Updated: Jess Johnson Plays Ria To Donkey’s Jena la Flamme

Of course leering Schmachtenberger loves this picture. He’s hitched to polymorphous, polyamorous bondage queen Roxanne DePalma.

Not to worry, Rain! Any hints of same-sex love are only for all the boys. Just ask Flim Flam as she heads down the aisle today with green card wannabe Sacha Nielsen.

In other news, Madame Tuusaud a Balthazar fingerbanger discovers sugar is poison! Last month on GMA:

http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/video/sugar-diet-author-dave-zinczenko-44408232

Bottom Eyeroller! Ali Shanti makes her “many” friends’ suicides all about Ali:

Just say no!

Update: Of course …

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86 Responses to Updated: Jess Johnson Plays Ria To Donkey’s Jena la Flamme

  1. Theyrrrrre not great says:

    The thing is, I get the references in the headline post…#rbdlife #pleasurablereading #cautionarytales

  2. Telexfree Antofagasta says:

    The rare Wali JFA followed by wall of microtext

    • donkey schoen says:

      In case anyone was wondering about Buddhism’s take on suicide….I love Wali, even when I am tensed and angry.

  3. grammarian says:

    long dress wet and muddy, check

  4. Albie Quirky Sending Hugs says:

    At last Donkey has a friend who’s as eager to do pointless photoshoots as she is! If she finds one more camera junkie, maybe TMI Weakly 2: Woo Harder is in the works. Dare we dream?

  5. BeepBeepBoopBeepBeep. I Am A Robot says:

    They accessorized nicely.

    • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

      By which each of them assumes you’re talking about the other.

    • Grifty Hot Foot Lurch is Not My Guru says:

      I’ll admit to liking Jess’ outfit. Donkey still can’t do Bohemian right.

      • BeepBeepBoopBeepBeep. I Am A Robot says:

        Agreed. Judy is too matchy-matchy and nipped and tucked. Even when she’s not wearing Republican pearls, she’s always wearing Republican pearls.

        • Tingolayo says:

          Nixon at the beach LITERALLY

        • Hot Foot Lurch is Not My Guru says:

          Exactly this.

        • Frequent Liar Miles says:

          Her face is so hard and strained. She looks like she’s pushing fifty. Jess looks pretty good, though. Maybe just by comparison.

          • So beyond says:

            They both look hard on the face, a little exfoliation would do both some good. They both are not aging well, for two loser who do nothing all day they look awful.

        • Never the Bride says:

          I have both of Tom Ford’s “soleil” compacts, and I find that if you just use the highlighter with a bushy brush all over your face, it makes you look dewy.

          Sacha’s bush notwithstanding.

  6. ShesJustStupid says:

    I’m curious about how these woos actually help each other. Why exactly is Jess so magical? It’s just so weird.

    • Gilly Blake, CEO, Donkey Disparagement Industry Gilly (and the entire Cosmos) says:

      Exactly what I asked Cory Tanner Glazier when he told me to give Jess 6k per month because she was changing the world.

      WHAT THE FUCK DOES THIS WOMAN DO, OTHER THAN PLAY A UKE AND SING AS THOUGH SHE’S A CAT BEING STRANGLED?

      • Wolf, Hemmingway and Khaat Whores says:

        I am still having flashbacks about that picture of JJ on New Year’s Eve.

        Can you imagine you go to a NYE party, and you are having a good time, drinking champagne, or whatever, laughing with your friends and, all of a sudden, JJ wearing a peacock suit shows up and starts wailing like a strangled feline?

        Not the best way to start 2017!

  7. Midwestern Verve Clicquot says:

    My newsfeed is filled with the ways Obama has personally or indirectly impacted the lives of all my friends and colleagues, calls to action, and the new information about Trump and Russia. Vapid Donkey is vapid.

    Apparently McCain tried to get Congress to investigate a tip on this a while ago and they shot him down?

  8. Stalker is the New OG stalker says:

    I’ve felt suicidal and then I got some cancer and now I feel like I want to live so that’s an upside i guess. Not to trivialize suicide or cancer.

  9. Winchester House of Fauxtoshoots, Microphones, & Ghosted Book Deals says:

    “You take care dear heart” just posted a picture of grandson on Instagram. Julia smiling so smug on the beach, holding hands with the grifter/sister du jour is laughable at best.

  10. Princess WideStance says:

    Lord, these two were made for each other. They will forever sit at the kid’s table of life.

  11. Energy Pussy (brought to you by BIG TAMPON) says:

    I think Donk is Ria in this iteration.

  12. Bunsy says:

    Man, Dave Z not aging too well. He’s giving off sort of a “Billy Bush” vibe here.

    Still, sugar: bad!

  13. Razzmatazz says:

    Woo Age Suicide (Don’t Do It)

  14. Telexfree Antofagasta says:

    Wait, did she secretly marry Phuturepenniless or something?

  15. melting marionette says:

    no skirt pull? disappointed.

  16. Sacred Scrapbooks says:

    Looks like cousin Jess and Aunt Judy got tipsy at the country club.

  17. Fameless Shamewhore says:

    Julia’s latest FB post. I love the way she criticises humble brags while humble bragging about being in CR. It’s so meta.

    I haven’t checked my Facebook news feed for two weeks since I’ve been in Costa Rica. Two *EXTREMELY PEACEFUL* weeks where I didn’t hear anything about the politician whose name shall not be mentioned, or any other fear based topic or humble brag or whatever other crap people post.

    Given how much better I feel, I’m seriously considering just not checking it ever again.

    Related: I also very much want to move to Costa Rica. Facebook is just not very exciting
    when you can surf your way through a sunset.

    • Winchester House of Faxutoshoots, Microphones & Ghosted Book Deals says:

      I’m always amazed at the fact that people don’t realize that if any one of us left the internet no one would notice or care, especially Julia. She’s also so full of shit, what’s she going to do when ILYR isn’t there to dance for her like a monkey like he was in CR for the last two weeks? He has a somewhat job & she’s a bored housewife without actually being one.

    • Frequent Liar Miles says:

      Go for it, Donkey, since Dadsers is footin’ the bill.*

      *and realizes that whatever the cost, it’s an incredible bargain for you to be far far away.

      • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

        That last line is telling — all her life consists of now is facebooking & braycationing & lying about how frequently she facebooks while on those Dad$er-funded braycations.

    • Midwestern Verve Clicquot says:

      Oh, was a Donkey triggered by our commentary on her vapidity? How nice that she can afford to not worry about Donald Trump. Privileged Donkey is privileged. What’s that line about remaining neutral in situations of injustice?

      Can one be an SJW without a fight? Social Justice Layabout?

    • ShesJustStupid says:

      Like her uncoordinated clopping ass could ever surf. I suspect this is her passive aggressive response to all the baby and marriage news that was undoubtedly on her fb feed.

    • Because, for fucks sake. says:

      Huge eye roll to all of that but especially this:

      “Related: I also very much want to move to Costa Rica. Facebook is just not very exciting
      when you can surf your way through a sunset.”

      • Tingolayo says:

        “Hey, everyone who’s reading my Facebook post: unlike you, I have better things to do than post on Facebook.”

        ??? Her lack of self awareness (and job) is incredible.

        Neenur neenur neenur, all you losers who post crap about their new puppies and the tomatoes they grew and the their child’s first day of kindergarten… I don’t post such crap! I post non-crappy, extremely relevant photos of my 35-year-old diaper ass leaping into the air in a plastic costume.

    • Catfish with a side of loathing says:

      CWAA!!! Not so humble brag white privilege off the charts!

  18. LickedRandisCake says:

    Shouldn’t it be Flim Flom? You know, rhymes with bomb!

  19. Stalker is the New OG stalker says:

    I wish Wali would come comment here, he’s phat.

  20. BeepBeepBoopBeepBeep. I Am A Robot says:

    I need photos of the epic marriage of Jena and Sascha! I’m sure it was pagan and involved loincloths and moontimes.

    • Gilly Blake, CEO, Donkey Disparagement Industry Gilly (and the entire Cosmos) says:

      Witchy bachelorette party fauxtos coming soon!

    • Tingolayo says:

      I wonder how much they charged their friends for tickets to their wedding.

    • Wolf, Hemmingway and Khaat whores says:

      Drinking game for the slideshow.

      Have a drink every time you see:
      1) ILYR’s carefully manscaped chest
      2) A culturally inappropriate headdress
      3) Jess wailing to an out-of-tune instrument
      4) A hat with horns
      5) Smellsberg greasy curls
      6) Sacha’s bush
      7) Ali Shanti’s turkey feathers
      8) Ali Shanti grabbing a man
      9) A person who likes to be called Rainbow
      10) ILYR abs
      11) Two women in a sexually suggestive situation
      12) An unqualified sex therapist
      13) Ugly feet

      Drink responsibly. RBD is not liable for alcohol poisoning in perpetuity throughout the universe.

  21. My Tribe Doesn't Have an Easy-To-Spell Name So White Girls Never Appropriate us says:

    So. Much. Unearned. Privilege. It makes me rage. How nice for the pretty white people to just log off of FB and thus avoid all of the negative horrible stuff happening in their country, because it isn’t directly impacting them in their offline lives. How. Fucking. Privileged. Meanwhile, my company is preparing layoff packets for more than a thousand employees because of the negative impact they expect from a Trump presidency. Our CEO went to a C-suite boot camp recently, and reports that that is all they all talked about: how to cut staff to keep their companies afloat.

    • Gilly Blake, CEO, Donkey Disparagement Industry Gilly (and the entire Cosmos) says:

      How dare you! Layabout Donkey deserves a pretty sunset each and every night, paid for, of course, by Peter Baugher.

      These people suck.

    • ShesJustStupid says:

      Just curious–why are all these companies afraid of Trump? Taxes?

      • Stalker is the New trump russian hooker sex tape story says:

        His tariff “idea” … it can’t really be called a policy because it’s incoherent… would be disastrous. His foreign relations are already disastrous. That’s a start of a guess.

    • Because, for fucks sake. says:

      I think most of the woos probably didn’t even bother to vote. But in the case of Julia and Ali, I can’t shake the idea that when they were alone with their ballot they went right ahead and voted for Trump.

      • Midwestern Verve Clicquot says:

        I can actually see both of them doing a “protest” non-vote more than Trump.

    • Winchester House of Faxutoshoots, Microphones & Ghosted Book Deals says:

      I’m gonna call bullshit on that right now. Layoffs are a direct reflection of executive mismanagement where the company ignored legit employee complaints or concersn . That’s just spin from your company that doesn’t want to take accountability. Still sucks…a lot and I’m very sorry for each of any employee who’s part of a company-wide downsizing. The idea your CEO needed a C-Suite boot camp is a pretty good indication he’s mismanaged your company long before Trump came along.

      That’s NOT a Trump endorsement but companies need to be accountable to their employees. Call them out!

  22. Wolf, Hemmingway and Khaat whores says:

    So living in Costa Rica in a perpetual vacation seems like fun?

    What an AMAZEBALLS insight!

    All those enlightenment retreats were worth every penny.

    Thank you, Petey!

  23. cakez says:

    EVEN BUDDHISM.

Comments are closed.