Nuckin’ Futs, The Wedding Edition: “Sacred Couple” Donkey Allison & Eben Pagan Honor Blond God & Goddess On Playa

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Our dear Rhoda pointed me towards the wack video of Dmitriy Kozlov & Mariana Grace’s epic pair-bonding ceremony at Camp Septic. All the gregdamn woos put in an appearance, every smellbot from Avocado to Skankatron.

Ali Shanti & Amber Hartnell, one of Smellsberg’s nutso exes, lure an unsuspecting Mariana Grace towards the execution scaffold.

Let the magic begin! Self-proclaimed genius Jennifer Russell is our goddess of ceremonies. After Cosmic Cowboy, a porno Mr. Clean, gives a prayer, Dmitriy starts rapping. Donk, dressed like Linda Blair in “Roller Boogie,” is on the right.

Dmitriy the Poet: “This is why we went to the burn! This is why we had all these lessons to learn! We’re rolling in the dust! Happy memories of aya!” (I’m not making this up.)

Jennifer announces, “We have gathered here six couples who are a pillar of their relationship!” I spotted Baya Voce & Tim Ferret, Ryan Allis & Danielle Blum (in a flesh-colored, porno onesie), and Eben Pagan & Donk. Wait! They’re not a couple! Which Donk announces around the 22-minute mark, before going into a whisper as she fetes the blonds: “Beauties. Ahhhhh. You are the archetype of the evolution of relationship.” Have some more plant medicine, Judy!

Donk (whispering): “Just by being, you are evolving.”

The aya flows. Jaahas and Elijah “Paris Truther” Ray serenade the couple while our burro sways in the wind. Pure magic, indeed!

I’m not making this up: my kid came home from school while this looney tune was playing on my desktop and asked, “Why are they dressed in their underwear? Are those people on drugs?”

Dmitriy would like to thank The Academy:

ADVENTURE & EXPLORATION:

Tim Ferriss and Baya Voce – Tim has been one of my biggest heroes for the past decade, my greatest freedom catalyst through his work when I was 19. I felt so honored to have you contribute to the most important day of my life yet. We cherish both of your wisdom on relationships shared in our late night chat and deeply appreciate your contribution of wisdom to our union.

EVOLUTION OF CONSCIOUSNESS:

Eben Pagan – After so many years of being deeply impacted by your teachings in business and love, I felt to giddy to hear your spoken word contribution at our wedding (and to know that I inspired you!) and for your mentorship in our marriage since.

Julia Allison – you were among the first women to inspire me to see what’s possible in a conscious, evolved woman, and we are so grateful to have your presence and contribution at our ceremony!

(Note: Annie couldn’t make it – Julia and Eben are not a couple lol!)

SACRED SEXUALITY:

Fia Forsström – you’ve been one of my biggest inspirations as an artist of light. My heart is filled with gratitude for your opening of our ceremony.

Eugene Hedlund – you helped us bring Sacred Sexuality through your tantra teachings in Thailand, and we’re so grateful to have your contribution in our Mystic Marriage.

A NEW EARTH:

Nick Sullivan and Brigitte June Huff – the great synchronicities of our love stories are beyond words. Thank you for creating the momentum Cosmic Heart which stood at the center of our ceremony, and sits at the core of our Mystic Marriage. You two are inspiring representations for us of how Evolutionary Love radiates out to create a new Earth through this Upward Spiral of Love.

ABUNDANCE:

Alex J Moscow and Jennifer Hudye – you two have inspired us both so much in how you playfully create abundance in your youth, and we are so grateful for your deep friendship as we continue to inspire each other to create epic lives!

COMMUNITY IMPACT:

Ryan Allis and Danielle Blum – as our best man and maid of honor, you always became best friends of ours on and off the playa this year. Your support, love and genuine care for us has meant the world! The way you each show up for community inspires us to contribute even more.

Jess Magic and Elijah Ray – two of my favorite voices and beings of light… we were so honored to experience your sacred transmissions of our vows, now embodied forever in our Union.

I’m so grateful to all the Playa Goddesses who supported my queen in preparing for this special moment… Ali Shanti, Maelyn Gandola, Amber Hartnell, Julia Allison, Tanya Khani, Maria Teresa Chavez, and all the other goddesses who supported my bride. Thank you to Micha Mikailian for being Mariana’s bridal charioteer!

97 COMMENTS

  1. Can one be a pillar of their relationship? That just doesn’t sound right to me.

    Julia is to evolved woman as Eben Pagan is to tree.

  2. Showervom.

    Imagine having to be a substitute MC at someone else’s Burning Man wedding, a bitter reminder of your own self-wedding.

    You couldn’t put this in a novel; the editor would never believe it.

    • RBD has two readers/occasional commenters who are successful novelists. I’ve asked both why they haven’t yet written about the woos. This material is gold, though one would have to tone down the more surrealistic aspects.

      • I considered this more while doing some baking last night, and I think the answer is simply because there’s nothing there. I’m not saying this is true of all woos everywhere, but the members of this group are, to a person, exhibitionist/narcissists who use one another — and the concepts of spirituality and relationships, all of existence, really — as a mirror. They’re black holes. They might be rich in particularities, like towel curtains or free-range hoodies or polterwangs or eye spiders, but beyond that is just a howling wind in a chasm, which is really quite boring to think about very long.

        • And then there’s the worry about how looking into the abyss, etc. I’d like to keep the abyss off my porch and away from my windows, thanks very much.

          • ionesco: funny, i was jut thinking about ‘rhinoceros’ the other day.

            abyss: “the master” went crazy looking into the untempered schism – maybe this is what’s happened to these folks.

          • Love the RHINOCEROS reference! I finally saw the film version a year or so back, a real 1970s curio with Gene Wilder as the office clerk and Karen Black as girlfriend Daisy. Heavily sanitized and lots of zoom shots.

  3. Not my first choice for the guillotine. But once they are sharpened…
    They lost me at new earth on the vows

    • I actually watched 25 minutes of that insufferable shitshow, which is a record for me. My God, can you imagine being trapped in the desert with these navel-gazing assholes?

          • Hadn’t she met the Son of Sam at this point? I guarantee he won’t be referring to our burro as a “conscious, evolved woman” the first time he catches her going through his email and FB messages.

          • I have to laugh at “conscious.” As opposed to…?

            And evolved is such a joke. Just ask Rain’s father how evolved she is, unless her evolution happened within the past six months. Everything is fine until the wheels come off and she can’t help but reveal her true self. This is why she pushes men to commit early, before they see that side of her.

            Be advised, Dodi Berkowitz. All is not what it seems on the surface.

          • The emotionally healthy Julia that she is today ALWAYS happens in the last few months, doesn’t it?

            I love how she’s so thoroughly WOWed the blonds getting hitched in the dirt. Who has the money? Mariana or Dmitriy or both? Because you know she wouldn’t have pulled the “evolved Donkey” routine if neither were sitting on a trust fund.

          • She claims they started going out and talking 3 times / day in July 2018 so, yes, they had met already.

          • But how little they’ve actually seen each other since meeting! Matchmaker Ryan Allis is on his way to Ubud. Maybe he’s bringing Son of Sam with him?

  4. What could be more fun that ONE HOUR of woos giving speeches about how wonderful their wooness is?

    Gilly, I hope you explained your kid that they are in their underwear because that is how the empowered feminine archetype likes it.

    • We are acquainted with someone close to Julia who is straddling the woo/real world fence. He indicated being reluctant to embrace this tribe because every member constantly discusses how wonderful s/he is and how wonderful are his or her friends. On and on and on. No discussion of theater, art, film, literature, well, other than if one of them has a new book coming out via Vanity Press. “It’s as though they live in a bubble and that bubble brooks no dissension or a complex thought that isn’t influenced by psychedelics.”

      • Ick. Why would any sentient being even contemplate joining that?

    • The only thing that could possibly be more fun is going the next day to the Big Playa Event (IF it fits into your playa flow) where Bride and Groom are going to talk at length about their relationship and all they have been through and all they have learned. Since they have been together a total of one year (apparently they met at burning man the previous year?) they no doubt have enormous amounts of wisdom to share. Holy self-absorption!

      • Certainly as much wisdom as Michael “Fozzie” Jacobs and Ali employed when giving a talk about parenting at Camp Septic. I will never recover from just knowing about that folly.

  5. Donkey looks way older than her own momsers in these images, so Go, Robin, I guess? And Donkey, you might want to re-examine the choices that brought you to this sad state of affairs.

    • She has always looked significantly older than she is

      • Except before the chin implant and chicklet veneers. Those aged her so much. In the early shots of her on Fox she looked really good and exactly her age. She had a softer appearance.

        • She’d already had at least one cheapo nose job and had started with the fillers by then. She was doing the ridiculous fake hair sausage curls and ludicrous fake lashes then, too

  6. I regret that my own nuptials didn’t have some guy picking his nose during the vows. Around the 47:00 mark?

  7. I feel bad for Ferret’s girlfriend. She’s clearly cowed by him. She doesn’t even finish her statement before nervously handing the mic over to him. He must be a real bully in an intimate relationship. Around the 26 mark.

    • He’s just horrid. Didn’t Ferret make Noodles Moodley enter through a separate entrance whenever they checked into a hotel? Someone refresh my memory re: the relationship between these two selfslop gurus.

  8. During this whole thing, Donkey is ever conscious of the camera on her, blinking her eyes over and over.

    • Hysterically funny! Who, lil’ ol’ me?! An RBDer made some great GIFs, which I’ll post tomorrow.

  9. Is it just me or does the bride look like she’s walking to her doom in the very beginning when being escorted by Shamti? Those smiles are plastered on and she, in particular, does not look happy.

    Also, JA at 45:15. It makes me laugh. Looks to me like she thinks ol’ Dimitry could have done better with his vows.

  10. I would love to see somebody walk up to the mc, hand them a small slip of paper, then they pause and say

    “we have a brief annoncement, will the owner of a blue honda civic license plate 853 QLE please move your vehicle, you are blocking the porta potty vacuum truck, thank you”

    • “And the brown acid that is circulating around us is not specifically too good.”

      • “Be sure to check out our one-day-only sale on orthopedic pressure socks. Shingles vaccines are available in the tent next to the Buddhist Temple of Yoni Power, and Barb, you have a call on line two.”

    • Before you go knocking rhinestones, remember that Jena LaFraud, my own personal favorite woo, once posted about being awestruck by rhinestone beauty and expressed a desire in mastering rhinestone “Technology.” (At times I’ve been tempted to change my name to Rhinestones Are Forever, but am always stopped by the mental image of Ali Shanti crying hers off.)

  11. White girls wearing feather headdresses. Can they please just … not? These losers always want to appropriate the aesthetics, but couldnt locate Standing Rock on a map if their life depended on it.

    It is soul-crushing, seeing it. Do these people not understand that they are the oppressors in this story? Woos are the very bane of indigenous peoples’ existence.

  12. Grifty and I had a chuckle over Noodles Moodley assigning blame for the California wildfires. Hey, at least she didn’t say those blazes were the fault of residents not raking their leaves!

  13. I don’t want to poke fun at someone else’s sorrow, but relationship experts Jena and Sasha have been posting fewer and fewer naked couple fauxtos and no longer have their “married to” status showing on FB. She has posted a few references to being sad, and I wonder if the Scam-Dinavian Feathered One has fulfilled his mission and flown the coop?

    • Green Card Victory! Sacha employed the same strategy la Fraud used on Smellsberg.

      Well played, DJ Deadbeat Dad. Now you’ll never have to see those kids again.

    • The writing seemed to be on the wall when he took off for a discretionary music tour of Iceland and Philadelphia, leaving Jean Grey to pack up the Harlem digs herself (and with crowdsourced friends.) I think she got her first major whiff of his irresponsibility then, because she posted a bunch of cryptic boohooing right around that time.

      • She seemed hurt, very lonely, and I’m guessing the anger came later. But I’m not feeling too sorry for la Fraud. She owns property in Harlem, clearly from the Smellsberg breakup, and was SOOOO smug when she thought she’d be walking down the aisle with Papa Chevalier, only to have him turn the tables on her and marry his grandson.

  14. honest question: do these weddings at BM have any legal binding? if so, did the people who were married there have to go through a formal divorce proceeding if they are no longer together?

    • If the officiant is a licensed minister, and they file the appropriate paperwork afterwards, then yes it is official. And by the way, anyone can become a minister by simply going to universal life church website.

      • In some states, you don’t even have to do that. You can just sign and file the paperwork, witnessed by someone, and you’re married.

      • A few years ago, some attention whore in New Jersey married her hubby without any officiant. Apparently, you don’t need one in New Jersey. They livestreamed it then uploaded on YouTube. She talked throughout the entire ceremony and he hardly spoke. It was entertaining watching her new preschooler step-daughter glare at her with seething animosity

      • And the honeymoon went on for a year or so. They wanted to stay at friends’ houses and requested said friends buy them priceless goblets from Japan. The sense of entitlement was off the fucking charts. No wonder Julia has literally knelt at Bear’s feet.

  15. Dmitriy (consciously?) removed his video. Hope he found the time to actually read about “evolved” Julia during his visit to the basement.

    Enjoy tomorrow’s GIFs, Dima Dog!

  16. Damn those are some goofy outfits. Not sure which is worse – Dmitriy‘s half shirt (maybe he found the sleeves of Rain’s hoodie?) or the white jeans and he-man headdress. Do these people have any idea how stupid they look? Grown ass adults running around in their underwear, playing anachronistic tribal on drugs. So many levels of disgusting. I’m embarrassed for them.

  17. Observation: these woos do not seem to understand that their kids need anything. Other than photos.

    Kids are complicated and complicating. You don’t have to overdo it, but you do have to do something. Babies are easy—feed them, travel around with them, but at some point their needs as humans require attention and choices. Not sending them out to the wilderness with creepy guys and knives choices.

    I defer to Moroccanwear on this. But you do have to do stuff for your kids in addition to just loving them.

    I’m not sure these dildo-tablers get that.

    • I hope Julia and what’s his name (can’t be bothered to look) never have kids. Not just because of the unfortunate chin/nose situation for those two idiots, but because I can’t see either one being very interested in or responsible at parenting.

      I could be wrong because I’m not into men, but this guy is also probably less desirable than any of the men she dated while in NY. He’s hideously ugly, has a weird personality, and lacks fuck you $. Expiration really sucked for Julia.

      • Yes, but compared to The Healing Chef, The Dud Avocado, and Phuturephiphty, he’s got mad cash and social standing.

        And like JJ, he has parents who have money.

          • Yes, but the dudes she dated in NY are mostly married to more interesting, more accomplished, more attractive women. And it wasn’t like they were itching to settle down at age 25 or whatever.

            She’s just out of step with normal people. And she wears out her welcome so quickly!

            Once the dudes she was dating got to an age where they wanted to settle down, they didn’t want it to be with her. Hence the “wife fluffer” thing she thinks is a hilarious joke but is actually tragic.

          • She was punching above her weight class when she was in NY. She was never nearly as attractive nor witty nor charming as she thought she was.

            Those guys were fine with dating and screwing her, but they were never going to get serious with her

          • is fatty kate more attractive and more witty than her? well at the very least probably not nearly as narcisstic, id hope.

          • Fatty Kate is definitely more attractive and while I don’t know her personally, what I do know is that she isn’t as grating and just plain weird as Donkey is.

            From what I do know of her, she’s a more attractive partner than Julia

      • For the look of things, he has a job, a home, and showers regularly.

        That is a HUGE step up for our burro.

  18. Hardly a natural fibre to be seen, just skintight reeking nylon and plastic boots.

    Do these woos do a lot of coke? Having no smell receptors is the only way they can possibly bear to stand around each other for hour upon hour of their dull self-congratulatory ‘ceremonies”.

    • I don’t think they do coke. Hallucinogens tend to be the woo drug of choice. Ali Shanti’s first love is psychedelics, which she’s stated on more than one occasion, and Donkey wouldn’t be the emotionally healthy Julia that she is today without “plant medicine.”

  19. You got married in your underwear. Your family must be so proud. Who needs the trappings of formal wear, personal hygiene or bathing on one of the most memorable days of your life? Not when you’ll do it again in a couple years with a new woo stand in. Hard pants and wearing a shirt is for suckers. Fck me. These people are insane.

    • dude the way she was talking was so creepy, it’s like she was trying her hardest to suppress her natural bubbly flippant self and be some serious, sexy, holy burner babe. so fucking corny.

    • As Kay noted, she’s Julie Try Too Hard here. Tho wannabe theriouth and profound! And yes, nutty as a fruitcake.

  20. I find this website so gd entertaining because I live in sf and all of these people have facebook friends in common with me, it’s like a parody of my city and extended social circle. Who knew a simple google search ‘whatever happened to julia allison’ would lead me to this lol.

    • The woos often seem like parodies of my own parents, who indeed were hippies but without the calculated poses and attempts to monetize total bullshit, e.g., pleasurable dieting, HIVE, vocal lessons over the phone, the money map. etc.

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