Our burro has been dumped again but is reborn:
I will love this beautiful being for the rest of my life.
So deeply grateful for the lessons I have learned while in romantic partnership with his heart, mind, body and soul. Just as grateful for the lessons I’ve learned as we have embarked upon the most graceful, honoring, loving transition of our lives. Yes, it has been heartbreaking. But the love underneath the heartbreak is fierce and true and so deep that it transcends form.
This two and a half year dance of intimacy has been the most profound relational transformation of my life. Our willingness to stay in the container of – and commitment to – growth, even when deeply uncomfortable (especially then!), along with Rain’s beautiful compassion, patience, intelligence, truth and love has allowed us both to heal many of our deepest wounds.
For me, I witnessed myself becoming softer, more clear, less controlling, more aware, less judgmental, increasing my integrity, my connection with Source, my ability to love both myself and others, burning away painful, disempowering patterns, and most of all, transforming into a woman and partner I respect more than I imagined possible.
For him, I witnessed him deepening his confidence and leadership, and increasing his authenticity, wisdom, awareness and discipline so much that at times I felt like I was living with a sage, or a King. (I was.)
Both of us massively upleveled our health and well-being: physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual, while also creating a heart-opened, beautiful, sacred, light filled home together that filled us both with so much JOY.
Our choice to separate came from acknowledging that we want different paths – me, a desire toward deep, collaborative, lifelong partnership (marriage) and a family. Him, a desire to fully explore his own sovereignty, creative expression and healing path.
I respect and adore him. I miss him every day. I love him with all my heart.
We are best friends – and our intention is to remain lifelong allies. (We are even still in love, as it turns out!)
But we are also in acceptance that now is the time for us to lovingly choose new destinies. I fully trust that spirit speaking through each of us as Truth knows far better than I can what is right for each of us, and if I continue to listen, trust, pray and surrender … all that is meant to occur, will.
One more piece, for authenticity. As much as one part of me is calmly surrendered and knows this is for our highest, I want to acknowledge that there are always multiple levels of Truth operating simultaneously. Another part of me is devastated, heartbroken and hurting. I cried every day for months. I have chosen not to romantically engage with any new lover, and so have been celibate since he moved out in August. I am committed to being fully in the discomfort to learn and integrate everything I can from this, and not to distract myself with band-aids in any form.
In many ways, I have been experiencing a complete ego dissolution, a death, a Kali like destruction of every expectation of my life I had. That process is always … well, it’s really f—king intense. And yet it is necessary to whatever new life wants to emerge from the rubble.
So I become reborn, here in Bali. I am learning how to Source my own Truth, how to create my own safety inside of me, not dependent upon another being. I am learning who I am and how I am meant to serve. I am collaborating with spirit to create a new experience of womaning, with a strong foundation: every single beautiful, sad, and profound life experience I’ve ever had. All of them!
And with my rebirth I remember: nothing true can ever be lost.
To Rain, my lover, my teacher, my sanctuary: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
I love you.
Still. Always. Forever.
Rain would like to thank Rainbow and The Academy:
Putting words to the amount of gratitude and love I have for this woman and the many gifts our relationship has birthed feels akin to painting a sacred temple
with a single strand of hair.
She left me far better than she found me. And though our romantic relationship has transformed into one of deep friendship, my love for her has only expanded.
We cracked each other open and learned how to love, accept and honor what we found. Like 2 kids playing in a sandbox we learned to create together; a coherent and deeply loving relationship from the previously chaotic landscape of our unhealed youths (sometimes with a similar level of skill). Over time we grew into architects, making epic castles and gorgeous monuments of Love, growth, healing and beautiful experiences together (and not without the incredible support of our friends, community, and family). And now, I feel we have helped each other evolve into the architects of our own destinies.
Not only in the love of our amplified togetherness, not only from her wisdom, but even through the heartbreak of separation and how we chose to navigate it, have I grown into a better Man and partner.
– How to be more vulnerable from a place of strength.
– How to love with less attachment.
– How to be present, even when it feels counterintuitive.
– That the meaning I give to any interaction or situation is a choice and not a matter of course.
– That the more responsibility I take for my life, the more empowered I am to improve it.
– How to learn someone else’s love languages, and love them up that way, rather than what feels best to me.
– How to project less and see more.
– How to share and offer with less attachment or energetic hooks.
– That a strong negative reaction to someone else is a wonderful opportunity to look inward with curiosity for its root and explore the potential unhealed wound it reveals.
– That between what I want, and what she wants is a vast sea of collaboration, creativity, and possibility if I only open up to it.
– That in differences of opinion, the frame of “right and wrong” is rarely helpful.
– That I don’t have to understand or agree to Love.
– There is an infinite difference between an internally vs externally derived sense of value.
– That everyone has a different model of the world, and it’s the moments I’m most concerned with someone else “getting” mine that I might look inside and ask “why”?
– That someone’s past doesn’t automatically equal their future.
– How effective unhealed trauma can be at masking its self, how far-reaching its effects often are and how incredibly liberating it is to heal it.
– What it means to leave someone far better than you found them.
– That some of the most personal, profound, revealing and transformative growth experiences are only possible through the reflections of an intimate relationship and how special that is.
– That in many cases, it not only “takes a village to raise a child”, but also a healthy, thriving relationship.
– That the beauty and strength derived from standing in the fire of heartbreak and arriving at gratitude for the incredible gifts it bares feel cosmic in scale.
– That it can be far more liberating to face emotional pain than to turn away.
– That someone knows you love them less by what you say and more by what you do.
– How satisfying it can be to celebrate the little things.
…. and so much more.
I’m learning that it is less about “falling out of Love” and more about learning to change the way I relate to that Love. I seek not to diminish it (why would anyone want less Love in their life!?) but to evolve it; to revel in it.
Thank you, for your vulnerability, your courage and strength, your wisdom, and your Love that shines with the vibrancy and magic of a unicorn studded Rainbow, brighter than a thousand suns.
I love you.
Still. Always. Forever.
And you thought Donkey’s prose was tortured.
I know that 45-year-old Rain’s heart will go on, presumably with a groupie in her twenties.