Updated, Now With “Sassy” Jackass Writing In The 3rd Person : Jacy Is Finally Going To Get That Wedding

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2803

juliaallisonI love him.
kate_ridesThis is everything ☝️💕✨✨ #love
aylanereoI love your love!!
oliviamhowellSo sweet 💕
sevenate99💚💜💙❤️😀
lacocinita😍 Did he buy you that tree?!
cmc2412Gorgeous couple 😊
juliaallison@lacocinita LOLLLL
farhadiniYay @juliaallison
lacocinita@juliaallison the perfect hippie gift 🎁 😂

A tipster writes:

LOL I know [Alex] Marson and this is a match made in heaven. While an extremely talented scientist, he’s exactly like Donk personality wise. Totally vain, totally pretends to be something he’s not (NOT a trustfund kid, although loves if people thinks he is). I’m sure he even thinks he is Mr. Big. I bet they get married at NY Library within a year.

One thing to note, these are very flattering photos of our scientist. Not that it matters, but he’s quite overweight.

Upcoming posts – “They’re in the queue!”

A pimpin’ pizza extravaganza
Bali Petco horror
The Donk orbit of a very reasonable man

Update: A lot of intel is coming in about Marson, including how he hooked up with A Donkey. I was going to wait until tomorrow to share some of this info in a new post; however, a new commenter beat me to it. Marson IS NOT Reasonable Man.

A true fairytale October 28, 2018 at 4:15 pm:

Not set up by Ryan Allis. This guy has been chasing her for years and totally knows what he is getting. This is her post, after long distance dating for a few months:

Once upon a time, back in September 2007, a 26-year-old newspaper columnist found her way to a GOOD magazine party in New York City, where she was living at the time. According to a reliable source, she spent the evening bantering with a witty, hilarious 28-year-old PhD student.

As the legend goes, the sassy young journalist asked him a series of questions about sex, dating and one night stands, supposedly under the guise of writing about it for her weekly Time Out New York column. No such column appeared in print, and to this day, she’s unclear on whether that was a move (entirely possible) or if she just didn’t get the quotes she needed. The young man, suitably intrigued, asked her out, but she declined, citing a conflict of interest due to “dating someone else” (true). It wasn’t meant to be.

In any case, the young woman walked off into the night, having neither exchanged numbers with the young man nor transferred ANY portion of the evening from short to long term memory.

In fact, the entire fateful interaction would have been lost to history entirely except … it only takes one person to remember.

And the young man in question did.

He held onto the memory of that night for years – 9, to be exact – until July of 2016, when he messaged her on Facebook. He had moved to San Francisco. Did she want to grab drinks?

No response. She didn’t see the message.

Undeterred, in October of 2017, he messaged her again, this time with a now legendary line: “Thought I’d reach out again. I suspect we’d have a lot to talk about. Want to meet?”

Again, she didn’t see the message. And besides, she was in Bali, being celibate. Not the best timing.

But the winds of fate finally shifted, and in July of 2018, against all statistical odds, she ran across the messages, and politely replied. She had just gotten back into the country and, sure, she’d like to meet up. Although she had absolutely no idea who he was (“Remind me how I know you again?” she typed, perplexed.)

As it turned out, he had suspected correctly … they had A LOT to talk about.

So it unfolded, spectacularly – and yes, inexplicably. He started calling three times a day, inexplicably. She found herself excited to pick up every time, inexplicably.

Nearly eleven years after they met, they went on their first date, which he kept calling their “second.” Charming, that one. 😉 The three months of courtship since their first/second date have been nothing less than total magic, both inexplicably, and very explicably.

“I met the person I want to keep talking to,” he said once to her, and she wrote it down in a notes file dedicated solely to his quotes. He’s eminently quotable.

Friends, allow me to introduce the young man in question, my beloved, Alex Marson.

He is, in a sentence: wondrously unique, incredibly kind, completely brilliant, undeniably special, and I am totally, utterly in love.

Also: persistence works!

Oh, Donk, you’re such a prize! Who wouldn’t wait years just to get a date with your sassy self?

A three-month whirlwind romance? We hear kids are definitely on the menu, though they’ve seen each other much less than three months. She was at Burning Man for two weeks after they met, then she jetted to Bali in late September. This is totally wack-a-loon, even for our aging, desperate burro.

137 COMMENTS

  1. I heart T cells, too.

    Vain and pretends to be a trust fund kid, why? Why would anyone want to be a trust fund kid except for the money part? This is what I’ve never understood about Donquée.

    Speaking of trust funds, if they are going to have kids, they should start saving now for possible rhinoplasties. Between his nose and Julia’s Original Recipe, it could be a situation.

    He seems to have a normal-chunky dad bod/lab bod in other pics and videos out there, so perhaps he’s dropped weight since our tipster last saw him. If he and Judy are both at their lowest weights right now, that has the potential to be amusing in future.

  2. can I feel less bad about hoping they get married now that we know he’s sorta awful too lol. (I probably shouldn’t actively hope they divorce, but…that just seems inevitable for this type.)

    mostly I hope that whatever happens it happens in a way in which I can watch it happen without being a stalker

    • Absolutely. I wonder what/who else is going to surface re: Marson. If he’s as much of a tool as our tipster claims, if he’s really academe’s equivalent to our burro, he and Donk will rip each other to shreds.

      • See, I think it may work out well for them – sometimes these personality types feed into each other and balance out.

        Each person will secretly think they’re the better one and that their partner certainly got a catch. Julia will ‘know’ she’s hotter, more connected, has better friends, style, and is just generally the more glamorous, interesting, attractive half. He will ‘know’ he’s smarter, richer, has a better and more interesting career, has better connections, and is just generally the more financially secure, intelligent half that contributes to society.

        She’ll look down on him for being less ‘woke’ and spiritual, he’ll look down on her for being less educated. Each will think they’re indulging the other’s deficiencies.

        I don’t think it would work with two woos, or two scientists, but the woo/science narcissism combo has such strange overlap they may end up yin/yanging and just feeding each other’s attention cravings.

  3. He is still > A Donkey because he worked hard and seriously at his education and has a great career making a difference for humanity. If he is a fellow tool famewhore, then he has a pretty small online footprint for one. A friendship with Allis, though, does make one wonder.

    • Yep, jury’s still out, but if he does marry Donk, their allegedly similar temperaments will combust, having a negative impact on Marson’s research.

  4. I see a scenario where she saw these “flattering” photos and that helped her get over any reservations.
    Good optics via successful photo shoot? Success! All systems go!

  5. Well, it’s nice that they found each other and that they are so similar. I hope it works out for them. I guess there really is a lid for every pot.

  6. Meh, it’s the honeymoon period of a long distance relationship, and she hasn’t changed. I’m not convinced this will last any longer than the other loverships to end all loverships.

    Donkey is in love with love and not with any person. She thinks she is in love as long as the other person meets all her psychological demands, and we know she’s a sucking black hole of need. We also know she gets sexually bored by nice guys she doesn’t think are hot enough for her, so good luck with that. Wait until she’s pressuring him for that four bedroom house and vacations from vacationitis every two or three months. Unless he gets money from his folks, which is unlikely, he is a biological researcher, and they don’t make big bucks. Both can count on money down the road from inheritances, but that could be a long time from now.

    • Plus she is literally the worst. He may be too busy with his research to worry about his girlfriend, but she has sent man after man running for the hills. Why should he stick around?

      It would make me laugh if the reasonable man who she clearly thought she was too good for also dumped her. Fingers crossed.

    • Who knows someone for three months (?) and declares their love on social media? Oh insecure people; and, I agree Grifty she loves the image of love without any of the substance necessary to maintain it.
      Rinse and repeat. The only bonus for this guy is that he likely has high security at his workplace & double bonus no dancing.

      • We all know Donkey’s online declaration of love is how she stakes a claim, and we all know exactly what all goes with that. No matter how badly she acts or how badly she treats him, or how much he realizes her lies about changing were just lip service, he will not be allowed to change his mind. She knows this is her last shot at having the big flashy wedding she has always wanted.

        • It will be a big, flashy wedding, and the Baughers will pay for it.

          After that, he’s on his own for the house and vacations.

          Which is why the Baughers will pay for a big wedding.

          • They will pay for a big wedding because Pettifogger will want to suck up to and impress Marson’s high-status parents. If she had married ILYRain I suspect she would have been on her own.

      • Also someone who has a burning need to stick it to the bald DJ who dumped her, is who declares their great new love so dramatically. Take that, Rain.

        • He’s already liked the Donk & Hammaconda instagram post. Anything to keep her from texting our bald DJ up to 30 times a day!

  7. Sorry to hear he’s overweight (hey, nobody’s perfect). Because it means Donks can’t turn him upside down and shake out the cash and coins and wallet to see what he’s worth. With her lumpen hooves, that would be tricky. Boo hoo.

  8. Really?

    Does the cat hive think that Dr Hammaconda is waling down the aisle?

    With the DONKEY??????

    No way, by now he is starting to see the cracks in the woo armor and will run for the hills as soon as the unhinged Republican housewife wildebeest within presents herself in all her awful glory.

    On the other hand, him and Petey seems to share a penchant for Walmart shoes and Men’s Wearhouse jackets, so maybe they are true soulmates who will live happily forever after.

    • I duuno, based on his desktop wallpaper that can be seen in the previous post’s video. Looks like a technics turntable or somesuch audiophile fave. Makes me wonder if he is an aspiring DJ or thinks it’s cool she like knows BM deejs.

    • On Julia’s FV cover fauxto with Marson, Wootastic Jenna Lee Prince commented on how she couldn’t wait to meet him. Marson responded, going on and on about how Donk is the most epically amazing woman he’s ever known. The comments have now disappeared.

      • 1) I thought that people (Americans) stopped using the word “epic” and its non-Odyssey related variations around 2008;

        2) I’m happy to see that the long-neglected adverb-adjective combo has returned; it seems somehow tied to the non-woo, pearls-and-rubber-gloves, pink-poufy-wedding persona, doesn’t it;

        3) new site seems to be running great. Again, many thanks for all your work, Gilly and Grifty and everyone involved.

          • well, not “regressed” in terms of quality; “regressed” in terms of persona.

  9. Our scientist once tried to get on a tv dating show that was being filmed in Boston while he was in grad school. The premise was “Beauty and the Geek.” Oh I bet these two do have so much to talk about! Nothing like turning to television in the search of fame, I mean love. I have such high hopes for a Vday proposal!!! Only green juice until then for our scientist!

  10. Not set up by Ryan Allis. This guy has been chasing her for years and totally knows what he is getting. This is her post, after long distance dating for a few months:

    Once upon a time, back in September 2007, a 26-year-old newspaper columnist found her way to a GOOD magazine party in New York City, where she was living at the time. According to a reliable source, she spent the evening bantering with a witty, hilarious 28-year-old PhD student.

    As the legend goes, the sassy young journalist asked him a series of questions about sex, dating and one night stands, supposedly under the guise of writing about it for her weekly Time Out New York column. No such column appeared in print, and to this day, she’s unclear on whether that was a move (entirely possible) or if she just didn’t get the quotes she needed. The young man, suitably intrigued, asked her out, but she declined, citing a conflict of interest due to “dating someone else” (true). It wasn’t meant to be.

    In any case, the young woman walked off into the night, having neither exchanged numbers with the young man nor transferred ANY portion of the evening from short to long term memory.

    In fact, the entire fateful interaction would have been lost to history entirely except … it only takes one person to remember.

    And the young man in question did.

    He held onto the memory of that night for years – 9, to be exact – until July of 2016, when he messaged her on Facebook. He had moved to San Francisco. Did she want to grab drinks?

    No response. She didn’t see the message.

    Undeterred, in October of 2017, he messaged her again, this time with a now legendary line: “Thought I’d reach out again. I suspect we’d have a lot to talk about. Want to meet?”

    Again, she didn’t see the message. And besides, she was in Bali, being celibate. Not the best timing.

    But the winds of fate finally shifted, and in July of 2018, against all statistical odds, she ran across the messages, and politely replied. She had just gotten back into the country and, sure, she’d like to meet up. Although she had absolutely no idea who he was (“Remind me how I know you again?” she typed, perplexed.)

    As it turned out, he had suspected correctly … they had A LOT to talk about.

    So it unfolded, spectacularly – and yes, inexplicably. He started calling three times a day, inexplicably. She found herself excited to pick up every time, inexplicably.

    Nearly eleven years after they met, they went on their first date, which he kept calling their “second.” Charming, that one. 😉 The three months of courtship since their first/second date have been nothing less than total magic, both inexplicably, and very explicably.

    “I met the person I want to keep talking to,” he said once to her, and she wrote it down in a notes file dedicated solely to his quotes. He’s eminently quotable.

    Friends, allow me to introduce the young man in question, my beloved, Alex Marson.

    He is, in a sentence: wondrously unique, incredibly kind, completely brilliant, undeniably special, and I am totally, utterly in love.

    Also: persistence works!

    • Lol she didn’t see the message. Yeah right. Of course, she was overcome with dirtfest DJ penis fever at the time, very understandable.

      • This. He was explicably too schlubby until she’d reached rock bottom and inexplicably realized he was her last chance.

    • So they have been sort-of-together for 3 months.

      I hate to be the voice of reason, but that means absolutely nothing.

      Of course he is all those things and more in the Donkey’s eyes.

      Lather, rinse, never learn.

    • Thank you for this. If I am ever in need of an emetic, I will pull this out and read it until I showervom.

      Honestly, if this was distributed to Poison Control Centers around the world, Judy would be actually making a contribution to the world for once in her Donkey life.

    • Oh, Donkey, shut your gaping maw — he only called it a second date because he knew you were desperate to give a blowjob if it meant boyfriend potential for the holibrays.

    • She’s such an asshole, and so weird about how she views relationships. “I didn’t even remember him! But he remembered me! He phoned me 3 times a day! And here are some direct quotations from his private emails to me!”

      What’s so “inexplicable” about two regular mortals meeting, liking each other, and wanting to see more of each other? Millions of people do it every day. She’s always trying to spin the events of her very basic life into some fantastical, “epic” fairytale.

      • Exactly. It’s not just her as an asshole who has clearly not changed at all since I discovered her shitshow in 2010, it’s also her shitty storytelling abilities. And, of course, also her pathological need to talk about how desirable she is (which is totally what all very desirable women do). I didn’t even remember him but he spent the past 19 years thinking of no one but me! Imaginary neighbor finds my body so hot! Yack asked me very sweetly to come home from the city of Sweden!

        • Instead of spinning this epic tale as a Jennifer Garner rom-com, Donk should be worried if he himself is a stalker. Marson keeps asking out this hosebeast for 10+ years and when she finally goes slumming with Prof. Butterface, he calls three times a day?

          Also, Marson asked her out at the height of Donk’s Gawker cuntitude and then pursued her after Mess Despised and all the woo druggery? If this is the sort of woman he wants to bear his children, then I know all I need to know about Hammaconda.

          • Knowing Ol’ Donx, we know that at least part of that is MANUFACTURE BULLSHIP (TM Russian Girl).

          • He may have a script that sends “Hi, whassup?” messages to all the women in his Facebook feed, for all we know.

            Nobody knows how many other women he messaged during those years.

            In the Donkey’s twisted mind, she is the only one and he was obsessed with her, but the truth is probably a million miles away from that.

        • 2010? ‘Tis a pity you missed the 3 or so years before, when she a truly epic asshole. Those who watched the buildup have been epically gratified by her well-deserved comedown

    • I mean, seriously. “Wondrously unique.” As opposed to the boringly unique ones.

  11. So even if he’s not “reasonable man” it is still plausible he was the one she freaked out on in August. Yes?

  12. Something stinks in Donkmark. Besides dirt festival ditchpig Julia Allison.
    This sounds way too much like some SATC/rom-com happy ending that basics like Donkey devour, memorize, and desperately try to emulate.

    • Her favorite films have always been craptastic rom-coms, so of course Donk would cast herself as a sassy Reese Witherspoon to Marson’s Paul Rudd. This might just be the most vomit-inducing shit she’s yet written. If Marson truly finds her “epic,” these assholes deserve each other.

      • I wonder how much of that inane fantasy is actually true.

        Btw, I’m downloaded the Opera browser and am using it just for RBD — it works great!

  13. People who are addicted to social media do not simply “miss” a message that was sent to them, let alone on two different occassions that just happen to be the same person trying to reach them

    I call bs, when somebody does not respond to a yoo who from an admirer, it us because they were not intetested at the time

  14. Why would she specifically thank Ryan Allis for facilitating this if this is how it ‘unfolded’? I smell some spin here.

    • She’ll pitch a pilot about this new-found homance of theirs, I bet.

      Who gets credit for sending in the new Debbois, dearly-departed @LillyDog?

  15. Honest question for you divine feminine creatures out there:

    If a guy who sorta knows you and is interested in you hits you up on social media and says lets go out for drinks or coffee or whatever, do you view that as a half ass, back door way of asking you out on a date, without actually asking you out on a date?

    • For me, it depends on context. If there’s been any real flirtation, I assume it’s a sorta pre-first date. If it’s just been palling around with no undertones, I assume it’s just a couple of pals getting together.

    • Although not a user of Facebook or other social media, I would think that if someone didn’t have your phone number or email, and had not seen you in a number of years, this would constitute asking someone out for a date. At least in my day, asking someone out for “drinks” is asking for a date. Of course, this is assuming that Judy’s story is true.

      It’s totaly SATC, that is for sure.

  16. That whole “sassy” story sounds like total BS. How does a “Social Media Expert” not see messages? Why does she always mention being “celibate in Bali”? That was for Rain, right? And say this relationship is for real. I don’t see how she could end up with anyone other than a balding DJ because any “reasonable man” will google her, see the self wedding in particular, and be like “hell no!”. And if they don’t, their close friends and family definitely will and will not approve. I mean she will forever be known as “Oh that’s Alex’s wife (in a whisper voice) before she met him she actually held a wedding to herself (huge eye roll and then laugh – at JA)”. Also I thought she was in Bali now trying to get friends to rent a room? Wasn’t the post about that in September? Did she move back?
    None of it makes sense. Of course, none of her makes sense…

    • The whole time ‘celibate’ in Bali she was stalking Precipitation Man, his family and his new girlfriend.

      Stalking is an ugly word. For an ugly personality.

      • I also think that she honestly believes herself to be so desirable that “celibate in Bali” makes her more relatable, as in, “If someone as gorgeous and famous as Julia Allison is celebate in Bali and is okay with it, then maybe I am okay too.”.

        How soon can they pitch their reality show about an absent minded professor and a sassy journalist? Do you need sextuplets to be on TLC now? Maybe they could adopt a little person or one of Rain’s other castoffs could be her sister wife.

        • The suspect story is so fucking smug and written as though she were 15 years old. I do wonder if Marson sees her Bravo bomb as some sort of stardom that he failed to achieve and maybe he can finally get that reality series. Donkey and The Professor.

          • I think he just wants to bang her. She’s a geek’s idea of a hot chick, we know this from Allis drooling all over her.

          • JFAing to say, all she did is prick tease him at that GOOD magazine (lol) party with detailed questions about his sex life. So of course he figured she was DTF. Given that one superficial encounter where they only discussed sex, who on earth would keep pursuing her? Someone who is interested in banging her, not marrying her or discussing the intricacies of CRISPR.

    • You’re right, of course, but I love that “Celibate in Bali” is a thing in her idiot mind. She could use / should have used it on her business cards. “Donkey Bogger, Celibate in Bali.”

      Hey, it sure beats “Facebook Profile Picture Consultant.”

  17. I am very concerned that given her age and their desire to bring babies into this world, we will not got the “epic” wedding they/we deserve. Better start planning JA, expiration clock is tick tocking.

  18. The TL;DR of the Fairytale Story:

    “Every other man has rejected me so I finally started dating the creep who slid into my DMs after stalking me for years.”

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