Goddess Woes! Ali Shanti’s Bad Hair & Jena la Flamme’s Lonely Ovulation

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The old raunch didn’t even want to clean up for a book jacket fauxto? That should please her conscious publisher, and please, no remarks about Skankatron’s hair but do feel free to comment on her beauty.

In other Ali/Alexis news, she’s salivating about attending the Envision dirtfest in Costa Rica at the end of the month. Hopefully, Scammy won’t be dragging her angry son along and forcing him to stay in a smelly old Winnebago because her hotel.com reservation has been mysteriously canceled.

Ali also keeps tagging Ryan Allis for advice on her new bidnesses and he keeps ignoring her. Quelle surprise!

From Mary Oliver’s spiritual daughter:

Congratulations on masturbating, Jena. You’ve reached another level, another transformation, and the world is thrilled! By the way, Ali’s old dildos should be arriving via UPS sometime today. Enjoy!

Upcoming stories:
A Julia Allison PowerPoint show – we had nothing to do with it
More HIVE shenanigans

Bottom Event! An hour in hell:

70 COMMENTS

  1. Never mind the hair, that shirt looks filthy and about a million years old back from her corporate bidness lady days. She looks like she’d smell like a neglected litterbox.

    • She spends so much effort on those eye pelts, yet look at the condition of that shirt with the collar folded up and threadbare. No explanation for the hair.

  2. Fozzie makes me laugh. Dude, crypto is over. It’s over. Everything is losing money, the hype is done. It’s over. But now is the time to rebrand as the CRYPTO GUY!

    • He could always get a pair of Oakleys, put them on the back of his head, and become a Guy Fietti impersonator.

      • I suspect Fozzie’s next rebranding will occur sometime this year. What’s next? A wannabe high-end La La Land hooker inspired by Richard Gere’s American Gigolo? Human trafficker working alongside Toddy Pat Neely in Thailand? Official toilet scrubber at HIVE headquarters?

    • my brother in law (a CPA – go figure) thinks there is a future in crypto.

      mind you, this is the guy who told me that apple was going down the tubes and to short their stock just before WWDC a few years back. he ended up with margin calls and losing big.

      • JFAing to say, when people say “crypto”, i immediately think ‘pigeon poop’ and Cryptococcus neoformans. (any microbiologists amongst us?)

        • I flashed on Donk as Summit at Sea hired help when reading the Breaker piece, as well as hobbit Jennifer Russell defending the douchey sort of men who attend such events.

      • A disturbing read but nothing unexpected. The cryptogrifters seem even lower on the human decency scale than the woo con artists.

        “… the cryptocurrency field is replete with scams and scammers. The technology is used as an excuse to make outlandish near-magical claims. When phrases like ‘a whole new form of money’ or ‘the old rules don’t apply any more’ start going around, people get gullible and the ethically-challenged get creative.”

        I needed a Silkwood shower after reading the contents of attendees’ SWAG bags:

        “CoinsBank, the company organizing the cruise, has left little welcome gift boxes in each of the rooms. They contain painkillers, Alka-Seltzer, several condoms, the world’s flimsiest pregnancy test, and a half-bottle of Jägermeister. It’s the kind of thing you’d leave at the bottom of the chimney for Skeezy Uncle Santa, hoping he’ll stuff a new sex doll under your tree.”

        Soooo Fozzie!

  3. Why does Skankatronia hate shampoo, and lotion, and sunscreen, and showers and….?

    Nothing says seriouz bidnez lady like “I am not washing my hair for my book’s cover photo”.

    • She must be the laughing stock among Georgetown Law alumni, especially those poor souls in her graduating class, and you know the gazillion dollar bidness lady hasn’t donated one red cent to the school.

      • To be a laughingstock people would have to care enough to want to find out what she’s up to. I’d guess that as soon as she started leaning in to the woo, everyone distanced themselves and forgot her name.

  4. “Congratulations on masturbating, Jena.”

    Hahaahaaahaaaa.

    Also, I’m so glad that Fozzie is on our radar again. Just when you thought he couldn’t be any more punchable, he rebrands as some cheesy crypto guru.

    Also also, Skankatron is looking like an old boot.

    • I do miss his old hip-hop tracks. They went from bad to so-bad-it’s-actually-good to bad to I-might-like-actually-like-this-in-an-unironic-way to bad all in a single listen.

        • Or was it spelled Majii? I remember a lot of flailing about and that EPIC video of Fozzie and Skankatron on the floor of the master bedroom. She was mouthing encomiums about the brilliance of his music – better than anything she had heard in her entire life – and they both seemed stoned out of their minds.

  5. Yes, gilly, but as the COO of a dynamic bidness, are YOU paying your employees a living wage of $25 per hour minimum?

    If not, then you better prepare for a talent exodus to colorado

    Or at least promise your staff a year end bonus paid in a TBD form of crypto

  6. The most unbelievable thing about Jena’s post is that she had no sex toys already lying around the house. You’d think Miss Pleasure Camp would have grifted a life’s supply in exchange for reviews.

    • The frantic yoni-steaming and the suddenly absent husband suggests that she has a virulent strain of vaginosis that even a vat of Lysol and a flamethrower can’t kill.

      Also, couldn’t she just take herself to the nearest adult store and stock up? I live in a hick town, and there’s 2 sex shops and a large department store with a range of “neck massagers” all within a 3-mile radius of home.

      • The self-proclaimed erotic high priestess has shilled for sex toy manufacturers, displaying their wares in at least a couple of videos. Did she forget to pack her dildos when making the move to Wooville West? Did she give them to the suckers who helped her pack? Or are her roommates at the California halfway house “borrowing” her French ticklers, monster roto-rooters, and anal beads?

        • Isn’t she the one who ended up using movers who are rated 1 star? There is a dildo table at a swapmeet somewhere, I’m thinking.

          • That’s right! She hired the cheapest moving company possible and then was surprised when things went poorly and she arrived in California dildo-free.

          • It must have been so difficult for her. After all, there is no way to check out moving companies online. All a person can do is just hire a company from ads. No one could possibly ask a friend, or google the company first.

    • I could easily see Ali’s hair falling out and her face melting away should she attempt to take a shower.

    • Her shirt is not only unironed, but the collar is wrinkled up in a “I can’t be assed to pat it down at least a little” kind of way. If I looked that unkempt and was taking a selfie with my cat to send to my kids, i’d Take a second to comb my hair and maybe change out of the tatty looking shirt because i’m not a complete idiot. If I ever need a photo for my book you can bet it will be many days of beauty treatments culminating with vigorous hair and makeup, a soft focus lens and the kindest of photoshoppers.

      • Yeah, there’s stuff you can do, and do do before important photos, while the importance is directly proportional to the amount of stuff you do. But, she did nothing, not even the collar tidy and hair smooth of a “hey we’re taking a group shot in the conference room with x client” no notice photo.

        Ali, there are these hair masks for dry lifeless hair. They come free with many beauty box subscriptions. Find one. You’ll thank me.

  7. Re: Ali. If you don’t care enough to do your hair for this book, why would anyone care enough to buy it?

    Also, the heart-hand thing? Very Taylor Swift of her.

    • Right? Expert at money, law, everything unable to arrange one professional photo doesn’t bode well. If the law teaches baby lawyers anything from day one, it’s how to take headshots and the importance of the “we mean business” advertising face. Heck, even shady, roadside billboard, personal injury lawyers get it. And it doesn’t include hippy/love gang signs. Also, what publisher doesn’t arrange the book photo? Most writers don’t get final say in the photo much less free range to take it with their iPhone and boob shirt.

      • Oh there’s no way this isn’t vanity-published.

        I notice she still has the eyelash extensions but seems to have lost her tooth rhinestone. Probably embedded in some guy’s dick.

      • This. My daughter’s school took yearbook photos last week of the various afterschool clubs. I made sure she was dressed as nicely and professionally as possible. For a group photo. And profethunal bidness lady Ali Shanti can’t even wash her hair for her book jacket photo and the website representing one of her brands?

    • They make me feel as though I’m watching an episode of The Twilight Zone, something about an alternate universe.

    • I would love to know if any of those other women even know her or WTH she is even doing there… I can well imagine she and her probably-white friend crashed whatever event this is just to get the video…

      • What to say… wow unbelievable. Truly disgusting person misappropriation in these 20 seconds is astounding. I just can’t…

        • We all know damn good and well what she did NOT do: she did not show up early, with cookies, and get the coffee going… Nor did she stay late and take down folding chairs or sweep up. But by all means, Less Magic, More Tragic, take a selfie and by extension take credit for being a “part of it all“.

          Fucking poseurs.

  8. We are 3 weeks away from the blessed birth…and 13 years post-expiration date. Will the Son of Sam place a ring on the liver-spotted hoof? I so want this to happen!!!

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