhal broke up with you because you were a needy, heartless cow, not because the “hate” sites ruined your relationship. TK had a girlfriend the entire four dates you went on with him and he was embarrassed to be associated with you. [Redacted] didn’t break up with you because of the internet, he dumped your ass and slept with your friend because he couldn’t stand your ass. So before you play the victim card again, let’s just remember how horrible you are in relationships, with the cheating and the emasculating and the selfishness and the creating characters out of the men you date for the rom-com you got spinning in the hamster wheel in your head. RBNS never did anything to ruin any of your romantic relationships; you did that all on your own, sweetheart.

That being said, good for you on your new boyfriend. Don’t fuck it up like you always do. Jacy wants a wedding.

168 COMMENTS

  1. You know what I do when I want to focus on a new relationship and protect it from mean-spirited scrutiny and comment?

    I announce it on twitter and my business blog.

    She is so goddamn full of shit.

  2. Whatever makeup she is or isn’t wearing, it looks much better than usual.

    But: The Hair. Oh, The Hair. God, I hope she takes the opportunity to stage a “Lady Godiva” photo shoot with the ineffable Pickett before getting it trimmed.

    • Oh my God. She so would be into a Lady Godiva photo shoot if she’d thought of it first and knew who Lady Godiva was.

      On horseback. Naked. Her Barbie hair covering her nips. Looking all emo. “I. AM. SO. BEAUTIFUL. TO. ME.”

    • The “natural” look is a huge improvement over her usual stage makeup. If she’s going to act like an escaped mental patient, she may as well look good doing it.

      • it’s true. she looks her age, and there is even some resemblance to the old julia. wow, that make-up she usually trowels on does her absolutely NO favors.

  3. “I’m still not used to that word: boyfriend.

    Wedding, on the other hand I can’t say often enough.

    Wedding.”

  4. Just in time for Valentine’s Day…this poor bastard doesn’t know what he’s in for.

    As a betting man, I will set the over/under date of breakup at June 30th. Place yer bets.

  5. Everyone: Do the world a favor and ignore this post. It is just DJ Mustardface and crew trying to self-promote. Move along.

  6. She blends well on Long Island. I think she looks better than usual here but I’m always surpirsed that she (very clearly) goes spray tanning. Or maybe I’m the opposite of surprised. Here’s hoping for a Valentine’s Day engagement kids!

  7. When I was in 9th grade, my two BFFs and I would co-ordinate our outfits for school. “tomorrow we’re all wearing the plaid pleated skirts and the thick black army-navy sweaters.” Like that. Looking at Julia Allison and Megan Alagna in their matching DVF wrap dresses with their matching heat-pressed hair and their matching boyfriends, well–let’s just say it really takes me back. Thanks for the memories, kidz.

    • This picture takes ME back because the women are styled like extras in Love Story, super retro. I have a picture of my mom, dad, aunt, and uncle out to dinner circa 1972 that looks eerily like this.

      The shot where Prop Thing is backhanding a fork into her mouth, on the other hand, is disturbing on other levels. I’ve never seen anyone get fed like that before, baby or adult. Shouldn’t he be facing her and holding the utensil right side up?

  8. On another note, what kind of asocial weirdo stays home to online shop instead of attending a Super Bowl party with her friends and boyfriend? I hate football, and I still don’t relate.

  9. Glad she has found love and is out of that “dinner and drinks” rut she hated so much.

    It’s obvious she blew this guy off at first, and now she is settling because she desperately wants a boyfriend who will adore and indulge her. She can’t handle a relationship with anyone who will challenge her, and TK, younger and more irreverent, was probably way out of her league intellectually. Now she is back to expensive dinners and fine dining, but she won’t be any happier with Prom King than she was with Alex when he used to take her out to fancy restaurants. It’s such a hollow existence, and Julia will inevitably get bored. Hope Prom King is prepared to be proven wrong by all the haters.

    • If she (miraculously) gets the TV gig she’s auditioning for in LA, he’s smoke. If she (improbably) get accepted to Stanford, he’s smoke. If she meets a better looking or better connected surplus economic unit, he’s smoke.

      Prom King = DSN, the Donkey Safety Net.

      • I hope she just passes the MRS. test rather than the GMAT. It may finally calm the donk down but I still fear she would become a mommy blogger and they are far worse than she is currently.

    • I said it here first (I think). If she gets a ring/doesn’t get into a top school, the B-school thing will go POOF! There is NO WAY she is going to B-school if she lands Prop Thing. Why would she? He’ll support her and she can be a journalinst. Mark my words.

  10. OT prediction: the photos of dresses she’s furiously posting to her blog for no apparent reason? Silent gift requests for Prom King. $10 says she’ll actually tear up when he “surprises” her with them on V-Day.

    • Him: I take it these are dresses you like?
      Me: Like them like I want to borrow them or own them?
      Him: Are these dresses you like?
      Me: Designers loan me dresses. I don’t buy them, silly.
      Him: Okay, never mind.
      Me: GOD I HATE YOU YOU NEVER DO ANYTHING FOR ME YOU hahahahah

  11. I repeat from an earlier thread, Maroni’s is five minutes away from my ancestral home and I don’t want Donk ruining it or my fam.

    It’s SO good though.

  12. She needs to stop sying everything makes her cry, or gives her chills, or makes her tremble.

    Julia, see a doctor. NO ONE should be having such nucking futters emotional reactions to everything from wedding pictures to a Verizon ad. Doctors can help you. They certainly helped get rid of the pelvic discomfort I was getting from NonSociety.

    • When I was very depressed I wept at the end of Cool Runnings. A few days later I went to the doctor and started medication and therapy.

      • This made me snort Kashi cereal and part of a banana into the upper regions of my throat/nasal passage. Don’t think it’s coming out. (cough)

        Hilar.I.Ous.

      • COOL RUNNINGS omg. Yes, that’s something I would have done pre-medication. I’m all right now.

  13. I was chilling watching The Game and wanted to catch up on a few things before work tomorrow. I expected nothing new to be on here. WTF. Was I wrong.

    Isn’t there anyone on this planet with enough chutzpah to step in and force her into therapy? This girl needs an intervention, stat.

    You all have already covered the layers of atrocity and ludicrousness that are her life. Everyone has the right to be ugly but she abused the privilege!

  14. C’mon guys, tinted moisturizer and false eyelashes aren’t makeup, geez. Neither is acrylic paint.

    • I thought the pilot (audition) she was filming around Halloween was for E!, but she didn’t get it. Speaking of pilots, when do we get to see Jordan & Jules in that untitled Mark Burnett project?

    • OMG it looks like he DOES! He also has the metrosexual orange oompa loompa tan going on. Hmmm matchmaker because he is too metrosexual for normal girls perhaps?

      • Unless he currently holds a Senate seat, donkey don’t do dark skinned humans. She is deeply uncomfortable around “other” — be it ethnically different from her, overweight (like her, but not in her reverse body dysmorphia-addled mind), state university alumni (because her stint at Indiana U has been erased from all records)…No way is she dating a non-white.

      • Maybe, if she hopes he’ll make a lot of money in finance. You know how good at math Asians are! (unlike women) 😉

      • And it always seems like he’s showing off his waxed arms – in most photos of him his sleeves are shoved way up past his elbows. Weird.

        Also? He has really small carnie hands.

    • That the first thing I noticed!!!!
      Donkey looks like she is showing it off with her choice of photos. Bizarro.
      As a guy (and a human being), I still find those smiley faces creepy and demeaning.
      Why post photos at all if she is attempting to *protect their* identities?

  15. In the pic where he’s feeding her, I so want to do an “invisible penis” LOLcat caption. It looks like he’s VERY actively assisting Jankles with a bukkake gig. (Sorry but it does!)

    • now if only TMI weekly had done an episode on bukkake facials. now THAT would have been service-y! *gags*

  16. “…perfect thing to wear for the pilot…” All pilots have a budget for wardrobe, princess. Your “pilot” is not a pilot. It is a joke. As are you. Everyone is laughing.

      • Oh man, that would be a great username.

        I’m not up on my Hollywood but you’d think after she did all those “pilots” she would say something about them afterwards. Like “Oh, it didn’t get picked up, but it was really fun.”

  17. how long til she writes the “he gave me everything I wanted… But i felt like something was missing…” post? When she moves to LA?

  18. Can’t wait till she reads some self help book called “Don’t Settle: You’re Better Than That” and the sad tearful post explaining why she had to dump him. Or cheat on him.

  19. Does anybody else think the BFs switched places for this photo, in order to keep all us junior detectives off the scent? I say this because Lasagna’s guy has moobs, and Julia’s dude is feeding her backhanded in the least romantic way possible. Plus, who else but her new boyfriend could snap that photo without getting the dry heaves?

    I wonder when will she’ll post the photos of the two of them sharing a single strand of spaghetti.

    • I wouldn’t rule a switch out – PK has a significantly larger build in the pictures she has posted previously. And Lasagna would do anything for Donkey.
      At any rate, Donkey is incapable of being truthful – even when there is no reason to lie.

  20. @6IXD – Ha, yes … he’s with his boys (and @JordanBerkow’s hubby Kendrick) watching amongst vats of beer and wings and chip

    And yes, the bf is Prom King. 🙂 about 8 hours ago from web

    and this is classic

    Will @juliaallison ever retire from public? Not snarky, sincerely: when does lifestreaming of 00’s personalities run its course? about 9 hours ago from web

    @robmillis – I’ve considered “retiring.” Almost did it! But for now? Probably never. Although I reserve the right to change my mind. 😉 about 8 hours ago from web in reply to robmillis

    All I can hope is this prom king marries her and makes her retire

    • Nice emasculation of PK *and* Jordan’s husband, donkey. STFU with the boy/girl shit. This is not first grade!

    • Haha! She needs a pretend career when Prop Thing’s working long hours at the firm. She won’t retire. She’ll do what she does now. Nothing.

      • How sad. She’s going to be a boring rich wife. She’ll redecorate and have the heir and the spare, and get her hair done, and post pics of her manicures. Prepare for the snore harvest.

        Where’s my rich fuckwit to marry? I’ll make Zelda Fitzgerald look like a fucking peace corps salvation army minister. THAT’S what being a rich wife is about, Joolz.

  21. Someone above noted the obvious body language in this post; if that really is PK beside her, homeboy sure doesn’t appear to be boyfriend material…what a horrible way to feed one’s supposed girlfriend! His body language in that second pic especially makes him look as repulsed as he would be if he had to feed his future mother-in-law!
    I’m with the poster above: I think their boys may have switched places on us. Isn’t PK swarthier?

  22. Funny how she settles for a dude located in NYC, even though she’s been braying about Stanford. Possibly Imaginary Hipster Lawyer is closer to California than Prop Thing.

    I bet her “decision” has everything to do with her recent pronouncement that “math is hard.”

  23. This guy is TOTALLY a feeder. Look back at their old dates – multi restaurant meals, a dozen cupcakes, eggnog, giant cupcakes… he’s fattening her up. She’ll be 160 by this summer.

    But it’s funny when Julia thinks she’s thin enough for LA and for TV.

    • I agree with the too fat for tv point — especially bc she is only qualified (and barely!) for entertainment tv. Entertainment TV is about appearances for a start. It is the most image obsessed kind of broadcasting job you can go for.

      I mean, it isn’t like she is a real journalist with real interview skillz she is bringing to the table.

      If she actually had talent, qualifications and drive i would disagree on her being ‘too fat’ for it (Bc she isn’t a true fatty. Yet!). It is precisely because looks is all she offers that makes her too fat for it.

      If you have nothing else, you’d better be flawless to the eyes and ears.

      Sadly, she fails on both scores.

  24. This all just so sad! For Prop Thing.

    There is so much up there on her blergh right now indicating this is a settling kind of scenario. Prop Thing is going to flip his shit when that sensation on the end of his dick goes away and he goes back to thinking again.

    So, he was persistent and those are some time the better males to settle down with? She still adores HL and will always have a special place in her heart for him (this reads like he spurned her ass bad, ps)? And Prop Thing was just easier in that he lives 2 blocks away??

    Um, ok sweetie. Whatever yarn you want to spin, have at it.

    No man you want to marry would take that kind of drubbing online and not see it for what it really was. That coffee convo is SO telling! How can he not read that and see what is going on?

    • I don’t know. I’ve had “persistent” suitors in the past, all of whom I ultimately found to be intrusive, obnoxious and annoying. So, yeah, good luck with settling for someone you weren’t THAT interested in to begin with. Also, the assumptions behind this mathematical model (!) seem more than a little out of touch (I would say sexist, but I don’t want to be called the J-word again). Do educated career oriented women of today really mainly look for a partner who can support the offspring? Isn’t the world a little more complex than that by now? But whatever helps Julia spin her desperate move into something “natural” that is actually backed up by research.

      • The persistent guys I’ve dated both turned out to have massive problems. One of them stalks me to this day and we broke up a decade ago.

        Let’s just reflect here–this guy took her on a prom-themed date, wore a Christmas sweater on a carriage ride for her and gave her a giant cupcake. Was he also the one who went out with her when she wore the antlers? Not sane.

      • Given the entire setting, my weirdo alarm is off the hook – not necessarily a creep, but most likely someone with little to no self esteem/self respect. I mean, you throw all these themed dates at a woman – which is strange to begin with, but whatever – just to have her say, well, we share a postcode, so let’s give this a shot. Sad.

        I also used to be contacted by this one guy for years. He tracked me down at least once a year to “see how things were” – including calls to my bosses which was only mildly awkward. It only stopped when I left the country. Persistent, another way of saying not knowing when to stop.

      • The other guy I dated, briefly, who was like this lied about many aspects of his life including 2 marriages, 1 kid and a substance abuse problem. But, boy, could he wine, dine and romance.

        And Prop Thing is only 26???!!!! What self-respecting 26 year old supposed high roller in NYC would put up with this crap for someone like JABA? Not one. This guy has issues.

      • PK may well be a very nice, generous and solid guy who sees only the best in people and Donkey is taking advantage of him. Maybe, since he’s doing so well at 26, he hasn’t had time to really date. Maybe he really enjoys coming up with dopey theme dates and he’s found an enthusiastic partner in Donkey.
        PK may also be the Michelin Man for all we know…

      • i am not going to judge prop thing so quick — i judge her for her ridiculously (see what i did there!?) lame antics.

        i will say that in my own experience, i have not found persistent to be good. if things are too one sided, it just isn’t good for anyone. and the persistent dude who will do anything for you at first will turn on you in the event that none of his expectations are met (they seldom are!).

        but we don’t know his deal — we only have that awful mating BS she is peddling, plus her version of events. this is a spin to save face, obvs.

        when he gets bored of lavishing her with attention and actually wants reciprocity, he’s gonna be pissed when she fails to be decent (which is what i predict will happen — she is settling here after all).

        b/c it is clear he is somewhat less saavy/sophisticated (i say that based on the theme dates being so gimmicky) than what she goes after and she really wants someone clever.

        which is what her problem has always been b/c she isn’t fucking clever or even intellectually interesting enough for those types herself.

        anyhow, it’s on that score this shit is doomed. she is just taking what is available instead of really soul searching. which is what she needs to do to be girlfriend material. prop thing is probably too good for her.

  25. the good:

    she looks great! for her at least! good for her washing off some of that makeup. and her hair really doesn’t look that terrible. baby steps!

    the bad:

    she’s going to blog the shit out of this relationship. julia will act as though she is the first person to ever have a boyfriend and will blog every. single. conversation until she kills the relationship.

      • PS, this mean cat lady with her wizened heart actually (see what I did there?) does think Julia Allison looks way better in these photos–younger, happier, attractive. If she’s smart she’ll keep it up. However….

  26. Love the McCartney Lennon photo giving her the “bitch, please” over her shoulder.

    Julia, even other 2 dimensional objects find you shallow.

  27. The feeding photo just looks like she was eating, thought “oh won’t it be cute to take a pic like you’re feeding me,” so he just put his hand on the fork she had already stuck in her mouth. Completely set up and completely nutso.

  28. Well at least she’s spending time with Lasagna besides throwing Lily out the car window as she drives past her house.

  29. On her site JA claims that she’s not single anymore. Uh, doesn’t “being single” end with “being married”? I mean, that’s great she has a boyfriend, but that’s a lot different than not being single. Like, she’s dating, she’s in a relationship, but she’s still single. She just wants to get into that other camp SO BAD but I think that saying stuff like that’s only going to ruin it.

    • Eh, while I totally agree that she’s dying to be a smug married, I don’t think leaving your status as “single” when you do have a boyfriend is particularly crazytown. I mean, if I found that my boyfriend still had his Facebook status as single after we’d been committed to dating just each other for awhile, there might be some WTFing.

      However, we’re dealing with JA here, and it’s just silly for me to pretend that normal laws that govern rational people’s lives apply to JA.

  30. Wow. She makes Prop Thing her boyfriend after 1) reading “Settle for Him” or whatever and 2) telling the world the deciding factor was that he lives down the street. He’s desperate, stupid or both.

  31. All the dresses she posted are absolutely heinous except for the Marc one, and I don’t even like it that much. But honestly, I would KILL to see her in the exaggerated shoulders dress… just for the lulz.

    • Seriously. I love it when she talks about “fashion.” It’s like when little kids pretend they’re business people and make fake business cards to hand out to their parents, only they’ve spelled “business” like “bizness.” Just darling.

      • LOL. Spot on, pp!

        Har-Har, I love it when she talks fashion too. She has the uncanny ability to find the ugliest, most unflattering and cheap-looking dresses EVER. It’s kind of amazing.

        I was browsing ShopBop earlier today and thought I’d love to see Julia in a Herve Leger. It would be a hot mess of epic proportions. Anyone wanna buy her one? YSL Bergdorf’s dude, where are you?

  32. Does this mean that her B-school plans are dust? Why work hard making fuck-you money when you can live off someone else’s ?

    • I don’t know…if a dude thinks he can’t do any better than Julia, he’s probably right. This ass hat enjoys being emasculated and will probably hang around and take it until she gets sick of him.

  33. It is so sad I am. Face-a-book bestie has new man. Man not me. My heart weeps. She my sweetheart still is.

  34. Sanjiv I am telling you that you are stepping out of line. I will be revoking your membership in the Julia Allison Fan Club Eastern (Brown People) Division faster than a woman being chased for dishonoring her husband. A warning this is!

    • Mimesh, is it understanding you of “boyfriend” have? “Boy” is man who immature is, yes? Friend Rajit sez that this a term of endearment is which means that saod immature man can touch woman’s breasts and allowed to ejaculate in canal of birth is. CAN BE THIS??

  35. Did he go on a Butt Squirt Cleanse because he looks half the size than he did before? I think he really is the fatty sitting next to Lasagna.

  36. I love how she keeps changing the time stamp on the “boyfriend announcement” post, so that it’s the first thing people see when they go to her nonsociety page. Pathetic donkey.

    • I KNOW!! What the hell is that??

      Also, so deeply pathetic. For almost a year she’s whined about wanting a boyfriend the way some people whine about wanting to buy a new car. And she finally lands some poor fool through a matchmaking agency because she can’t get anyone else, and when turned down by absolutely every other man she was interested in, starts braying about this guy.

      It’s like settling for a third-hand Ford Escort after pleading for a Jaguar for months. And bragging that third-hand Escort is just as awesome!!!! She didn’t want the fancy luxury car after all!!!

      LOSER

  37. Prom King is not fat, he was just wearing a huge coat that day. I know this won’t be a popular opinion, but all the body snarking about Prom King makes me uncomfortable.

    • I didn’t like the body snark either – he did seem like a bigger person though in the other pics – not fat – but taller and broader. Oh who gives a fuck, beteween Donkey’s photoshopping and her constant manipulation of the truth, nothing on her site can be interpreted at face-value.
      Speaking of which, what I find especially off-putting is how she puts that stupid smiley thing over his face. It looks like she is ashamed of him or something.
      And didn’t she just say he thinks it fun and cute or something to be mentioned on her site?
      If Julia were a guy and blocking out his female date’s faces there would be a shitstorm.

      • I still don’t understand why she posts picture of him at all if she’s going to cover his face. Why bother?

      • Seriously. Plenty of people have met him by now. His identity could easily be discovered by anybody who gives a shit. It’s telling that his name is still a “secret.”.

  38. OT, but I love how Jordan has her friend’s bachelorette party all shilled and sponsored out. She’ll probs write the rest off as a business expense.
    And the Sex & the City bus tour – how novel!
    These creatures are odious.

  39. Popping in here real quick while catching up on Julia’s drama and first of all, YAY! She’s back and crazier than ever! Oh happy day!

    Second, holy shit, that mating ritual article. Wow just wow. “As time goes on and the male has not quit it becomes increasingly probable that he is a “good” male.” Or a creep.

    “Good males are more persistent and do not give up.” Yeah, it’s not about being incompatible or maybe not being his type, it’s that he’s a BAD MALE.

    “The female’s strategy is a compromise – a trade-off between on the one hand the greater risk of mating with a bad male if she mates too quickly, and on the other hand the time cost of delay. Under this compromise there remains some risk that she will mate with the wrong type of male. She cannot eliminate this risk completely unless she decides never to mate.”

    IT’S JUST SEX FOR THE LOVE OF GOD

  40. I read this site for the very first time, and I must say, if you hate Julia that much, why the hell do you care so much about her and write all this stupid stuff about her and her lifecast? I dont get it.
    Maybe you all should get your own lives.

  41. Everything about his body language in photos with her shows he’s not that into her. He wants attention.

    Julia’s boyfriend is a hapless fame whore, like her. HILARIOUS!

  42. I’ve never been in the “she’ll be alone forever” camp, just that she won’t get the guy she thinks she deserves, i.e. some rich tech founder type who will help her become more famous or whatever. Some mid-level lawyer or finance guy who isn’t that hot would go for it or at least indulge the crazy for a while. However, she thinks she should be dating writers and creative types. Soooo not her sphere.

    Take a look around nyc–there are many, many mediocre men here in job monkey positions (I know…I live and work in the financial district and am surrounded by these types). Granted, if they make decent money, they still think they’re entitled to fuck a model, but the reality is that a woman who is really outgoing and decent looking can hook a certain level of guy.

    The idea that Prop Thing is a decent-hearted person who sees the good in everyone, blah, blah…could be true. But guys like that? Who really want a relationship? Don’t date fame whores.

    I went to a conservative university and had many male friends who got married between age 25 – 30. They were intelligent, made money and were “good eggs.” They married women who shared their values, etc. They didn’t marry out of their “pool.” Not my type, but, if that’s what Prop Thing is, she has no chance long term.

  43. It’s very sad that Lasagna is wearing Julia’s cast-off DVF’s. Jesus Christ girl, get a fucking life. That’s the one she wore in the terrible car rental web commercial.

    • to be fair, lasagna lives at home with her parents in lawn guyland and has to be making next-to-nothing as the “COO” of “NS”. what other choices does she have? the dollar store doesnt sell wrap dresses…

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