Julia: About To Buy A Really, Really Bad Pair of Boots

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I am leaning strongly towards purchasing these over-the-knee boots from Urban Outfitters, despite their catalog being full of quasi-kiddie porn.  (Seriously. It’s gross.  I don’t want to see a thirteen-year-old model in suggestive poses.  I just kept thinking: WHERE IS HER MOTHER?)

What a coincidence! Because I ask myself “WHERE IS HER MOTHER??” almost daily while watching Jackles’s various mental breakdowns play out over the Internet.

Do you know what this choice of these boots means? It means she thinks she looked good the other night in Boston. I despair. Jackles has possibly the worst taste in footwear of anyone I’ve ever heard of. D-E-S-P-A-I-R!

72 COMMENTS

  1. um what. i am the first person to be offended by american apparel photos but i clicked the link and…..and? how is that pose suggestive? it’s a model (slim-hipped, yes) wearing underwear. is she even posing? AT ALL?

    or, let me guess JAB, now that you’re a body-lovin bbw (i kid) who DOESN’T NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT OK SOCIETY?! your new schtick is to lash out on thin people?

    • I agree, the models are young, slim yet womanly. Not setting off my kiddie-porn radar. If she could just admit that she feels a little jealous maybe…Envy of people who have what you want is kind of normal Julia – no need to bring child pron into it.

    • Notice how she didn’t pic check any of the male models, just the tiny females who make her feel bad about herself…..I mean empowered because she LOVES HERSELF AS SHE IS SOOO MUCH! She’s just worried about the children, even though I’d venture that most of the girls in that catalog are more well adjusted than she is seeing as how they actually have something called work in their lives.

    • Par for the course from a woman who parades around in “slutty” ballerina costumes and wears a fetish Little Bo Peep outfit to church on Easter.

      • & also? I love how fuck she is to put herself out there, blogging & tweeting insults in the direction of potential advertisers.

      • The only aa image that ever offended me was one of their hosiery images. You could SEE HER VAGINA through the hose. It was shot from below of some chick walking upstairs in sheer tights.

        I’m sorry but that image was just uncalled for in my opinion. Everything else is just kind of sleazy but inoffensive. But I did not need to see an asian vagina while tights shopping.

    • Julia wishes she could still do kiddie porn. It isn’t kiddie porn if the model looks at least 16-17, and none of those photos are suggestive. She is so tacky that she thinks anyone who isn’t wearing a full face of makeup and is skinnier than her = a child. Also, Urban Outfitters is geared towards teenagers and early twenty-somethings. Julia should really be shopping at Anthropologie.

      I think thigh-high boots can look nice if they are styled correctly on the right person, but Julia is just going to use them as an excuse to wear crotch-length skirts.

  2. I love those deer hooves, fo rizzle. I don’t have anything to wear them with (old navy sweats?), but I love em.

    • What is this compulsion to call attention to a hideously malproportioned feature and present it as if it’s not? Delusion? Dysmorphia to the nth degree? There has to be a name for it.

    • They’re suede, so they’ll probably stretch.

      God, this all reminds me of the tragic time that this guy my friend used to work with bought his girlfriend this incredibly fierce pair of Prada high boots. She couldn’t zip them over her calves. He later married my friend. The end.

      • They’ll stretch on a normal persons thighs, but these are Julia’s thighs. She can’t even wrap her arms around them.

      • I showed my boyfriend The Donkey’s Halloween Failerina photos.

        He asked, “what do you call cankles on your thighs?”

      • This is what i fail to understand.

        It is obviously apparent by the ads that these boots are for people taller than 5’4. Leaving off the fact she is thunder thighs and calves, what makes her think these boots will look good?

        She has no sense of her own proportions.

        Obviously these boots are not for anyone shorter than 5’7 — leaving off what kind of legs they come with.

  3. Does she have a problem balancing or something? Her legs are always so far apart. It’s starting to upset me.

  4. just went through all the photoshopped movie posters again and was struck with even more lolz than the first time. yay.com!

    on another note, belated congrats to the mods and commentators for continuing to grow the site, and having a record (215!) number of posts in october! DoubleTripleYayJuliaStinks.com!

  5. she wants to get personalized stamps for grandma moneybags for christmas and wants to know where to get them

    hmmmmm….
    She did the exact same thing for granny two christmases ago.

    Um, err, oops?

    • granny’s been sending a lot more checks julia’s way lately, though. stamps run out. if julia doesn’t get granny stamps how is she going to ensure steady cash flow? (oh? meghannaise? you don’t say?)

  6. Looks like a tranny threw up in her closet (no offense to trannys).

    And I LOVE the serious side-eye that Lilly is giving her cankles in the FANCY CARRIAGE RIDE THROUGH CENTRAL PARK photo.

    • I [heart] Lilly’s face in that one, too, but the side-eye seems intended for JABa’s footwear. (Remember, girls, lamé is just one diacritical mark away from lame with good reason.) Say what you will about JABa, cankles are not one of her “figure flaws.” Cankles are when a person’s calves are the same circumference as her ankles. Julia’s calves are actually really well-developed for someone who gets next to no exercise… I’m still not sure how to account for them.

      And yes, walking ten miles a week is next to no exercise. That’s about a 1000-calorie burn altogether for a 180-lb. adult. Julia’s walking burns less than 1/14th of an average American adult’s weekly caloric intake.

      • Her constant heel-wearing has built up her calves, which were probably already semi-muscular or a circumstance of her natural build. I have calves I cannot for the life of me build up (I don’t want to extensively, but they’re like chicken legs so I’d prefer a little muscle behind them) but I rarely wear heels and don’t do too many focused exercises on that area, so there’s that. As you’ll notice, Julia rarely EVER wears flats/sandals.

      • Huh, I’d always heard that high heels shorten the Achilles tendon and the calf muscles. I know that in the summer when I wear flip-flops all the time, my calves get pretty cut, and the rest of the year they’re kinda negligible. I was figuring that Julia’s were beefed up through a combination of the natural build you mentioned plus years of ballet four times a week. I know the ballet was a long time ago, but the folks I know who were athletes in high school have tended to retain their bulked-up areas years and years later. Or maybe it’s CALF IMPLANTS. Whatever, this is a lot more time than I wanted to invest in thinking about Julia’s legs today.

  7. I just don’t get how a person’s taste can actually deteriorate. Was it this bad all along and we did not give Rambo sufficient credit for her styling skillz?

    • I think she used to get a lot more ‘free’ clothes, and/or that six figure salary and somewhat regular exposure to stylists helped. Now that she’s on her own with no money and no stylist or friends to reign in her natural suburbananity her ‘style’ is going to SHIT.

      • PP — People can shop at WalMart and look better, if they dress appropriately for their size and shape, you know? It’s not the dollarz.

      • I’m not saying only rich people can dress properly. I’m saying her taste runs to labels, and that’s what she got used to wearing for a while. Now that she’s adrift in a sea of Forever 21’s and Targets she doesn’t know what the hell she’s doing BECAUSE SHE HAS NO STYLE.

        Instead of knowing how to combine cheap and spendy or just cheap all around and make it look cute she’s still trying to dress like she’s in Sex and the City or something.

        And I don’t care what bitch says, she will never accept that she’s not a size 4 anymore. So no matter what she pours herself into it’s going to look tacky and sad.

      • Cheap and chic is definitely possible when you have an “eye” for style and can dress yourself for your body type. Like PP said, she’s not used to having to go out on her own and put outfits together, so it looks like shit because she’s typically doing a piss-poor imitation of someone else and failing at it enormously, and has zero concept of style herself. Part of the reason she’s so terribly gauche in NEEDING to state designers she’s wearing, even if she’s wearing them as part of a horribly arranged ensemble. There’s a huge difference between fashionable/trendy and stylish; the latter requires a natural talent or at least inclination towards what one knows works for them and makes the statement they’d like while keeping in touch with who they are, while the former depends on an addiction to obtaining and wearing whatever happens to be “in style” at the moment according to TV, magazines (via PR companies), and celebrities (via stylists) and a tendency to follow such trends.

    • Yes! I was just thinking that.

      So tacky. And IF you were going to get something over the top like that, you’d have to step it up. Chloe or something. Urban Outfitters?? WTF.

    • I had to look that up, and it was totally worth it. In case anyone else missed it:

      http://www.theawl.com/2009/10/skank-boot-evokes-rage

      “We needed the $3k barrier to entry. NEEDED. … There is no double-breasted boy blazer with rolled-up sleeves that makes this OK, no top long enough. Rihanna DOES look good in ’em but … Rihanna’s boots are too scared to look bad on Rihanna.”

  8. So telling how the Blahniks and the Betsey Johnson’s and the top billing in her closet and are the only boxes she kept (and of course the shoes aren’t in them). So fucking ghetto. The shoe boxes are meant to have the shoes INSIDE. People I know who have closets full of high end shoes ABSOLUTELY keep the shoes in a box and usually in a dust bag. But not our Little Miss Show It Off.

    • Plus, she got the only ugly Blahniks he makes… I don’t think I’ve ever seen those in the shop. And everyone know that you either put them in the shoe bag and pile them up, or put them in one of those hanging racks — NOBODY KEEPS THE BOXES!

      Actually, when you make chocolate chip cookies to give as gifts, you put them in MB box — HA! Really confuses guys when you do it.

      • Hmm I keep the boxes (but I have like….5 pairs of shoes that aren’t from Target) but I keep the shoes IN the boxes, to keep the shape and to keep dust out. My Gucci and Chanel friends keep the boxes too and keep the dust bags. But I mean I am talking, you open their closet and it’s 10 boxes high and 5 boxes wide of labelled Dolce, Gucci, Prada, Chanel, Jimmy, etc and maybe they are keeping them in the boxes so no one just grabs an armfull and runs (like I’d like to).

    • The Blahniks look dirty and toe up worn. When you have “nice” shoes, you take care of them: put them in the dust bag and/or inside the box, bring them to the cobbler/”shoe guy” (as I call him) twice per season to be resoled/reheeled.
      The disgusting thing about Julia is that she doesn’t take care of anything or anyone, including herself.
      I too am “hard on my shoes,” but I almost obsessively upkeep my expensive shoes, cleaning them, having them re-soled, storing them well.
      I’m just surprised that poor Lilly isn’t in that closet next to the stinky Blahhhniks, sitting atop a box that says “Lilly Dog,” “7 pounds,” “Color: White.”

  9. WHERE IS HER MOTHER??

    I thought the same thing when I saw a picture of her wearing a slutty French maid costume to school in the ninth grade.

  10. “You can certainly medicate yourself regularly with painkillers if you are prone to headaches, or with antihistamines if you have allergies, anti-inflammatories if you have arthritis, or sedatives if you can’t sleep, but how much better it would be to solve those problems by modifying diet and patterns of activity and rest and by using natural remedies.

    Dr. Weil, “8 Weeks to Optimum Health,” a book I bought on Amazon two days ago at the recommendation of Kevin Rose, who is in pretty damn good shape himself!”

    Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh. I am beating my head on the desk. First of all, you don’t have good habits or “patterns of activity.” You know what’s a good habit? Getting in bed and turning off the lights when it’s late at night. Reading in bed? Bad habit. Not ever getting in bed and then complaining you have “insomnia”? Bad habit and WRONG. Totally factually inaccurate. You do not have “trouble sleeping.” You have trouble going to sleep, probably because you have unresolved issues with depression and anxiety.

    And SECOND OF ALL, don’t get health advice from books that have a time frame in the title. That’s from me, Dr. Anon, to you. Oprah loves my methods.

  11. Whoo boy, I started watching that but then when it became apparent that the interviewer was *way* more switched on than Megannaise it just became painful to watch. Hearing poor Meghan try to describe NonSociety gave me major second-hand embarrassment.

  12. The first time I saw boots like that, Cher was wearing them on her variety show in the 1970’s. She was singing “Benny and the Jets” with Elton John, and lifted her foot and pointed to the boot on the line “she’s got electric boots.” That woman knew how to put a song across.

    More recently, I saw similar boots on a woman getting out of a cab on Jones St., wearing an open raincoat over a full dominatrix get-up.

    These boots will be hilarious on Julia.

  13. I actually have a pair of boots similar to this, that come just over the knee. I think they work for me because 1) my legs are my best feature, and 2) I usually wear them with a turtleneck dress, so I’m basically completely covered otherwise but showing about two inches of leg (usually with tights on them). The problem with these on Jules is that her legs aren’t her best feature, and she’ll probably style them with something really slutty on top.

  14. i don’t dislike those boots.. i mean, they’re all over net-a-porter (not like i could ever afford any). but seriously she just buys every designer knock-off imaginable when they do not suit her body shape.

    those boots aren’t gonna fit your massive kankles and calves.

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