Julia: Not Sure What The Best Sex She Ever Had Was

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When NYT Bestselling author Erica Jong asks you to write a piece for inclusion in her upcoming anthology, “The Best Sex I’ve Ever Had” – along with Daphne Merkin, Fay Weldon, Honor Moore, Linda Gray Sexton, Anne Roiphe, Susie Bright, and Naomi Wolf – YOU SAY YES.

But … what WAS the best sex I’ve ever had?!

Hmmm.

What was the best sex YOU ever had??

Firstly — I don’t believe this. That is all.

Secondly — who needs to put out the call for good sex stories? You either know what it was or you don’t. I can tell you without a moment’s hesitation the hottest sexual experience of my life because I frequently dream about it and attempt to recreate it, usually quite successfully, with my partner.

The trouble is here, I am willing to bet, is that her best sexual experience involves her looking at photos of herself in which she thinks she looks hot — perhaps that Gawker photo shoot, the Wired cover or pictures of herself in the condom fairy get-up — and her trusty vibrator. She’s now seeking good sex stories because she knows she can’t possibly submit that to “Erica Jong.” Although it would be far more interesting and truthful than anything she’s ever written if she did.

110 COMMENTS

  1. She recently met with her agents, right? I think someone got her this ‘gig’. I agree; it’s really too hard to believe. There’s always some swarmy reason lurking behind.
    Spoiled brat.

  2. This would be awesome if she was like “I’ve had SO MUCH GREAT SEX that I don’t know what the best sex I ever had was! So hard to narrow it down!”

    But no. She’ll probably steal a submitted story and hock it off as her own. She’s about as honest as a honest as a crackwhore on rent day.

    • Yeah it will be a PG compilation of all the stories she’s received and she’ll allude to naughty bits, rather than naming them…She’ll write the prude sex story for the book.

      • Or some snore inducing paragraph about some fictional princess fantasy – you know, expensive dinner, sex on the beach followed by sex in silk bed overlooking beach, followed by “I love you” and roses.

        Why can’t she just say “the time I fucked in a van with the backdoors left open at an event, after too much Boone’s Farm and pot” like everyone else??? Get with, Julia.

  3. OMG. She needs to steal best sex stories from other people in order to compose her own?

    That truly is SAD 🙁

    that or she’s just an evil robot who is afraid to feel something.

  4. Maybe she can’t remember the best sex she’s ever had because she only has sex in her werewolf form; therefore, her memory is patchy. We can’t fault her for that, surely.

  5. Masturbation was my first thought too. You know what, I always say that if Jackles embraced the cunty bitch she was and went turbo bitch on her blog, I’d love her. Same here. If she would just admit that masturbating to photo shopped pics of her donkey bray was her best sexual experience, well, I’d love her FOREVER.

  6. Assuming this is really happening because her agentS had some serious dirt on Erica Jong’s people or whatever, it is still a completely different question whether there will in fact ever be a finished piece that is deemed publishable unless her mother writes it again. So there will probably be a finished piece. This is just wrong and I’m not saying that out of jealousy, I just think seriously considering her to participate is a disgrace for every respectable book project. Anyway, I’ll believe it once the book actually goes to print.

    • True. And Eric Jong will tell her she wants 1,500 words and Jackles will submit 10,000. She never obeys word length.

      • …which is very indicative of why Julia is such a poor writer. Decent writers are, generally speaking, concise in their word choices, and don’t need to babble on and on for their personality to seep through.

  7. This reminds me of the TMI episode where she described her best date ever, then admitted that it had been with her mom (AWK).

    I can totally imagine her writing: “we went to see the ballet, then to a delicious dinner, then had cupcakes, then cuddled in front of the fire all night… actually, that was with my dad”.

  8. My sense is that sex for women like Miss Julia Allison Baugher is akin to the “leveraged relationships” she describes. Meted out with calculating precision for some other purpose than any intrinsic pleasure that might be found in the act itself.
    That, or alternately, suitors are given permission to engage in one-sided adoration of her vestal perfection and/or be overtly impressed by her superior techniques as a courtesan, learned, as she has written, through diligent study.
    Now that she appears to be on a highly focussed husband hunt, however, I think it requires (in her mind) maintainance of the virginal persona she’s tried to establish over the past year. This has occured in tandem with her costume shift from slutty everything to model 50s housewife dolling herself up before driving to pick-up her professionally employed husband at the train each night, martinis chilling in the butler’s pantry at home, roast in the oven.
    All exaggerated, all cliché, all fake. And all in character for a certain aspirant to Queen of the Webutante Ball.
    It is probably not in her interest to admit to having great sex, ever, and so she chooses instead to be oh so coy about it. Great sex with some other guy might deflect the interest of a future prospective husband, (who, one hopes, has a naturally very low libido or is at least aware that he is facing a future of frustration/mistresses and eventually a very expensive and acrimonious divorce).

  9. Everyone should write Erica Jong and beg her to not include Julia in the book.

    If she can’t remember the best sex she’s ever had in a heartbeat, then she’s doing it wrong.

  10. Can we get a new post up…I want to eat lunch and thinking about Julia “Dead Fish” Allison (her face ain’t the only thing that don’t move, yall) having sex is causing me untold levels of gastric distress.

  11. “God, text messaging is the best thing ever invented. EVER. Right after vibrators. And cupcakes.about 12 hours ago from web ”

    Does she think she is being cute? Or edgy? It just comes off as juvie.

    • if she had ever had good-to-great sex in her life, she’d know it’s not the vibrator that was god’s best invention…

    • I guess I’m a prude because I would feel weird tweeting about my love of vibrators if I felt there was a chance my parents would read it. They know that I have sex, but they don’t need to have a mental image of me spreadeagled, impaling myself (like all of you do now).

      I guess I am a prude…cos when I read these declarations from Julia, I truly think TM fucking I !!

      OK, time for a veggie burger.

      • I’m not one to frown about vibrators or sex toys or masturbation but god, if I wanted to be taken seriously in her industry, i’d refrain from public tweets. EWWWWWWW

    • Julia is such an uptight prude. If she thinks talking about vibrators is edgy, then she’s never had great sex. She is hilariously deluded to even put herself in the same sentence/association with Erica Jong.

  12. There is NO Erica Jong book deal. Her lit agent probably mentioned it to her at that meeting and asked her to submit an essay for review because the agent would probably like to get paid whatever peanuts that Julia Allison’s 10% commands these days. No way that Erica Jong ASKED Julia to be in the book. More legalese and massaging the truth.

    • I don’t think any of us believe that Erica Jong even knows who “I’m sorry, who? Julia? Allison? uh….gawker? Yeah, no.” is. I agree her agent probably asked her to submit an essay, but shit, anyone can submit work to fucking anyone if you get it in the right hands.

      Her whole ‘I’m an important and noteworthy writer’ schtick is played out. She needs to move her wide shelf ass back to chicago and get married before her looks are totally gone and stop this charade of being Carrie Bradshaw.

    • I agree, it’s a test run. Julia would never have the balls to write something authentic enough to pass Jong’s muster. Or, if it’s philosophical, then there has to be some honest physical descriptions in there, too.

      “He looked me deeply in the eyes and I felt my, um . You know. DOWN THERE hahah”

      Won’t cut it.

    • I agree 100%. I’m guessing Erica Jong is editing some sort of anthology (akin to Ira Glass “editing” the “The New Kings of Nonfiction” a few years ago). It would make sense that her publisher has already secured a couple of name brands to commit to writing stories, and now they have to fill the rest of the book. So, the natural next step is to reach out to lit agents and get them to ask some clients to submit pieces on spec.

      Rest assured, her piece will not make it in.

  13. Off topic, but: Where have all the bunnies gone?
    Krystal?
    RandiZ?
    RachelS?
    SaraL?
    MeghanA? (has JABa even met Meg’s sister yet, and why isn’t SHE interning for NS?)

    • I think they’re grooming Meghan’s sister to be a guest contributor. Cuz, you know. She knows so much about life & all.

    • Was Krystal one of Julia’s “besties from georgetown”? I have it in my head, for some reason, that she was …

      Hopefully Randi has picked up on that Julia only notices her whenever Randi has an invite to an exclusive event/access to wealthy tech men or famous feminist women.

      The Rachel S. one makes me laugh, because Julia totally burned that bridge. A couple of years ago, Julia spent Thanksgiving over at Rachel’s. Now?? Nothing, even though they still run with largely the same circle of friends.

      Meghan is apparently only useful as a money bags/dog sitter (she dogsat Lilly recently).

      • Yeah. Rachel and Jules are “okay” with each other but they are not besties and Julia would never call Rachel her mentor like she used to.

        Randi, my guess is that their relationship is going underground until all the FB hoopla over making friends into fans goes away. Also, FB was supposedly going to team up with NS/TMI according to Julia…

        NOT ANY MORE. Another big name/big thing she throws out only to never come to fruition.

  14. Here’s what I think happened: her lit agent mentioned that Erica Jong was writing an anthology, and she was attempting to find out if Julia can be included, potentially. Julia takes that as “OMG!! ERICA JONG IS MY NEW BESTIE!! Can I arrange a photo shoot for my photo???”

    Here’s what, if this ACTUALLY happens, I think the rough outline of Julia’s “best sex story will be like”:

    STORY ONE: Her first time experience, with all the fumbling around and well, awkwardness that the first time entails.
    STORY TWO: Her first one-night stand, where she realized that being a one-night stand girl wasn’t for her.
    STORY THREE: Her first time with that ex, Alex, where she realized oh how much she actually loved him because, didn’t you know, he bought her five dresses from Saks and then took her to the ballet???
    …we could go through all her recycled stories. Eventually though (in probably 5 times over the allocated word limit), Julia will reach the ever-so-original conclusion that the best sex you can have is when you truly, positively love yourself.

  15. 4:30 AM Manhattan. As the city that never sleeps does, a lone woman sits staring at the pink glow of her computer screen. She goes through picture after picture of herself, and starts to feel alone. This feeling of being alone stirs something in her. A sense of superiority and pride fills her as she looks at all the pictures of herself. She stops at a particularly impressive one. She knowingly smirks. She puts the dog in the closet, for there is no other room, and the ritual begins yet again.

    Scene.

  16. Loren… that’s a reeeeaaalllly creepy visual!!
    (creepy, because I fear it’s true)

  17. Well, yawn, there’s the finger-banging she got in Balthazar from Dave Zinczenko.

    Try not to imagine the braying, Loren.

  18. mary was growing on me for a little while, but… no, still hate the bitch.
    “You can thank my intern Elizabeth if you find something you love. She’s a rockstar at research!”

    clicking through to a few shopping websites is NOT research. OMFG mary, you are one lazy fuck.

  19. I don’t know–I kind of side with Jackles here (well, not side with her, but am in a similar boat). I would be hard pressed to relate the best sex ever. I mean, yes, there was one time–namely, the second time I’ve ever had sex with my then-boyfriend. First time was painful but second time was the best orgasm ever without a doubt, but the sex itself? It was pretty staid reverse missionary. And then there are other good sex experiences from a strictly sex-perspective but thinking about them (namely, the partners I shared those with) kind of grosses me out. There is a reason they are ex-boyfriends. Once they are exes the thought that I ever had sex with them grosses me out.

    • Are you a self-styled “dating/sex” columnist? Julia has claimed to be one, and therefore, she should be able to easily write something along these lines without acting like an immature asshole.

    • I don’t have a hard time remembering the best sex I ever had…but since it wasn’t with my current partner, I sure wouldn’t be writing it down for worldwide publication. If Julia had a brain, she wouldn’t be writing it down, either. Too much potential for alienating past, present, and future partners. (What am I saying–she does that on a daily basis!)

  20. Is it bad that i want to email the following:

    Dear Julia Allison,
    No, I don’t remember my prom because I never went to fucking prom and the only person who is still trying to make me feel bad about it is you.

    GAHHHHHH

    • Wanting to do it is fine. Actually doing it will just make her feel smug and superior. The best therapy is to let it out here, just the way you did. If it helps, I went with a group of singles to prom. You didn’t miss a damn thing, believe me.

      • Aww, thank you Squirrel! That was nice. I don’t feel bad, truly. The only thing that leaves a bad taste in my mouth is how JA seems to think that everything she’s ever done is Oh. my. GOD. Soooooo
        funny/
        cool/
        fabulous/
        amazing/
        superlative/
        in every way.
        GAG.

  21. The real question isn’t about Julia at all but how much longer the small few that actually still believe she’s a big deal will continue to.

    So boring, so contrived. She’s also REALLY unattractive in person. Nice stumpy legs Jules. Cant you shaggle some money to get someone to fix that?

  22. God, I absolutely hate that kissy-face pose. It irks me more and more. As someone brilliantly said in another thread (on the old site), pursed lips are just “a glossy asshole.” Jules: IT IS NOT CUTE. IT IS NOT ATTRACTIVE. STOP WITH THE KISSY-FACE PHOTOS.
    although, i found it hilarious yesterday that at the asshole yacht party, julia’s idea of an asshole was someone who did not smile in pictures. she looked horrific in those shots…does anyone know WTF is up with her eyebrows?
    as for erica jong…i sincerely hope those of you who think this is just an agent “send something in” thing, i hope you are right. i can’t bear to think that the brilliant jong even knows who this tool is, let alone approach her to write something. i mean, it can’t be, can it? jong is such a fabulous, gifted writer and julia is so utterly talentless and cliche.
    and for christ’s sake, former sex columnist, writing about your best sex ever should not be difficult.
    the weather must be contributing to my rage today. (NY weather=shit today)
    love this new site! have a great weekend, brilliant commenters!!!

    • Brace yourself, because you’ll be seeing it nonstop, now that her face is so lumpy. It’s the only pose that hides most of her hideous plastic disfigurement.

  23. “Oops. Webutante Ball at 6, blind date at 7:30, @Aubs’ bday party at 8. And I’m still in my gym clothes. This can’t possibly end well.26 minutes ago from web ”

    So, she’s having a 30 minute blind date OR she’s bringing the blind date to a birthday party? Um, no. Not appropriate.

    And, she is RUDE as fuckity fuck. I mean, we know she regularly calls her dates to change the time and plan 600 times….

    • Why is she going on a blind date when she’s supposedly all smitten with HarHar?

    • Speaking of blind dates, what happened to those dates she auctioned herself out for (charity water and one or two other “date-a-blogger” type deals in the recent past)???

    • omg, gauche does not even begin to cover this woman. she looks like a sad tranny beauty pageant contestant. and is that not the same tired pink dress we’ve seen her sport so many times before?

    • She is the only one on the planet taking this thing seriously. One of the “contestants” is the hipster grifter, fer chrissake.

      And that red gown, most ridiculous falsies I’ve ever seen.

      And wearing it out on a gross rainy night, yikes.

      The crazy never stops! That’s our Hoolia!

    • How did she gain 35lbs between last night and tonight? I swear her face inflates on a moment’s notice. There should be a warning for the rest of us.

  24. I hope Rambin is ‘crowned’, just because that would piss off Jankles beyond belief. “SO. HAPPY!!!”

  25. Wow, if she is going on a blind date tonight, I would wager that the whole HarHar thing is going south.
    I have NEVER liked Mary, and am glad to see that this site is coming around to disliking that Texan imbecile as well. Even before I truly disliked Jules, I REALLY disliked her “stylist” friend, Mary Rambin. From the outset she seemed bitchy mixed with dumb mixed with huge sense of entitlement mixed with totally unaware of the real world and its problems. Add to that zero sense of humor, no talent for writing and an absence of wit, and you’ve got….well, an apt description of any of the 3 original NS gals.

    • You know, I lived in teh Southz 4 a while, and came to see a little of the pressures on those girlz; it really is brutally competitive in a way that sets all women against each other in the race to GET A MAN, and the members of those strata are total prefeminist throwbacks who have no sense of themselves as competent in any way except in using their “feminine” wiles.

      I am not ashamed to say I learned a few trickz from those bitchez.

      Mary could elevate that.

    • Sadly, I came to like Mary a wee bit since she started her new blog. I always hated her when she was “Style, by Mary”, and I mean HATED her. I never even read her until she left NS & I was intrigued. But I like her varied content and her no b.s. attitude. (She’s toned down a lot since NS. I guess she felt like looking at Jackles was like looking in the mirror a bit too much & she cooled it down a bit.) Anyway, at least there is some content there, which is why I even bother to visit. It’s light & breezy but it’s something other than: Me in pose 1, me in pose 2, artsy shot of my dog, me in pose 4, etc.

      And her latest tweet? As for me, I’m watching the sunset, listening to guitar, drinking wine, not a tutu in sight.

      What a bitch! love it.

    • I liked Mary because I thought she was at least authentically stupid and bitchy and diva. But now she’s just as deluded as Julia. Meghan also, I thought she was harmless, but her stupidity and recession analysis pushed me over the edge.

  26. When Mary gets loaded she can be fun, country club bitch fun!

    “As for me, I’m watching the sunset, listening to guitar, drinking wine, not a tutu in sight 7 minutes ago from txt “

    • Mary needs to be bitchy more often. that is all she has to offer, she should capitalize on it. shit, write a Julia Allison tell-all.

    • Agreed, Sacred and Anon…I guess I can stomach her when she brings the JA-related snark. I wish she did it all the time! It is true, Anon, that it is really the only thing she has to offer.

  27. I would suspect that JA’s personality problems blew up opportunities for the other two and Mary is more than a little bitter (if Meghan emerges from her coma some day she’ll be angry, too). Mary has more depth on J’s public lies than us outsiders, and must be delighted to have her name and reputation linked to that loon.

    • Yes, what is Meghan’s deal? Is it a coma?

      Dr. Sad’s analysis:

      1 – she’s rich
      2 – she doesn’t care
      3 – she’s rich
      4 – she just kind of does her own thing anyhow. Tries some products, posts a couple things, goes to a few parties.
      5 – she’s rich. She’d be more concerned w/building an audience if she were actually invested, i.e. this was her actual future

      I also think she’s kind of bossy but JA lets her get away with it. (See #1 & #3 above)

    • I think Meghan is a tride and true clinical depressive. I know depression when I see it, and she’s a sad, sad lost woman.

    • Do not like mary, I never have. She has a massive sense of entitlement. She is a spoiled rich brat, and her ‘style’ is pretty fucking textbook for a skinny girl.

      She has no traffic, her website would have to work its way up to vanilla, the only posts of interest are the reblogged ones.

      However, she demonstrates her time spent at JAU {Julia Allison University} she demurely posts her little questions, “Is it weird that I don’t know how to buy/prepare crabmeat?” hoping to get the responses that julia promised her she would get.

      She poses with the kissy face; she blogs about the things she wants [and therefore should be sent to her] her advice about booking a massage or facial so one can hang out at hotel/pool zaza; and the best…the high end restaurants she recommends in Miami and then states that the ‘average’ person can’t get into..

      She is really what is wrong with this world.

      Oh, Julia sucks too!

      • Hmmm…I guess I have to read her posts w/a more fine toothed comb. Admittedly, I skip over a lot of the content. Enjoy the travel tips & recipes & actually find some of it inspiring.

        Then again – I’m unemployed now & not dealing with 99% of the shit I used to have to deal with on a daily basis. I swear this makes me a much more easygoing person & is also what the NS gals don’t understand: How the average Joelle lives, how fucking annoying it is to have your faced rubbed in their wealth. Mary, eh…at least she’s doing something 5days/ week. Jackles, who blatantly gets out of bed at noon, posts a couple of things at 4 PM, and then tweets about going to soho house & Alice Olivia sample sale.

        FUUUUCCCCCK. That shit makes me NUTS. At least Mary acts engaged & makes an effort.

        But I won’t try to defend her b/c I really do feel like it’s a “to each his/her own”. And who knows…she’s apt to say something c***y and piss me off tomorrow.

  28. “I lost the Webutante crown to College Humor’s Sarah & was 45 minutes late to my blind date. Oy. Off to @aubs’ bday in my self-awarded tiara!”

    PARSE PLEASE XOXO JANKLES

  29. HAHAHAHAH

    @JuliaAllison I saw you at the Webutante Ball tonight. Why did you run out so fast? Bulimia? Cankle-itis? I’m glad you lost, horseface!

  30. Sad:(

    Nice reply, thank you, and I don’t mean to beat a dead horse [k, maybe I do] but mary just got back from her vacation in miami, and is now on vaca with her mom. Look, I am not begrudging her her life of leisure [except that maybe I am] but I can’t stand to hear/read about how ‘hard’ she works.

    Anyway, enjoy your time off,

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