Read It Here, Type-A Haters and Shitheads

Screen shot 2013-09-21 at 1.53.59 PM

Apparently someone in publishing felt the world needed to see it in all its glory. All righty then.

FEAST AWAY! 

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738 Responses to Read It Here, Type-A Haters and Shitheads

  1. LEFOOLIEH says:

    SO. MUCH. CRAP.

  2. Dichotomy Trope (Queen Neferteeri) says:

    Occasionally, someone gets a query letter or proposal so weird or inappropriate it gets passed around. This one, by Julia Allison, is the weirdest, most inappropriate proposal I have ever seen.

    HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

  3. juliaspublicist cried his rhinestone off juliaspublicist says:

    Ashton and Ellen Degeneres better watch their back. Deepak Chopra better arm himself for his own protection.

    • Blowjobs by Bravo says:

      Is it wrong that I’m praying a little bit (<–keeping in line with the writing style, and I'm actually praying so hard it might rain in the room) that someone on the list sends her a cease and desist for using their names for her shameless self promotion.

  4. OMGPearskank says:

    Ouch.

  5. Handbag Stuffed With Hair says:

    Julia, because I know you’re reading here, see what happened to this site as soon as your proposal went out? You want attention more than anything and you got it. Now multiply it by the 500,000 copies of the book you are guaranteeing publishers you’ll sell. Good luck with that.

    • Little Orphan Lilly says:

      We must be her (incredibly numerous) exceptions that prove the rule, because she does seem to believe that everyone’s default reaction to her is love. That jaw-dropping moment halfway through where she throws it out there that audiences didn’t find her likable? She’s using it to be like “tee hee, see what I need to work on?”, but just the fact that she tells that story means that she doesn’t, deep down, believe it’s actually possible. If you told me a test audience thought I was unlikable, I’d either go “fuck them, I’m me” or (more likely) lick my wounds and then take a good, long look at my behaviour to see how people are getting that impression of me. Julia turns it into an anecdote. I have no doubt that she still completely, completely believes that all she needs is for this book to get published and next fall she’ll be on a movie poster for “20 Weddings and 1 Silver Lame Hotpant,” with armies of adoring fans.

      • Handbag Stuffed With Hair says:

        Right?!? When I have incredibly successful public events I still feel afterward that I got a particular laugh in a dickish way, or I said something I didn’t mean. I have more ways of criticizing myself than Eskimos have words for etc.

        The thing you describe about JA, that everyone’s default response to her is love, has to have a name, right? It isn’t just Dunning-Kruger — it seems a little different from that.

      • Dyspeptic says:

        “just the fact that she tells that story means that she doesn’t, deep down, believe it’s actually possible.”

        Reminds me of the Hemmingway 6-word Julia Allison story I submitted to this very site some years ago (and what a fun contest THAT was!!):

        You’d like me if we met.

  6. Psychtic Today says:

    This is everything I could have hoped for and more.

  7. Dr. Gary says:

    God damn it.

    The fall season is off to such a great start, made the long, long, lonnngggg summer hiatus SO WORTH IT.

  8. Blowjobs by Bravo says:

    Wow. Just. Wow. I seriously wrote better than this during my senior year in high school as editor of the year book. And one of you photoshop God’s hopefully are working on JA in a RV with Devin on a Dildo. Be sure and send along to her for the cover of her book.

    And as a point of clarification, because I truly do not know, but are you supposed to use nursery school fonts? I am just so confused and in the process of writing my first book proposal-thanks for a ‘How To on Not What to Do’ JA.

    • Tingolayo says:

      widdle girls who wear adorable pink tutus are too twee and innocent to use grown-up fonts

    • Drunken Polka Dot Feet says:

      I so want to see that book cover!

      • Prof. F Camping says:

        where’s that handy gif of derpin and the dildomobile?

        • Blowjobs by Bravo says:

          Yes, that’s the one I was hoping someone could skillfully swap out the car for the RV (I own one). Do you think she’ll tow the C-Classless behind her?

    • Nosferatu-tu says:

      BbyBravo: are you writing fiction or non-fiction? If it’s fiction, have you tried these sites? Miss Snark (unfortunately closed now, but the archives are still up and full of useful info on how to query) and Query Shark. Sorry no links. Try the google!

      • Blowjobs by Bravo says:

        Nosferatu-tu-I’m writing non-fiction but it would be worth it to check out the sites you mention just for an education-thank you!

  9. Princess WideStance says:

    “Sometimes, if I run out of fresh material, I’ll cut & paste old paragraphs from my
    college theology papers and intersperse them into the text to see if you’re still
    reading. Occasionally I’ll steal exercises that people smarter than me have
    come up with, and put them in little boxes throughout the chapters.”

    LITTLE BOXES THROUGHOUT THE CHAPTERS

    I am dead. Dead, I tell you.

  10. rollo tomasi says:

    The footnotes and parentheses are killing me.

    “Getting married in 20 different places (Requires marriage proposal from boyfriend!Hopefully coming soon! The idea behind this experiment is to find out whether getting married without expectations – say, in Vegas – makes you happier than getting married with quite a few expectations – say, in a formal church wedding. We’ll try them all! P.S.This was actually – shockingly – not my idea, but my boyfriend’s. We’ll see if he followsthrough on it. Ha!)”

    I CAN’T.

    • Blowjobs by Bravo says:

      And let me guess, a Go Fund Me account to pay for all of their ‘weddings?’ We now know why Devin was hanging on, she was selling this to him as their key to a success lifetime of grifting. Devin, it’s safe to say neither of you will get published in your lifetimes. Devin will leave JA in 5..4..3..2..

    • Empty, Scheming Doll says:
      • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

        Also, a Gawker article on a pair of dudes & four weddings (I just saw the headlines)

    • Tingolayo says:

      Something I’ve never understood: when a modern couple is living together, vacationing together, planning future events together… and yet the woman is hoping for an OMG PROPOSAL! And openly states, “I really hope my boyfriend proposes!” as if the future of the relationship is not something to be discussed openly by two adults, but something that just magically happens when your fairy godmother sends and OMG ENGAGEMENT RING your way.

      It’s different when you are both on the same page, you know you’ll be getting married, and one partner “surprises” the other with a proposal; but Mulia is saying outright: the future of my relationship depends not on me but on my boyfriend. Will we get married? I don’t know– that’s his decision.

      • BunnyBingo says:

        I don’t get this “waiting on tenterhooks” thing either. To me it’s a joint decision that can be discussed like any other aspect of your relationship, not some “will he or won’t he” holding your breath deal. How do you live with someone if you are constantly on edge waiting for that?

      • Blowjobs by Bravo says:

        Yeah, if she’s soooooo happy then why does she need to get engaged? Her book title/sub title should be:
        “Hoping for Happiness around every Corner but Constantly Crushed by Mediocrity”
        ‘One woman’s inability to follow through on anything and her ability to blame everyone else-a Cautionary Tale of When Mental Illness gets left Untreated.’
        She’s really taking her experiments too far by marrying a gay man.

    • JFA says:

      So embarrassing. How old is she now, 32? Jesus give up the wedding fantasy already.

      And I cannot take her boyfriend brags. YOU HAVE A FUCKING BOYFRIEND NO ONE CARES. It’s amazing how many quotidian things she thinks she is so special for achieving. And how much she brags about dating a complete fucking tool who is also homosexual.

      • JFA says:

        Like, I’m 35 and I am coming to terms with the fact that I might never be married (again) or have kids…that’s called growing the fuck up, accepting certain realities I partially chose myself if I care to really think about it, and being truly at peace with myself instead of pretending I am and then crying myself to sleep every night because I still haven’t gotten to wear a bridal tiara. You are a sad, cliched freak. I feel sorry for you. Ugh.

  11. Albie Quirky says:

    I hate you because I started reading it. So much horribleness.

    And why didn’t anyone fucking proofread it?

    • Devin's Shiny Crocs (Base Model Edition says:

      The typos. The grammatical errors. They are so many. I am so winced!

      I mean, this is something she sent to publishers? And not just a really long text typed on her iPhone?

    • JFA says:

      I imagine it was because, much like 90% of the people on this thread, most people/friends/colleagues/opportunities for her to namedrop/momsers didn’t make it past page 3.

  12. MY TML Weekly says:

    Is the girl who was bullied and hiding in the library during recess the same as the girl who threw herself a birthday party at the country club?

    And, her grandmother helped raise her? Que?

    What if yourself is the liar?

    • By the Grace of Greg says:

      Of course! The grandmother who didn’t speak to the mother for years helped raise her. It all makes sense. Back away from the logic.

  13. Donkey's Anger Farts says:

    After reading only 2 pages, I already feel better about every embarrassing thing I’ve ever done in my life. No matter what I do, it will never be this horrifying.

  14. Jen says:

    “I read a dozen books simultaneously at any given time and I am constantly going
    back and forth between them, looking for the overlapping themes, drawing
    conclusions, much like college – the classes back to back to back. Because that’s
    how life is, a series of venn diagrams that we, oddly, try to push apart when we
    really should be pushing them together.”

    SO DEEP.

    • Donkey's Anger Farts says:

      Tho thmart.

      • Grifty Shades of Bray says:

        What an idiot she is. If life is a series of Venn diagrams (wtf, but okay…) then pushing them apart accomplishes nothing because they either exist as is or they don’t, considering they are based on facts and data. Shut the fuck up, Donkey and stop trying so hard!

        • Nosferatu-tu says:

          What is with the f*cking Venn diagrams again??? Why is she still hung up on it? Is she now pretending to have a German accent, instead of an English one?

          Venn is the wedding, Julia?
          Venn are you going to grow up?
          Venn are you going to get a job?

          UGH! DONKEY.

    • Jen says:

      Okay…. I am feeling a little bit bad for her now. Reading this section:

      “I want to know how to control, to the extent that any of us can, the way I am
      coming across, like a musician controls her instrument.”

      She doesn’t know how to be herself or how to be normal. That sounds like absolute hell….

      I wonder where it all went wrong with her, considering she’s had every possible advantage in life, and considering that her brother is so normal.

      • Blowjobs by Bravo says:

        She needs a therapist not a publisher.

        • Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

          So very, very true.

          It is madness.

        • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

          But, but … her “coaches” have been so effective!

          Are you ready to start being “the real Julia,” he asks me at the end of our session?“I’m not 100% sure I know who the real Julia is …” I answer.

          But I know a good way to start.

          PROMMM!!!!

        • Albie Quirky says:

          But remember, she has “a great therapist” as she told us (Erin Pavlina, whose earnest cautions about having astral sex with demons were read out on the most recent podcast from TheFPl.us—my snark worlds collided!)

        • Devin's Shiny Crocs (Base Model Edition says:

          She writes so emphatically about her desire to change, and yet glaringly avoids doing the one thing that might actually help her do that: getting professional help. Rather than seeing a therapist, she trots out these weird lists of quacks with whom she’s met. The absence of qualified help on her list of “experiments” really stands out.

          She does not want to changed. She wants to be told she is perfect as she is. And if the only person who will tell her that is a grifter phony, then so be it.

    • Tingolayo says:

      Who is this “we” about whom she generalizes? Life is hard. For everyone. But not *all* of us self-sabotage the way that you do, Mulia, in order to remain at the mental and emotional age of 12.

    • Prof. F Camping says:

      simultaneously equal parts.

    • JFA says:

      I’m still waiting to hear what her GPA was that she never brags about because you know it fucking sucked. Such a reader! Such a thinker! Does she mention getting dinged from Harvard like 14 times? And failing out of Indiana U. because she could’nt get into a single prestigious college without transferring in and riding on obvious familial connections while doing so despite going to a fancy high school and probably having numerous SAT tutors/college advisors/parents writing her applications? Triple female legacy from Stanford who still wouldn’t accept her ass? Etc etc. I can’t even imagine the suckage that was her college application essay. Georgetown!

    • By the Grace of Greg says:

      Everyone knows the best way to process information is to read a dozen books at the same time.

      • Blowjobs by Bravo says:

        She fails to mention ever finishing any of them-zero follow through like everything she does.

        • By the Grace of Greg says:

          I’m pretty sure this proposal is just all the notes she’s written in the margins of the books she’s half-read.

  15. Princess WideStance says:

    A new Happiness TV show!

    – She’s “in talks” with major networks to get it off the ground
    – Her Miss Advised executive producer has “agreed” to produce it, although this person is oddly not named
    – Randi Zuckerberg is “interested” in producing as well

    • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

      WorPe alluded to The Ugly Zuckerberg’s contribution, & now, having seen it, WTF? I really thought that The One Who Sings Like Shit had finally caught a clue about The One Who Lies Through Her Chiclets, but no, apparently not.

      • Cuckoo in a Tutu says:

        Apparently not according to Julia Allison, which could just as easily mean that Julia yelled something in Randi’s general direction about reality TV production 3 years ago, and Randi didn’t immediately file a cease and desist order.

        • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

          “Julia Allison brought sex, glamour & celebrity to the tech industry -and is one of the most talented, entertaining writers I’ve had the privilege of knowing. This book will be huge.”
          – Randi Zuckerberg, author of Dot Complicated

          Hmmm … according to the google, Randi Zuckerberg didn’t publicly say (type) the above … if (IF) it’s something Ol’ Teller truly gave her (as in a recent email), it sure makes me wonder WTH Julia Allison holds over Randi Zuckerberg’s head …

  16. Type-A Hater says:

    RING RING!

    I’ve been away for much of the last month (the first few weeks of school = insanity for many 9th grade teachers) but this new pile o’ cray is just what I needed. Can’t wait to curl up with my cat and my Cheetos and a little light reading this evening!

  17. How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

    Heh. I C&P one page of Julia Allison’s MeMeMe screed to Grammarly (ONE page) …

    RESULTS:
    Grammarly found 33 critical writing issues and generated 3 word choice corrections for your text.
    Score: 41 of 100
    (weak, needs revision)

  18. Wonkeye says:

    This is the most manic, mental, POS I may have ever read. Yet out of all the lunacy, the thing that caused me to click “close,” was her spelling of cheque. The pretentious straw that broke this hump’s back. Let the bidding war commence!

  19. RollsRoyceRevenge says:

    Notable Supportive Influencers
    – Senator Mark “Berk’s Dirk” Kirk
    – Randi Zuckerberg, has teeth
    – Diablo Cody, Oscar the Grouch lookalike
    – Michael Wilbon, ESPN ho
    – E Jean Carroll, dyspeptic bitch
    – Shira Lazar, Emmy nominated host of What’s Trending. She lost.
    – Nick Bilton, NYT columnist and unaware he is listed here
    – Taryn Southern, actress, sort of & tube star (25 m views of her tubes)
    – David Karp, tounder of Fumblr
    – Sean Parker, former President of Facebook, present day ruler of the Elven Kingdom of Magical Illegal Bulldozer Fuck You
    – Garrett Camp, stumbled upon him
    – Alexi Ohanian, frogface of Ribbit
    – Kevin Rose, founder of keep digging
    – Jack Dorsey, co-founder of Twitter & a fucking square
    – Dave Morin, founder of Path, early employee at Facebook, early husband of Brit Morin
    – Brit Morin, founder of Brit.co, Today Show contributor, multi-site plagiarist
    – Dave Zinczenko, former EIC of Men’s Health, never bathes
    – Jimmy Wales, founder of Ickipedia
    – Katrina Szish, tv commentator, bitch, please
    – Noah Kagan, founder of AppSumo, with a list of over 700,000 subscribers, most of them one fat guy in Dunkirk
    – Eben Pagan, founder of DoubleYourDating, with a list of over a million people who never heard of her
    – Robert Scoble, fat cunt
    – Kristin Thorne, Emmy winning ABC news reporter with split ends
    – Michael Ellsberg, greasy sex gargoyle

  20. BunnyBingo says:

    “This is the meaning of life, in all its devastating glory. Let it unfold.” – page 69.
    Omg. Made my weekend. Muchas gracias.

  21. Whining Poofy Bore says:

    “Experiments in Misery: A Desperate Attempt to Justify My Empty Existence :-(“

  22. Whining Poofy Bore says:

    “It might just inspire millions to break the rules and pursue happiness. Or it might just go completely unnoticed. I don’t know, I thought we were talking about my four-hour body and endless orgasms?” — Tim Ferret

    • Whining Poofy Bore says:

      I’ll stop soon. But what a treasure, a treasure, I say! The lulz were had. [Are being had.] Another blurber, John Romaniello, retweeted or liked or something socialed one of my tweets the other day and I cringed, thinking of Donkey.

  23. For serious??? says:

    So many questions about the lies….

    Is she implying that she has been on Fresh Air before?
    Where is this RV?
    Ayahuasca? Mmmmkay.

  24. MY TML Weekly says:

    I am simultaneously (in equal parts) laughing my ass off and feeling both sorry for her and vaguely terrified of how much she must be raging right now. I mean, I’m sure she hasn’t seen any of this b/c she is digitally detoxing but someone must have told her about this by now.

    And Jebus, imagine how painful that jab about her FW shenanigans in the NYDN must have been since she had just submitted this mental proposal all over town.

    I honestly don’t know how she can survive this massive public humiliation.

    She may just have to experiment with getting a fucking job.

  25. AnnaPelt is Happy at 138 says:

    The Lord’s bounty.

  26. Tingolayo says:

    I HAVE NO WORDS. But I’ll try.
    She’s an idiot. She’s unoriginal. She can’t write, so she quotes other people. The babbling, the parenthetical comments (What, they bug you? don’t blame me. ((OK, blame me.)) (((*hangs head*))) I never claimed to be writer! (oh, um, wait, I did! (LOL) not that there’s anything to LOL about (what, you disagree?)) *slinks off to buy chocolate* (who me? buy chocolate? (looks around shamefully)).

    SHE IS SO FRICKIN’ FRACKIN’ DUMB that I could only make it through 3 pages…. and I wanted to read the whole thing, for donkey-mocking material, but it’s too awful.

    She talks like she’s some brave, fearless, adventurer who’s exploring the world. Let’s see : lived in Chicago in parents’ high-rise condo; lived in bland Los Angeles condo, on parent’s and/or Bravo’s dime; lived in New York, where she tagged around people with actual jobs; went to Sweden and sat in hot tub with her suburban mom; was one of 3 people [“starred in,” in donkeyspeak] in a brief, critically panned, little-watched reality show; fudged her way through skimpy, short-lived vanity “column” given to her by Elle.com, so it would look like she had a job for said show; talked to a “witch” in suburban Los Angeles for a few minutes, and threw a piece of wood into the ocean [she probably calls it “the sea]; and then met an unemployed, friendless fame hog who had nothing better to do than to crash parties with her, dresses up in the pink costumes she ordered him to wear.

    Is that pretty accurate? She did stuff that most people do in their spare time, outside of their full-time jobs, and acts like it was some deliberate PLAN, a serious EFFORT, to explore the world.

    My friend, a corporate lawyer, goes to Burning Man. Another friend, a librarian, is a witch. A real witch, not a witch-for-pay. That stuff is hardly edgy and eyebrow-raising anymore. But to Julia Allison, who’s mentally and emotionally stuck at the prom (ok, not even that advanced– the middle-school graduation dance) this is really daring, really “alternative.”

    She needs therapy. Lots of it. With a licensed social worker or a psychologist from an accredited PhD program or psychologist who graduated from a medical school that’s not in Ruritania.

    Also… her “thesis” (ha ha, ho ho, I crack myself up) is that she became happy when she found Durpin? So a relationship=happiness? So why did she then go to Peru with said OMG BOYFRIEND… to find happiness? But she’d already found it. Ayuhuasca makes you happy? She makes no sense.

    • Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

      She is barking mad.

      • Barking Mad is a happy person without your goddamn book says:

        You rang?

        With all the smart, talented people who are submitting book proposals, how can she think this drivel will be acceptable?

        She is barking mad. My opinion is unchanged since … whenever I found RBNS.

    • Sake Bombardier says:

      It was a documentary series!

    • JFA says:

      So brave. Esp her time in NYC. She found a cheap apartment on Craigslist! she actually had the courage to live there for five minutes, with nothing but her small $10,000 graduation gift from Dadsers, until she found a married man to sponge off of and then live for free in his apartment after she dumped him for someone else, for like 1.5 years! And so brave to rent a closet in a luxury high rise in a bland midtown hood on Dadsers dime! She really roughed it.

      • Dichotomy Trope (Queen Neferteeri) says:

        Actually, she initially got the pink, boner-killing shoebox in the bland midtown ‘hood when she had her brief gig as “Editor at Large” for Star. In true Donkey form, she assumed that gig would be permanent and, in fact, she’d somehow get piles of cash handed to her, so why bother looking for a reasonable apartment? It’s the same mindset when she got the overpriced, bland Marina Del Bray place, then couldn’t afford it after Bravo kicked her to the curb (like so many of her dates have done).

        • JFA says:

          Oh god her apartment hunt posts were the best. Remember when she was totally not going to move into another NYC place after she had to leave hers, and had to run home to Chicago when her father finally cut her off, but she posted about like, obviously $5000 a month rentals that she was considering renting?

          • JFA says:

            And when she rented the pink palace and video’d herself looking at it and how OMG nervous! she was that she finally had to, you know, pay her own rent? Being an adult is scary, y’all.

    • Everything's Coming Up Dadsters says:

      I think you mean phd.

  27. SchadenfreudianSlip says:

    I alternate between feeling bad for her family and feeling no sympathy for them whatsoever. At the moment, I feel bad for them. Will this train wreck ever stop embarrassing them in extremely public ways? If they are not embarrassed, then there is something very very wrong with them. And I guess maybe we’ve heard that there is.

    Broken record, but the extent of her lunacy is difficult to fathom. She is an absolute lunatic with zero grasp on reality.

    • Candy Corn Travesty says:

      That’s just how I feel.

    • Sake Bombardier says:

      Someone needs to get through to her that she can’t brand her way out of insanity.

      • JFA says:

        I love this. I snorted . I am SO SICK of her schtick about “Branging.” Give it the fuck UP already. YOu’ve been trying to “brand” yourself an expert on branding for how long now? NO one is buying what you are selling, dumbass.

  28. Mandy says:

    Well, we now know why the sudden surge in purchased twitter followers. Employing a “marketing” strategy that relies upon potential publishers not knowing how to verify legitimacy of twitter followers is probably not a very sound business strategy.

    • Blowjobs by Bravo says:

      And why leave the internet for 6 months now? Wouldn’t she rather be engaging her ‘fans’ with witty blogs and surveys that will write her book for her? Building her ‘Happy’ brand? The proposal is so desperate, unhinged and wreaks of her needing to be medicated.

  29. HipsterLawyerGrifter says:

    More alternate titles:
    That word you keep using, I do not think it means what you think it means: the Julia Allison story
    White Wine: Homeless with an iPhone
    Hippie Cynics: the Dichotomy Trope, Ashton, and why All the Girls can’t have it all
    Apples don’t bruise easily, but that never stopped me from trying: falling far from the tree

  30. Whining Poofy Bore says:

    Ashram/inner peace/”om” brayge. LOL! I went to an ashram for five days and I am cured! Eat bray love! Fucking fuck.

  31. MY TML Weekly says:

    The diagram on page 19 is killing me so hoard!

    • Ineffably Adverbial says:

      Yeah, I’m in marketing and I’m learning so much from this proposal. Like, for example, I had no idea marketing plans should be shaped like a doodle of the sun!!! Label ALL the rays!!!!

  32. Blowjobs by Bravo says:

    One experiment she wasn’t counting on? Her parents 5150’ing her after the backlash from the leak.

  33. Ineffably Adverbial says:

    I JUST GOT TO THE SAMPLE CHAPTER.

    SHE BEGINS WITH A QUOTE.
    FROM HERSELF.

    OH, BLESS.

  34. BunnyBingo says:

    “I have over 500,000 eager customers, ready to purchase a book about happiness” – page 21, 6a.

  35. How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

    ZOMG, page 20!

    Her delusion about herself is astounding! In Julia Allison Baugher’s stunted, warped mind, everyone from Reddit to NPR’s Fresh Air will be clamoring to make her more famous than she (thinks she) already is.

  36. Handbag Stuffed With Hair says:

    Yesterday I nearly sent this to my editor just to hear what he’d say. But then I remembered that I love him and don’t want him to suffer.

    • I shared it with the other intern at the publishing company where I work. I’m waiting for the text from her saying “WTF?!?!?” I know it’s coming at some point this weekend.

      We read some whack stuff all the time, but this is the sort of thing that’s presented in court as evidence in a nonvoluntary commitment hearing.

  37. Whining Poofy Bore says:

    What if I don’t want, like, a PhD in happiness? What if I want a BA in happiness instead, because I’m not sure how a PhD in happiness is going to lead to sustainable employment? I could double major in happiness and gender studies or something. Happiness and math. Happiness and econ. Can the faltering global economy support an influx of Happiness PhDs?

    • Prof. F Camping says:

      math is hard and thinking gives you wrinkles. tee hee. grifter grad school for all the girls! since she couldn’t get an mrs degree at georgetown she’s publicly shaming derpin into proposing. it’s there in black and white, multiple times in the proposal (get it, DEVIN, A PROPOSAL!!!)

  38. Whining Poofy Bore says:

    “You be wrong, my friend. You be very wrong.” GRAMMAR.

  39. Whining Poofy Bore says:

    “There’s a lot of rubble in my soul.” Soul Rubble, the distant hippie relative of Barney Rubble.

    • Prof. F Camping says:

      i thought there was no judgment in black rock city.

    • Handbag Stuffed With Hair says:

      It’s in the gallbladder gravel family.

      • Greg'sWife (literally) aka DirtyLakeMichigan says:

        OMG… My cat just had surgery a few hours ago to remove the ‘gallbladder gravel’! (Well, stones actually. Before they broke and caused a block)
        Sorry… carry on.

  40. Documentary Series says:

    I binged-read and now feel sick.

    As if Julia’s time away from the internet has been my bottled green-juice cleanse. I’ve been drinking the green juice of reading novels and news about Syria and Colorado. The whole time craving the hydrogenated-oil-and-corn-syrup cupcake that is Julia. Then suddenly there is the box of cupcakes, right in front of me….I shove it into my maw, barely pausing to chew, hee-hawing and snorting like a sugar donkey-pig.

    Now, there is sticky pink frosting swirled into the thick foundation line at my neck, and caught in my synthetic, clip-in hair extensions. And my genetically-thin and gorgeous “sister” (I am little sister to some, big sister to others) just walked in the door and sneers, “Ugh, whatever, if that is really what you want to put in your body.”

    Remember that video, guys?

  41. Donkey Elbows says:

    Under marketing she imagines a *branded chocolate bar*. Are readers encouraged to Hoover them up three at a time before paying. Happiness!!!

  42. mcakez: We Need to Talk About Devin says:

    I have strong contacts at The Today Show, etc.” = “I’ve been dragged out screaming by their extremely muscular body guards” right?

    • Albie Quirky says:

      She was on The Today Show once, so in her mind she’s practically the next host.

      • Blowjobs by Bravo says:

        Why was she banned from Fox?

        • Worrisome Pelts says:

          Sources said that she bailed on a Red Eye taping because her flight arrived late. But it didn’t and when Gutfeld found out, he banned her from his show. Bookers talk amongst themselves, so that was the end of her at FNC.

          • Blowjobs by Bravo says:

            thank you.

          • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

            I thought it had to do w/ her saying stuff about the show that wasn’t true & he got pissed?

            My memory sucks, but it’s from something seen on Gawker ages ago (hence my bestiality sex comment somewhere yesterday).

          • Dichotomy Trope (Queen Neferteeri) says:

            I’m pretty sure that happened before she blogged about Shepard Smith throwing up into a wastebasket in the middle of the newsroom.

            It wasn’t a big secret what happened, because he was on the air when it went down and he addressed it on his evening show. What killed things for her was the snarky, bitchy way she blogged about it. Also, I think the only reason she was going to be on his show was because of her pal, Courtney Friel.

          • Sacred Scrapbooks says:

            Gutfeld talked about this on air — that’s where the name Mulia Mallison comes from. She skipped a tapping without calling, then claimed her flight was delayed. For some reason (haha!), she wasn’t believed and calls were made and the flight was on time and she was picked up by the limo on time and then a friend of Gutfeld’s saw her out on the town in NYC that night.

            Notice that no one she worked with or for is listed in her name brags?

      • mcakez: We Need to Talk About Devin says:

        Heh. I was going for a play on ‘strong contact’ meaning ‘man handled by muscle guard’ (DO YOU SEE WHAT I DID THERE?AREN’T I CLEVER? Parentheses yay!)

        I was way too baked to make it sound the good, though. It was Julia-level articulatenessosity.

  43. mcakez: We Need to Talk About Devin says:

    Ahem. Dr. G., LeFoo, The Manta, fig, KS, SS, HollyO, the many people I am forgetting: I think this calls for an old skool “Drunken Skype Dramatic Reading” session.

    • MY TML Weekly says:

      Oh dear gawd – I have seen this referenced before and yes, please. A question I never thought I would ask: can I watch.

      • mcakez: We Need to Talk About Devin says:

        Pervert.

      • Nosferatu-tu says:

        OMGreg! Me too! I’m on the other side of the world and I don’t care if I have to stay up all night; dammit I want me some drunken, melodramatic reading!!!

        p.s. In her plans for her book tour, she says she will do readings of her book! bwahahaha! I’d love a group of catladies/gents to attend one and all start donkey braying at her!

    • Blowjobs by Bravo says:

      With puppets?

    • Who do you think you are? says:

      We need Michael Shannon for this.

      • Dr. Gary says:

        Michael Shannon is my spirit animal.

      • mcakez: We Need to Talk About Devin says:

        I bet Julia could get him with one of her many, many esteemed contacts.

        When I read portions of the proposal to brah, he said it sounded like Smoove B. I must therefore emulate Smoove B. in my dramatic renditions of this most finest of proposals, but not that kind of proposal, player.

    • bitchface says:

      HollyO?

  44. Whining Poofy Bore says:

    Why does this make me so mad? “Learn self-defense. Try it out on someone menacing.” Good fuck, woman. If you’ve ever been assaulted or followed or menaced or raped … THIS IS NOT A GODDAMNED JOKE. Or something that leads to “happiness.”

  45. Whining Poofy Bore says:

    LOL: nude boudoir shoot ranks harder than healing from her grandmother’s death. What an asshole.

  46. Brianna says:

    This whole thing reads like a Highschool Sr project for the non-accelerated English classes ‘My Future Career’, where they’re trying to encourage the non-motivated to think big and imagine what they could achieve!

    All these “I know, I own, I will, there will be a feature film!” projections cannot possibly be taken seriously, right? Right? Because they totally read like the aspirational ‘dream big’ ramblings of a 17 year old who decided they wanted to be a writer because ‘like, book tours would be totally fun and my book cover would be, like, totally inspirational, and I’ll set up my writing desk with fresh flowers like in that Bridget Jones scene in the book and write on a MacBook Air and drink wine at lunch like a fancy lady!’

  47. Reeks of desperate tutus says:

    Several questions & observations about halfway through, lord knows if I’ll ever finish it.

    (1) Where is the chapter called Bad Things I’ve Done and What I Learned from Them.
    (2) Super important, and this concerns me. I word searched the whole thing. It’s nearly inconceivable, but I appear not to have been rung. Hippie grifters don’t wear tutus?
    (3) I was actually starting to think she was gone forever. Why can’t I hit the learn button? I’m sorry cat ladies. I’m sorry I ever doubted.
    (4) She’s back to wanting to adopt a superfun old person to do charity on them. For her book. Gross beyond all words.

  48. Whining Poofy Bore says:

    “There is no media outlet I will turn down.” NO KIDDING, SISTER.

  49. SchadenfreudianSlip says:

    I don’t know if anyone here knows what Fire Joe Morgan is/was. It was a hysterical sports site where the writers would take a sports article that they found absolutely horrendous or absurd, and then pick it apart, often sentence by sentence, providing interspersed commentary mocking the subject article. They would print a sentence or paragraph in bold and then they would provide their comments about what was printed, then they’d go to the next sentence/paragraph and so on. It was often vicious but always laugh out loud funny.

    Any time a really horrendous piece of crap was printed somewhere prominent, fans of the site would call for the FJM treatment.

    The founders/writers wrote under pseudonyms but eventually they revealed who they were, former Harvard Lampooners, two of whom write for Parks & Rec and a third who writes for Workaholics. They are all well known and respected TV writers.

    Anyway, that long introduction aside, I was just reading through pages 22 and 23 and it occurred to me how this entire thing, all 81 pages, would make for the best FJM treatment imaginable. And so many of the cat peeps here could do a great job of replicating the level of intellect and humor. The problem is there’s too much. Literally every page deserves the FJM treatment. Every single page.

  50. Sacred Scrapbooks says:

    I hope she’s not in a rush to buy an outfit to wear on Charlie Rose.

  51. Jen says:

    Julia does thing sometimes that’s basically an attempt to mimic authenticity.

    For example, I’m reading through the sample chapter–her confessions about how lonely and unhappy she was and how desperately she tried to project otherwise–and all of it sort of sounds honest. Though her writing is mediocre, it DOES sound like a person making real progress with themselves and making real insights.

    BUT if any of that progress had actually been made her behavior would be entirely and completely different. It was only a scant four months ago that we were treated to her ridiculous Europe photoshoots. And only a week since she brought her fake NBC mic to fashion week. And there’s the delusion of this book proposal itself. She’s just as nut as ever, and she is nuts in exactly the same ways. Where’s the growth???

    • cupcake cray cray says:

      THIS. I am currently in the throes of some serious depression and life-evaluation, and often I feel the way that julia depicts in this piece of schlock–and I am only 9 months younger than the donkey, and I don’t think I am the only person my age going through this. had I never heard of julia allison and known what a dick she is, I might have been taken in by her writing. so…it’s scary what a sociopath she is, that she is ABLE to mimic real human behavior, but without ever exhibiting any personal growth or honest introspection. I’m truly scared that people can LEARN to mimic these behaviors, because that means that I’m probably a month away from sending some poor nigerian princess with a sob story the remainder of my 401k. it terrifies me that people like this exist, and walk among us…and are facebook friends with my least-favorite-cousin’s-wife.

      • Devin Stetler 's Healing Personal Pan Pizzas™ says:

        I’m right there with ya… my catalyst seems to be losing a parent totally unexpectedly. I’m trying to see this hard time as an opportunity to kind of redefine what’s important for me and also to not take time/people/love for granted. Just wanted to let you know you’re not alone.

  52. Devin's Shiny Crocs (Base Model Edition says:

    “Nursing home volunteer / adopt an awesome senior”

    W.T.F. For so many reasons. My head just exploded. I am not going to make it further than page 14.

    • Whining Poofy Bore says:

      I have trudged through to page 30. How can it go on for 51 more pages? How? “Brief Experiments in Unhappiness: Skimming 30 Pages of this Nonsensical Slop.”

    • cupcake cray cray says:

      I read up through page 17, and I skimmed up to page 33, and I don’t think I have the will to go on.

      you know who’s an awesome senior, julia? EVERY FUCKING SENIOR. they all have stories to tell. you just have to be a good enough person to be able to sit and listen to them without interjecting “omg, that’s EXACTLY LIKE this time that my boyfriend, justin, dumped me because I let my parents crash in his one-bedroom apartment.” as someone who lost her last grandparent at 21, I seriously give a giant, waving, shit-covered middle finger to you, julia allison baugher. you are such a fucking navel-gazing cunt that it is beyond my understanding. I almost HOPE that some stupid publishing house picks up this pathetic book proposal, because I would LOVE for the basement to become even more full of hater-kitties. julia, you’re an asshole. you’re an embarrassment to our generation, and that is saying A WHOLE FUCKING LOT. please fuck off. thank you.

      love,
      xoCupcakeCrayCray

      • cupcake cray cray says:

        p.s. I am drank on local (virginia) wine. I moved here (DC metro area) a little over a year ago from the northeast, and everyone I’ve met says the local wine is awful, and I’m like…really? I guess I am just a total suburban plebe, cause I think this one particular winery (barboursville) churns out some pretty damn good wine. or is this just a symptom of the DC metro attitude of being more educated/better than everyone else? in that case, please excuse me and my pathetic taste buds and bachelor’s degree. I hope to one day have a master’s degree, I hope you all will accept me then.

        • cupcake cray cray says:

          um, err, oops, I meant a little over TWO years ago. yah, I am really drank. sorry.

        • Prof. F Camping says:

          nah, cupcake, i’ve had some good virginia wines. there’s a bunch of catladies in DC area (including me, but only for a few more weeks!)

        • frequent liar miles says:

          But was it a chewy red, as extolled by your fellow Virginian, KERF? Speaking of which, where is AFF? He seems to be absent from this Donkey Fireworks extravaganza/climax (thanks, brillante catlady for oh-so-apt metaphor for the Donkey show), and he is really missing out.

          • Albie Quirky says:

            Yes! Is it desk errands? This is right in his wheelhouse. Someone lash some caulk into the shape of a tiger and send up the AFFSignal!

          • MY TML Weekly says:

            Agreed! I am worried he is being held somewhere against his will, gazing out of north facing windows with nothing better to do than judge the caulk and drapery.

          • Rubble In My Soul says:

            These made me LOL4dayz.

    • Tingolayo says:

      She is SUCH an asshole. Does she think you can just waltz into a nursing home ( which is someone’s HOME, after all, and be like “I’m here to brighten your day”? The staff there are background-checked and medically trained.

      People are being bathed, toileted, changed, sitting with their hospital gowns open… go the fuck away, Donkey. They are not props to make you feel “happiness.”

      How about helping a senior to mow their lawn, run errands, play chess, change their furnace filter? Oh, that’s right. Lazy donkey is lazy.

      • OMGPearskank says:

        Didn’t she once, possibly in the early Toilet Julia days, post this mightily cunty tweet complaining about nursing home staff not jumping at the opportunity to take on some random first-time caller as a volunteer and let her loose on the residents?
        I couldn’t find it but I am pretty sure that, or something very similar, happened.
        I’m amazed that she really took every inane idea she’s ever had or heard someone else have and decided the all had to go into the Thing.

    • SURROUNDED BY BOOKS BECAUSE I AM AN AUTHOR WITH BOOKS says:

      What a patronizing, matronly cunt she is.

      • Everything's Coming Up Dadsters says:

        It’s clear she has no idea how to make a human connection. “Seniors are awesome!” She’s picturing a room full of Betty Whites. Seniors are humans, Julia. Not pets to be used for amusement and then forgotten about, like a certain dog we all know.

  53. Whining Poofy Bore says:

    “I executive produced & starred in 120+ episodes of a Next New Networks production of TML Weekly ….”: Ummm, TMI Weekly? TMI Weakly? I’m so weak.

  54. Dawn Kiebals: Heeling Kook ❤ Devin Stetler: Healing Cook says:

    Once again:

    5.SOCIAL MEDIA
    a.Twitter – over 200,000 followers on@juliaallison & 5,000 on @julia
    b.Facebook – over 72,000 fans
    c.YouTube channel – total views approx. 1,600,000

    LinkedIn, which IMHO gives a good indication of how well someone works with others and how well someone is connected in their industry because YOU CANNOT BUY FOLLOWERS: 118 people

  55. frequent liar miles says:

    At least she got Spanish Inquisition right this round (thanks to us … though she never reads here.) So, learn button hit, I guess.

  56. Dawn Kiebals: Heeling Kook ❤ Devin Stetler: Healing Cook says:

    Page 68: But I also had a first date that evening, with a young man I had never met before.

    If by “first date” and “never met before” she means “Hired to work for me on my website”.

    • Candy Corn Travesty says:

      “Young man.” She just can’t help herself.

    • Dawn Kiebals: Heeling Kook ❤ Devin Stetler: Healing Cook says:

      shutting down my FB & Twitter for a 6 month Total Social Media Detox (by far the most treacherous experiment in history of mankind)

      3 months off FB + same 3 months off Twitter = Legalese.

    • JFA says:

      OMG. She’s still trotting out that completely ordinary “I got a boyfriend one day, aren’t I special” bullcrap story. Tell me she mentions dead granny too.

  57. Candy Corn Travesty says:

    Think her parents have read this?

  58. virgil reid says:

    “In addition to the celebrities we’ll have on the YouTube series and tv show, we will secure dozens of paparazzi photographs with various celebs, from Ashton Kutcher to MC Hammer to Ashley Tisdale to Brandi Glanvile to(possibly) Richard Branson holding Experiments in Happiness (aka TheSkinny Bitch effect). Please see list of agent’s other clients for sure bets, in ADDITION to other prominent celebrities with whom I have connections.”

    the person who summed up this proposal with the fireworks analogy was spot on. it feels like it was absolute destiny to endure the last few years of burning man cottage cheese butt checks if only for the big majestic spectacular show of FINALLY getting some insight into how much of a self aggrandizing lunatic she truly is.

  59. Candy Corn Travesty says:

    I didn’t realize Julia’s first job was as a receptionist at Fortress, a giant hedge fundin New York. If she wanted was to marry rich, she really had herself positioned well to do so. Amazing that she can screw everything up.

  60. The Artist Formerly Known as Random Snowflake says:

    Page 8. Goddamn Liar.

    “shutting down my FB & Twitter for a 6 month Total Social Media Detox (by far the most treacherous experiment in history of mankind)”

    Is she counting on 6 months having passed by the time it goes to print? As if any publisher will publish this drivel?

    Julie: Use fucking Lulu.com for your mediocre and semi-readable shit, like I do. They even let you make hardcovers.

    • The Artist Formerly Known as Random Snowflake says:

      Bold fail. Forgive me. 🙁

    • The Artist Formerly Known as Random Snowflake says:

      And, okay.. I tried, I really did..

      But I just can’t read past page 8 that prompted this comment. My time is too valuable. I have beer drinking and YouTube video watching to do. Sorry, Julie.

    • JFA says:

      She probably needed six months to write this piece of crap. Hasn’t she been working on this since Elle got canned after 5 seconds? This is what she’s been working on. For like years. Ponder that.

  61. Devin Stetler 's Healing Personal Pan Pizzas™ says:

    For people in the book biz, how much will her promises/media contacts/”tv show that Randi might produce,” 500,000 contacts in her email list – be vetted?

    • Sacred Scrapbooks says:

      Given that many editors read Gawker back in the day, I’d say no vetting will be needed.

    • The Artist Formerly Known as Random Snowflake says:

      (Not in the Book biz) But, I would think that if her book was awesome the vetting would be slim.. But since it clearly sucks, there might be some vetting.. But I would think only if they’re interested. So yeah, there may be no vetting (or book deal).

      But, I think that no amount of name dropping can save a lousy book. People at publishing houses are accustomed to reading books, and they probably know a lousy book when they read the first chapter. The names dropped can’t fix this. And Tim Ferriss: Please, did you even read any of it?

      And the “template” she used looks like the standard Lulu.com template with a font change. Why doesn’t Donk just pony up the $300 bucks to get an ISBN number and self-publish? Or is that not prestigious enough for our Donkey?

      • Dichotomy Trope (Queen Neferteeri) says:

        I think it would be seriously vetted — and fact-checked — if any publisher really considered buying it.

        • The Artist Formerly Known as Random Snowflake says:

          You might be right.. I would imagine there might be potential liabilities if it wasn’t fact-checked, at least a little..

  62. Norse Horse says:

    Oh God, bunnies. Thank you for this trove, but my brain, heart and genitals are aching after wading through all her bullshit. Oh . My. God, the cray.

    I’m sure this has been mentioned but:

    4.PRE ORDER FRONT-LOADING
    a.Pre-orders are the surest way to achieve and maintain bestseller status,and I take them very seriously! I’ve learned from the best – my friends
    Tim Ferriss, John Romaniello, Ramit Sethi & Gary Vaynerchuk
    , among other NYT bestselling friends – and will follow their intricate pre-orderfront-loading strategies with their direct help. b.With the use of my aggregated email lists with millions of potentialcustomers, major blogs and social media, I will launch a powerfulincentives campaign to targetenough pre-orders to assure best-seller status, offering substantialamounts of my time and variousother prizes to readers in exchangefor bulk orders of the book

    In other words, scamming and cheating with bulk pre-orders to get up on the list. And then presumably, people cancel the pre-order at the last minute. Interesting.

    • Tingolayo says:

      She really is like a little kid playing office. She has never worked an honest day’s work in the real world in her life.

      • The Artist Formerly Known as Random Snowflake says:

        I wish the “Like” button was still here. 🙂

      • princesstutu says:

        I could only skim a few pages, but her repeated claim that “I take such and such seriously”, struck me as the giveaway that she has never worked/actually had to follow through on any major plan in her life. What a sad, sad existence. And she’s been trying to hustle a media career for 10 years now?

      • Blowjobs by Bravo says:

        ‘a little kid playing office’ is perfection. That could be her premise. I can’t wait for the spin from her. That she sent it in to be ‘leaked’ and is really writing a book on internet hate. She will never take accoutability.

    • The Artist Formerly Known as Random Snowflake says:

      There is no fucking way Gary Vaynerchuk is Julia’s “Friend.” He’s a ridiculously busy guy, and may have met her once at a tech conference Julia crashed. Julia needs to stop lying, stat.

      • Prof. F Camping says:

        he was on TMI Weekly once, or some shit.
        and hasn’t Gary Vee been called out for doing this dodgy pre-order front loading tactic?

        • Worrisome Pelts says:

          Gary Vee is not opposed to gaming the system in ways that some might call vile and scammy.

          • Wife Branding says:

            I went from being neutral about Gary V to really hating him. Honestly, he’s a male Julia Allison in a lot of ways.

    • JFA says:

      HOW MANY TIMES DOES SHE NAME DROP FERRISS. He’s such a tool. Everyone knows he’s a tool right? Besides her sadsack circle of griftery “friends” and like, wannabe stockbrokers trying to make their way in the Indiana finance world or whatever. Oh god I can’t. I literally can’t even get through the numbered titles or whatever.

      • JFA says:

        She’s been doing this forever. She takes (bad) ideas from people who are inexplicably successful, and then makes it seem like she actually knows what she is talking about. At least it seems like she stopped name dropping actual game-changy people like Karp. She doesn’t name drop Karp, does she? I imagine he hasn’t returned her calls in quite some time.

        • Albie Quirky says:

          She namedrops Karp.

          • JFA says:

            Jesus. I’d bet so much money they haven’t been fucking friends for years. She is so sad. I’m surprised she doesn’t name drop that fucking guy she went to college with and was always bragging about who was obviously using her a booty call who like, works for CNN now or something? I can’t be arsed to even care to look him up. She was always doing a titty thrust in every pic of him. That was her “cleavage phase. Marquedt or something?

          • JFA says:

            Honestly I’m surprised she doesn’t name check Lodwick at this point. Or would that violate the restraining order?

          • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

            Alexander Marquardt? The guy whom she loudly rage-banged on someone’s couch in NYC, or some such shit?

            LOL — maybe this whole book proposal is just one big pinkmail extortion attempt — how many dudes like him & FlapJack are currently cringing that D0nk is about to release D0nk to a wider audience, & name their names in the process?

            She probably put her proposal on scribd herself.

      • Who do you think you are? says:

        Not everyone knows he’s a tool. I’ve met people who know of his books/are considering reading them, but know nothing about him. I then set them straight with the public rape joke story.

        Also, per Lasagna, I thought no one is taking her calls anymore? All this name dropping is pathetic.

        • Dichotomy Trope (Queen Neferteeri) says:

          Typical Donkey MO: Say anything to get what she wants, then worry about making it true later. Maybe.

        • mcakez: We Need to Talk About Devin says:

          The rape joke was Tucker Max. I know, I get them confused, too. Ferris is just kind of high on his own funk and very Type-A. Max is an actual sociopath, and an exceptionally vile one.

        • JFA says:

          I don’t know, I know it was a best seller the “4 hour work week” bullshit book, but I”m assuming most people who have half a brain realize it’s a total gimmick and complete schlock. I don’t know a single person who read it though, which tells me something.

  63. Dyspeptic says:

    Holy shit. She thinks her book will start a movement. A movement!

    There are, finally, no words.

  64. How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

    If Fake Boyfriend Devin Stetler, Healing Cook, ever expects to make a dime off of his fake relationship w/ Julia Allison, the thing for him to do would be to write his very own tell-all book about the beast.

    Like Lasagna probably still could do, up to a point*.

    *up to the point when she was replaced w/ the latest permutation of lapdog

  65. Donkey's Anger Farts says:

    Thirty seven.

    Thirty fucking seven footnotes. Jesus titty-fucking Christ.

    Learn how to write and you won’t need thirty fucking seven footnotes.

    • The Ghost of Boyfriends Yet to Come says:

      But, but, David Foster Wallace used hundreds of footnotes! It’s what good writers do. Now, don’t you have some errands to run?

    • countmeindaisy says:

      You had me at “Jesus titty-fucking Christ”.

  66. JFA says:

    Alright I got as far as “Best selling book tour” or whatever and immediately had to come here and mock it. This thread is already ineffable and will go down in history as one of my favorite posts/threads ever, and I’m like 4 comments in. This is a feast of wonderful.

    My god. This woman will never stop. It frightens me to think of where she will be in ten years. You think it can’t get any worse and she outdoes even herself. I’m so embarrassed for her. I cannot believe not one person in her life told her what absolute garbage this is.

    Oh honey. When you had a reality show that was on for three seconds and the three blogs that even deigned to mention it only did so because they found you hideously frightening, maybe it’s time to stop dropping that brag/bomb. Give it up.

    How many people on her “Here are the z-list famous people I know” do you think are hiding under a desk right now to be associated with her? That’s IF they even pay her any attention, which I’m doubting. I’m sorry to be crass but how many times did she have to suck that “4 Hour Work Week” troll’s cock before she was allowed to use his name publicly. God I just almost barfed just writing that.

  67. How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

    Hey, D0nkey!

    [img]http://i1.ytimg.com/vi/TD2nTB0Q7m8/hqdefault.jpg[/img]

    That phone you don’t hear ringing?
    It’s every one of those publishers,
    not calling your braying ass back!

  68. Tribune Slingbacks says:

    What is a phd? She can’t possibly mean Ph.D.

    • By the Grace of Greg says:

      I know. That was driving me nuts. And she writes “phd” like 5 times in the next paragraph.

  69. How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

    Has anyone else noticed what is inexplicably missing from Julia Allison’s book proposal?

    In all of her meMeME!!! sales pitch, she never mentions SONY, or Justin Timberlake, etc. I wonder if SONY banned her from ever again associating herself w/ their product.

    • pearipathetic donkey says:

      good catch

    • MY TML Weekly says:

      Also missing: Andy Cohen

      • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

        Julia Allison doesn’t need Andy Cohen! Julia Allison is going to (possibly) have Richard Branson holding Experiments in Happiness!

        Please see list of agent’s other clients for “sure bets”, in ADDITION to other prominent celebrities with whom Julia Allison, by transitive property & wishful thinking, has “connections”.

        • Prof. F Camping says:

          SO SMUG. SO SIX YEARS AGO.

          [img]http://photos.juliaallison.com/Images/Julia%20Allison%20Richard%20Branson%20Time%20100.jpg[/img]

      • mcakez: We Need to Talk About Devin says:

        Pretty sure she does say she will appear on and has connections at WWHL. Not Sir Andy by name, but the show yes.

    • Jacy says:

      Very good catch. Wonder what happened there?

  70. Tribune Slingbacks says:

    I’m 10 pages in and the Cankleshausen is overpowering. It’s so sad. She thinks she wants “happiness” and that she can get it by doing increasingly zany things, but what she really wants is contentment, which she could only get by respecting herself and being mindful about her choices.

    Or am I giving her too much credit?

  71. Bunsy says:

    I skimmed this up to about page 14 and had to stop. It gave me a headache. (I have a headache now, just trying to type this.)

    On a more positive note, I had a nice chat with a fellow RBD reader, she is working on a (real, actual, cool) book proposal… and I shared some advice with her. Hopefully, I could help a bit.

    That old-timey, typing with an old typewriter, but not really…. typeface got on my nerves. The whole thing is just so damn twee. And doesn’t make any sense.

    • Blowjobs by Bravo says:

      You are the best. Thank You!

      • Nosferatu-tu says:

        You two make me happy. Happiness really can be that simple: seeing you two connect in the last couple of days, and support the other and share experiences to help each other, that makes me happy!

        • Blowjobs by Bravo says:

          That is so sweet and kind of you to say. I cannot even begin to tell you all how amazing this page has been for me during a really challenging time in my life and to connect with someone outside the page was great. But to connect with someone so amazing-unreal. I’ve always known there were some brilliant people behind the entertaining/funny/snarky names and comments, but never would have imagined such an accomplished and generous soul offering help and guidance. The word ‘blessed’ is often over used or misused but the only word that truly seems fitting for this situation.

  72. Princess WideStance says:

    This is, in a weird way, a reflection of her life’s work.

    Her life’s work has been to barge her way into various social circles and glean as much of other people’s ideas as her tiny brain can fathom.

    This is all she’s got. This is everything. Warped, inverted, kaleidoscopic. And it is quite a sight to behold.

  73. Tribune Slingbacks says:

    “When I left NY to film the BRAVO show, I stopped blogging – still, my audience is clamoring for me to blog again…”

    Yes, we have been!

    “…and I’ve been biding my time for the right moment to rebrand with energy & enthusiasm.”

    Is that a promise?

    • Worrisome Pelts says:

      She left New York to film the Bravo show? This will news to Raul, given that she lived in the Downtown Comdo Nursery for Functionally Impaired Twatwaffles for year or so between NYC and LA. #Indiana #NevarForget

      • Psychtic Today says:

        She said she was voluntarily homeless for 14 months after leaving NY. It is to laugh.

        • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

          home·less
          ˈhōmlis/
          the state or condition of having no stall of your own on which to hang pink tutus

        • Tingolayo says:

          Of all the offensive things she says, this offends me so much. Crashing with fun friends in their cool apartments– to which you travel via commercial jet– is not homelessness.

          Tell you what, Princess– there’s a woman who drags around an old suitcase and sleeps in the park and hasn’t worn clean clothes in weeks. We’re trying to get her to make use of local services but she’s given up hope. Come here and tell her that it’s all just a glorious adventure. Tell her that you’ve been homeless, too, and that you can get used to the discomfort of sleeping on Pottery Barn sofas because there’s always brunch at Baltazar the next morning.

          Maybe this woman will have been raped or killed or will have died of exposure or suicide before you can bring her an expired Houston’s coupon and your old Hello Kitty parka (oh wait, you’re still wearing that.)

          THIS is why we loathe and mock you– you have zero awareness of the world and of yourself, yet you think that drawing smiley faces and wearing pink hearts makes you a kind, loving, “peace, man” type of person.

          Get a job, do some work, become involved in something bigger than yourself. A luxury vacation disguised as “exploring the world” doesn’t count. Co-opting other cultures for costume parties and drug trips doesn’t count.

          • (Appropriating “Troll Dick”…)

            Yeah, that bothers me, too. But I know that it’s at least a little bit because my current situation is so close to being homeless (when you’re researching how to get into a shelter and calling social services to ask “is it REALLY as bad as they say?” that’s a completely different animal than calling up a friend in San Francisco and asking to crash on their couch for few days…).

            It bugs me in general when people use words like “homeless” or “starving” or “poor” or “broke” when they are not even close to any of those things. The average person I can offer a bit of lenience. Julia, I cannot. She is vile.

            That is all. 😉

      • Braying Lady Crony says:

        ‘Functionally Impaired Twatwaffles’ needs to be a username.

        ::Dead::

    • Whining Poofy Bore says:

      Don’t threaten me with a good time!

  74. Norse Horse says:

    “All of this to see whether it is possible to actually move toward the thing we all
    want most in life: a rent-controlled penthouse in Manhattan with a massage
    therapist, personal chef and an unlimited gift card to Whole Foods happiness.”

    Bitch, just..no. No. There was a strike-through in a lot of this para that didn’t survive pasting, meant to indicate “ha ha just kidding”. But she’s not kidding at all. She really wants to be Carrie Bradshaw, pathetically. There is no such thing in Manhattan as a “rent-controlled penthouse” unless your family has lived there for fifty years and it is still a rental building, which is extremely rare. Stupid bitch.

    Anyway: even though I haven’t fully waded through all of this document of madness, where the English language is brutally murdered by a serial killer again and again: I will say in her peanut brain she’s clever. In that, for non-fiction, publishers demand a “platform” these days. A guaranteed audience, a public presence. Julia rather strenuously and laughably overdoes it (do you think all those people she listed as pals and allies consented or were even asked?) and as badly written as it is, she’s telling them what they want to hear. That she’ll do all the publicity work, has contacts in media, etc.

    But this whole “RV Happiness Tour” thing? I call bullshit. If she or her agent (and does this guy know he’s her agent? Sterling Lord Lit. is actually pretty prestigious, or used to be) manage to sell this book, she’ll be demanding drivers and plane fare and nice hotel rooms. She’s playing humble here, but because she is a pig, if this gets going, she’ll want more. The idea of Julia driving in an RV cross-country is laughable.

    • Norse Horse says:

      Ack! “Bold” close-tag fail, please forgive. SS,SF.

    • JFA says:

      Like, why would one need a rent-controlled penthouse if they could afford a personal chef? Um…most rich people don’t worry about rent. You’d know that if you actually had a job and didn’t blow through your trust fund.

    • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

      What I find hilarious is how hard she worked on her formulaic, built-in “success” G.U.A.R.A.N.T.E.E.D. sales pitch, & yet, she put no effort into actual writing.

      Reason being: if she somehow got green-lighted to go through w/ this farce, right then & there is where she stops working — when something, anything remotely resembling being on anyone else’s schedule is ahoof, all bets are off w/ D0nkey — somehow, she exists in a fantasy world solely for the purpose of not even living up to her own expectations, much less anyone else’s.

    • Albie Quirky says:

      Yes, the platform thing is a thing one does in a real book proposal, but Julie’s platform here is as fake and stinky and ill-advised as the platforms she wore to Fashion Week.

      Both go nicely with a stolen microphone flag, though.

  75. JFA says:

    Like I knew she was dumb but…this is like beyond the pale. I’m totally not kidding, do we know if she is at all mentally disabled?

  76. How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

    I’ve noticed elsewhere that people say the sample chapter(s) make them feel sorry for Donkey …

    “The oddest emotion came over me when the flight took off about an hour ago”

    The above is found pretty far down in a sample chapter, which would lead one to believe that Julia Allison just tapped this out, off the top of her head. No, she did not. Her own writing these days / years is for shit, as is evidenced by the whole of her “runaway bestseller” book proposal.

    RE: those chapters — did she commandeer an auditioning ghostwriter’s work?

  77. I Like Colors (Bright) and Rainbows says:

    I haven’t commented here in soooooooo long but this is really batshit. I mean, da fuq did I just read.

  78. I Like Colors (Bright) and Rainbows says:

    This is what it sounded like:

    Hibbity hobbity cankle sparkles cat bat rat (haha rhymes! rhyme tyme!) happy smile plane me ASHTON KUTCHER swamp people bloop bloop be doop HONK HONK.

  79. countmeindaisy says:

    Dear. Fucking. God.

    Alright, lemme get this straight. She was gone off social media for a supposed six months? Hmmm? I recall it being about six WEEKS, if that. Twatter permanetly deletes you after a month of deactivation, am I correct here? Facebook may have been gone a scant bit longer, but as I recall, Pinterest counts as social media, and she WAS active there. Shutting down means shutting down, and not reactivating the account because you’re afraid of deletion. Digital detox my alabaster ass.

    As for the rest of this, uh, where did she learn how to write? It took me four years to finish a novel, and it’s taking me months to revise it and actually breathe life into certain characters. I’ve taken several creative writing classes and aced them. If I sounded even halfway as bad in my prose as she does in her “proposal”, I’d certainly not be querying for publication, let alone letting anyone besides myself read it. Ever. I’m already ashamed to be associated with the likes of Cassandra Clare because I did fanfiction first, now we have to add THIS idiot to the ranks?

    Donkey, I hope you know that the rest of us who actually take our craft seriously? Are either laughing our asses off at you, or shaking our heads in pure disgust. Get a fucking job and stop pretending to be a “serious writer!”.

  80. countmeindaisy says:

    Since we all know Donk reads over this blog daily, running commentary of “proposal”, for as long as I can stand to read what I can only describe as mindless drivel and a thinly veiled attempt at pulling the wool over the eyes of anyone who might read this blog. Forewarning, I may be reduced to typing in all caps, cursing fluently in more than one language, and being exceptionally offensive to people other than Donk, without meaning to. I apologize in advance.

    THERAPY. I’ll believe that when me shite turns green and tastes like rainbow sherbet. If your dumb ass went through therapy and came out even worse, you’re either in need of a permanent stay on the funny farm, OR, the more likely option, you’re lying. Again.

    If you got a colonic, dear–okay, nope, that’s too bitchy, even for me.

    I bet you got a tiara tattooed somewhere you can’t show anyone. Educated guess.

    Homeless by choice. Does anyone here buy that? Anyone? Because I sure as hell do not, NOBODY is homeless by choice. NOBODY. I’ll give you a few reasons why. 1.) PRIVACY. 2.) Friends get tired of your shit very quickly. 3.) House guests are like fish, after four days, they both start to stink. 4.) Unless you actually lived in an honest to God homeless shelter for a week, and then a cardboard box for another week, without showering, you have no idea what true homelessness is.

    Adopt an awesome senior. Really. YOU COULDN’T EVEN HANDLE BEING A PET PARENT, FOR FUCK’S SAKE. Alright, let’s say for example you cared about any other living thing aside from yourself. Where is Lilly. Whose care is she in. Because it’s obviously not YOUR care. I can’t stand to leave my dog with anyone other than my family, people she is used to–in OUR home by the way–for more than a few hours to go to work, or on the rare occasion to go out with friends. I sobbed the two times that I actually allowed a professional to groom her, because I had to leave her with strangers for more than five minutes. Do you know why this is? Because I care about my pet, to the point that she is like my child as I currently do not have children. I want you to think about that, I care about her so much that I vet her caretakers almost obsessively before I will allow her to be out of my sight for more than five minutes. You couldn’t be bothered to properly care for your pet. NOBODY IN THEIR RIGHT MIND IS GOING TO TRUST YOU WITH A SENIOR CITIZEN WHO RESIDES IN A NURSING HOME!

    Hospice grief training, that’s actually an effort to be applauded. If it were genuine, that is, because I sincerely believe that you are incapable of caring about anyone else other than yourself, and it’s a condition like to refer to as anal cranium retention.

    WTF a JUICE CLEANSE? Wow, way to wreck your entire metabolism. You go do that, and when you pass out and have to be in the hospital for dehydration (thanks to the massive bouts of swampass you are courting), I’m going to laugh at you for being stupid.

    Re-imagine holiday celebrations. Donkey-speak for “make them all about ME!”

    Happiness RV. Just purchased. Was it with your own money, dear? I suspect not. So it’s not YOUR happiness RV (regardless of whose name is on the title), it is your PARENTS happiness RV. Those of us who have spent the majority of our lives not depending on mommy and daddy for everything would like to give you a big middle finger for being a moocher.

    Silent retreat. We could dream of being so lucky. I already pity the other people at said retreat, because there will be blood if a donkey can’t bray.

    Visit the sacred temples of Damanhur in Italy. Philosophical question, here. If a donkey is allowed to roam free in sacred temples, are they still considered sacred after? I know cattle are sacred in some cultures, but I just can’t seem to come up with one that considers a jackass to be sacred. Would THIS visit be on dadser’s dime as well?

    For the love of–OKAY. WE GET IT. YA WENT TO GEORGETOWN, DO YOU WANT A COOKIE FOR THAT? You don’t have to remind us all every five seconds that it’s your alma mater, believe me, we remember. As do they, and I’d wager they aren’t fond memories, either. As for speaking about sex there, I think we can all agree that nobody wants to hear anymore sordid details of your sexual escapades. Unless you plan to name off how many venereal diseases you contracted/spread while you were at Georgetown, in which case, tell me more. I need material for a novel.

    Create an exhibit about online hate and bullying. Can you say “hypocrite”?

    Start a dance party in the middle of Times Square. If you can manage to do that without hiring a group of–okay, time to dial it back Satan, that’s too bitchy, even for me.

    I’m not even going to touch the Disney Princess Marathon. Other than to say that I’m sure more than a few of the other participants will be threatening to shove that tiara where the sun don’t shine within the first five minutes.

    Live in Malaysia for a month. In Donkey time, that’s a week, and you’ll be lucky to last two days without all your “necessities”.

    Get married, have multiple weddings to see which makes you happiest. I hate to tell break it to you, o brainless Donk, but you’re not a big enough celebrity to afford that kind of extravagance, or for anyone to give two flying fucks about it.

    Alright, I give, I just cannot with the rest of this. I feel my IQ shrinking with each passing sentence. Who edited this festering pile of excrement? Because whomever did so failed, and failed hard.

    • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

      Adopt an awesome senior.

      Apparently Julia Allison’s maternal grandfather, whose own memorial service she skipped out on, was decidedly not awesome — Julia Allison chose instead to strut around ComiCon in Wonder Woman dragstume, being filmed by a videographer hired by none other than Julia Allison, to commemorate that special day in the life of Julia Allison.

      Fauxtoshoots of Julia Allison really are awesome though — just ask Julia Allison.

      • countmeindaisy says:

        You know what real people do for awesome seniors? We take care of them, so they don’t HAVE TO GO INTO A NURSING HOME. Wait, I forgot, the majority of us don’t suffer from anal cranium retention.

        God, does this woman have a heart? She skipped out on her grandfather’s memorial? I had to bow out of my stepmother’s funeral in December because I was so sick–and had cried so hard–that I couldn’t stand up. My father had to make me leave, I was that determined to be there to pay my respects. To me, there is nothing more heartless, cruel, and disrespectful to your family than to skip a service honoring a dead relative. Especially for something that pretentious and self centered. I really, really hope she doesn’t spawn.

    • Dichotomy Trope (Queen Neferteeri) says:

      Start a dance party in the middle of Times Square. If you can manage to do that without hiring a group of–okay, time to dial it back Satan, that’s too bitchy, even for me.

      Anyone else remember the lipdub/dance video in Times Square that Donkey, MareMare, Pointy, and ZUCKERBERGsister did a few years back?

  81. Fameless Shamewhore says:

    Here’s a hilarious excerpt:

    “After years of being indoctrinated into the Protestant work ethic, I proudly wore a workaholic badge…”

    lolololololol

    • Nickelodeon Chic says:

      Julia Allison is the opposite of what Max Weber was talking about.

    • By the Grace of Greg says:

      Her example of being a workaholic is emailing someone with a youtube video “emergency” on a Saturday. Girl, yelling at someone else to do more work does not make *you* a workaholic. It makes you a high-maintenance narcissist that people don’t want to work with.

    • JFA says:

      OMG what a fucking idiot. Like she really thinks she is fooling anyone with google that she is a lazy fucktard? Has she EVER had a job for more than a year? Canned from Star or whatever rag she worked for…canned from writing her TMS articles (Which really isn’t a “job”), canned from Bravo when her show got canceled. Seriously, she has never, ever held on to any job, ever, even the few she’s had since birth. She really fancies herself a hard worker. It’s amazing.

  82. Greg'sWife (literally) aka DirtyLakeMichigan says:

    I have to say I am THRILLED this has happened. The spark is back, the snark is back, the wit is sharp. It’s like watching a transformer blow and there are electricity sparks all over the place.
    Welcome back kitties.

  83. Whining Poofy Bore says:

    In one of the chapters, she proposes to spend the summer at home with her parents, asking them deep questions. So, you have summers off? Are you, say, a teacher? You’re not? Are you still in school? You’re not? Oh. Oh.

  84. Whining Poofy Bore says:

    “I would contend that there are many shades on the color wheel.” Oh, I knew I was missing something with my monochromatic color wheel!

  85. Whining Poofy Bore says:

    “EXERCISES WILL INCLUDE: Spending $$ Energetically” Yup, I have an extra $1 million sitting around. Now I’m going to channel all my vibrations congruently to spend it with intention on cupcakes and self-help books and green juices, so … HAPPY. LOL! Happies! (Winky face!)

  86. It floats! It floats! says:

    I have no expectations of Julia but this just blew my mind. I didn’t want her to get the show (oh, sorry, the “documentary” or “series of experiments”) but it ended up working out perfectly. But I really want her to get a book deal. It won’t pay much and then she’ll have to try to deliver on her promises and it will be so terrible that it will be wonderful.

    Anyone else get the feeling that she sent this out to a bunch of people, asking them to proof and give feedback, and not a single person looked at it but they all told her it looked perfect to them?

    • Dichotomy Trope (Queen Neferteeri) says:

      If she gets a book deal, it will be like rewarding her for being a lazy, deceitful, braggart asshole. It will be something prestigious for her to brag about.

      • mcakez: We Need to Talk About Devin says:

        It’s obvious she just plans to recycle a bunch of shit she’s already written/bragged about repeatedly.

        Unless, dear god, bunnies… could this be ‘the queue’?

        • Convenient Feminist says:

          “Unless, dear god, bunnies… could this be ‘the queue’?”

          This comment is criminally underrated.

    • JFA says:

      Yes to the last sentence. I’m sure that happened, and as I say above somewhere, no way did a single person in her life including her parents even finish the damn thing, because no way in hell an attorney and a former speechwriter would not at least correct the grammar errors/typos. Literally not a single person in her life read this thing completely and cared enough to edit it.

  87. Fameless Shamewhore says:

    Page 50, Footnote 24 – we have our own footnote!!! (Btw, I cut and paste – the strange opening words of that first sentence are straight from the manuscript.)

    I have, in fact, You know how people say “Don’t worry! No one is judging you as much as you judge yourself.” Oh boy, were they wrong about this. I’ve been judged for things I didn’t even know could BE wrong with a person. A partial list: My “sausage” fingers. My giant “stumpy, tree trunk”legs. My “cankles.” My enormous calves. My teeth. My “rough, old” face. My “flabby” upper arms.My “raft” ass. Actually, I don’t think there is a single body part they haven’t critiqued exceptmaybe my elbows, but I’m sure they’ll get to those eventually. Beyond my body, they’ve said I’mlazy, I’m a liar, I’m unethical, I’ll never land a man because I can’t cook or keep house (yeah, I’mnot s–ting you, they really said that, apparently it’s still the 1950s), I’m a loser, I’m broke, I’m a mooch, I’m a “moron” and a “horrible” writer. They have called me both frigid and a slut (ah, theold can’t-win-dichotomy trope!) and postulated that I “must be terrible at sex in general.” They have said that I set women back and I’m not a feminist. They call me a hypocrite and a talentlesshack. They tell me to shut up, be quiet, get off the internet and get into therapy. Sometimes, forfun, they compare me to a dude, a drag queen, a transvestite, or – their favorite – a donkey. One just wrote me the other day, “You are a disgrace. You need to reevaluate your life choices.Congrats, I hope you work out your issues soon.” At least we’re on the same page there; I hope I work out my issues, too!

    • Literary agent grammarian says:

      Left out the comments on rudeness cruelty misbehavior lying lying and lying

    • juliaspublicist cried his rhinestone off juliaspublicist says:

      Hey now, I believe I once said she had butter elbows.

    • Tingolayo says:

      So don’t read here, you talentless, unethical mooch. It’s not “bullying” when you seek out your own “hate” site and read it voraciously.

      By whining about “They say I have tree trunk legs” you are taking the wideleg victim stance, and are consciously trying to court the interest of a certain audience– you want people to react to the body snark aspect. But you KNOW that the bodysnark is merely an in-joke among the regulars here. Pick up any magazine, check any news forum, listen in at any public gathering, and you will see people attempt to undermine or dismiss women with ad hominem attacks such as “How could she run the country when she can’t even pick a cute hairstyle?” That is NOT what’s happenimg here. We simply showcase your own behavior and your own words, point out your lies and hypocrisy, and then sometimes laugh at the hundreds of crazy, contorted images of yourself that you post. You pose with your feet miles apart and your mouth gaping open is faux joy– why is that? It looks stupid. It would look stupid on anyone.

      • mcakez: We Need to Talk About Devin says:

        Yep. How many years later and still all she cares about is the attacks against her great beauty. It really is all she sees, or at least all she will admit.

    • Blowjobs by Bravo says:

      That excerpt alone demonstrates we weren’t judging and we were correct. All it did was show every publisher that this page was correct and she is need of medication and therpay. Publishers will be reaching out to the owners of this page offering a book deal, and Julia has only her out of touch with reality self to thank for that one.
      She is lazy, how tough is spell check on something so important? She didn’t want anyone to look it over before sending because she only wants to hear positive things and unwillng to listen to constructive criticism. For instance, run spell check and then set it on fire, may have been what someone who loves and cares for her may have said.

      She is a horrible writer, so much so that someone posted her proposal as a guide for more or less ‘what not to do’ if you want to be taken seriously as a writer. I’m shocked she didn’t print it out on pretty paper and spray it with cheap perfume and send it out to every publisher in town.

      If she actually read here with an ounce of humility, a willingness to be accountable for her previous misgivings, and a true desire for change and happiness then she’d be on to something. The fact that she can only focus on the body snark and is unwilling to critically look at herself and her writing says it all.

  88. MY TML Weekly says:

    CODE RED: Redacted, Pancakes, Prom King, Jordacted, MMBH, and everyone else she has ever fucked or sistered.

    P. 41, outline of chapter 9, exercises

    “The Forgiveness Challenge (Make a list of all the “broken” relationships in your life – anything that is messy or incomplete in any way, even small. One by one, write them letters mending that wound or asking for their forgiveness. Even if they never respond, karmically you’ll feel relief from the weight of that pyschic burden.)

  89. EGuapo says:

    What completely befuddles me is that this pile of radioactive waste was actually picked up by what seems to be a reputable literary agency. How is this possible? Can anyone in the industry enlighten us?

    This seems to be a kick in the genitals to all of those dedicated writers who can only dream of having such an agency represent them.

    What is the world coming to???

    • Dichotomy Trope (Queen Neferteeri) says:

      It’s very likely that she once met this guy a long time ago and he told her that if she ever has a proposal, he’ll take a look at it. That’s how, in Donkeyworld, he became her literary agent. No way in hell does a legit agent send out such a delusional, unfocused, demented proposal — with so many typos. She couldn’t even spell the street where the agency is located! Would an agent send out a proposal with a cover sheet on which his address is misspelled?!

    • JFA says:

      She’s been mentioning her literary agent for at least 2 or 3 years. If anything he probably picked her up when she had a chance to actually make something of herself. From the way she made it sound the agent had been haranguing her forever about writing a book. I used to think it was bullshit but now I’m not sure. In any case, I’m sure they regret ever agreeing to rep her and this strategic relationship will soon be over.

      • Devin Stetler 's Healing Personal Pan Pizzas™ says:

        When he finds out (if he has not) that she went behind his back and sent it out – he’s done with her. Not only is he done with her, he’s demanded the name of every publisher she sent it to, so he can call up and apologize.

        And I’m sure he’s found out – if I sent a script around to executive producers that was a manic fucking mess like this and it had SO OBVIOUSLY NOT BEEN SENT BY MY AGENT – my agent would be tipped within a day of anyone reading it.

      • Dichotomy Trope (Queen Neferteeri) says:

        I’m pretty sure that agents don’t agree to represent people until they present an actual proposal, not just a promise to cough one up one day. Of course, there would be exceptions for super famous types, which excludes Donkey. Even at her peak, she wasn’t notable enough for that.

        • countmeindaisy says:

          They don’t. They won’t agree to represent anyone without a query, and half the time if they don’t like it, you don’t get a reason why or any constructive criticism on your piece. Just a form letter. It’s frustrating as hell, too. She hasn’t had any sort of representation, period. She’s, once again, lying.

          • Dichotomy Trope (Queen Neferteeri) says:

            I thought so – thank you, cmd! I’ve been doing a shit ton of research for a book that I want to do, and am still a ways from putting together a full proposal. I happen to know a literary agent (has his own agency) socially and when I mentioned what I’m working on, he said that he’d love to see the proposal when it’s ready — to critique it, represent it to publishers, or refer to a more suitable agency (he doesn’t do much nonfiction). He’s known me for more than 5 years and didn’t offer to represent me without having anything to, you know, represent.

          • countmeindaisy says:

            I wish I could find someone that nice to work with me. I keep getting rejected because the stalker in my novel isn’t the heroine’s love interest like in Twilight.

          • If you have a legit novel and are having trouble finding an agent PLEASE send it to me. I’m taking on new authors trying to get my list started and am willing to put the extra time into MSS to get things sold. Already working with three authors and have a tentative affiliate deal lined up with an agency…

            Tobysparky at live dot com

            Pretty please? 😉

          • countmeindaisy says:

            It is legit! Do you want the entire thing or just the first chapter?

          • countmeindaisy says:

            Nevermind, sent the entire thing. Thank you, thank you times a million, I had almost given up and gone the self publishing route on Amazon.

      • Blowjobs by Bravo says:

        Could she be sued if she sent it in on her own without her agent’s knowledge?

    • Albie Quirky says:

      She was on a reality show. Celebrity books are their own thing, and have been since the dawn of commercial publishing (though in those days the celebrities were aristocrats or highwaymen).

      Of course her reality show turned out to be a dud and made her a bigger laughingstock among the tens of people who watched it, but “I have a reality show on Bravo” is enough to hook an agent.

      • Dichotomy Trope (Queen Neferteeri) says:

        But she was never more than a quick blip on the screen. I had almost as many viewers as her “documentary series,” and I don’t even have a show.

        No way does an agent agree to represent a nobody for more than a year, with nothing to show for it during that time.

        • Albie Quirky says:

          My guess is that she signed with him just before the shitshow launched, he just never bothered to drop her (this last has actually happened to me where an agent and I mutually lost interest in a project that never happened, and some years later that agent retired and I got a note from the agent’s successor saying “I inherited you, but why?” and we both laughed about it), and then she reappeared out of nowhere with this bag o’ poo.

      • Prof. F Camping says:

        Emily and Amy wisely had their books out during Miss Advised. Donkey: hee haw I’ll maybe get my book out two years after I was last on TV! Take THAT haters!

  90. Tonyamichaela says:

    Ok I’m a scientist, and I love how she acts like experimentation is an intellectual way to be bohemian and free, not a process that includes accountability, structure, and actual learning from mistakes. She is so pretentious yet so dumb!

    Her level of delusion is so terrifying. Like if I was that delusional, would I have any idea? Would anyone tell me? She should really appreciate this site more.

    • Tingolayo says:

      This this this. Guys, I’m going to try an experiment of my own tonight. I’m going to order the pizza with fontina cheese and truffle oil. My hypothesis is that it will taste good. But will it make me happy? The experiment will be tested by Cornell grad students and the results published in a peer-reviewed science journal. That will be $6 for my research grant, please.

    • Prof. F Camping says:

      Maybe Julia is Brother Britt’s dastardly experiment?!

  91. Psychtic Today says:

    Random thoughts I had while reading this drivel:

    -How does one, “re-imagine holiday celebrations?”
    -A friend of mine had a roommate who allowed her down on her luck friend to stay at their apt for a few days. The girl feung shuied their apt while the two of them were at work. She was promptly kicked out. That is all I could think about when she said feung shui as an activity.

    -She wasn’t a cheerleader at GW
    -How is she still grieving for her dead grandmother?
    -Start a dance party in Times Square? Has she been to Times Square?
    -Run the Disney Princess half-marathon. She didn’t start or finish the Susan G Komen race
    -The Sex at Dawn author is creepy
    -Why would Mark Zuckerberg give her the time of day?
    -Doesn’t David Karp hate her?
    -LOL at a Tina Fey interview
    -How do you start/keep up/update a “happiness app?”
    -Her PR reps from Bravo will NOT work with her again
    -Name dropping
    -500,000 eager customers? LOL
    -Elle does not want her back
    -TED talk? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
    -She can’t afford an RV
    -Book video trailer
    -Who does she think her target audience is?
    -The TV show section…. Made-up?
    -She doesn’t have prominent connections with ANY celebrities
    -She has been questioning politics since college?
    -She used FUCK earlier but then uses a– on page 30. Why?
    -She hasn’t been offline for 6 months
    -“Love yourself” aka come to terms with who you are and own it
    -In the dancing section I’m surprised she didn’t mention that she used to do ballet
    -If people don’t like you it’s because you’re a dick. Nothing will change that
    -Pleasure Camp, lol. I just can’t….
    -Running for the first time in her life? Then maybe a half-marathon is too ambitious
    -She plugged her “boyfriends” website
    -Buodoir photoshoot. STFU with the pinterest crap
    -Fuck her and her vision board
    -STOP USING THE WORD PARADIGM
    -Lead a life of Contribution? What does she contribute?
    -She shouldn’t be near the elderly, hospice, or work as a big sister.
    -She quoted herself in the prologue. I can’t…
    -Fake journal entry. NO ONE talks like that. NO ONE.
    -She called out a guy from 7th grade for telling her she has small boobs
    -Suicidal thoughts don’t include how upset people would be at your funeral….
    -She didn’t have her own tv show on Bravo
    -We think she is akin to a genocidal dictator?
    -Dork card? Grow up
    -Latin team?
    -Stage crew was dorky fun for a lot of people I know. None of them bring it up in conversations about being dorky in HS.
    -Shout out to Stanford Business School for rejecting her
    -First Season of her Bravo reality show-LOL
    -I’m sure her father and brother worry about her, not just her mother
    -Brings up Jelly Donut dumping her. Classic
    -LIU reference
    -Annies True Love Test for men makes me think she has never met a man

    • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

      -Run the Disney Princess half-marathon
      [img]http://www.sunnygacres.com/Sierra%20with%20tierra%20-%20C.jpg[/img]

      -Buodoir photoshoot
      [img]http://cl.jroo.me/z3/j/2/c/e/a.baa-Cute-sleepy-donkey.jpg[/img]

      -How does one, “re-imagine holiday celebrations?”
      -She shouldn’t be near the elderly, hospice, or work as a big sister.
      [img]http://www.psphealthcare.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/AC0003small.jpg[/img]

    • JFA says:

      Pretty sure she was a cheerleader for at least one semester. Pictures exist.

      I’m also so sick of her “teehee I was such a dork in HS” bullshit. Does she reference debate club too? It was high school. No one is impressed anymore. Give it a rest. Also if you were such a big dork you would have gotten into a single prestigious college (I know I keep bringing this up and it doesn’t matter to most people but come on, this is JA “name dropped ” Allison and you know it KILLED HER to have to go to Indiana U. Most nerds from prestigious high schools get into ivies (I’m turning into AFF now).

      She had an embarrassing as fuck dance party 300 years ago with Rat Teeth Zuckerberg, Mare Mare and Pointy. They dressed 80s, harassed some poor fireman, and generally made complete asses out of themselves.

      She really needs to stop using the “famous only for my last name and got fired by my brother” Zuckerberg card already. Literally no one is impressed with or cares about Randi Zuckerberg. Didn’t her tv show already get canceled? She’s worthless.

      • Tingolayo says:

        Cheerleader or “pep club”? At my college, you almost needed to be a gymnast to be a cheerleader– pyramids, aerials, drop falls, etc.

  92. MY TML Weekly says:

    Didn’t Jordacted recently get a book deal?

    • Devin Stetler 's Healing Personal Pan Pizzas™ says:

      I’m sure that amped up the inner hosebeast and Donkey is not going to let a former sister be more successful than she is!!!!! (Even tho… she is). But Jordan Reid, no matter what you feel about her, has a huge following that is not bought and paid for like a Donkey’s 200,000 bought Twitter followers.

      • I Like Colors (Bright) and Rainbows says:

        Serious question about Jordacted. I regularly read her blog, at first it was hate-reading but now I actually like her ok. But she never has any comments, at most maybe 5-10 on some posts. But yet her blog seems very popular and successful. Wouldn’t that correlate to comments?

    • Devin Stetler 's Healing Personal Pan Pizzas™ says:

      This sort of answers my fascination with, “Why now?” This could have been timed when she actually had a following — 7 years ago or during Miss Advised. Luckily (LOL) 500,000 fans ARE clamoring for her to blog, so there’s that.

      I think she is raging with jealousy at Randi Zuckerberg, Jordan Reid, Megatits, etc.

      • Gratuitous grammarian says:

        we aren’t giving you any more money until you do something

        what about that book proposal?

      • Blowjobs by Bravo says:

        I think she’s doing everything she can to keep the boyfriend she’s so desperate to marry. Dangling their grifter life together touring and writing books like a big fat imaginary healing chef carrot.

  93. How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

    Julia Allison, wannabe-author of happiness book, has a cameo appearance in an infomercial called, wait for it … Please Please Please Let Me Get What I Want

    Jump to :54 to see D0nkey w/ a prop dog other than @LillyDog
    http://youtu.be/3U3Rh9mxcoU?t=50s

    A stint on a home-shopping network probably *is* her best (& only) bet at this point …

    • Blowjobs by Bravo says:

      Yes, but sausage finger modeling rings don’t go well together. I think porn is truly her only next choice.

  94. debatable dating worms says:

    Sorry if anyone’s mentioned it already, but on page 42, she mentions “my natural foods chef boyfriend (TheHealingCook.com).” Had we seen scammer Devin Stetler’s page yet? I hadn’t–check it out and learn more about the Devin Stetler scam!

    • SURROUNDED BY BOOKS BECAUSE I AM AN AUTHOR WITH BOOKS says:

      “Meet Chef Devin”

      FUCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKK YYYYYYOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUU

    • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

      Color me surprised!
      /sarcasm

      I more or less called it HERE w/ the Alexandra Jamieson / Morgan Spurlock comparison of ‘the plan was …’, but to know Julia Allison is to know a scam in the making, so anyone’s call, really.

    • Anyone else cringe when he puts his hands through his hair in one shot, then the next one shows him using his hands on food?

    • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

      Anyone else notice that Devin Stetler, Healing Chef, is now attributing that cutesy-heart letter signed w/ a “J” to Jeannie Landis of the blog SimplyRediscovered (after reading here & getting called out that his fake girlfriend wrote that glowing endorsement)?

      [img]http://i42.tinypic.com/2zoyf42.png[/img]

      I guess anything’s possible w/ Jeannie Landis, but it’s really a stretch when considering that Devin Stetler wrote a bogus review on his fake girlfriend’s AirBNB listing …

      [img]http://i42.tinypic.com/p5cm0.png[/img]

      … & that Devin Stetler, self-trained “chef”, also claims to cure disease …

      • Nosferatu-tu says:

        1) he and Chef Aaron “tag teamed” the kitchen around the clock. I am still laughing!

        2) F*ck you, Wannabe Line Cook Devin Stetler for your claims of curing disease, reducing pain and relieving need for medication. You gonna cure my neck injury from a car accident through your “positively energized meals”?! Piss off.

        3) We all know what goes into those “positively energized meals”, don’t we…. OrgasmaPasta™ now with a side of stuffed silver short-shorts (only for a limited time. Call now to get your mouthful!)

        4) I apologize for #3. I made myself showervom.

        • Dr. Gary says:

          Ugh. So much rage.

          “2) F*ck you, Wannabe Line Cook Devin Stetler for your claims of curing disease, reducing pain and relieving need for medication. You gonna cure my neck injury from a car accident through your “positively energized meals”?! Piss off.”

          I have a metal plate in my neck from a car accident. It causes the worst migraines that occasionally send me to the ER. If it weren’t for the drugs, I wouldn’t be able to get out of bed or function.

          Do you think I LIKE taking ALL THE DRUGS that are possibly causing long-term liver damage and/or God knows what else? If there were some magical fucking food that could *heal* my damaged C5/C6 (that also has a goddamned piece of CADAVER BONE fused to the metal plate because collapsed discs in neck = paralyzed) DON’T YOU THINK I WOULD EAT IT EVERY FUCKING DAY?

          I. Can. Not.

          • Dr. Gary says:

            JFA-ing myself to say that I cook all the time. I cook very healthy meals, oftentimes using organic ingredients. We even recently signed up for service that delivers fresh organic produce from local farms. And guess what?

            *I am NOT in less pain
            *I DON’T have a more positive outlook
            *I DON’T have less reliance on pharmaceuticals

            Wanna know why?

            BECAUSE MY HEAD STILL FUCKING HURTS ALL THE TIME.

          • Devin Stetler 's Healing Personal Pan Pizzas™ says:

            I adore you and rage on beside you. I am so sorry for your pain. Fuck Devin Stetler.

          • MY TML Weekly says:

            Sending you love. You are such a wonderful presence here and so funny and smart. I’m so sorry for your pain and so grateful for your wit and words.

          • Nosferatu-tu says:

            Dr Gary, I feel your pain….LITERALLY! (teehee)
            I’ve had a permanent headache since the accident. It never goes away. The more I do, the worse it hurts until it becomes 14-16 hour long excruciating pain so bad I want to kill myself to stop it. I know how you feel about the drugs. Same here. I detest having to take them all the time, but cannot function, even at this low capacity, without them. I don’t have the metal plate yet. I’m still considering that operation. I didn’t think about cadaver bone. They want to take bone from both my hips to fashion two new discs from, but they don’t think the operation would have a good chance of success, hence I’ve not gone through with it so far.

            tl:dr sorry for my whining. I’m sorry you’re in so much pain. It totally sucks. I’m glad you get my rage. Thanks to the mods and everyone who contributes to this page; the laughs are much needed and greatly appreciated!

      • I Like Colors (Bright) and Rainbows says:

        Ughhhhhh yes because laziness is the reason why most people can’t eat healthy. Not poverty. It’s easy to eat organic and healthy if you have money. These people are such dolts.

      • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

        [img]http://i40.tinypic.com/e0hm2s.png[/img]

      • debatable dating worms says:

        He’s giving TJ Kelley realness in this photo

      • Devin's Shiny Crocs (Base Model Edition) says:

        Hahahahaha! I am dying here. Seriously? LOL!

        I also have to point out that not only does he mention his specialty, Brussels sprouts, he also misspells it. Julia must have written the copy. They also left out that the secret to that dish is dropping the sprouts all over the floor first. How healing.

      • Devin's Shiny Crocs (Base Model Edition) says:

        Wait, in all this healing word salad, where is any mention of his credentials in either the culinary or nutritionist fields?

        Oh that’s right, they don’t exist.

  95. SURROUNDED BY BOOKS BECAUSE I AM AN AUTHOR WITH BOOKS says:

    I cannot read this shit. I tried. I can’t. It’s so, so, so bad.

    Every single fucking line is some little tongue in cheek cloying quip. It’s like I can literally drop the cursor randomly anywhere in this document, and EVERYTHING is wrong and off.

    “With permission, which I guess means I’m not stealing, but I think calling it stealing makes mesound edgy”

    “I am not British but I feel very sophisticated when I spell check with a “q.” It’s the least I can doto make up for not being born Kate Middleton, which deeply irritates me nearly every day.”

    OH MY GOD SHE IS SO INSANE. This entire thing is just so. Fucking. Crazy. I’m rocked by it, and I’ve been following this lunatic for years. The desperate cobbling together of the quivering chunks of her failed life. It’s like watching someone trying to build a lasting house of melting ice. She is beyond any help. If not for her parent’s money I think she’d be dead by now.

    • Gratuitous grammarian says:

      i’m not a fan of the royals or kate middleton, but the future queen works out intensely and won the prince in part by winning the upper middle class fitness sweepstakes, not by being a tub of lazy lard

    • Everything's Coming Up Dadsters says:

      great comment….you expressed my feelings but i’m too much of a dumb twat to word it so nicely!!!

    • Gratuitous grammarian says:

      If not for her parent’s money I think she’d be dead by now

      — i always felt the same way about the people in low level patronage jobs; if you can’t get a job as a tollbooth worker without help, whoa

    • Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

      It is the most unprofessional thing I have ever read. At no point does she seriously, soberly, professionally lay out her argument to the busy desk-errand-runners taking the time to read it why this book would be a success. It is insulting in its flippancy. It’s no wonder it got passed around in dismay and disbelief.

      She is just so profoundly stupid.

      • Dichotomy Trope (Queen Neferteeri) says:

        She seems to truly believe that she is supposed to be famous for nothing more than being her hideous self. It’s as if she’s entitled to it and wondering why she got to the ripe old age of 32 and doesn’t have fame, money, nor a husband.

        • Gratuitous grammarian says:

          ftfy

          She has failed to learn that she is infamous for being her hideous self. It’s exactly why she got to the ripe old age of 32 and doesn’t have fame, money, nor a husband.

      • Gratuitous grammarian says:

        being stupid isn’t a crime. the best dog i ever had was mentally challenged, but he was the lovingest creature ever born.

        being stupid and aggro crazy is the issue

      • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

        On the contrary, she negates her ability to speak to it …

        (page 52)

        I don’t have the answers, but that’s the point – this being a journey and all, right? Even if I had the answers for me, they wouldn’t necessarily be the answers for you. In fact, I’m not even sure if I believe in “answers” at all. I think if you can find something that works, that brings you deep connection or a sense of freedom or a feeling of being greater than the little speck of sand that you are in the existence of the cosmos – for a while – that’s a gift.

        In fact, that just might be happiness.

        #DropsMic

        (Julia Allison need to drop the fake NBC mic!)

    • Tingolayo says:

      What grown-up American woman even gives a shit about Kate Middleton? When I was about 14, I thought Diana Spencer was kind of neat-o. I lost interest in favor of people I actually knew. My real life won out over a princess fantasy.

      • Gratuitous grammarian says:

        i was breaking up with my then bf when diana died and part of it was that he called me insensitive for complaining that people who were giving a shit about some princess dying were perfectly happy to cut food stamps for poor children

      • Norse Horse says:

        “It’s the least I can doto (sic) make up for not being born Kate Middleton, which deeply irritates me nearly every day.”

        This is so batshit. “deeply irritates me every day”? I think she’s trying to be funny here? For one thing, Kate M was born middle class, well-off but by no means guaranteed she’d marry Wills one day. She was mocked by UK tabloids as “Waity Katy” when she and Wills were apart for a while, mocked for being middle-class. There was no guarantee she and Wills would reunite and she’d be an HRH, marry, produce an heir etc.

        You know who else wishes Julia was born Kate? UK Republicans who would like to abolish the monarchy. It’s fun to imagine A Donkey marrying the heir to the throne- the monarchy woud crumble because of her. She is so pathetically awful.

        • Blowjobs by Bravo says:

          Yes, she is so happy and willing to teach us all how to be happy and yet she longs to be someone else. Yes, we all want her to be someone else too.

        • Gratuitous grammarian says:

          the middleton sisters are like wisteria — fragrant and climbing

  96. MY TML Weekly says:

    And what is with the death thing? How do you get to your 30s without realizing that everyone dies? She really is like a mental 12 year old.

    And she says her grandmother died suddenly and then later says she was in hospice care for months.

    • Handbag Stuffed With Hair says:

      I tried to post this on one of the earlier threads, but this is a woman who claims to be knowledgeable about politics and current events, so she must realize that 400+ Syrian children were killed in a single day recently, right? They die, but HER DOG WILL NOT?

    • Psychtic Today says:

      I found this to be very creepy. She went on to talk about how she sits around thinking about how she will feel when someone she loves dies. That is insane! Who does that? Yes, people die. It is a part of life. Most don’t sit around making themselves sad thinking about how they will feel when it happens.

      • Princess WideStance says:

        She’s thinking about the part she will play, of the bereft little princess. She’s thinking of all the attention.

        • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

          All the attn …
          All the inheritance …
          All the bereavement costumes she’ll grift …

          [img]http://www.petsadviser.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/10/dog-wearing-dress-victorian.png[/img]

      • Nosferatu-tu says:

        Remember when she went batshit crazy on her blerg (during a FW induced sleepless night?) about how she was listening to Mike & the fucking Mechanics “Living Years” imagining that her father had died?? We had a field day with that one!

        #WatchYourBackPettifogger

        • Documentary Series says:

          She gets off on the fantasy of herself in any dramatic role. She probably masturbated to the thought of showing up to some event in a cheap cocktail dress and announcing to everyone that her father had died. Everyone gathers around, “Oh Julia,” they say, “you’re so brave, and so beautiful in your grief,”

          Across the room, a rich, handsome founder watches as one perfect, black, gooey mascara tear rolls down her cheek. Her eyes are far away, so far away. “The poor sweet innocent little girl,” the founder thinks. “Alone now in this world. No father to protect, watch over, and pay for her every mistake and whim.”

          He strides across the room, lifts her up and twirls her way up in the air as she does an airborne skirt pull.

          ***

          The next morning, as Momser gives a restrained and thoughtful eulogy, Julia stands up. “I’m engaged!!!” she brays, and everyone cheers. Julia, Happiness Expert has done it again, she has made all their lives better.

          Ashton Kutcher, a pallbearer, shakes his head in admiration. “So wise,” he whispers to himself. “And so adorable.”

      • Gratuitous grammarian says:

        waiting for the money waiting waiting waiting waiting

  97. Albie Quirky says:

    “Homeless by choice”=”living in one of the three residences my parents own”=FUCK YOU YOU HORRIBLE THUNDERCUNT

  98. Nosferatu-tu says:

    Okay, I’m finding out why so many were stuck on p13 and couldn’t face it any longer!

    Did any of you notice the following spelling error? From p13:

    I’m also a big dictionary fan, so I looked up this definition for you. (You’re welcome.)
    HEURISTIC
    , adj. – enabling a persona to discover or learn something for themselves…

    Yep, dictionary definition picture she included says person but JABs spelling error says persona. (I added bold for emphasis. I also added parentheticals, and, commas, (don’t you love commas? They’re like winks tee hee) because, well, because they make me HAPPY tee hee HAW)
    *shudder*

    • pearipathetic donkey says:

      That spelling error is so telling because she is not a regular person, just a hodgepodge of personas.

  99. pearipathetic donkey says:

    OMG she is so inhibited and scared of EVERYTHING! Somewhere she got the idea that this was … cute?

    “I used to dance regularly, and was even a Georgetown cheerleader as a sophomore in college, but as I’ve gotten older, I stopped dancing; it just seemed “besides the point.” I’ve begun to consider that dancing might be the thing you do everything else to support, so I want to take it up again, but I’m nervous. Will I feel like a fool, awkward and clumsy? That doesn’t seem like a happy situation. Only one way to find out!”

    Also, her dance cred is that she was part of the pom pom squad in college? But also, I call bullshit. She’s all to proud to prance and leap in countless photos; she definitely seems confident in those pictures.

    • Jack the Hemmingway Reader says:

      Again, this scribbling reads like what a 15 year old writes on her notebook when daydreaming in English class, even though they’re studying Hemmingway and she loves his books so, so much, especially The Old Man in the Sea!

      Thanks, bitches, for a great read this sunny SoCal morning. Your smart & often hilarious commentary made a lovely day even lovelier. We’re talking colors (brite) lovely!

    • Everything's Coming Up Dadsters says:

      isn’t the expression “beside the point” not “besides”? this is bugging me, as are all of her many typos.

      • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

        Saw that & was winced, same as when someone says “anyways” or “ideals” instead of “ideas”.

      • Norse Horse says:

        It’s definitely “beside the point”, and there’s no need for her to put quote marks around it as if it were some exotic or unusual phrase. God.

    • Sake Bombardier says:

      She dances like a lady wrestler.

      • Documentary Series says:

        And the song she dances to, alone in her “beachfront home”?

        Leap of Faith.

        (remember that video?)
        #greatesthitsalbum

    • Prof. F Camping says:

      “dancing might be the thing you do everything else to support”

      [img]http://www.troll.me/images/angry-samuel-l-jackson/english-motherfucker-do-you-speak-it.jpg[/img]

  100. MY TML Weekly says:

    I’m sorry but this is the gift that keeps on giving!

    Why in the fuck in any universe would MC Hammer agree to pose for a paparazzi pic holding her mental book? And why does she keep dropping Brandi Glanville’s name as if she is Bethany Frankel?

    She is delightfully crazy and this is all making me so happy.

    • MY TML Weekly says:

      And, how would that benefit her? Is MC Hammer an influencer in the self help grifter world? Did I just wake up from a coma?

    • Devin Stetler 's Healing Personal Pan Pizzas™ says:

      It’s mental. She’s mental. My secret shame is I read all those rags online and MC Hammer has not been photographed in 2 years or more. Unless he runs into the street on fire, I doubt he will be.

      • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

        Is Julia Allison toying w/ the notion that if anyone reads that part & then googles: “Julia Allison MC Hammer” they’ll notice results but stop short of clicking links that actually lead to (a) Julia Allison making fun of MC Hammer pants two years prior to (b) Julia Allison being mocked for wearing, of all things, MC Hammer pants, to NYFW?

        I put nothing past Julia Allison, lying liar who lies.

    • Dead Shark On Subway (formerly Sad Rat In Sidewalk) says:

      MC Hammer is in with the tech startup crowd as he, like Ashton, takes on the role of “celebrity investor.” He hangs out at TechCrunch Disrupt and stuff like that. It’s weird.

      • Norse Horse says:

        He does? Huh, last I heard he was a brokeass (Behind The Music), spending all his money on a mansion and hiring like, forty of his relatives to do jack, at high salaries. Which was generous of him! But unwise. I guess he’s just workin’ it and networking for a new role, and nothing wrong with that I guess.

        It must suck to have so much, be so rich, then have it all disappear.

  101. CaptainGary says:

    This reads pretty much how I imagine the shelves of diaries in “Se7en” do.

  102. crazytrain says:

    Slightly sedated from dental surgery yesterday and just settling in to digest the cray. It’s really ineffable.

    “Studies claim that any income above a certain amount won’t make you happier, but making more than others around you relatively do WILL. I’d love to test that theory by interviewing a wide swath of millionaires and billionaires on what makes them happy, and how their wealth is tied to their joy. ”

    That first sentence. Wut. “making more than others around you relatively do will.” Others around you relatively do will. Relatively do will. Does she think that making the last word all caps fixes her syntax somehow? I’ve seriously met 7th graders who have a better grasp of the English language than she does. And this is her book proposal, for fucks sake – the culmination of her professional (lol!) work to date. I can’t get over how bad she is at writing.

    And then: “I’d love to test that theory by interviewing a wide swath of millionaires and billionaires on what makes them happy, and how their wealth is tied to their joy.” Right, Jabba. Because billionaires have the time and desire to sit down with the worst journalist of all time so that she can awkwardly flirt with them and try to grift a ride in their company jet. She seriously has no clue what actual successful, hardworking people do all day.

  103. Nosferatu-tu says:

    Probably already been mentioned, but this alone shows how truly delusional Donkey is-
    “I plan to secure a celebrity foreword. Celebrities up for consideration include …. Gretchen Rubin
    “… and this is AFTER she has said she is younger, more modern and edgier than Gretchen Rubin!!!! ‘Why yes, by all means Julia Allison, I don’t care that you’ve basically called me old, out of touch and boring, I’d LOVE to provide the foreword for your literaryilliteracy masterpiece.’
    Hearing what Gretchen is probably saying right about now would make me VERY HAPPY indeed!

    • Nosferatu-tu says:

      Page 27: why is she wearing a ring on THAT finger (no, not the one we all want to give her; no, not the 2 fingered peace sign she wants to show in candids; and definitely not the one she already received from Zinczenko). (I’m getting sick of these parentheticals. How does she do it??)

      F*ck, this manurefesto is really awful shite. See what I did there?

    • Reeks of desperate tutus says:

      Let me tell you what Gretchen is probably saying about this right now. *Crickets.*

  104. MY TML Weekly says:

    Footnote #23: who in the fuck in the world believes that our Wilmette princess got her *first* nose job done by a plastic surgeon she found in the yellow pages?

    I work with a guy like this. I always walk away from his tall tale telling shaking my head at how he must think that everyone else in the world is dumb as a box of hammers.

    • Dichotomy Trope (Queen Neferteeri) says:

      But I do really believe that much of the work she’s had done in recent years has either been from grifting shady docs or off of Craigslist. Or maybe a Groupon.

      • MY TML Weekly says:

        Agreed! But this was when she was 19. Her parents would have made the arrangements, from a referral from the family doctor. Not the bloody yellow pages.

        • Dichotomy Trope (Queen Neferteeri) says:

          By this time, everyone should know that everything she says should never be believed at face value.

  105. Meteorologist grammarian says:

    The so called proposal us te sMe shitshow as always just a pathetisad attempt at endless pointless travel

    • pearipathetic donkey says:

      exactly. did you notice the “spend the summer at my parents’ house?” translation: i’m moving back home.

      • Gratuitous grammarian says:

        exactement as the francais say

        “spend the summer” is a concept limited to children, teachers and junior social climbers sharing group houses six to a room

        grown ups don’t “spend the summer” — they “weekend at”

  106. EGuapo says:

    So from comments above, is it true that she just went ahead and started distributing this without Robert Guinsler’s knowledge? or is he just a Jr. agent and was too stupid not to background check the donkey?

    • Devin Stetler 's Healing Personal Pan Pizzas™ says:

      I think it’s an assumption. A strong assumption based on the fact that no agent in his right might would ever sent out this steaming pile of turd-sies. (It would majorly damage his reputation and make him look like a fool.)

  107. Pepe le Pew says:

    I’m going with B)–Gunisler sent it out but was too lazy or overworked to bother actually looking at the proposal, much less having anyone proof it.

    • Devin Stetler 's Healing Personal Pan Pizzas™ says:

      Nope. Would never happen. (Granted, I’m taking from the TV world) but I just do not believe that would ever happen. You do not waste the time of people you want to be in business with, with your other clients.

      • countmeindaisy says:

        Agreed. Publishing agents are in business to make money, and I doubt an agent got past page one of this before sending her a form letter rejecting it.

        • Pepe le Pew says:

          You are both so, so wrong here.

          • countmeindaisy says:

            You’re probably right, but, care to explain why? There’s still too much blood in my caffeine system to properly grasp your point.

          • Pepe le Pew says:

            Guinsler sent the proposal to several houses and did follow ups with each. Trust me on this.

          • countmeindaisy says:

            You are more than likely correct. The reason I have a hard time believing he even accepted this is because it’s clearly still a ROUGH draft. If he did, he did it only because she was on a reality show, for a hot minute, over a year ago (or is it two now?). With all the errors and typos in it, if he did submit it, his reputation took a hit.

          • Jordache & the Pelts says:

            As per JP’s rec, I just read Bill Clegg’s Portrait of an Addict as a Young Man (found it for 75 cents at the Goodwill in the Outer Banks this morning of all places. Read it on the Kitty Hawk pier in one sitting)
            Maybe Gunsler is on crack?

          • Dichotomy Trope (Queen Neferteeri) says:

            Prove it.

          • Devin Stetler 's Healing Personal Pan Pizzas™ says:

            So what’s the feedback Pepe?

          • Devin Stetler 's Healing Personal Pan Pizzas™ says:

            Because before you were guessing but now you know? Not buying it.

          • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

            So what you’re saying, Pepe, is that all the people at all of those publishing houses that passed Julia Allison’s manurefesto are laughing at both Julia Allison and her literary agent, Robert Guinsler?

            I imagined that it only got passed because it came directly from D0nkey herself …

            Proof that you are in the now would go a long way though, because otherwise, your insistence is on the same level of a claim that MB’s obit was in the Austin Statesman.

        • John C. Farrar says:

          He’s on the level. Guinsler sent it out, but no one is going to be foolish enough to post anything that might get a tipster or an innocent party into trouble.

          You’re just going to have to take this one on faith, haters.

          • Who do you think you are? says:

            So the question, then, is why? Why would he want his name attached to something like this? I don’t know who he is, but is he stupid? Or just careless?

          • Gratuitous grammarian says:

            as an early april fool’s joke?

          • Devin Stetler 's Healing Personal Pan Pizzas™ says:

            Well, if the agent stands by the manuscript, I’m not sure what there is so hide and I’m not sure who would get in trouble.

          • Devin Stetler 's Healing Personal Pan Pizzas™ says:

            I mean, proposal.

          • Blowjobs by Bravo says:

            Will he be looking for a new job? Or did he just say this is really rough but we can work with it? I mean she basically says she’s too lazy to work and wants someone to fund her lifestyle (did she get cut off?) So pay for her lazy lifestyle under the disguised as a ‘start up’ for happiness? Wow if this guy could sell that, he could sell anything.

          • Dichotomy Trope (Queen Neferteeri) says:

            I still call bullshit on Robert Guinsler sending this out. For one thing, why didn’t have Donkey take care of typos, spelling errors, and malaprops? Or at least make some intern retype it — correctly, this time? Why would he send out a proposal that reads like shit and that looks like it came from an unbalanced child, with his office address spelled incorrectly?

          • Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

            He did send it out. Stand down

            As for why — maybe he wanted it to fail. Knows she’s mental. Held his nose and sent it out. That is the theory.

          • countmeindaisy says:

            I agree with Dichotomy. No agent worth their salt as an agent would shop around a proposal or a manuscript that was THAT much of a hot mess. They wouldn’t even represent it.

          • Dichotomy Trope (Queen Neferteeri) says:

            How the FUCK would a professional agent send this out with his name and misspelled address on it?! Unless it wasn’t sent to get a publishing deal, but strictly for laughs.

            There is no real concept or theme, other than Donkey finding herself fascinating, and she’s a truly shitty writer who should never have been encouraged to write.

            An agent sending this out makes no sense. Unless she has bestiality videos of him.

          • OMGPearskank says:

            It may be somewhat like a Queen Sacrifice, a move to finally rid himself of her as a “client”. If it, as I expect, does not find any takers, he can legitimately say that he’s tried, it didn’t work out, best of luck anyway, now let me take you off my contacts list.

    • Bunsy says:

      You don’t send book proposals out by yourself. They are sent out via the agent… which is why you have an agent. I can’t believe someone someone sent this out (if they did). Makes Sterling Lord look kind of insane.

      Also, the proposals I have seen (and written) have all the marketing stuff in the back — and maybe it’s a page or two. If that. AFTER you have written your idea for the book, your professional experience, sample chapters, etc. In a way, this is kind of a modern day vanity publishing thing — if she is hiring two PR people, RV bus to drive around in, etc, she is spending a pile of her parents money to get this off the ground.

      The whole operation strikes me as kind of (no, WAY) cynical. She has a half baked dumbass idea, zero ability to write, an annoying persona, and is throwing tons of money, etc to sell it to the American people. Having skimmed the proposal, I am still a bit befuddled as to what they heck the book is about. (“Be Happy?” We’d all love to be happy all the time…)

      As an actual, published author, you want to the publisher to pony up a nice, sizeable six figure advance, and see what PR ideas THEY HAVE — to see how committed they are to your idea, book project, etc. I feel sorry for all the actual writers on this site, who have talent, energy, background, etc, having to wade through this nonsense. When it’s just sort of this big hustle.

      Also, if I were her agent — first thing — get rid of the dopey “faux typewriter” font. Headache inducing. (Sorry comments so long, gang.)

      • Devin Stetler 's Healing Personal Pan Pizzas™ says:

        Could I ask you some advice on the book world? I’m a TV writer with 8 years experience who also sold a blog of personal essays to a network. I have 100 pages of my first book (and I’m taking classes at UCLA so I have some guidance from someone who knows what they are doing.

        I wouldn’t mind asking you a few questions (which will not be asking you for any kind of help at all, LOL). Do you have a fake email or can I ask the mods 🙂

      • Dichotomy Trope (Queen Neferteeri) says:

        There are publishers who accept submissions without agents. Also, don’t put it past a Donkey to get contact info for key people in other publishing houses and just sending this dreck to them, hoping they’ll see the brilliance and jump right on the phone to call Robert Guinsler and demand to buy the rights from him. You know that’s how she thinks.

        Donkey never respects the protocols and rules, and just bulldozes her way and assumes everyone will think she’s so talented and cute and clever and twee, that all will be forgiven.

      • Sake Bombardier says:

        “Makes Sterling Lord look kind of insane.”

        If your theory is true then it certainly makes them look a little Bleeker.

    • Dichotomy Trope (Queen Neferteeri) says:

      I’m pretty sure that agents don’t just randomly send around proposals that they haven’t even read. That would kill their reputations and make the editors less likely to deal with them. An agent who just blast sends every proposal would soon be known as a moron who wastes editors’ time, and would nobody would ever take a call from him again. Agents are VERY careful about not pissing off the key people at publishing houses.

      • Agreed. As an aspiring agent myself I’m acutely aware that it takes a very long time to develop trust and a relationship with acquisitions editors and publishers. If Julia sent this out on her own, she likely damaged his career in ways that will take a long time from which to recover (perhaps even in violation in any theoretical contract they might have). She may have had some bright ideas about how this could only “help” her cause, but in reality it’s the worst shooting-herself-not-in-the-foot-but-the-head move that she’s EVER made.

        This agent is someone with years of experience in the business. There’s no way he let this happen. Someone needs to make discreet inquiries about how how this all went down and, if possible, offer to help with his war wounds. 🙁

        • Bunsy says:

          I agree with this. The agent/publisher relationship is sacrosanct. I wonder — could JA possibly have sent this out under her own aegis? (Which would TRULY be insane.) I have never heard of anyone ever doing this. IF she did, her “publishing career” (such as it is) is over, at least with the professional NYC houses.

          But the entire proposal is just so bizarre looking… I can’t imagine Sterling Lord sending this out. Please — someone investigate.

          • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

            Remember, she scheduled her own fauxtoshoot & hiring announcement of her gig for TMS, sans any greenlight from TMS …

          • Dichotomy Trope (Queen Neferteeri) says:

            I can TOTALLY see her sending it out on her own — typos, bizarro psycho killer font and all. You know she can get the contact info of key people at these publishing houses, and then she sent this piece of stinking poo to all of them. In her warped mind, she broke the rules to get ahead. And so many publishing houses will be rushing to call Robert Guinsler that Guinsler will not only not be angry at her for using his name like that, but will gushingly thank her.

            This is EXACTLY the kind of rude, pushy asshole behavior that she thinks makes her gutsy and special and all that bullshit.

      • Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

        I know it seems insane and I understand that none of you want to believe it was sent out by him, but I have seen what people received and I have seen where it came from. He sent it out. Sorry basement-dwellers, it may be hard to fathom and nonsensical, but it’s true. It came from him. And let’s just say it seems there might have been at least a couple of other people in his office who read it in disbelief. And after it got sent out, it quickly made the rounds.

        • MY TML Weekly says:

          Understood, and thanks for confirming. It’s so wacko though. I would love to know what his intentions were. I’d also love to know if she is now raging at him for not even having an intern proofread the damn thing.

          Are you hearing any speculation about why it was distributed in such shitty shape?

          • Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

            Nothing at this point. The dismay isn’t so much about the typos, it’s about the sheer rambling, disjointed, interminable insanity of it all and sort of a “who the hell does this chick think she is?” disbelief since some people who read it had never heard her before, this delusional failed reality star who claims to be a worldwide sensation with 500,000 people DYING for her start blogging again or whatever lie she told there. Which is sweet given that is so often what she throws at people who dare to challenge her: “Who the hell do you think you ARE? I have never been spoken to so rudely in my ENTIRE LIFE!”

          • Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

            p.s. My working theory is that she threw a shit-fit when he told her to edit it down drastically, and/or to give it some focus and perhaps, you know, a bit of FUCKING GRAVITAS, and she refused to do it, believing it was some kind of epic masterpiece and also, lazy. And so he just sent it out as is, knowing it would fail and knowing that would be the end of the association. I base this on nothing. But I can see a scenario of that type.

        • Dichotomy Trope (Queen Neferteeri) says:

          Seems insane? Unless it was sent out to be included in a textbook of what NOT to do when writing a book proposal or for an abnormal psych textbook, this makes zero sense. Less than zero.

          It’s a shitty concept unclearly put forth. She’s a lousy storyteller and her writing skills aren’t even up to remedial standards.

          Even if this guy thought this is something that will be a bestseller, how does he send it out without having an intern correct the spelling errors (including the address of the literary agency!), typos, syntax mangling, etc.?!

          • Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

            I have no idea, but I am telling you, as others have from the publishing industry who have weighed in here and received and/or been forwarded the proposal, that HE SENT IT OUT.

    • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

      Hmmm … well, more than 1,000+ people have viewed Julia Allison’s “manurefesto” (obligatory parenthetical here: great portmanteau, whoever came up w/ that!) & more than 1,100 comments have been posted on RBD in a day’s time (obligatory parenthetical here: all of which mock the ridiculous book proposal) …

      I just can’t believe that Robert Guinsler, established literary agent (obligatory parenthetical here: w/ an even better eye for good / bad writing than more than 99+% of the cat peeps here), would not have spotted huge no-no’s w/ even the briefest of a glance & declined to put his name to it …. unless she pissed him off so bad that he forwarded it because she deserves the mockery & that people in the biz know he’s not even remotely serious about pushing Julia Allison Baugher’s crap of a book proposal.

      (obligatory parenthetical here: that last theory wanted to grow on me, but I find the misspelling of the lit agent’s street name to be very tell / tale / d0nkey tail)

      • countmeindaisy says:

        You know what I find hilarious? That she’d send this out with all the typos and grammatical errors and whatnot. In order to be a serious writer, one must possess the ability to proofread–and because I’m a perfectionist, self-edit–anything they submit for publication. Donkey!fail, again.

        • KashMoney says:

          you people need to get it through your heads that it is impossible for Julia to have sent this out herself. at the very least she wouldn’t know who to send it to.

          most real houses won’t look at unagented stuff especially when the the person HAS an agent

          • countmeindaisy says:

            There are houses that do take submissions without an agent, it’s just frowned upon to do so. You can end up burning bridges that would’ve been a sure thing for your project.

          • Dichotomy Trope (Queen Neferteeri) says:

            You seem to forget that she is pals with people who are published authors and would have the contact info.

          • Albie Quirky says:

            The whole thing makes no sense. Yes, it seems unlikely that JAB would have the wherewithal to figure out how to submit an unagented proposal to the appropriate editors (most of even the big houses still accept unagented proposals for non-fiction, but you do have to know where to send them).

            But it also seems unlikely that a legit literary agent would send out an unedited pile of crap that included a typo in his address on the cover page.

            Julie creates paradoxes by her very existence.

          • MY TML Weekly says:

            Albie,

            “Julia creates paradoxes by her very existence.” has just been added to the “gratuitous blurbs” section of her proposal.

            Congrats!

          • countmeindaisy says:

            I’m just in awe of the mindless drivel, page after page of mindless drivel.

          • Dichotomy Trope (Queen Neferteeri) says:

            Don’t you think that at least one (or more) of the people on her “NY Times Bestselling Authors” and “Notable Supportive Influencers” lists would give her contact info at publishing houses?

            And why do you assume that she has an agent? Just because she listed one (with an office on “Bleeker Street”)? Don’t you know it’s typical Julia Allison to claim something, then worry about it later? Or assume that once this guy gets overwhelmed with publishers begging to buy this, he’ll admire her moxie?

  108. Silver Cape La Phlegm says:

    I do just have to laugh at how she just wants to “contribute” to others. All of your friends and exes you completely threw under the bus, told bold face lies about, exposed secrets told to you in confidence on a national scale to make yourself look better and more relevant, harassing the new girlfriends of all the “young men” you’ve dated with intent to hurt their feelings and damage their relationship, minimizing your parents and their obvious blind enabling devotion to you – you are a definite cuntribution lady!

    Also, where are the mentions of her actions that have caused her to be unhappy? The kid that told she had small boobelows inspiring her to live a life of push up bras? Immersing herself in a library during lunch hour AS A CHILD since she had a big nose? All of the times she mentions getting fired, rejected or failing she makes it seem like “those meanies who just didn’t understand me and how cute I am”. Referencing only the body snark on her hate site but not mentioning all of her horrible misdeeds that GOT HER A HATE SITE.

    She really, truly sucks and won’t ever change no matter what witch, love coach or new fiance can give to her.

    😉

    • Nosferatu-tu says:

      Cuntribution Lady would make a lovely user name!

      Oops, Cuntribution Shady would be even better, coz she ain’t no lady!

    • Nosferatu-tu says:

      Apologies if this posts twice.

      Cuntribution Lady would make a great username.

      Better yet, Cuntribution Shady, coz she ain’t no lady.

  109. tpring says:

    Visit the sacred temples of Damanhur in Italy.

    As per Wikipedia (German):
    According to the Predsident of the Italien Osservatorio Nazionale Abusi Psicologici Damanhur fulfills attributes typical for a sect: Manipulation through crowd pressure, extortion, total obedience, cutting of family-ies, depersonalization and subordination to the master. Former members talk about psychic and physical abuse.

    … sounds happy, allright.

    • countmeindaisy says:

      I still pose this question. If a donkey is allowed to run wild through a sacred temple, is the temple still considered sacred after?

      • pearipathetic donkey says:

        What? Don’t you think everyone will love her angel costume, complete with exposed as cheeks. Isn’t that her Black Rock City Temple costume.

      • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

        Julia Allison Baugher can’t be held responsible for any damages on her part for DUI (D0nking Under the Influence) of Ayahuasca!

        Oh, wait … it was while in Peru that Julia Allison Baugher tripped on Ayahuasca w/ Devin Stetler, Healing Chef, & Michael Ellsberg, Mesh Shirt …

        I get so confused WRT all these Dad$er-funded “trips” that Julia Allison Baugher has taken rent-a-boyfriend, Devin Stetler, Heeling Kook, on!

        • countmeindaisy says:

          I see “heeling” and I immediately think of pro-wrestling. That would be one hell of a gimmick, heeling kook.

  110. Russian Girl says:

    Oh Good Lords of the Rings, peoples!! I pass out for past two months from the juice of potatoe (see what I do there?) and wake up to THIS?!?!?!?!?!

    I have question: Did not Poofy not mention on blerg in the recents that she meet with lady-person who help her write book? Maybe other lady wrote part of these too (and simply cannot the write), which explain maybes all the typos and inconsistersies (except also Poofy is terrible writer too, but the fact that she crank out 81 pages of the (recycled!) poo-poo is still something I cannot wrap head (of boyfriend’s penis) around.

    Also, even while being fucked by goat, I know enough to knows that Sterling Lord is veeerry respect literacy agency. Poor Sterling Lord.

    • Devin Stetler 's Healing Personal Pan Pizzas™ says:

      I die. You kill me! Last I saw from Andrea Dunlop, LOL, cowriter of “When Donkeys Bray,” – she had a draft, a year ago. No updates since then.

      I think Donkey can do typos and inconsistencies all on her own. All while hopped up on God knows what! What a manic mess.

      • Hemmingway the Bulldog - Celebrity Endorsements Available! says:

        I’ll bet Dunlop has set aside an entire chapter devoted to the many Christmas sweaters worn over the years by Julie, the Redacteds too numerous to mention, Little Brother, Employed Sister-in-law, and the rents.

    • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

      I posited elsewhere that the sample chapter(s) were most likely written by an auditioning ghost-writer & that Julia Allison commandeered one or both of them (I only read part of one sample & could tell straight away that D0nkey didn’t rub that one out) …

      #BetchaBeerImRight

    • frequent liar miles says:

      Ruskie! I anticipated (and hoped and prayed) that this fresh steaming pile of Donkey’s droppings would lure you from the steppes, and so it has.

      (Also welcome back to CDB and other regulars who went to ground during the summer doldrums.)

      P.S.: I ask again, where is AFF?

    • Jordache & the Pelts says:

      Up until page 14 or so (that’s as far as I could tolerate), the proposal is clearly in Julia’s voice and has her hoove prints (typos, paranthetcals, etc.) all over it.

    • Norse Horse says:

      I pass out for past two months from the juice of potatoe (see what I do there?) and wake up to THIS?!?!?!?!?!

      I die, and I love you.

      Poor Sterling Lord indeed.

  111. I'm guessing it's biology says:

    KONY 2012

    • Donkey's Anger Farts says:

      Jack it, jack it, jackety-jack
      Spankin’ it, spankin’ it, smackety-smack.
      Jackin’ it, jackin’ it, jackety-jack.
      Spankin’ it, spankin’ it, smackety-smack.

      JACKING FOR THE LORD!

      Come to San Diego
      There’s so much to see…
      From the sparkling waters of Mission Bay,
      to the warm tortillas of Old Town.
      And after a day of sightseeing,
      why not try spankin’ it on one of our city streets?
      San Diego, come, take a load off.

  112. Sacred Scrapbooks says:

    Dance party in Times Sq? Once wasn’t enough?

    http://vimeo.com/1329384

    • Drunken Polka Dot Feet says:

      Yeah, a lot of the stuff included are things she’s already done so she can say “hey, look! I’m sooo accomplished ;)”

    • Expert Gay says:

      I had totally forgotten about the existence of the phrase “lip dub” before I clicked on that link, so thanks for that.

  113. Donkey's Anger Farts says:

    “But I’ll warn you: Experimenting with Happiness is Serious Stuff. Stuff that Requires Capitalization of Words in the Middle of Sentences.”

    What the fucky fuck?

  114. countmeindaisy says:

    Okay, since Donk referenced baths in her proposal. Somewhere–can’t be bothered to find/quote at the moment–what are your favorite bath products?

    I myself am a big fan of Lush’s products, specifically their bath bombs, bubble bars, and bath melts. I say big fan when I really mean addict. I swear by Sex Bomb, a pinch of The Comforter for the bubbles, and Happy Blooming for the bath melt.

    • Sake Bombardier says:

      Epsom salt. Anything soapy or fragrant is bad for immersing ladyparts, unfortunately.

    • Blowjobs by Bravo says:

      I loved all of their bath bombs until I kept having to pay a plumber to come fix the drain. It looked like he unclogged a forest (pine needles, flowers) he asked if I’d recently gone camping-ahh yeah-no-not a camper more of a shopper.

      • countmeindaisy says:

        The ones I use have zero surprises to be released, thankfully. Except sex bomb, and it has a flower, but I fish that out as soon as it’s released.

        • Blowjobs by Bravo says:

          I’ll def try sex bomb, and take your lead and fish out that flower right away. Thanks for the reminder -I forgot how much I loved those bath bombs. I have been using Bobbi Brown’s Beach Scrub-not as great as the Beach Bath Bar she used to make, but it’s a good second.

          • countmeindaisy says:

            The Enchanter is one of my favorites, it’s super fruity and it puts on a really wicked show while it’s dissolving, defs check that one out too. And Dragon’s Egg–takes FOREVER to dissolve, but it’s really moisturizing and it has a gold glittery core. Supposed to look like a baby dragon being born.

        • Blowjobs by Bravo says:

          Oh thank you! I think I will head there tomorrow. It is amazing how a relaxing bath can make you feel like a whole new person.

      • Dr. Gary says:

        Oh, this made me giggle.

        When I first discovered Lush, I lost my damn mind. Bought all sorts of bath bombs, bubble bars, soaps and whatnot. I eventually got burnt out on all of it. Still have a drawer filled with leftover stuff from a few years ago.

        But Sweet Baby Jesus, I will never forget the first time I experienced the scent of Rock Star soap. Pure heaven. I was so hooked on it, I would occasionally go into the bathroom and pick it up just to sniff it. Couldn’t get enough of that sweet, sweet smell.

        • countmeindaisy says:

          I’d love to try their soaps but I am severely allergic to all things coconut. Every single one of their soaps has coconut oil. Every. Single. One. And I’m dying to try Rock Star soap!

    • Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

      L’Occitane’s Almond Shower Oil. You can pour some in the bath or use it in a puff in the shower. It is the best shit ever.

  115. cuntribution lady (formerly darkwing duck) says:

    oh man, where to begin? I usually lurk and rarely comment, as I’m off actually attempting to not become homeless in the imminent future. This site really make me laugh through tough times, thanks catladies!

    I literally (literally! ha!) cannot believe she’s STILL fucking referencing things that happened in high school and even more idiotic, middle school! Yes honey, a lot of us were bullied mercilessly as a child, some of us for bodily attributes as well. I however am not sitting here at 31 whining about things that happened 15 or 20 years ago. Some of us who were bullied for our bodies actually grew up & had healthy relationships and, OMG! got married! How do we do it?

    How fuck does no one in her life realize she is desperately unhinged? How I ask? After reading her proposal (manifesto?) she is so angry at not actually being a pretty princess and it’s an incredible insight into the mind of a narcissistic sociopath. Does anyone else think she’s in the throes of a manic breakdown? Also, didn’t she break up with the silver lame hotpants? I confused.

    #sorry for the ramble, am drunk on wine (sadly no ham was involved)

    • mcakez: We Need to Talk About Devin says:

      Ashton, how can we help?

      No letting kitties go homeless in this basement! Unless you mean Julia’s definition which involves globe trotting and living in the parents high rise.

  116. Sacred Scrapbooks says:

    Maybe the publisher of the DSM would be interested?

    • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

      HA! ♥♥♥♥

      On a different note, maybe the Happiness RV that Julia Allison claims to already own (liar!) would feasibly come from the proceed$ of the $ale of Nutty Granny Money Bag$ hou$e …
      [img]http://i43.tinypic.com/2eezw95.png[/img]

      • Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

        That’s interesting. Peter’s sister bought it. The beloved Aunt Victoria, about whom we have never heard a single word from Donk. You know there must be a story there.

  117. Donkey's Anger Farts says:

    I wonder why Tucker Max didn’t make the cut for her Dale Carnegie list of friends and influencers.

    “I would date rape Julia Allison.” – Tucker Max, author of hilarious rape/poop jokes

  118. Braya Angelou says:

    What kind of stupid asshole can’t even use word play to brand her RV the Happy Camper. She deserves no book deal.

  119. RV of Cuntiness says:

    I am the confused about Derpin and whether they broke up or what.

    • Dichotomy Trope (Queen Neferteeri) says:

      I think she wrote at least parts of this manurefesto over the last year, when they were still together.

      • Donkey's Anger Farts says:

        The last year? That would make it even more sad.

        If this piece of shit took more than one rage-filled, angry-farting weekend I would be shocked.

        • Dichotomy Trope (Queen Neferteeri) says:

          I refuse to go looking through that pile of dreck again, but I’m pretty sure that at one point, she writes about Derpin being her boyfriend “of 9 months.”

          • Dr. Gary says:

            Yes she does. Which means she wrote that approx. Jan/Feb 2013. Before their ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY and ROMANTIC TRIP TO EUROPE, where she expected a proposal.

            Oh she got a proposal (just not the one she was hoping for!) (see what I did there?)

  120. How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

    Can anyone else pull up xojulia.com at this time?

    • Drunken Polka Dot Feet says:

      Came up for me. Re-directs to juliaallison.com

      • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

        I did finally come up for me too — I was curious if she was being made to remove Robert Guinsler, Literary Agent, from her contact info (still there!).

  121. Hemmingway the Bulldog - Celebrity Endorsements Available! says:

    Guess the great Fran Lebowitz won’t be doing a celebrity endorsement for the happiness project. “First it was a book, then an app, then a feature film directed by PT Anderson!” Poor Julie! Our favorite 14 year old still hasn’t realized “happiness” is a sensation, not a reasonable goal.

    http://lovethecool.net/2010/12/03/happiness-is-a-sensation-not-a-condition-fran-lebowitz/

    • Sacred Scrapbooks of Bleeker Street says:

      There’s nothing Julia can’t do, there’s no one Julia can’t be*! Why, Julia could be Fran! All she needs is real talent, an adult point of view, and about 60 more IQ points.

      (*) And this, of course, is Julia’s endlessly megalomaniacal idea of “happiness.”

      • Albie Quirky says:

        They both have writer’s block in common. Also parents with money.

        But I looooooooooooooooooove Fran Lebowitz. She is brilliant. Even if she never writes another word, she will be long remembered.

        • Norse Horse says:

          I love Fran as well, she’s brilliantly funny and astute. I did suspect she had family money, but on the other hand, Fran was a cab-driver in NYC in the crime-ridden early 70’s. Which was kind of daring for a woman, maybe she was rebelling. Anyway, Donkey is no Fran. By at least a hundred IQ points.

  122. Julia'sTooSmallTutu says:

    I’m looking forward to the inevitable Kickstarter campaign that she will launch once every publishing house rejects her.

  123. Deeply shallow says:

    The note above about the exclusion of any mention of SONY from this document got me thinking …

    It would be interesting to make a list of all the people whom she didn’t dare list as being willing to give her a blurb. (BTW, I know at least four of those listed are baffled/pissed at having been named in this proposal — they don’t even KNOW her, let alone count her as a “friend” or someone they would vouch for, publicly or privately.)

    1. Emily Gould
    2. Lloyd Grove
    3. Justine Musk
    4. Ben Leventhal
    5. Paul Carr
    6. Sarah Lacy
    7. Andy Cohen
    8. Levin Rambin
    9. Chris Anderson
    10. Mindy Kaling (remember her trying to make this happen?)
    11. Jordan Reid
    12. Emily from “Sex with Emily”
    13. Amy Laurent
    14. Charles Foreman

    I know there are more people with relatively high profiles whom she would definitely have listed if she thought there was a chance in hell they’d ever give her the time of day. Like I said, considering she listed people as “friends” who don’t even know her, it’s interesting to see with whom she knows the bridge is well and truly burnt.

    • MY TML Weekly says:

      No burnt bridges with MC Hammer.

      • Deeply shallow says:

        MC Hammer is very good friends with Mike Arrington. No way he’d support Julia Allison in any way (and I would bet he doesn’t know her, either). This is how delusional she is, listing close friends of sworn enemies as the ones who will vouch for her and blurb her book.

        Which means that, with those above, she must know there’s not a chance in hell they’ll ever do anything for her.

        • Albie Quirky says:

          MC Hammer and Mike Arrington are friends?

          I was going to say “only in America” but then I remembered that Samuel Beckett used to drive the young Andre the Giant to doctors’ appointments.

    • Sake Bombardier says:

      Kevin Rose
      Ricky Van Veen
      TJ Kelly
      Jessica Quirk
      Adrian Chen
      Mary Rambin
      Nick Denton
      Arianna Huffington
      Keith Pollack
      Meghan Asha
      Mark Kirk
      Chris Anderson

      (I know several of these people are a basically nobodies but since she’s clutching at straws. . .)

    • pearipathetic donkey says:

      She didn’t list Andy Cohen, but she did say she could land a spot at Watch What Happens.

      • MY TML Weekly says:

        He HATED her on wwhl. He was dismissive and mocking and almost rude. As was appropriate.

        I cannot imagine him okaying that.

        • pearipathetic donkey says:

          That’s exactly what I thought. And all the appearances she mentions she could get. When’s the last time she was invited on any show of note? And I don’t count all the appearances with Amy and Emily to promote her Bravo documentary series.

        • Blowjobs by Bravo says:

          Andy would and often does sell his own mother’s soul for a $. If this POS took off he’d have her on. He also said he’d never have any of the Kardashians on but he did.

          Side note: anyone in the know hear if anyone listed as a FOJ in the proposal is upset?

          • pearipathetic donkey says:

            Up thread someone mentioned that at least four people on the list claim to not even know her and are definitely not her friend.

          • Deeply shallow says:

            Yes. People are horrified to be associated with her. Some of the people listed have never even met her or spoken to her, according to them. In some cases, they are friends with one of her dumbass friends (e.g. Tim Ferriss), but have never indicated they’d help Donk promote shit or blurb her book. In other cases, they just plain don’t know her and don’t have a single soul in common with her.

            She’s grasping and didn’t think she’d get busted. Um, er … oops?

  124. Donkey's Anger Farts says:

    Page 9: “Sometimes, if I run out of fresh material, I’ll cut & paste old paragraphs from my college theology papers and intersperse them into the text to see if you’re still reading.”

    Also because she’s too lazy to write anything new and hasn’t had an original idea years.

  125. Blowjobs by Bravo says:

    This back to school special by far has been my favorite.

  126. JFA says:

    No one has mentioned that quote from the beginning where someone called her a “genius.” She really believes she is too. I can’t imagine any of those kiss-asses to baptize her book (if it actually gets published) with blurbs…because, no. no one is going to sign off on that.

    And randi, STFU. If she is one of the best writers you’ve ever read as per your quote in the beginning of this shitshow, you are a fucking moron. I hate that bitch.

    • Gratuitous grammarian says:

      1. the quote is a lie, but randi really is that dumb
      2. the quote is true, but it was said a long time ago, which is a lie of timing, and randi really was that dumb
      3. the quote is current and true, and randi really is that dumb

  127. JFA says:

    How many self-help books do you think she has on “happiness?” How many self-help books on happiness already exist? Why would anyone even read this turd? Like you can read any number of self-help books with strategies actually backed up by scientific studies about how to be happier (I highly recommend “The Mindful Way Through Depression” and any number of classic books about CBT techniques to get out of funks. You know, real therapy books) Like, doctors and PhD’s and people with actual grad degrees who have researched things for YEARS…write books. Why would you read the ramblings of a fucking idiot who got her happiness ideas from witches and fashioning gollums and failing to throw them into the ocean correctly? I can’t.

    • Julia'sTooSmallTutu says:

      If we’re to believe her, she has at least 37 self help books which means it’s probably double that.

  128. KashMoney says:

    i will also point out that the press clippings are under separate cover, so this brayfest easily clocks in at over 100 pp.

  129. Older Natural Being says:

    “My twenties, in fact, were incredibly painful. A bit bipolar, really.”
    “And much like a bi-polar on-and-off boyfriend, you try to remember the good times. . .”

    Is there any reason she should be mentioning bipolarism not once but twice in this travesty? Except that she can’t stop, won’t stop with the cunting?

    (When I went back to search for the references, I only searched for “polar” (because I doubted whether she consistently used it as one word or as a hyphenate. (And, walla.)))

    • Deeply shallow says:

      Was that a dig at [REDACTED]? You stay classy, Donk.

    • Norse Horse says:

      “And much like a bi-polar on-and-off boyfriend,..”

      Holy shit- did she really go there? Sorry for the rude word, but that’s pretty cunt of her. Jesus. leave him alone. She is the fucking worst.

  130. RV of Cuntiness says:

    Here is what’s confusing me…I’m on page 29 and her table of contents lists one chapter called “experiments.”. But the whole book is supposed to be based on experiments and she even suggests a series of books based on the ” experiments” theme. How fuck? Am I crazy to even try to reason with this thing?

    • Devin Stetler 's Healing Personal Pan Pizzas™ says:

      Yes.

    • Expert Gay says:

      I’m back from lurkdom because I can’t. I just can’t. Though, in a way, I can! I can believe that Julia wrote this, thought it was a work of genius, and felt justified in name-dropping people who have no desire to be associated with her. I can even suspend my usual expectations for a book, namely that it make internal sense and have some tenuous connection to an external reality. So let me say instead that I can, but I wish I couldn’t.

  131. Prof. F Camping says:

    OT just got an ad on my phone for that Raising McCain crap. Has anybody watched it?

    • Blowjobs by Bravo says:

      I just saw what was posted on here one day. She, like JA, tries too hard and like Greasy Mesh Shirt, is still riding daddy’s coattails.

    • juliaspublicist cried his rhinestone off juliaspublicist says:

      I watched the episode online and it was so juvenile and annoying. She swears so much and she swears it makes her look like a bad ass.

  132. Expert Gay says:

    “Anything I’ve already done, any appearance I’ve already made, is fairly easy tosecure again with a new project.”

    Somehow I doubt that.

    • Documentary Series says:

      Every job I’ve been fired from is fairly easy to get hired for again.

      Every ex (or family member of an ex 🙂 LOL) who has taken out a restraining order on me, can be fairly easily counted on to welcome me with open arms.

      Any magazine who let me write an unreadable “column” that I rarely bothered to hand in, for their website, as part of a sponsorship deal with Bravo, and in doing so humiliated themselves and lost readers, would love to pay me my stated rate of $4/word to write for their print magazine.

  133. How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

    Maybe this has already been asked & answered, & I just missed it, but … what is up w/ D0nkey’s google results? She’s not only cleaned house, she’s managed to put the kabosh on current things (such as many current RBD comments) showing up …

    All part of her master plan to re-write herstory, I get that, but how did she pull it off?

    • countmeindaisy says:

      There are services such as BrandYourself.com that will bury links that you classify as negative. I have the free version, for networking purposes, but since Donk buys Twatter followers, she’d probably subscribe to the premium services there as well.

    • Albie Quirky says:

      RBD comes up as the fifth result for me.

      • countmeindaisy says:

        Yeah, it takes them awhile to bury some links, and a while to elevate those you deem “positive”. It’s very smart thinking, if you can make it work for you. With all her negative links though, I have my doubts anything can repair page 1 of her google results.

        • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

          I’ve been noticing it for awhile now … for instance: you can C&P vanilla text from an RBD comment & there it is, in google results, but C&P text from an RBD comment of a same thread that specifically has her name in it … it never sees the light of day … she couldn’t bury RBD, so she’s doing the next best thing.

          I’m disenchanted to learn that scam artists have a work-around.

          • countmeindaisy says:

            It’s a double edged sword. For my part, I just wanna make sure nothing fucks me over should I get published in the future. But for idiots like HER….

          • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

            LOL

            [img]http://i40.tinypic.com/jicfw5.png[/img]

  134. Reeks of desperate tutus says:

    (Further observations & questions)

    Global – by all means, use ampersands liberally. Because you have too many big ideas to have time to write “and”. Important concepts linked with “&” such as veggies & tofu; actress & YouTube star; fantasies & expressions

    p.27 suggests further brand extensions, presumably after her 20th successful global reprinting, including “Experiments in Home.” This is IDENTICAL to the idea for G. Rubin’s second book, Happier at Home. The shamelessness of the ripoff is breathtaking.

    p.28 The chapter titles reminded me of something. Racking brain . . . What is it . . . What is it? I got it! GOOP. (“Make” “Go” “Get” etc.)

    p.31 – (entire paragraphs are wholly in parentheses) (How can this be?)

    p.37 TED talks are easily “the most popular videos out there.” Really? this seems unsubstantiated. I thought it was airplane crashes, animals playing together on youtube, and/or porn.

    p.48 – does anyone else doubt that if donk’s friends in high school made fun of her nose bump, it was because she endlessly complained about her own nose bump and overtly planned to have plastic surgery?

    p.53 – Donk, no one plays Angry Birds anymore. It’s all Candy Crush, all. the. time. And was such before your “detox.”

    p.56 – Am comforted by Teach for America’s hiring standards.

    p.59 – i said Kierkegaard and spelled it right and everything. Thmart.

    p.60 – i have heard of waiting for Godot. And spelled it right and everything. Thmart.

    p.63 – I know when I’m at a cocktail party, I always make it a practice to ask the stranger I’m speaking with to “tell me their wisdom.” It always puts them immediately at ease.

    I just cannot with this person.

    • juliaspublicist cried his rhinestone off juliaspublicist says:

      So what is your wisdom? Don’t leave me hanging. I’ve only skimmed this bish. The over 600+ comments tell me that’s all I needed to do.

      • Reeks of desperate tutus says:

        My wisdom, such as it is, is: live your life. Mostly privately. Or, if in the limelight, with the benefit or hard work and expertise to back up putting yourself out there. Not, “I consider myself an expert in many fields” (tee hee!) (p.57). Be a straight shooter. Don’t lie about yourself or your credentials. Credibility in any professional endeavor is everything. And, most importantly, don’t screw people over. Karma isn’t magic. It’s a different way of saying, you reap what you sow.

  135. Dr. Gary says:

    There is a weird, old-timey *tone* present throughout her ‘proposal’. Couldn’t quite put my finger on it, then it hit me: like an old Jewish comic playing the Catskills/Borscht Belt back in the 1940s/1950s.

    You know that campy stand up humor, e.g. ‘take my wife, please!’ or ‘my wife has a keen sense of humor. The more I humor her, the better.’? Like that. But not funny.

    • John C. Farrar says:

      She is one-quarter Jewish, yes? Maybe that could explain the Henny Youngman asides in the form of parentheticals, hoofnotes, and strikethroughs? Wish I could find that scene from ANNIE HALL in which Alvy gets his first gig, writing for a loud, braying Catskills comedian, and Alvy’s recollection begins, “What an asshole. Thinks he’s real cute clomping around … “

      • Dichotomy Trope (Queen Neferteeri) says:

        No. She’s not Jewish. It’s something she lies about when it suits her whims and delusions.

  136. juliaspublicist cried his rhinestone off juliaspublicist says:

    So wait. One of her sample chapters is just a rehash of her gimme pig of love column? She couldn’t even write new material for a sample chapter?

    • Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

      I am pretty sure just about every Gimme Pig of Love column is in that proposal in some shape or form.

      • Dyspeptic says:

        Just about everything she’s ever written about or babbled about on TV is in that proposal in some (mis)shape or form.

  137. experiments in footnotes (and parenthesis) says:

    page 23

    “We will create a meme.”

    • Nosferatu-tu says:

      We will create a MeMe.

      ftfy!

      And don’t forget the “spreadable messages”. For an example of this, see Gawker fauxtoshoot in lingerie on old guy’s lap! (Paging Dr Gary: eyebleach required in this comment, stat)

  138. Devin's Shiny Crocs (Base Model Edition) says:

    The one thing in all of the madness of this book proposal that has been making me chortle all day is the fact that she wants 20 weddings. I always imagined the monstrosity that a Julia Allison wedding would be. But never, in my wildest dreams, would I have come up with the concept of multiple weddings. Although, it makes perfect sense for her. It is breathtaking, really, in the magnitude of disorder it shows. It takes a truly deranged person to conceive of such a thing.

    I know a narcisst who was ridiculous at her wedding. I’m sure we all have heard of enough Bridezilla stories to fill a book in its own right. Yet, the idea of 20 weddings takes the cake. Twenty. Weddings. That is true commitment to NPD.

  139. Dances with Hooves says:

    I feel weird nitpicking this when there are so many fucking nits to pic, but I’m just going with this one for tonight. Looking beyond the whole blaring “This is How Not to Write a Book Proposal” thing, the Kristen Stewart comment was so stupid, cliche and douchey. How the fuck do you know whether or not another human is “happy”? Because you haven’t seen them licking cakes and jumping mid-air for the camera, that means they are not happy? Always trivializing others’ lives, but somehow her own life and her moronic idiosyncrasies are of global importance. She has snapped. This book proposal is the fake mic flag that is her life.

    • A-Game Content says:

      It really bothered me, too. Writing that about Stewart really shows that Donks thinks that women in the limelight should smile and have a pageant act. Nevermind that Stewart often shows visible sign of anxiety, shaking and biting her nails on the red carpet for example. No, according to A Donkey, Happiness Expert, Stewart should put on a different authenticity costume and swan about, because if she doesn’t, then she must not be happy.

      There’s no awareness, no ability to analyze, and no recognition that happiness can come from many things. Julia’s idea of happiness is narrow, much like her idea of a woman’s place in the world. She is just not able to understand that someone may be happy without jumping around like a lunatic in a park doing terrible ballet-leaps, wearing a winter hat and tutu and clutching her terrified dog. Thuch happineth! Likewise, she is simply unable to understand that Stewart may derive happiness from the craft of acting, but may be anxious or not buy into the woman-on-red-carpet-as-commodity objectification. Thuch a feminitht!

      There, Donkey, you made me defend Kristen Stewart. Ugh.

      • Dichotomy Trope (Queen Neferteeri) says:

        Or she just thought that mentioning Kristen Stewart makes her sound hip and relevant.

    • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

      It’s like when Julia Allison brayed this to her purchased Twitter followers:

      @JuliaAllison: HOW COULD ANYONE CHEAT ON SANDY BULLOCK??!?? What the EFF?!!!!!!

      Pretty!!! Actress!!! Nooo!!! Bad things shouldn’t happen to pretty girls!!!

      Uhm, clueless asshat much, Julia Allison? You are so far removed from reality, & self-loathing to boot, all of which makes you the least-qualified person to look towards for advice on happiness.

  140. The Normal Healthy Julia says:

    My favorite part is the “My tech team, in a possible joint project with my friend Brit Morin of Brit.co, the Martha Stewart of the Facebook Generation, will create aniPhone/Android app that includes all of the exercises from the book…”

    Meaning, “I haven’t yet asked the wife of the man I flirt inappropriately with, but I’m so sure she’ll help me with this project!”

  141. G$ Paddleboat to Hell (R.I.P) says:

    Ugh. I’m going to read all your comments because I am fat, sad, and a hater and have 2-3 lbs of Cheetos dust to ingest by licking my fingers and pressing it into the mound I’ve collected. However. I just finished reading that….whatever that thing is, and I’m struck by two things. First, setting quality aside, that took a lot of work, and for that I am going to give Our Bray-dy of Introspection a slow clap. You tried hard, Julia! Keep doing this and the output will improve each time.
    Second: my heart hurts a little. That was a manic, desperate parade that is violently scrabbling to keep the inner curtain down on the fact that Momsers and Dadsers were not interested in Julia Baugher during her formative years and that she has internalized the shit out of that. It’s not an excuse–she’s an adult and the time for blaming mommy and daddy without taking appropriate therapeutic action has come and gone–but ugh. That really fucking sucks. The good news, Miss Julia, is that this is easily remedied. Get thee to a therapist. A real, doctor one who can prescribe medication to help you calm down enough to take a step back and stop the unceasing parade of shit that you manufacture to avoid dealing with the fact that you weren’t loved enough. You obviously weren’t. I’ll validate that, though I do not in any way condone you taking it out in the most hideous ways on the people in your life.
    This is fixable, Julia. Happiness is available to you. Just not via the route you’re choosing.

Comments are closed.