Yulia: I no understand the fake pilot

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So Poofy fly across country, dress like a Lacoste pumpkin, then bray about the teleprompting yobs. I am very confuse.

Found this in my archives … from the Superbowl, 2007.  (Miami)

Beware of LA, indeed.

Then this:

Depending upon what time the pilot wraps tomorrow, I’ll traipse around LA and see what I can scrounge up.

I already brought TWO pink tutus, just in case.  Also, furry pink mittens that look like paws.  And a sparkly wand.

Yes, I already owned all of those things.

HAHA

HAHA yourself. I am the sick of you. This is no pilot on a “major cable network.” I live in small village and can smell lice-ridden rat  a mile away. We eat them for dinner. 

You are faking. 

You are doing a nothing-segment or helping out friend with project or doing spec thingie that will never come to light.

You not fool me, Poofy Lady. I see through your smoke and mirrors. (And the mirrors make your buttocks look smaller, BUT STILL!). 

I just say.

116 COMMENTS

  1. When the pilot wraps? You mean the dude the escort service sent you on a cross-country outcall for? The one who likes to pretend he’s a pilot while you play news anchor bimbo?

    Does he wrap double or triple, by the way?

    (I know, I know, there are a lot of questions here. Take your time responding.)

  2. I am going to sound like a crotchety old lady, but I say bring back the old days when Halloween was not a “thing”, and when 28 year old women acted like freaking adults. I am pretty over both things today.

      • I probably could have stood a few drinks before reading RBNS – no-one should try and deal with Julia’s insane antics while sober.

    • Seconded, Bunny Bingo. What’s wrong with putting on a witches hat and handing out candy when the little monsters ring your doorbell? Nothing, I say.

      • I WISH I had trick-or-treaters ringing my bell today. I used to love to decorate the house and give out goody bags. I would dress up and even play spooky soundtracks. We haven’t had any kids around here for the past two years. Trick-or-treating door-to-door has been replaced by events put on by the merchants on the main street of our little town. It’s sad. People can’t trust each other any more.

        I blame Toolia.

      • I think I just got inspired to create a new product called Wristicles. So far, I’ve only got the name, though. What should it be?

      • you could steal the wristicle idea that marmar stole from someone else. only make them out of squirrel fir. or grapefruit rinds. a more innovative textile.

      • I applaud your “green” thinking there, Melissa Sue. But squirrel fur…hmmm…not sure I’m comfortable with that idea.

    • Why are those things called CLICK bags, anyway? Is there any actual clicking involved? Has anyone here ever bought one?

      Shit, I ask a lot of questions. I guess it’s better than talking to my cats.

      • Oh god, I wish I didn’t know this, drive-by, but my associate degree in Julia Allison Sidekick Studies will out: the click bag is so named because it is the perfect lil’ receptacle for compact (!), lipstick, ID and, oh, I dunno, cuntiness or something. Seriously, it’s some kind of girly thingies acronym.

    • Yo.

      You can’t tell, though, because I’m not misspelling anything. Spellcheck lets me drink as much as I want. Spellcheck is a dirty rotten enabler.

    • Not drunk, PER SE. But I might have taken a little peeky poo into Gammy’s medicine cabinet. And I might have found myself a few vicodin.

      Mmmm…vicodin…HOW FUCK.

      • Dr. Gary, I woulda thought you had taken off for Palm Springs lest the Jaba-
        Force disable your household electronics. There’s still time to flee, my friend. Throw the Franzia in the car and GO!

  3. One more comment and my grapefruit boobies will fill up the “Recent Comments” section on the home page. This is it right here. Enjoy.

  4. I find that a vodka drip from a pole nailed to the floor next to my desk prevents those nasty keyboard spills around the 5th drink. I got the idea from one of JoBe’s household tips. She’s so wonderful.

    • I bet Jordan has some recipe ideas that could help Russian Girl make that lice-ridden rat more palatable.

    • Yeah, I heard Julia Allison’s whole life was like one big art project. Now where did I hear that…oh, right. Momsers!!!

    • Wait, what? Yulia was searching so long and hard for her costume that she actually boosted the term’s Google rankings?! Because I don’t know anyone else, child or grown, online or off, who was contemplating being a Care Bear this year. I am, to borrow a phrase from Teen Girl Squad, weirded out.

    • I think the whole secret dating and secret pilot stuff is the old “fake it ’till you make it” strategy in action. Also, there’s some psychological evidence that men are more attracted to a woman they perceive as being desired by other men. (I’m guess that part is biology.)

      She’s got a zillion photos to “prove” she’s happy and having fun. She is all about perception; it’s not just her business model, it’s her entire life.

    • What about poor Dr. Gary, within minutes of the Sofitel!?!? Fear for HIM, ljaveo. No wonder he’s popping Vicodin.

      • Exactly! Dyspeptic2

        Never underestimate the Power of The Donkey. All day I’ve had the overwhelming urge to:

        *Wear pink
        *Stuff my face with cupcakes
        *Google-stalk ALL of my ex-boyfriends/one-week-stands/flings/crushes
        *Dress my dog up in baby clothes
        *Brag about HOW DRUNK I AM after just one drink
        *Wear headbands
        *Take stupid photos of myself and post them online

        Now, where did I stash the rest of that vicodin?

  5. dear Julia,

    Paris Hilton’s Grandma called..

    She advised to off yourself now ..and she wants to bitch slap into the next 5 centuries

    This comment brought to you by late night drunken mobie phone facebook videos, velvetta,

    • If she does off herself, I’ll do the same and follow her into hell, just so I can keep you all informed of her redonkulous shenanigans. That’s how much I love you guys!

  6. She twittered something about getting advice from someone at Current TV and if that’s the “major” cable network she’s shooting her pilot for….well her green vagina has more viewers.

    • That’s where her pal Melody McClosky works. They’re basically a 24/7 channel of user generated video, so I wouldn’t be surprised if Jackles did a weekly low-budget show for them.

      Her vibe is SO wrong for Current though… anyone agree on this?

  7. If she already owns all of those things, why did she have to go out and buy them? Or is that just bad sentence construction?

    • I’m curious why she needed TWO pink tutus. One for each buttcheek? A backup in case she gets drunk off her ass, falls off her heels, and ruins one of them? Such mysteries are better left unpondered.

  8. also.

    notice how she mentions in her recent post about the Current TV guy that the conversation was paraphrased? but, no, she never reads here. filthy, dirty, lying whore.

  9. Why does this idiot quote Miley Cyrus? Even though I am an old I know she has some song about LA but still it is stupid to quote a KID.

    I don’t need this stupidity today of all days. I hate Halloween. And children. Especially sugared up loud idiot children. Every year I turn off all lights and sit in the dark drinking vodka but the little fuckers keep ringing my doorbell.

    • Oh my God. So do I!

      But one year I combined pot and vodka, and handed out candy while cheerfully muttering: “Stupid little assholes” under my breath. None of them heard me as I smiled with clenched teeth and obeyed their demands to give them candy, yet it was highly satisfying.

  10. Call time is 8:30? Who the hell shoots pilots that early on a holiday Saturday? UM. NO ONE. Now taking bets on her sleeping through her fake call time and missing her fake pilot. I sort of think she just makes all this up to appear to be trying to work so granny keeps sending the checks. Or have an excuse to stalk TK.

      • That is weird, and I would have jumped to the same conclusion. Also, I make an idiot of myself here almost daily, as anyone can attest.

      • But it’s clear we were steered wrong in the summer. This guy is obviously the guy.

        p.s. Stop talking to yourself. It’s worrisome.

      • I was on YouTube, rating a bunch of TMIWeekly videos with one-star, as I like to do whenever I have a spare moment. The one about sex with the ex opens with candid banter where Julia talks about having a date on Friday, how much she “needs it,” and that he emailed her and told her not to blog or talk about him.

        I’m sensing a pattern here. Julia is the dating equivalent of a pink heart beach bike: fun to ride, but you wouldn’t want your bros to see you with it.

  11. What it takes to get a Donkey in the air..

    1. 10,000 gallons a-grade jet fuel
    2 One smelly over packed suitcase
    3 Vodka drinks to handle not being online during flight

    the preferred RBNS method:

    One swift ass kick to launch donkey into air by Rambo and pictures of he crash landing

    This comment brought to by the JOBE fund to save Lilly and ginger snaps

    JOBE adopt Lilly already!

  12. Now begins the predictable process of backing away from the “pilot job” just as she does from her pretend dates and boyfriends. Some typical outs will no doubt include: I just cannot justify moving across country for a part-time gig, or, It is just not something for me at this stage in my (ahem) career, or, I got myself too nervous about this whole thing and sucked at reading the prompter. She really should consider being a mystery writer.

    • She probably won’t back away as much as never mention it again, because she won’t get it, if it is indeed a real job.

      I love how she dips into her own “archives” to come up with excuses to post stupid, not at all funny pictures of herself when she was skinnier. Oh, you narcissistic insane bunny, you. No one is amused but you, can’t you see that? That picture is fucking stupid, your outfit is stupid and your “haha” conversations are banal.

      Just. Go. Away.

      • Yeah, she’ll be off to Randi’s soon, and this pilot business will get drowned out with all the mindless babble about Palo Alto this, and Paul Carr that.

  13. I thought of you guys last night. We were at a party, and there was a girl in what would have been a PERFECT costume for Julia: she was wearing a bright pink leotard and tutu, black tights and high black boots, and a hat with a flamingo head – ergo she was a flamingo. Of course this girl was tall and skinny so it worked, but all I could think was, Ah Julia – so many tutus, so little creativity. (There was also a girl with a polterwang – on purpose – which made me think of Julia as well. I was dying to take a picture, but it was too dark.)

    • Wow, I love that flamingo idea and want to steal it for next year (not for myself, though, I’m not tall and thin.)

      This made me think about all the couples costumes I used to gin up for me and my hubby, back in the day. It made me think about how if Julia ever got married, she would force her poor hubby to wear something ridiculous that matched her costume, every year until the day he dies (or dumps her ass.)

  14. So, in putting all the clues together, Julia’s “pilot” is actually some kind of hosting gig for maybe a new TV or WEB news show. I think she’s using legalese re: pilots….I mean when access tv or microsoft tv (or whatever) “tests” you for a reporter/hosting gig on a new show, that’s not a pilot, right? That’s just a screen test, no?

    She’s not lying about having an audition but it’s certainly not a sitcom gig. I’m thinking it’s for something like Shira Lazar does. BTW, I doubt she’ll get past the 1st audition. She’s completely unlikable and a bad reputation follows her wherever she goes. Bravo execs couldn’t stand working with Julia and she may have ruined that opportunity based on her attitude alone.

    • The thing is, it’s probably not even high profile enough to warrant auditions. Sometimes a “pilot” is just a camera guy, a sound guy, a donkey, and maybe a teleprompter is the donkey is too dumb to memorize lines.

    • Oh my god, that was posted today. I’m glad to see she has a sense of humor, because that is great.

    • Maybe she’s not going to be “working” at “NBC” for much longer (or NS, for that matter), and is scrambling around to find something else to replace it. 🙂

  15. Oh God, I love how everything is so difficult for Julia. How hard is it to make a non-slutty care bear halloween costume? Go to American Apparel, buy a matching pink sweatshirt and sweatpants (or leggings), draw ears and a care bear belly and tape them to the outfit, get pink mittens DONE. Not that hard and if she made some effort it might even look cute.

    But nope, everything has to be a chore for Julia so she takes the easy way out. She also decided to ditch the “non-slutty” costume once she was in the same city as her now ex-“boyfriend” and needs to find sugar daddies.

    • You’re right, Hamburgers, and that pink sweatshirt and sweatpants sounds a lot cuter (and more comfortable) than anything she’s posted during the whole Care Bear saga. Even if she insisted on something skin-tight and slutty, I bet she could have found a similar combo from Victoria’s Secret (I’m sure she gets a volume discount there).

  16. OT, but can we please get a post about The Adventures of Mega the Arby’s Worker? The undiagnosed slight retardation/ping pong combo is giving me wicked Forrest Gump lolz.

    • Ha, at least she recognizes that she looks more like a bad American Apparel ad. That’s more self-awareness than some donkeys have.

    • She also seemed kinda bummed by the casual crew at Alma’s in Brooklyn. Not fancy and star-driven enough for her.

      “Erica pretty much made my whole night. Here I thought Halloween’s eve was going to be a bit of a bust, but with her vivacious energy and spirit there was nothing I could do but just have plain, good old-fashioned fun.”

    • What a mar-oon is such a great expression, and not used often enough. It is the perfect reaction to everything she says and does.

  17. I watched “Mulholland Drive” yesterday and kept thinking that Julia is Betty/Diane. She fantasizes that she is a sweet, fun, cute girl who’s going to make it big in Hollywood but really Julia is just the sad lonely woman on the couch in a ratty robe. If she ever moves to LA, Julia will get eaten alive, that town devours burros like her every day.

  18. Does Journalist Julia have a case of Writer’s Block or is she Still Asleep?

    No way she wouldnt have Twittered *something* by now, in the car, on the way to “shoot a pilot” … cue the ‘beneath me’ excuses anytime now …

    • She’s in LA, so its West Coast time. She probably won’t be up for another two hours. Later, she’ll bray from bed no less, about what a busy, busy morning she had!!!

  19. So apparently the Gawker story has more than 20,000 page views. I didn’t think that many people cared about this tragicomedy outside of RBNS. Its also really old news. Regardless, this will make the donkey’s day when she finally wakes up and encourage her to keep feeding everyone the faux pilot shtick.

    • I noticed that too. I wonder if it was mostly us, just going back and hitting refresh to see if there were new comments. I know I have done that several times but still, 20,000 page views. It must be the Toph factor more than her, because sometimes posts on her are utterly dead.

  20. She really does seem to get crazier and crazier. With each post I am newly baffled. She continues to trump herself daily, no wait- hourly. Where is her self-awareness??

    • I truly think the public cray cray started with Lodwick and took off from there. She has not been able to really get it together since that time. Most “normal” people would have quit with it, oooohhhhh, say 2.5 years ago. She’s got some stamina!

      • It absolutely started when he dumped her. Her blog was OK then, not my cup of tea, but she actually wrote and it wasn’t terrible. You know her whole TMI/NonSociety bullshit thing was something she thought up as an “I’ll show him!!!” revenge fantasy. She can’t hold onto a guy for longer than a few weeks since him. And the crazy just gets crazier and crazier.

  21. Did anybody catch the not-so-subtle stab at Julia over at Mary’s blog? http://morethanmary.com/post/228121826 Sorry if someone already posted on this.

    Also, hi! I just started reading this blog and you guys are fantastic (see post a couple of posts down about how hilarious you all are – totally agree).

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