Julia: How To Lose a Guy in 10 Tweets?

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I don’t know, say I’m some Harvard dude. And I start dating this minor media celebrity, Jackles Allison. Bravely, I go on more than one date despite Googling her and seeing there are a litany of flashing, blaring, bleating warning signs.  She’s got nice tits, after all, and I went to Harvard, so surely I’ll get access pretty soon.

I try not think the worst when I see that in the days before our first date, she was maniacally posting photos of wedding dresses like some deranged eight-year-old girl who’s pulled out Malibu Barbie and is performing wedding ceremonies between Babs and Ken with Skipper as the bridesmaid. I tell myself she must have only been kidding when she Tweet-warned her future bridesmaids, amid the wedding gown frenzy, that they’ll be wearing bright pink gowns with big bows when she gets married in five years, despite the fact she has no romantic prospects in sight.

I date her anyway, and impress her with my Harley, and tolerate her referring to me publicly as “Harvard Harley.” But I have to struggle to fight off the growing panic when I read a collection of her Tweets about me after our handful of brief dates since we first met less than three weeks earlier (in chronological order):

Minutes after first date:

Harvard guy was definitely not a douchebag. 🙂

@brettEnewcomb & @stn774477 – Get your mind out of the gutter!! We haven’t even KISSED yet!! But I definitely have a crush.

Subsequent Tweets:

I just have one Official Flirty Facebook Reply to send to my Harvard crush, and then I’M WATCHING GOSSIP GIRL, AHHHHHHHH!!!!

Um … @MaryRambin? July 18th may have come a little early this year. 🙂 (!!!!!)

Verging on giddy – a combination of last night’s date, the anticipation of seeing my girls from college & being back on campus. Aww

Can you procrastinate your destiny? Hmm.

The bottom line for any relationship – platonic or romantic – comes down to this: do you like who you are with that person?

It’s 10:32 pm and I already want to go to bed. What’s wrong with me?! Related: I am in the mood to snuggle with a certain boy. Trouble.

Am I the only girl who feels a constant undercurrent of nerves when I like someone? Even if they’re not around? (Feeling nervous lately.)

Huh, I might say to myself if I’m Harvard Guy. How strange! I wonder why she might be feeling nervous? Could it be because she is SCARING THE SHIT OUT OF ME and she’s starting to pick up on the cues??

43 COMMENTS

  1. Yeah, those are thing you keep inside your sacred self and not tweet. She also proudly proclaimed that Harvard Harley’s sister follows her on twitter. So, these twits are all some form of passive aggressive flirting & sabotaging.

    • That level of ” passive aggressive flirting & sabotaging” is so awe inspiringly demented. The minds reels.

      • No, I agree. But it does make me die a little that you can beg to borrow a gown like that to cover an event when you don’t actually work for an entity that conducts journalism or writing of any sort.

        Luckily, Kevin Rose is going to the College Humor “Asshole” party tonight so Jacklebear is likely to make a massive fool of herself. Joy!

      • @Hill Girl:

        Whoa, you called it!

        “At Hotel Rivington with @KevinRose. He’s trying to get me to tattoo his face on my back.”

        God, she’s a figure of fun to everybody these days.

      • Don’t worry. She will hideously accessorize – rhinestones, headband, wrist testicle – that lovely dress to the point where it is unrecognizable. Add tranny make up and smelly pelts and she’s all set for the Gracie’s.

    • I think it’s a beautiful dress and Julia looks great in it in that photo. She looks so attractive when she isn’t wearing much makeup.

      • If she looks as good in the other pics, I’ll call this is a Julia Allison FASHION DO moment. A first!

      • How can you see her face? There is a big shadow over it (which, granted, makes her look MUCH better than usual). Maybe I need a new monitor…

  2. The Oscar dress is pretty. Can we play “guess the adjectives”? How many will she use to describe the dress? What will they be?

    Ethereal
    Whimsical
    Ineffable
    ?

    Also, I want to get this off my chest:

    JA’s BFF, Gary (whom I & 400,000 others follow on Twitter) recently had a baby. He posted, like 8, tweets in a row that were basically like “OMG – I love this little girl, life is amazing, WOW” etc. (Search @garyvee to read them all. I don’t even know the guy and I was touched.)

    JA’s response to all of his over-the-top elation:

    @garyvee – Can’t wait to see her in the little striped tights I sent you guys! Guess that’ll have to wait a month or two 😉 xo

    And I’m thinking….Who the fuck gives a shout-out to THEIR GIFT in a congratulatory note? I know it’s Twitter, but…FUCK. God, she just bugs me so much.

    Hulk angry!!

    • I wrote the exact same comment re: Gary V’s new baby on the thread below. This infuriated me. Not to mention, she gave the baby FREE SWAG she got at some event and she gave a new born TIGHTS (which they don’t wear) and she wrapped them in a video she posted and they were size 6months and up. WTF???

      • oops, sorry I missed that! I haven’t been reading all the comments today, TJ.

        She is gross. I’m sure if Gary even read her Tweet he was like, Gee, nice of you to tie in some self promotion on this historic occasion. Fock-a you-a.

        She’s gross.

      • Cringe. The “this infuriated me” was directed at Julia’s tweet to Gary, not you similar point! I hope that was clear!

    • I don’t know if you can even call her message “a congratulatory note” though. Where is the congratulations part? Narcissisism shining bright and clear.

  3. Sad, I wasn’t calling you out for repeating!! I repeat all the time without knowing. I was just totally agreeing with you.

    Also, who gives JUST tights to a newborn baby. Cheap tard.

    • Got it, TJ…Just hate repeating when there’s such a treasure trove of tragic material to parse! (: And it gets tragic-er and tragic-er.

      I hope Harvard Harley’s sister-in-law is filling him in on all this nonsense.

    • Tights for a newborn, that she can wear later….nothing says I got these on sale better!

      BTW, I was thrilled to find out she didn’t send the poor child a headband, though there still is time right?

      the twitter will read:

      @gary’s baby this is a very special headband, it’s a julia.just.wow.headband and it looks best with extensions

  4. i was totally going to say that, totaljing. TIGHTS for a newborn…especially in the summer…is a totally CHEAP and USELESS gift. really, jules? REALLY. (sorry, i love that seth myers-amy poehler thing from SNL)

  5. “Just finished covering the red carpet at @theGracies. Now en route downtown w/ my intern Kate to College Humor’s “Asshole on a Yacht” fête!”

    An interesting tweet:

    One: she didn’t actually GO to the Gracies. Just “covered” it. For whom? I can’t imagine she managed to get a press pass for the wonder that is TMI Weekly, particularly given the dated notions of feminism that Julia harbors.

    Two: intern Kate mysteriously reappears, right in time for her application of “Awesome Interns” to abuse!

    Despite “covering” the Gracies, the bulk of Julia’s coverage will be about OMG! OSCAR DE LA RENTA!! A blurry iPhone pic of KATIE COURIC! Another blurry iPhone pic of AMY POEHLER! ME and MY OSCAR DE LA RENTA GOWN!! Another photo of ME and MY OSCAR DE LA RENTA GOWN!! Did I mention that I was wearing OSCAR DE LA RENTA? And OSCAR DE LA RENTA makes WEDDING GOWNS!!

    • She probs asked Kate for help because presumably she’s changing between the Gracie which she did not attend as a guest, but hired help, And the College Humor/Gofaguest party.

      • Good call (again)! I suppose the Devil is wearing rented Oscar de la Renta this evening, and the abused intern is, in fact, the ultimate accessory.

  6. “At Hotel Rivington with @KevinRose. He’s trying to get me to tattoo his face on my back.”

    “Having one of those amazing New York nights: four parties, three different outfits, what feels like hundreds of friends. I love this town.”

    “Sorry if that last tweet was a little smug/obnoxious. I’m just happy! I blame the one (strong) drink @KevinRose foisted upon me.”

    … gag me.

  7. Thank god twitter has a character limit, can you imagine?

    “4.7 magical dates with Har-Har. I’m hearing wedding bells in my no-no areas. Last night I dreamed we were Pixar characters, and had an ineffeyble wedding. My dress was GOOOORG. Like, if you took some texican girl from Nacogdoches’ quinceanara dress, and it made a baby with a Betsy Johnson sample sale, and their baby was born covered in strawberry cool whip, that was my wedding dress. GaryV’s baby was my flower girl and Lilly was the ring dog, and when we kissed “Waiting For A Star To Fall” began playing just like the closing scene of Three Men and a Little Lady, and then we left the church on a red carpet. Ellen and Portia cried.”

  8. I’m puzzled.
    She tweets about this blind date stuff with HarHar and that she’ll attend his crazy drinking party (after walking lap dog Karp, of course) on May 16 and on May 17 she posts a rather bad picture of her friend with the very long and weird name captioned: ‘At Brendan Brogan’s party’. And that is the only pic she posts from that party.

    http://www.facebook.com/home.php#/photo.php?pid=35613478&id=1402715

    Apart from this being more of a bitch move, why only post one picture? Why is there none of her fake kissing HarHar’s fridge or lip dubbing into his plants? Of any other people? His place can’t be presentable enough for her, otherwise she would have plastered the world with pictures of ‘his loft, his roof terrace, his infinity pool’. Since the vulva-dome photo we know that she captures anything that might make her look good.
    Again, why did she bother to put up this pic in a rather mundane (to her standards) environment at all? To prove that HarHar exists?

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