Does Julia Allison Want To Be Smellsberg’s Kinky Valentine?

kittenwithawhip

Donkey’s definitely on sabbatical from social media and working diligently on that myriad of “creative projects.” She just gave the greasy gargoyle a FB thumbs up on his latest folly:

The kink adventure continues. I’m thrilled that The Stockroom University–one of the nation’s most established kink education venues–has invited me to teach their Valentine’s class in LA, “Be My Kinky Valentine!” I’ll be assisted by the stunning Surka Noelle (below) [eds. above], as the class’s professional submissive demo model.

Here’s the write-up of the 2-hour workshop: “Have you been curious about introducing kink into your relationship but don’t know where to begin? Are you afraid that it might not go well with a new partner? With so many choices, styles, and terminologies, getting started can feel intimidating.

“This class will give you all the tools you need to get started. Bring a partner to help you better explore the world of negotiation, boundaries, consent, spanking, flogging, role play, dirty talk and much more.

“This workshop is designed for all beginners of any genders, in any relationship style. From monogamous partnerships, to poly dynamics, or even that first date– break the ice and join in on the fun.”

Shouldn’t he be paying participants to watch his nasty self manhandle some poor woman with daddy issues? Vom in the shower and vom again, though Jena La Jerk just commented, “Impressive!”

bigjerk

Bottom Fan in the ‘Stan: Nachos!

nachos

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109 Responses to Does Julia Allison Want To Be Smellsberg’s Kinky Valentine?

  1. darling-dearest with softness says:

    Bottom photo should be a big ol plate of nachos.

  2. Not! Random! says:

    First date kink, eh? Sounds like a great premise for an SUV episode.

  3. Epictetus Joke says:

    The benefits of a Brown education.

    • Bunsy says:

      I was just thinking that. He gets a hotshot Brown education and all the advantages in the world, and teaches bullshit courses at “the Stockroom University…” (?)
      Way to go, entitled white guy.

    • AWO says:

      Brown & Georgetown grads #nevahire

      • What the what...? says:

        Yeah, when it comes time for the kiddos college applications any mention of Brown, Georgetown, and even Stanford will be mailed to the North Pole.

      • Not! Random! says:

        Once upon a time I was a high school punk who thought it would be super cool to turn down better schools and go hang out with Pussy Galore down in Providence. I even applied early. I still shiver at the bullet dodged. #scaredstraight.

    • Aggressively Stupid says:

      I feel like I’m being rung.

  4. Pass the Nachos Please says:

    Sex educator, my ass. There are so many other talented people who could teach the course, even Alton Busey. Stockroom should know better, FFS.

    “His 4th book, a sex memoir, is coming soon.” Nachoosssssss

    https://www.facebook.com/events/156320208073892/

    • Winchester House of Fauxtoshoots, Microphones & Book Deals says:

      His fourth “bestselling,’ in his own mind. I’m so over these morons who all deserve one another, preferably all on an island, set for the next hydrogen bomb demo.

    • ks says:

      sex memoir? my god.. so embarrassing.. and also off the charts narcissistic! as if anyone would want to imagine sex from the POV of a sweaty, ugly manlet troll. “uhhhhhfff.. then I pulled out my microdick… hnnnnnnffffff…. then I asked her politely to look at it.. ooooooohhhhhhh… then I looked in her eyes for 3 hours straight… OoooOoooo”

      its enough to make his ex wife switch teams.

      • Bride of Donkenstein (The Me I Am When I'm With You) says:

        why does it feel like bugs crawling all over my skin to read this

  5. Aaron Schock needs Beard says:

    Boring, sounds like a suburban thing.
    Don’t people just Google shit now?
    Is this like the Learning Annex? Ugh.

    • Lily's 3rd Eye says:

      I know right? I can perv out without paying for special snowflake honky normcore training, KTHXBYE.

      • Frequent Liar Miles says:

        I’d assume most of the attendees are there for potential hookups. And are doubtless disappointed.

        • Bunsy says:

          Well, if he’s the teacher… (what could they possibly expect)

          • Albie Quirky in Exile says:

            The audience will likely be mostly equally gross wannabe doms hoping that lots of cute lady subs will be in attendance.

    • AnnaPelt Is Happy at 138 says:

      Generally, sex acts have been a “learn as you go” activity for me personally. But if people want to give Smells money…

      • Wolf, Hemmingway and Khaat Whores says:

        That’s the #1 problem I have with the woos: they ruin EVERYTHING.

        Drugs? Not fun, they must be about self-discovery (the only kind of discovery the woos care about), and experiences and community and staying a week in a dusty RV in the desert because Burning fucking Man.

        Fucking around with a lot of people? No, it’s not fucking around, it’s called polyamory and every encounter must be endlessly discussed and analyzed, because what could be more interesting?

        And now… kinky sex! It must be *learned* and studied and endlessly dissected.

        What a bunch of boring losers!

        • Stalker is the New 5150 says:

          The problem I have with them is they claim expertise in things that pretty much everyone has figured out (how to get high, how to have a nice orgasm) and then they ENDLESSLY trumpet how awesome they are at these really pretty boring things. They’re not particularly good at making, say, light but strong fishing nets or anything that would be difficult and useful.

          It’s like if I lived near a beach and wanted to share my HARD EARNED EXPERTISE at picking up shells. Any bozo can do what Shanti or Ellsberg does. Shanti can spend money and fuck. Ellberg can get high on his own fumes and fuck. It’s not much of an accomplishment.

        • Lily's 3rd Eye says:

          Exxxxxactly!

  6. Winchester House of Fauxtoshoots, Microphones & Book Deals says:

    Remind me again why anyone would take financial advice from this clown? Oh yeah, his dad something remarkable; and, he’s an entitled asshole.

  7. Goodnight, Wangs says:

    I love how she’s “focusing on creative projects” and NOT ON FACEBOOK but is on there enough to lurk and like her friends status updates!!

    Transparent Donkey is transparant.

    Where do you guys think she is living these days? Chicago? Oh to be a spider on the wall during The Great Move Out Getting Lease Terminated due to Illegal Airbnbing at the SF donkey pad!

    • bobluv's sideways-facing fanni pack (brother in-law to his forward-facing fanni pack) says:

      not sure about that one, but the following is a transcript from holiday talk for past 10 years

      …well, dear, you know you’re going on ___ years old now, and…

    • Winchester House of Fauxtoshoots, Microphones & Book Deals says:

      I think shit’s in storage and it’s “sofa city sweetheart,” until she can find a new place with someone willing to have the lease in their name only. Good luck with that or there’s always hope that daddy’ll strap on a cape and swoop in with the rescue.

    • How Brayella Got Her H00ve Back says:

      She must owe somebody money, or at least an explanation, & that’s why she’s dodging contact via FB mssgs. Someone distant enough to not have her ph#.

      If she’s back in Chicago, some of the woos surely know — wonder how Donk is spinning that shit. Helping Mom$er? Heh, right; this is the same thunder cunt who didn’t help Mom$er pack up the grandfather’s belongings, even though she was in CA at the time, couch-surfing & fiddling her hooves. Helping Dad$er? No, scratch that; this is the same ditch pig who videos the old man shoveling snow. Babysitting the nephew? Over Allie’s dead body.

      • Aggressively Stupid says:

        I think she is in Chicago and off Facebook because she doesn’t know how to spin it yet. If she had been anywhere in the SF Bay area she wouldn’t have missed Smellesberg’s book launch. Little trifles like running into an ex or not being invited have never bothered A Donkey before.

        Also, who would she being staying with in SF? Most of the time it seems like people are barely tolerating her. If she had landed on the couch of anyone on the woo crowd she would be posting up a storm thanking her “sisters” and “tribe” for their support or some such shit.

        • Grifty Shades of Bray says:

          I was thinking she may not have even moved out of the condo yet. She said she had to be out by mid January, which would be this week, and we know how she procrastinates. She may have missed the Smellsberg event because she didn’t buy his books, or because of awkwardness with Rain, or because she didn’t want to answer difficult questions about her non-book. But then again, she could’ve been asked those same questions at the New Year’s Eve party, too.

          Who knows? I suspect she will end up in Chicago for a while this time to lick her wounds and figure out “What’s the Plan Now, Julia?” It may be wishful thinking on my part, but I hope for her sake her parents are making her earn enough on her own before she can move out again. It’s about damn time she grows up.

          • Aggressively Stupid says:

            I’m pretty sure the only question asked at that New Year’s Eve party was “Can you pass the lube?”

          • Albie Quirky in Exile says:

            Ugh ugh ugh ugh but you are right.

            I wonder how many people at that party brought home crabs?

      • Not! Random! says:

        Maybe she is dodging St. Martin’s demand that she return the advance.

        • Albie Quirky in Exile says:

          I presume she turned in something (based on the foreign rights solicitation that said her manuscript was available), in which case she gets to keep whatever they paid her so far.

          • Grifty Shades of Bray says:

            So weird she never announced it on her Facebook page though! You’d think that this would be something we would never have heard the end of.

            Unless they rejected it as unfixable. I assume but am not certain that manuscripts can be rejected if the publisher wants to pass on all the work it would take to whip a submitted book into shape. I didn’t even have to rewrite any of mine, just accept or reject some pretty light edits. I wonder what happens if they get something they absolutely hate?

          • Winchester House of Fauxtoshoots, Microphones & Book Deals says:

            AQ could you dumb this down for me, please? Is a manuscript different than a book? I thought it went proposal then book; and actually, before coming here, I thought it was just book sent directly on to publishers. You all live in a complex world of editors, agents, and publishers that I’m not sure I’ll ever fully understand.

          • Albie Quirky in Exile says:

            When they get something they hate, they pretty much just pull the plug. As long as you turn in a reasonable amount of pages with typing on them, they’re not going to take you to court to get the advance back—the Joan Collins case was an expensive lesson for publishers in that.

            So the manuscript is what the author sends in, Winchester. The “book”, strictly speaking, is what comes out of the editing process.

          • Albie Quirky in Exile says:

            Also, I have had the plug pulled on a book (sadface) and nobody even hinted at wanting their money back. At my level, or at what we presume was Julie’s level based on the deal announcement, the advance is one of the cheapest parts of the process.

          • Winchester House of Fauxtoshoots, Microphones & Book Deals says:

            “…with typing on them…” made me laugh because it made me think of JA turning in photo album. Thank you so much for the clarification, it’s truly a fascinating process, and the only reason I’m sad to see BOOK die.
            Please let us know who we need to hunt down for pulling the plug on one of your books. I can’t imagine an industry that doesn’t want money back (I kid), but then where is the bulk of the expense in publishing a book? The actual printing? Sorry for so many questions, I like the analytics of the process.

          • Albie Quirky in Exile says:

            This agent has a pretty good overview as of 2008. Ebooks are a much bigger slice of the market now, but on the other hand paper costs are way up, so the figures might add up similarly.

            So it’s bottom-line cheaper for them to let Julie keep her $15K or whatever than to throw good money after bad and release a flopperoo. It’s also an image investment not to release too many shitty and unpopular books.

            I had two books die on me, actually. One was a work for hire in a series where a new editor came in and wanted to take the series in a different direction. Since I had already done the writing bit and it was a work for hire, there was no issue about my check (laughably small in any case).

            The other one was with a small press and it was a novel that was about sex but fairly icky (I mean, I meant it to be icky, because it was about a sexually abusive relationship) and again it was a change of editorship that sank my boat. But since the advance was even more laughably small, no1curred about getting it back.

            I may still self-pub that one, though I will probably have to include complementary NACHOS with each copy.

            I am so lucky to have a husband who is a computer whisperer, because I have pretty horrific professional luck as a writer. Sadface!

          • Albie Quirky in Exile says:

            COMPLIMENTARY, not complementary! Such professional, much writer, so editor.

          • Winchester House of Fauxtoshoots, Microphones & Book Deals says:

            Thank you! I always learn so much from you and the basement.

  8. bobluv's sideways-facing fanni pack (brother in-law to his forward-facing fanni pack) says:

    not sure about that one, but the following is a transcript from holiday talk for past 10 years

    …well, dear, you know you’re going on ___ years old now, and…

  9. Albie Quirky in Exile says:

    Thank you for the much-needed nachos.

    He is a wimpy, whiny, poorly groomed weasel. Not my idea of dom material.

    • Mrs. Gilly Blake says:

      I’d prefer Dave Bautista. I don’t imagine Smellsberg’s taken a lap around the gym since 8th grade and doubt he’d even have the strength to lift a cat o’ nine tails.

      • Grifty Shades of Bray says:

        I hate to go down the body snark route, but I just feel compelled to in this case, because if you’re going to be promoting yourself some sort of enlightened sex instructor, then at least try to fulfill that role credibly. I mean, just look at that picture of him at the book launch where you can see every paunchy, flabby, sad part of him through his clothes. Obviously he is no male model, but it could at least not hurt to get himself in acceptable physical shape before he starts pimping himself out as some sort of sex guru. Greg knows he has enough time on his hands. It seems the women that he’s choosing to work with are making a little bit of an effort on their part. Right now he’s looking more like the male version of Pamela Madsen.

    • ks says:

      right? he looks more like a gross pervert type who you see coming out of an adult bookstore wearing only a brown trenchcoat with oily stains..

  10. grammarian says:

    i firmly (see what i did there) believe that the infinite yuck of kink is for impotent men and frigid women.

    • Fell off the Rainbow Raft says:

      Somewhere in December my usually overactive sex drive drove off in the middle of the night and I haven’t seen it since. Bf and I have turned it into an adventure to see if we can bring it back before I go see a dr. Kink was on the “maybe if nothing else works” list but I don’t think either of us could do it with a straight face.

    • Stalker is the New 5150 says:

      I don’t know, I like a nice blindfold or whatever. Kink can be fun. I just hate how PUBLIC all these people are. WE GET IT, YOU HAD SEX OK. Sex is a pleasure that pretty much every adult in the world has participated in. I don’t need anyone but my own personal partner teaching me how to suck eggs. Or lick balls, as it were.

      The constant exhibitionism makes me feel like I’m a non-consenting participant and that I hate.

      • Albie Quirky in Exile says:

        Yes yes yes yes this. It all feels very braggy from this crowd and self-consciously “freaking the mundanes.”

      • grammarian says:

        consenting adults in their own homes, whatevs. on facebook: i will point and laugh, and i will judge.

    • Not! Random! says:

      Well now you are just playing right into Smellburg’s hands, you unenlightened basement dwellers. The catman and I are neither impotent nor frigid, but we are both into the occasional kink and yeah, it’s pretty amazing. But Stalker is right: it would be gross to broadcast our boudoir adventures to the world, and we don’t need a cookie. Great sex is its own reward.

      • Stalker is the New 5150 says:

        Great sex is its own reward.

        Exactly. Which makes me thing MEllsberg et al. do not have great or even good sex.

      • Lily's 3rd Eye says:

        Seconded. Also, just FYI, ‘ frigid’ women as any kind of mainstream idea peaked in the 50’s and died about 30 years ago. The last time I heard someone call a woman ‘frigid’ it was some high school kid insulting Sally Draper on Mad Men for rejecting his creepy advances- in 1971 .

    • Handbag Is Merging Her Two Identities says:

      This is a really weird thing to say about the sex lives of other people. And your comment that Ariel White is FAT? Are you having an exceptionally bad day?

      • grammarian says:

        fine, thnx.

        i don’t care what people do.

        when they post about it, i reserve the right to my opinion

        also, if you’re posting pix trying to be sex-ay, i reserve the right to snark.

        • Not! Random! says:

          Fair enough to insult attention whores. But you just labeled all kinksters impotent/frigid, and all size 4 women fat.

        • Not! Random! says:

          But I’ll give you are break because we’re all in a funk over losing BOOK.

        • Winchester House of Fauxtoshoots, Microphones & Book Deals says:

          I’ve found that people who drone on and on about how great their sex life is, it’s really just an insecurity where they’re trying to convince themselves more so than anyone else. Mesh shirt has an inferiority complex, is blatantly intimidated by women and extremely insecure, especially when it comes to sex (cue the constant public persona).
          The woo are famous for their selective tolerance or support my preference while I shame you for having a different preference. Ali Shanti’s “let me fuck your husband, but as the wife, if don’t approve, I will unfairly shame you publically,” is the latest in a long line of examples. Wasn’t this the chick (on the rocks) the who came here and tried to shame people into thinking that unless they agreed with her, they were sexually repressed? I don’t care if lays across rocks half naked, but if she wants shame others for not wanting to lay across rocks naked (or whatever the previous argument was) it correctly opens her and others like her up for criticisms. These people are no different than the religious freaks who want to push their beliefs on people; and, then get offended when rebuffed.

        • Wolf, Hemmingaway and Khaat Whores says:

          If you publish a picture of yourself splayed over some rocks, wearing minimal sexy underwear & 1 lb of makeup, we have a DUTY to make all sort of snarky comments. We MUST point out it is a bad idea, we owe it to the younger generation of men and women out there

          Fat, whorish, stupid, extremely poor judgement, they are all very valid comments to that picture.

      • MY wet spot says:

        Thank you, Handbag.

  11. Donkey Schoen says:

    Are you afraid it might not go well with a new partner?
    Hmmm. I’ve been married for quite a while but back in my dating years, I was way more worried about passing gas in front of a new partner.

  12. How Brayella Got Her H00ve Back says:

    Okay, this is bugging the crap out of me …

    From linebacker neck to sharpei pit, is this form even anatomically possible? http://s27.postimg.org/kwg1i6i4z/another_fauxtochoppe_fail.png

    • Aggressively Stupid says:

      She’s bracing her neck (therefore flexing all the muscles in her neck) to hold that “sexy” pose. She also appears to have real breast that fall to the sides when laying back and is wearing a bra to try to corral them back into an unnatural position.

      • How Brayella Got Her H00ve Back says:

        I guess you’re right, but it just looks so damn weird to me, & try as I may to contort like that, I can’t get all that going at one time.

        • Aggressively Stupid says:

          Definitely looks weird. I don’t understand why she’s balancing on the back of that bench when she could be a bit more comfortable, and natural looking laying on the bench.

  13. RollsRoyceRevenge says:

    Perhaps I am just jealouz but for some reason I can’t quite identify, the woman in the top picture does not seem to me to be sexy at all.

    I think it is the grim, stony “Hurry up and get it over with” facial expression.

    • BeepBeepBoopBeepBeep. I Am A Robot says:

      Plus that dirty rug in front of the fire on which Debbie flicked Julia’s clit is getting a lot of action!

    • bobluv's sideways-facing fanny pack (brother in-law to the forward-facing fanny pack) says:

      you are correct

      and the sight of that foreign-matter-embedded furry pelt bench (or whatever it is on which she is laying) does not make things any sexier

  14. What the what...? says:

    All of these “kink workshops”…. Isn’t it pretty much “Pay me a bunch of money to watch me get off with some woman who has no self esteem and needs money? Oh and if I’m lucky I’ll get a bunch of you to join in and you’ll have paid ME! Yay ME”

    It’s all super Rapey/Craigslist personals like to me.

    • Grifty Shades of Bray says:

      Right? Got to hand it to the guy, for someone so unattractive, he’s figured out a con that works. Only does he get laid, he gets paid for it and sets himself up as some sort of guru. Maybe he’s been taking lessons from Marc Gafni.

      • Bride of Donkenstein (The Me I Am When I'm With You) says:

        And in another five years we’ll see him “turn over a new leaf” like that one slimeball pick up artist guy, marry some dimwit 24 year old, knock her up, act like he’s the first and only man in the world to have sired a sprog, and write a whole new memoir about how he’s emerging from the spiritual wasteland of promiscuity and into caring, sensitive adulthood.

        he is as boringly, tragically predictable as he is repellant

      • Never the Bride says:

        Gafni showed up on my scientology blog the other day. I love it when worlds collide.

    • Malformed Face says:

      Yes. The woman Michael Ellsberg did a porno with was a victim of sexually abuse — I mean, I’m not judging how people work through their trauma but I’d think such an “enlightened” guy like Michael Ellsberg might have thought twice before involving her in a porn. Though, maybe I look after my friends differently.

  15. The Magical Keyboard Cover says:

    How many genders does Smelly think exist?

    • RollsRoyceRevenge says:

      Those with penises.
      Those with vaginas.
      Those without gag reflexes.

      The third category is his target audience.

  16. Bride of Donkenstein (The Me I Am When I'm With You) says:

    here is some classy vintage eye bleach as an antidote to those pics of Buffalo Shill

    http://mydaguerreotypeboyfriend.tumblr.com/

    gaze upon these actually attractive men and do not despair, my sweet basement friends

    • Lily's 3rd Eye says:

      Ha, these olde tyme dudes are cute if they are anything like hot olde tymeTom Hiddleston’s character in Crimson Peak they’ll always be trying to drag you off to a rotting mansion needing endless renovations….

  17. ks says:

    where can one obtain the ellesberg porno? I gotta see that shit.

    • Mrs. Gilly Blake says:

      You must have a cast-iron stomach.

      • Albie Quirky in Exile says:

        ks is the hero we need, if not the hero we deserve.

        Was it ever actually released anywhere, though? I am too nauseated by the Ellsbergian prose to find anything on his website.

    • Wonkeye says:

      Watching an Ellsberg porn would be just slightly less repulsive than watching a sex tape starring my parents. I hope my poor eyes never have to suffer through either scenario.

    • Morrocanwear with Antlers and a Nose Ring says:

      ks, you need to save those nickels! Just imagining about one square inch of Ellsberg’s gross greasy skin, draped in culturally ridiculous fabric, makes me quietly yelp…”Nachos! Nachos! Nachos!”

      • Never the Bride says:

        The bottom photo of nachos was actually pretty gross and made me not want to eat nachos anymore. sad face emoticon.

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