Jena la Flamme Turned 39 & Transformed Into A Professional Sex Expert

I just kant with this scheming asshole.

She woke up and was Dr. Ruth Westheimer? Attending a talk by Mama Gena doesn’t confer a degree on the idiots in the audience. Will la Phlegm wake up tomorrow and be a healing cook? Just how many grifts is Jean Gray running at this point?

Happy Birthday, Fivehead!

And there’s more from the Phlegm of Unity, that incredible “performance troupe” consisting of two delusionsal, untalented idiots:

Someone is credited with filming this junky home movie? Hopefully this budding Jordan Cronenweth will learn how to use a light meter.

Bottom B.S. Was the book contract with St. Martin’s, Ali?

This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

102 Responses to Jena la Flamme Turned 39 & Transformed Into A Professional Sex Expert

  1. Wolf, Hemmingway and Khaat whores says:

    I turned 29 yesterday and I have been reborn as a Nuclear Physicist.

    If you want to enrich some uranium, or design a nuclear power plant, or simply have some questions about the atom, inbox me.

    Cash only.

    #pleasurableelectrons #neutronsareparticlestoo #unshakeableradiactivity

  2. Wolf, Hemmingway and Khaat whores says:

    Funny how, whatever happens in her life, Skankatron always comes to the same conclusion: “I was being too nice to people, if I am more of a ruthless predator, everything will be fine”.

    What. A. Douche.

    • Gilly Blake, Unicorn-Studded Rainbow Gilly, Real Housewife at Dirt Festivals says:

      She is gutter trash and would slash her mother’s throat for a quarter. I so loved that recent whine about folks who don’t like her not getting to know the real Ali or Alexis or whatever the hell her name is this week. My Greg, she’s posted of such utterly foul behavior over the years – who in their right mind would want to be in the same room with Turkey Feathers?

      • Wolf, Hemmingway and Khaat whores says:

        “Major break in my maternal lineage” = “I stopped worrying about ruining my mother’s life by squandering her retirement savings in a failed vanity project”.

        • Money Map Tiny Crowd says:

          She is also a horrible person. Happy birthday, Jean Gray!

          • Wolf, Hemmingway and Khaat whores says:

            Her mother is a horrible person?

            Do you know any stories?

            Would you like to share them with the basement?

  3. Albie Quirky Sending Hugs says:

    I am not a sex expert, but all of my partners have showered regularly. #winning #somethingiswashingup

    • Winchester House of Fauxtoshoots, Microphones & Ghosted Book Deals says:

      By their logic because I love shoes, I’m a cobbler and designer. Because they speak it, it does not make it true no matter how many hashtags follow, no actual degree or education does.

  4. Random Snowflake says:

    So did Ali do a Julia and flake on her book deal too? #slackers

    • Gilly Blake, Unicorn-Studded Rainbow Gilly, Real Housewife at Dirt Festivals says:

      You think she actually had a book deal with a major publisher?

      • Winchester House of Fauxtoshoots, Microphones & Ghosted Book Deals says:

        It seems mighty odd this is the first (or second) time it’s been mentioned but not actually mentioned at the time of acquiring “book deal.” But Ali is NEVER inconsistent & contradictory #EyeRoll

      • Julia Allison's Epileptic Daunce says:

        Not a major publisher but I know she was “working” with someone named Kxxxx Nxxxxxx who has a literary agency in Boulder.

  5. Frequent Liar Miles says:

    Perhaps “Lexi” will turn out to be yet another iteration of Alexis/Ali.

  6. Morrocanwear...I love you dance video! says:

    Did the break in her maternal lineage have anything to do with a changed ATM password?

    • Gilly Blake, Unicorn-Studded Rainbow Gilly, Real Housewife at Dirt Festivals says:

      Should we ask Lexi, expert in “family constellations”? For only $1499.99, Ms. Soulios will answer your questions about Skankatron and repair your paternal and maternal lineages.

      Is Skankatron ever not grifting? Whenever she shares her latest revelation, it’s always tied into some woo asshat’s online scam. Tho transparent.

  7. My Tribe Doesn't Have an Easy-To-Spell Name So White Girls Never Appropriate us says:

    That video is every white girl, ever, who took a cultural appropriation belly-dance class at the local rec center, taught by another white girl, and now feels qualified to charge money for her tentative, off-beat, oddly chicken-like movements.

    As for Miss What Is My Name, for chrissakes I can’t even. She ‘upleveled’. I am embarrassed on her behalf. She reminds me of the girls in high school who changed the spelling of their first name a dozen times, then agonized over which name was the ‘best’. Settle down there, Jennifer/ Ginnifer/ J3NN1F3R/ Jenni/ Jeni/ Jennifer-with-a-heart-dotting-the i – no one cares that you gave yourself a new fake name. No one cares.

    • Whatever says:

      Omg love this post. She is the stereotypical white girl who cultural appropriation is her identity. Seriously balding la phelgm is a disaster the white girl from the Rec center would be embarrassed 😩 her deadbeat of a husband yikes so much wrongs it’s pathetic. You may have turned 39 but look awful they are people 10 to 30 years older who look better. Sex expert you mean sleeze low class gutter expert that’s more like it.

  8. Tingolayo says:

    In a world– I mean a tribe–where unemployed train wreck Julia Allison dares to offer “like coaching” over the phone, anyone can call themselves an expert in anything.

    PS Please deposit $1,999.99 into my PayPal account and I will heal your calcified pineal gland by telepathy.

  9. Razzmatazz says:

    Jordacted is pimping Rogaine on her blog, somebody tell her to throw some samples Jena’s way as a birthday gift.

    • Gilly Blake, Unicorn-Studded Rainbow Gilly, Real Housewife at Dirt Festivals says:

      http://www.ramshackleglam.com/2017/07/19/great-taboo-topic-thinning-hair-women/

      This post was created in collaboration with Rogaine. Photography by Sue Hudelson.

      rogaine

      • Gilly Blake, Unicorn-Studded Rainbow Gilly, Real Housewife at Dirt Festivals says:

        JFAing myself to add that Jordan’s cryface in the article is hilarious. (Photo credit: Sue Hudelson, not to be confused with Monika de Myer, THE Monika de Myer, wedding fauxtographer and visual recorder of Donkey in the wild.)

      • Stalker is the New Praise JEAN BRODIE! says:

        Her hair was probably nicer during pregnancy because she was loading up on prenatal vitamins. But advocating proper nutrition doesn’t get her ~PAID~ therefore she has to shill.

      • Sad Rat In Sidewalk says:

        My hair started thinning in my late 20s and I tried women’s Rogaine. It DID NOT WORK. Vitamins did, extremely well.

    • Twitter Banned by Julie says:

      wow, she’s still talking about her engagement, and photos of pregnancy.
      Boring.

      I had to stop when I read, “here I am cuddling with a citronella candle, like a beloved child” huh?

  10. Rhinestone Technology says:

    I started to write a comment that disappeared mid-stream so this might appear twice… As I was saying, Jena’s claim that she is “sexually liberated” and therefore qualified to do whatever this thing is that she is going to be doing made my head spin. She had to override her mother’s voice in her head (she says in the video) to be able to put it out there that she is a sexual healer. If she had education and training from an actual institution of higher learning, would that be the case? If someone really is a sex therapist with legitimate training, they would know the profession is not about dancing around the room showing off or posting about your sexual partners. In other words, it is not about you. Once upon a time, I attended tantra workshops, until I learned how unqualified the teachers are. Many of the participants, mostly female, have sexual abuse in their backgrounds. The teachers had absolutely no training to handle this type of trauma. It is not something you can shimmy, shake, or screw away.

  11. Rhinestone Technology says:

    I’m sorry, I just can’t get over this. Just because you like sex does not mean you are qualified to be a sex therapist. Jena keeps talking about how much stigma there is around the subject of sex. No, Jena, there is not. There is, however, stigma against turning yourself into a sexual object and encouraging others to do the same. There is also stigma against people who haven’t resolve their own issues believing they are competent enough to counsel others. It’s just like losing 20 pounds and thinking you are a weight-loss expert…

    • Gilly Blake, Unicorn-Studded Rainbow Gilly, Real Housewife at Dirt Festivals says:

      This. A friend and sometimes colleague works in sexuality studies and is an award winning filmmaker. He has a Ph.D from NYU and always behaves in a professional manner, which means not slithering around in scanty wear in FB videos. Maybe he needs to attend a seminar with Christina Morassi and discover his turn-on?

  12. Fell off the rainbow raft says:

    All I could hear was nipples and forehead. Something else about look at my body and almost 40 and husband and waste of life.

    • Gilly Blake, Unicorn-Studded Rainbow Gilly, Real Housewife at Dirt Festivals says:

      What is she wearing? A romper? A candy striper porno costume? The forehead takes up 2/3 of the screen.

  13. Handbag Is Not A Toilet Baby says:

    What is if your entire life is a vanity project?

  14. Kenneth Ellen Parcell is a Wholehearted Yes says:

    sometimes i don’t feel great about my life and my choices but damn. i’m doing better than these people who pat themselves on the back for the most basic and/or crazy shit. they really remind me of our Tangerine Fail in Chief, spinning everything to pretend they were right all along, expecting praise for literally existing. it all leaves me with the same sense of nausea.

  15. Swisss phlegm green unite card caca spirit says:

    same cinematographer as inswain in the membrane, to me.. sad

  16. BeepBeepBoopBeepBeep. I Am A Robot says:

    If Ali doesn’t write that book then she has failed at EST/Landmark. She must be getting non-stop phone calls from fellow cult attendees reminding her of that.

  17. Gilly Blake, Unicorn-Studded Rainbow Gilly, Real Housewife at Dirt Festivals says:

    More heartwarming “success” stories from Christina Morassi, Jena la Phlegm’s mentor and the creepiest creepster in Wooville:

    #settingbackfeminism100yearsishappening

    • Stalker is the New Praise JEAN BRODIE! says:

      Never been happier that i work at home and have no family.

      • BeepBeepBoopBeepBeep. I Am A Robot says:

        1. I’ve gone without underwear at work…in NYC…NBD. Sometimes, it’s just not necessary.
        2. Christine Morassi is couch-surfing since being dumped by a guy. He was through with that.
        3. Pamela Madsen’s FB feed is a wayyyyyyyyy crazier!

        • Gilly Blake, Unicorn-Studded Rainbow Gilly, Real Housewife at Dirt Festivals says:

          It’s nuts! I looked at her site a couple of weeks ago and howled. Profiles of the homeless guys she hires for stud duty and lots of ridiculous fauxtoshoots where Madsen looks like she’s starring in the remake of PINK FLAMINGOS.

          This just in. The love child of Edith Massey and Divine?

        • Gilly Blake, Unicorn-Studded Rainbow Gilly, Real Housewife at Dirt Festivals says:

          Oh, hey, that guy who dumped Morassi has kids and she posted a creepy picture of their boy scout uniforms. I keep waiting for the PleasureCEO to get arrested.

        • Never the Bride says:

          Public service announcement regarding your first point: couldn’t agree more, NBD. One might, however, enjoy the Cosabella “hot pant” design. Quite comfy and Trainspotting-disapproved–NVPL!

          That said, is it considered “commando,” or as we like to say, “wearless,” if one doesn’t wear underpants under pantyhose or tights? I guess maybe don’t answer that, as none of you probably wear pantyhose anymore. See below on “resident oldster” status. 🙂

          • Frequent Liar Miles says:

            “Wearless!” Never heard that before, and I love it! Will employ at first available opportunity.

        • Stalker is the New Praise JEAN BRODIE! says:

          BeepBeep darling, it doesn’t matter to me who wears what. Boxers briefs boyshorts bikini or bare. U do U. I don’t particularly want the information to come from the next cubicle while I’m working on the TPS reports is all.

          • BeepBeepBoopBeepBeep. I Am A Robot says:

            I hear ya. Just wanted to make the point that going “commando” doesn’t make you next level feminist reclaiming her vulva and escaping the restraints society has placed on women. Sometimes it means you just haven’t done laundry and meh, who cares.

      • Never the Bride says:

        As the resident oldster here, I can report that I’ve been participating in women’s “retreats” (read: friends’ weekends with my pals) for 40 years. When we were in our teens/20s, we talked about the who’s, how’s, and even whose in terms of our sex lives. We still do. Back in the day, we held these discussions wearing our pajamas. Today, it’s more of a muu-muu situation (I hope this is not cultural appropriation). I think we all pretty much know what we’re doing at this point. We do not and have never a) recorded or filmed these discussions; b) posted photos of them for the world to see; c) considered or marketed ourselves as sexperts; d) (other than that one time in 1979) demonstrated anything (and even that involved a sarong); e) determined that our private parts would help our various employers or businessses be more successful; nor f) been worthy of CWAA status.

        So definitely get off my lawn. I swear, these people would try to sell me a way to get my lawn off if they could.

        • Tingolayo says:

          I always wonder… when Ali Scamti, for example, is feeling low and needs a friend to talk to, and she rings up one of her other divine goddess pals, does that friend immediately start the meter running and then present her with a bill for a coaching session?

          When Donk is visiting New York and rings up Jena La Fake to go out dancing, does Jena charge her for a Sacred Dance Ritual coaching session?

          Do these assholes ever just, like, hang out?

    • Winchester House of Fauxtoshoots, Microphones & Ghosted Book Deals says:

      So the family will think it’s time to send the relative to a home? And is Shit-Show hanging out at this family reunion to address their financial needs?

  18. Gilly Blake, Unicorn-Studded Rainbow Gilly, Real Housewife at Dirt Festivals says:

    This just in: Swiss Mister is doing mushrooms and heading back home to see his children. I hope he plans on feeding them something other than cacao.

  19. DJ Telexfree Making Beeps and Boops at Dirt Festivals says:

    If there was a worst woo trophy for 2017, I think Jena is winning. Ali can’t win it every year. Swainy McTeague is DQ’d by reason of insanity.

    #shesthewooorrrst

    • Gilly Blake, Unicorn-Studded Rainbow Gilly, Real Housewife at Dirt Festivals says:

      She’s definitely the front runner but 2017 ain’t over yet!

    • Razzmatazz says:

      I vote Nisha because it seems like she should know better, and she has embraced victimhood in a truly annoying way.

      • Gilly Blake, Unicorn-Studded Rainbow Gilly, Real Housewife at Dirt Festivals says:

        Equally annoying is putting that kid in every gregdamn fauxto related to her “business,” which I still don’t really understand. I believe it to bo some sort of old school encounter group in which timid women confess to wanting to open a pottery school. Joan Didion would eat Noodles and her minions alive.

    • McSwain in the Membrane says:

      McSwinger is too rich to be a woo. He is not on the grift. What motivates him is mental illness and having no struggle, internalizing struggle, creating struggle which does not exist for the sake of itself. An exercise in caveman biology. A caged raccoon will take its food to the water dish and pretend to lose it, this allows the raccoon to “hunt”. McSwinger is much the same.

      • Gilly Blake, Unicorn-Studded Rainbow Gilly, Real Housewife at Dirt Festivals says:

        He’s rich? I thought he went through all that money. His credit cards are maxed out and the hangers-on are gone. Believe me, those kids would still be around if Swainy were still paying the bills and throwing a non-stop house party.

      • McSwain in the Membrane says:

        A financial restraining order in a divorce can prevent a person from taking certain actions until a judge makes a ruling on the issue at a hearing. During a divorce, filing a financial restraining order is similar to freezing your accounts or other assets.

        It puts the same face on again or else it gets the poverty again. (Silence of the lambs voice)

  20. How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

    OT but funny, since she looks like a baby burra too:
    https://twitter.com/juliaaallison/status/864688683965857793

    • A-Game Content says:

      Bray, I <3 you so please don't be insulted but I don't feel right making fun of an earnest high school girl who is excited to be asked to prom. She looks genuinely happy in those pics!

      • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

        I get ya. In re-reading the way I posed that, it can be construed as making fun of her, which really wasn’t my intent at all — moreso, I meant it as a reiteration that Donk looks the part of someone’s 45-yr-old mom, but that was all in my head. Gilly should delete?

        • Gilly Blake, Unicorn-Studded Rainbow Gilly, Real Housewife at Dirt Festivals says:

          I didn’t interpret your comment to be making fun of a high schooler engaging in age appropriate activities. Not at all. I think we’re o.k. here.

        • A-Game Content says:

          Bray, thanks for your reply. I see what you meant. I’m having a sensitive day and was being a bit dramatic. My apologies! Sorry also to Gilly, I didn’t mean to be a Debbie downer.

          • Handbag Is Not A Toilet Baby says:

            Look at everyone being civilized, especially for a sad, sort of angry group of haters!

          • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

            Well, Handbag, I do bring out the best in ppl…

            ::snort::

  21. KellyanneConway'sFoot-WideGash says:

    I was going to write a comment about this…but then I wondered, would the comment be by RollsRoyceRevenge or my other personality, KellyanneConway’sFoot-WideGash?

    Tho many questions!

    Tho little vodka!

  22. Rhinestone Technology says:

    I was sick the other day, and today I woke up feeling better! I’m going to change careers and be a doctor. I obviously have healing powers to share with the world!!!!

    • Never the Bride says:

      Can you do something about this bunion? My shoe is no longer holding space for it.

  23. Gilly Blake, Unicorn-Studded Rainbow Gilly, Real Housewife at Dirt Festivals says:

    Swainy Todd just posted a video on Ali Shanti’s page about his first trip to a gay bar: “Hi Ali Shanti. Thought this would get you laffin’.” On his own page, he wrote over 50 comments re this video, each comment tagging a “friend” and nothing else. Funnier than a heart attack!

    • Razzmatazz says:

      I’m not going to watch it, but does he express as much outraged empathy for “gay guys” as he did for “black guys”?

      • Gilly Blake, Unicorn-Studded Rainbow Gilly, Real Housewife at Dirt Festivals says:

        No idea. I watched 15 seconds and bailed. I could tell Mental Dental was just going to wander on and on and on and never get to any point.

    • Frequent Liar Miles says:

      Ew. Does Yandy have a seasonal Pride section where he came by that tank-top?

      • Morrocanwear...I love you dance video! says:

        International Male perhaps?

        • Gilly Blake, Unicorn-Studded Rainbow kGilly, Real Housewife at Dirt Festivals says:

          Indeed, Morrocanwear. Nothing spells “lost elegance” like International Male.

          male

          • Frequent Liar Miles says:

            OMG, you guys, I haven’t thought of IM in years, but I was obsessed with its obsessivness back in the day and would make up narratives to fit every spread (“they first noticed each other at the pool, where Tyler’s canary-yellow bikini briefs caught Brandon’s eye and Tyler was correspondingly intrigued by Brandon’s flowing semi-sheer djellaba… “) I feel so surrounded by the kindred community of the cat basement right now.
            P.S.: If Tom of Finland has finally been embraced by the serious art world, it’s only a matter of time for IM. I am on hand to contribute to exhibition catalogue as needed.

          • Stalker is the New Praise JEAN BRODIE! says:

            It’s a national tragedy that this is not an archive-rich blog for me to read, FLM.

          • Greg says:

            FLM I am delighted by this.

    • Handbag Is Not A Toilet Baby says:

      I have so many questions.

      1. Is he just learning to smoke cigarettes? Are they props?
      2. He’s a magical hippie Jesus love revolutionary but has never been in a gay bar? Did he know gay people exist, and that some are even dentists, and that gay people LOVE just like everyone else?
      3. Why in Kesus’ name does he think he’s funny or interesting? Did someone tell him he was was once?
      4. His relationship to swearing is very similar to his relationship to that cigarette. It’s some weird, uncomfortable affectation. Forgot to make this a question.
      5. Is he a teenager?
      6. What the hell?

      • Gilly Blake, Unicorn-Studded Rainbow Gilly, Real Housewife at Dirt Festivals says:

        It’s 1975 and 17-year-old Ryan’s bro turns out to gay, so they go to one of those big city clubs and dance their asses off to Gloria Gaynor. It turns out that straight guys and gay guys can be friends! Didn’t I read something similiar in an Armistead Maupin novel written back in 1975?

      • Tingolayo says:

        Everything he does is a pathetic grab for attention. He wants people to comment on the cigarette and beg him not to smoke. I guess he’s bored and is now trying to appropriate gay culture. Those poor kids, having this self-absorbed asshole as one of the adults in charge (nominally) of raising them.

      • BeepBeepBoopBeepBeep. I Am A Robot says:

        He smokes like Jesse Eisenberg did in the movie “End of the Tour”.

    • Twitter Banned by Julie says:

      he’s really gross.

      unbearable — that’s why no- one talked or looked at you, bro.

    • Pass the Nachos Please says:

      “I’ve been dressing kinda gay recently.” *eyeroll*

      He thinks he looks kinda gay but no, honey. They know you’re a straight white CIS boy. Are you disappointed because no one hit on you, thinking they could try and turn you?

      • Winchester House of Fauxtoshoots, Microphones & Ghosted Book Deals says:

        They only identify with stereotypes. It’s what they use to make their “costumes” to live day-to-day life.

  24. BunnyBingo says:

    Why is sex such a big deal to these woos? Most adults manage to have sex without too many problems, even good sex, yet Jena needs to make it her life’s calling?
    What’s next? Woo porn?

  25. Sacred Scrapbooks says:

    Where is mommy?

    • Gilly Blake, Unicorn-Studded Rainbow Gilly, Real Housewife at Dirt Festivals says:

      Good question. We were in contact and she indicated wanting to post in here again …

  26. Gilly Blake, Unicorn-Studded Rainbow Gilly, Real Housewife at Dirt Festivals says:

    Jess Johnson’s new FB profile pic:

    Calling myself out!
    I was trying to add filters to hide my wrinkles before posting this…then decided to write this instead:

    Been learning to love my lines
    Wisdom grooves etched in my skin
    A knowing twinkle in my eyes
    A women proud of where she’s been.
    And lifetimes still ahead to see
    An ever new unfolding me
    So loves before you judge your eyes
    Your “imperfections” paralyzed…
    Remember your face tells a story
    That counts your smiles
    And your frowns
    Every surprise
    Each furrowed brow
    Archived in your forehead now 😉
    And all the tinctures, oils and creams
    Are powerless over these tales it seems.
    So I’m learning how to love and embrace
    The expression lines upon my face,
    And perhaps you can love yours too
    Show me your stories
    As I share mine with you…

    #agingwithgrace #theheartistsway

    WHAT DA FUQUE? The image is so whited out that Betty White’s wrinkles wouldn’t be visible had she been posing alongside Jaahass. Agining naturally? HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!

    • Greg says:

      self-proclaimed #agingwithgrace

      Kesus I can’t with these people. I hope she puts that beautiful piece of poetry to music!!

    • Whatever says:

      I was thinking the same thing, why are her lips so incredible dry.mositurize you are so dry girl and we all know she used a filter and still can see the skin. Girl go to your local drugstore and buy some cream looking awful. Just like her spirit dry and empty, always needs acclamation. Wondering did she get dumped by loser model boyfriend? Hmmm

  27. Aggressively Stupid says:

    I’m turning 39 next week (seriously!) and am hoping to be reborn an independently wealthy heiress. Cross your fingers and send me your good vibes, Tribe!

    In La Flambé’s post the part I’m hung up on is her inviting birthday well wishes on Facebook. Is that something people generally have to ask for? I am by no means a social media exthpert and have less than 300 friends, but I still usually get a healthy number of Happy Birthday messages each year without a passive aggressive “Time to pay tribute to me, Bitches!” post.

    • Winchester House of Fauxtoshoots, Microphones & Ghosted Book Deals says:

      Happy pre-birthday! Ali one year asked people not to write their many birthday wishes on her wall but rather put a a link to a special page so she could easily read while masturbating. (Well that was my take because why else would scrolling down a page be a problem?).
      I’ve never seen people so obsessed with their birthdays. I haven’t cared about one of mine past 21.

  28. Sacred Scrapbooks says:

    In the 20 minutes since I last updated you all, I have been reborn. I have been called by the Universe to be the God of Alternating Current. I know how this news must strike you, but please hold your applause until I finish this critical update on my life. I am still feeling into my new Godhood, and I will learn to summon the forces of Alternating Current for this dark time when the utility company has unjustly canceled service to my home.

    Also, I am holding space for my new project, which is a storage facility in Brooklyn. I have been holding as much space as possible so this future warehouse can be as large as possible. I will keep you updated on this critical project and I pledge to my tribe a special discount on storage, and I will share with you all my feeling when I head East and see Brooklyn for the first time.

    Off to locate my E dealer. Om to all!

Comments are closed.