UPDATE — Codename TK Theories


Now with misery-filled new Jackles Tweet:

Just landed in SF. One of the worst flights of my life. I feel like someone knifed my stomach. I’m so sad and angry and confused.

Our inbox is filled with theories today! Here’s a collection:

a. He doesn’t exist, and everyone was in on the hoax. This is not a tip, but a theory. One that I’m not buying. Because Leven Rambin clearly despises her, and so why would she and her friends participate in anything that would help Jackles?

b. His friends hated her and were laughing at her the entire time in L.A., particularly all the “we’re gettin’ our S’mores on” talk. This white girl jive talk, yo, was encouraged so that it could be mocked behind her back.

c. Further to this, there is no girlfriend. The e-mail was sent by one of TK’s friends because they realized shaking off the Jackles Death Grip could be a long, torturous process. (Hello [REDACTED]!!! He’s still dealing with the fallout!) And so by making up a girlfriend, they disappeared her for good.

d. A prediction: She is going to play the victim card to an embarrassing degree, as though they were a long-term couple deeply committed to one another. Because, you know, having two weekends with someone you decided was your boyfriend after one date of drinking sake in L.A. is the equivalent of being married to someone for 10 years. The pain!!! Oh the pain!!!!


  1. She looks so much like the girl from Glee in that picture.

    I don’t think it’s that implausible that she met a douchetool on the internet and was unknowingly the other woman.

  2. He has a girlfriend, but doesn’t consider her to be marriage material. He’s been flirting with Jackles for years, and they finally decided to hook up. Jackles showed herself to be a loon, and confused the hell out of him — one minute musing about moving to LA, the next minute talking about dating other men and looking for apartments in NYC. She may have thought she was playing it cool; he perceived her as untrustworthy, noncommittal, and a mind-gamer.

    I think the breaking point was his trip to NYC. The fantasy couldn’t hold up to the reality over an extended period of time. He has been disengaging ever since, but she had the blinders firmly in place.

    I’m sure her constant need for his attention was part of it. (On a side note: I think she sends late-night tweets when she wants men like Har-Har and Eater Guy to know that she’s still awake, in case they want to booty-call her.)

    “In bed, lights off, under covers. So why do I have a sudden uncontrollable urge to play Frisbee? Umm …10:37 PM Oct 14th from Echofon”

    “Still awake. Fantasizing about oatmeal. Because that’s totally normal, right?
    Mon, 12 Oct 2009 09:22:02 +0000 (tweleted)”

    • I gotta embrace your theory here. It seems to be the most plausible.

      I’m reminded of my college BF. His family was from NM and I visited him twice over a holiday and summer. I’d go out and he’d always invite everyone he knew over but not to show me off, or for my enjoyment….Rather, it seemed to be a way for him to both ignore and laugh at me. He knew he wasn’t that interested in me but it was sure fun for him to giggle at my expense. So, they’d do things like get me in embarrassing situations involving alcohol and the minds games would start…

      Anyway, typical douchey guy play book but she sure had her god damn blinders out. In the story above, I was 19 and 20. Lesson learned. They were laughing at you, Julia, not with you.

  3. on the night they had s’mores at the beach, code name TK’s brother was there, as well as the brother’s girlfriend. they participated in this coverup too? that is fucked up. why???

    omg, what is going to happen now that she has to move out on Oct. 31?!

    • Yeah. I suppose no more talk of moving to LA. Will she have to deign to accept an apartment with parquet floors.

    • Oh whatever. She’s find another overpriced palace her parents will subsidize. She won’t be moving to LA because the whole thing was about TK even though she claimed it wasn’t. So that’s out. And we will be hearing about this sob story for the foreseeable future, including the inevitable “I’m strong now dammit! I’ve learned from this and I’m SO HAPPY.” And scene.

    • I have a feeling she was just the friend visiting from out of town. Were they making out? Sexing it up? Doesn’t seem like it. He was Swiffering during his free time.

  4. Tangent: She looks totally hot in this photo. She’d do well to print this out, post it on a wall and let it serve as inspiration for getting 8 hours of sleep and ditching the caca juice.

    And? Codename Tiny Kumquats seems to be as flakey and unbalanced when it comes to relationships as she is. In a sense, they deserve each other.

  5. Her chances of hooking up with a hot guy in Leven’s circle of young Hollywood friends are about as good as landing Dan Loeb. It’s all faux-ga, and pathetic.

  6. cue supportive (?) tweets from frenemies:

    rachelsklar: @juliaallison Oy Jules, sadly I’ve learned that the people who are insistent on secrecy usually have something to hide.

    • Ya, Sklar, spoken like a true narcissistic oversharer attention-whorista. If someone doesn’t want the personal details of their life splashed online it must mean they’ve got a problem right?
      I think that after meeting Julia and googling her for 30 seconds, TK’s sister said “NO EFFING WAY?! Are you kidding me?! You’re dating this?!!!” And then cooked up a scheme where she’d get one of her girlfriends to pretend to be the offended party and get JABa hells GONE!
      Talking about moving clear across the country to the city a guy lives in after ONE DATE? Ya, that’s perfectly normal.
      I do feel bad for Julia that she doesn’t seem to have a single honest or decent friend. But what honest and decent person would want to hang out with her? The fake and the cra-cra would be unbearable. The only healthy thing to do would be step away slowly then, blip, disappear. Like many have done already.

  7. “Dude, she was crying while we did it.”
    “Stop bragging. Muy macho.”
    “Yeah, no. It wasn’t the mighty bone, it was…I don’t know, just fucking weird. And I look over and her dog is licking the wall. And the best part! She’s got a pink tutu hanging on the wall.”
    “You didn’t make her wear it?”
    “Yeah, right? So, she’s got these hair extensions on, and they start coming loose, and she’s gotta run to the bathroom to fix them. Tears on her face, and me with the bone of death waiting for her to redo her make-up.”
    “Oh, man. What a keeper.”

    Feel free to use this in your screenplay, Julia.

  8. I’m not quite buying the ‘Facebook friends for three years’ angle, but I am leaning towards believing in a real TK, just because enough ‘guy things’ ring true that wouldn’t even enter into her otherwise perfect pink fantasies.

    Guys do what guys do ~ namely, their list of female friends is comprised roughly 98.9% of women they want to fuck ~ the length of the list ebbs & flows w/ the success rate.

    Somewhere between his NYC stay & her LA arrival, he no longer wanted to fuck her, but the travel itinerary didn’t get changed for whatever reason. While there, ANYone else would have picked-upon the not-so-subtle clues that he wasn’t even remotely into her ~ anyone EXCEPT Julia.

    I think her recent downward spiral into serious & freaky batshit craycray, combined w/ continual references to him, have forced his hand & if that means letting it be thought by all the tens of her imaginary readers that he’s a cheatin’ asshole, so be it, so worth it to him.

    I don’t feel one bit sorry for her ~ if one is determined to keep their head up their ass rather than see the real world for what it is, they’ve got a lifetime pass & front-row seat to their own shit show.

  9. Aw this is sad but terribly predictable and I am also leaning towards theory c – no actual girlfriend but this is an exit strategy for TK to escape the slightly loony girl he hooked up with.
    If I could give Jackles some advice it would be Shut The Hell Up.
    We have all been through horrible breakups and done things we wouldn’t have done otherwise because we were so upset/irrational but the last thing you want to do is leave a permatrail of your heartbreak/overreaction on the internet. And this wasn’t even a relationship just a couple pf dates.
    She needs a good girlfriend to talk to. And some ice-cream and crappy television. Whether this is real or not, tweeting about it makes her look bad.

  10. I’ll offer explanation e.:

    There’s no email, no other girl. He dumped her after spending a little time together and her ego can’t handle that.

    I can’t otherwise make sense of the brother, roommates and Leven being present and saying nothing to her (or to him).

    • Explanation f: The other “girlfriend” is another internet gf and lives in another part of the country, too.

      Frankly, with those delicate forearms and the incessant need to clean, I was kinda surprised that the gf wasn’t a bf.

      • Explanation G: The other “girlfriend” is… wait for it… wait for it… Mary Rambin. Hence, the hilarity of Levin watching the whole train wreck and prodding Jackles the Donkey on. I figure Jackles knew him somehow, introduced him to Mary in some retarded attempt to brag about her “hot” man friends, Mary pounced, realized the NS train was derailed, cursed out the Pink Princess, and retreated to the loving arms of Codename Tarantula Kisser. Thus, from the West Coast, Mar-Mar, Levin, TK and the whole gang conned her into giving up her apartment and her tear-filled virginity and have been laughing it up over Blue Print Cleanses ever since.

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