Pot, Meet Kettle: Julia Allison Has Criticisms on How You Appear on Television

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Fatty McFat-Fat McFatty-Fat and devourer of tubs of Crisco, Julia Allison, has professional advice for people with actual jobs in television, as opposed to people with, you know, fake talkshows on NBC.

I hate the stilted way on-air news reporters & anchors talk. Hate it. Hateeee itttt. JUST SPEAK NORMALLY, YOU ROBOTS!!!

PS. On-air morning show hosts fake laugh CONSTANTLY. I’m starting a petition to halt the practice.

86 COMMENTS

  1. 1:24 — love the the insane short bark of fake laughter, and the “oh no you di’nt” shaking back and forth. What?!

    • Julia does nothing but fake laugh throughout this ENTIRE segment… yet she’s criticizing morning show hosts for fake laughing? Oh god, her stupidity is off the charts today.

      Julia “works for NBC” right? She needs to show those amateurs Matt, Meredith, Ann and Al how it’s DONE. They obviously have NO IDEA how to speak or fake laugh properly on camera. Media Expert Julia Allison, She Of the 3,000 Views A Week TMI Weekly will show them a thing or two!

  2. This is like a video version of her fauxto shoots – Julia just takes herself sooooo seriously. You can tell she’s just soooo pleased with every little thing she says. It’s hilarious because even the hosts can tell she’s totally fucking stupid. (love how the male host makes fun of her at the end with the earplugs reference). I barely made it past the braying, honkey laughter, twitching and over exaggerated blinking, but I had to keep watching to hear how the hosts would subtly make fun of her. They got at least three or four good digs in there, which went right over her head. Comedy gold.

  3. the face that she makes after she drops, what she believes to be, an infinitely quotable and clever line makes me want to go gorilla on her mug.

  4. OMG. I’m now in love with the host. “A small investment in earplugs is the secret to a lasting relationship” while you can still hear Julia brayhonking away in the background. CLASSIC.

  5. It’s strange how this whole Donkey riff will go down as one of the funniest bits ever. It started with the Bray aspect for me, but that fact the this whole fucking site of brilliant peeps and their brilliant writing and the whole fucking thing gets reduced to a moment of singularity.

    Donkey.

    • I won’t be satisfied until Julia Allison comes up after doing a google search for Donkey.

      Julia Allison Donkey Julia Allison Donkey Julia Allison Donkey Julia Allison Donkey Julia Allison Donkey Julia Allison Donkey Julia Allison Donkey Julia Allison Donkey Julia Allison Donkey Julia Allison Donkey Julia Allison Donkey Julia Allison Donkey Julia Allison Donkey Julia Allison Donkey Julia Allison Donkey Julia Allison Donkey Julia Allison Donkey Julia Allison Donkey Julia Allison Donkey Julia Allison Donkey Julia Allison Donkey Julia Allison Donkey

      • There are over 15,000 Google search results for Julia Allison Donkey, so I think you’re on the right track!

        So Bray We All!

      • I won’t be happy until the first thing that pops up on Google is this site when you just Google “donkey.”

    • I break into a fit of uncontrollable giggles every time someone uses the word “burro” here. I have no idea why.

      I laugh so much when I read here and it makes me so happy. YAY FOR DOPAMINE!!

      • Someone ordered me a mug from the Save The Donkeys rescue organization. It says Save The Burros overtop a cartoon of a kicking donkey. It makes me laugh every time I make myself a cup of coffee.

  6. Ughhhh I can’t believe how awkward and condescending she is when talking to foreigners (remember REAL FRESHWATER PEARLS?)

    Or always.

    • I know. “HERE IN AMERICA…” (WOW does she sound like a redneck)

      So not only does Julia speak for all New Yorkers and all women, but she now speaks for an entire country. Just… wow.

    • Me too! That’s exactly when I shut it down. I may try again since everyone says the newscaster verbally bitch slaps her, but I don’t know if I can handle it. Maybe after lunch.

    • Me too!! It’s worth it to try to keep watching though, just to see the co-hosts subtly mock her. By jove, those Brits have really got a way with subtle, cutting humor, no? Having a laugh, are we? Well then. Off to my flat to have a spot of tea in my new tea cup collection recommended to me by Jordan! Cheerio, mates!

  7. I put my comment in the wrong thread, and I didn’t want to deprive you bunnies of my incredible insight, so I’m repeating myself here:

    My theory on this latest round of publicly criticizing people she doesn’t even know (which she never does, except when she does), is that the director of her pilot (cough, cough, audition, cough) kept telling the Donkey to TONE IT THE FUCK DOWN!

    • And to lose weight. And called her and let her know that the prettier, skinnier girl with actual TV presence got the job.

    • Her criticisms remind me of a while ago when she was bagging on Bill and Guiliana Rancic’s new E! reality show for being boring. Bitter much? Her calling them boring was especially hilarious coming from someone who couldn’t even get her Bravo pilot out of the focus group stage because she was so boring and unlikeable.

    • I know doing all these movie posters makes me realize how red her skin tone is and that the red hair was a horrible, horrible choice.

      • Also, I don’t understand how any hairstylist would recommend dying the eyebrows too, in a case like this. It just makes it all so much more obviously fake.

  8. Off topic but just had a weird experience. I opened a novel (its written by some dude named Peter Joseph Gallagher, he sells them on the Venice Beach boardwalk) and this is the dedication. So bizarre:

    She’s giving him that look, the way she always does. He’s waiting for her to speak, and then it finally comes: “I can’t believe I found you…I’m so blessed.”
    “I’m glad that you’re happy, babe.”
    “Happy? No, that’s just too weak an emotion. The way I feel with you is ineffable.”
    He shakes his head and smiles at her. “Well, if there’s nothing more I do in life then that’s enough.”

    To my beautiful baby, my child in the sky, my reason for trying, my girl, Julia. Some day we’ll run away together, and they’ll never find us.

  9. OMG. Julia Allison shamelessly offering up advice on how to maintain a long-term relationship.

    Irony, much?

    • Where? It can’t be any more ironic than Blinky McStutterson, Princess of Braytonia in the Land of Grating Vocal Inflection offering up critique to on-camera talent.

  10. Her logic is completely fakakta. “Love is less expensive tahn taking drugs” ??? Homeboy PK could have bought a couple of 8-balls w/what he spent on your first date.

    This shit is weak.

    OT – Much as I’m not a huge fan of JoBe, it’s nice to see that she actually has plans & curiousity about London. Remember Braysie McBrayerton’s jaunt across the pond? All I can remember is shopping for a fascinator (& resulting 20 photos), a random phone booth shot, Oxford lip dub, and searching for a bagel w/lox (prob. only after she learned that Houston’s isn’t an international chain).

    Damn donkey.

    • I love it that while Julia moans and wails about her weight and her diet, skinny, tiny, cute and adorable Jordan has basically turned her blog into a travelogue of how she’s eating her way across London. Pork, cheese, meringue, wine, curry, scallops and sirloin… she’s been there for two days and done nothing but eat and blog about eating. Hilarious.

      • Eaxactly…and local foodstuffs, not standard NYC fare. I know the bar is Low (capital L) @ NS, but Jordan blows the other two away. (And I still kinda hate Jordan, but cannot dispute this truth.)

      • I’m sorry but girlfriend is too skinny (her legs frighten me) and she’s doing the damn signature JA “pose in the dressing room” bullshit now too? A GAME.

      • She may be a little too thin but considering she actually eats and has boobs she unself-consciously lets sag, I can owe the skinny to a fast metabo and perhaps naturally possessing a mostly ectomorph body (boobs don’t fit into that designation though, so she’s probably a combined type). I’m sure she has more self-control with food too but indulges when she likes. Her body is OK, I wouldn’t go so far as to say “too skinny” because there are people who have such body types and it’s hard for them to gain weight.

      • She TALKS about eating. A lot. Like, every third post she’s talking about making food and eating.

        You know how hollywood stars talk about how it’s just their metabolism or body type, and oh they eat like ALL the time, tons of food? And then a year later they are in rehab for speed or an eating disorder?

        I just say.

  11. So what happened to prom dream date guy? We should be getting emoticons, trite musings about “breaking all the rules,” and pictures of wedding dresses by now. DANCE MONKEY DANCE!

    Or was it merely another transaction?

    • Escort service transaction.
      Wedding Dress Faux-to Shoot Theme Date next.
      Next time he’s in NYC on a biz trip, that is.

    • Isn’t there some dating service that sets you up with someone (like, texts you with short notice) and sends you on an adventure? That’s what this reminded me of.

    • “What am I doing? Oh, you know. Just eatin’ some eggs for “breakfast.” Per @tferriss’s weight-loss recommendation.
      about 1 hour ago from web”

      http://www.fourhourworkweek.com/blog/2008/01/27/relax-like-a-pro-5-steps-to-hacking-your-sleep/

      Huh? His article didn’t talk about eating eggs for weight loss. I mean, I guess eating some protein is better than a dozen donuts, but eating eggs only (after sleeping until noon) isn’t exactly going to make you shed the pounds.

      Want to lose weight you dumb donkey? SLEEP ON A NORMAL SCHEDULE AND GET SOME EXERCISE!!

      She is never going to lose weight if all she focuses on is the FOOD.

  12. I go into snickers and giggles everytime people her make her talk like, “HONK!HONK! I’m Julia Allison, HONKKK! SNORT! HEEHAW!”
    That shit is fucking funny, especially while stoned. Braying of the donkey.
    Also?
    Donkey.

  13. It’s Care Bear Costume Drama The Sequel! Forcing your “friends” to do something they don’t want to do (they’d rather be doing karaoke without you) and then having an epic meltdown when they ignore you and you’re too fat to fit into a slutty Santa costume! Oh yay! Coming soon to a street corner near you!

    —-
    “Oh hellllllls yes, it’s almost THAT TIME OF YEAR. (What time of year? you ask)

    It’s almost SANTA CON, BITCHES!

    For New York City revelers, that means: December 12th, 2009 is your moment to tap into your inner alcoholic Khris Kringle.

    I’m forcing all of my friends – and some people who probably wish they weren’t my friends – to join in the holiday insanity.

    Here’s my 2008 experience (with then-intern “Slutty Elf” Kate), in which I made the giant mistake of sobriety. That will not happen again, I assure you.”
    —-

    And wait…. I thought she never drank?

    “and some people who probably wish they weren’t my friends” – that’s just for you Meghan, Megan and Jordan.

    • She should dress up like a reindeer this year. It’s more fitting than slutty Mrs. Claus.

      I’ve been to Santarchy in Detroit. It’s a lot of fun, but I can see it easily being ruined by some braying bitch with a video camera. I’m surprised no one has poured their drink on at these type of things.

    • She finds the most fucking unfun and juvenile activities/events exciting. Santa Con? Pumpkin carving? Making Halloween costumes together? Visiting the Lego factory?
      I’d fucking hate to be her friend. THen again, I’d probably have to be drunk if I spent even 2 minutes in her presence.

    • I think I get her use of “slutty” now.. it’s translation for “More attractive and skinnier than me. Bitch.” I also find it funny that Miss “Excuse My Language.. Bullshit” is suddenly throwing the word “bitches” around like it’s going out of style. She said it re: SantaCon and her “jumping out of an airplane” status. She must be seething about the lost pilot, her weight issues and TK’s erotic party that she haaaad to say she wasn’t attending. It bringeth the lulz.

  14. YES JULIA. EVERYTHING HAS TO DO WITH THE RECESSION. IT ABSOLUTELY HAS TO DO WITH THE RECESSION.

    So cliched, so boring. Fail Donkey!

  15. Seriously? Someone who feels like doing it should call up a photo of her in SantaCon ’07 and compare it with SantaCon ’08. I have a sneaky hunch the ’07 outfit is a tad bit more fitted. Just saying.

    • I’m pretty sure every other year she dressed like “slutty Santa” and last year just happened to decide, based on nothing of course and certainly NOT her body which she loves, that she wanted to be “warm” and didn’t wear something slutty.

      • Actually, she did say that. Just like she wanted to be “warm” and wear that giant bear costume this Halloween.

        “SANTA CON IS ONLY 24 HOURS AWAY WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

        I’m going with my brilliant, hysterical girl friend Noelle, and I’m thinking of really mixing things up this year by … wait for it …

        NOT dressing like a Slutty Santa.

        I know. I know. JIGGA WHAT?!?! I’m actually thinking of just … you know … putting on a gi-normous boy Santa costume and like, staying warm and shit.

        It’s a crazy idea, so don’t hold me to it. But who knows? It could be fun, not worrying whether one’s breasts and ass are hanging out. Or becoming frostbitten, as it were.

        Jesus christ … am I getting old and REASONABLE?!?!

        SOMEBODY CALL FOR A SLUTTY DOCTOR!”

        Sound familiar?

        ps. Noelle ditched her. She had to go with her intern.

        pps. BUT DON’T YOU DARE CALL HER FAT!!

      • She also said Kate was dressed as a “slutty elf”. I saw the video and Kate’s attire wasn’t even revealing and pretty damn tame. http://julia.nonsociety.com/post/64719293

        That she chooses to attach the word “slutty” to so many things is both worrisome and telling. What about the “slutty Easter Sunday outfit”, Julia? THAT would definitely qualify.

    • From the Santacon guidelines:
      Santa doesn’t seek media attention. “Ho-ho-ho” is good. “Publicity ho” is lame.

  16. She’s such an expert. I love it when she cites “this study”. That is so informative.

    I too ready this study. It said 100% of viewers were like….wtf?

  17. You know what? Lifecasting is just stupid.

    It’s pictures of people I don’t know drinking coffee, going shopping, eating lunch with friends, playing with their pets, cooking dinner, et fucking cetera, ad infinitum. Who is the investment wizard who said, “WOW, THAT IS GENIUS! WHO DO I MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO???”

    Seriously now, other than lonely shut-ins and psycho stalkers who have one hand on a mouse and the other on their dick, why would anyone want to watch these ditzy women go about their daily life?

    The ONLY thing they do that could remotely be considered living differently from the rest of us would be the TV appearances, speaking engagements, and tech conferences. Yet they blog that shit like it’s just another ho-hum daily occurrence, barely worth a one-line caption, so we get nothing out of it.

    Why won’t that piece of shit site just DIE ALREADY???

  18. Squirrelbait, you’ve got a way with words.

    My vote for a new RBNS tag line= “Nonsociety: Why won’t that piece of shit site just DIE ALREADY???”

  19. “dating with a lowercase d?” Is this donkey kidding? She always throws herself right into the relationship after one to two dates. Look at Eggers. She had only met him in person once when she announced on tv that they were dating.

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