Because Julia Allison’s Trip Isn’t Complete Without A Photoshoot

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Julia Allison, the most common person in America, is on her way to yet another photoshoot:

On my way to Boston Commons for a little photoshoot with a talented Harvard student. http://twitpic.com/oswel22 minutes ago from Echofon

WHAT ON THE GREEN AND BLUE EARTH IS SHE WEARING??? Ok, on Barbara Streisand in “On A Clear Day You Can See Forever” this outfit was cute. I don’t even know what kind of look she is going for here.

101 COMMENTS

  1. As @hmmm just pointed out on the other thread: Those are not thigh-high boots but instead the stinky TopShop booties paired with thigh-high socks. Dear god in heaven. New lows, they just keep coming.

    • Here’s the thing. She has no gay friends and she is fixated on Gossip Girl. So she doesn’t understand that the GG wardrobe is campy. With her looks and delusive earnestness, she turns campy into creepy creepy fetish wear. Also, Julia? You look about as much like Leighton Meester in this outfit as you looked like Shipulina in that donkey tutu on Halloween.

      • I wonder if she borrowed that coat from her friend, because it really is quite cute. J Crew has one like it, but it doesn’t have bracelet-length sleeves, so it’s not that one. Imagine this on a normal person who isn’t starring in a creepy fetish flick in her own mind, maybe with dark jeans and riding boots.

        She is about two manic episodes away from becoming the midwestern hick version of a Japanese office lady who dresses up like a schoolgirl on the weekends and sells her peed on panties to repressed salarymen. I’m sure that Twitter would be an excellent marketing platform for that, given her fan base.

    • OK, now that I’ve had a moment to recover, I agree that the coat is quite adorable. Imagine if she’s paired it with a pair of dark-wash jeans and funky boots, and wore the hair down? It could have looked cute.

      Instead, thigh-high socks and those hideous booties? Does she have NO friends? Apparently she is staying with CD, also known as “my college roommate” — did she not look at her and say: “Dear God, no.” Or did she lend her the entire outfit because secretly she despises her?

      • I know, I agree with you 1,000% — the outfit is wrong on so many levels. Fit. The fact that there are several inches of skin exposed on her upper thighs between the too short skirt/coat combo (in November? And in Boston, which is about 20 degrees colder than NYC) and those boots. (Or whatever they are.) The thigh high platform boots with the (of course) stripper heels.

        Boy, if there ever was a woman in serious need of some gay friends.

      • So unfortunate that I know this, but I believe in the post where Jaba the Hut stated that she was staying at CD, she mentioned that CD would be traveling (somewhere in Europe, I forget where) and that she was OMG, so jealous.

      • That would be frikkin’ sweet, if CD was out of town and Jabba the Butt was “borrowing” her wardrobe for fauxtoshoots. Please, let it be, and let CD get seriously pissed when she sees the evidence all over NS.

    • Regarding the coat, I said this in the other thread (i think in reply another fashiongirlxoxo comment), so i am here to say it again.

      That coat is too fucking small on her! I know it is supposed to have shorter sleeves, but look how it gathers at the chest near the arms.

      Why can’t she pick sizes that fit her? She is not even remotely fat, i am certain her actual size is available everywhere she likes to spend her shill tickets. What is her fucking problem?

      There is no excuse. The only answer is straight up delusion. But hey, why is this surprising given she has roped a poor HARVARD OMG! undergrad out into the November evening for yet another fucking fauxtoshoot?

      Rhetorical question, i guess.

      • Which is to say that i actually think the coat, ill-fitting or not, is very cute.

        It just does not go with those stupid thigh high sock and ankle booties. Does it get any worse than cheaply mimicking an already mocked fashion don’t??? I’m not sure it gets any worse from there.

  2. I don’t understand this donkey. It’s been dark here since 4:30–that’s what happens in Boston, after DST. Was she really on her way as she was tweeting this? Will she really do a night shoot on the Common? Will the cops arrest her for using floodlights in a public park without a permit? Will she get felt up by a homeless man? Or is she just too dumb to realize it gets pitch-dark by 5?

    So many questions.

  3. I spy a plaid school girl skirt up in there.

    Photoshoots? Why why why why why???

    Good lord, she is such a freak.

    • She always busts out the plaid (or “tartan” as she likes to call it; very much more classy) when she is visiting an institute of higher learning. ‘Cause Jaba is nothing if not appropriately garbed at all times.

    • I have some words. Why the fuck is she wearing hooves? And why did she cover up EVERYTHING on her body except her bald vagina? Dressing up like a slutty school girl doesn’t work when you’re post-menopausal, you old donkey!

  4. Let’s discuss the “talented Harvard student” part (I know it’s near impossible to get past the outfit, but push!). Who thinks she puts an ad on Craigslist?

    “Well-known new media personality and web founder seeks a photographer for a photoshoot in Boston Commons. Theme of the shoot: Ivy League-y-ness, collegiateness, Blair Waldorfism. No pay, but GREAT resume-booster!”

  5. thank g-d i spent the day in Allston playing flag football and watching the Pats game in a dive bar. there’s no way she would have ventured to that part of the city.

    • Could you imagine her in Allston??? What do you mean we have to take the BUS? What are the Pats? Is that a new hipster band? Oh wait, I totally LOOOOOOVE THEM!

      Best thing ever would be her in Dorchester. Or West Roxbury.

      • Haha for serious. I made plans last night (away from my cats and Doritos) just to get out of my neighborhood once I found out she was lurking. I can’t imagine how I would react if I saw her in person. I would probably stare until my eyeballs exploded.

      • Actually, you’d probably do what I did…look/look away/look again to make sure it’s her/look away because you can’t process how completely ORDINARY she looks, outside of what she wears. When I saw her, the makeup was toned down– still more than most–but what caught my eye initially was the short skirt with the way too high heels. I looked because, when you live in nyc, you kind of think “underaged Jersey girl trying to get served” or “actual whore.”

      • I remember the first time I saw Julia was a few years ago and it was not at a party but walking down the street. It was on Park Ave in midtown after work (about 6) on a weekday. Everyone was drssed in well made, fairly conservative clothes (this being 6 PM on a weekday, in Midtown). This girl was clomping along behind me in that annoying way where someone is kind of right over your shoulder. I noticed her shoes first, it was cold out and she had on very high, very obviously cheap sandals. This caused me to turn around and boom – Julia Allison. She had on more makeup than I’ve seen before or after and that stupid DVF coat with her nose in the air. I had on flats and she was shorter than me, with acne-ish skin and a ridiculous hairdo. Seeing her up close was really shocking to me, I think it’s when I started to become interested into how this plain-Jane turned wanna be hooker was so fawned over in the media.

  6. This woman is almost 30. This woman is almost 30. This woman is almost 30. This woman is almost 30. This woman is almost 30. This woman is almost 30. This woman is almost 30. This woman is almost 30. This woman is almost 30. This woman is almost 30. This woman is almost 30. This woman is almost 30. This woman is almost 30. This woman is almost 30. This woman is almost 30. This woman is almost 30. This woman is almost 30. This woman is almost 30. This woman is almost 30. This woman is almost 30. This woman is almost 30. This woman is almost 30. This woman is almost 30. This woman is almost 30. This woman is almost 30. This woman is almost 30. This woman is almost 30. This woman is almost 30. This woman is almost 30. This woman is almost 30. This woman is almost 30. This woman is almost 30. This woman is almost 30. This woman is almost 30. This woman is almost 30. This woman is almost 30. This woman is almost 30. This woman is almost 30. This woman is almost 30. This woman is almost 30. This woman is almost 30. This woman is almost 30. This woman is almost 30. This woman is almost 30. This woman is almost 30. This woman is almost 30. This woman is almost 30. This woman is almost 30. This woman is almost 30. This woman is almost 30. This woman is almost 30. This woman is almost 30. This woman is almost 30. This woman is almost 30. This woman is almost 30. This woman is almost 30. This woman is almost 30. This woman is almost 30. This woman is almost 30. This woman is almost 30. This woman is almost 30. This woman is almost 30. This woman is almost 30. This woman is almost 30. This woman is almost 30. This woman is almost 30. This woman is almost 30. This woman is almost 30. This woman is almost 30. This woman is almost 30. This woman is almost 30. This woman is almost 30. Annnnnnnnnnd I think I finally snapped.

    • Well, looks like Juliaspublicist is ready for a nice, cold glass of Franzia and a good. long soak in Dr. Gary’s hot tub.

      Dr Gary’s Hot Tub: Serving the Donkey-matized Since 2009

    • I feel you girlfriend. i’m not exactly there today, but oh, I’ve been there before. Her absolutely unselfaware batshit insanity, it rankles.

    • There’s nothing wrong with being almost 30. It’s the Julia Allison being almost fucking totally mentally insane that’s doing my head in.

  7. Did she fucking plan and pack that ensemble in preparation for this tragic shoot? I’d love to hear the comments from passerbys witnessing this batshit.

  8. Dear Julia,

    What is the Harvard student’s talent? It’s clearly not photography.

    Yours never,

    WP

  9. Julia Allison, destroyer of all thing bright and beautiful, is indeed garbed up as though she were starring in one of those Fox clunker musicals that nearly destroyed the Hollywood studio system in the last 1960s. Julia Allison IS Julie Andrews IS Gertrude Lawrence in Star!

    • OMG (to riff on Gossip Girl)- that was brilliant. Never in my life would I have anticipated hearing from another person who has laughed and cringed through that film via a pseudo web personality snark site.
      this is a testament to the brilliant minds who play here.
      Bulldog, you are so on the mark. Thank you.

      • And Jordache, let us not forget that Fox cut Star! from 3 hours to 2 and renamed it These Were the Happy Times, a title that only Julia could love. So blessed! So ineffably happy!

      • Yeesch! I first saw it as “Star!” on really late night TV. I don’t think it was the three hour cut though. I was really drunk and probs stoned but the experience was defining. Awful stuff. These Were the Happy Times. Indeed.
        While we’re on this kick I should recommend the equally awful “Isadora” starring Vanessa Redgrave, an overwrought and badly executed production from the same middlin’ era.
        I’ve always thought that the only and most likely way Julia might shut up is that she falls victim to her own haphazardness and vanity. Not that I’d at all wish it but it seems like the sensible and logical path given her traJectory.

  10. the jacket … oh god, no. the thigh high socks with booties … oh god, no. the weird, backward leaning stance … oh god, no.

    and what is she doing with her hands?? pulling an imaginary skirt out to hide her hips?

    this is the weirdest photo i have ever seen. she looks like a creepy doll.

  11. Sung in Chris Farley’s voice:

    Fat gal in a little coat,
    Fat gal in a little co-oat!

    *sound of fabric ripping*

    • This was EXACTLY what went through my head when I saw this picture.

      (note: I don’t think she is fat by any measure – she just stuffs herself into teen fashions and sizes)

      • Agreed, she’s not exactly fat, but “not-model-thin gal in a little coat” doesn’t have quite the same ring to it. 😉

  12. When I first read the title of this post I thought it said: “Because Julia Allison’s Trip Isn’t Complete Without A Photoshop.”

  13. Take away the ruffles on that coat and that outfit could look cute on someone. That someone is not Julia Allison.

    • No. YOu do not wear clunky booties with thigh high socks. And you do not wear thigh high socks after the age of 16. Maybe with a garter belt under a skirt for someone special. But not exposed when you are at least 10 pounds overweight. With booties.

      I just can’t.

  14. Oh dear! So many things have gone awry. The coat is too small, I can see the fabric pulling from here, my mom would freak out about this. The booties and the socks? I mean, come on. This is a season full of ill-advised thigh high boots she could be wearing that would look sexy instead of slutty school girl off to a frat party. (although with those thighs she should really rethink the whole look). And the headband with the half up half down hair? Uf. She always tries so hard and never gets a single thing right. She’s so bargain basement trying to blend.

    • She blew her allowance on that tragic ballerina getup; no money left for trendy new boots. (I’d put a sad face here, but it would be a goddamn lie.)

  15. Also this a blurry picture from 20 feet away and I can see her makeup, like see the actual lines of blush and eyeliner. Vom. That must be gross in person

    • I know, right?! Can a person get blood poisoning from too much Red Dye No. 2?

      I can picture Randolph Mantooth yelling into his radio, “Rampart, this is Squad 51. We are en route with a female who OD’d on Max Factor.”

  16. Julia explains her inspiration for the photo shoot.

    I’m a Harvard Grad Student setting out for a night of studying and sexually-charged intellectual debate with my attractive, tall, hipster Harvard Grad Student boyfriend, Codename Totally Wants to Marry Me. On our jaunt to the cute independent coffee shop where we do our most important work, the two of us will run in to Brother Britt and Miss Allie, and we’ll have to sit down for a cup of cappuccino so that we can catch up and I gather hilarious quotes for my blog. I will photograph my mug for a little interesting creative art project I’m working on in my spare time. As Codename TWTMM and I banter back and forth with Brother Britt and Miss Allie, we’ll blow them away with our intelligence and wit. I will twitter the best quips. Brother Britt and Miss Allie will be super impressed and even a little envious, and Allie will practically beg me to be her maid of honor. Later, Codename TWTMM will be understanding when, after fifteen minutes of passionate, rote intercourse, I begin to weep. He holds me softly in his arms and strokes my pelts with devotion, and as I lie with my head in his lap he reveals two sapphire earrings, gently placing today’s surprise gift on my tear-stained bosom.

  17. That pose is straight out of the pixyland website—you know, that creepy old guy who dresses like Peter Pan.

  18. “These worn old booties will look divine when paired with these chunky thigh-high dancers’ socks that I picked up at the dancers’ store in LA when I was in town to shoot a pilot. The matted bootie suede looks vintage, even.

    Eat your heart out, Jordan!

    Now. I’ll match my cheap, inexplicably ruffled polyester coat with an eighty-dollar headband, for that chic high/low look.

    Hm. But it’s windy outside, so this complicates the signature sexy-but-prim ringlets I had planned for my hair. What about a dancers’ bun?

    Wait, I know! I’ll pin my hair all the way back, and when it’s photo time I’ll just peel a few tendrils apart and arrange them daintily on my shoulders.

    By the way, hair is like boobs. Men love it, especially when it’s fake.

    When it’s time to take photos, I’ll pose in front of a nondescript door of some random apartment building. That’s authentic and quirky. If there’s one rule that governs unnecessary, self-arranged photo shoots, it’s don’t take yourself too seriously!

    Posture is key. I’ll make sure to thrust my pelvis out, which slims. My legs will be flung slimmingly askance* with such unstudied grace! I’ll pop my shoulders forward in order to slim my collarbone, just in case it slips into view. Additionally, awkwardly raising my shoulders will lengthen and slim the neck. I have no plans for my arms. When I get to the photo shoot I’ll do what just feels right at the moment. My arm pose will probably be so unpredictable and wild I won’t even try to imagine it at this moment.

    (p.s. “askance” is my word-of-the-day calendar’s word of the day! I believe I used it correctly, and I’m willing to argue with anyone who says otherwise!)”

  19. If there was ever any question in my mind as to whether she has an undiagnosed mental illness, it was answered with this picture.

  20. Oh. My. Gaaaawwwwddd!!!
    True story. I was invited to a halloween party and figured I’d dress as something not too far from my every-day life. So I went as a serving wench. A sort of pirate-y, old-world type of thing. I thought it would be chilly and went to look for some type of over-the-knee socks like I imagined a serving wench may have worn. Maybe black or off-white, let them kind of bag in that slopp,y serving-wench way. My costume was mid-shin length. I couldn’t find them. I have NO idea where I went wrong, but I tried everywhere from wal-mart to bloomingdales… no go. I finally stumbled upon a halloween store and found thigh-high socks in the slutty costume section. I had a choice of black ones with red bows and slutty referee ones with stripes around the thigh. I got the thicker, referee ones because they were pretty thick and sock like.
    Point of this? That look she has going on there? the short itty-bitty skirt? That was my undergarment look BEFORE I put on my serving wench costume. (minus the coat of course)
    I would NOT let my daughter walk out of the house like that. How do you look in the mirror at 28 years old and think this is remotely appropriate????

  21. She’s holding her arms out like that to break her fall, in case she tips over while trying to pose her legs in that unnatural position.

    Do those booties have incredibly high heels, or is she standing en pointe again?

  22. i fucking hate those stupid ankle boots… ankle boots with thigh high socks? how fucking retarded are you? burn those boots immediately.. they’re disgusting.. and in suede?! NO. you have not worn those boots with anything that matched them to date.. when you wore them with that stupid white dress to fashion week? ugh my blood is boiling!!

    • They MIGHT look cute with skinny jeans, which of course she would never wear, because that would be remotely normal and stylish. But she wears them with the most inappropriate shit (like that terrible poofy black skirt/ruffly white blouse when she walked on the Mac Genius Bar). Um, no.

  23. She looks like she is going to break into a little tap routine.

    As was pointed out above, this is a new low, indeed. The outfit is so abysmal that it took me awhile to notice how terrible her face looks in that picture. The hair-don’t totally emphasizes her chimpmunk cheeks and teeth. And the earnest So. So. Happy expression just makes the whole think ten times more sad.

    • aargh! i think there is a picture of me as a 6 year old posing like this.. because i was IN THE MIDDLE OF A TAP ROUTINE.

      good god, who acts like this at 28?!

    • I was JUST thinking that Tiny Tim is going to bust out of that door with his ukulele, playing “Tiptoe Through the Tulips” while Julesy-Pie does a little Shirley Temple soft shoe with the skirt pull!

  24. WAIT JUST ONE GOD DAMNED MINUTE. IS SHE WEARING MOTHERFUCKING PIG TAILS?????

    Copying Jordache’s Style: UR DOIN IT WRONG

  25. Oh hi mommy yes I’m in Boston staying at CD’s place she’s fine she just got back from Germany she was in Prague which is supposed to be so pretty like a fairytale Britt and Allie are fine they were so happy to see me so DON’T you start in again about that they want my advice about everything so I put on some pretty clothes and went off to the Boston Commons no mommy there IS an ‘s’ look it up yourself and this handsome Harvard boy took pictures of me oh he’s an amateur he said he works for some magazine they publish at Harvard can’t remember the name starts with an ‘L’ and he’s cute but his dad is a researcher so there’s no money there oh I don’t know it was something with lots of syllables in it and all the boys noticed me in my pretty clothes and I did one of my leaps on the Commons but my dress is short so that photo is out though I’m letting him keep a copy as a souvenir and mommy? mommy? mommy? Did you put the phone down again while I was talking to you? So I tried to tell you I’m eloping tonight with the Prince of Sardinia and you didn’t hear too bad for you just kidding what do you mean there are no princes in Sardinia I met him in LA last week mommy I’m thinking maybe you need meds or something your sense of humor is getting so weird and gotta go now CD is taking me out to dinner.

  26. I don’t know why this dope has posted so many photos of her hanging with Britt ‘n Allie (see, Julia, there’s supposed to be an apostrophe there), since they all look essentially the same.

    This photo, however, cracked my ass up:

    http://julia.nonsociety.com/post/236688564

    Check the expression on the dude right above Julia’s big fat head. I do believe he’s been caught in mid-eyeroll.

    • I also love how Lingbo and Lena Chen are posed in identical positions as Julia and “the lovely Miss Stacy Borden.” Both photos are next to each other on the liecast, and it’s almost like Julia is being subtly mocked. Also, Julia and Stacy are wearing belts and the other ladies are not, which makes the juxtaposition of the photos even more hilarious.

      http://i33.tinypic.com/o9mzol.jpg

      I have a weird sense of humor, sorry.

  27. Travelling around the country/sometimes world and it seems she spends the most time each visit planning for/packing for then donning her juvenile thematic costumes and scouting locations/enablers for her lonely/desperate-looking self-portrait photoshoots.
    Sadness.

  28. Tha…tha….tha….that’s all folks. Thanks but I’m done. I tried to hang in even with the pics of Lilly2.0 trying to yank Brother Britt away from Julia’s chest. This pic is it for me. We are all better than this.

  29. Is she doing a Shirley Temple impression? If that skirt is that short in the front, it definitely did not cover enough in the back. I am horrified at the number of people she must have flashed her dimpled ass to.

  30. Tee hee I’m so sexy in a pubescent plaid skirt, yo! I don’t have daddy issues and lack of taste! Not at all! Honk honk, bitches!

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