Julia Allison is a Horrible Writer And An Even Worse Comedienne

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God, these tweets miffed me so much last night that I actually dreamt of Julia Allison. She was trying to have me killed because I knew of a clandestine affair she had with a married Azerbaijani dude. Side Note: I hate my life.

Barbie was right: math IS hard! Sigh.

Just got the packet for Friday’s vh1 taping on “Famous Men who Cheat.” Shockingly, it’s a baZILLION pages long! Oh, wait. No one’s shocked.

Urgent question of truly momentous import: Which “Word of The Day” is superior – Dictionary.com or Merriam-Webster’s?

@FloreatMagdalen / @rbillow – although I definitely woke up this morning factoring integers. Seriously. In bed. So, uh, yay? Ugh.

Haha! Women are stupid. Men are scum and her use of the word “momentous,” for some unknown reason, gave me enough rage to rip a dictionary in half.

94 COMMENTS

    • VH1 = hasbeens/never-heard-ofs doing commentary bits for free/exposure
      pelt taping = “NBC NY Nonstop” = public access-ish one-off bits nobody watches, and occasionally gets broadcasted in taxicabs, ALSO probably unpaid

      • She has a really old vimeo of her walking Lilly and talking about some talking head bit where she was asked about why men cheat. She rants for several minutes about how stupid women are to sleep with married men.

  1. The switching back and forth between Old Face pictures and New Face pictures is incredibly jarring to me. Almost as jarring as imagining running to the bathroom to unclip fake plastic hair and stuff it in my purse before hooking up.

    Julia Allison: EXPERT ON WHAT MEN REALLY WANT*

    * If all men want chemical-coated dumb bimbos with clip on hair.

    • I was thinking the same thing… she looked so much better before she fucked with her face, hair, and body.

      • Has she had something done around the eyes, like an eyebrow lift, maybe? Current pictures vs. pictures of, say 2-3 years ago, sure seem to show a lot more facial real estate above the crease of the lid.

        NOT an improvement, when you see a pic that makes ya think “Oh, she was somewhat pretty BEFORE the Michael Jackson brows”.

        I caught a brief glimpse of some TV blurb showing a short timeline of Heidi Montague = fresh-faced kid > glam girl > sad, cautionary tale.

        It’s too bad when a person is NEVER happy in their own skin.

  2. I feel horribly for the folks in her GMAT prep course – she must be so annoying and distracting while others are serious about doing well. It’s very overwhelming material (at least it was for me).
    I have a feeling Donkey is not going to carry the GMAT course through though… she’s already bitching like showing up for a non-credit prep class is the most painful thing in the world.

    • Can you imagine her telling Professior “hold on, I need to photograph your lecture for my blog…”
      Because I could see the iphone coming out

      • I’m really shocked we haven’t seen any classroom pics on her blog yet. She’s being all scholarly and shit. How is she not braying it to the world?

      • I think she is probably truly overwhelmed and facing a reality check even though I suspect the class only meets once a week. Donkey is probably realizing she really has to do some hard work and prep seriously for the exam.
        She;s so flippant and fatuous about the labels, “HBS,” “Stanford,” “CEO,” – um – “journalist ” – etc… of, and “Fuck You Money.”
        She’s gotten away with so much with very little effort maybe – I hope – she’s realizing now that these things take hard work, humility, and commitment.
        If she’s unable to make this “paradigm shift” its unlikely she’d last more than a semester at business school even if she got in.
        So this weekly GMAT prep course is a real litmus test, no?

      • She’s undoubtedly outnumbered by a HIGH ratio of younger, smarter people w/ plenty on the ball, too ~ I can’t imagine her acknowledging that in her own mind,much less documenting it for her detractors.

  3. My Canklehausen by Proxy may have turned terminal. YOU COME ACROSS AS A TOTAL MORON, AND NOT EVEN A FUNNY ONE!!!

    She used to be attractive. Sad. 🙁

    • I dunno. I was thinking it was a good move, writing-wise and PR-wise, to make fun of the pelts flying off during sex. I actually laughed at that part–sort of WITH her as well as AT her. Maybe Julia Allison is smartening up and embracing the cray-cray? Nah.

    • here, try offsetting your cankleshausen with some SAT word tourettes. just whip out your iphone, go to the dictionary app, and start violently braying the word of the day: inefffable ineffable INEFFABLE!

  4. Wait. Why are some people posting about her being involved with that guy in Half Moon Bay? What did I miss?

    • Some commenters have advanced the theory that Jankles had an affair with the Scobleizer, possibly with a rendezvous at last year’s SXSW.

      I haven’t seen proof and if some people have some RBNS hasn’t run it yet. I don’t know enough about Scobie Snacks to either speculate that he did or didn’t.

      I HAVE been to Half Moon Bay and it is gorgeous, and there were no donkeys braying in the breeze.

    • GMAT class -> dreaming of Palo alto which we assume to mean she is planning on going to Stanford. Stanford is 40 min away from a married guy she likes to fuck in half moon bay. damn house wrecking donkey

      • Yeah. I went to Stanford. I love Half Moon Bay.

        I just don’t know that we should we publicly calling a married guy a donkey fucker unless it’s true. I mean. If he has a wife and children and a career then this kind of speculation could be really hurtful if it’s unfounded.

        But if it’s true? Shame on him. He should be skewered.

      • MacBookAIRHEAD: Your right. I regretted posting it, but the only reason why I did the blind item is because the rumor has appeared elsewhere months before.

  5. “Just got the packet for Friday’s vh1 taping on “Famous Men who Cheat.” Shockingly, it’s a baZILLION pages long! Oh, wait. No one’s shocked.”

    This is rich coming from her and her own self revealed history of fidelity problems.

    And I recommend word of the day toilet paper. It goes well with the shitty writing.

    • SERIOUSLY WTF

      Has she EVER been cheated on? Maybe once by Lodwick, but they were “ON A BREAK” as it were. That’s probably why she still isn’t over him, the only guy she didn’t fuck over. Well, until the next year when she outed his mental illness.

      To me it’s more interesting when women cheat, cause with most men it’s pretty damn obvious why they do it; power and pleasure.

      • I think {redacted} fucked Leven *after* Julia & he were finished. What bothered her was how quickly he moved on? I could be wrong, though.

      • That inch-wide black shadow around here left calf & right hip is pretty suspect, alright & notice too how the polka dots on the right hip look so … weird?

      • This has come up before: people think that a dark outline around one side of Julia’s limbs or torso is evidence that she’s Photoshopped herself thinner. But if you look at photos taken with a flash in your own personal albums, you’ll probably notice the same thing. It’s just a flash shadow on the wall behind her. You’ll notice it particularly in shots with a portrait aspect ratio (i.e. where the camera has been turned sideways, so that the picture is taller than it is wide). And it’ll be really noticeable in shots taken with a flash attachment hooked into the camera’s hot shoe.

        A quick Google turned this page, with a sample image and a description of the phenomenon.

        I’m not saying that Julia never posts edited images of herself; she certainly does. But the black outline is not an indicator of post-prod alteration, and I wish people would stop saying that it is.

      • Thanks for the link, Mini ~ maybe it explains why only parts of the body but not all (on the same side) cast a shadow, cuz that one always bugs me.

  6. I can’t believe she’s still doing these awful celebrity shows. At some point you’d think she’d realize after all this time she has no career in tv.

    The sunburned knees are really sexy though.

  7. JP, you had me and Mr. Fluffy Frecklekins giggling over this entry. Your writing makes my day.

    I feel left out not knowing which married man she’s beauxning! If it’s Scobie, well, that’s a whole new level of pity for Our Lady that I never thought I could reach.

    • Thanks!. Fine, I’ll come out and say it. The answer to the blind item is Scobie. There is a lot of compelling evidence to the rumor, but I honestly don’t think it’s true. Namely because Julia Allison would never move to San Antonio. Plus people I know at Rackspace who she would actually deal with in a social media capacity have not heard of her.

      • Nahh, doesn’t seem likely. Donkey would consider it a feather in her cap to snag a man she thinks will make other woman jealous of her, & the doughboy ain’t fitting that ticket, no how, no way, I don’t care how much money he may have.

  8. Ugh. This reminded me that I had a dream featuring not only Julia but Mary, Meghan and Jordan as well. In my dream we were at some “Women in Media” conference / high school reunion. Jordan and I were somehow already friends, Mary was an out lesbian in a cute outfit who tried to set up a date and kept making hilariously inappropriate jokes, and Meghan and Julia were off gossiping in a corner. Then Julia left for some reason or another and I tried to start a conversation with Meghan, who was really aloof and closed off at first until we started commiserating over how dorky our old school uniforms were.

    I hated myself for allowing these people to seep into my subconscious, but it was actually a pretty entertaining dream.

  9. Megan McCain is on The View this morning! i mean, we knew she was more famous and successful by proxy to her father, and obviously WORLDS more famous than JA but… you know… little daggers.

    • heh… “Ramshackle Glam.”
      Catchy title, no?
      Slap some white paint on a sidewalk find and call it “glam””?

    • “Ramshackle Glam” – It sounds like she used Thesaurus.com to re-imagine Shabby Chic but amped it up a bit. Trainwreck Stylish? Decrepit Posh? Derelict Mode?
      Good lord…

    • Come to think of it Jordan has been playing with the hair extensions and weird styles ala Kelly Wearstler lately….
      bizarroland…

    • Oh god. Having a crappy blog is one thing… but an entire BOOK dedicated to how to make Kool Aid lip gloss and ugly painted furniture. DOES NOT WANT.

      Her ideas of “domestic bliss done differently” and “Hipster Martha Stewart” are soooo amateurish and off base. Martha, Pioneer Woman… THOSE are the “experts” I’d take advice from a buy a book from. A pigtailed trainwreck? Not so much.

      Sorry, I know some of you are Jordan fans but her post about that ugly china cabinet this week put me over the edge. She fancies herself some DIY queen but didn’t even have a hammer to repair the drawer and she just painted right on top of that filthy piece of trash without even sanding, cleaning or removing the damn doors and hardware. Total amateur hour. The fact that she was obviously so pleased with herself just proves what a clueless imbecile she is when it comes to anything remotely “domestic.”

      • Thank you Shamoolia. It’s lonely being amongst the few to piss on Jordan’s smug doe-eyed parade.
        However, watching Jordan get flustered with that drawer and going “hmpf” and the even creepier transformation of an already creepy piece of furniture continues to be one of the highlights of entertainment for my week. Hell, that’s more effort than Donkey has ever exhibited…
        It’s a shame Jordan can’t embrace the awfulness of her time-filling god-awful projects with full abandon like Amy Sedaris. Oh wait, that would take wit – and skill and a sense of irony.

      • I don’t mind Jordan, but the idea that she’s a domesticity expert is just… offensive. She might be cuter and nicer than Donkey, but seriously? A book? She’s an amateur, and not a particularly innovative one. Her recipes sound tasty but pedestrian – sure, you can’t really go wrong with quiche or oreo truffles, but it’s nothing special or new. Her decorating aesthetic is pleasant enough, but I’ve seen it a million times, and I’ve seen it done better. There’s nothing different about what she’s doing; in fact, there are hundreds of thousands of mommy bloggers who are better cooks, better decorators, better DIYers, and they don’t act like their content is bookworthy. It isn’t.

        It’s bad enough that she fancies herself a professional blogger. But writing a book about her… er… domestic pursuits? Fucking deluded.

      • “there are hundreds of thousands of mommy bloggers who are better cooks, better decorators, better DIYers, and they don’t act like their content is bookworthy.”

        BINGO. I think that is Jordan (and all of Nonsociety’s) main problem – THEY DON’T READ OTHER BLOGS. It’s like they’re stuck in this uninformed bubble where they think they’re doing something new or innovative and they’re not. There are a gazillion mommy bloggers, shill bloggers, craft bloggers and DIY bloggers doing amazing things but it’s like these vapid chicks just don’t care enough or are too lazy to do the research and see what else is out there.

        I read popular parenting and home design blog pretty regularly and they are constantly linking to incredible crafters, cooks, and DIYers – people that put Jordan to shame. And most of them are weekend hobbyists or do things in their spare time in addition to raising a family, etc. They have great writing, beautiful photography and truly original and inspiring projects, recipes and crafts. The fact that Jordan is FULL TIME BLOGGER and the best she can do is post videos of her repainting trash and blurry photos of her cheesy tabletop – yet thinks she’s good enough to shop around a book deal – is insulting

      • I’ll give Jordan credit for enthusiasm and carrying her enterprise through unlike her “sisters.” However, for the last decade there have been countless other home design blogs who deliver this kind of information with more credibility and more expansively.
        Look at apartmenttherapy.com, if only for example – this site has myriad contributors from all over the place and each and every entry is thoughtful and informative without being all design-snobby and while the collective platform is highly marketable one gets the sense that folk add their bits out of love for creative problem solving – not as a vehicle for a book deal or celebrity. While aprtmenttherapy.com has been able to parlay it’s success outside of the internets speaks not so much about gimmickry and a nice-sounding name but how they’ve been able to capture their audiences by addressing their needs and sensibilities and actually being servicey and inspiring and specifically process-oriented and decidedly creative. And it works without having to slap on some wide-toothed blonde urban domestic ingenue personality all over it.
        I’m sorry, Jordan’s recipes and home decor solutions are so steeped in the late nineties early 2000s HGTV (a model which is clearly not working now) her naivete is screaming. She reminds me of a Hildi Santo-Tomas itching to destroy a home with ill-informed wall treatments (glue-gunned plastic flowers) in a Paige Davis (with highlighted hair) body and delivery style. Or a young Rachael Ray setting up apartment with The Look for Less-era Elizabeth Hasselbeck and calling it hipster.
        Really? Martha Stewart is that the best Jordan can reference? Seriously, chica, do a little more research… I know she went to Harvard but the rest of us aren’t that dumbed down.
        And when I say these mean things, I’m implying that Jordan might actually be unhelpful. And I only say them out of love for the welfare of the future children.

      • Could not agree more JATP! I was actually referencing Ohdeedoh.com above – another blog in the Apartment Therapy family of blogs. I love all of those blogs and Jordan could really learn some lessons from them, although I am not sure how much she could actually implement, considering she’s set herself up on such a terrible platform and seeks to inject her “personality” into her blogging venture. And you’re so right – she is so reminiscent of those terrible old HGTV shows, although even Christopher Lowell and his terrible craft projects had more appeal!

      • Aaargh – Christopher Lowell – forgotten about about him!!!!
        I used Apartmenttherapy as an example b/c it’s the most obvious and successful model – I’ve been a sucker for many other home lifestyle places in the past and have never been as turned off as I am with Jordan. I think I can honestly say if I took my longtime distaste for Donkey out of the equation and forgot she even existed and looked at “Domestic Bliss” as an independent entity I’d still surmise that it is an amateurish off-putting mess.
        Maybe I’m a bit of snob but i also have a lot of lifestyle mistakes and experience behind me and I would think that anyone who had the gumption to start that kind of blog or get a book deal would at least own a hammer or know how to remove hardware. And would have a more compelling or original personal vision or story or stamp.
        I’m not buying Jordan’s schtick. This stuff has been played out for the last fifteen years and it’s all silly coming form a born and bred New Yorker who should be ahead of all this shit naturally. She’s merely flipping her hair with lack of anything more meaningful or productive to do.
        I really question the folk and family around these people – Donkey, Kendrick, the parents who let this slide – really do they love these nonsociety gals while having no understanding of the lasting detriment of the internets and think this kind of stupidity and innocuous as a semester in Florence? Well, maybe Jordan is turning this foolishness into a Detritus Bangle or Chaotic Klass or Shambolic Pearl book – but how can they respect each other is all?
        From experience, besides never folllowing a hippie to a second location, is never trust an “actress” who banks on her looks and has been disappointed. especially the entitled educated ones, they get crafty.

      • Yes! I agree with all these comments. I’m a big decor and design nerd and you guys expressed it all way better than I can.

    • Well, you’ve got to hand it to her, she’s milking her Nonsociety gig for all it’s worth. Did her joining involve access to Julia’s agents?

  10. I just applied to MBA programs, and if I find out that JA gets into ANY and I don’t, I think I might actually have to kill myself. Or better yet, maybe she’ll be my classmate at Stanford!

      • Shit! What to do? I’m comforting myself by thinking that she must be applying in the last rounds (if she’s taking the GMAT now), so her chances are pretty low. But, I could totally see some poor admissions director thinking that she’s a marketing genius and letting her in. Ouch. We might have to have an RBNS bender if this actually happens. God help us all if that woman gets a real degree.

      • Based on my emails with her last night, it seems much more likely she’s GMAT prepping to take it this spring/summer and apply next year. Not going to post the emails, but that’s the impression I got.

    • this picture was taken on the birthday trip for easyjet’s uber-rich founder… so, probably a pretty accurate assumption.

  11. The real travesty of this photo is that Julia appears to be taking a spin on a stripper pole wearing a frumpy muu muu / beach cover up, a pearl bracelet and hideous espadrilles. At least her mind-bogglingly bad SARTORIAL choices have remained consistent over the last 15 years.

    Oh… what… that picture wasn’t taken when she was 15 years younger? Oops.

  12. So this is quite off topic, but I need to get this thought out of my head.

    Does anyone here still watch American Idol? *notes straggling number of hands, some half-raised*

    Ok, well I do, and it’s a guilty pleasure I can’t even enjoy anymore because that stupid brunette judge (Kara Diguardio or something or other) REMINDS ME SO MUCH OF JA. Her horrible hair, her hideously oversized and bright veneers, her irritating voice, her attitude…UGH. HATEHATEHATHATHAHTAHTETETETE

    Alright, glad it’s out of my system.

    • I agree with you. That’s also the reason I can’t watch Glee, the brunette girl with the wide smile gives me the Julia scares. So does entertainment reporter Maria Menunos(sp?). She has the same smiling moron expression that Julia does.

      • The girl from Glee is a total JA! I shuddered during the season finale when she came out for the big number wearing what appeared to be a variation of the infamous Aqua dress.

        Continuing on this topic, does anyone watch House? The most recent episode featured a female patient who was young, hot, and married to an older, wealthier man. After bringing her in for treatment they realized she was a clinical psychopath…as the episode went on she started to act and look scarier. I swear, she could have been JA’s doppelganger: behavior, looks, Joker mouth, everything. I would not be surprised if the writer were one of us.

  13. Now she’s having her blood checked because there MUST be an issue with her thyroid or glucose levels. It can’t just be that she’s fucking incapable of taking care of herself.

    Also, I must be an idiot because when I first saw the photo she posted of herself with a syringe in her arm I thought, “Aw, she’s donating blood!”

    • Same here. It’ll be funny when every medical professional she visits comes back with the same diagnosis: Terminal Idiocy.

      • Yeah really. The diagnosis can’t possibly be “Honey you’re fucking 30 now and you’ve ruined your body chemistry, yet you expect to continue effortlessly looking 25 years old.”

        There’s no pill or juice to fix that problem, so she doesn’t want to hear it.

      • Makes you wonder if those weeks at home were voluntary or an attempt by her folks to get a good look at her lifestyle. Better late than never, I guess.

    • Yes, Julia. You are tired and gaining weight and depressed because your thyroid is failing. Sure. That’s it.

      Julia’s only illness is that she sits around doing fuckall all day long and eating badly. There’s nothing wrong with her that a real job wouldn’t cure. This casting about for some medical excuse for her laziness is infuriating.

      Julia, how about you shut up until you have my best friend’s problem – pack on 60 lbs and pray to god that Thyroxin solves the problem, and when it doesn’t and you have to have radiation on your thyroid that makes staying thin an exercise in frustration. Till then just get a fucking job and start sleeping and eating like a normal human and you’ll be fine.

      • Yeah. I was tired all the time and gaining weight and getting down recently and thought “gosh, maybe I’m depressed.” And then I realized “No. I quit my job and just got out of a long-term relationship that had meant a lot to me – I’m sad. I’m sad and I’m bored and these are normal things. I WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THEM.”

        Julia suffers from a lack of perspective. Sometimes relatively shitty things happen. You DEAL. Being sad and being bored are not the same as being sick or depressed. It takes being able to finally step away from yourself and realize your problems aren’t part of this huge big fucking deal and not unique to you.

        I really doubt Julia has grown out of her infant solipsism though, so she’ll never realize this.

      • Donkey’s been on several exotic sunny away from winter vacations – she was even playing pretend tennis! – and doesn’t really work and eats out nicely when she isn’t/is BPC’ing and has a dog to run around. It must be sleep malapropism or thyroid or glucose levels or whatever – anything – and its all external but invasive – anything to get out of GMAT prep class!

    • I’m sure that nurse (much like the sleep center technicians) just LOVED that inconsiderate donkey pulling out her phone TO TAKE A FUCKING PICTURE while they try to do their job. My doctor’s office has signs all over the place: NO CELL PHONE USE and they give me the stink eye if I take it out to do as much as turn it on vibrate if they’re in the middle of talking to me or doing an examination. Julia is such a fucking rude and disrespectful donkey.

      And I just can’t help but to think of her friend Dan in comparison and I say to you again – FUCK YOU JULIA! THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU, YOU LAZY, VICTIM-PLAYING FUCK!

      The only thing she’s suffering from is Munchausen Syndrome.

      • Well, at least we have the pictures of when the men, in white lab-coats armed with a straight jacket, come to take her away to look forward to. That’s when she’s really going to start bringing the A game content.

  14. Young-ish Donkey in this pic seriously looks like one of the Junior Kardashian Girls (Kris & Bruce’s offspring who are currently being groomed on E!, who played around on their parent’s bedroom pole several seasons ago)

  15. See, she could actually get people to like her (or love to hate her, or whatever) if she just EMBRACED THE CRAY CRAY. Paris Hilton has succeeded solely on playing up her role, but supposedly being “in on the joke”. Donkey takes herself too seriously. Come on, even Barbie knows that Barbie is a joke. When will Donkey learn?

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