May I Rant?

lookoutdudes

This still grinds my gears.

And now I can feel it coming. I’m *almost* ready to open my heart for a serious partner. Not now. But … soon. 

Wow! Lucky “boys!” A braying, self-obsessed, stalker-y lunatic who has prompted every dude she’s dated for the past eight years to flee for the hills will SOON be ready for a serious relationship!

Let’s recount. Here’s a random collection of the dudes she’s dated and been turfed by over the better part of a decade (I’d provide links but I am just too lazy; go searching the archives if you want to know more):

Eater Guy: Leaked that she was dating him to Gawker. Dumped. Married someone sane soon after.
Codename TK: Swiftered to avoid spending another minute with her. Dumped but thankfully given an easy out by having an actual girlfriend whom he neglected to mention to an enraged donkey.
Codename PK: Tired of her endless adolescent narcissistic bullshit. Dumped. And guess what? They are no longer “in each other’s lives as people.”
Pancakes McCain: Spent two weeks with her in the “home we shared in Coronado,” seriously weirded out by her hacking into his phone and email and responding coldly to other women as him, dumped her, fled to Guam, fell in love and got married.
JellyD: Terrified by her. Dumped.
Derwood: Lived with her for less than a year; endured her far longer than anyone else has in recent years. Dumped her ass for someone sane.
Avocado: Weirded out by her relentless attempts to nail him down into a serious relationship, including showing up to surprise him in New Orleans. Dumped.

This entry was posted in Best of RBNS, Uncategorized and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

119 Responses to May I Rant?

  1. Random Snowflake says:

    The clam dungeon is *almost* open for business again!

    I’m sure all the boys are on the edge of their seats with excitement..

  2. Wolf, Hemmingway and NACHOS says:

    Run for the hills, wallets of the Bay Area.

    There is a Donkey on the prowl!

  3. LEFOOLIEH says:

    TK was the swiffer-er with GF. PK was the one who dumped her after birthcray meltdown (I think).

    • Handbag is a Master Spankstress says:

      Right, because PK stood for Prom King. I can’t believe how he indulged her in the beginning.

      • Random Snowflake says:

        He was that idiot who took her on “theme dates,” wasn’t he?

        • BeepBeepBoopBeepBeep. I Am A Robot says:

          He was very young and listened to her squawk on and on about that one boyfriend who gave her three dresses from which to choose and wear…blah, blah, blah.

          Poor kid just imitated that guy’s behavior (because Donkey forced it from him).

          Wealthy as F*ck. Paid for Donkey and her girlfriends to fly to Aspen or someplace like that. Then Donkey put the screws to Jordan, in some manner undetermined, and Jordan split on her own. “Lawyers are inevitable” became donkey’s new mantra…then co-opted by RBD. Ha!

          Then Jordan’s tiara went missing.

          I’ve been at this party too long. I need a new hate hobby.

          • Should have been Mrs. Aaron Schock says:

            There was St. Barth’s too! I hate that I know this.

            ALL of these MICRO-relationships make Julie seem so Random, and dare it say it….Basic.

          • dr. cupcake cray cray says:

            didn’t he also fly her to miami or something, where they went bungee jumping or skydiving or something?

          • dr. cupcake cray cray says:

            jfa’ing myself to add, it was a day trip to florida, I believe, which she just thought made her look so cool, to be dating someone who would whisk her off to florida just for the day to go skydiving! such a jetsetter!

          • POLYAMOROUS AFGHANI says:

            Rich as fuck law student (at the time) whose family has a yacht based in the Caribbean, a ski cabin in Aspen, and use of a private jet service (NetJets?). She chided him for “not reading enough” and I think she also implied he had bad taste. Meanwhile, he was younger than her and was basically still a frat guy at heart. It’s also hilarious to imagine uber-douche Peter Baugher being really critical of the family’s pedigree (PK and his self-made 9-figure lawyer father went to 2nd tier law schools). I can imagine nebbish Peter critiquing PK for not being analytical enough or some other bullshit reason. Meanwhile PK has dat chill, luxe lifestyle…

          • Worrisome Pelts says:

            Obviously, he had bad taste: he evered a Donkey.

          • grammarian says:

            such a long long time ago. so many sisters. so many relationships. so many schemes. so many grifts.

    • Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

      Right. Mixed up the Ks. Fixing.

  4. Winchester House of Fauxtoshoots, Microphones & Book Deals says:

    “Not now. But … soon. ” That sounds like a threat to me-hey boys go on ahead and get your restraining orders now.

  5. How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

    Gotchur Codenames reversed, I do believe …

  6. How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

    “Yoohoo, athletically-healthful founder dude!”
    https://c1.staticflickr.com/9/8168/7175421816_5bfa0c935e_z.jpg
    “I just happened to be in your neighborhood!”

  7. BeepBeepBoopBeepBeep. I Am A Robot says:

    You forgot the one who clued us all in to her crazy: REDACTED.

    PK = Prom King?

    • Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

      I left out the REDACTEDs because I feel sorry for them and because I said a “random collection,” you type-A haters !

    • Little Orphan Lilly says:

      Apropos of almost nothing: I originally learned about The Donkey Show through [REDACTED]. I’d just started dating this guy who was in grad school for computer science stuff; he knew of [REDACTED] and was following his projects, and pointed out their relationship blog to me as a “huh, he’s dating a writer too” kind of link. I read it sporadically until it imploded, somehow found my way over to this corner of the internet, and I’ve been here ever since.

      Anyway, because Julia and I are close in age, and because I originally became aware of her through one of her relationships, I’ve always been particularly amused by her relationship history. A delightful bonus is that I ended up marrying the tech guy I was dating. It’s like two roads diverging, and I took the one that wasn’t a mule train. And that has made all the difference.

  8. Dusty Documentary Series says:

    Ugh, yes to this.

    So much deception. At the time, she tried to cast the Devin breakup as her choice, and a loving excellent, Paltrowian split. Now she doesn’t mind admitting it was a painful dumping because she needs the world to think that his apology means he regrets losing her.

    And I guess we are supposed to imagine that it didn’t work out with Avacado because he wanted to life-partner* her and she just wasn’t ready. Quite. Yet.

    *please note how enlightened I am, as indicated by my repurposing random words as verb! You all are probably too caught up in “jobs,” “work,” “raising kids,” and “contributing to society’ to appreciate the truthity of the art I have created by moving my thumbs across a flat pane of light which can be touched, that which we call “typing” on an “iPad.” Wow– we really do live in such a consumeristic society that “things” must have “brand names.”

    • Winchester House of Fauxtoshoots, Microphones & Book Deals says:

      Paltrowian split-love it. I refer to it as #Paltrowing although SociopathicSpin has a nice ring to it as well.

    • Wolf, Hemmingway and NACHOS says:

      I imagine the apology from Debbie went something like this:

      Debbie: Hi, Julia, is this a good time to talk? I was tidying up the basement and found a box full of moldy tutus & nail polish, do you still them want them? I can have them shipped.
      Donkey: I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!
      Debbie: I am sorry if I have offended you. Click.

      Donkey to self: He said HE WAS SORRY, I must tell the world he APOLOGIZED to me me me ME MEEEEEEE. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

  9. Grifty Shades of Bray says:

    I love how she’s spinning this to sound like she has been fighting them off all this time simply because she wasn’t ‘ready’ and that her ‘heart was not open.’ Such bullshit. She glommed on to each and every one of these guys from day one. She says she doesn’t want to have another codependent relationship anymore? Look up the fucking definition of codependency, Donkey. This happens because you think you are nothing without a man and you insist on sucking all the air out of the room to feed your own vortex of need. This is not going to change because you’ve decided to toss out some woowoo buzzwords like ‘opening your heart.’ You’ve never had trouble opening your heart—to your own HUGE EGO. Men in your life are just objects for your ego gratification, and this NEVER WORKS.

  10. Handbag is a Master Spankstress says:

    Does Harvard Harley count? And there was also the guy to whom she gave the gift of tinnitus.

  11. woopocalypse says:

    from Julia’s FB:

    Attention all entrepreneurs who read this FB feed (honestly, I think all but 3 of you are entrepreneurs) … if you EVER have to hire ANYONE, READ THIS ARTICLE.
    “You could argue that you don’t actually want rich, full personalities for your company. You just want achievement drones who can perform specific tasks. I doubt that’s in your company’s long-term interests. But if you fear leaping out in this way, at least think of the effect you’re having on the deeper sensibilities of the next generation, the kind of souls you are incentivizing and thus fashioning, the legacy you will leave behind.”
    HELL YES DAVID BROOKS!!!

    The part that jumped out at me was: “Attention all entrepreneurs who read this FB feed (honestly, I think all but 3 of you are entrepreneurs)”

    All but 3 AND the 140k either fake friends, or random indian stalker dudes.

    • woopocalypse says:

      JFA’ing to say that I don’t really consider woo-grifting (aka Multi-Level Marketing) as “entrepreneurship”. Owning a “company” whose sole purpose is to blast an email list with woo-nonsense regurgitated from other woo-nonsense does not make you an entrepreneur. Therefore “all but 3”, is really more like 50 of 140k+.

    • Grifty Shades of Bray says:

      “Incentivizing.” UGH. USE REAL WORDS AND STOP THE JARGON. And David Brooks again? Who THE HECK is feeding this to her?

    • Dyspeptic's Yahoo Happiness Vertical says:

      Shorter transbraytion: hire peeps who cry, and who don’t give other peeps shit about crying.

    • Dusty Documentary Series says:

      I bet all those powerful entrepreneurs will take Julia’s hiring advice very seriously, considering she has briefly “employed” several illegal interns, and talked about hiring others.

      Oh and also some taskrabbit clothes-folders that one time.

    • Such happy. Many blessed. So lies. says:

      Who is she scolding? These posts are always aimed at someone who didn’t do something she wanted them to do.

      • Dusty Documentary Series says:

        Good point. True every time.

        Imma bet she loudly hinted that Brit mentioned should hire her as ambassador-happiness-goddess or something. Maybe even pushed the issue until Brit said something like, “actually the only position we are hiring for right now is an HR manager with excellent database skills.”

  12. Albie Quirky in Exile says:

    When I was her age, I had just met Mr. Quirky, but a few months previous to that, I could reasonably have described my romantic history as messy and complicated. So I feel her on that point; around that time, I had a relationship with a difficult guy that was about as long as her relationship with Debbois actually was, we talked about marriage, then we had a long and grueling breakup. It’s a place a lot of my friends also found themselves in their early thirties.

    She just never seems to learn anything from her heartbreaks, though. I don’t know if it’s because she lies and spins so much that she’s not sure what’s real anymore?

    Anyway, I’m not judging her for being single at 34. Lots of sane people are in the same boat, and as someone who was single and reeling and floundering at 33 myself, I have sympathy.

    But Julie seems to think she can bully the universe into delivering a husband, and that’s just horrifying.

    • juliaspublicist says:

      I’m judging her for being single at 34. And I’m single at 34.

      • woopocalypse says:

        I am single at 33, and have never once posted anything on social media about my relationship status, my thoughts about relationships, and especially not details about anyone i have ever dated, nor the details of any relationship i have ever been in.

        Those things are not for public consumption. I could excuse once, or even thrice, but Julia is in a world of her own.

        • Albie Quirky in Exile says:

          Good point. Even assuming she has no sense of propriety or boundaries, does she not see what a turn-off that is to potential partners? I know some people here think she’s a sociopath, but honestly if she is, she’s not very good at it.

          • woopocalypse says:

            And if her own facebook page is not enough to turn somebody off, who the hell would ever want to be a reoccurring talking point on RBD?

            when your personality is such that their is an entire website of enthusiastic, smart, and hilarious people shredding you to pieces, AND you read said site and make absolutely no effort to improve yourself (despite your non-sensical, and misguided ramblings about self improvement) – you are not exactly setting yourself up to find the one.

            I don’t care how good the 2nd-date BJ is, I would avoid becoming a character in this circus like the plague.

            And In that regard – I think we are doing a great service – keeping unsuspecting donkey-feed out of the pen.

          • POLYAMOROUS AFGHANI says:

            It’s adverse selection at this point. Any guy she meets will have an opportunity to see her pictures and read her posts. If he can’t sense something is off, he kind of deserves what he gets.

            I wonder what Julia circa 2008 would say about Julia circa 2015. I also wonder if Julia would be able to step back objectively and ponder that type of question.

        • juliaspublicist says:

          Exactly. I’m open to give a deep dickin’, but you don’t see me post that on Facebook.

    • Handbag is a Master Spankstress says:

      A number of people here talk about her narcissistic wound, which seems to be intense, and based on a fantasy of being adored unconditionally by someone (and for the rest of her life). It’s an economic fantasy as much as romantic, and I think every dating disaster confuses her more and more. She doesn’t learn anything, nothing is clarified.

      I don’t judge her at all for being single at 34, and I won’t when she’s 54. Getting married is no accomplishment. But watching her flounder in the same ways for a decade makes me sad for her. She continues to use the words “love” and “partnership” while pointing to god knows what. Whatever she actually thinks “love” is, it causes men to run away screaming. She makes adjustments in her costumes and her vocabulary, and those don’t work. She fusses over her body and face WITHOUT CEASING, and that doesn’t work, and she’s getting older every day. Surely she’s in a bit of a panic at this point.

      • POLYAMOROUS AFGHANI says:

        OT but how would you define love? I know you have studied and thought about things that would touch on this topic. I used to like Scott Peck’s definition in the Road Less Traveled but am wondering what else is out there.

        • Wolf, Hemmingway and NACHOS says:

          “To fall in love is to create a religion with a fallible god.” ― Jorge Luis Borges.

        • Handbag is a Master Spankstress says:

          I think I’d define love the same way Dan did on one of JA’s Facebook posts: as caring more about the happiness and welfare of another than about one’s own. The expressions and dynamics vary from partners to children to friends and animals, but ultimately, it’s all the same. How would you define it?

          • Afghani says:

            Something like the willingness and openness to expand one’s own horizons and take action in order to help someone else pursue their aspirations; the breaking down of barriers so that life is experienced partly through the lens of another.

          • Afghani says:

            The reason I raised this is that I don’t think Julia is capable of love. Definitely she covets and experiences cathexis. She probably lusts after guys too, but for money not looks/physicality. I could never see her really loving anyone.

          • Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

            Agree totally.

          • Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

            Agreed.

          • Morrocanwear with Antlers and a PAID ecstatic dancing gig says:

            This is why I love RBD.

      • winnetkasnot says:

        This is the thing that is creepiest about her woo set. I see them as being deeply conservative at heart. They’re incredibly materialistic (with their cleanses and “natural” products), invested in the trappings of wealth, and obsessed with how they are viewed by the opposite sex.

        I don’t see anything that different between the woos and friends of mine who went to Miss Porter’s, other than the costumes they wear.

        • Worrisome Pelts says:

          Nobody wants the woos on their turf, but you know if they have a political bumper sticker on their Prius, it’s not for Mitt Romney. These people see themselves as liberal in every sense of the word.

          • Random Snowflake says:

            I’m not as sure.. InSwain had “liked” the Fox & Friends show on Facebook I noticed..

          • Albie Quirky in Exile says:

            There are a lot of Ron and Rand Paul types in that crowd. Also “I don’t vote” characters.

            Agree that Julie’s Mark Kirk connection probably doesn’t come up.

    • Grifty Shades of Bray says:

      Regarding learning from her breakups, I remember her writing that Pancakes had taught her to examine how she put herself out there and that it might not be terribly genuine or honest. Maybe someone can find this in her blog archives after their breakup. I remember thinking wow, she heard something he criticized her for, but what was so weird is that she just reverted right back to that behavior again. It’s like she heard it, it impressed her enough to blog about it, and then she just dismissed it all and went back to famewhoring, and in fact doubled down. I wouldn’t be surprised if Devin gave her an earful too, and Avocado made that remark about feeling like he was just a chapter in her book. She hears, but she does not really listen. It is exactly what Robin said to her on that Miss Advised outtake.

      • Who do you think you are? says:

        Didn’t PK tell her that she’s not very thoughtful? (I may be getting the exact wording wrong.) So, she has been hearing feedback from people who are not cat ladies for at least that long, and still no learn button.

    • Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

      I am all for lifelong single ladies. Seriously, good on them. Have also told all the younger female relatives in my life that they absolutely do not EVER need to get married and reproduce. That the world is their oyster; that they do not need to conform to that bullshit.

      My issue with her is the lies. The suggestion that she simply wasn’t ready, that her heart was closed, and HALLELUJAH BOYS HERE I COME, I AM READY!!

      She has been desperate to lock down a dude for a decade, but is so goddamned selfish and self-obsessed that all she has cared about is how much they can serve her ego. She conflates love with ego-stroking. She doesn’t even fucking know what it is. The only person she’s ever loved and ever will love is herself. So she can zip it about this lie that now she’s ready, because until now, she simply wasn’t the “emotionally healthy Julia that she is today.” She’s been suggesting that FOR FUCKING 10 YEARS! And she is still mental!

      • Such happy. Many blessed. So lies. says:

        So, wait. She wasn’t ready to find love when she went on a crappy tv show all about love “experts” who wanted to find love. This may be a surprise to the producers. And to the editor of her “column” about how she was ready for love.

        Or maybe it won’t, because they know she’s a lying liar who lies.

      • Albie Quirky in Exile says:

        I hope it didn’t come off like I was suggesting you were judging her for being single! She’s clearly the one with a bee in her bonnet about mawwiage.

        • Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

          No, not at all. We are and always have been simpatico, my beloved Albie. I was just ranting.

      • Winchester House of Fauxtoshoots, Microphones & Book Deals says:

        The lies we tell ourselves are always far worse than the ones told to us. She lacks the ability to be honest with herself and why she will always be unhappy. Whether single or in a relationship her personal lack of honesty will prevent happiness. AND this is why no one in their right mind would ever publish her book on happiness.

  13. juliaspublicist says:

    She’s such a scab. And a piece of shit.

  14. stalker is the new divinity in the mundane says:

    The fact that she couldn’t even get a Burning Man boyfriend is the KLEW to how fucking awful she is.

    • Wolf, Hemmingway and NACHOS says:

      She must have sucked a dusty cock or two in the desert, but nobody came back for seconds.

    • Grifty Shades of Bray says:

      I wonder why she didn’t throw herself at that dude who did the Tedx talk about wanting to find his soulmate. She had him pick her up. Hitch McDermid, I think his name was?

      • Worrisome Pelts says:

        “Hitch McDermid” sounds like a skin condition one picks up at an unclean gym.

      • Albie Quirky in Exile says:

        I bet she did throw herself at him, but he has lots of crazy ideas about his soulmate that don’t intersect with A Donkey.

        He seems like a huge douchebag, so not sure which one of them dodged a bullet tbh.

  15. RollsRoyceRevenge says:

    “I am sorry I ever fucking met your crazy ass”, while containing the word “sorry”, is not, in fact, an apology.

  16. Fauxto of Dorian Bray (In Reverse) says:

    O/T MAJi is posting about a frog toxin cleanse. For real. http://kambocleanse.com/learn-about-kambo/

    All I can think of is Homer Simpson: “I’m not not licking toads.”

    • Albie Quirky in Exile says:

      God, those people are stoopid.

      • Fauxto of Dorian Bray (In Reverse) says:

        Oh, yes, my good man, please intuit the proper dose of FROG TOXIN!

        • Psycho-delic Ballerina fka Lurker says:

          I thought you were making a funny, but it really does say that!!! Wow. Also, Pamela Madsen is in town and Skanky and Fozzie had a sexytimes session with her last night. Isn’t Fozzie’s dad friends with Shanti on fb? I’m sure he loved that post.

          • Albie Quirky in Exile says:

            Pamela is so grannyish! I find her just thoroughly unsexy, between the scoldy tone and the over-the-top language. I feel like you could be going down on her and she’d tell you your bedroom was an eyesore and a disgrace and you’d better clean it up if you wanted any more of her tantric yoni-bounty.

            (not an age thing, I’m 50 myself)

          • LakeWooBeGone says:

            NACHOS!

    • Little Orphan Lilly says:

      I love that one of the photos illustrating the cleansing process is literally a dude with his head hanging over a bucket. That looks fun!

  17. Gilly Blake, PowerpussyCEO Hot Smashing Gilly Blake says:

    My husband actually read this post and just weighed in: “Jacy’s got a game show here, doncha think? Alex provides the clues and the cat peeps provide the names, with the studio audience yelling “DUMPED!” whenever there’s a correct response. ‘Who is Avocado, Alex?’ ‘Dumped!’ Maybe Wheelburro of Misfortune?”

  18. Albie Quirky in Exile says:

    Now she’s sucking up to Justine Musk on FB. And two links to David Brooks articles in the last day or so. What fuck is brewing in that noggin full of scheme juices?

    • Sad Rat In Sidewalk (Would Only Go If I Spoke) says:

      Wow, that Justine Musk post sure takes a nasty passive-aggressive dig at Elon.

      • POLYAMOROUS AFGHANI says:

        excerpt plz?

        (Bro who doesn’t use facebook)

        • Albie Quirky in Exile says:

          She posted a story by her 8-year-old son, so I won’t repost it, but she described him as saying that the Model S was a bad car because it didn’t have a reading light in the back.

          • POLYAMOROUS AFGHANI says:

            I dunno, seems more like she’s subtly bragging that her ex husband founded Tesla. Everyone knows the Model S is a great car.

          • Albie Quirky in Exile says:

            Yes, I didn’t see it as a dig.

            I get uneasy when I see parents brag about their young kids’ hyperlexia and precocious fixations. Sure, you do well on tests when your brain is like that, but I know that I wish my parents had gotten me help for all the downsides that go with it.

          • Worrisome Pelts says:

            @Albie: THIS.

            @Afghani: Everyone? Very few people care about Tesla.

      • Random Snowflake says:

        Elon’s company SpaceX just had another successful rocket launch just about an hour ago. 🙂

      • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

        I didn’t think so ..

  19. Dances with Hooves says:

    Julia Allison
    17 mins · San Francisco, CA ·
    Who wants to go give blood with me!? And who knows … where to do this? (I guess I could just … google it.)
    Like · Share

  20. LakeWooBeGone says:

    NACHOS ALERT NACHOS ALERT NACHOS ALERT NACHOS ALERT

    Julie’s lates product endorsement:

    Julia Allison
    28 mins · San Francisco, CA ·

    My friend Jules Cazedessus has launched a epic new product designed especially for women — Venus Matters makes gorgeous, waterproof and washable mats to prevents stains or wet-spots on the the sheets. Venus Mats are great for new mothers, women on their periods or anyone in need of extra support during an especially … delicious … experience. wink emoticon

    Pre-sale ends in just four days!

    http://igg.me/at/venusmatters

  21. Lake Woo Be Gone says:

    Look – I’m not the original lake woo be gone – but I didn’t steal the idea – came up with it independent like – just wanna say –

    Fuck you Peter Baugher. Fuck you forever. You’re a real human atrocity to support this total asshole. She shit on me once. Honestly. Totally. She shit on me. I’m a hard working honest guy and she took a great big narcissistic dump on my life.

    And you – YOU – are fucking responsible. So is she – and she is miserable which is an obvious side effect of being a full time piece of selfish shit – but Peter, you support and NEVER REIGN IN this SHITTING ON OTHERS which seems to be her MO. So – fuck you Peter Baugher. Seriously I hope you curl up in a bathtub sometime soon and ask yourself why – you’re really the enabler. And we all hate you. For good reason.

    • Dr. Gary says:

      Raul?

    • Worrisome Pelts says:

      Do you and your dad own a moving company by any chance?

    • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

      Is your mama a Power Mom of the Kenilworth deBallage?

    • Fameless Shamewhore says:

      Wouldn’t it be kind, given that you want to join in here, if you were to choose another username? Isn’t it very “Julia-ish” to insist on using this name when you *know* someone else claimed it ages ago? There are loads of great username suggestions all the time.

    • LickedRandi'sCake says:

      Skittles? Is that you?

Comments are closed.