Why? Is This Even In Her Book Proposal?

5MBoIT7

GET A THERAPIST, NERD! Like, what is this? Is she applying to college, or is this part of her book? Why do I picture her inconsolably wailing while she typed this? Why is she doing this to us? What? Is wrong with her?

In Which I Regale You with a Laundry List of My Failures so You Feel Better About Your Life

“My entire life has been one ridiculous mistake after another.” – GIRLS

“Ditto.” – Julia Allison

I spent most of my childhood in suburban Chicago sitting in the corner at recess reading. In sixth grade, in order to avoid that awkward moment in which, holding my plastic lunch tray, I couldn’t find anyone to sit with in the lunch room, I would go hide in the library. But library passes were only given out once a week per student, so I came up with my first “life hack” experiment. I figured out that if a student were to walk, chin up, eyes ahead, purposefully striding into the library,the teachers rarely – if ever – questioned her. Thus, my career in pushing boundaries30 began.

30  Pushing boundaries = aka skirting the rules, aka bullshitting, aka “problems with authority.” Sigh.

Asthmatic and an academic geek, my 7th grade report card reads all A’s (a feat I wish I had continued – but didn’t – in college), and one B – in “kinetic wellness” (aka gym). Below it is typed the following line: “needs to develop self-confidence.” Zing!

It stands to reason that I naturally gravitated toward extracurricular activities  which A) did not require any sort of sweating and/or athletic prowess and B) did not involve “cuts” of any sort. Thus, I joined the Latin team and the Debate team, where I lost nearly every debate, including one rather infamous round in which I was getting trounced so badly, I decided to read an excruciatingly awkward poem I had written, instead of making a closing argument. If I couldn’t win, I figured, why not entertain the judges a bit? My debate partner refused to speak to me for weeks.

Debate was followed by the synchronized swim team, which wasn’t so much of a team as a group of girls attempting not to drown simultaneously. Even my parents chortle derisively when I recall our shows nostalgically. They were – how shall I put it? – reminiscent of an SNL skit, if SNL characters had access to a questionably clean aquatic environment.

Obviously, being a loser, there was no starring in the school plays for me. Instead I joined stage crew, given the critical job of painting sets and later – when I really came into my power – as “the props mistress.” Nary a prop went astray with me in charge!

I also managed to participate – for several years – in AV club. “Participating” entailed me operating the video equipment for the band at band performances. If you have ever wondered whether any activity could, in fact, be dorkier than high school band (shout out to my band geeks!), I’m pretty sure being in charge of VIDEOING high school band ranks below it on the Mortify Scale.

The final nail in my high school lack of coolness coffin was an embarrassing propensity toward getting kicked out/off/around. I was kicked off the high school radio for the one-two punch of papering the building with unauthorized flyers for my feminist, only-songs-by-women radio show31

31 “The She Thing Show” – and yes, I came up with the name myself and no, I’m not making this up. I read Betty Friedan at age 13 and was an active and outspoken teen feminist, something that did nothing for my popularity with 14-year-old boys in mid-90s suburban Chicago, as you might imagine.

and actually playing a song that involved “inappropriate expletives.”32

32  Damn you, Salt n Pepa!

Later I was unceremoniously relieved of my duties in the Global Exchange Club, after planning a successful school dance called “An Evening in Paris” which involved an actual red carpet and corny keychains involving the Eiffel tower, which are now populating landfills throughout the midwest. And although I managed to become President of the Animal Protection Club, no one – people or animals – backed me for future terms.

Of course, high school wasn’t my only place to fail. I was kicked off of my college paper for threatening to have my dog pee on the editor’s pages (an empty threat as my dog was not yet potty trained, and wouldn’t pee anywhere I instructed). I actually thought that was a pretty good reason to get fired, quite possibly my favorite, almost fun, in a “terrible at the time, but entertaining to retell” sort of way.

As a senior in college, I applied to Teach for America – you know, the non-profit that sends qualified university graduates to exceptionally impoverished schools across the country for two years, a sort of homeland Peace Corps. My unbearably incompetent attempt at teaching math during the interview ended with me cracking a bad joke about long division being outdated anyway, due to the cutting edge advance of … calculators. I was, as you might imagine, not hired.

I moved to Manhattan, like so many do, just out of school and incredibly naive, with no money, no friends and no career – just the highly original idea of “becoming a writer.” I was promptly rejected from a job as cashier at Bath & Body Works. Then I was fired as a receptionist at Fortress Investment Bank (for not “taking ownership of the position”). Shortly thereafter, I convinced an editor33

33  I literally – LITERALLY – sent him 14 emails over the course of 6 months until he finally gave me me a column out of sheer exhaustion from deleting them.

at the Manhattan newspaper AM New York to begin running my weekly dating columns, for which I was paid the sum of … $50.

But it was a start, and that’s all I needed. One of my critics once wrote, “Cockroaches can learn a thing from Julia Allison.” [EDITORS NOTE: I believe that was me, the devastatingly handsome Julia’s Publicist. If that’s the case: CEASE AND DESIST, DONKEY!] And I will treasure that comment until the day I die. I just don’t accept defeat, even if it takes years, and trust me, it usually does.

So I’ve learned to treasure my mistakes as the stories that are (usually) the most fun to tell. I’m proud to say that I’m the only person I know of to have been banned from Northwestern Debate Camp, the Time 100 Most Influential People Dinner, and FOX News34 (which I actually consider to be a badge of honor).

34  I wrote a blog post about a certain self-tanner loving anchor throwing up in front of me between takes, which I assume didn’t go over well with the execs. Sadly, that was years ago, so I think I’ve been un-banned since. But it’s a lot more fun to pretend I’m on their Official FoxNews Enemy List.

I kinda wish I had been banned from a state (I’m thinking South Dakota), but I’m pretty sure you have to do something involving prison, which I’m not entirely interested in adding to my resume. [EDITORS NOTE: Why? Everything else seemed fair game. Jesus Christ!]

I could go on for several more pages about my failures, firings, and fuck-ups (which have continued to the present day), but then this book would have to be retitled “I Give Up, God,” or maybe just “Don’t Occasionally Just Stop Believing.”

And frankly, that’s not really the message I want to give you.

Let’s just put it this way: if “the spiritual journey is continually falling on one’s face,” as Buddist monk Ram Dass says, then I have a headstart. In fact, I believe that every experience, relationship and obstacle comes into our lives to teach us lessons we need to grow into the people we’re meant to become. Even if those experiences are really, really unpleasant at the time.

The physicist Niels Bohr once defined an expert as “a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field.”

I consider myself an expert in many fields. Right. So what does my past35 have to do with you – and with happiness?

35 I mean, really, who gets rejected TWICE from the Georgetown tour guides?!! Or maybe the better question is: why does anyone want to be a tour guide badly enough to apply after being rejected? These are some of life’s great mysteries.

Donkey, I mean this sincerely. You and your tranny elbows need help. A cursory glance shows that she spelled “Buddhist” incorrectly and she wrote “me” twice in a row. But the latter was most likely intentional.

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104 Responses to Why? Is This Even In Her Book Proposal?

  1. A colossus of scheme juices and failure says:

    Please, stop repeating that BS Niels Bohr quote about the expert!

    You’ve beaten it to death years ago, and now it’s just an stinking decomposing corpse and you are still beating it.

    Please stop. Really, Donks. Just stop.

    • Sacred Scrapbooks of Bleeker Street says:

      She could at least move on to the Feynman quote “Science is the belief in the ignorance of experts.” 😉

    • JFA says:

      Honestly this shitshow of a book proposal is just a regurgitation of the bullshit she’s been saying/writing about for the past 4 years. Every single cliche is in there. Every one.

  2. Tribune Slingbacks says:

    Buddist = Church of Budd?

  3. countmeindaisy says:

    GAH IT’S KRYPTONITE FOR MY BRAIN. Must…stop…reading…IQ dropping…someone, anyone…pass the big book of William Shakespeare…

  4. Blowjobs by Bravo says:

    It’s like she od’on adderall and thought that since she pounded this all out in a day everyone would be so impressed. They are the ramblings of a person with tertiary syphilis.

  5. How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

    I just don’t accept defeat, even if it takes years, and trust me, it usually does.

    Confirmed by 10/10 ex BF’s

    Hoofnote #38: TRO’s that feature meMeME!!!!!!

    • princesstutu says:

      Can someone please translate that sentence into meaningful English? I don’t know why this particular example bugs me so much, given all the violence she visited on syntax and grammar in that 81 page manic episode, but it really is irritating. ‘I just don’t accept defeat, even if it takes years’? What takes years? Defeat? But she doesn’t accept it! I’m befuddled as to what she’s even trying to say there.

  6. How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

    Can KS please bring back the NT annual fauxtos now?

    • juliaspublicist says:

      You’ve seen them all. All the ones of her anyway.

      • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

        Oh. For some reason I thought there were more, & that he’d just backed off cuz people were getting all righteous & shit. I was wondering what her Props Mistress costume consisted of …

  7. BunnyBingo says:

    Brain hurts trying to interpret this. Was Julia a super nerd or a rebel or a sassy lil thing? And 10K is not “no money” dear.

  8. frequent liar miles says:

    She looks so cute and normal and hopeful in that picture. Is it possible that in removing the nose bump her soul was accidentally excised as well?

  9. These Hooves Were Made for Walking says:

    Even my parents chortle derisively when I recall our shows nostalgically.

    I can’t even with the writing.

    • juliaspublicist cried his rhinestone off juliaspublicist says:

      It gives me the chortles.

    • JFA says:

      It’s just so bad. Wordy, verbose, no need to add the big words every five seconds. She literally has no idea the mark of a good writer is usually pith. Unless you are fucking Proust which, you ain’t. She really thinks she is smart. It’s amazing because her writing has always been nails on the chalkboard fucking annoying. She’s tone deaf, not cute, not funny, uses words incorrectly constantly…yet you can tell she really fancies herself the complete opposite. Didn’t we all learn using big words all the time did not make oneself seem smarter, like in college? Shit I learned that in high school. My high school writing was better than this. Granted I’m a good writer but, this is just sad. She calls herself a writer and she absolutely sucks at it. There is no way she is even capable of turning this into a book. Because she can’t write. She should employ a ghost writer or a co-writer and an editor and be done with it.

      • SURROUNDED BY BOOKS BECAUSE I AM AN AUTHOR WITH BOOKS says:

        She should have Dadsers hire a ghost writer or a co-writer and an editor and be done with it.

        Fixed that for you.

  10. Donkton Blabby says:

    Not that I expect Donk to get this right considering her track record, but Ram Dass is NOT a “Buddhist monk.” He’s a spiritual teacher and scholar and his guru is HINDI (Neem Karoli Baba.)

    If you’re going to pretend to be spiritual, at least get your gurus right Donks. Namabray!

    • Albie Quirky says:

      Be here? NO!

      • Lily's 3rd Eye says:

        But you guyyyys!!! She took ayuahuscaaaaaa! With a Shamaaaaaaaan! In Peruuuuuuuu! Once! That means she is enliiiiiiiiiiiiiiightened! OMGGGGGGG!

        Really? I cannot. After years of the JA show and reading that ‘book proposal’, I have some sympathy for how fucked up JA is. My waxing and waning ire towards her has been a good teacher to me about what I need to do about the Julia in my life and my own frustrations. I even have some sympathy for JA’s sad identity shopping as a shamanhipster, but I say just cause you took that beverage don’t mean a thing if you don’t change your ways. I’ve been in ayuahusca ceremonies where nosejobbed narcissistic people talk annoyingly all the way through, then puke draaaaaaaaamatically then blah blah blah talk about themselves and their tripped out realizations for hours/ days / years afterwards. Meh. You can blow your doors open with that stuff and the huge serotonin rush it brings can be great for beating depression but real change is about daily practice, compassion, being of service and mindfulness. Otherwise its just another high. Mind expansion ur doin it wrong.

  11. For Whom the Donkey Tolls (Jack, A Lover of Books & Hemmingway!) says:

    I gave up about halfway through the Russian novel as book proposal so missed this bizarre standup act/pity party. Not the Teach for America rehash! Really, Donkey? You stomped around Georgetown wanting accolades for simply attending the fucking information session. If you’re on the level about the try out, which I highly doubt, the math debacle was a planned sabotage. No way in hell you would have have spent two years giving selflessly to those whose parents couldn’t possibly have afforded a little gift of 10K for whatever reason. To pull out this episode as part of your Catskills routine, um, er, happiness platform is simply slimy.

    P.S. Tranny elbows!

    • Who do you think you are? says:

      The debate club, the paper, TFA – these aren’t failures in the traditional sense. These are examples of Donkey showing outright contempt toward something others care about because she’s feeling so put-upon or out of her element. That is her default reaction and, once again, she is inadvertently revealing it to all but herself.

      Writing about such a discovery and atoning for past sins (all sins, not just tee-hee-haw stuff) could be an interesting read. (Only if it’s ghostwritten because jesus, Julia, the shitty writing.) But a sociopath will never change its stripes.

      • Cuckoo in a Tutu says:

        This is EXACTLY it. She doesn’t come across as a hapless but enthusiastic nerd in these stories. She sounds like exactly the same entitled brat who refuses to understand that smarter, kinder, better people do more than simply showing up and making noise. She quits or acts out the moment it becomes clear that her goals might require a touch of effort. I don’t think it’s surprising that her lone B was in gym. That’s the one class that you have to provide real time proof of a typical exertion.

        • Albie Quirky says:

          Mama Bird couldn’t do her situps for her, that’s why.

        • JFA says:

          I don’t buy that her lone B was gym. I also have no fucking clue how she doesn’t realize that threatening to have her dog pee on the editor or whatever is not cute at all. It’s horrifying and exposes her a lunatic and a brat and also, a cunt. Isn’t that the guy that said “get the fuck out of my office!” Jesus Christ I would love to have seen that.

          • Cuckoo in a Tutu says:

            I think she intended everyone to think she would’ve had a 4.0 throughout high school if it weren’t for the one B in gym, but I’m betting it’s more like the only time she pulled herself together for a 6wk grading period she still couldn’t bluff her way through gym.

            I find it telling that she thought some completely disgusting and childish story about threatening to have her dog pee on someone was a better route than owning up to what actually happened at the Hoya – which was that they told her to get lost after an extended period of poor behavior including but not limited to plagiarism.

            Julia, when dog urine is cuter than your actual life it’s time to find an institution on a voluntary basis before the state finds one for you.

      • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

        examples of Donkey showing outright contempt toward something others care about because she’s feeling so put-upon or out of her element

        Which also applies to disregard D0nkass has for other people’s jobs (eg: broadcasting that Greasy was updating his resume, that FlapJack might not want a military career, etc) — being incapable of getting & keeping a job of her own, she’s only to happy to sabotage anyone else’s, most especially if/when it keeps anyone from being readily available to her.

      • Prof. F Camping says:

        +100

    • RV of Cuntiness says:

      I thought of you when I read that part, jack!!! Ugh… Shudders at imagining her in a classroom of underprivileged children.

      • frequent liar miles says:

        She sincerely hoped to be chosen to contribute her time and talent to an “exceptionally impoverished” school because, you know, plain old impoverished just wouldn’t cut it for the Adjective Queen.

  12. stranded says:

    This is what winces me the most about her:
    The fact that she believes that “success” means becoming instantly successful and everything falls into place, a successful life should be able to be quickly rooted out, picked up, put on, and worn from now till eternity.
    All matureish adultish responsibleish human beings know that everything that eventually becomes a success in life requires much dedicated work and experience, which is accomplished with time and effort. And even then, if you’re satisfied and can contentedly crack a beerwinetini at the end of the day 75 % of the time, you’re winning.

    Donkey may be one of the worst examples of this delusional laziness, but she’s most certainly not the only one. Winced

  13. Albie Quirky says:

    Look at how brilliantly her columnist star rose over a decade, going from a paltry $50 per column to the dizzying heights of $116 per column (for Social Studies).

    And then back to $50 again for her xoJane dreck.

  14. Fameless Shamewhore says:

    My number one FUCK YOU quote:

    “…In fact, I believe that every experience, relationship and obstacle comes into our lives to teach us lessons we need to grow into the people we’re meant to become. Even if those experiences are really, really unpleasant at the time…”

    I absolutely HATE and DESPISE any philosophy that implies that bad things are “meant” to happen to people to “help” them “grow”.

    I am old enough to have experienced some personal suffering myself, and witnessed terrible, random suffering in others. My huscat works currently with Syrian refugees directly affected by the civil war there.

    So: NO. NO. NO, Julia. These experiences do NOT come into people’s lives to teach them lessons they need to grow. You cunt.

    • JFA says:

      Yeah only upper middle class assholes believe this shit. Yes, I’m sure it was fate that caused my mother’s partial nervous breakdown after my father left. I’m sure it was fate that I had no money to pay for college during their divorce. I’m sure it was fate that I’ve lost people I love in the past few years. It was fate that I was marginally employed for three years. Just STFU. When you have dadsers money to fall back on, of course you can liken your failures to fate. Because you will literally NEVER be poor, struggling, and have to fend for yourself. I hate her ass.

      I don’t believe in fate. Sometimes shit happens that really sucks and it’s not there to teach you a lesson. It happens because life is really shitty and painful sometimes. For people who actually have adult responsibilities that is. If she believes in fate it’s because she refuses to take actual responsibility for her failures and analyze why they happened. “It was just FATE y’all! Predestined to teach me important lessons! So I don’t have to change at all! Let it unfold.”

      • JFA says:

        Learning from your mistakes and learning to move on from and not repeat your failures…learning from adversity to be a stronger person etc….that doesn’t make it fucking fate or a lesson from the universe. Take responsibility for once for your fucking failures. I can’t. Things weren’t “meant” to happen, usually. You made them happen because you are a fucktard. Or they just happened and instead of responding to them with strength and courage you resort to tired cliches because you have a puny little pea brain incapable of reacting in a human way to shitty things that happen to you.

        • A-Game Content says:

          LIKE BUTTON, where(fore art thou) are you?

          I’m sorry you’ve faced difficulties, JFA, but my goodness, what you’ve just written really resonated. I’m glad you’ve come back to the basement while we let La Donk’s cray n bray unfold.

          • JFA says:

            You know how I got better? I did intensive therapy. Overshare but, I basically had a semi-nervous breakdown a few months ago after a year from hell involving losses, things that are too personal to go into but were devastating experiences…and I did a shitload of DBT (I don’t have borderline which it was originally used for but I definitely have some problems managing my emotions). Oh I also finally got off my ass, went apeshit applying to jobs because I couldn’t take the crap work I was doing, and finally got a job. I hope I can keep it and I can do it because I am sorta wracked with some insecurity. But yeah, therapy, get a job, evaluate your choices, try to change yourself…she does none of these things. GO TO A THERAPIST NOT SHAMANS YOU FUCKTARD.

            Yeah I’m glad I’m back too. I had to take a break because well, for a million reasons but…I missed you bitches.

          • Grifty Shades of Bray says:

            You were missed, JFA. Glad you’re back and doing better.

    • Tonyamichaela says:

      In a similar way, I can’t stand it when someone says, after a person dies, that God needed that person more than you needed that person, so the death is actually a blessing. WTF? I’m at the age that all of my grandparents and great-grandparents have been passing away lately, which has been sad but not really unexpected. When ministers have told me this sentiment, that death is a blessing, it wasn’t terribly offensive, since my deceased family members were so elderly and had lived a good life. But it did offend me! Babies, children, and teenagers die all the time. Would these ministers tell that type message to people grieving the death of a younger person? It truly sickens me. When someone dies too soon, it is a tragedy, not a blessing!

      • Donkey's Anger Farts says:

        Sorry for your recent losses.

        I’ve always hated that way of consoling a person too. When someone dies unexpectedly, just let it be sad and tell the people grieving that you’re there for them with whatever they need. Not everyone needs to hear that there’s some master plan that involves their loved one dying and going to a “better place”.

        My grandma was 99 when she died, and had spent at least a decade disappointed with that. She would say, “okay, enough already.” She had a great life and a great family, but she wasn’t terribly fond of her 90’s. I was very sad when she died because I loved her to pieces, but I was also relieved she didn’t have to wake up another morning and say, “I’m still alive? Come on!”

        She was a funny and warm lady and I miss her terribly, but I didn’t need someone to console me and give me some canned answer about a plan. I felt like celebrating her fascinating life and the fact that her biggest wish had finally come true.

  15. Greg'sWife (literally) aka DirtyLakeMichigan says:

    Awww… how cute! This is what the cold, dead eyes of a sociopath look like as a child.

    • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

      We have different ways of discerning “dead eyes”, you & I … IMHO, covering the mouth of a smiling person (or the gaping maw of a maniacal d0nkey, as the case may be), is the tell … I personally don’t see hers as flat & devoid of emotion here.

      She does live for the camera though, & I can well imagine that candid, unawares photos of her likely tell a completely different story.

    • Dichotomy Trope (Queen Neferteeri) says:

      I still chortle derisively at the thought of an agent sending out that proposal.

    • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

      This doesn’t bode well for our Wet Donkass — maybe the reference to Chef Gurl R Dee as the boyfriend of nine months was timely when D0nk submitted her manurefesto to Guinsler — question is: did he really shop it, or pass it around as the joke that it is?

    • Grifty Shades of Bray says:

      Dolphin fucker?

  16. Donkey Elbows says:

    Ugh, there actually is an SNL sketch about synchronized swimming. She gets everything wrong. http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=A2AU2xu3CeQ&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DA2AU2xu3CeQ

  17. JFA says:

    Comes to NY broke = “My parents only gave me a small $10,000 graduation gift.” Comes to NYC broke yet manages to support herself on a $50 a week writing gig.

    Your lies are showing. Does she mention shacking up with the married dude then refusing to leave his apartment for a year? Ugh. And her debate club brags…let it go. Notably she doesn’t list “failing out of Indiana” as one of her failures. God forbid anyone knows she went there.

    You’re a dick.

    • JFA says:

      It’s like she wants to portray herself as some big loser (‘failures’ carefully curated so none of the big ones she doesn’t want anyone to know about are included), yet all of these “tee hee I’m a dork” assertions are just humblebrags in disguise.

      Get over fucking high school. It was years ago, calm down.

      • JFA says:

        Also I was a feminist in high school and I landed myself a group of very cool “alternative” (remember the 90s?) friends and a devoted hot boyfriend who was also into punk rock and radical politics. And I don’t buy her feminism shit for a second.

        • Cuntiness RV says:

          Yes! I was into geekier, alternative-type things in high school in the nineties, and I found a wonderful group of like-minded friends whom I love to this day. Her view of society is so cliche and bit scary.

          • JFA says:

            My best friend and boyfriend at the time got the “most individual” designation in HS. I used to wear Superchunk t-shirts etc, because i feel like around the age of 13 you really start to foment your identity, if you are a halfway intelligent person with real interests, whereas everything about her was a show…how can it be possible she never found her niche? Because she has no fucking clue who she really is, is why. She wanted to be prom queen and just never accepted that she never would be. So immature and such a tool.

          • JFA says:

            Also unlike her I was actually able to do well in HS, do well in college, actually get into grad school…I’m sorry but most “dorks” are actually high-achieving. She portrays herself as such a deep thinker. If this were true her life wouldn’t be a miserable track record of failures. She should just accept she’s marginally talented and intelligent and get a fucking JOB already. Like literally I think most of her schtick is just her not accepting that most people have to work for a living. Save her one year working for star, when has she actually had income? Yet she expects everyone to believe she supports herself, can pay a billion dollars rent on her Marina del bray home (or whatever that hood is called)…somehow made it in NYC for years with $2800 rent…SHE HAD NO INCOME. I can’t anymore. I still believe she had a trust fund and now she’s burning through her granny inheritance.

          • Tribune Slingbacks says:

            “Working” for Star. She did what, show up on Fox and Friends for half an hour a couple times a month?

            You are so right about everything though. Most former high-achieving dorks aren’t flitting around miserably in their 30s because they did well in college and spent their 20s actually working (on a career, in grad school, whatever), and because they have actual friends and relationships.

          • JFA says:

            She did a lot of tv appearances actually, they were all really bad…and didn’t she get fired (I’m sorry her contract expired, lol) because she just used the position to promote herself? Bwahahaha. That actually coulda been a really good gig for her, except she absolutely sucks on tv. As usual she cannot use one undeserved opportunity to make anything of herself.

            Agreed, if she was such a big dork her aspirations would have been to actually have a career, not try to get famous by all means possible.

      • SchadenfreudianSlip says:

        Well, wish I had read this before writing my comment below. Sorry JFA, you beat me to it.

  18. confused says:

    You are in your 30s. Jesus, move on from high school already!!

  19. SchadenfreudianSlip says:

    Here is what I find most amusing.

    All of her “failures” that she “fesses up to” are never really about her failing. Its always a result of her doing something really funny or really cute or really clever. Right? The subtext is always that she did this thing that was too cutting edge for her bosses or too clever for other people to understand or too over the top edgy. . . that results in her failing. Its never “I sucked at this so I was fired or rejected.” Its never “I offended people with my laziness and ineptitude” which is actually closer to reality.

    Point being, even her “admitting” to her failures is just one big humble brag. And she doesn’t think she is being transparent about it.

    • OMGPearskank says:

      She is trying so incredibly hard to put up a convincing “misunderstood genius/gifted person” and it is just one big fail.

      I sometimes think that she looked at someone like Tina Fey or other smart successful people and thought what those people must have been like in high school. This and the use of every Rom Com cliche of the sympathetic high school “loser” who ends up making it big was then woven into this narrative of “Say what you might, but my fame is just a question of when not if, it’s ineffably inevitable! I tick all the boxes!!!”

      It would be to laugh if it wasn’t so disturbing.

      • Tribune Slingbacks says:

        Didn’t she see that episode of 30 Rock that has flashbacks to Liz Lemon in high school? Liz thought she was a poor bullied misunderstood geek, but in reality she was just an asshole. That’s Julia’s whole life right there.

    • Albie Quirky says:

      Spy magazine, I think it was, once ice-burned Phil Donahue’s autobiography for “ennobling his failings by coyly agonizing over them in print.”

  20. darling dearest sexy baconface says:

    she doesn’t mention her failed Tech Studies column, nor her failed “startup” (non-society) nor her failed pilot IT Girls.

    you know, actual fails.

  21. Donkey's Anger Farts says:

    “33 I literally – LITERALLY – sent him 14 emails over the course of 6 months until he finally gave me me a column out of sheer exhaustion from deleting them.”

    Ugh. Twice with the “literally”? Ugh

    Deleting slightly more than 2 emails a month is exhausting? No wonder why Donkey thinks she works hard and is so busy.

  22. Brett the Donkey Handler says:

    She will self publish online and commence hippie van nationwide tour. This will be huge. Yahoo will offer fuck you money. Brit will be jealous.

  23. frequent liar miles says:

    So she was fired as a receptionist for not [quotatiom marks Donkey’s] “taking ownership of the position.” Her quotation marks are there to indicate how absurd it is that anyone would be expected to take ownership of such a lowly job, but the truth is that she has never taken ownership of any project she’s attempted. She is just incapable (also: an asshole.)

    • pearipathetic donkey says:

      Also, I cannot imagine a worse position for such an asshole.

    • JFA says:

      I bet she showed up late constantly and that’s one reason they canned her. I know receptionists work hard and teh job is sometimes not easy but…it’s not exactly rocket science. How can you fuck that up? She’s just such a loser.

  24. Jelly Roll says:

    There’s not a line in this dreckitude that can’t be mocked. But forget about the trees for a second and let’s just stare at the forest.

    Look at the premise of this thing. She’s proposing to find out if a list of about 2 dozen things will make her “happy”. But the list is made up of stuff she’s already done (some from YEARS ago), that she’s already publicly shown have not, in fact, made her “happy”.

    Done. The end. How is there a book there?

    • JFA says:

      Yeah I’m wondering why anyone would buy a book from someone who is clearly a failure and very unhappy. Like her big epiphany is going to be “I went to Burning Man and got a boyfriend so now I’m happy.” Wow, so original. So your advice is to go to burning man and try to land a husband? Powerful stuff.

    • Blowjobs by Bravo says:

      Definition of insanity-doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. There we solved it-she’s insane. It’s like she sent her mental health records to publishers.

  25. RollsRoyceRevenge says:

    I was not a dork, a nerd, an outcast or a loner in high school.

    I did spend a lot of time making fun of the dorks, nerds, outcasts and loners.

    My bad.

    Really, why is it a fucking badge of honor to have been some sniveling, resentful self-pitying walking eyesore with no social skills and poor hygene? I understand that this isn’t always the person’s fault, particularly during school years – neglect or abuse at home and mental illness often play a part – but why would anyone identify as this type as some sort of weird acheivement? And the idea that all nerds are “successful” when they grow up is also horseshit. The “nerds” that are successful are as likely to be pieces of garbage like Fuckerberg and Arrington as they are well-adjusted, productive and talented people. Reading comic books and sprouting a failbeard are not some automatic fast track to being Stephen King.

    People who pretend to be nerds/etc. are different, though. They’re worse. Much, much worse.

    Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a hot and horny but realistically low-key note in Sean Parker’s handwriting. I’m going to slip it onto Brit Morin’s lunch tray. It’ll give her DIY reuse-an-old-rolled-up-bath-mat-as-a-fannyhammer masturbation material for WEEKS.

  26. Grifty Shades of Bray says:

    You know what book I’d buy? A careful, page by page deconstruction of this proposal by a panel of the leading abnormal psychology experts.

  27. Tingolayo says:

    Guys, I can’t make my way through the whole thing. It winces me too much. She thinks that anyone on the planet cares where she sat in the school cafeteria? It’s worrisome that a 32-year-old woman still remembers and cares about this stuff. Also, she seems to think that she can salvage her reputation as a shallow, witless airhead by mentioning over and over again that she “read a lot of books” when she was a kid. If she has read so many books, why hasn’t she learned anything from them?

    • SP says:

      Yes, it seems fundamentally performative. Taking a lot of pictures of books, taking pictures of her marginalia in books, and yet nothing but sophomoric insights to share about them because she doesn’t finish them.

  28. Grifty Shades of Bray says:

    I’d love it if her self-appointed agent simply responded to her with “Go home, Donkey, you’re drunk.”

  29. frequent liar miles says:

    I suspect that the title of this post is a rhetorical question on JP’s part, but now having processed the Epic Treatise, I think there may have been a method to Donkey’s madness in recycling her tales of schoolgirl angst: Big Sister wants her target audience to include the All the Bullied Girls demographic.

    She will make such a great role model.

  30. SP says:

    This actually makes me really, really sad for her. 20 years worth of crap that could have been handled with some good deep work in psychotherapy. And instead it’s been parlayed into delusions of grandeur. Also, the whole “running with it” thing – in the book proposal she says “This is the kind of thing they fund so my book tour will most likely be funded by them.” The same issue with IT Girls – taking it as a given. Julia, stop counting your eggs before they hatch. I just can’t!

  31. HighSchooler says:

    Why didn’t she include that she got rejected from Georgetown (the school, not just tours)originally and had to reapply in collage?

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