OMG! Weddings!

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Many women feel that the potential of the man they are seeing is a matter of life or death. Instead of having fun playing with him (like a child with a favorite playmate), they evaluate his potential as a father. They situate any future relationship squarely in the realm of adulthood. The rest of their lives is at stake.

I don’t know who wrote this, but I agree with it wholeheartedly.

Just enjoy dating.  Don’t take it so damn seriously!  In other words: stop imagining the next 50 years with this dude.  Focus on the next 50 minutes.

Huh. This is the woman who Tweeted after one date with Harvard Harley the following:

Um … @MaryRambin? July 18th may have come a little early this year. 🙂 (!!!!!)

Can you procrastinate your destiny? Hmm.

Here is how she explains her obsession with weddings and getting married with her sudden new internal conversation, published for all the world to see. I theorize this has been brought on by being humiliated once again by some guy who fled in the face of her attempts to make him The One, and is also aimed at explaining to all past, previous and pretend suitors that SILLY!! JUST BECAUSE I AM OBSESSED WITH MY WEDDING WHEN I HAVE NO BOYFRIEND DOESN’T MEAN YOU SHOULD BE SCARED OF ME!!!:

btw, just because I love brides & wedding gowns & all things bride & wedding related, does not mean I’m in the mood to get married.

I understand that this is a confusing – but important – distinction, so let me clarify for you:

THINGS I LOVE = GIRLY ROMANCE BIG GOWN FUN PARTY MATCHING DRESSES CHOCOLATE FOUNTAIN MEN IN TUXES

Weddings include all of these things*.  Thus, I love weddings.

Now, back to our regularly scheduled programming, which is … um … bed?

*Although sometimes they forget the chocolate fountain, which is upsetting.

p.s. See the above photo? Imagine her with a wedding gown on, and Meghan’s the groom. Because you just KNOW she’s going to be the biggest bridezilla in the history of bridezillas.

26 COMMENTS

  1. In her defense I think a lot of girls take it omg serious in their early twenties, fall in love quickly and a lot, and dream out the whirlwind wedding before the third date. Then you start approaching your thirties, you hit about 27 or so. You haven’t found a man, but your career is kicking up, you’ve finally found a hairstyle that doesn’t highlight your unique humidity detecting abilities. You have a way better apartment in a decent part of town with furniture NOT from Ikea. You start not really caring about getting married anymore and you calm the hell down and date. Maybe she’s actually approaching that?

    Nah.

    • Nah is right.
      When I gave up the fantasy of marriage and the white picket fence, wedding magazines and fantasy ceremonies with doves held no appeal to me. Then the 30’s hit and all those things you write about appeared and much eye-rolling on my part ensued upon seeing my peers squeek with delight at the latest bridal fashions/trends/hairstyles.
      Surprise! I meet my mate in 30’s… mind you… MY feet were planted firmly on the ground… and I don’t think I could have cared any less about dream weddings still. Guess what? Got married despite not scouring wedding mags my entire life. Didn’t even buy one when the mate proposed. Went with my gut, actually comparison shopped, realized mad-spending-frenzy does not a happy marriage make, and stuck to a budget and refused the whole Wizard-of-Oz wedding frenzy. Can you believe I actually had a beautiful day?
      What she doesn’t realize is the ‘wedding day’ isn’t the highlight of a marriage. It’s just a friggin’ party!

    • There’s nothing fundamentally wrong with a woman who is searching for a serious relationship as long as they’re honest about what they want. A friend of a friend divorced from her husband and when she was ready to date she made it clear that any relationship she got into was potentially for the long haul. She didn’t feel like she needed to have 10 mini-relationships before settling down again. So she got out there and socialised met people and is now in a steady 6 month and counting relationship.

      Julia on the other hand is lying to herself. She wants to get married, she wants a long term relationship. She’s probably as tired of this SATC/Dating Expert schtick as anyone else. She likes weddings because she wants to get married and it’s something to aspire to but she has to pretend it’s only because of the OMGPINKRUFFLESCHOCOLATE!!1!1

    • I agree. She is going to have to undergo major, major therapy, and a complete personality overhaul, to have any man go there.

      The “cool kid” crowd she wants to be part of — they just aren’t into that shit, either. She needs to go live in a small town or go hang out with some uptight, monied WASP people where they still have teas and play bridge and summer at Martha’s Vineyard if she’s going to find some guy programmed enough since birth to marry her and do the whole white wedding thing.

      But those people will never have her either with the braying, the red wig, the hooker heels, the manipulating for free stuff and all her other outrageousness Google-cached forever. She is the worst kind of gauche, and monied WASPS do not like gauche.

      She’s fishing in the wrong pond right now, and the right ponds won’t let her in.

      • The irony is, she’s closer in behavior, class and social status to that gelled muscle man from Facebook than she ever cares to comfortably admit.

  2. This oughta be good:

    dowdagency: don’t miss @juliaallison on @itsonalexa on MTV today at 12 noon ET!

  3. Julia seems to have a hard time keeping a steady course with a guy. I think it is due, in part, to the confusing message that she sends out – not about the relationship between the two of them, but what it is that fundamentally makes up her character and temperament (and guides her behavior). The big double-barreled question that guys have to deal with when it comes to her is:

    a) Is she a princess that pretends to be a bitch when it’s going to get her what she wants?
    or
    b) Is she a bitch that pretends to be a princess when it’s going to get her what she wants?

    Firstly, as a man, red flags are up already if I’m even having to scrutinize a woman on this level – no doubt there’s an equivalent version of this for ladies (is this guy a lover who pretends to be an asshole?…etc.). You *know* it’s not going to end well. I also think that eventually they are compelled to choose b) for reasons more or less elaborate than we can deduce for ourselves by observing this site and hers.

    The thing is, if Julia would just come out an admit that she is actually a b) – fundamentally – then I wouldn’t have such a hard time believing her, and wouldn’t bother checking in with y’all to see in what ways she’s been called on her lies that day (based – and here’s the crazy part – what she herself puts on the internet in an effort to get people to like her! What kind of f$%^#*d up fool would do that!?!?!).

    But I don’t think she ever will, and in my view that is her greatest flaw. But she knows, as well as we all do, that bitch’s who play at being princesses are a dime a dozen. We all have to deal with them every day, and nobody will respect or enjoy the company of yet one more. Even though it would probably get most of us off her back, and even though it’s the truth, she also knows that it would make her redundant. It would also burst the shrinking bubble that she pretends to enjoy the confines of (the bubble constructed by the folks back home), which is also too much for her to contemplate.

    Come on Julia, admit it for real, and live it. The game’s already up!

    Imagine living such an elaborate lie.

    • I used an apostrophe incorrectly in that last post, and I could kick myself. As could my mom, the English teacher.

      • Fret not!

        This was a very interesting post, coming from a dude as well. Indeed, I cannot imagine living such an elaborate lie. Imagine how exhausting it would be keeping track of everything? No wonder she has a bad memory. She must also have an Excel spreadsheet on all the lies — if she doesn’t, she should, maybe she would seem like less of a fraud that way.

        And this is what always bugs me about the “haters” accusations. The “haters” are simply responding to the content that she puts out there. She provides the material. None of us needed to know she has a BootyCall guy and made out with her blind date and yet throughout BootyCall guy she was obsessing over some other guy and ingratiating herself with his friends. She’s the one who tells us all “the haters” about the fucked-up way she lives her life.

    • “Imagine living such an elaborate lie.”

      That’s what boggles my mind the most. Is she A) consciously living out this elaborately constructed “character” or B) just really that stupid? My gut instinct tells me that the answer is B, Alex. “What is a hick famewhore of very limited intelligence?”

      • Her life is NOT an “elaborate lie.” It’s “a giant art project.” Momsers told her so.

    • I’m confused about the bitch::asshole, princess::lover analogy (is that right? The SATs were a loooong time ago). Are you saying a ‘princess’ is the equivalent of being a lover? I thought acting self-entitled was unattractive to both sexes. Please ‘splain… :*)

  4. I’m wondering if Julia is totally impulse driven. She just seems to lurch from one impulsive act to the next, never learning anything, never planning.
    There is no overall picture that all these little blips of activity fit into – she wants marriage, then she doesn’t, then she loves dating, then she has a fuck buddy, then she’s a Rules Girl who makes em wait 11 dates. Whichever way the wind blows…

    • I just think she’s THAT stupid. You know who else is driven by impulses they can’t control? Small children. Psychopaths. Addicts. Retards. Mentally speaking, Julia may be any or all of these things.

    • It’s the achilles heel of a lot of young over-educated people: the home run theory.

      There’s a certain type of person who believes that if they just achieve this one thing – that great job in NYC, that book deal, that record contract, that perfect mate – then everything else will solve itself. And all the shitty things they do in the meantime won’t matter, that spectacular success will wash everything clean.

      And of course, it’s not true. Those people’s goals are almost always either shockingly shallow forms of validation (i’m on tv. I must be smart and beautiiful) or are unattainable (we can’t all be Angelina Jolie or Hillary CLinton or Slash). Most of us come to terms with this pretty early. It’s not to say you should give up on big dreams. But there just comes a point where youhave to roll your sleeves up, begin to work steadily. And in the meantime try to be the the person you want to be – now.

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