Julia: This Is Why None Of The "Boys" Want To Play With You


Me: What would you say is a “reasonable” amount of time for a boy’s first visit? Three days? Four? Is five days burgeoning-relationship suicide? It is, isn’t it?

Lilly: [silence]

Me: Keep in mind we’ve been on ONE date.

Lilly: [silence]

Me: Keep in mind my apartment is approximately 12 square feet.

Lilly: [silence]

Me: Keep in mind I’ve already demanded he move here.

Lilly: [silence]

Me: This is why none of the boy puppies want to play with you, Lilly.

Lilly: [hides under bed]


    • For as far as I’ve been watching this pukefest, I never actually believed that she was retarded, just in need of break in a mental institution. This convo makes me actually believe she is of a lesser emotional ability than an amoebae.
      PP, she’s also a horrible actress and ‘screenwriter’ with all these made-up convos.
      I’m outta here. I thought for a while she was playing on our game, I now think she’s challenged and I’m trying to be PC and be nice to animals and whatnot.

    • I don’t get her script here–is she telling Lilly that no one wants to play with her because she is silent?? I really am mystified by what the point is..can someone clue me in..?

      • It’s really an allegory addressing the tenuous nature of our collective psyche: “boy” being our id, “me” our ego, and “Lilly” our super-ego.

  1. Hold the phone. This is a “dating columnist” talking? She is seriously the most deluded, no-life-experience “expert” I’ve ever encountered. It’s like she’s never been in a stable, adult relationship. This is like listening to a 16 year old. LITERALLY.

    • I know, right?!?!
      I’ve recently been checking out Dan Savage’s podcast. Lordy! It’s a reminder to those that need it that personal and sexual relationships and the happiness that they bring requires ADULTS to behave the right way and have their shit together.

  2. This really is a classic hall of shame photo. It has so much going on:
    – Julia being rude and putting her nasty feet where people work
    – The fug ankle boots that accentuate her tree trunks
    – The sausage casing tights
    – That deranged ice skater skirt!!
    – The babyish ruffle top
    – The sausage curls
    – The awkward, clomp donkey pose (but she’s a graceful ballerina!)
    – The sad attempt to be “geeky” by going to the Apple store, just like millions of other people do on a daily basis without feeling the need to stand on the counter.

    It’s like a greatest hits photo of all of the reasons we find Julia so supremely obnoxious. Bravo! (not the TV network)

    • And the cheesy fake smile as well.

      It really does sum it all up, doesn’t it?

      This might be the photo we could show our confused friends that would explain it all.

      • NO! We’ve already determined that bonkers photo shoot in front of the “Love” sculpture with the umbrella is the “explains it all” photo.

    • To make myself throw up (and be skinny!), I like to think of her getting on top of that counter. You know, waddling up there, one knee on top, hoisting the rest up…the grunts she makes. ha.

  3. “a boy’s visit”. Boy.

    She deliberately infantalizes men and sex. The same we she sexualizes little girl stuff – like wearing a Snow White-style dress with her tits hanging out.

    Serious, serious Daddy issues.

    • … and don’t get me started on how she humanizes her dog. Calling herself Mommy and treating the poor animal like she’s a just a non-speaking, small retarded person who can understand what she’s saying, and be reasoned with. Dogs need safety, food, exercise and affection. They need routine. Routine deviations from that amounts to abuse and cruelty. That is all….

      • It enrages me how much she mistreats that dog. It obviously isn’t house trained and do you really think she’s waking up at 7 a.m. to take it outside? NO – that dog probably is shut up in her apartment until she wakes up at 2 p.m., hence the shitting all over the floor.

        She is constantly dumping it of on dog sitters while she travels, disrupting its routine, and when she is home, she drags it to places that are clearly not dog friendly. It should be taken away from her.

      • She had another shitzu. Her mother confiscated both Lilly and the other shitzu. Her mother finally agreed to giving her lilly back but kept the boy. That’s the dog that Julia always fawns all over while at her mother’s house. Her mother felt she was incapable of properly taking care of the dogs after she broke up with her fiance, whom she bought the dogs with. THIS IS TRUE. Julia wrote about this herself.

      • I do remember that story, TJ. Her parents need to take Lilly away from her as well. It’s clearly not taken care of properly. Didn’t she also brag about having a dog in the DORM at college, where it was very much against the rules? Isn’t this where her whole “rules schmules” line came from?

        God, she is a ghastly human being.

      • She has to have marshmellow. A small accessory dog (white goes with everything!) is part of her image.

        It’s not about having the dog for companionship, or because she wants to take care of and love something. It’s about having the fluffy little icebreaker at events to hold in front of half her body when someone takes pics. It’s about faking stupid convos just like this.

        Everything in her life is about image, her image.

      • That poor dog. You can tell by the expression in its eyes in every single picture – a mixture of anxiety and befuddlement – that it’s completely miserable.

      • Julia has mentioned that her dog licks ‘everything, even the walls.’ (julia: “who *does* that?”) Dogs that lick aren’t healthy. Licking is often a sign of severe anxiety or an obsessive-compulsive disorder.

      • yes this has always bothered me. when she mentioned the licking, that made me really sad. and as someone said, there is no way that dog is getting regular walks and exercise. no routine, and constantly being toted around (she is in so many of those fucking NS videos and lip-dubs) or dumped at some strange apt. how badly was she treating lilly and the other dog if her mom took them away back then, but considers lilly to be ok now? i really wish momsers would take lilly back now. all that space at the lake house would be great for her. not to mention training, routine, fresh air and a real companion.

      • I really hate this. I’ve seen a lot of young women Julia’s age take on these cute little dogs that they think will just adapt to their schedules and then get upset when they realize that the dog misbehaves due to disorders it develops because of a lack of a proper routine.

        Dogs are like babies, they demand A LOT of your time and a really strong commitment to taking care of them. If you aren’t willing to get up at 7 am to walk to dog every morning and to walk the dog at least two other times during the day, then you aren’t ready for a dog. If you aren’t home for over 10 hours during the day then you aren’t ready for a dog.

        I’ve worked at shelters and rescues over the years and I cannot tell you how many dogs we get from young women who have developed behavioral problems. Often, they have just as many problems as the dogs who were beaten into submission by violent owners. It is really disgusting. I feel bad for Lilly.

      • Just asking has JA ever, and I mean ever, posted a tweet or a blog post or any kind of indication that she takes Lily for a (semi) regular walk?

      • Hell no. This girl can’t even walk herself regularly / get exercise, so of course she’s not walking the dog regularly. Just taking it in cabs, in a bag, to places that dogs shouldn’t go. It’s really sad. And yes – that licking habit is an indication of behavioral issues. A vet could tell her that. She has blogged to complain about how expensive grooming is, so I doubt she even takes the dog to regular vet visits, because lord knows those are even more expensive than grooming (and something that she can’t get for FREE).

      • The Lilly thing really drives me nuts. Dogs are not accessories, you stupid whorebasket, they’re not shopping or party companions, nor are they living dolls you can play dress up with. You see a lot of dog related fuckery in NYC… grown women parading around with small, terrified-looking furballs poking out of their designer totes. Dogs want to run around and play, not accompany their brainless owners to Bergdorf’s.

        How about taking your dog to Central Park for once, you clueless twat?

  4. Oh, and “cuddling” with a “girlfriend” under a blankey and tweeting pictures of toes-ies? I’d say that was okay in an , I dunno, prepubescent girl but in an adult? Symptomatic.

  5. Oh. My. God. Only one date, he’s her boyfriend? PATHETIC. Sure signs of her desperation. Make the visit as long as possible, Jules, so the poor shlup knows what’s he’s gotten into.

    • and honestly? i’m going to give her the benefit of the doubt and say that this guy is as crazy-in-love as she is at this moment: in love, thinking of switching coasts, etc. but really, at age 30 would you want a guy like that? a guy who acts like a 12-year-old? personally, i like men who act like men: they think through important decisions, get to know someone before getting nuts, etc.

  6. Of course she lives a fucking Walt Disney fantasy where she thinks animals would talk back to her. Thanks for the crazy, princess! It reminded me that I need to refill my meds.

  7. I think that in this case the “boy” in question is happy to go along with this pipe dream. He’s been following her on FB for 3 years. I think she has this pathetic lad wrapped around her finger tips.

    God, that skirt is JUST TOO SMALL in the waist area, that’s why it is hiking up so bad. Imagine if she went up two sizes? A world of difference, I tell ya!

    • I think he may actually like her. That’s all. He probably tells her that he’s in love already…they’re taking the fast route to nowhere.

      • Yeah, she totally found someone desperate and creepy and clingy enough to give her all the fawning attention she needs even though at her core she’s desperately scared of real relationships. And of course, this is not one. Love how she begged HIM to move HERE. Her career is just way to important to leave behind.

        I fucking hate her.

    • Maybe according to Julia Rules, you add 3.5 dates to every time zone traveled. Add on the one date they had in LA and BAM! 11.5 dates.

  8. I don’t know what prompted the endless posting of these 3 line conversations she has with herself a dozen times a day but OMG PLEASE MAKE IT STOP. They are, objectively, not funny, cute, smart, witty, or interesting. It’s painful.

    • It’s “writing” for the incredibly lazy. She can’t effectively communicate her feelings (in writing form and in real life) so she just posts these trite, unfunny bits of dialogue that serve no purpose other than to maybe drop a hint that she is perhaps mentally disabled.

  9. Speaking of dogs:

    “Everytime I get in a cab with @LillyDog, I say “We’re going to [name of location].” Does using the plural “we” make me a Crazy Animal Lady??24 minutes ago from TwitterFon”


    • not to mention the fact that your dog has a fucking twitter account. julia: that dog needs a stable home, a routine, regular bathroom breaks and exercise. not a fucking twitter account, you fucking cow.
      god, this dog abuse thing really has me riled now.
      MAMA BAUGHER: if you are reading, please take this dog away from your offspring.

    • Um…I think we all need to calm down about the dog rights shit. I don’t walk my chihuahua, he’s housebroken on pads which are changed twice a day as a rule (sometimes I’m late for work, I’m human). We play catch the ball in the living room. He has an endless supply of chew toys and three cats to play with (one he seems to be in love with) while I’m at work. He even knows my bedtime – he goes to my room and waits for me on the bed. He has a “window seat” he sits and lays in, in the sun and fresh air.

      I don’t think I’m some kind of cartoon villain because I don’t take my damn tiny ass dog out for hour long daily walks. If that’s the standard you’re holding as evidence that Julia is some kind of conduit of animal abuse then I really think you all need to calm down.

      • Party, point taken. but from what you say, you seem like a much better pet-owner than julia. you provide companionship to your dog, other animals, and you don’t trot around town with him, nor do you regularly dump him at some random friend’s apt.
        if her mom confiscated this dog at one point, you know that julia is not a good pet-owner. her narcissism probably prevents her from truly loving and caring for something properly.

  10. Y’all are so funny! Laughing out loud here.
    In my twisted cynicism, I believe Julia has demanded that one-date-wonder move to NY so he will think it over, and OF COURSE, say, “No, that’s not possible.” But … [here’s the clincher], she has him all set up, then to reply with, “Why don’t you move here?”
    She’ll have her bags packed and be on the next flight.
    She has NO reason to be in New York.
    And, for any of you that saw her hunting for an apartment vimeo, it was a big pity party: oh, poor me, I’ve never lived alone before, I’m so scared, why isn’t some guy paying all the bills for me in a swank penthouse, that’s what I’m used to, sniff sniff. That’s what I deserve. Boo hoo.

    I think Mary must be biting her nails as this unfolds, and praying HARD, “Please please please God, don’t send Julia to LA.”

    Cripes, I’m so cynical that I think Julia may be doing this head-over-heels act with this guy SPECIFICALLY to go suck all the life out of “Mary’s town” because how dare that uppity blonde make it without THE JULIA ALLISON BAUGHER!

    The end.

    • That’s all she’s doing; she’s provider shopping. She will be head over heels omg destiny true love like a movie people with the first guy that says “Oh sugarplum, just move into my swank digs and I’ll take care of everything. By the by, choose one of the 5 dresses.”

    • Julia is absolutely putting this relationship on the EXTREME fast track because her lease is up and she’s out of options. That help wanted posting was a last ditch effort to make her parents think she was taking that total failure of a business seriously, about two years too late. It’s been quite entertaining to watch her scramble around in the stench of her own desperation for any last job, conference, TV appearance or dating opportunity she can get her chubby little hands on. I think rock bottom is coming soon bunnies… let’s watch it UNFOLD.

    • truth.

      and i think we’re missing the point when we assume julia has to abandon nonsociety.com before she ditches town. she can do her “job” anywhere in the country.

      • haha
        Ya, she can totally do her “job” in 20 minutes per day from Barnes&Noble.
        AND she has interns. The mind reels. (But, then again, who would iron out all the details of those very important and necessary photo shoots if it wasn’t for the interns? That’s like actually almost work. Making phone calls, asking people to be in a certain place at a certain time.) Her glamour shots courtesy of professional photographers/make-up artists/borrowed clothes are A-GAME people! It’s what we’re all clamouring for, right? That, and videos of her using various sponsored consumer products. Woohoo!

  11. After one date, I always consider the “boy” my boyfriend.

    And insist that he move in with me.

    And tweet/blog/advertise it all over the www.


    • Ya, just exactly like she told the tweens to do during her abysmal appearance on Alexa Chung, right?
      Throw yourself at him after the first date! Tweet/blog about him before your date, DURING your date, and constantly afterward!! Text him and then put the texts you sent him on the web! DEMAND that he change his life to be with you! Shack up with him for a few days as date 2.0! Not only tell all your friends about him, put those conversations of the web too! Tell your dog! Put that in your blog too!! Immediately and constantly!!! Beg him to let you post his name and pictures on your blog!!
      This is how you conduct a successful relationship little girls! Learn from the master.

  12. Have we seriously not discussed her tweet about moving to the UES?! Paging Stephanie Savage, we have a Flair Faildorf wannabe on the loose!

    Julia must not understand that the suspension of disbelief needs only last until Gossip Girl is over.

    • Oh good, I’ll be sure to send her an invite to come watch my band, the Hypnic Jerks, play at all the “dive bars”! All proceeds benefit the sleep disorders clinic so Jaba can get some fucking help!

    • The UES is not so far fetched for Julia. She would get a LOT more space for her dollar. Of course, she’d have to agree to either (1) a refurbished walkup without a doorman (totally fine, lots of them “richey richey” types live in fabulous walkups) (2) an older doorman building.

    • But she’ll probably have to go very east to get a deal and that’s far from the subw…oh wait….

  13. Boyfriend boyfriend boyfriend I has one boyfriend move here, move there? Boyfriend VISITING OMG!!! Code Name TK boy boy boy, LOLS!! So blessed, boyfriend head over heels! BOYFRIEND!!! Have I mentioned BOYFRIEND??????

    Sorry, I’m rendered temporarily insane. I can’t take it anymore.

    • ” I can’t take it anymore.”

      I feel that way, like, every day I read here. I keep coming back thinking that it will be revealed that we’ve all been a victim to some giant, prolonged punkd-style joke – that a person like this really cannot exist, CAN THEY????

    • True dat. Also:

      boyfriend, ivy league, cupcakes, blueprint cleanse
      boyfriend, ivy league, cupcakes, blueprboyfriend, ivy league, cupcakes, blueprint cleanseint cleanseboyfriend, ivy league, cupcakes, blueprint cleanse

  14. All, I agree, something is coming to a head. I think she is bluffing Megs, Code TK, Jordan, and us (w/ all the real estate posts). This lease issue is definitely the end. The parents have pulled the plug and she can’t grasp that fact. She’s scrambling to land anyplace but Wilmette. She either needs to show the parents traction or find a roomate and/or provider somewhere. Since we’re dealing with Julia, the latter option will be preferable because it requires less work. Oh lord, I weep for Mary. Next stop, WeHo.

    • Yep. You said what I think we are all thinking. Parents have agreed to pay through the lease, but after that she’s on her own. No wonder she’s in a panic. She has nothing without someone else funding her life, and it seems like right now she doesn’t care who the someone is, as long as the someone ain’t Julia.

      Can you imagine the Tunguska level meltdown event when the landlords change her locks and she is forced to go back to her parent’s house? Oh man…it’s going to be awesome.

      • “Tunguska level meltdown”

        I think I love you, PP. Can we go on one date so that I can crow about how you’re my BLOGFRIEND and we’re TOTES MEANT TO BE? OMGWTFBBQROMCOM!

        I mean, sure, it’ll be hard to explain to my husband, but aren’t our lives a giant art roject?

  15. I present… the latest words of wisdom from Miss Meghan Parikh:

    “MORE CAKE POSTINGS! (back to tech someday…)
    I’ve been working with Megan Alagna for five days straight, and somehow the subject matter always seems to go back to cake decorating. HA!
    M’s obsessed with baking goodies, so I decided to post yet another little snippet from a reader named Stacy who bakes and designs cakes with her mother. I always thought cooking with my mother (aka Snowflake) would be stressful. It’s obvious from the work Miss Stacy has done that it was nothing short of a bonding expertise.
    With that, I’d like to dedicate this photo to my non-bake savvy friend Miss Julia Allison, a girl with a Little Mermaid fetish that transcends time.
    Jules- eat your sugar laden your heart out!”

    – “a bonding expertise???”
    – at least she didn’t say snip-it this time!

    • “Working five days straight” and this is what she has to show for it? Something about baking that is most likely trite and useless?

      GIVE IT THE FUCK UP ALREADY!!!!!!!!!!!!! Jesus Christ. I can’t believe they can look at themselves in the mirror and call this a job.

      • Working 5 days strait…let’s back date that

        Brunch Date
        Dinner Date
        Dinner Date

        I guess because they broached the subject of NS within that time period, those days count as working days.

      • Does anyone find it strange that the ratio of Meghan’s consumption to her production is invariant under all econo-political systems? Think about, she’s fine under American-style capitalism, communism, the caste system, etc… It doesn’t matter, she’ll always consume more than she produces. It’s like some kind of crazy law!

      • Consuming more than you produce is the literal definition of being supported by someone other than yourself: ancestors, trusts, men, parents

    • “a girl with a Little Mermaid fetish that transcends time.” Girl needs to start writing VERY BASIC sentences and save the “big words” for after she masters grammar.

      • So annoying. Most little girls her age grew up with Little Mermaid and still love it, much like my younger sibs grew up on Lion King. It’s nothing special, except Julia thinks it’s novel to enjoy a Disney movie.

  16. This little IM conversation is just part of her brilliant machinations to bring up the BOYFRIEND OMG!!!!! every chance she gets. In her mind, it’s also funny and relevant, somehow. This is also, of course, art.

    I love how he is obviously ok with her blogging/twatting about him, but she never seems to say anything particular or, you know, NICE about him. Besides how crazy head over heels they are for each other. It’s so strange. It’s almost as if she is in love for love’s sake/to find an apartment/because she is a desperate lonely cuntrag.

  17. Does anyone else find it strange that Julia didn’t declare that she is OMGOMG SO IN LOVVEEEEEE!!! SOAP OPERA! with this guy until well after their first date when the “magic” supposedly happened? After her date with TK she boned her ex during an all expenses paid spa trip and then came home flailing around like normal.

    My theory? Deep down she is pretty “meh” about the whole dude thing but since she is such a narcissist the only thing that turns her on is professions of love and adoration from the opposite sex. So, I’m sure this loser stalker has been emailing her constantly telling her how A-MAZ-ING she is, knowing all her tricks since he reads her blog already. He is telling her it is love at first sight and she is going to believe it because she has some guy telling her he loves her and she doesn’t have any decent prospects lined up anyways. And, naturally, he is LOADED and can supply the money for her lifestyle.

    It is actually a perfect match!

    • She didn’t start the full on braying about TK until after it fizzled with Jewish Writer. Convenient. He’s clearly her last hope, since the lease is up and she’s at a dead end when it comes to career, income, lifestyle and relationships.

      And I’m not really sure he’s loaded… there has been no indication of that so far. Because if he was (or if he was Ivy League educated), Julia would be shouting it from the roof tops in her typical gauche style. My guess is that he’s a creep who knows exactly what he’s in for with dating the psycho hosebeast. Or maybe he punking her.

  18. Holy crap, I have tears coming out of my eyes over Meghan’s cake post. It feels so wrong to laugh, like taking an ice cream cone away from a retarded person, but I just CAN’T STOP. Thank you, RBNSers, for all of the great material. It has truly been a bonding expertise.

  19. Jankles is honestly one of the LEAST funny people I’ve EVER read. Does she really think her writing is cute or funny?

    Is she only surrounded by sycophants? Is there no one who will sit her down and tell her that her writing is terrible? That it lacks wit, humor, insight, etc?

    At this point, she really just needs to be taken out back behind the barn and put out of her misery.

    • I don’t think she’s surrounded by sycophants, I just think she’s surrounded by people who are just as stupid and humorless as she is. I mean… just look at Meghan’s writing. Really, sometimes I do feel bad for making fun of these women because it’s like making fun of a retarded person.

      • I never read Meghan’s blergh. Just too dull. But after all this stupid cake talk, decided to take a look. BIG mistake. BIG:

        “This Week in Startups” has a an plethora of information for anyone (no matter what their experience level) looking for knowlege as an entrepreneur. So often in my own experience, I’ve asked questions like “How much equity do you give your partners?” or “How do you go about raising money” or “When is it time to quit an initial concept?.” “This Week in Startups” answers all these questions straight from the entrepreneurs mouth. If you want an education that cannot be taught at HBS, I suggest you download this podcast NOW!”

        The spelling and grammar errors are mind-boggling. Does this girl really have a college degree? Is English her first language?

    • How about Momsers the illustrious speechwriter for Nixon (?). She can’t tell her daughter her output is utter crapola?

    • I do know momsers used to edit Julia’s columns, but since Julia doesn’t even write anything as long as a friggin’ column anymore, perhaps momsers is no help? If I were momsers, I’d be seriously embarrassed at my nearly 30 year old daughter’s lack of career. Can you imagine the small talk? “Oh what do your children do?” “Well, my son is getting his Ph.D. at MIT and my daughter… is a lifecaster???” Cringe.

      • I have long suspected that Momsers did a lot more than editing JA’s earlier output; I think she had a heavy hand in creating that output. If you compare old JA columns to her current efforts, you will find huge discrepancies in not just the quantity but the quality of her work. I have a hard time believing, as insipid as they are topically, that some of those old columns were actually written by the same JA we have come to know and despise. Really, think about it: we know that Momsers is a smart lady and we know that JA is an idiot. We also know that the two have had various fallings-out over the years, and the scenario that suggests itself to me is that Momsers finally succeeded in cutting off the “editing” help, resulting in the cessation of JA’s career in journalism (at least in old journalism; we know her new media career is THRIVING).

        Just a theory…

      • I have often thought the same thing. In Julia legalese and truth massaging “editing” could just mean a flat out re-write or coming up with entirely original material. Considering that her most recent writing effort was that incredibly tacky and unprofessional job posting, I would not be surprised. Girl cannot write to save her life.

    • That comment looks lonely. I am sure RBNSers can let Sony know what they think of Julia Allison Brand Poison(TM), too!

    • Seriously how does she get these gigs? The negative about Julia far outweighs the positive online.

      • I think she must have a very persistent agent, who probably wants to actually make a commission for once. I have a feeling those opportunities will dry up pretty fast, since she can no longer reasonably pitch herself as a dating columnist or even a web celebrity. She’s a nobody.

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