And Now For Something Completely Different: Donk’s 73-Point Checklist

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Remember this? Just two years ago? And yet now she’s all “FREE LOVE!” and railing against the nuclear family. Oh honey. (LOL full head of hair re: Avocado).

Revisit this goodness, type-A haters:

Julia Allison’s 73-Point Checklist Because She Has So Very Much To Offer A Man

1. Loves me unconditionally
2. Kind / thoughtful / sweet / doting
3. Brilliant
4. Intellectual curiosity
5. Well-read / loves reading / reads The Atlantic, Fast Company, WIRED
6. Fascinating
7. Creative
8. Fantastic conversationalist
9. Can talk with him for hours and not run out of things to say
10. Handsome / tall / great body / will age well / full head of hair
11. Morally sound / honest / ethical
12. Dependable
13. Strong & consistent emotionally
14. Faithful / loyal
15. Good family values
16. Adventurous
17. Fun!
18. Hilarious / makes me laugh
19. Understands me
20. Great school / well-educated
21. Fantastic, close-knit, smart friends
22. Ambitious
23. Entrepreneurial
24. Generous
25. Financially responsible
26. Wonderful family / intact parental marriage
27. Chemistry (physical, intellectual, and emotional)
28. Wants to live in a warm climate (preferably Palo Alto)
29. Makes me feel secure and loved
30. Supports me emotionally
31. Chivalrous / impeccable manners
32. Preppy dresser
33. Enjoys playing tennis, horseback riding, skiing, biking
34. Would make a great dad and wants to have kids (would have beautiful, smart kids with me!)
35. Beautiful writer and speaker
36. Writes love letters
37. Well-traveled / wants to travel with me (in style!)
38. Spiritual / believes in God / has strong faith
39. Does good for others
40. Brings out the best in me / makes me a better person
41. A true teammate and partner
42. Has a close knit, fun, intelligent, interesting family who loves me
43. Is within five years of my age
44. Loves learning
45. Romantic
46. Always makes me feel special
47. Pushes me to be my best self
48. Can play piano or guitar brilliantly (or sing)
49. Healthy
50. Temperate and not into excessive drinking or irresponsible drug use
51. Teaches me interesting things every day
52. Inspiring
53. Respectful
54. Worldly
55. Is ready to get married in the next two years
56. Has a beautiful home / great eye for design
57. Owns a fast, sexy car
58. Confident
59. Talented lover
60. Balanced — values his work, friends, and hobbies (but I am top priority!)
61. Connected
62. Well-liked / beloved
63. Loves animals — especially Lilly!
64. 75% homebody, 25% enjoys swanky events
65. Politically liberal / socially liberal
66. Great photographer / likes taking photos
67. Loves a good costume party!
68. Joie de vivre
69. First marriage (never been married or engaged before)
70. Perceptive
71. Will support me in whatever I want to do
72. A good friend
73. Dreams big — and makes those dreams a reality

382 COMMENTS

  1. I’d love for Julie to tell us which of the 73 points on her checklist Avacado meets?

    • I’ll go through it. 7 (I am not a fan of the tweedling, but it’s a creative gig); 17, maybe; 28, most likely; 38, most likely; 48, we’ll give him that one; 49; 67; 69; 72, most likely (he seems supportive of his fellow tweedlers); 73 by the standards of her new crowd, sure.

      I think even Derwood scored way higher.

      • I found the rest on the BRAVO site:

        http://www.bravotv.com/miss-advised/season-1/blogs/julia-allison/wake-up-call?page=0,3&cid=related_blog

        1) Be open and creative and encourage me to be the same
        2) “Say YES” should be his mentality
        3) Protect my individuality, freedom, and autonomy
        4) Encourage personal growth and the full development of my authentic self
        5) Create a satisfying, experimental, open sex life (!)
        6) Dedicate our relationship to learning, growing, evolving, and contributing
        7) Be excited to work on creative projects together with me
        8) Create an unconventional life with me
        9) Experiments with everything
        10) Deeply intuitive
        11) Is a MAN
        12) Sexually delicious
        13) Loves fully
        14) Sees my mess and loves me for it

          • Also– surprise, surprise!– they are all about her. Supports ME. Protects ME. For ME.

            There’s a certain kind of blogger over here who does this. They’ll be dating and writing about someone for several months and my friend and I will sit over coffee trying to figure out one thing we know about the man himself. Nada! It’s all, he gave me this, he wore that, he drives this car, he’s so sweet to me, he cooked this for me, he ran this errand for me, he told me how beautiful I am, he really loves me, etc. etc. etc. Not one indication of personality of any kind. Maybe looks and financial stats, if they’re deemed bragworthy. So low.

  2. Her window for “69. First marriage (never been married or engaged before)” is rapidly closing, unless she fancies being a beard. Again.

    • Double standard, too! She was engaged before, after all.

      I got married at 35 and huscat was 38, first marriage for both of us, first engagement for him. I hesitate to say how many of her checklist items he meets because I don’t want to brag (and because I think her checklist is fucking ridiculous) but I will say that he’s a flaming atheist, hates dressing up in either formal wear or costumes, and drives an elderly Honda Civic.

      • Oh, yeah, people totally make awesome marriages after their Donk-dicktated expiration dates, but she is shooting for an incredibly narrow, borderline-imaginary slice of the dating pool. Every day that passes, fewer of the dudes she thinks she deserves are available – either because they are engaged/married/divorced or because they’ve decided they don’t ever plan to be engaged/married. As with the bathroom scale (Calm down, Kevin!), her birth certificate and her [earned] bank balance, the numbers are not on her side.

      • I thought it was ridiculous until I realized that my fiancee meets 68 out of 73. He’s an enthusiastic Donkey hater as well, he’s kind of disappointed he hasn’t seen more of her around the neighborhood.
        /brag

    • Since I feel like I’ve been in some ways rung, I want to say I was just chatting with a GF about how common “starter marriages” are and how we feel weird, so far past our expiry dates, to not have had one. Really it’s not weird at all. I wouldn’t give it a second thought. Shows a man can commit, honestly.

      • I just enjoy needling the Donkey. She laid out a scenario where someone must have all of these qualities without realizing that 1) that’s beyond stupid; 2) with such tight restrictions, the population of men she could consider committing to is decreasing all the time; 3) she’s a cunt; 4) that’s beyond stupid.

        • Grams, I’m sensing a theme. Do you live below the Mason-Dixon or has someone pushed your buttons? If so, tell me who and I can get after them at Sunday lunch after church. We’re all related, you know.

          • Border state dweller here. Married at 21, separated at 30, divorced at 33. This second time around, I am SO glad I am older and past expiry. Current cat meets, at a conservative estimate, 58 of Julia’s 73 original demands, and most of the others I couldn’t give a flying flip about (fast car? warm climate? No thanks).

        • Not just in the South! I am as Northeast as they get and I swear at least half the people I knew who married before 25 were divorced by 30.

          Most of them are more emotionally stable than the 30-year-olds who stuck around in a messed-up 10-year relationship that never turned into marriage yet they just. couldn’t. leave. even. when. they. wanted. to.

          • It’s weird. Also from the Northeast & I don’t know many people who were married before 30. Some at 27 or 28, I guess, but not many.

      • I was just chatting about this with some friends this weekend. One was adamant that she only wants a guy who’s worked out all his issues with a first marriage.

  3. Owns and home and a fast car. No excessive drug use. Preppy dresser.

    OH PANCAKES HOW WE MISS YOU.

  4. I know we all want a distraction from the recent drama, but this list isn’t even self-consistent. Like 71 conflicts with 44, 70 conflicts with 1, etc. I seriously hope no dude ever marries her. It would almost be a fate worse than death.

    • I hope someone who shares her delusions and deserves her shit marries her. Jacy has waited years for this wedding and she will not be denied.

      • I pine so badly for one that I have now taken to watching Say Yes To The Dress and imagining just what a melodramatic arsehole she’d be on that show — as a bride or a bridesmaid.

        • I think her parents will give in and pay for her to have an amazing Donkstravaganza at the Lakeside Assisted Puking In The Shower Facility, which will alienate all of her Peace/Love/Grift bunnies. She’ll be left staring out at a sea drainage ditch of embarrassed relatives, cringing high school debate partners, and her dad’s horrified colleagues. She’ll want her nephew to be the ring bearer, but will freak at the last minute when she realizes how much tinier and cuter than her he is.

          Oh, man. I’m getting really excited about this. MAKE OUR DREAMS COME TRUE, BLOCKHEAD!

        • I have seen almost every episode of that show (including some of the spinoffs) and I hate myself for it.

          • I am so utterly anti-wedding. I truly always have been. I have been married once and we got married in the morning and had a garden party and everything was done by 2 p.m. No dancing, no speeches, no receiving line, no big meal, and a summer cocktail dress. So I am confused as to why I watch that show with delight. Did you see the one on Friday night with the sister-in-law from hell, a young blonde chick who was clearly psychotic, and the poor bride was terrified of her? That was AWESOME.

          • It’s queued up on my DVR for when I get home 🙂 I fucking love those psycho bitches

        • I’d love to see her on there as a bridesmaid-pushing the bride off the stage and demanding that she too should wear a wedding dress and tiara (wait is that already a re-run in her life?)

          • She’s been pretty shitty as a bridesmaid to date, hasn’t she? I am thinking of the green dress she didn’t bother to get hemmed when she was that one girl’s bridesmaid.

            Honestly, weddings bring out Peak Cray in our Julie. Who can forget the pink cowboy hat, frock, ‘n’ boots ensemble at the Morin nups? Or the Mrs. Roper Special accessorized with a throw rug at the Meagan Marks festivities?

            Though I honor Wife of Dan, Esq. for her stern hand in keeping a Donkey media-silent about that wedding, I feel she dealt the cause of Internet comedy a severe blow. Because you know Julie did something mortifying there.

          • Her MEMEME speech at and her dancing alongside the groom / mother of groom dance (or was it the bride / groom dance) at her brother’s wedding were MORTIFYING.

  5. Ok, I joined okcupid about a week ago and was feeling overwhelmed, so I googled online dating tips. I came across an article that plugged Amy Webb’s book Data, A Love Story, which is about a woman who was frustrated with dating and constructed a 72-point checklist describing her perfect man. Spoiler: she found him, and they’re married.

    http://www.slate.com/articles/double_x/doublex/2013/01/amy_webb_s_data_a_love_story_using_algorithms_and_charts_to_game_online.html

    Obviously, given Julia’s history of plagiarism, I immediately thought that Julia’s 73-point checklist was unoriginal in addition to being completely insane. However, Webb’s book was published in 2013, after Miss Advised. But since Webb apparently wrote the list at the age of thirty and was born in 1974, that means she wrote the list in 2004 approximately. It’s possible that they met randomly at some point, and Julia stole her gimmick????? This seems like a little far-fetched to me, but I just can’t believe that two people independently had such a similar, batshit idea! Webb’s book is so offensive that I couldn’t even read the entire excerpt.

    • Based on some of my college acquaintances, delusional women with princess fantasies making impossible-to-fulfill lists of requirements for their future mates is totally a thing. Donkey can’t even be craycray in an interesting or original way.

    • I think JA mentioned someone else having a big list. She might have even linked to The Person With the Massive List. And of course could not be out done so made her own (longer) list.

    • That was several personalities ago. I could dig up the more recent photo of her fat finger jabbing at her Obama vote, if it would help prove the point that she has no deeply-held convictions. Donkey is a wad of smugly jello: she conforms to the shape of whatever container she stuffs herself into.

        • At that point she described her political views as, “I try not to have them,” which is probably more accurate than either of the photos in question.

        • It’s actually interesting to note that “R” (Jack’s wife) rails against a whole bunch of GOP social stances on her twitter page. Most recently she decried the Supreme Court ruling in the Hobby Lobby case. She clearly isn’t that conservative, but I’d guess their connection is at least somewhat based on being in the military and probably supporting “strong national defense”.

          • I want to believe it’s a marriage of love but more likely strategy. And reason 7,540 donkey was pack muled outta there at warp speed.

          • I am not sure about that; they have the military in common, which seems like a decent starting point. And Jack’s wife is a lot smarter than he is. If it was strategic, I don’t think he would pick someone like her.

          • I technically went to high school with her. I don’t, off-hand, know anyone who was friends with her, but I’ve also never asked. Like, what would I do even if I did find the connection? She was a freshman when I was a senior, and I only went to that school for half the year, so it isn’t like there is a ton of room for overlap.

            None of that is relevant to anything except that I wouldn’t be surprised – based on where she was born/raised – if she is rather liberal.

            It must be twuly wuv!

          • Given her role in the service, I would guess she joined up to get school paid for. Nothing wrong with that. The ROTC program at my university turns out mainly people who will rarely, if ever, come into contact with weapons and will certainly never encounter an “enemy” unless they are providing humanitarian aid to the person. I can’t be bothered to look up her alma mater, but they may very well funnel people in a similar direction.

          • Meghan McC has some socially liberal tendencies also. I don’t think this is so surprising about Jack’s wife.

          • Well, the town where we went to school is right next to an AFB, so I am sure that played some role, too. In fact, I would – with no real knowledge so don’t quote me – venture a guess that her dad being in the service might be why her family wound up moving/settling there. That’s what happened with mine, at least.

  6. The thing that has always cracked me up about this pile of bullshit is its idiotic intention to convey that Ol’ Donk, increasingly desperate, is some ineffably refined and picky princess who regularly has to turn down heaps of suitors who are eager to marry her and who meet 72 points of said pile of bullshit, but, alas, they do NOT want to live in a warm climate, preferably Palo Alto. Or they do NOT play the piano, or if they do, sadly they only play it so-so, not BRILLIANTLY. Or they are six years older than Donks, thus NOT within five years of her age. Sorry, Brilliant Worldly Never-Married-Before Sexy-Car-Owning Preppy Dresser, Princess Donkey has no use for you.

    IIRC, some clueless randoms fell for this aspect of the whole bizarreness during the MA days and posted to Donkey something along the lines of, “stop being so picky and give someone a chance!” I laughed so hard I developed asthma. The way I see it, being picky has never been Donkey’s problem. Her real list consists of three points: 1) Rich, very; 2) Statusy (in accordance with her ignorant hick standards); 3) All His Attentions Belong to Donk, throughout the universe in draconian perpetuity. That would definitely do, trust, clueless randoms. She doesn’t give a shit about “loves reading” or “would be a great dad,” and she has LITERALLY no idea what terms such as “intellectual curiosity,” “fantastic conversationalist,” “morally sound,” “loyal,” “does good for others,” or “smart friends” mean.

    Also, if you’re a writer, why are you such a fuckwit and think that, for example, “Brings out the best in me / makes me a better person” and “Pushes me to be my best self” or “Fun!” and “Joie de vivre” are two sets of two different things? Because you are a fuckwit? Oh, right.

    • I know. There was this one guy I met who was 74% Homebody and 26% loves Swanky Events and I was like “no dice.”

      I suppose I should point out that Swanky Events was the stripper who lived down the hall.

      • Imagine my surprise when he asked how I felt about Improbable Positions. She makes a lovely tater tot casserole, btw.

        • It’s not Birthday Chicken without Tater Tot Casserole. Particularly since both of them work the gay-for-pay circuit.

    • It was ineffable to watch her on MA giving talking-head, “oh tee-hee, people say I am too strict with my checklist but hee-haw I am picky and worth it.”

      Cut to Julia, LITERALLY, GENUINELY flinging her body through space, braying “KISSMEWHYWONTYOUKISSMEPICKMEUPCOMEONEJUSTPICKMEUP,” at one dude or another that she had just met.

      • The racing around the handsome, tall black dude on the beach part is permanently seared into my brain. Rarely have I felt that much second-hand humiliation.

      • I never actually WATCHED Miss Adviced because I know I would die if I did, but yeah, I think I got a pretty good idea.

        4 real though, those three points I listed above. She will, um err oops, WOULD (because let’s be real, the days where these people paid attention to her seem to be WELL over now) so “give a chance” to ANY guy meeting at least two of those, and by “give a chance” I mean the poor guy would be tit-thrusted unconscious, yoo-hooed all over the internet, his email and phone hacked, and his fiancée would eventually get an “tee hee overlapping” email / her bunny boiled. Keep the helo in the air, babe!

        The idea that she would give a moment’s thought to wonder whether or not a rich statusy guy paying All His Attentions to her “loves learning” is patently ridiculous.

  7. I’d love to see Donkey’s 73-point list of qualities she can offer another person.
    1. Have a dog for you to love.
    2. You can play out your underage fantasies with me because I have the intellect and emotional maturity of a pre-teen.
    3. Will dance for you.

    • 4. Will suck cock on a second date. Coincidentally the only time she’ll stop talking about herself.

      • 6. Will make you feel super hip in comparison (i.e. an iPod filled with more than Disney, Journey, and played out musical theater soundtracks)

        7. Will offer you the opportunity to practice your photography/fauxto-chop skills.

        8. Won’t make you feel tempted to procreate. At all.

        • 9. European escapades on Dad$er’s dime.
          10. Tinnitus.
          11. A creeping hatred for Equus africanus asinus.
          12. One remaindered copy of Experiments in Happiness, published Spring 2051 by St. Martin’s Robotic Press.
          13. Ibid.
          14. Ibid.
          …..
          10000. Ibid.

          • 16. Already has offensive Injun costume for your spawn’s Thanksgiving pageant
            17. No pesky job to threaten your masculinity
            18. Plenty of room for your things on her sparse bookshelves
            19. No art on the walls, save one sad photo of some non-Donkey in a tutu– you can play shadow animals
            20. Chocolate sheets will hide the santorum
            21. Makes you feel young by constantly referring to you as a boy
            22. Save money on college wear for your kids, since she already owns every sweatshirt, cap, mug, tote bag, etc
            23. In case you forget her name, it’s embroidered on pillows, lit up in neon, etc
            24. She would probably give you a blumpkin, while high on Tresemme fumes and gazing over your shoulder at a prom dress hanging on the bathroom wall

          • @Tingolayo – If I hadn’t *just* gotten my beloved name back, I would so call myself Offensive Injun Costume. Well done.

        • 10001. No need for a flotation cushion if in a water landing.

          10002. Ayahuasca smoothies.

          10003. Extra bindis on hand in case rhinestone gets cried off.

        • #25 – the feeling of shutting me up with your cock will blow your fucking mind.

          #26 – cures your desire for anal sex

          #27 – makes you look less stupid when compared to her

          #28 – probably won’t murder you bobbit-style. probably.

          #29 – dumbfuck parents

          #30 – rich, dumbfuck parents

          #31 – cool BIL with sweet wife

          #32 – will attack men if provoked or relaxed

          #33 – always gets the best parking spots

          #34 – suddenly, you are relevant to 100s of people who will.. give you a nickname for life.

          #35 – platonic clit-flicker friends

          #36 – see ally mcshanti’s tits if you hang out long enough

          #37 – easy manipulated with drugs, sex, food, and attention.

          #38 – will turn your penis interesting colors

          • huge fan of yours lurker. compliments from zeus.

            #39 – pity fucks galore

            #40 – huge stash of makeup

            #41 – castro-adjacent

            #42 – cheap

            #43 – impressed by uber

            #44 – gets high off placebos

            #45 – lots of free swag

            #46 – bi-coastal. meaning anything goes on a beach outside the US.

            #47 – cums at sound of own name

            #48 – she’s a dancer

          • I wouldn’t put too much money on #28. Now a days when she releases her inner rage beast she just makes bitchy comments on Facebook. If she actually lived with someone and they caught her while she was raging? Severing a sex organ isn’t something I would put past her.

    • Momser’s check list for Baby Julia
      1) Has a pulse. Or not. LIU.
      2) Is deaf.
      3) Has a neck condition that makes his head nod constantly.
      4) Has a severe speech impediment that limits him to expressions such as “yes dear” and “whatever you want princess”.
      5) Has a powerful mother with yacht money and happens to never be around aside from dropping off spending/rent/Adderall money for Weenie Veggie Brains III
      6) Finds Teletubbies to be a profound and sexually delcious, especially the pink sparkly one that only shows up around magic pill time.
      7) Is bound to a very handsome male model slave like Yoda on the back of Luke Skywalker and insists on everyone speaking through his “authenticity costume” man.

  8. Completely o/t but Emily Gould is being interviewed on Radio NZ right now and I’m interested to hear what bullshit comes out. She’s being promoed as a “woman in literary circles and previous editor of Gawker.com”.

  9. Jesus Christ. How many criteria on her list does SHE meet?

    3. Brilliant ? Hahahahahahahaha.

    11. Morally sound / honest / ethical? Hahahahahah.

    25. Financially responsible? Hahahahahahaha.

    69. First marriage (never been married or engaged before)? Airbrushed that from the resume…

    • Ooh, I like this game! Well, she definitely gets full marks for #1—she loves herself with a wild, unholy passion. Half credit at best for #20; she attended a fine high school and two good colleges, but managed to learn exactly jack point shit there. As for #26, the ‘Fogger and the Bird seem to get along, and her brother and most of her cousins seem like good sorts, so give her that one. She can have #28, #43, #55, and #67, too. Other than that, not so much.

  10. Contrast this with the Shantitown list; where the only criteria is you are monogamous with her while she goes out and does what-evs with who-evs. By the way, she has a cold this week and you’d think she’s the only person in the history of the planet to catch one– her fb page is a fascinating catalogue of Woo Cures for the Common Cold (none of which are working). Also, Pamela Madsen and the two homeless guys seem to have picked up some really bad grifter habits since meeting Shantitown. They are all hosting a conference call tomorrow, together, about clit flicking retreats, Madsen appears to think about, write about, have, do, sex 24/7. Doesn’t anybody care about global warming? World Peace? Chamber music? I’m exhausted.

    • The circle of grift. When Craigers and Ali first strong armed her into providing them with sessions for free, she was all, uh, who are you, I don’t do this for free, get off my lawn. And of course now she and Ali are besties.

      • The funny thing is, I listened to the soundcloud of their initial conversation and PM initially slagging her off, and during the recording I heard PM making obnoxious gluttonous eating noises during a good part of it. When I saw her photos it all made sense.

      • We need a separate blog, or sub-blog for Donkey’s supporting cast. (Wooville? Grifterville? Wooville Grifters?) I don’t like to take attention away from RBD’s mission but really, hovering in the background are all these nutballs who are also blog-worthy . . . . .

    • She’s apparently on death’s door but found time to shill for a fellow grifter’s book called, I kid you not, Choose Yourself. As for annoying, grammatically challenged sex addict Marsden, of course she’s pals with Shantitown. Dear Pam posted this yesterday. The only woo term she’s missing is “alchemized.”

      When I release my erotic self from societies constrained container of how I am “suppose to be”, my life flows with color and a kind of energy that heightens and sensitizes and strengthens all of my experiences.

          • “Deep Dive” is another. (We need a Woo-glossary to go with the new Woo-ville blog). Yeah, I kinda liked Pamela in her WTF soundcloud sessions with Shanti and Craiggers. (esp. when she said “What’s with recording these sessions? I think it’s weird.” But she has apparently decided to assimilate or be destroyed.

    • Meanwhile, on Shantitown’s checklist is a man (or multiple men) who “want[s] for me what my heart wants even if it causes some measure of pain for him. His desire for my pleasure and joy supersedes his pain. And vice versa.”

    • UHHHHHM CANNOT… RESIST.. URGE.. TO… POST..

      (or do we not want his kind here? havent checked the site. that Max dude doesn’t sound like yadda ydaddy yadda.)

      • Ahem, MY sexy husband, Sam Biddle. He is MINE MINE MINE in the greatest romance there ever was, even greater than that of Julia and fill-in-the-blank.

        • Wait did someone tell this Biddle character that all the commenters here are hot? Damn you! Enjoy the competition fucker!

          • I don’t understand. I can’t be hot and also fat, slovenly, dusty and dusted with Cheeto powder.

            Or can I?

            WORK THAT ORANGE SPARKLE, GIRL.

            Please call me by my BM name: Pixie Cheeto Dust Orange Sparkle Fart.

          • My thoughts exactly, cakez.

            BTW I think I asked in one of the earlier threads and it got buried somewhere, or I just imagined it, or whatever, but just in case you didn’t see it: do you still use the same email addy you used while you were here? I’ve been meaning to send you some links but don’t want to just throw them into the wild and / or bother you if that email is no longer for that kind of thing. And by “that kind of thing” I mean things related to locked cemeteries etc. 🙂

        • Helena – Yes! That’s not my professional email address, but it is the one linked straight to my iPhone email account because I’ve had it for a bajillion years. Send away, I love getting emails from my cathomies!

      • I don’t know who Sam Biddle is, but seeing how he has all the catpeeps throwing their virtual panties at him, I’m going to research this with a quickness.

    • lol.

      JolieKerr
      The donkey brays at midnight.

      krakenskulls
      I’d give the secret handshake, but I have no hooves.

  11. I really hope Jolie is a secret (or not so secret) cat lady. I loved her “Ask a Clean Person” column on The Hairpin.

        • Ahhhhhhhh yesssssssssss. I burned another one out and I need to replace it STAT. The very nice people at Sweater Stone sent me a sample that I finally tried out this morning and … I hated it. Lint shavers 4 lyfe.

          • Will this work on good cotton sheets that pill? I have a set that are driving me nuts with pills but I love them otherwise.

          • Hate to be a pest, but do you like the electric conair type ones or the little analog comby ones? I need exthpert advithe.

          • Not pesty at all! Sheesh, for the hundreds (thousands?) of hours of comic relief this place has provided, consider me at your beck and call.

            I prefer the motorized ones to any other kind of lint removing contraption. Here’s what I wrote about them on Jezebel: “Lint Shavers: I’m trying to come up with the best way to express to you how much I love my lint shaver, and how to ensure that you understand how very, very strongly I recommend it and here’s what I’ve got—if I had to choose between my lint shaver and never drinking wine again, I would need to spend a lot of time considering my answer. And then I’d choose the wine because hello? BUT I’D THINK ABOUT IT. Anyway. Lint shavers! They’re pretty awesome.”

            My lint shaver love runs deep.

      • Dear A Clean Person,

        A former sister said I look “dusty.” What is the best way to scrape off an encrusted layer of expired foundation, amateur body paint, and lies?

        • I snorted. (I cannot even BEGIN to tell you the rage I fly into when she pulls her “I hired a TaskRabbit to organize my pantry” and “I’m so OCD I clean alongside the cleaning lady” crap. Oh my God.)

          • That drives me insane. “I am SO OCD but I cannot figure out how to organize my pantry.” Jesus.

          • What is there to organize? Cans of chili, laxatives and tampons?
            Bitch you don’t “cook”.

          • Considering outing myself just to also say hey. When we meet again…

            Meanwhile, I am sure I don’t need to remind everyone here that the indomitable Jolie is not only a beloved internet columnist but a New York Times bestselling Author at Book Deal.

            Does Jolie’s book contain 80+pages of full-color (bright) photos featuring the author in ill-fitting synthetic yoga bras and tutus made from feather dusters, leaping about like a loon?

            Find out for yourselves. And buy two– makes a great gift!

  12. oh crap. not to beat a dead horse, but can those of you who made meditation recs on JFA’s thread possibly repeat them here? i regret now not writing them down, insert procrastination joke here, etc etc.

    also, jolie kerr, you are the wind beneath my (very clean) wings.

    • I wasn’t a recommender in that thread, but I like Calm.com. You can download the iPhone app (no Android yet. Boo!) or use it online.

      • This might sound a bit woo but I suggest listening to guided meditations or music with embedded binural beats from sites like BrainSync. The first time I did it, I expected nothing more than a little relaxation. It was suggested to me by a hypnotherapist. It was incredibly powerful. It is near-hallucinogenic for me at times. After twenty min, I really do feel like I just had a perfect night’s sleep. It’s sort of like cheating; it really does plunge me into a much deeper trance state than I have ever reached meditating alone. My mind just clears out and I have occasionally experienced what I can only describe as “visions,” (ugh, sorry) about writing projects.

        As I wrote on the JFA-gone-awry thread, I do this terrible thing of finding incredibly effective tools like this that work for me, then forgetting to use them… for years. Starting today, I am going back to meditating with binural beats.

        • I’m a big user of binaural beat programs. I started with the Monroe Institute programs when I had surgery years ago. Check out the Brain Wave app.

          • Binural sounds are a paradigm-shifting container for a deep dive into visioning.

  13. Speaking of JFA. WTF happened in the last post. I tried to read it and was talk of her flouncing. Why? Where? Oh. The. Humanity 😉

    • The mods may not want the drama imported to this nice clean thread, but if you have a throwaway email addy you can post, I’ll send you a summary.

        • Here’s the summary:

          Jacy very unduly laid into JFA, and the usual blowhards joined in.

          Why do you always pretend to be so in the know Worrisome Pelts; and have your nose stuck in everything? Don’t you have anything else to do?

          Also, this place censors comments now.

          All respect lost for Jacy. I reckon she’s a Julia in disguise.

          • Why is this the first time you’ve commented? How odd.

            Also, unduly laying into JFA = taking issue with JFA unduly laying into JP.

            Get back to work, they’re watching you, for God’s sake. Or should I restore all the comments I trashed for you at your request?

          • Dickweasels, I understand that JFA is under a lot of stress and I thought it would be better to take this off the blog to avoid causing her any additional upset.

            Since you are obviously aching to know what I said, here is my incredibly boring summary of what happened:

            JFA’s boss spoke to her about using her phone too much at work. She posted about it and asked the catladies for advice. Some of the responses, one from JP in particular, were not what she had in mind, so she lashed out at him. Jacy turned up and suggested we all go back to discussing JA. JFA found this insulting because other people talk about personal issues on RBD. She flounced. A few minutes later, mysterious new posters popped up insulting Jacy, JP and the catladies. Jacy believes these may have been JFA. After Jacy asked the commenters if she should delete the original JFA comments where JFA may have given away too much personal information, JFA’s friend Sheila (Anna Pelt) turned up to say that JFA would appreciate it if the whole thing was nuked. And here we are.

          • I also got an email from JFA asking me to please delete the comments. She had also taken offence to my admonishment that she shouldn’t ask for advice from relative strangers on the Internet about a major career crisis, and then lash out at someone who provides their own perspectives based on his own experiences. Those, apparently, were the most insulting, degrading words ever directed her way and she “flounced,” except she actually did not. I was also accused of running a “gulag.”

            All righty then.

          • I take back my advice, I hope your boss drop kicks your ignorant cunty ass out the door because you’re begging for it.

          • Right? I mean, Greg, the unpaid bills that must be piling up around you 😉

            Kidding – obviously – love you Pelts (and Mama J) ((and JFA, for that matter, though we often disagree)) – as we say here in the south, Y’all don’t let the turkeys get you down.

          • I think she got the “gulag” thing from my comment.. I was making a funny about no more slackin’ at the gulag (meaning work, not here). She was a bit overwrought though with recent stresses.

            (http://rebloggingdonk.com/2014/07/13/donks-took-time-out-of-not-writing-her-book-to-get-exposure-for-photographers-in-the-new-york-times-and-subsequently-brag-about-it/#comment-609306)

            She just needs a nice break, a box of Franzia, maybe whilst listening to some nice Enya, and she’ll snap out of it.

            We all lose our dang minds sometimes 😀

          • @Jacy- Interesting. As a catlady pointed out yesterday, JFA would have been the first one to crucify Donkey for asking to have something taken down.

            JFA, I know you’re here somewhere, perhaps hiding behind some Dickweasels. It probably feels like everyone is against you and things are a little bit out of control. To quote my high school econ teacher, “Nobody spends as much time thinking about you as you do.” Things are no worse than they have ever been. Your work problem is easily fixed, if you want to fix it. The catladies are a forgiving bunch. Once you’ve done what you need to to repair your personal situation, flounce your fabulous ass right back on in here and things will be normal-ish.

          • Nobody lashed at you, you know? Just like the batshit man who goes on a killer spree because someone cut in line at the supermarket, you completely overreacted and insulted pretty much everyone in the process.

            BTW, stop reading this thread. People went/are going to Vegas, and the envy might kill you.

        • Curiosity kills a cat lady! Ironically, I was actually focused on running desk errands during the debacle. Now I’m all confused by the deleted comments. peachykeeny708 AT yahoo . com Please and thank you and namaste!

        • See my response to Dickweasles (such an appropriate name for him/her!) above. So much for sparing her any further embarrassment.

          • I’m not JFA, but this thread once again demonstrates that half the people here are truly awful. I stopped commenting here ages ago precisely because of that.

            And why does Worrisome Pelts think she runs this site? Fucking shut up, would ya? You never stop talking. And I laugh everytime you pretend to have insidery information about the NYC media scene, when you live in the middle of nowhere.

            Just like big time editor Jacy. She lives in the middle of nowhere. She probaby edits a supermarket circular.

            Give me JFA over this bunch of tone-deaf morons anyday. She didn’t do anything wrong, she got upset over people insinuating she was going to be fired.

          • Please try to be less obvious. This is such JA behavior. Are you truly taking pages from that lunatic’s playbook now? Get offline and save your career, would you?

          • Do I have an RBD nemesis?! OMG! I’m so excited! Should I have t-shirts printed for the two of us (“<–I'm with anyone but this asshole")? Does this mean I need a lair of some kind? Or do you? This is the best day ever! I'm totes going to go bore the fuck out of the internet by asking for advice about it!

          • This sounds exactly like JFA to me. Here’s the deal: your boss is rightfully worried about you spending too much time on the phone and the internets and gives you a warning. So what do you need to do? Get off the phone and internets when at work and do your job. That’s it. End of story. You really had to crowdsource this concern when the answer is so common sense?

            As for Jacy, she gets props for patience. She also has a great job and lives in a major metropolitan area, which I believe you know.

          • I think the thing that grates is that we know a lot of her secrets about various past relationships and other really personal shit. We have kept her confidences and even run off more than one commenter here in part to pacify JFA, who has had her fair share of issues with many commenters. We also deleted all those identifying comments she made the other day at her request, comments that could have wrecked her career if anyone at her workplace knew this is where she spends a lot of her time. So the trolling and the name-calling is really tiresome to me, and also disappointing. If we wanted to play dirty, we could, but we don’t and we won’t, and so we wish she’d show us the same respect.

            Thanks for the kind words.

          • Another first-time commenter! Funnily enough we have been overrun with them for the past 24 hours.

          • Team WP forever.
            Jacy I think she’s more than hinted at her personal issues here for a long time .I’m sure you know all the grisly details. Her bad relationships and crazy dating behavior, and moaning about being single etc. I can’t help but feel she’s used to the special snowflake treatment she’s demanding like a spoiled bitch.

            Seriously, JFA, you are your Julia and I’m not putting up with you because this site isnt called Reblogging JFA and you shitting all over the people who have been incredibly supportive of you over so many years now its probably a good time to disengage from this community for real.

    • Was it really about not liking someone’s career advice that she didn’t like? There has to be more to it.

      • I imagine that is a question for the ages. There must be more to it, but we’re not responsible for it.

        • ’tis a shame. I think most of us would shrug off her occasional overreactions to things. A few months back I suggested a recent college grad asking for advice should look into Income Based Repayment (IBR or PAYE) or PSLF programs for federal student loans and also generally consider living beneath her means. JFA went off on me for seeming to downplay student loans. It’s not like I talked shit on someone’s single-paned north-facing windows! That said, JFA, figure out the work thing and come back soon. Meanwhile, I’ll light some candles on my birthday chicken leftovers and keep vigil for you.

          • LOL at “it’s not like I talked shit on someone’s single-paned north-facing windows!”

          • AFF, you a great example of being able to laugh at yourself for becoming fixated on something of minimal importance (we’ve all done it from time to time). I hope JFA is able to learn how to do this on the internet and life in general.
            As Dolly Parton once said, “Smile! It improves your face value.”

          • Wait… I thought that was about caulk and not just north-facing windows?

        • Must be. I can’t image losing your shit over advice. You take it or leave it. Anyway, keep up the good work Jacy. Sometimes people need to be called out on their b.s. I particularly didn’t like that comment about the girl from Korea. Immigrating to a new country where you don’t speakz is teh language is freaking tough;). My parents did it to the US and now I’m doing it.

        • Must be. I can’t image losing your shit over advice. You take it or leave it. Anyway, keep up the good work Jacy. Sometimes people need to be called out on their b.s. I particularly didn’t like that comment about the girl from Korea. Immigrating to a new country where you don’t speakz is teh language is freaking tough;). My parents did it to the US and now I am doing as well.

        • She railed into me calling all sorts of crappy names for the grad school comment under her cunty ignorant comment about the korean girl she’s jealous of.

          I saved up all my JFA annoyances over the years and let her have it because I’m DONE with everything revolving around her stupid haircut.

          • I felt really bad for commenting on her nutty rage post about some poor Korean student (not even in grad school!) 15 years her junior for most of the weekend, since I never comment on anything, and this wasn’t even her post which bugged me the most. But I now retract my private regret.

            Paid.

          • I just saw that conversation and I have to say I’m shocked. I’ve been in this country for nearly six years now. I understand everything that goes on around me, can watch movies and read magazines and books, eavesdrop on buses and sit in on lectures. I can watch the news and read it online. But if you just heard me speak and weren’t a second language learner or teacher yourself, you’d have no idea. Asian langauges are not Spanish or Italian or French. You have to completely restructure the way you think, even, to speak them, and vice versa Asian language speakers in English. On top of that, there are huge differences in the social nature of a lot of the languages.

            I taught English to foreign students in the US for years and, let me tell you, those students worked ten times as hard to complete the same assignments and keep up with the reading and lectures as native speakers did. Honestly, unless you’ve ever done it yourself, you can basically just shut your mouth.

            I really hate to think that when I speak in my second language anyone is judging me the way JFA did the Korean student. In fact, it’s that exact fear that has had me avoiding opportunities to practice and get better and which have kept my speaking skills at such a low level compared to my writing, reading and listening.

            I hope JFA is okay and I’m sincerely sorry for the hard time she’s going through, but that whole conversation was bullshit.

        • Jacy I love you! And JP I love you too!
          I love JFA too, but I think she’s a bit crazy. I missed all the drama yesterday – lucky me – and can’t be bothered to catch up on it, but I’m sure (or I hope) that JFA will be back after a few months. Good luck to you, JFA, with your work and love life travails, and if you’re reading, know that we’re all rooting for you! At least I am.

      • She was told she was going to be fired (something along the lines of “Can’t you see the writing on the wall?”).

        It wasn’t really advice on how to deal with the situation that set her off.

        • From one guy who’s a bit jaded about his professional career at the moment, though. One person. Who is usually hilariously cynical and dark.

          • But a guy who also almost immediately said…but you should probably listen to someone else. There was nothing mean or angry about JP’s original comment! I’m a longtime lurker and maybe I’m still out of joint about JFA’s remarks about the Korean film student but you’ve have been warned by work so step away from the computer! She was back on immediately after flouncing yesterday to throw shade and insult new baby news and people’s books. It’s pathological. She needs the Leann Rhimes Tweehab

          • But he was right! Attorneys are typically terrible managers and usually don’t say anything to errant employees until they are at the furious/disgusted boiling point.

          • JP’s comment seemed mild and supportive to me. And in the widely-understood context of his recent professional life, it seemed a bit wise and funny. And not a big deal at all. Ok, I am done “Reblogging JFA.”

        • Being told to do your job and stop fucking around is basically “give me a reason not to fire you”.

        • That’s pretty standard advice for this situation, though – I didn’t read JP’s comment as “You’re DEFINITELY getting fired”, but more as a heads up to consider updating her resume in case this was the beginning of creating a paper trail in order to justify a decision that has already been made. Certainly no one here knows her workplace better than she does, and I hope she’s right and ends up just fine on the other side of these bumps in the road. But I thought JP’s comment was a totally reasonable angle on the situation.

      • Yeah, prettymuch just this. I’m probably not the only one who has noticed her posts kind of unraveling recently. I just hope she gets some help, because you can tell this isn’t really a cell phone at work or unsolicited advice issue from waaaaay over here.

      • I don’t mind her or really much of anybody on here. We’ve been on the same side of a couple of issues and on different sides of a couple of issues, but she’s smart and seems to be definitely into what she knows. I do feel for her, because I think we have some similar problems with anxiety, and that is just tough to deal with. That’s not an indictment of anyone who does not have that particular road to walk, just a statement of fact. It makes you think and do and say things that make absolutely zero sense to anybody, including yourself.

        That being said, we’re all grown and we have to handle our own shit however we can.

      • Me, too. And I hope once everything’s back in order she’ll come back and talk some more smack with us. I dig her. She’s a little nuts.. but then, what w.. (sorry, caught myself.. heh) 😀

  14. Mind if I go wildly, full on crowdsourcing Mulia for a moment?
    I’m in a crunch to plan a weekend Vegas trip for myself, Mr. Roll, and my brother & sister in law.
    Somehow I’ve hit my expiration date and never been before, but it’s pretty spur of the moment, and there are so many options my head’s about to explode.

      • THAT does look fun – I’ve seen it on tv before, and I was thinking it was the sky jump Danksin mentioned (below). Now that I’ve finished wetting my pants after just watching a video of the skyjump I think I’m going to go for the indoor skydiving. I don’t want my expiration date to be my actual expiration date!

    • If you’ve never been before, and you’re going for a weekend, here you go– these are all within walking distance and are leisurely strolls, so you’ll only have to take a cab to the hotel and back to the airport.

      – Stay at The Mirage.
      – Friday night dinner at Gordon Ramsay Pub & Grill at Caesar’s.
      – After dinner, walk to the Bellagio and do a late night gambling run at Bellagio, Caesar’s, and The Mirage.
      – Saturday hangover coffee and shopping at the Wynn.
      – Saturday lunch at Lagasse’s Stadium, enjoy the sports bar.
      – Saturday dinner at Mon ami Gabi.
      – Saturday late night show of Zombie Burlesque at Planet Hollywood (or one of the Cirque shows if you absolutely have to, I think they’re appalling).
      – Sunday brunch at The Mirage.

      • Awesome. I feel like I could follow this almost exactly and be done. Mr. Roll would love the Zombie show, so if I can get these dates moved a little further out, hopefully we can do that one night and then Britney the next (Greg knows why I want to see that, I’ve literally never cared about her, but my middle school nostalgia’s kicking in, and suddenly I’m all “how could we miss THAT?”) Oh – but further question – why the Mirage? It’s on my short list, but only because I could name it off the top of my head without googling anything*

        *You see, I’ve learned from Jaba that “googling” is for “idiots who don’t have any fans” and just stopped doing it entirely**

        **having said that, I’d like to go outside, but I’m not sure if it’s going to rain. Could one of you be a dear and tell me what the weather’s going to be like this evening***?

        ***because I’m wearing pleather and feathers, and I’d prefer not to get them wet****

        ****ok, I’ll stop now. (Can you tell the adderall just kicked in?)

        • Skip Britney– maybe it’s gotten easier to get tickets recently but I remember the tickets being very very hard to come by earlier this year. It isn’t like you’re seeing Fat Elvis in concert in his prime. If you’re going to do two shows, make one Zombie Burlesque, and make the other Absinthe.

          So, why the Mirage– a bunch of reasons.

          It’s very centrally located. Within walking distance, even in the dead of summer when it’s 150 degrees outside, you have Caesar’s, Bellagio, the Flamingo, Bally’s, Paris, the Venetian, TI, and the Wynn. Between those hotels you’ll get your fill of casino resorts in a hurry.

          It is a very high quality hotel. The rooms are nice. The pools are nice. The atmosphere is very nice. The casino floor is very nice. The restaurants are all kept up very well. When you walk through the atrium in the Mirage you’ll feel like it’s a very nice place to stay.

          It isn’t a wallet breaker to stay there. It also isn’t like one of those dirt cheap places like Luxor or Excalibur that is just downright nasty. You can get a presidential suite at the Mirage, but the standard rooms are more than accommodating.

          It isn’t a generic hotel. A lot of the newer places– think Aria, Cosmo, even places like Monte Carlo and Venetian– are these generic resorts that offer no personality. When you’re in the Mirage you know that you’re in Las Vegas, without being in an over-the-top-themed place like Caesar’s or New York New York. It has that understated Las Vegas cool air about it, something I wish a lot of the other places on the Strip could pull off. (Mandalay is probably comparable, but is so fucking far to the south)

          The Mirage buffet.

          The layout of the hotel isn’t intentionally confusing like every other goddamn place on the Strip. Special props go out to the Venetian that actually goes out of its way to make it fucking impossible to actually exit out onto the Strip. You can get to the table games. You can get to the slots. You can get to the sports book. You can get to the restaurants. You won’t be wandering around aimlessly.

          In short– it’s a great hotel as an introduction to Las Vegas. It may not have the best restaurants, it may not have the best clubs, it may not have the best pool, but it is a pretty fantastic place.

    • My recs: cirque show, lunch at BurGR (Gordan Ramsey’s burger place which is amazing) and a helicopter ride down the strip – it’s only 15min long but IMO worth it.

    • Haven’t been back in ages but I keep hearing awesome things about Aria.
      Def. do a buffet run, vegas buffets are so fun.
      I’d do some shopping depending on where you’re coming in from, esp. luxury goods. Even if it isn’t splashy huge purchase it’s a nice unique souvenir.

      • Aria’s buffet makes you feel like you’re in some magical fairyland. It’s lovely. I hate buffets, because I have issues with my food touching/mixing types on one plate and I feel gross going back for seconds, so it’s not a ‘deal’ to me as it is for many others. It was a really nice, attractive dining experience, though.

        • Did you stay there? The rooms sound nice as well. Shit, now I want to go to Vegas and eat all the things.

          • I didn’t stay there, no. We stayed at some awesome dive right on the strip for $31 a night (Imperial Palace). I just know the Aria buffet came highly recommended and had bottomless mimosas for like $12.

      • Aria is shit and is basically un-walkable. The rooms are nice enough but seriously the rest of the place is incredibly generic. There’s this crap monorail that drops you off at the Bellagio but that’s it. The hotel is set so far back from the rest of the Strip that you almost need cab fare just to get across the street.

      • The rooms at the Aria are nice but the hotel itself sucks. I stayed there a few months ago and it was my least favorite hotel. I’m not a club person or a hooker so there were literally no bars to hang out at. PAID is right, if weren’t for the monorail you have no real way of getting anywhere. We spent the majority of our time eating/hanging out at other hotels. I’m from the east coast and had never been to In-N-Out burger and that was awesome. You can’t walk there so we took a cab there and back. I regret nothing.

        • I actually walked to the In N Out (I had never been there either) from The Cosmopolitan. One of the weirdest and most memorable experiences of my life. At one point, there was simply no more sidewalk. At another, I was forced to travel a skyway and walk through the lobbies of the venerable Excalibur, which smelled perplexingly of mildew and bad potpourri.

    • I’ve never commented here, but I feel compelled to give this one piece of advice.

      If you are in Vegas, and are in the mood for a facial, Four Seasons Spa, ask for Tara. I live in SF (have yet to see Ms. Allison but a girl can dream) and four times a year I make the trek to see Tara. Worth the turn around flight and all.

  15. I just got back from Vegas (ALA conference)! I loved the Bacchanal buffet at Caesar’s Palace. The food’s excellent, and it’s huge and splashy and everything you want in a Vegas buffet. You can pay $20 to skip the line, which we did. The Neon Museum/Graveyard is wonderful, and the SkyJump at the Stratosphere was a lot of fun. If you don’t wanna throw yourself off a building, just doing one of the Big Bus double decker tours at night is great.

    • I love the Neon graveyard idea – actually all of those sound like winners. Where did you stay? I have no clue what hotel to go with. I’d like to do some pool time, but, like, sophisticated pool time. It’s not like I’m 70 years old or anything, but I’m also not looking for spring break, if that makes sense.

      • The Palazzo! It was fantastic! We got a great Priceline Express deal. If you’re interested in doing Hotwire or Priceline, I can give you tips. You don’t have to bid. Will y’all have a car while you’re there?

        • The Palazzo has seven pools, and is the more sedate sister property of the Venetian. AWESOME bathrooms, Google those fuckers. I could have stayed all day in the damn bathroom!

          • Ha – I love a good bathroom. I didn’t even consider a car, actually. It’s such a quick trip I sort of assumed we’d just walk most of it/take cabs when we need to.

            As far as booking, Mr. Roll is a giant nerd when it comes to Priceline. Apparently he used it more than a DECADE ago for flights, felt like he was always on standby/getting bumped, and decided to hate the site/cite/sight from then on out. If the deal was good enough, I might be able to get him to reconsider, but I wouldn’t bet on it.

      • The Flamingo is pretty cheap and on the main part of the strip. Some of it is a bit cheesy (think pink fur extra blanket in your room) but I embrace the cheese (which is also why I love the Poconos lol)

        • That might be kind of awesome. Part of my indecision is that I don’t know whether to aim at super old school cheesy or shiny modern “this 5 minutes”y

          • Meaning the hotel or just in general what you plan to do? If it’s activities, you could always alternate since you’ll be there for more than a day – first day: experience the cheese, second: do something more “modern” (see a cirque show, seriously, it’s amazing – I saw the water one and was in awe) etc. I didn’t get to go to the neon graveyard, and that is on my list of things to do next time I’m in town. But since your stay is so short, you probably won’t be able to accomplish everything you want to do, so it may serve you well to be located on the main part of the strip and do those types of activities and the next time you go, do things that are a bit farther away. For example, I thought Fremont St would be a great place to go but bc it requires transportation/is a few miles away, we just didn’t have the time to go. Oh! We also went indoor go-cart racing. It wasn’t one of the “lame” or “mild” ones that are around where I live but very old school, smell-the-oil-from-the-engines kind of places.

    • You were at ALA? So was I, working my patootey off running my company’s booth!

      Except I hated Vegas. Just not my scene, I guess. Or I was working way too hard (more likely) and too tired from all the desk errands to have fun.

      • I missed Pink Palatian?? Nooooo!!! Vegas is so much fun, but it was fucking HOT, and it’s not a good combo with work. Go back when it’s cooler, and when you can just fart around.

        • We probably saw each other and didn’t even know it… are you a librarian or in the publishing business? I’m sure our paths will cross again! I’ll be at mid-winter ALA and BEA and ALA, and rinse and repeat… assuming I survive… 😉

  16. OT: Was LMRO this morning over the new Weird Al video called Word Crimes. I would link it here but I am on mobile. I thought you literary catlady types would get a kick out of it. It’s a parody on Blurred Lines, only about grammar, spelling and punctuation. Google it, it’s fun.

      • That one was fun, too. He’s releasing a new one every day this week. The Word Crimes one is really clever, check it out.

  17. Jelly, I wouldn’t use Priceline or Hotwire for flights, but they can give you some *great* Vegas hotel deals. What dates are you looking at? I’m a reference librarian who’s bored at her desk, and doing travel research for you would count as reference!

    The indoor skydiving looks like so much fun – I’ve skydived and ziplined, but have never done the indoor skydiving with the wind tunnel. I’m also really fond of the roller coaster on top of the NY, NY, but it’s a bumpy motherfucker if you sit at the back.

    • You’re such a doll! With these brothers, I have to assume roller coastering will be done. I’m thinking I’ll just drink heavily beforehand and sit in the front. ATM the dates are the 26th – 28th (hence the last minute panic), but in just the last 15 min we found out we might be able to push it to 8/23-25 – way better imho, so I’m hoping for that.

    • Indoor skydiving is very fun and not scary at all. But I would make sure you are 100% not hungover or you could get sick- lots of spinning etc. I went about 15 years ago (I was but a wee lass) to the Vegas location. I think it was a pretty short cab ride.

  18. Are you and Mr. Jelly sharing a room with anyone else? Using Hotwire and Priceline, the standard is a king bed.

  19. OK! Let’s start with your first set of travel dates.

    Now, the cheapest option for these sites is usually bidding on Priceline, but sounds like your dude would not like that idea at all. So let’s skip the more complicated “name your own price” option for now.

    Let’s start with Priceline Express deals, checking in on Sat. July 26, and checking out on Mon. the 28. Limiting my search to just 5-star hotels, I see the Trump for $135 a night, and the Palazzo/Venetian for $167 a night. (Always remember, whatever hotel you stay at in Vegas will tack “resort fees” onto your base price. At the Palazzo/Venetian, it’s $28 a night. So that $167 a night is really $195 a night.)

    Now, you’ll notice that Priceline Express deals don’t list the names of the hotels, so how the hell do I know what hotels I’m looking at? By the amenities. The only 5-star hotels on the North end of the Strip are the Trump, Palazzo/Venetian, and the Wynn. If the hotel isn’t a casino hotel and is pet-friendly, it’s the Trump. If it says casino hotel on the North end of the Strip, it’ll be one of the other three. But Palazzo pops up way more than Venetian, and Wynn almost never pops up.

    I’m just focusing on the North end of the Strip as an example. I’d recommend North or Center Strip, as opposed to South Strip – the first time I stayed in Vegas I was south Strip at the Luxor, and it was August, and I was too broke for cabs, and the walking in the heat like to killed me! Everything in Vegas looks very close together. IT IS NOT. Also, you can’t walk in straight lines on the sidewalks – you’re always climbing stairs to overhead walkways, and being routed through shopping malls. I live in NYC and walk at least five miles a day, and the Vegas heat and asphalt had me taking cabs everywhere. It defeated my sad fat ass. There’s a city bus, but it’s slow as molasses, and the monorail is not terribly convenient, imho.

    OK, so let’s look at Hotwire for the same dates. Hotwire is like Priceline in that you can’t see the names of the hotels, but you can usually guess. I’m seeing what is probably Palazzo for $179 and Trump for $134. I would avoid the Trump because it’s set a little further back from the Strip. But it is a non-smoking hotel, so it’s good if that’s a concern.

    So, this is just the beginning. Play around with these websites a bit and figure out what area y’all wanna stay in! The pools at the Palazzo were great, and it’s attached to the Venetian with a big-ass shopping mall they’ve made to look like Venice. They even have real birds flying around the fake St. Mark’s Square. I loved it.

    • You are a Greg send – no doubt. I’m bookmarking this immediately for future travel, as well.
      Couple questions:
      1. I’m waiting to know for sure, but it’s looking like we are going to get to move the dates further out (yay! panic subsiding…) so it’ll August 23 -25th. Are these sites better for last minute booking? Or, like airlines, is it best to check on Tuesday afternoon – Wednesday mornings and just book as far in advance as possible?
      2. The tip about Center/North vs. South is REALLY helpful. I’d never have known that. Just looking at a map it seems like Center is probably Planet Hollywood up to Caesar’s and then North is maybe from the Mirage to the Wynn. Does that seem right? Would it be smart to plan all of our activities in one “pod” or the other if we’re going to stick with walking?

      ps. to ALL the catladies, thanks for letting me clog up the post with this this afternoon – it is helping TREMENDOUSLY. Franzia and Cheetos for all!

  20. What’s looking like the Bellagio is popping up on Hotwire for $154 a night, for your first set of dates. That hotel is lovely.

    • Also unsurprisingly, that ‘article’ is rife with errors. Katherine Rautenberg – learn to research.

    • “Everyday for a month”

      This was either copy pasta’d from her email or a bot wrote this.

      I don’t think she doea anything everyday besidea stalk her next target and take selfies.

          • She’s probably telling them she’s suuuuper busy emailing individual contacts to get these published. I imagine conversations at the Baugher dinner table goes something like this…

            1st Bob: What you do at Initech is you take the specifications from the customer and bring them down to the software engineers?
            Tom: Yes, yes that’s right.
            2nd Bob: Well then I just have to ask why can’t the customers take them directly to the software people?
            Tom: Well, I’ll tell you why… because… engineers are not good at dealing with customers…
            1st Bob: So you physically take the specs from the customer?
            Tom: Well… No. My secretary does that… or they’re faxed.
            2nd Bob: So then you must physically bring them to the software people?
            Tom: Well… No. ah sometimes.
            1st Bob: What would you say you do here?
            Tom: Look I already told you, I deal with the @#$% customers so the engineers don’t have to. I have people skills! I am good at dealing with people, can’t you understand that? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!

    • Julia Allison absolutely emails her own press releases all day, every day, to numerous publications, & you can bet your sweet ass that she also has a Google Alerts set for the words: “submit photo”.

    • “Signed on as A spokesperson” “As a brand ambassador, she will . . . ”

      Also how are they printing that she will post about the brand every day for a month when one trip to her fb shows you she failed at that on like day 3.

      • Because these are basically spam sites. Why scrape content when a Donkey will send it to you pre-packaged?

        • The amount of energy she is pouring into getting the word out that she is an occasional spokesperson and brand ambassador (of which there are many) for some bras is unreal. I still believe she is unpaid. I can’t imagine they bothered to draft an employment contract for a rando in California to stage her own photoshoot and post a handful of fb posts.

    • And the “article” says she hosted Miss Advised? How do you host a documentary series?

      • It also makes it sound like she owns a yoga studio.

        Writing, it is hard for those who have hooves.

        • Also makes it seem like she completely a Facebook challenge she created. Also makes it seem like she wrote about “society,” for Elle.

  21. Hey, Donkey escaped the Lakeside Retirement Facility!

    Julia Allison
    47 minutes ago near San Francisco, CA · Edited
    This is a really random question but – does anyone have – or know of – a bare white wall that I could use to paint on for a photoshoot for my book?

    And she’s still not writing her book.

    • The amount of “how fuck” in her query is mind blasting. Dude, you are posting rhetorical questions on your facespace because you are bored and want attention. At least twitter blast that shit like you are a big deal again. Then it’s at least funny and not kind of sad.

      Also, generally, domiciles contain at least 4 so called “walls” which can be covered in a substance known as “paint” which can change the amount of light that is absorbed or reflected by said surface. Now, I’m no scientist, and that’s all pure speculation, but I think it might be worth a shot. Blaze a trail, friend!

      • All I read was “Can I come over and spray paint from my anus onto your wall? You know? For me?”

    • 1) She’s just shamblebragging.

      2) She will not restore the wall when she’s done.

      3) She will tell the wall owner that they should be grateful she didn’t restore their wall, as it will obviously be a place of pilgrimage for her proselytizers once the Do Nothing Bible is released.

      • Honestly, I was just going to post this. You may be kidding- but I think she is going to do exactly this. It’s just going to be all photos of “Happiness.” Maybe with some random quotes thrown in. Mark my words. I would not put it past her for one second.

    • This here’s a story about Davy ‘Cado and Julia Tutu
      Two young lovers with nothin’ better to do
      Than sit around the Lakeside Assisted Living Facility, get high, and Fecebook the woos
      And here is what happened when they decided to cut loose

      They headed down to, ooh, the old Downtown Condo
      That’s where they ran into a great big hassle
      Davy ‘Cado surprised Dad$er while he was rubbing Raul
      Julia Tutu took Dad$er’s wallet and run

      Go on take Dad$er’s wallet and run
      Go on take Dad$er’s wallet and run
      Go on take Dad$er’s wallet and run
      Go on take Dad$er’s wallet and run

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-WCFUGCOLLU

      • For some reason, I can picture this whole sequence of events and all characters so clearly (though only Raul’s dorsal view) and am dying laughing.

    • I’m assuming she’s back to do the great love debate thing. And this is the most asinine query I’ve ever read. She edited the post to remove that it is for her “book cover.” lol. Julia the artist is going to paint something on a white wall for a picture for the cover of her book on happiness experiments.

      • Her whole life is an art project. Her mom told her so. Well, that was years ago, but still.

  22. So our super special snowflake is complaining about not getting paid for something she did. She LITERALLY CRIED about it today, people!

    Julia Allison
    14 mins · San Francisco, CA ·
    So – I have a speaking engagement producer who has REPEATEDLY given me the runaround about paying me – I cannot even name the number of excuses, it’s mind-boggling. His Paypal doesn’t work, his bank won’t send a wire, this and that and the other thing. It’s UNREAL. He keeps offering to give me his American Express number but I don’t even know what I would do with that. Not to sound uneducated, but … I don’t have a merchant account, so I mean, ??? Does anyone have any suggestions? I’m at my wit’s end. I literally cried about it today.
    LikeLike · · Share
    3 people like this.

    Celeste Wilson I am loving Venmo for an alternative to PayPal …. Sign up online or get the app
    12 mins · Like

    Julia Allison Is there a way I can charge his credit card easily? ARGUGHHGHG!

    • I thought her newly enlightened circle of woo accepted payment in hugs and good vibes and watermelon-flavored blow-pops and shit.

    • Now THIS is DELICIOUS. Julie fucking Albertson, who has screwed over more people for money and shit, is complaining someone stiffed here? This is rich.

    • THIS IS FOR DAD$ER’$ BENEFIT!! & I’m gonna say I called it RIGHT HERE: ‘… just convinces me further that D0nk travels on Sugar Daddy air miles if / when she pulls this shindig off whilst in the midst of having her allowance from Dad$er w/held during house arrest.’

      • Yes, and also this speaking engagement producer probably doesn’t exist and if even if he does what she is describing did not happen and no, he did not offer her his Amex and yes, Donkey would know very well what to do with the items in one’s wallet.

  23. So full of shit. First its “my book cover” then nope, just “my book”.

    Julia Allison
    2 hours ago
    This is a really random question but – does anyone have – or know of – a bare white wall that I could use to paint on for a photoshoot for my book cover?

    Julia Allison
    2 hours ago
    This is a really random question but – does anyone have – or know of – a bare white wall that I could use to paint on for a photoshoot for my book?

    • There is a large blue wall I have seen from time to time but you may have to violently shove Jessica Quirk out from in front of it.

      A wall, folks.

      She is crowd-sourcing a white wall.

      Not a set of white-wall tires because she’s going to cruise the Miracle Mile.

      A white wall.

      No, not the whiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiite whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaale, a white wall.

      One of those things that doesn’t even involving north-facing caulk. You know, you go into any room on the planet and there are usually four of them holding up some kind of ceiling. Which is also usually white. You know. For contrast.

      • I’m sorry folks, does anyone have a floor I can fucking pass out on out of sheer embarrassment on her behalf? One of those flat things?

      • The other thing is, she doesn’t seem to care where this white whale even is. I have a white wall. It is in my semi-finished basement. Does that count? wtf

      • “ha ha ha ha oh my sides”

        I live alone and rarely laugh out loud, but something about this really tickled me. Then my dog came running over, all concerned.

      • Exactly. There is no way in hell that she has any say, control, or input whatsoever in what her book cover looks like.

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