Updated, With Deliciouth Fauxtos: Fuck Your Stock Portfolio! Join Smelly & Franki, Build Tribe & Finanthal Succtheth!


Ali Shanti can’t stop flapping her maw over Smellsberg and Franklin’s magnum opus. You’d think they discovered the cure for cancer, or how to give Ali non-stop orgasms. And if I never see that tacky painting of the masculine – he’s blue! – and the feminine – she’s white! – in profile ever again, it’ll be too soon.

Is it possible that your investments in the stock market would be better off put into building tribe?

This picture is the perfect example of why it may be worth considering.

What would you need to invest to get these minds and hearts working to support your projects?

What would the value of this brain trust be to you?

Five years ago, I invested in tribe and increasing the value I bring to the community. Today, I have the best minds in personal development and business on speed dial. To me, that’s worth way more than a full 401k.

(By the way, I’ll address the question of how we handle the risk of health concerns or a future inability to work in a separate post.)

What happens when we start investing in increasing the value we bring to others rather than in trying to save enough for later?

These questions + more answered in the new book “The Last Safe Investment” by Michael Ellsberg and Bryan Franklin.

Note that third paragraph from the end – no, SK3B never reads here!

Ali does seem excited about her new grift, in which she’ll make saps run the money map while she’s getting off atop the van futon. Hope she can incorporate “tribe” into the new excel spread sheets! Come visit us in the basement, ladies, after you’ve left in a huff and Ali blames you for being in debt.

A study in whiteness:


Update: Yes, Ali posted about this night of nights again. She was apparently so overwhelmed that this week’s love letter never arrived, even after it was already late, which Scammy acknowledged before missing her second self-imposed deadline. Hire this woman to jump start your business!

Oh what a night. Not even a full block blackout could put a damper on this gathering to celebrate the release of “The Last Safe Investment” – the most important personal finance book of our time.

So worth the intense travel and a couple of nights of sleep deficit.

I wish I had more pictures, but it was fairly dark most of the night. They lit the room with hundreds of candles until power was restored.

Pick up a copy of the book today and start investing in your only true source of wealth and security.



Captioned “Beloveds,” perhaps because Franki & Jen spent the night with Ali & Fozzie in the sex van?


When Ali wants to traumatize straight young men, she calls in Shmolby Shmollins!

scooby doo

After too much molly, Smelly & Franki put on a Scooby Doo skit.

Bottom Fan in the ‘Stan: Nick McGlynn! (He should have known better; I’m disappointed but not surprised.)


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90 Responses to Updated, With Deliciouth Fauxtos: Fuck Your Stock Portfolio! Join Smelly & Franki, Build Tribe & Finanthal Succtheth!

  1. Winchester House of Fauxtoshoots, Microphones & Book Deals says:

    What? No Fauxtos of this amazing book signing event where each person had to buy their body weight in books? None of these people work and their business model is to profit off those that do who would run at the first smell of this “tribe.”
    PAID #1 Best Seller coming soon, then huge shipment return back to amazon. They can’t even be honest on the Amazon reviews, why would anyone buy what any of these parasites are selling?

  2. How Brayella Got Her H00ve Back says:

    So. Confused.

    This is a book-signing party? Why are smEllsberg & Less Insane Author on the laptops instead of signing books? Where are the books, anyway? eBooks? Then why are their hands on their keyboards? Where are the unpaid attendees? Where’s the food?

    Wait, I think I get it now … Julia Allison art-directed this fauxtoshoot fail, amirite?

    • Mrs. Gilly Blake says:

      Good questions! Smellsberg reposted this same fauxto of Franklin, Franklin’s wife, Shanti, Smelly, and a fifth schmoo. A commenter wrote, “LOL! Is this an ad for Apple Macbooks?” But no fauxtos of the hordes waiting for their books to be signed. I know Jena flew in and Donkey is back in SF.

      Smellsberg also just posted a 100,000 word screed about how fucked up he was this past year and why you should still turn to him for financial guidance. I’m too tired to read even a paragraph …

      • How Brayella Got Her H00ve Back says:

        Plus, Ali can’t map her way to the correct URL, apparently …

      • Midwestern Verve Clicquot says:

        I just read ME’s screed, and the sheer amount of class privilege bowled me over so much that I stopped reading. How fortunate for him that, when he was struck by a major depressive episode, he didn’t have to work because he had six months’ living expenses in savings, thereby allowing him to focus entirely on getting better; how great that these liquid assets also allowed for things like meal deliveries from Cafe Gratitude and a psychiatrist and psych meds and vitamins and supplements and a naturopath (is that in-network?).

        His argument for investing in his tribe is thin here. Sure, having this network allowed him to find out about a free fitness app and got him some doctor referrals – but anyone can do that with a little research and conversation. I would hope that my friends wouldn’t expect me to give them money before they recommended me to a particular doctor or helpful app. Also, we have yet to see if any of this is going to net him any income, BECAUSE THE BOOK JUST CAME OUT. Anyway, Ellsberg and Franklin are never going to have to worry about retirement, because they are trustafarians.

        • Aggressively Stupid says:

          Wow! If I was going through a health crisis I would have plenty of people offering doctor recommendations, suggestions and just all around help, no “investment” needed. Is Smellsberg saying that instead of having a 401k you should buy yourself friends? Because that’s really sad.

      • bobluv's forward-facing fanny pack says:

        yeah, I now feel like something is wrong with me for owning a mac laptop

    • BeepBeepBoopBeepBeep. I Am A Robot says:

      Anna Lalla has Bryan Franklin nursing on her teat now.

    • Bunsy says:

      No booze = no book party = no fun.

      I thought that was a WeWork Ad. The inevitable laptops on the repurposed wood table, the water in mason jars… jeez.

  3. maybe says:

    Buncha white people with apple laptops sitting around a table is the self-masturbatory startup pic du jor

    • Stalker is the New 5150 says:

      They’re clearly not doing any actual work or programming of any sort. If they were they would not be able to fucking concentrate sucking up each other’s fumes.

      • Aggressively Stupid says:

        This reminds me of a project I was working on last year. I dropped by the work space one evening because some people were working late. They were done by the time I got there, but as we were sitting around the lounge area some said,”Hey we should take a picture of this for our facebook page!” So we all pulled out our laptops, someone grabbed a stack of papers that they pretended to be reading from and we all posed like we were in deep discussion so the internet could see how hard we were “working.” Really we were waiting for the pizza to arrive.

    • melting marionette says:

      are they podcasting it? $130 yeti microphone on the table at the end.

      my boss banned laptops at our meetings – then promptly broke the rules by bringing his ipad to them.

    • Still Life with Shriveled-Up Ditch Pig and Turkey Feathers says:

      Everyone’s hands are on deck! I would have thought Ali would be getting DP finger-banged under the table.

  4. Handbag Is Merging Her Two Identities says:

    I see they helped back the money truck up to the door of dead Steve Jobs.

  5. Grammarian says:

    A bunch of smelly grifters in a coffee shop
    It looks like a “wanted” poster

    • Grifty Shades of Bray says:

      Has to be the Franklins’ home. That is their painting. Of themselves.

      • Stalker is the New 5150 says:

        That painting makes me die laughing. I used to go to the county fair and buy feathered roach clips to put in my hair and I would envy the girls with their curly blonde bangs and acid washed jeans and tough-looking boyfriends who would buy them airbrushed t-shirts (Dawn ‘n’ Bruce 4ever!).

        That painting looks like county fair airbrushing is all I’m saying.

      • grammarian says:

        Awesome. Not

  6. Wolf, Hemmingaway and Khaat Whores says:

    Who needs money when you have turkey feathers and drugs?

  7. Angry Yeti Rat In Sidewalk says:

    “I invested in tribe and increasing the value I bring to the community. Today, I have the best minds in personal development and business on speed dial.”

    Translation: I never pay anyone who does any work for me.

  8. woogang says:

    And the mason jar is the official glass of the woos. Why? Are they reframing the jar?

  9. sfish says:

    Tribe? All I see are 5 unemployed people on $6,000 worth of Apple equipment not talking to each other. If that’s “tribe” I could invest $4 at my local Starbucks and have the exact same experience.

    • Grifty Shades of Bray says:

      Tribe=Camp Mystic polyamorous, NLP-practicing, self-taught “coaches” of such well-known grifts as weight loss, sexuality, “abundance,” easy entrepreneurship, financial freedom, etc.

      Can’t wait to see the actual reviews of this book.

    • Bunsy says:


  10. Never the Bride says:

    I know this is a staged fauxto shoot, but man, would I like to be able to see what’s on those screens. Wouldn’t it be funny if one of them were off script (not that anybody reads here).

  11. wooo hoooo says:

    They are all such poseurs. Pathetic.

  12. Bunsy says:

    “Is it possible that your investments in the stock market would be better off put into building tribe?”

    I know there are some very smart Basement Dwellers who know more about this than I do — but I think I read somewhere that NOTHING has beat the U.S. stock market for investing and accumulating wealth. (Of course, you have to buy and hold, and reinvest… but still.)

    Plus — what are they “creating” other than dopey “tribes” that scam off one another? I work hard and love my friends (including all the RBDers — Happy New Year everybody!)… but I would never deign to call them a tribe.

    • Malformed Face says:

      My portfolio had quadrupled under Obama and my “tribe” gave me free notes on the countless spec scripts I wrote at night and on weekends which led to a 6 figure career for a time. Now that that career is over – I still invest in myself – and I still have a full life. These people are crazy. There are ways TO DO BOTH.

      I am still 100% unclear what any of these maniacs does for a living.

  13. What the what...? says:

    So this book was just released yesterday(?) and already has five reviews.? ALL from close friends of Smellsberg and Franklin’s, and ALL giving it five stars? They don’t even know how to fake review properly. You gotta throw a four star in there for good measure, guys! Winky emoticon.

    But to the discussion in the other thread and what Grifty posted; Isn’t this against Amazon’s rules? Clearly they must have an “If you have partaken in an orgy with the author, it is against Amazon’s policy to review said orgy partner’s book.” clause. How do they enforce their policies?

    • Gilly Blake, CEO, Donkey Disparagement Industry Mrs. Gilly Blake says:

      RBD encourages you to contact amazon if you believe their review policies are being violated.

    • Malformed Face says:

      And three of the reviews are not Verified purchases – which means his “tribe” didn’t both to buy the book.

  14. Tingolayo says:

    How to make enough money to support yourself:

    First, be born to rich parents. Then, take your $2000 laptop and your $600 phone, and gather at your friend’s $5000/month apartment in San Francisco. Hold a party where your friends must buy something from you in order to attend…

  15. What the what...? says:

    I want pictures of the Bachelor/Bachelorette Date Auction! And what? Bids in the form of a book?!

    About the Event

    This event is not being advertised to the wider public – you can find out about it through our social networks only. Everyone there will be 1-2 degrees of separation from everyone else. This is a private party of friends and friends-of-friends. To keep the vibe private and intimate, and to facilitate maximum connection, conversation, networking and cross-fertilization of ideas and connections among this well-curated crowd, the guest list is being kept strictly low – and word of this epic party is buzzing rapidly through many SF entrepreneurial communities. There is limited space and this event WILL sell out so register ASAP.

    Hip, sensuous music will waft in the background, over candlelit mood in a gorgeous space. The music will be loud enough to enjoy, but low enough to mingle, talk, meet, and befriend your fellow guests. (Unlike most parties, you will NOT have to holler over ear-splitting thumpy-thump music just to say hi to a new friend….)

    As the night goes on, get this: an elite few of NYC’s hottest young male and female entrepreneurs, founders and CEOs will be strutting their stuff for SF’s first Entrepreneur Bachelor/Bachelorette Date Auction. All bids are in copies of books purchased – so you can get great gifts for your friends and business connections early AND land a very sexy date! This whole event will be raucous, flirty and fun so don’t miss it! It is definitely going to be a night to remember.

    • Malformed Face says:

      Did anyone show up? It looks like there are 5 people there.

      • Grifty Shades of Bray says:

        Since it was in SF, Donkey should have been there somewhere.

        • Midwestern Verve Clicquot says:

          If Donkey is being forced to move out, I wonder if she pled Daddy for a January move-out date so that she would have a reason to get laid at this NYE party and this book party. Because it makes no sense to fly a bitch home for the holidays just to do it again a month later.

        • ShesJustStupid says:

          Especially since I LOVE YOU RAIN is also on board with this nonsense. He did an interview with Smelly and Franklin yesterday as well.

    • Stalker is the New 5150 says:

      ahahaha you have to pay to attend the party and then buy a bunch of books so you can try to get laid. BRILLIANT business model.

      I just bought tickets to go to MONSTER JAM (with monster trucks, yes)… VIP tickets even. Now *THAT* is a worthy use of my dollars. Not some pathetic costly sex party.

      • Gilly Blake, CEO, Donkey Disparagement Industry Mrs. Gilly Blake says:

        Which would explain why we’ve seen no fauxtos of Donkey.

        • What the what...? says:


          Also, attending a book party would most likely lead to her being asked the most obvious question she wants to avoid: “When is your book coming out?”

    • Helena (Slutty Minnie Castevet) says:

      Maybe I’m doing parties wrong, but things like “everyone there will be 1-2 degrees of separation from everyone else” and “friends and friends-of-friends” seem to be pretty standard fare to me. I mean, it doesn’t sound elite or exclusive, just kind of normal. For a party. Of course, at the kind of party I’m familiar with people aren’t typically expected to pay for attendance, let alone buy some asshole’s book, so maybe I’m just out of the loop.

      • Midwestern Verve Clicquot says:

        Yeah, this sounds like some weirdo reverse psychology shit to me. “There will be a lot of important people there! Definitely do not just invite a lot of people! Especially people who might buy our book; we would never want lots of people to buy our book and earn us money, oh no, ho ho, not us!”

        • How Brayella Got Her H00ve Back says:

          Last names beginning with”A”-“M” may call immediately to RSVP. Last names beginning with “N”-“Z” may call on odd-numbered days. Operators are standing by. Call now.

      • Aggressively Stupid says:

        I actually organize parties for political campaigns and nonprofits so I understand the format they’re going for here. You want it to feel informal enough that people who wouldn’t seek out the candidate/organization on their own will feel comfortable attending. We usually call them “house parties” and they are indeed usually at someone’s house. The host will usually provide wine and cheese, but sometimes they go all out and get appetizers catered.
        However, the big difference between our parties and one you might have on the weekend is they main goal is to raise money. To that end we usually encourage hosts to reach outside their immediate friends group (unless they already know a lot of high donors) and sometimes pair up host who don’t know each other or only know each other in passing to diversify the guests (also sometimes one person has a banging house, but doesn’t know very many people and another has a huge contact list, but not very much room at their house so they are perfect to pair up).
        I don’t know about other fundraisers, but I definitely get annoyed when people show up to these parties, eat a lot of food, guzzle wine, ask a bunch of obnoxious questions then don’t make a donation. Like, Dude, you can eat cheese, drink wine and debate politics with your friends on your own time, we’re trying to raise some money here.

        Anyway, it seems like the woos are going for that model except their “cause” is their own wallets.

      • Winchester House of Fauxtoshoots, Microphones & Book Deals says:

        Friends don’t make friends buy their books. And isn’t the idea that you’re trying to get you concept out to the masses, and not the same 5 people? They truly have no concept of marketing.

  16. Dawn "Tribe of Insufficient Funds" Kiebals says:

    “(By the way, I’ll address the question of how we handle the risk of health concerns or a future inability to work in a separate post.)”

    To access it, please invest $500 in the tribe. ACT NOW AND GET MY SPECIAL REPORT “Table Dildos: An Investment in Pleasure” ABSOLUTELY FREE!

  17. Meh or Feh says:

    Somewhat O/T but whatevs: Just for the hell of it, every now and then I check out of the of the FB friends of these people. A great many of them (the real ones, not the paid ones from Pakistan or United Arab Emirates) calls themselves “CEO” or “founder” at a company with either a woo-sounding name or just their own name.

    I did a rabbit-hole search on one particular person: https://www.facebook.com/kyliedevi

    She has the usual stuff: a background in “bodywork,” a pic of herself with one of those stick-on jewel things on her forehead, etc.

    Then I went just a little further and found this: http://weirdentrepreneurs.com/podcast/kylie-slavik/

    “In the past 2 years Kylie managed 5 major launches, helped scale a company to $5 million a year in revenue, built several successful automated funnels and generated $1.25 million dollars and 40,000 leads.”

    Which leads to a couple of questions:

    1. Whaaaaat?

    2. If this is actually true, what is someone like this doing that the Ali Shantis and Julia Allisons aren’t? Is it that they’re (in the former) too grifty or (in the latter) too lazy?

    • Midwestern Verve Clicquot says:

      Because it’s not true. If someone like this actually existed, they would be getting buzz in legit media outlets and not just some strange typo-riddled podcast. Look at the top-earning YouTube vloggers. Michelle Phan earns something like 3 million a year from her channel and various business ventures, and she is regularly interviewed and featured in major mags like Elle and Vogue and interviewed in big name corporate blogs like Refinery29.

      The woos are all about creatively reframing their experience. I’m convinced Bryan Franklin just bought a workspace with film editing equipment and leased it out to individual artists; somehow, he becomes responsible for Memento’s Oscars and he is now a legit contributor to the success of films like Schindler’s List.

      • Gilly Blake, CEO, Donkey Disparagement Industry Mrs. Gilly Blake says:

        Yes on Franklin. I nearly mentioned yesterday that the molly-lovin’ phony probably just rented out a couple of avid flatbeds and lo and behold, an Oscar-winning filmmaker!

  18. RollsRoyceRevenge says:

    Hi! Welcome to our book party about how to handle your financial future to woo way! Yes – it’s a block-wide blackout. No, they didn’t shut off our lights because we didn’t pay our bill. Ha! Ha! What would make you say that?

    • Bunsy says:

      I scanned the pics and thought the exact same thing — lights got turned off because nobody paid the goddamn electric bill! (Not that I would expect any of them to be able to do something so banal…)

    • Midwestern Verve Clicquot says:

      Wasn’t this party in Potrero Hill? I live near there and heard of no electricity issues. If anything, lights would have gone out this AM when it was actually raining.

  19. RollsRoyceRevenge says:

    What would the pictured brain trust be worth to me?

    Let’s see.

    I can offer Tabber Benedict’s driver’s license, Melissa Berkelhammer’s apartment lease, Kipton Cronkite’s family tree, Jason Ross Lee’s penis (never used), Jules Kirby’s copy of Tiffany’s Guide to Teenage Etiquette (never used), Devorah Rose’s sense of moral self worth (never used), Jules Kirby (used).

    On second thought that might be a tad high.

  20. Epictetus Joke says:

    “What’s speed dial?”

    – everybody under 35

    • Wolf, Hemmingway and Khaat Whores says:

      I have friends whose kids are younger than Google!

      Forget vinyl records or cassettes, they don’t even know what a CD is.

      • Helena (Slutty Minnie Castevet) says:

        I thought vinyls were coming back. But I am admittedly expired. Or perhaps I got confused by Donk’s NYE sexy dress. Ba-dum-tss.

        • Winchester House of Fauxtoshoots, Microphones & Book Deals says:

          I was showing one of my nephew nuggets Christmas from when my sisters and I were young. One year we got a phone (with a cord, that plugged into a wall) and ran around like we won the lottery. He said, “You mean you were tied to the wall, like jail? Wow, you’re old.” I jokingly said, “You’re unequivocally out of my will.” He didn’t know what a will was but oddly did know the definition of unequivocally. This exchange left me speechless on many levels.

  21. Stalker is the New 5150 says:

    maybe it was too INCONSEQUENTIAL?


      Or because Gilly has proclaimed we can’t use the word cunt, or be hateful, or that I called her out on her body snarking.

  22. Wolf, Hemmingway and Khaat Whores says:

    Who could look at at SK3B’s greasy goodwill suede coat (that is NOT a metaphor) and think “Yes! I will take financial advice from this woman!”?

    At least Smellsberg is trying to look sort of normal by wearing some kind of suit.

  23. Albie Quirky in Exile says:

    Jennifer Russell has also never heard of science’s wondrous gifts to skin in the form of moisturizers and sunscreen. What fuck is wrong with all these valise-faced ladies that they can’t bother to pick up a little Oil of Olay when they’re at the drugstore for rolling papers?

  24. JuliasTooSmallTutu says:

    These people seem neither wealthy nor secure…in every sense of the word.

    And if 2016 could be the year white people stopped using the word tribe to describe their friends that would be great.

    • Not! Random! says:

      Cultural appropriation: it’s the woo way.

    • Stalker is the New 5150 says:

      It’s so dumb. It’s just a bunch of people who do the same drugs as you! It’s not a group with whom you share culture and ancestors and land. It’s “Oh I’m someone who wears a lot of polyester and shows off my belly button and fucked Ellsberg and so are you! You’re in my tribe!”

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