OK Cupid Matches “Traumatized” Cat Lady With Smellsberg! Ashton, How Can We Help?

dancing man

She doesn’t want anyone to know her name. Not even her RBD screen name. And who can blame her? Not when this heretofore happy Bay Area dweller logged on to OK Cupid this morning and discovered Michael Ellsberg to be a 93% match. The greasy gargoyle’s profile:

Badass writer with a sensitive soul. Devoted to discovering truths about the human heart–in all its infinite light and dark–and expressing them out loud. I want to dive into a love worthy of writing: a love that leaves us astonished, exalted, trembling at the mystery of it all. Or at least, a love that leaves us with a good story 😉

I was born in San Francisco, raised in Berkeley, and educated at Brown. I’ve lived a good part of my adult life in New York City, paying my dues as a writer, and have just moved back to my hometown.

I’m one of those rare writers: I support myself comfortably from my art and passion. It wasn’t always that way; I definitely lived the “starving artist” life in my 20s, but since then I’ve built a career for myself that I’m proud of, writing books about entrepreneurship, creativity, and self-education. I’m hard at work on a fourth book, a book on sex and conscious kink (ask me the details 😉

I’m intensely introspective, yet at the same time (situationally) hyper-social and extroverted. I have wide and deep communities, in artistic and entrepreneurial circles in NYC, SF and LA, which I’ve built over years through my obsession with meeting as many exceptional people as possible and connecting them to each other to forge tribe.

My writing has been published all over the place, including in the New York Times, Forbes.com, Time.com, and in books from Penguin and HarperCollins.

Spirituality: why is “witch” not an option in any of the spirituality-related OKC Match Questions??!!

I’ve experimented with a lot of psychedelics in my life, and am an experienced psychonaut and explorer of the inner realms. I tend to prefer people who have tried psychedelics at least a few times in their life. At the current moment, however, I’m in a sober period, enjoying getting high and expanding my consciousness naturally.

I’ve done the Burning Man thing extensively earlier in my 30s; while I’m grateful for the wonder, learning, and expansion I had there–and my times there shaped who I am today in important ways–I feel “complete” with my Burning Man experience for now.

Spending lots of money to spew carbons into the air (as the global ecosystem collapses) for a week of nihilistic partying in the desert just doesn’t appeal to me anymore. Especially as I’m leaning more towards sobriety. Also, I’ve come to find the BM pictures that people post to their Facebook (which I once posted ad infinitum as well) repetitive and predictable, all blending together as if it is a new form of conformity. I’d rather re-create the undeniable magic of the playa, beyond the playa, in my day-to-day life and in my home communities. These are just my preferences, though. I have no problem if you’re really into BM right now, and if we hit if off, you just might convince me to go with you 😉

Oh, and you might ask, of all places in the Bay, “Why Alameda?” Good question! 1) I live in my own unit in a beautiful home, and upstairs live a married couple, who are also two of my closest friends; the home is a focal point for our Bay Area tribe, and I love the mix of autonomy and community this arrangement offers. 2) I literally live on the water. As in, there are sailboats bobbing in the bay right beyond my back porch, and I walk along the water every day from my front door. Island living–surprisingly hard to come by in the Bay!

I believe that every relationship is an adventure, and a journey, and that each one lasts exactly as long as it is supposed to–from months to years to a lifetime–in order for us to learn what we were meant to learn from each other and share what we were meant to share with each other; if it ends, hopefully we’ll be great friends after. So it never really ends. As long as our hearts are open and we are present to each other, and communicating openly and honestly, then our connection will be perfect exactly as it is.

What I’m doing with my life
Writing books that change people’s lives, inspire people to think differently about important topics, and bring joy and inspiration. I want to have published ten before I die, and I want at least one of them to be my “legacy” book– the one I’m remembered for. I think the one I’m working on now might be my best shot at that so far.

I’m really good at
I’m known for the parties I throw, which combine creative social curation (arts, entrepreneurship, personal development, spirituality) with wellness, sensuality, exploration of consciousness, and badass all-night music and dancing.

I’ve been some form of poly in most of my committed relationships, and it’s always run exceptionally smoothly. Which means, I’ve learned how to be a very good communicator regarding boundaries, consent, desires, and expectations (yours and mine.) I take honesty, transparency and consent in relationships really seriously.

I’ve been salsa dancing since I was a teen and am a strong lead on the dance floor; I used to teach Cuban salsa professionally.

I speak fluent Spanish. I’ve lived in Barcelona, Buenos Aires, and have travelled widely in Latin America. I have visited and studied dance in Cuba three times, and Cuban culture and music is a big part of my life.

I’m part of the kink world and co-teach a workshop called “Dominance for Nice Guys,” with feminist porn star and sex educator Nina Hartley. I write openly about kink and poly on my Facebook.

Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Music: I’m obsessed with the Bay Area singer/songwriter Adey. (OMG look up her albums “Rogue” and “Vesica” on Bandcamp–listening to her music is a spiritual experience for me; she’s a witchy one.) I’m a friend of hers and volunteer as her “Chief of Fan Magic.”

Susheela Raman’s “Salt Rain” is an exquisite album; go find it if you haven’t listened to this gem before. As is “Ascenseur pour l’échafaud” by Miles Davis.

Otherwise, I’m passionate about danceable, sensuous psychedelic downtempo, including: Phutureprimitive, Desert Dwellers, Bluetech, Beats Antique, Shpongle, Kalya Scintilla, and other aural messengers of psychonautical soundwaves. And of course, los reyes de la salsa Cubana: Juan Formell y Los Van Van.

Books: “The Surrender” by Toni Bentley; “Breaking Open the Head: A Psychedelic Journey into the Heart of Contemporary Shamanism,” by Daniel Pinchbeck, who is one of my favorite authors, and is also a close friend; “The Truth: An Uncomfortable Book About Relationships” by Neil Strauss; “Witches, Midwives, & Nurses: A History of Women Healers” by Barbara Ehrenreich and Deirdre English; anything by Noam Chomsky; most books by David Deida, though I haven’t drunk his Kool-Aid totally (I find his gender essentialism outdated); “The Antichrist” by Nietzsche; “The Gift” by Hafiz (stunning poetry); “Romancero Gitano” by Federico García Lorca; “Post-Porn Modernist” by Annie Sprinkle; “Cuffed, Tied and Satisfied” by Jaiya; “This Changes Everything: Capitalism vs. The Climate” by Naomi Klein; my father’s memoir “Secrets: A Memoir of Vietnam and the Pentagon Papers”; and my books–“The Education of Millionaires” and “The Last Safe Investment” (just sayin’ 😉

Movies: Secretary; Midnight in Paris; Vicky Cristina Barcelona; Adaptation; Easy Rider; Children of Men; Sideways; Bowfinger; What Women Want; Her; Six Degrees of Separation; Ex Machina; Man on Wire; Century of the Self; Tierra y Libertad; After Hours; The Most Dangerous Man in America: Daniel Ellsberg and the Pentagon Papers

The six things I could never do without
Love; vibrant health; meaning; writing; wisdom; adventure; mind-blowing sex. Oh, that’s seven. Well, I can’t figure out one to cut.

I spend a lot of time thinking about
My next book; love; relationships; community; my tribe; business & entrepreneurship; the ecological crisis; women’s empowerment.

The future is female: I consider myself a feminist and an enemy of patriarchy; I express this primarily through the way I treat the women in my life, my support for their empowerment, and my unabashed stand for their greatness and full expression in the world.

On a typical Friday night I am
Hosting a raucous party; out salsa dancing; curled up reading a book; or looking into your eyes.

You should message me if
You’re ready for a soul-adventure; you’e OK if love leaves you a little bewildered, as long as it opens your heart and stretches your passion; you like your men on the complex and enigmatic side, so long as they are present to you; you think writers are sexy and romantic; you’re ready to be fully *seen* and *met* by a man, finally; you want a man to explore depths of your mind and soul that you didn’t even know were there; you want to support him in going deeper into his own power; you’re not ashamed of you’re own sensuality; you love men and want a man, not a boy, in your life; you like a man who knows himself, who has lived his life thoroughly, through all the ups and downs, and who has never stopped learning or loving.”

An experienced psychonaut? Jesus. No wonder our dear cat compatriot is experiencing a crisis and is “off to fully re-examine my life as I am clearly failing in a big way.” How can we help? Start a Go Fund Me account? Just name it!

bum

Bottom Fan in the ‘Stan: Fuat Özkandaş!

faut

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177 Responses to OK Cupid Matches “Traumatized” Cat Lady With Smellsberg! Ashton, How Can We Help?

  1. LakeWooBeGone says:

    Dear Anonymous Catlady, My condolences. Has he told you, “We are NOT breaking UP.”? Because that would be worrisome. PS May I show you?

  2. LakeWooBeGone says:

    By the way, I was a 93% match with BOOK on OK Cupid. . . . . .

  3. How Brayella Got Her H00ve Back says:

    Contrary to his claim(s), smEllsberg seems to be doing w/out “vibrant health” …
    Pictures do not lie.

    Poor, traumatized Cat Lady! I gag for you.

  4. Dawn "Tribe of Insufficient Funds" Kiebals says:

    See James Bond battle his next super villainous nemesis, Fuat Özkandaş, in “You Only Bray Twice”

    MAY 2017

    • Gilly, Real Housewife at Dirt Festivals Mrs. Gilly Blake says:

      With title track, “Thrive (in My Bondian Consciousness),” written & performed by Jess Johnson.

    • World O'Gluten says:

      I keep thinking of Fuad Ramses from Herschel Gordon Lewis’s immortal BLOOD FEAST.

  5. Lily's 3rd Eye says:

    His profile is very sad and smells like old socks, I can smell it from here. That said, gentle catwomyn,PLEASE go on a date with him and write about it for us! To sweeten the deal, if you check how many times he says ‘tribe’ and ‘women’ and say ‘sorority’ and ‘masculine’ the same amount of times during the date just to make his psychonaut head explode I will pay you your weight in ‘lighty’ used Yandy onesies.

    • Winchester House of Fauxtoshoots, Microphones & Book Deals says:

      Also see: Look deeply into my eyes.

    • Morrocanwear With Antlers Wearing A Bra and Tutu says:

      But what if he asks if he can show her? I don’t think a date with the psychonaut is a safe option.

  6. ks says:

    holy shit that is the longest dating profile I’ve ever seen! it just goes on and on. I guess when you are that physically ugly you gotta have something to distract from your photos but Jesus Christ MICHAEL, leave something for the date hahahha. dude probably thinks he can spew this word dump and move right to fucking on the first date.

    I would love to see how he does on tinder. write all you want there mike, no lady is going to read it after they take a gander at that mug. if he were a Simpson, he’d be Moe Sizlack.

    dear catlady, dont take it personally. its not like those algorithms are based on anything. it probably just did some word matching like ‘liberal writer’ and boom there you go. again we see mike trying to game a system by using black seo techniques like including as many keywords as possible to ensure targeting a larger group of women. another way to do this on tinder is to Like as many mainstream chick things as possible so it looks like you share interests. you know, like NPR and wildlife charities.

    • Stalker is the New 5150 says:

      dude probably thinks he can spew this word dump and move right to fucking on the first date

      THIS SHIT RIGHT HERE.

      I don’t think M.Ellsberg is ugly per se but he a. can’t dress himself and b. can’t calm the fuck down which creates ugly.

      • Wolf, Hemmingway and Khaat whores says:

        I think he has personal hygiene issues.

        The oily patina wouldn’t be there if he came in contact with soap and warm water on a regular basis.

    • melting marionette says:

      long because: meeeeeeeeee

    • Bunsy says:

      I know, right? My eyes glazed over and I thought: “Just STFU!” (and I’m not normally like that.

      Poor girl. Can you imagine going on a date with someone like that?

      Re the whole “starving artist” thing — I’d love to know how much the rents helped with it.

    • Bride of Donkenstein (The Me I Am When I'm With You) says:

      that dating profile is stuffed full of NACHOS

  7. Not! Random! says:

    I cannot believe he name dropped his dad in a dating profile. Twice. How totally pathetisad.

    • Morrocanwear With Antlers Wearing A Bra and Tutu says:

      And the long ass explanation about Burning Man? Not one single person in the universe cares jerkwad.

      • Wolf, Hemmingway and Khaat whores says:

        Excuse me (ME ME ME!!!!), but there is a certain Donkey that would NOT date a man that doesn’t go to BM.

        Aforementioned farm animal also dissed her very successful brother & lovely wife because they were squares that live in, Greg forbids, Chicago and DO NOT GO TO BM.

    • Goodnight, Wangs says:

      It’s kind of funny that he, too is priced out of San Francisco right along with Donkey. Inlaw apartment in Alameda… lol.

    • Bunsy says:

      Along with Brown.

    • ks says:

      This. Mentioning your dad in a dating profile? I mean.. you just discarded all intelligent women with that desperate shit. Clearly he is just trying to attract groupies, but that makes me wonder, has he fucked every one of his Facebook groupies or something? Why post on OKC?

      • Stalker is the New 5150 says:

        Yeah, it’s gotta be that everyone who already knows him is sick of his shit. Needs to find some young&dumb.

  8. Aggressively Stupid says:

    “On a typical Friday night I am
    Hosting a raucous party; out salsa dancing; curled up reading a book; or looking into your eyes.”

    I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

  9. Winchester House of Fauxtoshoots, Microphones & Book Deals says:

    I’ve never done one these internet sites (no judgment), but is this a “normal” profile? If yes, then I’m thrilled I trusted my instincts.

    • Tingolayo says:

      BTW, I drove by you last night and you looked lovely all decked out in your Christmas lights. They’re tearing down the Century theaters (iconic domed Bay Area theaters) next door, though– probably for condos.

      • Stalker is the New 5150 says:

        The Winchester house is on my bucket list. So far I haven’t made it because we went to Monterey or Napa instead. WHEN IS IT MY TURN TO CHOOSE????

      • Winchester House of Fauxtoshoots, Microphones & Book Deals says:

        Haha,I actually had to think where I was last night before it hit me. Sloooow today.

    • Malformed Face says:

      A normal profile is 1/38 the length and not all mememememememememememememe. I wouldn’t read one 1/16 of this even if the guy was incredibly hot, with a full head of hair and a winning lottery ticket he was about to sign over to me. (Sorry for all the math.)

      • Winchester House of Fauxtoshoots, Microphones & Book Deals says:

        You know me well regarding lack of math ability. I also love how a this man feels he’s qualified or entitled to write a book about women’s empowerment. I’d chip in for cat lady date and subsequent therapy if she read him the riot act with a well placed heel to the goin, but I somehow suspect that’s his ‘thing.’

        • Stalker is the New 5150 says:

          there’s nothing feminist about wanting to look at sexy women.

          • Stalker is the New 5150 says:

            JFA to clarify, wanting to look at but not hear or actually care about sexy women is just business as usual.

    • Reeks of desperate tutus says:

      No. The answer is no. There is nothing normal about this.

  10. bobluv's forward-facing fanny pack says:

    this is a golden opportunity to obtain recon intel

    kinda like what they did in the movie Mean Girls

  11. Grammarian says:

    Skeeve to infinity

  12. Goodnight wangs says:

    Honestly, why doesn’t he just date A Donkey? They’d be a match made in grifter woo heaven, no?

  13. Boo Woo says:

    There’s no way he supports himself from those books. Nobody supports themselves from books except people you’ve heard of. He’s got the Louis Marx fortune and the books are just for his dating profile.

    • Bunsy says:

      I was wondering about this. Also — how much the rents and/or trust fund helped out at the beginning. My guess? LOTS.

    • grammmarian says:

      “books”

    • Albie Quirky in Exile says:

      I know a lot of people who support themselves from books that nobody’s heard of, but not Harlem brownstone levels of support.

    • Grifty Shades of Bray says:

      He just recently set up a crowdfunded patron site to pay him while he wrote about kinky sex. How is this “living off books”?

      I assume he means he has managed to get a book deal every year or two for the past several years (book deals he never would have gotten if not for his father’s name), and lives off the advances. I’m sure Forbes doesn’t pay shit now that they’ve sold out, and when’s the last time he wrote anything for the NYT?

      Pathetisad. This profile really says it all.

  14. Stukk 'n Boot says:

    The percentage match narrows it down…re:better part of discretion.

  15. Wolf, Hemmingway and Khaat whores says:

    Well, at least he used “the” before “playa”.

    Fuat Özkandaş should be in a David Lynch movie.

  16. Tingolayo says:

    Wait, when did he move to California? And why isn’t Donk hanging out with him all the time? Has there been another best-friend-ectomy à la Greasy?

    • Albie Quirky in Exile says:

      After his I LOVE YOU RAIN post (which she like buttoned) my guess is that it would be awkward for them to hang.

    • Goodnight, Wangs says:

      Maybe Donk’s already gone. Didn’t she get forced out of her apartment? Maybe she’s already permanently in Chicago.

    • Grifty Shades of Bray says:

      He moved to CA not long after the split from LaPhlegm.

  17. julia allison needs adult supervision and a nappy change by the bray says:

    1) Alameda is a city. And it’s not San Francisco. So you did not move back to your home town, asshole.

    2) I I I I I I Me Me Me Me. There’s no humility nor charm in any of this. “I AM SO GREAT AND IF YOU WANT TO GET TOWED IN TO MY GRRATNESS I WILL TOTALLY HAVE A “RELATIONSHIP” WITH YOU AND 3 OTHER WOMBYN”. Nothing says feminist quite like being a dick measuring blowhard culture appropriating spiritual assclown.

    3) Tell Julia to get fucked. Not in the good way.

  18. Julia's Chin Implant says:

    Which woos does he live with?

    • Donkey in the Sky with Rhinestones says:

      Co-author at book

      • Dyspeptic Would Only Go If She Spoke says:

        Bryan shade-throwing Franklin? That, too — in addition to the Phutureprimitive fawning — would make it awkward for him to hang with/hook up with Juliar.

      • Bunsy says:

        I got into an argument with someone on his fb page on what constitutes a “best seller.” (Having had, like, real authenticated actual best sellers.) I know I shouldn’t have. It just got the best of me!

        The author woos annoy me sometimes…

  19. wonkeye says:

    1. Your favorite book is Toni Bentley’s embarrassing ode to ass fuckery. (Anal is fine, if that’s your thing; this book is ridiculous.)
    2. Feminists don’t want you. Step back, greasy.
    3. Lean harder into sobriety, please. Also, lean into a shower.
    4. You are about as “badass” as my Aunt Fanny.
    5. So many words about burning man. So little cares.

  20. Venus of Dirty Long Johns on Playa says:

    “The Surrender” BOOK— isn’t that the one about ANAL?

    In a dating profile! wowser.

    • grammmarian says:

      BOOK DOES NOT DO THAT

    • Lily's 3rd Eye says:

      So sorry so nachos but anal makes small guys feel like larger guys if you get my drift. Just sayin’.

      • The Tortuous and the Hair says:

        It does seem like he’s overcompensating for something with his porny sex spanking poly openly writing about kink on my facebook page schtick.

  21. Gilly, Real Housewife at Dirt Festivals Mrs. Gilly Blake says:

    Not one of the idiot woos posted anything about David Bowie’s passing. Not a single mention about this musical genius and genuine iconoclast. But Smellsberg’s ex, Jena La Unfunny, could post morning shills for her scam sisters, including this garbage in which Donkey gets a shout out:

    “I deserve to be in community with you, wild, wise women.

    And you deserve to be in community with me.

    Don’t let isolation and loneliness trap you in their grasp.

    Find your sisters and commune with the awakened feminine, because you deserve it. This is definitely one of the most helpful directives that exists.

    I spent so many year feeling appearing popular, but actually being deeply, painfully & bitterly lonely.

    Then I turned around my life and brought myself to the arms of vibrant community. Now I’m sourced and fueled by women I shed tears of gratitude for. Ria Yoshida, Stacey Morgenstern, Nisha Moodley, Ali Shanti, Jennifer Russell, LiYana Silver, Wendy K Yalom, Alexandra M Jamieson, Aleksandra Kettelhoit-Lohmann, Julia Allison, Aléna Watters, Annie Lalla, Layla Martin, Saida E. Desilets, Regena Thomashauer, Mahesh Brown, Sacha Lalla, Aarona Ganesan, Jordanna Dworkin Jennifer Love, Tasha Blank , Mary Catherine Shurett, Julia Maryanska, Margaret Nichols , Dana Lawrence, Sofiah Thom and so many more.

    And thanks Mama Gena for this reminder.”

    http://www.mamagenas.com/

    Reclaim your radiance? Fucking assholes.

    • Tingolayo says:

      Probably, like Avril Lavigne, they’d never heard of him.

      • Gilly, Real Housewife at Dirt Festivals Mrs. Gilly Blake says:

        Clearly “musicians” Duckface Johnson and Flusher Price never have, else they’d know true shame.

    • Donkey in the Sky with Rhinestones says:

      Why do all these people need to do status updates that are like award ceremony speeches? If you love your friends so much, can you not write them an email or send a card? Do you have to blast it on social media? Oh, I forgot, yes you do — because the foundation of friendship for these people is mutual promotion.

      • ks says:

        This totally reminds me of those chain letters I used to get in the mail back in the 80s where you had to send it out to 10 of your closest friends… It’s like… in the beginning.. was The One Woo Post About Love, The Universe, And Everything. And then it spread and now circles Facebook in a never-ending maelstrom.

      • JB's PRISON OF FACEBOOK SMILES says:

        Award ceremonies or eulogies. Way too ceremonial.

      • mcakez: Knob Polish Ambassador says:

        Because the friend will be forced to comment back, which inflates the comment count and makes the poster feel important and like a “thought leader” or some shit.

    • Handbag Is Merging Her Two Identities says:

      When I told Mr. H about Bowie I nearly started crying. He said, sweetly, “I didn’t realize the two of you were friends.” I said, “We were! We were in my brain and heart!”

      • Albie Quirky says:

        I miss him already. And I feel sad for Iman. They were the absolute coolest couple.

        • Energy Pussy (brought to you by BIG TAMPON) says:

          Didn’t he once say something like, “You might think being a rock star married to super model is pretty cool. And it is.”?

          I seriously have the sadz over his passing.

          • Yolk Container says:

            That was 1 of 3 “secrets” he revealed, the other 2 of which were revealed to be myths, setting this one up as the punch line– no, that one is true.

        • melting marionette says:

          have been thinking about this all day. saw him live on his glass spider / serious moonlight tour – such a talented performer, and some of his tracks today are as fresh and current as when they first came out.

          r.i.p, thin white duke…

      • Donkey Ho-Tay says:

        I normally kind of roll my eyes about people on social media making it all about themselves when a famous person passes, but at least to me it seems different with Bowie.

        I was pleasantly surprised to see the variety of people of various ages/musical genres/inclinations all posting to say nice things about him and lament that he’s gone—it felt like a real testament to him.

        • ShesJustStupid says:

          His genius was actually his distance from his fans. The reason we all thought he was ageless. No ne ever knew who he was. Bono tried to channel some of this with the Mephisto persona at one point and it never rang true. The closest musician of my time to the kind of art/fashion icon Bowie was is probably David Byrne.

          • Grifty Shades of Bray says:

            Tom Waits too. But on a lower profile. And Joni Mitchell. When she dies there will be a similar outpouring. Otherworldly talent, impossible coolness, and fierce independence.

            I think it hit so hard because few knew he was sick, and just seemed to come out of nowhere.

      • Winchester House of Fauxtoshoots, Microphones & Book Deals says:

        He was the soundtrack to every childhood slumber party. I still remember a dance routine to Modern Love (not my fave) couldn’t tell you what I ate for breakfast yesterday, but I remember the first eight count dance steps. Suffragette City & Fame were some of the first songs I remember leaving an impression.

        • melting marionette says:

          john, i’m only dancing…

        • Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

          I have been weepy all day. I basically came out of the womb listening to Bowie due to all my siblings and cousins being older than me and heavily into music. I cannot remember a time in my life when I didn’t listen to Bowie at least once a week. For a week I have been reading all the stories about the new album and his birthday and there was no mention of his illness; he obviously decided to keep it very quiet. When I saw that headline this morning I burst into tears. It sounds crazy but I feel I have lost someone I know. Never has a celebrity death upset me as much as this one. Help me cat ladies I am really distraught!!! FUCK!!!! FUCKING CANCER!!!!

          • Bunsy says:

            Gosh, I am sorry for you. I know, he reminds me of my growing up, too. He seemed like such a gentleman/cool guy, and you could just tell he absolutely adored Iman (and vice versa).

            And how he absolutely kept his illness between him and his family, not parading it in public so people could “pray for him,” etc.

            Years ago, I was at a party for Rolling Stone mag, and he and Iman came in (stunning in real life — he looked like a rock star). And I thought: gosh.

          • Winchester House of Fauxtoshoots, Microphones & Book Deals says:

            This one got to me too. He’s tied to so many memories which is why, as someone mentioned above, it’s sort of like a detached closeness, which makes the loss feel personal. Every time I hear a Bowie song I text my friend from kindergarten. She was the first friend I met when we moved into our new neighborhood when I was three where I remained until 21. Pictures are great but nothing holds a memory for me like music.

          • grammarian says:

            can you hear me major tom?

          • Grifty Shades of Bray says:

            I am so sorry, Jacy. I know, he just seemed (and deserved to be) immortal. He really was the man who fell to Earth. His music was the soundtrack to my high school and college years. The loss feels huge.

          • ethel-egg says:

            My sister Helen had a poster of David Bowie in her room. I thought she was so exotic for loving him & his music in 1976.

            I can’t remember which of his albums was the first to come into our house but he’s been a part of our music lives all my life. Sad face that he’s died but imagine if he’d never been! Big fucking sad face.

          • Nosferatu-tu is Animated by Envy and Spite says:

            I was at a friends house and she told me. She played an a Capella version of Under Pressure with him and Freddie Mercury. We both teared up. Two musical geniuses.
            I was watching a show about Bowie just yesterday and to hear this news was such a shock.
            I’m at a loss for words adequate to describe how incredible he was.

          • RollsRoyceRevenge says:

            The only film star I have ever envied, ever, ever, is Jennifer Connolly, for the ballroom scene in Labyrinth.

            She looked fabulous, got to spend time with Bowie and the result is the most romantic dance scene ever filmed.

            Take THAT, Fred and Ginger.

        • JB's PRISON OF FACEBOOK SMILES says:

          I had a poster above my bed, and I was not the type to do that. Something about him took me out of my dull, uncreative present and pointed me to my future.

          My favorite Bowie song is one of my favorite songs and underrated/underknown. It’s called “Absolute Beginners.” It’s like 7 minutes long… but pop heaven.

        • mcakez: Knob Polish Ambassador says:

          Related, I find the new song Blackstar very unsettling. Creepy. Which I, personally, kind of enjoy. I have to admit I find it weirdly visceral and strangely… off-putting, yet alluring? It’s just a very atmospheric song. I was wondering of what others think of it.

  22. Malformed Face says:

    This post has given me a lady boner. May I show you?

  23. Handbag Is Merging Her Two Identities says:

    The Antichrist, by Nietzsche. LOLIOLLZZLIOLL.

  24. Psycho-delic Ballerina fka Lurker says:

    OT, but Ol’ Raunch got her Love Letter out to her bidness ladee email listserv, and it appears she has once again overhauled her team:

    I’m experiencing this sense of “whaaaaattttt? this is all really happening. finally. dreams. coming. true.”
    A new romantic partner who is blowing my mind and heart wide open.
    An investor for the lawyer business.
    An operations manager for the lawyer business with ten years of experience running Eben Pagan’s companies.
    A partner for the Eyes Wide Open business who I’m not sure I could have even dreamed up, if I was making a list of my ideal partners
    *****
    It goes on and on and on and on and I’ll spare you all the rest. She does not identify her new lovah.

    Not that I can keep track of what all she is doing with her businesses, but it seems to me there’s been an awful lot of turnover.

    Oh, and she included pics of her son in his cotillion outfit in the bidness ladee email. Apparently Noah is doing cotillion. Honestly, no snark, I think it could be really good for the kid to practice social skills with kids his own age in a place that is not a dusty field.

    • grammarian says:

      again

    • Take you to..Shantitown says:

      The rest of the Full of Vomit Letter was about how she’s going to just be herself in the new year and let people accept her as she is — which would be annoying for being trite and played if it wasn’t so pathetic for being the same repetitive shit she says every time she has to change the batteries in her smoke detector.

      Also, the post about her son’s cotillion wasn’t nearly as charitable on Facebook as the offspring said, “Mom you don’t really fit in here”, as her son had a suit and she had dead animals across her shoulders and dead insects across the top of her eyes…and likely that fucking rhinestone.

      Out.

      • Morrocanwear with Antlers and a Nose Ring says:

        So is cotillion the same as dancing school, where I went to learn the box step, cha cha cha and social graces? Or is it like a subscription dance (which is what we called a cotillion as a teenager)?

        • Winchester House of Fauxtoshoots, Microphones & Book Deals says:

          That poor kid, she pathologically shames him, proudly, without remorse, putting her own needs above his, pretty sure that’s the opposite of motherhood. All he’d need to do is print every single one of her Facebook posts if he should ever need to emancipate himself.

      • Aggressively Stupid says:

        At least once every three months she announces that NOW she’s ready to let the world see who she really is. We’ve already seen at least 10 businesses, two personalities and the entirety of her genitals. What else is there left for the world to see.

    • ShesJustStupid says:

      She still manages to take a dig at the “normal” aspirations of her son. She’s so above it all and making SUCH a sacrifice. Yuck.

      • Lurker says:

        She is such a cunt. For someone who’s obsessed with her own self-evolution, which most people over 25 have realized is way less interesting and important than the world around them, she has no respect for actual stages of child development in her CHILDREN. Of course her son wants to go to a dance with his friends! Childhood is ALL contrived social activities- from preschool to prom. It’s how kids learn to be functional adults- I know, how basic, right Shanti?

    • World O'Gluten says:

      One of her weekend FB posts includes the line “Excited for festie season to start up this year.”

      FESTIE.

  25. Aggressively Stupid says:

    By the way, Envision Festival in Costa Rica is in a little over a month. If Donks isn’t there we will know that she is on serious lock down. Probably tied up in the basement of the Lakeside Facility.

  26. RaisingMyHand says:

    I have to admit, it was I who came across his profile. I decided to dip my toe in the red tide that is dating in San Francisco. Imagine my great sadness at this match.

    I’ve categorized my profile as strictly monogamous so the match rate is bananas. I know not to take heed as the match is merely a suggestion etc. But still…

    That being said, I would have bailed by fourth paragraph had it not been for my morbid curiosity. My entire profile is 198 words, which by my count, is somewhere in his fourth paragraph.

    For the record someone up thread suggested a date with the man in question, and it did cross my mind, if only for the opportunity to share with you lovely ladies (who have helped me through my own issues with the Julia in my life). I could never keep the conversation up long enough to a) get to the date asking phase and b) make the date last more than 15 minutes. I was, quite frankly, raised to identify and shame the silliness that drives most of his childish antics. My parents spent their working years building non-profits to help disadvantaged populations learn how to read, buy their first homes, and reenter society after incarceration. I’m in the same social sector space and I’ve never taken a psychedelic, shared my special cat friend with other people, nor written from the Masculine. Not sure there was anything left for he and I to share.

    TL;DR: I ain’t go no time for that.

    • Bunsy says:

      kid, we love you… but there is NO WAY I’d allow you to go on a date w this skeez. You are waaaaaaaay too good for him (and the lot of them). Even for our own personal entertainment — even if we took up a collection, etc. It would be some major negative karma for you to do something like that.

      I can barely look at his photo on the laptop, can’t imagine sitting across from him and having a conversation IRL.

      We like you TOO MUCH!

    • How Brayella Got Her H00ve Back says:

      Kudos to your folks for doing what they did & raising you to do the same.

    • Winchester House of Fauxtoshoots, Microphones & Book Deals says:

      “My entire profile is 198 words,” I love it. His manifesto reeks of insecurity with a side of lack of edit. I joke about going through with the date, I wouldn’t have been able to do it either. I find him so revolting, no matter how much love for the basement that’s one bullet dodge you need never explain.
      Keep in mind it’s a dating site trying to make money where matches are secondary to the first goal. See: making money again.

    • Pescachickenarian says:

      This might help you a little; I’ve read that the ‘percentage’ matches from OK Cupid and other dating sites are bullshit. Occasionally they throw random matches in because matching people is an inexact science.
      So there’s a good chance that Mr author-of-dating-profile(minus-edit) is a wildcard. It does not mean that you are also a creepy snakeskin-wearing sleaze.
      Take this with you and hold it tight.

      • Morrocanwear With Antlers Wearing A Bra and Tutu says:

        When one of my sons was a junior in high school he posted a photo of himself wearing a black felt mustache from the dollar store on OK Cupid with a profile that was crazy and talked a lot about a woman’s place being in the kitchen. He and his friends thought it was funny until some poor woman got matched with him. He deleted it immediately, but if baby faced fake profile gets matched….

        • Stalker is the New 5150 says:

          I would like to subscribe to your son’s newsletter.

        • mcakez: Knob Polish Ambassador says:

          Incidentally, I have my students looking at the idea of ‘ethos’ in persuasion, and for some reason that is a hard concept for them. Maybe because ‘credibility’ is hard for them to understand. Also, they’re morons.

          Anyway, one of the assignments I am attempting has them look at okc profiles to think about what is image/ethos is represented and what assumptions we make about people based on their on words. Plus a little ‘online awareness/social identity’ stuff sprinkled in.

          I wish I could use the Moroccan Sprog profile on one end and the Smellsberg Screed on the other for comparative purposes.

  27. Angry Yeti Rat In Sidewalk says:

    So, one thing I will say that is positive is that I appreciate he pointed out that EVERY FUCKING BURNING MAN PHOTO LOOKS THE SAME.

    • Winchester House of Fauxtoshoots, Microphones & Book Deals says:

      Such a dig on Julia, Burning Man jumped the shark.

      • Pescachickenarian says:

        Is my timeline wrong or according to the pubic-hair, it jumped the shark on the first year Julia attended?

        • Winchester House of Fauxtoshoots, Microphones & Book Deals says:

          A safe bet is subtract 5 years from when Julia first announces she loves it, is attending, or shilling it, for the most accurate shark jumping.

  28. JuliasTooSmallTutu says:

    He can’t dance, there is video proof of that.

    • How Brayella Got Her H00ve Back says:

      I was really curious about him getting into Cuba three times …?

      • Winchester House of Fauxtoshoots, Microphones & Book Deals says:

        I have a friend that went twice (08-09). He said it was easy, you just put $50 in your passport and they looked the other way. I’m not nearly that brave. He said he was really nervous but it was easy. He also hired a guide which kept him out of trouble. (ha)

      • Albie Quirky in Exile says:

        It was really easy to get in on those “artistic and cultural exchange” trips if you were even a part-time writer (musician, visual artist, etc.) I know a lot of people who have gone several times.

      • Aggressively Stupid says:

        It’s not that hard. Travel to Mexico first then fly out of there. Ask them not to stamp directly in your passport when you leave.

  29. Psycho-delic Ballerina fka Lurker says:

    Revisiting just because . . . here is Jules thinking she is funny. Misty water colored mem’ries . . .

    https://vimeo.com/4511599

    https://vimeo.com/4514050

    • Donkey Ho-Tay says:

      Okay, I’ve often said she’s talentless, but I take it back. No one else could m ake me cringe so hard and so often in less than 2 minutes and 45 seconds. (Also, I read that as GILF magazine).

    • Lurkey McLurkerson says:

      Wow. The melting of the face since 2009 is unbelievable.

    • Aaron Schock needs Beard says:

      Julie admits to being a Sex Columnist in the first video.
      Needs GIF treatment.

      It’s kinda amusing to hear her be self deprecating…she should just embrace it and write a book about THAT. But, Internet infamy has already expired, I think.

    • Aggressively Stupid says:

      There are actually people raucously laughing at her stilted attempts at humor. Either there was something funny happening off camera or they pour the drinks strong at that bar.

    • RaisingMyHand says:

      You what um helps with the um atrocious speech um pattern?

      Graduate school. So sad that the Donkey couldn’t attend school with me at night while I work full time. I think she would learn a lot from Leadership Communication.

  30. ks says:

    I wish I could pick through that profile for some tasty new memes but I just kannot.

  31. What the what...? says:

    OT: This is the type of genius ME & BF’s book is attracting…

    Kali Kat I started reading your book tonight! P.S…. I’m getting into over 100 grand of debt for acupuncture school and I’m vaguely curious how much defaulting completely would fuck up my life…. Trying not to worry about it… But still exploring many different avenues to generate $…. Including writing a book. The saga continues….

    Ugh.

    • Gilly, Real Housewife at Dirt Festivals Mrs. Gilly Blake says:

      Ali Shanti sees this and sends the mark a private message in 3 2 1. Well, if you really want financial freedom, default and immediately put your meager savings into my money map course!

      • Psycho-delic Ballerina fka Lurker says:

        Supposedly, she is writing a book about the benefits of declaring bankruptcy. She has a fantastic publisher! I can’t wait!

        I once got into an argument with one of her online fans about the difference between Ch 7 and 11 and it went over like a lead balloon. They kept on responding, “but – Donald Trump did it like 4 times!” It was infuriating.

        • Winchester House of Fauxtoshoots, Microphones & Book Deals says:

          I remember that. Her audience of non-paying friends will love it. Do you think they realize they’ll have to actually sell something and outside that circle jerk at some point?
          File BOOK next to Julia’s and Reality Show PAID for by MOM’s live-savings.

    • Not! Random! says:

      Sure, by all means: default; let the arrearage triple with interest and penalties; and then realize when you try to retire that the feds will be garnishing your social security checks. Sounds like a tremendous plan, Kali Kat!

    • ks says:

      “vaguely curious” is just perfect

  32. RollsRoyceRevenge says:

    Look, if you type “Coach of topless woman’s football team seeks tackling dummy” into your profile this is the kind of response you’re bound to get.

    • ks says:

      seriously. if I were female and read that and went on a date with him and didnt fuck him I would feel guilty.

  33. BeepBeepBoopBeepBeep. I Am A Robot says:

    NEWS FLASH ** NEWS FLASH ** NEWS FLASH ** NEWS FLASH ** NEWS FLASH

    Ali Shanti has had another epiphany. Forget what you heard about her heart before…scratch that…all wrong…Now, she’s correct.

    One more epiphany and she gets a free chicken dinner at the Boulder BBQ Chicken joint of her choice.

  34. bitchface says:

    Julia and wet weather broke up?

  35. juliaspublicist says:

    Shanti has a face for podcasting and a voice for shut the fuck up.

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