Woo Sleazewatch: Fozzie & Morass & Noodles

A rollicking woo roundelay! While checking in on best-selling author Michael Austin Jacobs, AKA Fozzie, I discovered it’s corporate America’s fault our favorite slacker lost his latest jerb:

Boo hoo, the powers that be didn’t give Fozzie a gold star on a daily basis. Fuck capitalism, heh, comrade?

Not to worry, Mr. & Mrs. Jacobs are happy to shell out more $$$ for their son’s endless tattoo project:


Meanwhile, over in Oakland, somebody needs to report oversexed skank Christina Morassi to airport authorities:

Goodness, no! All that gyrating in the restroom caused the PleasureCEO to miss her flight! Not to worry, Pamela Madsen’s long lost sister came to the rescue:

At least Morass had a gorgeous AirBNB waiting for her in Boston:

What’s up with Nisha “I pimped my kid out to a journalist and lived to complain about it” Moodley? Lots more fauxtos of Crow, of course, and this:

Fortunately for the kid, I don’t see baby daddy Nvember or Dcember or whatever his name is going deep woo with Skankatron.

Bottom Video! Jess Johnson’s eighth-grade talent show intro and Goddess Donkey’s appearance at the -1:15 mark leave me in stitches:

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91 Responses to Woo Sleazewatch: Fozzie & Morass & Noodles

  1. Winchester House of Fauxtoshoots, Microphones & Ghosted Book Deals says:

    Fozzie was employed for a hot second and thinks he’s figured it all out. And Shit-Show-Shanti chiming in when she’s abused past clients and employees is laughable to think she’s trying to align with any ethical model. Time for all these crackpots to follow in the footsteps of their sister Rainbow and go away.

    • Single Unity says:

      Just wait until Fozzie finds out how much more Jay Z, Tom Cruise, and Mariah Carey make than the highest paid teacher in America.

      But whatever you do, don’t tell him what happened to the natives when the white man came to North America. He needs time to absorb these other amazing truths that every first semester college student “wows!” the family with during their first thanksgiving home.

  2. Razzmatazz says:

    Croooooow!

    If only Morassi had taken the bathroom stall selfie from the other side and inadvertently caught a turd in the toilet, MySpace style.

    So did Pimp Lion work at a Chipotle? I mean, dude, the thing about a job like that is you can pull it off completely faded and management doesn’t even really care. If you get fired it’s probably because you couldn’t show up on time.

  3. Mrs. Gilly Blake says:

    I’m guessing he either showed up stoned one too many times and/or missed work one too many times while drunk, stoned, tripping, etc.

    • Handbag Is Not A Toilet Baby says:

      This made me think maybe he lost his temper with a customer: “Their importance is put even below the customer hence the phrase customers come first.’ So, no matter how poorly the customers treat these ‘low level employees’ they are expected to put on a smiling face and take the blatant abuse.”

      When I was a young’un I worked as a waitress (everything from the midnight shift in a diner to a high-end conceptual restaurant), as a bartender, and in retail off and on for about a decade, and I never had a manager, ever, who allowed the public to abuse me, or even be rude to me. Those jobs were in three different states, too, with a wide variety of coworkers, customers, and managerial styles. But I also never lost my cool under any circumstances. In service jobs you have to be competent and quick and charm people, which isn’t exactly rocket surgery, dear Ink-Stained Fozzie Bear.

      • Gilly Blake, PowerpussyCEO Gilly, Real Housewife at Dirt Festivals says:

        Yep, same here. Even working part-time jobs at a Pizza Hut and a GNC during the summer prior to college. Managers at both gigs insisted no one was being paid enough to take abuse.

        “How dare you complain about the soggy crust! I’ll have you know I’ve written three amazon best sellers!!”

        pizza

        • Handbag Is Not A Toilet Baby says:

          While in grad school (the first time) I worked in a record store/head shop that also had a Ticketmaster, and one afternoon a harried, banker-type woman came in to get tickets to some egregious show. There was a sign on the front door that said, CASH ONLY FOR TICKETS, NO CREDIT CARDS OR CHECKS, and another sign hanging above the Ticketmaster station, and another taped to the counter. Of course she tried to pay with a credit card, and I pointed to the sign and apologized, so she got out her check book — sighing in a contemptuous way — and I apologized again, and she skipped directly to screaming at me. I explained the cash rule was Ticketmaster’s, not ours, and regardless of how sorry I was, there was nothing I could do about it, which made her even more furious. My manager was an angelic man who was finishing a PhD in psychology, and he walked up behind me and said to her, very calmly, “I think you must be very upset with how your life has turned out in general, aren’t you. Nothing is what you hoped for, your clothes are too tight, you’re clenching your teeth. It’s like you’re yelling at your mother right now, or at yourself, not at our dear Handbag, and I think what you need is to breathe, and then get help, and then change your life, yes?” And she burst into tears and ran out of the store, bless her heart.

          • Handbag Is Not A Toilet Baby says:

            Oh dear, that’s much longer than I thought.

          • Tingolayo says:

            It was so worth it.

          • Grifty Shades of Bray says:

            Dead. I am just dead.

          • Fell off the rainbow raft says:

            This is amazing

          • Winchester House of Fauxtoshoots, Microphones & Ghosted Book Deals says:

            He said what every one of us who ever worked in the service industry or retail wanted to yell at a customer. That’s how a manger is supposed to act.

            And up thread, I thought too of the time Fozzie berated a Mercedes employee because she didn’t want to waste her time on someone with no prospect of gaining a commission from. Yes, Fozzie, sometime you can judge a book by its very unwashed, unemployed cover.
            And stop trying to “teach” because you still haven’t learned.

          • Gilly Blake, PowerpussyCEO Gilly, Real Housewife at Dirt Festivals says:

            I hope you use or have used this episode in a novel or memoir. hearty emoticon

            Morrocanwear, Fozzie was offering “coaching sessions” when he was still an undergraduate. “Yes, of course I’ll sign up. Who wouldn’t benefit from your extensive life experience?!”

          • Albie Quirky Sending Hugs says:

            Glorious.

          • Afghani DADSTER Friend says:

            Good story, important lesson. Actually being rude to a server or retail employee is the epitome of trash behavior. You can think whatever you want about the service, but no need to be mean spirited!

      • Morrocanwear...I love you dance video! says:

        Ugh, I wish my experience was the same. The structure at the hotels, where I worked when I was young, only allowed the lower level people to enforce the rules, then, when management was called, they could upgrade the guests, give them freebies and generally make the employee who has been being abused for doing his or her job look like an uncaring and incompetent shit. It was incredibly infuriating. Having said that, I was not fired for mouthing off to customers because I at least had that much sense.

        I was known to act incredibly stupid and repeatedly thank the nastier guests for their patience because, obviously, i only held such a ridiculous job because I wasn’t smart enough to get a good job. Since this was exactly what they were thinking it embarrassed and disarmed them, and they were much nicer after that. I used to get lots of nice letters sent to management about my hospitality and warmth because I allowed awful people to feel superior to me on the regular.

        • Gal Meets Ham says:

          I work in the hotel industry (not on property anymore though) and this has changed a lot, fortunately. Every single employee at my company is empowered to make recovery decisions on the spot without managerial approval. I work for a privately held company though so i know it’s different than a Marriott franchise, but the tide has definitely turned. That said it sucks to be the overnight AFOM everywhere, from the Quality Inn to the Four Seasons. 😛

          • Never the Bride says:

            I took a class recently where evidence showed that companies that empower the customer-facing employee–on the phone or the hotel front desk for example–to solve the problem on the spot were more successful than the companies that did not.

      • BeepBeepBoopBeepBeep. I Am A Robot. says:

        I think he gave the customer his crazy stare (like he did that car sales woman) and hit them with woo-isms.

  4. Olé says:

    The woo is stronger in Fairfax.

  5. Frequent Liar Miles says:

    Fozzie: customer and corporate attitude effected [sic] your widdle self-esteem? So suck it up and collect your paycheck. Or don’t, and whine on social media instead.

    Christina More-nasty: That is “California glam?” OK, if you say so …

    Noodley: Fairfax, no — but Fairfield, AK might be just the place. In the immortal words of Donkey Allison: GO THERE.

  6. Tingolayo says:

    Dear Young Fozzie– Your first mistake was starting at the bottom, in accordance with your limited skills and experience. You should have jumped directly to calling yourself a Healing Chef. ACTUALIZE!

  7. Whatever says:

    Noodles moving to the epicenter of wooville. Lol 😂

  8. Maze says:

    Because fuck customers, not like they’re necessary for a resta..urant’s survival or anything.

    I’m pretty sure that if pussy is your provider, that means you are a prostitute. It would certainly be a great recruitment slogan for them.

    • Gilly Blake, PowerpussyCEO Gilly, Real Housewife at Dirt Festivals says:

      Discover how your pussy can become your provider! Become an ecstatic prostitute, the original entrepreneur, at PleasureCEO Christina Morassi’s exclusive weekend seminar for women who would like to see the gains of feminism eradicated completely! Only $4999.99 if you enroll before 5 p.m.

      whore

  9. How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

    Fast food joints are teeming w/ corporate mgrs who never even gave Fozzie a trophy just for showing up? BASTARDS! Too bad his parents never gave him a higher education so that he could go get the kind of job that doesn’t include a time clock. BASTARDS! Only silver lining in it all is that no employer anywhere ever frowns upon comic strip arms, so he has that going for him, at least.

    • Winchester House of Fauxtoshoots, Microphones & Ghosted Book Deals says:

      +1

    • Morrocanwear...I love you dance video! says:

      He went to college with one of my kids…I don’t know if he graduated, but he was there for 4 years.

      • Gilly Blake, PowerpussyCEO Gilly, Real Housewife at Dirt Festivals says:

        In addition to Fozzie’s kissing booth in the quad, which no one patronized, didn’t he do something so horrible that your son couldn’t tell you what it was?

        • Morrocanwear...I love you dance video! says:

          I think he was generally just a creepy guy who used to show up at parties. My kids are hesitant to expose their mom to high levels of party folk, and I believe that my son’s experiences with Fozzie was more than he thought I would enjoy hearing about.

    • Handbag Is Not A Toilet Baby says:

      BASTARDS!

    • Gilly Blake, PowerpussyCEO Gilly, Real Housewife at Dirt Festivals says:

      LOSERS! Ali Shanti will show them how it’s done with her new Conscious Capitalism model!

  10. Tingolayo says:

    Nisha: Mill Valley or Fairfax?
    Nathan P, Liyana S: *helpful information*
    Donkey: Wait, do I live near there? My grifted stall in Novato is in Marin Valley or near The Bay of Fairfax. Anyway, I have a back deck where I drink green smoothies (who DOES that?! I am a bohemian!) and it’s like all naturey because I hate cities. Why do people still live in cities??? Somebody needs to do something about society.

  11. Gilly Blake, PowerpussyCEO Gilly, Real Housewife at Dirt Festivals says:

    A new job isn’t a priority for boy genius and best-selling author Michael Austin Jacobs. Mom and Dad are happy to foot the bill for their son’s Burning Man wardrobe and are confident this year at Camp Septic will bring Michael the contacts necessary to turn him into the next Elon Musk.

    • Albie Quirky Sending Hugs says:

      Oh, the things you see when you don’t have a bomb-drone! Kritter Klips, why?

    • Winchester House of Fauxtoshoots, Microphones & Ghosted Book Deals says:

      I can’t imagine the highlight of the year, as an adult, getting dressed up in costumes for a week. How sad and unfulfilling their lives must really be, despite their best efforts to fake otherwise. You know Fozzie is desperate to get his tat done in time for BM. I’d say aim higher but I’d settle for just aiming at something bigger than themselves at this point.

      • Mrs. Gilly Blake says:

        I doubt he’s welcome at Camp Septic. I don’t care how many drugs everyone has ingested. When Fozzie and Skankatron broke up, right after Junior and his mother gave a BM Talk on parenting, he insulted a whole bunch of CS asshats, particularly Shanti and Bryan Franklin. I think that specific woo crowd find Fozzie creepy and unbalanced, which he is, but so are they.

        • Winchester House of Fauxtoshoots, Microphones & Ghosted Book Deals says:

          How Shanti is welcome at anyone’s camp is beyond me. I get that many there are all about the partner swap but that’s too mundane for her, she’d want the challenge of someone who isn’t into swapping. My guess is reasons like that is why Noodles in her third trimester hoofed it out in the dirt for a week,

    • Princess WideStance says:

      So ridiculous. He can afford to mouth off and get fired, because his parents’ money will still buy him over-priced woo wear, weed and tattoos. Why bother with a job?

  12. Princess WideStance says:

    Sure Noodles, move to one of the wealthiest cities in the country. Clearly somebody’s parents are ponying up.

    • Sacred Scrapbooks says:

      Mom and Dad: Mercedes vs. Bentley. Thoughts? Thanks!

    • Winchester House of Fauxtoshoots, Microphones & Ghosted Book Deals says:

      Do these people not have any realtor friends? Oh so they want to humble-brag all over the internet. Is this like when Julie was putting out feelers for a 4 bedroom for she and derwood? #TheHouseTheyNeverShared

      • Morrocanwear...I love you dance video! says:

        Their four bedroom home was the funniest thing I ever read here.

    • Wolf, Hemmingaway and Khaat Whores says:

      Nobody puts baby in Novato!

      • Winchester House of Fauxtoshoots, Microphones & Ghosted Book Deals says:

        Do you think it was a dig at Donkey that Noodles didn’t mention Novato?

        • Wolf, Hemmingaway and Khaat Whores says:

          I think Noodles is in a whole different tier of fame & wealth, and wouldn’t even consider Novato.

  13. Princess WideStance says:

    Anybody read this article about the true roots of Angelyne?

    http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/features/angelyne-la-billboard-diva-30-years-1025678

    Always found her fascinating. She seems to be another person who wants to be famous, but only on her terms/only with the persona she’s constructed. Some parallels between her and Donk. Except that I feel empathy with Angelyne.

    • Stalker is the New Praise JEAN BRODIE! says:

      Angelyne is a fucking legend.

    • Winchester House of Fauxtoshoots, Microphones & Ghosted Book Deals says:

      I went down that rabbit hole last week too. I remember seeing her billboard for the first time on a trip to LA as a college student (we were trying to get on The Price is Right) and I was amazed everyone every where knew who she was within the city. If parts of the article are to be believed she was one of the first people to “brand” herself with some type of venture capital investors. She was ahead of her time in a lot of ways.
      I do see the similarities with the woos who fuck up, in their case ethically or illegally, and create a new narrative (name/personality) to avoid accountability. She seemed to want to escape something entirely different stemming from childhood trauma. I had the sad feeling that if she was given the likely mental help she needed at an early age she could have been running a studio or production company.

  14. BunnyBingo says:

    Pussy always provides. Holy hell.

  15. AnnaPelt Is Happy at 138 says:

    So have we all read the Times today? Mr. Taylor “Greasy” Greason’s wedding announcement is in there! Nice pic.

    https://www.nytimes.com/2017/08/06/fashion/weddings/allison-zeilinger-taylor-greason.html?_r=0

  16. Mrs. Gilly Blake says:

    The bride has an actual job. Suck on that, Donkey!

    Are Greasy & Julia still in each other’s lives as friends?

  17. Wolf, Hemmingway and Khaat whores says:

    You know like we have Meghan’s Law, I believe we need a Cristina’s Law.

    If Cristina Moreass is in my neighborhood, for any reason, for any length of time, I want the Police to notify me.

  18. Energy Pussy (brought to you by BIG TAMPON) says:

    WTH kind of flight is Oakland–>Dallas–>Phoenix–>Boston?

    • Winchester House of Fauxtoshoots, Microphones & Ghosted Book Deals says:

      The cheapest possible because they wouldn’t accept her bid for baggage transport?

      • Gilly Blake, PowerpussyCEO Gilly, Real Housewife at Dirt Festivals says:

        I hope she christened each airplane bathroom on her way to Beantown.

        #pleasurablenympho
        #somethingmentallyillishappening

  19. Ethel-egg says:

    In that video: Fire + sheets attached to the ceiling. What could possibly go wrong?

    • Wolf, Hemmingway and Khaat whores says:

      I almost missed the Donkey in the blue wig!

      • Winchester House of Fauxtoshoots, Microphones, & Ghosted Book Deals says:

        Isn’t she also in the end in a skeleton costume ‘dancing’. It’s like a spider-monkey almost falls of the stage. I’d tell her not to quit her day job but…

  20. RollsRoyceRevenge says:

    I have this weird thing that I do where if I take a picture of myself and a friend and in the picture I somehow look halfway decent but my friend’s head looks as if it is going to detach like the monster in “The Thing” I do not publish the picture.

    Does anyone else do this?

  21. Woo, There it Is says:

    I love “my companies.” So many companies! She’s like the Elon Musk woo.

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