Julia: Fawning and Smiley Faces

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Tweet No. 1:

Is the Empire Hotel new? How did I not notice this place before now?!? Amazing spot for sexy drinks.

Tweet No. 2, an hour later:

🙂

This is usually code for letting thousands of strangers know she might be getting some. She is also blathering on about her new BFF, some woman in a Flashdance outfit — and what do you know, she’s a friend of Harvard Harley’s! Another classic JA move, to ingratiate herself as fawningly as possible with all of her target’s friends.

This is my unbelievable new girl friend Jordan Berkow and Jason London.

I met Jordan at the first party Harvard Harley invited me to, a few weeks ago (they were friends in college). After graduating in 2003, she fled to LA to become an actress. Turns out the whole Hollywood thing didn’t much suit her, so she came back home (raised in the city, Dalton grad) to pursue journalism – and yes, she’s an incredible writer.

In the interim, she managed to marry a gorgeous Yale-educated musician she met on MYSPACE. Yes. MySpace. Seriously. MYSPACE. I asked her three times if she was joking. I would have loved to see their NYT wedding announcement: Harvard meets Yale … on MySpace.

He proposed within six weeks. They were engaged for a little over a year, and they’ve been married for almost eight months. They both have tattoos.

It’s better than a movie.

Anyway! In addition to being (as you can clearly see) ridiculously, obscenely, drop-dead gorgeous, she also happens to be one of the sweetest and most genuine girls I’ve met in a long time. No pretention whatsoever. And yeah, of course she’s bright as hell. The topper – a matching shih-tzu puppy – was almost too much for me. My girl crush is undeniable.

I still sort of can’t believe she actually exists.

If I am this woman, I am seriously weirded out by this Jackles post.

108 COMMENTS

    • Oh, come on, PP. You made me a sexy drink that one time that I came over to hang. I think it involved Franzia, Jim Beam, and a little soy sauce.

  1. She’s married to Kendrick Strauch of Harlem Shakes which is a somewhat cool band and he’s supposed to be a pretty decent, normal guy. Which means he’s probably mortified by the recent JA invasion — who wouldn’t be?

  2. Julia Allison is, at this very moment, ensconced in her Pretty Pink Cupcake Tutu Palace churning out the screenplay based on The Jordan Berkow Story.

  3. This is one of the most transparent ploys to catch a man I’ve ever seen. Good grief, this is cringe-inducing! Are you seeing this Harvard Harley? Are you being hit over the head hard enough?

    This also smacks of overcompensation, to me. In the pit of her cold heart, I think Julia Allison hates this woman who is everything and has everything that she, Julia, wants to be and wants to have. Julia will cling to this woman like a limpet but if she wasn’t a friend of HarHar’s I’ll bet Julia would cut her dead. In the meantime, Julia just looks more of a failure, more of a bitch, more pathetic in comparison.

    Julia has decided they will be besties. What makes her think Jordan needs anyone like Julia in her life?

    • Srlsly. If I was this woman I’d be, wait a sec, I’ve met this bitch twice. How am I suddenly her unbelievable new girlfriend?! And she posts a bunch of gushing comments and pictures of me on her blog?! DO NOT TELL HER MY PHONE NUMBER!! DO NOT GIVE HER MY EMAIL ADDRESS.

  4. She did the same thing with JL’s friend’s gfs, like Anna and Courtney. Julia, you are transparent, and if HH cannot see that… he’s pretty much an idiot and you are welcome to him.

  5. Does she tell her victims when she’s going to do this, I wonder. It’s one thing to pose for a few photographs with your dog and your kitten, but does Jackles say: “These are going on my blog, and I am also going to write about you, gush about you and identify you by name. Are you OK with that?”

    I know in the past she often hasn’t let people know she is putting their photos or their instant message exchanges on her blog, and has had to knock them down when they protest.

    • Seriously. The are FOUR pictures of this woman and / or her pets and the inside of her apartment on Julia’s blog, in addition to the gushing love letter, which is longer than anything Jackles has written in weeks. And she’s met this woman once – maybe twice – at a party? It’s SO FUCKING CREEPY.

      But I guess this is just another “strategic partnership” for Julia in her quest to land a husband. Since she has absolutely no career prospects left and is utterly unemployable, her strategic partnerships with Sarah Lacy, Randi Zuckerberg and Rachel Sklar are no longer useful…. time to move on to stalking the friends of someone you have presumably gone out on less than five dates with. Again… SO FUCKING CREEPY.

    • Yeah. Did she run the “copy” by her friend? Maybe said friend doesn’t want all the details about her life revealed publicly.

      • I hope Jordan is comfortable with complete strangers knowing:
        – what the inside of her apartment looks like
        – what her pets look like
        – what she looks like without a bra
        – where she grew up
        – her primary school
        – her college and what year she graduated
        – where she grew up
        – her career failures and ambitions
        – her husband
        – how she met her husband
        – where her husband went to college
        – how long they were engaged and how long they’ve been married
        – that she has a tattoo

    • okay, i can see your point but this “victim” let Jaba take her photo. and, if she posted only 4 photos, you have to assume she took about 400, right? regardless of how many photos were taken (at least 4), the stalkee sure looks like she was having fun as JA snapped away, don’t you think?

      not to say that this isn’t totally weird and creep on JA’s part, but i don’t feel too horrible for the actress/writer. if JA whipped out a camera around me (would never happen, as i have “nothing” to offer her), i would be like, “bitch, please.”

  6. She’s so weird. So her the top and unsubtle with every single thing. Coming on too strong is terrifying no matter who you are and no matter the relationship with your target. I can’t remember a time it hasn’t sent me packing.

  7. So has Har Har hit the road then? Because if so this glomming on to his friends seems like some insanely desperate way to stay in his line of sight.

    • I’m guessing not yet. Otherwise, who’s responsible for last night’s smiley face tweet? The sexy drinks Miss I-don’t-drink didn’t imbibe?

      Not that I believe the implications of the stupid smiley face. If she got it it was self-induced. Probably fuelled by the elaborate fantasy future she’s busy crafting for herself in her mind, inspired by Jodan’s actual life but clearly there’s been a mistake because that life should be JULIA’S DAMMIT!

      • YES! Because clearly Facebook hook-ups are far superior. Silly Jordan, she really messed up there but it’s probably not her fault, the poor thing. SHE doesn’t have the Facebook connections that Julia does and so didn’t recognize MySpace’s pathetic social media status. It’s a miracle, really, that Jordan found her man there.

      • Duh of course she knows where Brooklyn is. NYC IS HER TOWN, BITCHES. She revels in its pulse, the energy, vibrant effable people who come together in this fondue pot of fabulous, where everyone can dip their cupcakes into the creamy melted icing of possibility! HER TOWN!

      • PP are you suggesting that Julia actually knows there’s more to NYC than Manhattan?!

        I guess I’m not giving Julia enough credit. My bad.

      • I remember, a while back, Julia went to Brooklyn. I think she was dating Leventhual at the time, who I believe lives in Park Slope. She also went to Brooklyn, A LOT , when she was with Lodwick. Whenever she goes she “revels” (to use a big meghanaisse word) in how great it is and how she needs to make an EFFORT (2 more subway stops) to go there more often and how she wants to move there and then she forgets about Brooklyn and shutters herself into the midtown pink 10×7 box.

      • Its alexander marquardt she occasionally sleeps with, everytime she meets him there are smiley tweets. everytime.

      • i’m convinced that the smilies mean NOTHING. it’s purely for our benefit because she knows out little brains kick into overdrive trying to figure out WHY she’s so happy.

  8. Julia, as Judy Trenor advised Lily Bart, “Go slowly!” This may be your last chance for marriage. Do not blow it as marriage is your only decent exit strategy at this point.

    • Mrs. Trenor was a tall fair woman, whose height just saved her

      from redundancy. Her rosy blondness had survived some forty years

      of futile activity without showing much trace of ill-usage except

      in a diminished play of feature. It was difficult to define her

      beyond saying that she seemed to exist only as a hostess, not so

      much from any exaggerated instinct of hospitality as because she

      could not sustain life except in a crowd. The collective nature

      of her interests exempted her from the ordinary rivalries of her

      sex, and she knew no more personal emotion than that of hatred

      for the woman who presumed to give bigger dinners or have more

      amusing house-parties than herself. As her social talents, backed

      by Mr. Trenor’s bank-account, almost always assured her ultimate

      triumph in such competitions, success had developed in her an

      unscrupulous good nature toward the rest of her sex, and in Miss

      Bart’s utilitarian classification of her friends, Mrs. Trenor

      ranked as the woman who was least likely to “go back” on her.

      • Does anyone know if Julia has ever actually thrown a party? Or does she just go to/crash them?

  9. My cold black heart melted a little at the story about the kitten rescued from the West Side Highway, I must say. Poor thing.

  10. I just looked at her tweets and my eyes bleed. That smile is redic. Why fill the tweet world in that you hooked up? Or why allude the tweet world to believe that? aka kevin rose. Also, what is the need to refer to everyone as Miss or Mr. She used both in the same tweet. I would never refer to a close friend with a Miss Jordan whatever her last name is.. or the ineffable Mister Alexander Marquet (sp?).

    • Our Pretty Princess Julia Allison believes that by affecting the “Miss” or “Mr,” she makes herself just that much more adorable and enhances her special snowflakiness. She’s just so classy in this classless sewer pit of a universe.

  11. The obvious obsession that you weirdos have with someone you claim to not like is totally fun to read. None of you can see what losers you look like. Sad.

    • And yet you’re reading all of these comments…so bizarre that you should care so much what complete strangers do with their time on the internet.

      The Jackles Reality Show is the most entertaining thing on my computer box flickery screen. I used to comment on Television Without Pity, but since Project Runway and Rock of Love aren’t currently running, I amuse myself by snarking on this Julia Allison character.

  12. “… she also happens to be one of the sweetest and most genuine girls I’ve met in a long time. No pretention whatsoever. ”

    What a nice bitch slap to your other friends. Sorry Randi, Mary, Meghan, Sarah, Shira, Rachel et al… you’ve now been deemed fake, pretentious and mean in Regina George’s Slam Book of Secrets. Nothing you do or say can compare to the ridiculously, obscenely, drop-dead gorgeous glow of Julia’s new repressed lesbian crush.

  13. Hee! Did anyone else notice that commenter “Go Julia! Go Julia!” turned up here –coincidentally, I am sure–during the visit to New York City of Julia Allison’s knight in shining armor, Paul Carr?????

  14. I’m starting to agree that Harvard Harley isn’t real as well now too. What guy in their right mind would let this go on? It’s one thing to say that you’re going on a date – it’s a complete other to post pictures and “:)” and things insinuating that she got laid.

  15. I think we are all just killing time today while we wait and see what fresh hell Julia will cause with facebook usernames. Let’s see. xoxojulia. julia. juliaallison. juliabaugher. bumpygreenvagina.I wonder what other usernames superceleb julia will be given just because she’s so special.

    • Dang it! I wanted bumpygreenvagina as my facebook username!!

      I’ll just have to settle for “swampvag”, I suppose.

  16. Double hee! Did anyone notice that Pretty Princess Ponykins Julia Allison is still trying to get the attention of Ben Leventhal–soliciting restaurant suggestions from him so she can dine out with her knight in shining armor, the very important and worldly British journalist Paul Carr–and then actually daring to give a capsule review of said restaurant, complete with grade?????

    “A minus,” quoth our Lady of Disordered Eating and Drinking. I am sure Ben Leventhal is gnashing his teeth in frustration that he let this sparkling pink gem slip through his scruffy hands.

    • “Some scruffy guy over at eater recommended it” – priceless! More of a Petty Princess, though.

  17. HINT, HINT, HAR-HAR: “HE PROPOSED WITHIN SIX WEEKS.”

    She’s about as subtle as a baseball bat to the cranium.

    • Sorry, but I also had to comment on “…she managed to marry…” what an interesting choice of words.

      • Nice catch, squirrelbait. There is SO much insane, telling, parse-worthy and just straight up CRAZY crap crammed into this post that it borders on satire… either that or ramblings of pure insanity. I mean… really?! Did someone actually type these things and post them to a public forum? To turn Julia’s phrase back on herself: “I still sort of can’t believe she actually exists.”

      • SRSLY! Julia is incredibly ill in the head and it boggles my mind that she or no one around her seems to notice.

  18. At first I thought JABa was posting pictures of Hillary Duff. (eye roll)
    Yet, this isn’t much better.
    And ya, Miss Julia HeeHaw, way to diss all the other awesome incredible ineffable amazing bunnies you glom on to as soon as you meet them and discover they have something you want.
    Please PLEASE marry her HarvardHarley, you’ve hung around this long (believe me, it’s almost a record!), so be a bro and take her out of circulation.

  19. What an original phrase-turner she is: she almost “exploded in joy” holding Jordan’s kitten.

    Yet she has stated before that she is allergic to cats (and hates Dan’s cats).

  20. Well, anytime Julia posts more than a photo and a sentence, you do realize what time it is … it’s time for another edition of “What Julia REALLY thinks!!”

    Let’s begin, my friends …

    “This is my unbelievable new best girl friend Jordan Berkow, and her Lilly-clone shih-tzu pup, Lucy. Yes, Jordan replaces former best girl friends like Leven R., Rachel S., Randi Z., Caroline M., Courtney F., Shira L., Mary R., Meghan A., CD, all those girls that I mentioned at my Georgetown reunion who work only in big media companies … I’m just so popular, it’s exhausting! Yesterday, I had all sorts of meetings and lunches with my agents, and people expect me to go to parties and stuff!

    I met Jordan at the first party (date 1.5, for those keeping track on twitter)Harvard Harley invited me to, a few weeks ago (they were friends in college – yes, they BOTH went to HARVARD). After graduating in 2003, she fled to LA to become an actress. Turns out the whole Hollywood thing didn’t much suit her, so she came back home (raised in the city, Dalton grad – for those who aren’t in the know like me, it’s a super, super expensive private school on the Upper East Side) to pursue journalism – and yes, she’s an incredible writer. I should know, because I am an amazing writer too! My agent, Kate Lee with ICM, said so at lunch yesterday … or at least, I think she did. She mentioned something about me needing to write more.

    In the interim, she managed to marry a gorgeous Yale-educated musician she met on MYSPACE. Yes. MySpace. Seriously. MYSPACE. She likes tech stuff too, just like me! I asked her three times if she was joking, then I immediately went home and made my lovely new intern, Melissa, update my Myspace page for potential Ivy League suitors. I would have loved to see their NYT wedding announcement: Harvard meets Yale … on MySpace. I can see MY NYT wedding annonucement: Harvard meets Georgetown media star. Oh, and Jordan’s a size two, so she’ll be a perfect bridesmaid in a big pink tafetta ballgown at my wedding with Harvard Harley!! I’m SO blessed!!!

    He proposed within six weeks (so…Harvard Harley, maybe around date 8.5? remember, I won’t sleep with you until date 11.5). They were engaged for a little over a year, and they’ve been married for almost eight months. They both have tattoos. I have a tattoo, and clearly, Harvard Harley does!! Or at least, I’m pretending he does, because he has a Harley.

    It’s better than a movie, how similar our lives are and how she’s my new best friend. Seriously, all this time I’ve been wasting on tech guys … I clearly should have been hunting for Ivy League husbands. My dad went to Princeton, so I’m clearly destined for a Harvard husband.

    Anyway! In addition to being (as you can clearly see) ridiculously, obscenely, drop-dead gorgeous (since, you all know, I’m not friends with ugly or fat girls), she also happens to be one of the most sweetest, most geniune, and most naive girls I’ve met in a long time (…ahem, Mary…). No pretention whatsoever, doesn’t mind me posting pathetic love letters about her online and copious amounts of photos, hasn’t threatened to upstage me by being single, skinnier and richer than me, isn’t afraid of me stealing her husband or ruining her career. And yeah, of course she’s bright as hell because she went to HARVARD. The topper – a matching shih-tzu puppy – was almost too much for me. My girl crush is undeniable for now. When Randi Z gets back into town for a big fancy facebook party though, I’ll have to shelve Jordan. But I have to admit, having an obsession with one of Harvard Harley’s married girlfriends is a very useful stalking tool. Stalking ex-boyfriends new girlfriends wasn’t working out too well for me … but I’m indefatiguable!

    I still sort of can’t believe she exists. But then again, I’m so blessed and SO. HAPPY. right now.”

    • “When Randi Z gets back into town for a big fancy facebook party though, I’ll have to shelve Jordan. ”

      You are amazing, dear what Julia really meant. You must be a professional writer, no? I applaud you!

      Julia’s friends have to get used to a regular shelving when they are not useful.

      • Why, many love, xoxos, and bunnies for your kind words! I’m nowhere near a professional writer – I wrote a hilariously bad screenplay a few years ago. I came to the realization that since my finished product made films like “Bride Wars” and “Paul Blart: Mall Cop” appear as Academy Award nominees for best screenplay, I’d best be served by pursuing other alternatives 😉

  21. I had a dream I had – unbeknownst to me – been paying dues for a gym for the last 12 months. And hadn’t gone even once. #NotReallyMysterious26 minutes ago from web

    What is her deal with trending every stupid twithought she has? Also this is twitter, Julia, not interpretyourdreams.com.

    • Must have been a nightmare — she actually had to pay for something. I also hate when she uses @ with cutesy phrases and they turn out to be somebody’s actual twitter account. I think she switched to trending when people started calling her out on the @ thing. @#.com!!

    • Didn’t tweet or blog, a while back, that she’s a paying member of a gym which she doesn’t go to? This addition to the gym in her building.

  22. You are all just jealous haterz. That thingie she does with the #trendinghashmarks is adorbs. Paul Carr thinks so, too.

  23. Julia is living the dream. Just because some posters come to her defense does not make us trolls. Wasn’t this blog created to speak freely? And I am. Julia is a smart, funny, sweet, popular, gorgeous and famous.

  24. Surprise, surprise. They actually posted my comment on TMI Weekly in response to the Gracie’s video:

    Julia, you are one of the worst “journalists” I’ve ever seen. You don’t seem to understand that when interviewing someone it’s not all about you- it’s about the person you are interviewing. If we wanted to know what you thought or have your point of view, we wouldn’t need you to be interviewing someone else. The constant open-mouth fake-surprise face at the camera whenever someone answers your question is completely lame and unprofessional. Also, why are you dressed for the Oscars? You overdressed horrendously for this occasion and it looks tacky and takes the attention away from the interviewee. I’m sure that wasn’t intentional, right? This was a terrible episode of TMI weekly and I’m not surprised. You have zero camera presence and are painful to watch. Next time send Mary- for a non-“journalist” she sure does a better job than you.

    • and don’t forget that stupid hand move—
      giggle with hand over mouth.
      What IS that???? Trying to be a Japanese
      Girl teenager?
      Do Journalists really do that?
      Total FAIL.

  25. Um, I’m not bringing up anything that JA hasn’t already mentioned
    (vibrators) But, really, she seems to be a chronic masturbator.
    That could be the reason she does not seem to like sex, or feel the need of male companionship. How could any man compete with one of
    her Pink Dongs?
    I think a post with all of the many vibrator references would be an interesting academic exercise.
    Last night, I was thinking about her Gawd-awful Voice, and someone’s post that she should really get some COACHING to make it more palatable, and smooth it out. She is GRUFF—
    plus all this girl-crush stuff–plus the hairy arms–plus the
    shouting bad behaviour–it’s all just getting too much.
    She really is un-hinged, or a crypto-Lesbian without any self-awareness….secretly trying to be a Lipstick Lezzie.
    Happy Gay Pride, y’all!

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