Julia Allison’s Panties Are Wet

Rules for SEXTING? Yipes, that one’s just fraught with peril. Although I’ve been sexting lately (for the 1st time) & DAMNNN. Worth the risk.

Ew. Keep it to yourself, sister.

Julia Allison, disparager of dating advice, is writing an article on techno-dating pitfalls. And by writing, we mean crowd-sourcing the squabblers on Twitter. What have we come up with so far?

HA! @TheTurd – Agreed. I’ve also ALMOST emailed in screenshots of ridiculous texts to my blog & not to the friend they were meant for. Oops?44 minutes ago from web

YES! @clevelandsaplum – YES YES YES YES. Biggest mistake EVER & the fastest way to seem desperate. They got your text, dude. They’re busy.42 minutes ago from web

#1) Do NOT take naked photos of yourself / him & leave them on your iPhone. People WILL scroll through your camera & you WILL be humiliated.39 minutes ago from web

#2) LOCK YOUR PHONE.39 minutes ago from web

TEXTING rules – I’m curious. Do you think it’s smart to wait a bit to respond to his texts? I used to do that (now I’m lazy & reply fast).36 minutes ago from web

Is it too obvious to make a rule called “DON’T GIVE YOUR SIG OTHER YOUR PASSWORD to ANYTHING, YOU FREAKING IDIOT?!?!?!” Do people do this?!34 minutes ago from web

@juliaallison Always Google-stalk your date/crush beforehand to get as much info on them as possible.about 1 hour ago from TweetDeck in reply to juliaallison

@darryl_pierce – See, that’s always been my thinking on it. Just keep it light, not too intense. Let it unfold 😉32 minutes ago from web in reply to darryl_pierce

HA! YES!! RT @JasonLBaptiste – there should be an app that lets you write the reply, but sends the txt 45 mins (or however longer) later.30 minutes ago from web

I agree with @cardinal01 “Ironclad rule: never send 2 consecutive texts/emails/etc.” The dreaded “double desperate.” Bad! Bad! No!26 minutes ago from web

BTW, it’s pertinent to note that many of the more stringent rules are for EARLY courtship (1st date – 3 mths) & can be relaxed later, m-kay?24 minutes ago from web

Thought-provoking stuff. This article must be for The Economist.

98 COMMENTS

  1. You dirty ho-bag Julia. Scandalizing America with your daringly unconventional sexual behavior. Yawn. And, ew.

  2. Now, now. She’s the perfect source for anyone dating a delusional chick who has pages of issues straight out of the DSM-IV. “How To Date A Chick Who Thinks She’s Famous and Beautiful — And So Very Nice!” would be a good working title. Her Little Miss Muffet Easter pic will look great on the cover.

    • Or “How to Play Games.” Her ideas about not about dating at all, but about playing mind games with the opposite sex. Frustrating.

    • Agreed. If he’s real, she’s definitely falling for him and unable to keep her yap shut about him any longer — always a sure sign. Which means that once again, she will soon find her ass dumped.

      Also, I still don’t rule out a huge “Take that, Harvard Harley!!!” element to all these sudden mentions of the Booty Call. “You didn’t want me/like me? Well I was fucking someone else the whole time!!!” kind of psycho adolescent girl stuff that she’s famous for.

    • I still think she is making up the booty call. Someone (Harvard Harley?) dumped her ass and she is trying to seem like she has something else going on.

      • That is my instinct as well but if you go watch the TMI Weekly “Just Friends” she talks about her booty call person. It’s the one where Mary and Meghan make open fun of her and roll their eyes at her ridiculousness but she’s braying too loud to even notice.

        Of course, it would not surprise me AT ALL if she also lied to her friends about Booty Call guy. She lies about everything.

      • I read rumor somewhere about her hooking up with a. marquardt. Or was that months ago?

        sadly if you google image search him, the first image that comes up is from RBNS. sadly for him, not so if you love schadenfreude

  3. On one hand, she has all these stupid rules: never sleep with a guy until date 11.5, text a guy back 46.41 minutes after he texts you, a guy must pay for the first date …

    …but this is all the while she ignores basic social norms: taking pictures of other people she doesn’t know and posting them to her blog, twittering about bad dates in the bathroom WHILE she’s still on the date, making people – dates, colleagues, interns – wait for hours to arrive, reposting things about ex-boyfriends four, five years after they split …

  4. Compare her nose in the photo in this post to the post directly below. I’m now convinced about this nose job. I know I’m late to the party on this one. I’ll just wander over here and point to the wall vaginas… or maybe lick the cake… but first I’m going to pose with the ineffable keg!

    • those photos were both taken after the alleged nose job, so unfortunately, you’re evidence is useless. 🙁

      • I think she’s maybe had two actually. One at some point prior to college graduation, and another more recently. If you look through pictures of her from her time in New York, you’ll see some major differences in her nose between the more recent photos and some of the older ones. It could just be an illusion but I saw enough changes to be convinced she’d had work done more recently than the just the first alleged nose job.

      • The Nose: the reason she always tilts her head and turns her head and only allows herself to be photographed from one side is because of her wide nose. The photo above was photoshopped and she also has her head turned slightly, which eliminates a lot of the wide-nosed-ness. I absolutely don’t see how she could have had a nose job at any time in the past 16 months–she posts photos of herself too regularly for her to have had and then recovered fully from a nose job.

  5. Julia “accidentally” leaks naughty (mental image = ewwwww) pictures of herself in 3… 2… 1…

    It’s really the only attention whore card she has left.

  6. “I’m working on a piece about general rules of thumb for courtship over new technology (text, twitter, IM, email, facebook). We had a fun little twitter discussion going tonight, but I’m open to any reader suggestions (or stories, ha) up until midday Wednesday!”

    Um, Julia? Could you be a little less obvious that you are a lazy turd begging for ideas at 2 in the morning? “I’m open to any reader suggestions (or stories, ha) up until midday Wednesday!” Geez. Thanks for including your DEADLINE in your Beg For Stories, you fat lazy fuck.

    • She’s a joke and she makes me angry at fate, the universe, life.

      (Your deity of choice), I demand an explanation as to why this person gets all the opportunities in the world, and actual talented people do not.

      I think I need a day off from this bitch, because I’m starting to think up titles for my memoir of how I destroyed her life with nothing but google and my festering rage.

    • “General rules of thumb for courtship for new technology” a written piece like this was old and tired 4 years ago. And email, texting etc is not new.

      • I know. It’s so embarrassing how she thinks she’s so cutting edge because she has a damn iPhone and a laptop and knows how to text message and twitter. Yes Julia, texting is new and amazing… if you are a chimp. I mean, Jesus, Julia, even the frickin’ TODAY SHOW did a piece about “sexting” MONTHS ago. Email and IM are over a decade old. Internet dating and courtship has bee around almost as long as the internet itself. Nothing NEW about it at all.

        Julia = the Kathie Lee Gifford of the internet.

      • How about stop trying to do everything on the internet, Julia. Courtship with new technology? Ok, that’s great, but unless she plans on meeting, dating, and marrying on fucking twitter, at some point she needs to sack up, confront her raging insecurity, and go interact in a healthy way with a human being face to face.

        You can’t make out with your monitor. Trust me. I’ve tried.

  7. She’s such a terrible writer. Shooting out 2 dollar words like ‘pertinent’ do not make you sound smart if you can’t use them properly.

    And yes, Julia. You sure are an expert at ‘keeping things light’. Inventing retarded nicknames for a guy you’ve been on 2.34 dates with is definitely keeping it light. Twittering thousands of followers about where your date’s tongue is relative to your gaping maw is also super light.

    How about you take your own, terribly written, advice.

    • You know what’s not “keeping things light”? Having a million “stringent” rules you have to follow for AT LEAST 3 months (only the most stringent can be let go after that, of course!). I thought she was joking when she said something about keeping things light right after listing hundreds of weird, anal rules that don’t actually mean anything.

    • Don’t forget she also kept it light with HarHar by blerging and twittering about wedding dresses, destiny, and her plans to pressure him for commitment.

  8. It’s so gratifying when you can get other people to do your work for you, for free, and then take credit for it. Isn’t that what she’s all about, in a nutshell?

  9. I really like how she’s retracing her steps, and trying to become something that she failed at the first time (being an (ahem!) dating expert).
    Nice. I like that a lot.

  10. Of all the people to trust dating advice from, who on earth would trust JA? Honestly, what was her longest relationship streak…. 6 months? She’s edging 30. If she were smart she’d cut out the games and try to find a husband figure.

    • She certainly doesn’t need to crowdsource for rules about what NOT to do. She could just publish that spreadsheet of every guy she’s ever dated and why they dumped her ass. Her only value as a dating expert is to serve as a cautionary tale.

      • But see, that would require Julia to think about her actions, and contemplate what SHE did wrong.

        We all know that Julia Allison is totally and completely of: (a) admitting she was in the wrong, and (b) accepting responsibility for her actions.

  11. Also, that picture is creepy as hell. Where was it taken? What’s it supposed to mean?

    “I’m a dumb chimp. Look at my cleavage or I’ll throw my poo at you. Now give me a banana. Or a cupcake. OOOH OOOH OOOH.” /scratches butt/

    • It was taken when she was with Jakob and she bragged that the top was something she bought at STRAWBERRY.

      You guys think her current style icon ever shopped at Strawberry???

      For those of you not in NYC, it’s one of the cheapest chain stores there. It’s only helpful when one is doing a midweek walk of shame. Their midtown stores open at 8:00 and you can buy something to wear and be at your desk by 9.

    • I actually was kind of appalled at the pic.

      Am I the only one who thought it was some idiots representation of a titty eff?

  12. I think a more interesting idea would be for her to pull out that spreadsheet, and do a chapter an ex. Each chapter we get half her side, half his side of the relationship.

    Thassa freebie for ya, Jules. You can keep that.

  13. all these rules make me nauseous. i really cannot imagine living a life like this. 45 minutes to text? are we in high school? “MAKE HIM WAIT MAKE HIM WAIT DON’T LOOK DESPERATE OMG”. like what 30yr old man (OR WOWAM) actually cares about inane shit like this.

      • I agree. The only kind of guy you get when you are a game player is a game player. I am 28 and I’ve never been into games. I just think Julia doesn’t get that if you really want to connect with someone, you need to be yourself. What does she think “let it unfold” means? I mean for Christ’s sake, she had it tatooed on her wrist. Letting it unfold would mean to me that you can’t plan out falling in love. It either happens or it doesn’t and no amount of stupid “rules” is going to help or hurt. The last thing she should be doing with her life is dispensing dating advice. It’s like a serial killer becoming a doctor. Just completely illogical.

      • Julia doesn’t know what “being yourself” means because she has no idea who her real self is. She has completely turned into a clown caricature, despite all the talk about “Julia Allison” being an act and being “performance art?” Really? Your “art” is to be a universally reviled bottom feeding attention whore of very limited intelligence? Ohhhkay. Julia Baugher = Julia Allison. There is no “real” her. She really is that dumb.

    • “How has she not commented on….”

      That would assume that she comments on ANYTHING current at all.

      Julia only comments on herself. The end.

  14. The more I look at this picture, the more I understand her pelts, overmakeup, Xxxxtreem posing. She’s surprisingly average looking in a straight on, face front, minimal grooming picture.

    I mean…she’s ok. She had a pretty rockin bod for a while, too. But she’s not this “gorgeous” creature you keep hearing her lonely legions slobber about. She’s just regular old wonky 20 something. No wonder she started with the shenanigans – nobody in NYC would have looked at her twice in jeans and a tshirt.

    • “nobody in NYC would have looked at her twice in jeans and a tshirt.” … and a banana stuck in her cleavage???

      I totally agree. She really is very average looking. There are a million girls prettier than her, especially in a big city. She is nothing special. And oh how that burns her.

    • I remember somewhere someone wrote that she is not as pretty in person as she is on your ‘computer screen’.

      • Probably because she is all posed and spackled and angled and contorted and shot from from space at a 45 degree angle on my computer screen. In person she’s just Stumpy Overdone Mcstupidstunts.

      • “Stumpy Overdone Mcstupidstunts”??? LOL!

        The strawberry daquiris are on me, partypants!

    • I went from thinking she’s average, to thinking she was pretty for awhile, and then back to average again.

      She mentioned during one of her nauseating dating advice analogies that it takes 20 shots to get a good picture just like it take 20 dates to find the right guy. In every picture she takes of herself she looks totally different than in ones taken by other people where she’s not doing her calculated poses.

    • i think she “cleans up well” so to speak. looks average generally speaking, but can look pretty when made up. she definitely could’ve been very attractive if she had a great personality (and a decent sartorial sense). unfortunately she just made a mess out of herself.

  15. It’s been said here before and I’ll say it again: she looks like a tranny.

    Her face is so ‘man-ish’. She’s also got those giant sausage snappers, thick calves and cankles, and that horrible loud/grating voice.

    Honest to God, there is NOTHING feminine about her. Perhaps that’s why she goes overboard with all the super Fem costumes, makeup, girly behavior, etc. Trying to compensate for being so Manly?

    • Julio/a

      In a world where being different…makes. you. stronger.

      A boy named Julio is born with birth defects in his bathing suit spots. Surgery saves his life – but not his gender. Now “Julia”, after years of searching for an identity she could feel at home with, has discovered the truth. But will finding out what she was change who she wants to become?

      Tiara Tutu studios present a film from the director of “Cutting Crotches” and the producer of “Wo|mun”, the epic, moving story of Julio/a.

  16. Heh:

    “Eeek, trying to find an outfit that won’t look like I have a stick up my ass next to the much-cooler-hipster style of @alexa_chung tomorrow.about 3 hours ago from web ”

    Don’t worry, kiddo: no matter what you wear, you’ll still sound and act like you have a stick up your generous rump.

    Odd, it’s like she thinks of herself and other women as Barbie dolls, dress ’em for the part and voilà, reality.

    • My money is on the romper, blazer and lack ruffle-shoes.

      Oh wait, maybe the YSL shoes are a hail mary purchase to impress Alexa?

      • Julia didn’t buy any YSLs unless her “matchmaker dates” gave her a particularly generous advance payday. She’s the tacky hick tourist that goes into expensive stores to browse and put her grubby hands and feet on everything and then does not buy anything. It’s disgusting.

    • God, will she get off her insulting intellectuals/artists/hipster shtick? Julia, your envy is showing.

  17. The latest twat:

    “The unfortunate mantra of many girls in the Facebook Generation: “So little time, so many mediums with which to stalk him.”40 minutes ago from web ”

    Sigh. Everytime she tries to be introspective or witty it’s like watching a baby chew its foot for the first time.

  18. “I’ve also ALMOST emailed in screenshots of ridiculous texts to my blog & not to the friend they were meant for.”

    Let’s take a closer look at this sentence, shall we? Some dope texted her a sexy message. She found it “ridiculous” enough to email a screenshot of it to another friend. She is some piece of work.

  19. Keep it light! Let it unfold!

    Also…manufacture a false image of busyness so he won’t think you’re desperate!

  20. What is all this about RISK and PERIL when sexting? Unless you’re fooling around with someone completely inappropriate, what’s the big deal? I’d say she has a guilty conscience, but I suspect she doesn’t have one at all.

    • Risk and peril when the naughty photos “accidentally” get leaked to Gawker. Whoopsie! Gee, never saw that coming.

      The naughty photos angle is really the only one she’s got left before vanishing in a poof of pink smoke into utter and total obscurity.

      • In her emails to me the other week, she said she isn’t trying to be a celebrity, otherwise she would leak a sex tape.

      • Classic Julia legalese. A sex tape is not the same thing as nudie pics. She can orchestrate “accidentally” leaked photos herself- no mate needed. (just a camera, low pink lighting and photo shop! It’s like any other day in the pink padded cell!) A leaked sex tape would actually require sex with someone and well… we’ve already discussed how Har Har and the booty calls are 99% made up.

      • Ya know, I think she’s tried really hard to “accidentally” lose some scandalous pics, but it never worked. There was that thing where she lost a hard drive full of photos on the subway, and the tweets about losing her iphone multiple times.

        Jackles, ya gotta work a bit harder on that ploy. Not only do you have to pretend to lose something, but a third party (on your payroll) has to pretend to FIND that something. Plus, some gossip writer has to know who you are and, even more of a stretch, give enough of a shit to want to post your fugly-ass pics.

  21. She has a fan named @TheTurd?

    With a handle like that, one is compelled to check his twitter stream:

    “Is going ass crack back to armpits is the shower as bad going ass to mouth on a girl?”
    about 6 hours ago from Tweetie

    Pretty much what you’d expect from a Julia Allison fan, no?

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