Julia Allison’s Ideas About Relationships Are Totally Wise

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Julia Allison, the gift that keeps giving in an untreated std sort of way, has posted yet another fantastic truism about relationships:

“Of course he likes me! Because I’ve played the game, even though I didn’t mean to play the game, which is the best game playing of all.”less than 20 seconds ago from Echofon

As we all know Julia is one of the most successful women of our generation when it comes to long lasting, meaningful, and mature relationships with people and animals. I think we would all be wise to see this sourceless quote as the deep advice Julesy intends.

THIS is why I have cats and a fat ass! I don’t play games! That’s it – no more calling a guy, no more telling him I like him if I do, no more being transparent and nice and fun. From now on it’s nothing but smelly booties and make up that makes Dustin Hoffman call me Tootsie. If I ever have sex again? Fucking tears, yall. Dude is gonna need a canoe with the river I cry. And I’ll give him a cute codename and then out him on my blog so that all 9 readers know who he is.

I’ll be married by next August!!! Thanks Julia!!

ps: HONK

75 COMMENTS

  1. I don’t get it. Is this something fucking stupid she said, or something fucking stupid someone she knows said, or something fucking stupid she read somewhere?

    It makes no sense, regardless.

  2. A girl’s gotta follow The Rules! Because boys all share the same brain and are the same and one should never try to get to know a boy on an individual basis and have some fun and honestly evaluate compatibility. And sex? Well, dears, that is your most valuable weapon.

    Also – am reallllly trying to wrap my head around the wide stance. Is it to hide the bowed legs? Make her hips look smaller? She looks like a supreme idiot when she does that and I just don’t get it.

    • I HAD to break up with my best girlfriend of 17 years because she was a game player, it just got to the point where I COULD NOT STAND being in the same room with her and the boyfriend WHO HAD TO ADORE HER, even though he was boyfriend number 827 because they didn’t actually stay around for very long, ALL THOSE BOYFRIENDS WHO FUCKING ADORED HER.

      God, she got on my fucking tits in the end. I had to break up with her; that or smack her in the face.

      • My point being, she was a game player. God I hate game players. Just fucking be yourself, and if they don’t like YOU, well fuck’em.

  3. Okay, so I haven’t read the post yet, but the scroll-down just killed me. I thought I was gonna have to call 911 to bring me some oxygen!! I truly believe that, if I had laughed any harder, I’d be needing a lung transplant right about now.

    It’s like somebody cut out the legs and photoshopped them back in for comedic effect. Fucking hilarious!!!!

    • Seriously, they don’t even MATCH. The knees are totally different and one is fatter than the other. Do not understand.

  4. If the photos she posts online are the ones she thinks are best/prettiest, her computer’s trash bin must be truly epic.

    There is no game when it comes to men. Good sex, good food, good conversation. It’s not exactly difficult. Unless of course you cry during sex, eat nothing but cupcakes and overpriced fruit juice and can’t talk about anything but yourself.

    Also, donkey shitting Christmas ornaments.

    • If the quotes she posts are the most meaningful/interesting/funny, then her life must be totes sad and boring.

      Her whole life is one sad, long string of “if … then” statements that all turn out to be tragically true.

      For example: If TK won’t marry her, she will out him as the brother of a famous author.

      Or: If is the hairy times familial, then her friends will go out and have fun without her.

  5. Apropos of nothing but I was walking to dinner last night and walked past a couple in their late 20s who seemed to be on a first or so date. The guy asked if she wanted to get sushi and she was like “well I’ll watch you eat sushi (bat eyelashes)” and he was like ‘sigh um, that’s weird, no.’ Just reminded me of Julia and her contrived date mindset and how it chases people off instead of winning them over like she plans.

  6. Can you imagine PartyPants gleefully jumping w/a balloon bouquet at the LOVR sculpture? (not sarcastically?)

  7. Ah, that screenplay must be dying to get out of her! The dialogue is flowing now!

    Here’s a script idea for Julia: a rather peculiar girl with a distorted sense of her own importance and talent is used by a popular website for the freak effect in order to rake in advertising dollars, while she remains oblivious to the game. Hijinks and hilarity ensue as tutus are tried on and men book it for the hills in long trails of dust.

  8. She has extremely short legs in comparison to her torso. She clearly knows this, hence favoring belts and belly-button high dresses and trousers.

    And yet she still shows off her stumpy tree trunk legs. Why? She has relatively thin arms, why not emphasize those instead? But always with the odd leg poses which only calls attention to her deformity.

    • Why not emphasize the ASS AND HIPS. Seriously, she has a fairly small waist and ample hips and ass. Show it off! Lots of women would kill to be curvaceous. She looks kinda hot in a pencil skirt. So what, you need to lose 10, 15 pounds. In the meantime, own your shit! Stop dressing like a fucking 14 year old, wear your own damn size, buy a pair of JEANS for the love of God, or get thyself to a gym if you really hate yourself that much. (her arms are really not thin anymore btw, esp her upper arms)

      And please, refrain from wearing skirts that are short enough to expose your asscheeks if you bend over. It’s really not flattering in any way.

    • She’d be four inches taller if it were not for the extreme bow-legs.

      Then again, she’d have relationships for longer than four days too, were it not for her extreme grandiosity, narcissistic & histrionic personality disorders.

      WTF is up w/ sandals & a sleeveless dress in December? Because she had the orange accessories, she needed to don them for a faux-to opp w/ a matching Christmas tree skirt?

    • I think we can safely call her fat now, guys. It’s clear to see how she got popular in the first place. No surprise that her popularity has waned right along with her looks.

      • Julia’s weight is directly related to her makeup. The fatter she is, the more makeup she smears on.

        This is common.

    • I don’t know, maybe it’s just me, but wouldn’t you feel a bit overexposed with your fucking braless tatas hanging out around 15 men? You would no doubt realize they are ALL STARING AT THEM.

      But of course, that’s what she wanted.

      • I know! I agree. I might wear a fab bikini on like, Martha’s Vineyard, or out at the pool in my backyard, but to wander around in that getup in an office? with a bunch of guys wearing oxford shirts and dockers? And they are ALL STARING/SMIRKING???? Odd.

        I just don’t like to put myself out there that much.

    • I second the implant thing–has she had them removed?–and is it just me or is that pic realllly photoshopped around the waist and arms? Is there any way that weird halo effect thing could be natural?

    • Nice to see she wasn’t drinking way back then, either. Between this photo and the Gawker one above, it’s apparent that her taste in clothing has devolved from adult woman to tween. How does that happen?

    • That HAS to be pre-nose job. Anyone know when she got that done? She looks like a completely different person there.

      • I’d venture a guess it was taken w/in a day or two of some lip-plumping injections though …

      • You know, I was looking at The Elf Adriens blog the other day and he wrote a long post about how he is not happy with how his nose job settled on his face. Tho his nose is better than his genes, he says over the years it has settled and his nostrils are not symmetrical. As a result, he only lkes to be photo’d on one side of his face. This sounds a lot like what Julia does….and I wouldn’t be surprised if she photoshopped her nostrils at all.

      • Does anyone know what it means for a nose to “settle” on a face? Your nose is your nose, I always thought. Anyone shed some light?

    • http://julia.nonsociety.com/post/26680991

      “Since I’m posting four-year-old photos of myself in an orange ball gown anyway, I thought I’d add this amusing one of my friend, classmate and favorite(ish) stand-up comedian, John Mulaney. This was taken directly after (or was it before??) we found our parents tearing up the dance floor together. Turns out they had known each other since law school. Small, small, uncomfortably awkward world.

      PS. Yes, that is an engagement ring. I was engaged for about eight months in 2004.”

      • Discovering that your parents & those of a classmate are old friends is ‘uncomfortably awkward’ in what way, exactly? Because some of your BS may get exposed, is that it?

      • @P Y M

        My thoughts exactly — just the way she brayed “awkward!” after the host of the Halloween party she gate-crashed stopped her from filming. She seems to get, um, peculiar when she can’t impose her fantasies on others.

    • Old nose? She has a completely different face. Good lord. I’ve never quite seen anything so extreme on a nobody.

      • WORD. And she wasn’t remotely hot before. Then she was hot for about five minutes, and now she looks like, whatever the hell she looks like.

        She’s nauseating.

      • It actually is the eyebrows. That’s a big part of why she looks so different. They were totally chola there and now they’re not.

  9. Dearies, that is a tried and true pose I taught Julia. I was doing it myself when I met my husband, the late Grapefruit Czar of the southside. I call it ”The Vagina Snare”.

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