Money Can Buy Your Way Into Anything

Wow. Just. Wow. I listened for four minutes, giving up when Yellow Teefs was blithering on and on about tech and Judiasm – please just shut the fuck up!

No thumbs up from Donkey? They were sisters! They threw bi curious birthday parties together, during which OMG! Randi’s friends made Julia feel so welcome:

Those were the days, my friend, we thought they’d never end …

Poor Donkey. Rain will probably be far away, banging a groupie, when she turn the big 36. Our broken-down burro will be forced to spend her special day with BDSM skank Roxanne DePalma and Dead Russian Hooker #2. SAD!

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90 Responses to Money Can Buy Your Way Into Anything

  1. Afghani RAINBOW friend (TM) says:

    F1rst!!!!!111

    • Telexfree Antofagasta says:

      Man she worked that Zucker so hard, it looks like she can practically smell the payoff she thinks is coming

  2. "Pilot" is the new "keynote" says:

    Priscilla Chan was at bicray CA? lulz

    • Frequent Liar Miles says:

      I believe it’s Randi’s bachelorette, which Donkey crashed in the creepiest way by showing up with a bathing suit to match her own.

      • Gilly Blake, PowerpussyCEO Gilly (and the entire Cosmos) says:

        Not invited to the bachelorette party, not invited to the wedding. Why didn’t OMG! Randi or one of her lackeys have this gatecrasher tossed out on her ass?

      • Tingolaoy says:

        Wait… she heard about the bachelorette third-hand and just showed up uninvited? And she wasn’t even invited to her “best friend’s” wedding? Was there a specific falling out, or did Randi just realize that Julia was a psycho asshole? No wonder OMG Randi won’t touch Julia with a 10-foot pole anymore.

        • Frequent Liar Miles says:

          I think they were fairly recent acquaintances at that point, too new for Donkey to have made the guest lists. But she wouldn’t let a little thing like that stop her from showing up in Vegas to “honor” her “sister.” And I think the wedding itself was abroad, or anyway somewhere not convenient enough for Donkey to just show up uninvited.

    • Donkin Donuts says:

      I saw that… she’s probably screaming internally

  3. Albie Quirky Sending Hugs says:

    I am embarrassed for her.

  4. Telexfree Antofagasta says:

    The JIML desperately gloms onto wallets like Judy does. And she is equally bad at getting much out of them, they are both try-hard narcissist golddiggers, both get exposed quickly.

    • Telexfree Antofagasta says:

      They both fuck guys for vacations and apartments so there’s that too

    • Donkin Donuts says:

      exactamundo… Jacy has said this before I think but if she could just calm the scheme weasels for a sec and had managed to keep a decent job, she would have eventually ended up with a guy with some money just by virtue of the circles she ran in and the douchebags she hung out with.

      • Donkin Donuts says:

        not saying super wealthy or cool, but she could have managed to be a first wife for a guy with no awareness.

  5. Purple OMG Rain says:

    At least Randy DOES things. She has all the fuck you money in the world and she uses it to try new things, instead of sitting around like a layabout. If I had fuck you money I would do the same. Julia would do the same as she does now. Nothing.

    • Gilly Blake, PowerpussyCEO Gilly (and the entire Cosmos) says:

      I just wish the ticket-buying public wasn’t subjected to Randi’s stage ventures. Can you imagine going to see Seinfeld and discovering this dumb, unfunny asswipe is the opening act?

      • Winchester House of Fauxtoshoots, Microphones & Ghosted Book Deals says:

        Seinfeld and the Zuckerberg deserve each other> You’re right that people who spend their hard earned money to have to tolerate the coattail riding sister of a Silicon Valley fraudster are the real victims. She should pay them.

    • Afghani DADSTER Friend says:

      I actually think Julia would do much of the same as Randi — promote herself under the guise of “I’m so quirky, trying different things…”.

      Why is her whole “stand up” routine about being Jewish and “working” in tech (even though she really doesn’t…)? She has only lived in Cambridge, NYC & SV–she acts like she’s talking to proles in Modesto or Stockton, not rich people in SF. So embarrassing.

      Literally the only thing that makes her interesting is her brother founding FB. LOL @ her trying to claim she brought some kind of marketing expertise to FB, as if the VC’s didn’t already know exactly what to do. Yes, I’m sure Andreesen Horowitz, Tim Draper, Fenwick & West et al really needed Randi Stupidberg’s input before making crucial decisions in the early days!

      • Winchester House of Fauxtoshoots, Microphones & Ghosted Book Deals says:

        To your point all the Zuckerberg’s were in place to take the fall if anything happened with the IPO, that was their only function. Easily manipulated into doing what the VCs needed done.

  6. Frequent Liar Miles says:

    Nice stretch-rayon pants & bidness lady pumps combo, Rat-teefs. Why?

  7. Woo Detective says:

    Disgusting. Money and connections can indeed get you any damn thing your ugly pointed teeth desire. (See also: her “Broadway” run)

    • Gilly Blake, PowerpussyCEO Gilly (and the entire Cosmos) says:

      She discusses her Broadway run, her children, her “work” in tech, in her stand-up routine. Who gives a crap, other than the friends and hangers-on who showed up for this shitshow?

      • Winchester House of Fauxtoshoots, Microphones & Ghosted Book Deals says:

        Please clap. I image she’ll have to say that a la Jeb at then end of her *show*.

      • Julia's Size 2-4 Dress with Pubic Lice says:

        This is not stand-up. This is ME ME MEEEEEE deluxe.

  8. grammarian says:

    negative charisma. like, please stop talking, i will pay you to please stop talking.

  9. Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

    The dead-eyed licking of someone else’s birthday cake at someone else’s birthday party that she brayed her way into remains one of the most fucked-up things she ever did.

    It kills me when she looks back at those exciting days of her New York life — her zany years between the avenues!!! — and she never ever mentions what a complete asshole she was and is.

  10. Onedegreefromdonkey says:

    I’m really sad this post includes my first cameo on Rbd…I can’t decide if it’s hilarious or mortifying… be mindful of the camera, pictures last forever.

  11. Razzmatazz says:

    I think (hope) that was probably a charity event of some kind.

    • Afghani DADSTER Friend says:

      She’s doing “stand up” but with a slide show of family photos in the background?

      She sang her own version of “part of your world” from the little mermaid at the end. (Don’t worry, I didn’t watch it all–lots of jumping ahead.)

      What the actual f*ck? If people paid for this, I’d be shocked.

      • Gilly Blake, PowerpussyCEO Gilly (and the entire Cosmos) says:

        Is there anyone with a pulse who would want to sit through Randi Suckerberg talking about herself while a slideshow featuring her equally rat-faced husband and two brats is projected behind her? Capped off by a JA-approved Disney show tune? I hope this farce was for a good charity.

  12. So beyond says:

    Zuckberg is a self absorbed dumbass who has lots of money. She has no talent, not in tech, not funny, she hangs off her brothers ass as if she did something at Facebook. While she was there what did she do? Outcomes? Nothing but wasted space her and her kiss ass fan girls like donkey are life suckers. They see a less than pretty husky girl like zuckberg and kiss her ass. That’s why her brother and dr for sister in law disconnect because she is their donkey in the family.

    • Wolf, Hemmingway and Khaat whores says:

      People tolerate her because they want to get close to her brother and the awesome power of Facebook.

      If she was nobody’s sister, she would be yet another unremarkable middle manager in Silicon Valley, one of thousands.

  13. BunnyBingo says:

    I can’t believe I have been following Julia’s online exploits for ten years now.
    Funny to see that she deleted the contents of the ‘[Redacted] and Julia’ website on Valentine’s Day 2008.

  14. Hot Foot Lurch is Not My Guru says:

    I can’t even watch this. Just the idea of it is sickening.

  15. Wolf, Hemmingway and Khaat whores says:

    Seinfeld’s Beacon Theater residency (2o shows!) seems to be failing and I see desperate ads for the show several times a day on my Facebook feed.

    I wonder if these two events are related, i.e. you give Randi a slot in the show and we give you deeply discounted advertising rates.

    (reposting in the right thread)

  16. Helena (The Same Amount of NOT) says:

    I don’t give much of a fuck about Seinfeld, but how is “opening for Jerry Seinfeld” your FIRST GIG? Oyvey indeed.

    Also, I didn’t click the link (but then I rarely do).

  17. Albie Quirky Sending Hugs says:

    RZ is like Judy in this way—she doesn’t know the limits of her own competence. Just like Judy should have hired an “editor” (ghostwriter) for BOOK, so should Randi have hired a “coach” (joke writer) for her standup comedy debut. She could certainly have afforded it!

    • Winchester House of Fauxtoshoots, Microphones & Ghosted Book Deals says:

      I think Judy wanted to hire a ghost for book but parents probably correctly pointed out she was unemployed and could write herself in all that free time and refused to pay. They likely underestimated their own daughter’s laziness and overall lack of talent. But I agree RZ could and should have hired a joke writer as her ego surpasses any amount of talent.

  18. playa con dios says:

    if acting singing standup does not work out, the next logical step is a reality tv show

  19. How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

    Randi Zuckerberg, stand-up comedienne?
    ::rotten tomato toss gif::

  20. Fameless Shamewhore says:

    I can tell that none of you watched it through to the end, because otherwise somebody would have already pointed out that the song that Randi sings at the end of her set is … The Little Mermaid song, made famous in my life at least by Julia Allison’s famous lip dub on the beach! Jules must be so mad.

    • Mrs. Gilly Blake says:

      I can tell that you didn’t read all of the comments because Afghani pointed out The Little Mermaid ditty.

  21. Stalker is the New Swanky Pants says:
  22. ShesJustStupid says:

    Where is Miss Exhuberant Embodiment of LOVE on this, her sacred day?

    • Helena (The Same Amount of NOT) says:

      Humblebrag: I’m not even from a country where this sacred day is a thing (or wasn’t until relatively recently), and I JUST (*literally* ten minutes ago) got two tulips and a kiss on the hand from our security guard “just to say that I like you a lot.” But those are the perks of desk-erranding aka having a JOB, so what do I know about how enlightened donkeys embodying love by taking months long breaks between “projects” celebrate the day.

      • Worrisome Pelts says:

        Even where it is a thing, celebrations vary. Donk is, as always, at the extreme end of the crazy spectrum. My husband and I went to a VDay-themed charity dinner last weekend, but today all I’m doing is taking chocolates to a women’s group I’m meeting with.

        • Helena (The Same Amount of NOT) says:

          Oh, I know her patented V-Day cray has never been representative of the US norm. But I do hope we’ll see a picture of flowers from a mysterious admirer or something this year too. Come on, Embodiment of Love!

          /envious of your chocolates but still realizing it’s nice of you to share them with the group

          • Worrisome Pelts says:

            Oh, phrased that badly. Obviously, you know that not everyone is a Donkey. I just couldn’t resist pointing out that Donkey always ALWAYS manages to act like some kind of poorly programmed robot.

        • Telexfree Antofagasta says:

          Read it as VD Day lol

          Speaking of, what’s up with Shanti?

          • Gilly Blake, PowerpussyCEO Gilly (and the entire Cosmos) says:

            The old raunch has been shooting videos for her new scamsites, Personal Family Lawyer and Creative Business Lawyer. I suspect the first site will aid those who wish to steal their parents’ retirement savings.

            The walking STD has also been shilling a creepy online scamsite about mothers dealing with teens and sex. Oh, and she’s still blithering away about her daddy, and how she’s managed to integrate the masculine and feminine in her wackaloon self:

            “Today, my dad would have been 71. When he died (2004), I discovered a deeper connection to my truth, and shortly thereafter I got divorced and found the feminine part of me that had been long buried and cast aside because I subconsciously felt that was what was required to be connected with my dad.

            And, all I wanted was his love and approval, so I did what was necessary to have it.

            Though I’m not sure he knew it, my dad disdained the feminine. Perhaps the feminine scared him. Or maybe he rejected the feminine because he so longed for a kind of love he didn’t feel from his mother that he decided he would protect himself by rejecting it first.

            Of course, none of this was conscious. Or talked about overtly.

            But, he died hating his mother (likely why he died at the very young age of 58) and would frequently disparage the parts of my mom and sister that exhibited feminine traits.

            So I decided I just wouldn’t have any of those. I would learn to hate the feminine too. And boy, did I. In myself, in other women, in my mom and sister (I love you both so much and I am sorry for all the ways my anger and hatred toward your soft, tender spots was hurtful.)”

            She prattles on for 50 more paragraphs.

          • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

            ‘But, he died hating his mother (likely why he died at the very young age of 58)’

            Subliminal warning (beg?) to le raunchettes …

          • Stalker is the New Swanky Pants says:

            He HATED his MOTHER so he got CANCER and DIED. SUBSCRIBE to my COACHING COURSE and you can CHEAT DEATH AND THE US GOVERNMENT.

      • Handbag Is Merging Her Two Identities says:

        I pray someone presents you with a well made hand towel.

    • Hot Foot Lurch is Not My Guru says:

      Hunkered down in an aisle at Novato Whole Foods scarfing down a handful of free trade chocolate bars.

  23. How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

    SEMI-RELATED: For some I literally laughed for two minutes funny shit, catch the Katherine Ryan bit, IN TROUBLE ONLINE, streaming on Netflix.

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