Jess Johnson Is India.Arie & Julia Allison Is Ann Miller In David Lynch’s “Wild Vessel”

Some sunscreen and chapstick STAT! What would Dr. Bobby say?

Holy Mother of God:

A bawling Caterwauler “tuned into” a talented African-American songwriter-musician who has sold over 10 million records? Or did she mean “turned into” that songwriter-musician for five seconds? Either way, forget about sucking up to your alleged soulmate, Jaahass. I’m sure Ms. Arie knows a desperate poseur when she sees one.

My, my. Jaahass certainly enjoys appropriating Ms. Arie’s attire. Does The Caterwauler drag her blender everywhere, even into the desert? winky emoticon

Don’t forget! Just a few days until David Lynch’s “Wild Vessel” stinks up DTLA:

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118 Responses to Jess Johnson Is India.Arie & Julia Allison Is Ann Miller In David Lynch’s “Wild Vessel”

  1. Frequent Liar Miles says:

    Nice Golden Girls rayon caftan, Donkey. At least it covers up your Wide Vessel.

    • Gilly Blake, CEO, Donkey Disparagement Industry Gilly Blake, Unicorn-Studded Rainbow says:

      I was thinking more along the lines of Allan Carr.

      caftan

    • Raspberry Bray says:

      Uh oh – are caftans out? I had planned on channeling my inner Mrs. Roper for an upcoming vacation to exude and experience ultimate glamour and comfort, but now I’m not so sure

      • Raspberry Bray says:

        Forgot to note that my vacation is a vacation from my vacation, of course

        • Stalker is a refular at RBD says:

          I think they are eternally on trend but you should take a series of photographs — a photoshoot if you will — of yourself in them under varying lighting and meteorological conditions. Perhaps in a wind tunnel. Be sure to wind some rags around your head. Close your eyes. Inhale. Hug your djembe close to your heart. BOOM: you’re India.Arie!

      • Morrocanwear with caftans says:

        Umm, if you were paying attention to the gold standard for mind stimulating documentary television programming (Southern Charm on Bravo) you would know that not only are caftans “in”, but caftans featuring your preferred dog breed are de riguer among the ladies who lunch.

  2. It's Always Shinny in Calfadelphia says:

    TWO WORDS: bottom picture

  3. Albie Quirky Sending Hugs says:

    “Two? TWO Mrs. Ropers?”

    JACK does a double-take. Closeup CAMERA 2. Meanwhile, MR. ROPER, still seated at the kitchen table, swigs from the whiskey bottle.

    • Meh or Feh says:

      Reminds me of the punchline to a joke I heard: “I live in an apartment with two female roomates. It’s just like ‘Three’s Company,’ only with two Mrs. Ropers.”

    • Gilly Blake, CEO, Donkey Disparagement Industry Gilly Blake, Unicorn-Studded Rainbow says:

      LARRY walks in and jumps when the second Mrs. Roper offers him a cup of ayahuasca and cheap sex.

      Larry (holding his head)

      Mamma Mia! That’s the last time I get
      blackout drunk at The Legal Beagle. I’m
      seeing Margaret Hamilton times two!

      roper

      • Wolf, Hemmningway & Khaat Whores says:

        Among the Donkey’s many sins, one of the worst must be stealing my Grandma’s shower curtain.

        Shame you, despicable Donkey, shame on you.

  4. Stalker just turned into Kamala Harris for 37.5 seconds says:

    So The Daily Mail (I know) had an article the other day about “SEX ISLAND” and it made me think of Our Outcall Girl Julia.

  5. Stalker just turned into Kamala Harris for 37.5 seconds says:

    It pisses me off that Jaaassss can’t even spell the damn name right. Have a little respect you lazy fucking do-nothing waste of space.

    • Gilly Blake, CEO, Donkey Disparagement Industry Gilly Blake, Unicorn-Studded Rainbow says:

      That enraged me! “I have to meet her in the hopes that her greatness rubs off on me. Anybody got connections? What was her name again?”

  6. Deadbeat dad's bigass head says:

    Yeah, I’m sure that the Grammy winner (and writer of “Brown Skin”) would really be amenable to spending time with this sad artifact of cultural appropriation. Does she even realize how offensive her whole getup is?

  7. Winchester House of Fauxtoshoots, Microphones & Ghosted Book Deals says:

    Wow someone’s getting some bad on-the-road botox in that first picture.

  8. Sacred Scrapbooks says:

    How adorable, two parasites imitating begging children.

  9. Tingolayo's White Suburban Soul says:

    Top picture reminds me of the fauxto at some event that Donkey crashed (DC Correspondents dinner?) where she’s looking straight at the camera from within the crowd.

    Also: Jaaaahhaaasss’ face has always been exceedingly punchable to me. Now I’m finding that her knees and feet are also punchable. WTF? How can that be?

  10. Albie Quirky Sending Hugs says:

    Bottom picture has been making me laugh all day. Cross between Gladys Kravitz on Bewitched and The Chicken Lady from The Kids in the Hall. Embarrassing dot Johnson.

  11. BeepBeepBoopBeepBeep. I Am A Robot. says:

    Schmattas!

  12. Donkey's Calcified Pineal Gland says:

    I love how Jahhhsss plays a trendy instrument for five minutes and instantly uses it as a pretentious prop. And then makes some excuse for her horrible playing and singing by saying that musical expression should not be about how good you are at it. Sit down and shut the fuck up.

    • Morrocanwear is in your life as a friend says:

      I love it when people who really don’t have a lovely voice come and sing Christmas carols loud and proud on my doorstep. In that case, musical expression has nothing to do with talent or ability. When you are asking people to pay you to teach them how to sing or whatever then, yes, it is about how good you are at it. Sit down and shut up indeed!

  13. Brother Love says:

    Can anyone here put me in touch with Bruce Springsteen? I really think he’d like me if he got to know me.

  14. ethel-egg says:

    Totally off topic. But! I said to my sister who lives in Australia; your husband could vote no on same sex marriage. But she said he voted Yes!

    Fan-fucking-tastic.

    • Stalker just turned into Kamala Harris for 37.5 seconds says:

      So much congratulations!!! 🙂 I’m so happy for Australia!

  15. Hroswitha says:

    Okay, so this is totally unrelated to any of the above (except, I guess, the general theme of Julia’s pathetic posturing for attention). But I had occasion to spend some time with some of my Chicago friends and relations this past weekend, and managed to acquire a new story for you lovely people.

    This particular tale dates back to Julia’s final year in college, when she was home for the winter holidays. While she was there, the Baugher family was visited by some of their relations – not close relations, but sharing enough bloodlines to feel a sense of familial obligation. This particular branch of the clan had a son of about the same age as Julia.

    They were greeted by the Baughers, all clad in the traditional Christmas garb that has been so often displayed here. In the course of catching-up chit-chat, it was revealed that this young man would be attending a very prestigious medical school after his graduation. After hearing this, Julia excused herself and ran upstairs. About 15 minutes later she returned, having shed her Christmas sweater and plaid skirt for a negligee and silk robe.

    Clearly this change of wardrobe was in honor of the future med student, who was, it bears repeating, a relative of hers, albeit a distant one. But more importantly, this young man was surrounded by his mother, uncles, and cousins – and it was the middle of the day. The Baughers seemed unfazed by this, but the visiting family shared a few glances and then politely feigned a pressing appointment elsewhere.

    This story was told to me with delighted horror by a large group of people. The matriarch of the group delivered her verdict, the most scathing one she ever employs: ‘So déclassé’.

    And there you are. Happy holidays, hams!

    • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

      Bonus Points if negligee belonged to Mom$er or Nutty Granny Money Bag$ — Donkey *IS* that gross.

      • Gilly Blake, CEO, Donkey Disparagement Industry Gilly Blake, Unicorn-Studded Rainbow says:

        Double Bonus Points if Dadsers picked up the negligee at Victoria’s Secret when he was bringing Donk’s VS order to her dorm.

    • Aggressively Stupid says:

      I wonder where she got the lingerie she changed into. Did she used to carry something silky around in her purse at all times just in case she needed to throw herself at some guy on a moments notice or did she try to seduce her cousin by wearing a negligee filched from his mother’s wardrobe? Either way it just proves that A Donkey has been far thirstier for far longer than any of us even guessed.

      • Hroswitha says:

        This incident occurred at the Baughers’ house in Chicago, so I assume she had a fairly sizeable wardrobe still available to her there.

      • Hroswitha says:

        Sorry if I wasn’t clear – reading it again I see how it could sound like the Baughers were the ones paying the call. To clarify: this other group of distant relations were visiting the Lakeside Assisted Living Facility, where presumably Julia had spare lingerie on hand.

        • Morrocanwear in a Yandy Caftan says:

          Either way, she probably does carry “sexy” underthings in her purse at all times, just in case.

    • Stalker just turned into Kamala Harris for 37.5 seconds says:

      HAHAHA OH MY FUCKING GOD HOLY SHIT. That may be the cringiest thing I’ve ever heard. Oh my stars.

      • Hroswitha says:

        I know that particular young man quite well and when I asked him about the story he literally shuddered and would only say ‘I don’t even want to know what the fuck she was thinking’ before insisting we change the subject.

    • Frequent Liar Miles says:

      The medstitute strikes again!

    • Gilly Blake, CEO, Donkey Disparagement Industry Gilly Blake, Unicorn-Studded Rainbow says:

      Hroswitha – Georgetown alum would get a big chuckle out of this tawdry tale. During Donkey’s senior year, when she was engaged to marry some schlub in the law school, she got a part-time job in the med school library so that she could cruise prospective suitors. Donk, in that unmistakably LOUD voice and when she was supposed to be working, would talk on the phone to her friends. She’d bray on and on about various marks and their parents’ net worth. The word quickly spread throughout the campus that Donk was up to her old tricks. Undergrads would follow her to the med library, pretending they were med students just so they could listen to those appalling phone calls. Of course, I personally NEVER listened in. winky emoticon

      • Malformed Face says:

        This is sexually delicious.

      • Hroswitha says:

        Oh, that makes a lot of sense in a particularly gross way! So is the thinking that she would have these conversations hoping that some med student would overhear and then say ‘I’ve got to get me some of that?’. Med students were the early versions of her later tech founder obsession?

        • Gilly Blake, CEO, Donkey Disparagement Industry Gilly Blake, Unicorn-Studded Rainbow says:

          I can’t imagine what was going through her head. Except for a small coterie of idiot friends, EVERYONE at Georgetown loathed Donkey, though she provided a constant source of amusement. If undergrads, faculty, and staff knew about her med school shenanigans, the med students knew too. THIS IS NOT SUCCESS!

          Years later when I read about her founder fever, I indeed flashed back to those med students and that poor law school sucker she never planned on marrying; she simply wanted to be engaged to something.

    • Malformed Face says:

      Christmas in November!

    • Hroswitha says:

      I have been thinking about this since posting it, and it’s all gross, all of it. But I guess the worst part to me is that her family had absolutely no reaction to this kind of behavior except for pretending it wasn’t happening. If you guys ever question how Julia got to the place she is now, just think about that.

      • Winchester House of Fauxtoshoots, Microphones & Ghosted Book Deals says:

        That’s why I have so little sympathy for her parents. Their silence is her encouragement. Thanks for keeping the basement entertained.

        • Stalker just turned into Kamala Harris for 37.5 seconds says:

          Yeah she’s clearly a product of, not a rebellion against.

          Brit seems really awesome though. WAY TO GO BRIT*

          *I don’t stalk him, cyber or otherwise and only know what is posted here.

          • Hroswitha says:

            I have always been Team Britt; he’s a kind, intelligent, funny man who is a great friend, husband, and father. He deserves a lot better than the sister-hand he’s been dealt, but he’s having the best revenge – which is basically a happy life with very little Julia in it.

          • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

            sister-hoof
            #FTFY

          • Frequent Liar Miles says:

            Yeah, I guess he’s got a PhD and all and has a lovely family and an excellent job, BUT he’s only lived in 3 different cities in his entire life (as pointed it by A Donkey, who thinks that being run out of 10 cities on a rail like she has somehow constitutes THUCKTETH.)

    • Tingolayo says:

      I’m sure that:

      1. The OMG sexy robe in question was polyester and made in China.
      2. She begged the poor guy to pick her up.
      3. Poor guy subsequently received matching, monogrammed Baugher jammies as a gift.

      • Stalker just turned into Kamala Harris for 37.5 seconds says:

        1a. The robe and the thing underneath were almost but not quite matching shades of white, I bet.

    • Albie Quirky Sending Hugs says:

      It’s beginning to feel a lot like Craymas! Thank you, dear. That’s juicy.

      • Tingolayo says:

        In the OMG Area of the san francisco bAY of Marin, those Pajama Gram ads are airing on the radio… that always signals Craymas to me.

        • Grifty Shades of Bray says:

          I heard one on the radio the other day and thought of Craymas. I wonder what vacation from vacationitis destination she will pick this year? Depends on where she can con the wallet into sending her, I suppose. “Oh Ryan, I think an intentional community would be fantastic in Rio De Janeiro!”

  16. Tingolayo says:

    Can we talk about Jaaahaaass’ thalidomide arm?

  17. Gilly Blake, CEO, Donkey Disparagement Industry Gilly Blake, Unicorn-Studded Rainbow says:

    Nisha Moodley is in Los Angeles doing fauxtoshoots with some of the asshats involved in Wild Vessel, so she’ll presumably be skanking it up with Donkey, Myka, Ariel, and Jaahass on Saturday.

    • Because, for fucks sake. says:

      What the fuck are those outfits??

    • Morrocanwear in a Yandy Caftan says:

      They are laughing so hard and having such fun! It must be an ad for feminine hygiene products.

      • Tingolayo says:

        Excuse you, they are WILD! They are fierce, fabulous, and free!!! They sat with their feelings and held space for the sacred feminine, and received a divine message from Source that gave them permission to split one small chocolate truffle for dessert. It was so liberating and transformational that they cried tears of joy and gratitude.

        Actually, the one in white looks like she’s about to rip someone’s face off with her teeth, a la Hannibal Lecter.

    • Hroswitha says:

      Well, at least they’re maintaining the yoni theme at home with all that fabulous vulva art on the mantlepiece! Do I spy a framed ‘female genitalia’ page from an anatomical textbook? How creative!

      • Mrs. Gilly Blake says:

        Excuse you! I am an avid collector of male and female genitalia art and own seven vulva masterpieces. I believe Ali Shanti opened wide for at least two of those tempera works.

        • Hroswitha says:

          I’m not judging the *presence* of genitalia-themed art – just the plebeian nature of these particular items.

          I mean, the world’s your oyster, really, when it comes to such things. I would hardly call myself a connoisseur, but my own humble walls boast reproductions from a 19th century German text that focuses on early medieval depictions of what the author calls ‘Der Phallusmann’ and ‘Die Vulvafrau’. Housewarming gifts from a dear friend, of course.

          My point is: genitalia, shmenitalia. Who *hasn’t* seen a silicon vulva? Be less basic, bitches! (Not you, Gilly; I’m sure your collection of erotica is a joy to behold.)

    • Donkey's Calcified Pineal Gland says:

      Is that Donkey’s Elvira dress on Noodley?

  18. Malformed Face says:

    I thought the title was Wild Weasels which would also be accurate.

    • Mrs. Gilly Blake says:

      I feel a conscious connection to this title and will thus appropriate it from here on out. Jena la Fraud has taught me well.

  19. Random Snowflake™ says:

    I just wonder how these people were raised since they all seem to be diametrically apposed to getting a job and paying their own way through life.. I mean, Ali/Alexis is totally bat-shit, but even she invests some of her time working/scamming to get money.

    The rest of these idiots seem to be living off their parents, like Julie. So sad at an age so close to 40. Damn.

    • Aggressively Stupid says:

      Actually I would say that Donkey and Magicless are the exception here. While most of her woo brothers and sisters, even morons like Noodles, are hustlin’ on some scam or another every day damn day, those two seem determined to take the lazy river raft through life mooching off whichever woo will have them. They’ll do a performance or speak at a conference here or there, but as soon as anyone expects them to get to work or get out they move on to the next provider.

      • Tingolayo says:

        Right? She is so fail. Like, pick a grift, any grift. She can’t even pretend to be a “life coach” or healer or whatever, which is like the easiest thing to fake (besides all of her other faux careers of days gone by.)

        Remember when she brayed that she just wanted to stay in Costa Rica (or Bali, or whatever tropical vacation she was on) and study “healing modalities”? Then fucking do it. Study to be a massage therapist or a yoga teacher. Go live in an intentional community instead of just bleating about it. Start a co-op. Start an organic farm. Be a cashier at Whole Foods. Do something.

  20. Razzmatazz says:

    Front page, baby! This is better than the time Tiny ‘n’ Cute repurposed one of my comments for a Facebook post.

  21. Mrs. Gilly Blake says:

    Bleech. That nasty manbun is sooooooo 2014, but I’m sure it’s very impressive in person.

    • Frequent Liar Miles says:

      OMG, his hair is bad enough, but Five-head’s looks like something you would run across in a discount store where the poorly-trained display staff could not situate the wig on the mannequin’s head properly so it’s tipped back at an unfortunate angle. No wonder head-wraps are Jenna’s friend.

    • Because, for fucks sake. says:

      When I see their photos, I feel like I can actually smell the stench of their BO.

    • Tingolayo says:

      Children abandoned!
      Grown man playing dress-up.
      You are white, not tribal.

    • Stalker just turned into Kamala Harris for 37.5 seconds says:

      mer-mess

  22. Maple Syrup with a side of Flapjack says:

    *insert something witty here*

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