My Mom Is Off to a Christmas Party

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Bundled up before hitting the holiday fetes tonight.  Not at all happy about the temperature outside – so much so that I almost stayed in, wrapped in fleece, huddled over candles for warmth.

But I rallied.  Onward, holiday frostbite!

Julia Allison, who does so has a social life, guys,  is my age, yet in this photo she can pass for my mother, that is, if my mother were a tacky whore, which she’s not. She’s Methodist.

Two things. Quit your bitching. It’s just cold weather, you live in New York. Deal. Secondly, everything about this outfit is just wrong for her body. Her feet look like hooves, her legs, chimneys. Her skirt? The WORLD’S LARGEST CIRCUS TENT. And that’s just the BOTTOM HALF.

Oh well, office Christmas party. I’m off to get drunk.

81 COMMENTS

  1. So pathetic, using the tree in your building lobby and the photographic skills of your trusty doorman. Get a life somewhere along the line Miss EmptyMcSadWideStance. You don’t cook, you don’t orgasm, you don’t decorate, you don’t contribute to society, you don’t drink…how fuck!

  2. She’s a Methodist

    Hilarious!!

    If you’re looking for something to mock, check out the UGLY top she has on under that coat. Looks like something a 14-year-old might wear (and according to her Head-toToe, that’s about when she bought it).

  3. So strange that privacy is important to her AND she fears stalkers, yet she posts her street and then takes pictures in her lobby in case you couldn’t figure out what her exact address was.

  4. Guys, that fucking COAT, with that poofy mcpooferton skirt that most definitely does NOT look custom made, she looks like she can’t breathe.

  5. Does she not own a single piece of winter appropriate clothing? Of course she was cold, she’s wearing a skirt and a jacket that doesn’t even have full-length sleeves. She has zero common sense.

    • THIS DRIVES ME INSANE!!! it is so freaking cold outside! why isn’t she wearing pants?? wasn’t she just “really sick” with the flu a few weeks ago? this is a perfect way to get sick.

      i agree, the coat is too small. she’s too concerned with looking cute instead of being warm. Julia, throw a big coat on top of this outfit and you’re good to go. warm outside and “cute” inside

  6. The coat is too tight; the skirt is too short. Not to mention nothing in this picture is a style of this season. It all looks cheap and like she was styled by Strawberry or Casual Corner.

    Julia is like a FlashForward of what she will become–an annoying old aunt who Britt’s kids will be forced to visit. She’ll be crazy Aunt Jules wearing too much blusher, caked on base that rubs off on the wee ones white shirts when she forcibly smooches them and scraggly pelts. “Do you think Auntie Jules wears a wig?” they will ask Britt with wide eyes. She’ll have framed pictures of herself as the condom fairy and her Wired cover laminated and regale them with tales of her youth. “I was an IT girl in New York City,” she’ll bray, not noticing their eyerolls. They will dread going over there and try to appear non-nauseous when she hands them yet another reindeer sweater and forces the whole fam to take another picture for her blog.

    • JP, that is exactly what I thought, too. It is really entertaining to put your fingers on the screen and block out her actual hair.

  7. Is she really doing a motherfucking SKIRT PULL with that big puffy skirt? Fuck. Why does she fucking do that???

    Donkey:

    *The skirt pull DOES NOT make you look thinner
    *You aren’t 5
    *JUST. STOP.

    Come to think of it, this looks like the Christmas version of the Slutty Easter Whatever Happened to Baby Jane Church outfit.

    • Have you been a good boy this year, Dr. Gary. Maybe Santa will bring an end to it for you too. And … the long black gloves make her hands look like little donkey hooves, no?
      Stangely, the donkey is my neighborhood Santa Maria churchyard nativity scene isn’t wearing a fuschia parachute hiked up around it’s ribs.

  8. Shorter girls should not wear one color on top and another on the bottom, because that creates the illusion that the wearer has been cut in half. One solid color creates a longer line. This is the cardinal rule of successful midget dressing.

  9. She needs to just get on with it and style Fairy Princess Weddings or something. She could get her crazy costume on, go all nutso over dresses and flower puppies, and her pushy, demanding nature would finally work for her.

    Of course, the bride would have to accept her braying through the ceremony…

  10. You know what’s really sad/amusing? That she thinks people care about her head-to-toe, like someone would actually want to emulate her “style”. No one cares, Julia!

    Also, what a weirdo — who actually remembers the exact month and year that they purchase clothes? And what is she trying to prove with all the “just bought two weeks” crap. Doesn’t matter, you still paid too much for it!

    • She only does it to point out that a boy bought her something. She seems to do it when the new girlfriend doesn’t seem to like her. Didn’t she post a bunch of stuff about where alex took her and what he gave her – right before that TMI or something where she got mad because his new girlfriend didn’t want him to talk to her. It was all to piss off the new GF. Cause she is SO nice!

  11. It was WAY too cold to be out in tights yesterday.

    Here, Julia, because I don’t hate you and want to eventually see you rise above the crappy image you’ve built for yourself: Ditch the poofy skirt. Dress appropriately for the climate. Try relaxed fit (not baggy) black pants, a fitted, cute top in, perhaps, a festive plaid or a deep, emerald green (I think it looks nicer with your coloring than red) and a long, slimming coat that reaches right above the knee. Coats that are belted or tied at the front are a good choice – they’ll draw attention to your tiny waist. Wear either attention-grabbing earring or a statement necklace (I would advise against both at the same time) and wear shoes you’ll feel comfortable standing around in for a while. I’d ditch the headbands as I find them a little too juvenile. Maybe try a low-slung ponytail? Most importantly: Drink LOTS of egg nog and mulled wine. Eat some sugar cookies and gingerbread. Chat. Laugh. Relax. Have fun.

    Get home in time to walk your dog before bed.

    Merry Christmas!

  12. WHAT THE FUCK do her “friends” think when she shows up places with those fucking pelts in? Any one here seen them in person? I want to know if people just snicker right in her face.

    • no, that’s the unfortunate result of wearing opaque tights that are too small and, as a result, are stretched beyond their limit above the knee.

      sigh.

      it’s a shame she has no friends to help her.

  13. Sigh. Apparently, the hideous Topshop hoof-covers are not in included in the 30-40% of her wardrobe that she is planning to jettison.

    On the other hand, isn’t that a REAL CHANEL BAG??!!! OMFG!!! That proves that she is so, so classy.

    • her slavish devotion to the chanel bags reminds me of a great scene in Silence of the Lambs when Hannibal Lector sizes up and nails Clarice by saying, “look at you in your designer bag and cheap shoes”. So what, because she’s carrying a 1900 dollar bag she thinks everyone is just ignoring that the rest of her is a cheap, ill-fitting mess?

  14. “Her shirt? The WORLD’S LARGEST CIRCUS TENT. And that’s just the BOTTOM HALF.”

    She’s wearing a shirt on her bottom half? What?

      • Oh, doy, it’s a typo for “skirt.” I seriously did not understand… thought maybe there was another picture on her blergh showing an especially voluminous blouse with this outfit, and couldn’t figure out how she’d crammed such a thing under a fitted car coat with bracelet sleeves. And we all know that when sizing, Julia never errs on the side of too large, but the opposite.

  15. It’s official: i have a boner for the gay lord that is julia’s publicist.

    also, julia’s left eye? WHAT’S UP, MAN!

    • That kind of droop happened to a friend of mine as a result of a botox injection gone awry. It took a few weeks to look normal again. But Donkey-Wonk-eye’s impairment seems to be permanent.

      • Are you sure the Wonk isn’t from birth?
        Hasn’t she always had it? the reason why she always
        insists on right-side photos???

        I cannot believe I’ve spent a year reading about the
        pretend adventures of Imaginary Corp. Inc. Time flies
        and I’ve had sooo many gut-busting laughs. But, now
        it’s getting sorta sad. JA’s not learning, and the story seems to be stuck on repeat.

    • I think the poofy skirt would be cute if she was a child/teenager but it looks a wee bit strange on a grown woman. The top half of the outfit looks quite nice but from the waist down it is not super-flattering.

  16. god, that jacket is hideous — it looks like it’s straight from the sale rack of forever 21 or wet seal.

    a couple of years ago, i made the mistake of purchasing a full short skirt like that. i’m 20 lbs. lighter than she is, and i felt like a plump turd wearing it. how can she not feel fat?! she looks HUGE.

    • I think she has some sort of reverse body dysmorphia. While many who are slender sometimes feel fat or believe they look fat, Jaba thinks she is slim, and should dress like a stick-straight, 5′-7″ model.

    • Agreed. I thought the make up was far worse – and far more ageing – than the outfit. She looks like she’s pushing 40 in it – and I usually think she looks her age.

  17. Watching Christmas Vacation. Ellen Griswold is wearing almost the exact same outfit and hairstyle as Julia. I knew I had seen it somewhere before!

    • LOVE that movie. a true christmas treat! i’m going to check right now when it is on this coming week so i can tivo it.

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