Derpin Fails to Adhere To Donks’ Interminable Checklist


Great, big, stupid, fat head Julia Allison is not one for understatement. Just check out her Rahajalamadingdong jewelry collection if you don’t believe me. Even drag queens say it’s a bit much, sweetheart. Yet, an understatement led to one of the funniest moments in the greatest documentary series in the history of terrible, meaningless, quickly forgotten things. While reciting the selfish, unrealistic and largly unimportant demands that made up her aren’t-I-quirky checklist, she read,”42. Has a close knit, fun, intelligent, interesting family who loves me,” before trailing off under her breath, “because I’ve had families that didn’t like me, tra-la-heehaw.”

And how! One family member punched her in the face for stealing her boyfriend’s credit card. She traded blog drama with the mother of another boyfriend when she claimed that people over 40 shouldn’t blog, because OMGGROSS! That mother found refuge in these very threads. (Come back REDACTOMOM! We miss you.) A prominent ambulence-chaser and his wife immediately caught a wiff of scam-artist hosebeast reaking from Donkey’s pores and put the kibosh on Donkey accompanying a certain Prom King for an Italian wedding. Another mother opted against CIA rendition and chose to educate the world on the art of shade via book recommendations and empty platitudes. And her high school boyfriend’s parents issued a restraining order against her because Donkey made banging their son some sort of slutty political crusade.

See? Understatement.

And despite her protestations that her dignity and muscle tone-lacking remedial line cook of a boyfriend met everyone of her stringent qualifications, it’s become increasingly clear that poor Derpin will never meet #42, no matter how hard he tries. Because his father, Mark Stetler, American hero, clearly thinks the bloated woman-child his son brought home that one time is a stupid, stupid bitch.

In response to this asshole justification…

Screen shot 2013-06-19 at 12.37.12 AM


…Daddy Stetler posted this:

Screen shot 2013-06-20 at 12.17.29 PM


Oh, Donkey, it doesn’t take a senate seat or billions of dollars to peg you for a spoiled, selfish twat. And if indeed you have been dumped by Derpin, find consolation in this: His daddy didn’t like you anyway.


  1. I enjoy her assumption that everyone is exactly like her, or that just because SHE’S always getting it wrong everyone else is, too, or that she can speak for all Amurrican culture, or that, in fact, Amurrican culture is homogeneous.

    Newsflash, Badonkadonk, some of us have already figured out how to do it “right,” and it involves getting a job, paying your own bills, and not stalking your exes.

    • What? Weird. I thought it was reverse Oscar Wilding your face on national TV and assaulting others in varying forms and degrees. No? Ok then. DOIN IT RONG I guess.

    • Her constant generalizations are so annoying. I have a fucking job that practically forces us to take vacations. I went to Paris guilt-free because I paid for it and I earned it. AND I had a massage after my flight, which I paid for myself, and it didn’t feel selfish at all. And then I jetted off to New York for 10 days I went right back to work, because I have responsibilities.

      • Her generalizations grate because she obviously doesn’t have any actual experience and doesn’t know what the hell she’s pontificating about.

    • OMFG, yeah. I had to read it a few times to make sure.. absolutely sure.. yes, ladies and gentlemen, that was a subtle but devastating world-class Z I N G. Bravo, Pappy Seltzer.

  2. I feel like her post is directed at Devin in relation to him likely telling her that a) she is too self-absorbed, b) needs to get a real job, c) is being a hateful bitch or d) all of the above. Her response of “I just need to get massages and yoga and treat myself!” then being shut down masterfully by Daddy Stetler who’s all, “yo, if you were a normal nice person with a work ethic then all that would be fine. But you’re not.”

    • Exactly…how do you take a break for taking a break? I would be bored to tears with her life, she has no sense of direction, no thoughts of her own-she is an aimless face shifter.

  3. Julia Allison
    32 minutes ago
    Off to NYC! — at Los Angeles International Airport (LAX).

    No mention of how much she’ll miss her man, or he made her a special egg vomit breakfast or dropped her off at the airport. On the plus side, I guess the homeless slap heard round the Chicago lake house got her a free airline ticket.

    • She’s stopped mentioning who she’s crashing with in nyc. I hope she visits Michael Ellsberg for some special relationship counseling while she’s here….

      • Michael Ellsberg will dance around her in a mesh shirt and everything will be okay.

        • They’ll both post something ineffably derp on Vimeo at, say, 3:51 AM when they are congruently tweaking.

        • They should visit this page as a much needed tutorial for change but high on their own fumes will come here and challenge rational thinking with new age, jobless wonder blatherings.

      • Reverse JFAing here, but by the end of her visit, He Who Dances With Meshness will appear here.

        TRUST, as her bestie Megan Alagna would say.

    • So, is she stuffing that poor dog in a bag & under her hooves for the flight, or has she once again dumped @LillyDog off on someone? Cuz I’m imagining D0nkey showing up at someone’s NYC apt w/ dog in tow, & not leaving for all of ten days when her host only extended an offer of a couch for a weekend …

    • “Homeless slap heard round the Chicago lake house” has me chuckling, indefagitably, as the bag in my SECOND microwave swells with fresh popped corn.

    • She is also definitely trying to get her hooks into someone else. If she was trying to keep her claws in her current relationship there would be a few desperate mentions of Devin. She is trying to portray herself as footloose and fancy-free right now.

      PS I bet her walking Lilly the other night was as fictional as the homeless punch.

      • Tim Sykes? Tim Ferret? Tim Teufel?

          • Are we ruling out the possibility that she is looking into highjacking the husband of the very goddess who taught her to pleasure herself?

            (Totally fabricated blind item!)

          • My god, I would kill for Sex Gargoyle & Sausage Snappers to get together! That said, this has truly made me ponder if Donkey could downgrade from Devin and the answer is yes: Michael Ellsberg.

  4. I must be Meghannaise-level stupid, because I read the quote he posted as backing her up.

    • So did I. He’s saying that doing you shouldn’t have to justify making life a little more beautiful by, for instance, buying a new pair of shoes. Can someone interpret that differently?

      • Make that three cat ladies who read Daddy S’s post as a Julia endorsement.

      • That’s exactly what he is saying, but Donkey is constantly bragging or trying to justify her happiness by posting shit online. Christ she was braying about her European vacation on Facebook for four months. He’s basically saying, oh shut the fuck up already.

      • I took it as-this is who you are so quit complaining when people call you out for being that way. Quasi endorsement quasi quit whining…100% same as his son.

    • I read it as the complete opposite. As in stop trying to justify your lazy, pathetic life… if you’re truly happy simply own it. No one can make you feel inferior without your consent kind of thing so simply go out there and be without all of the excuses and explanations.

      • I think the fact that she didn’t like his comment speaks volumes. Note that the quote also includes the key words “healthy” and “from time to time.”

        • O.K., Meghannaise moment over. The no FB like convinced me.

          • I had a similar initial moment of confusion just because he seems so nice and because I figured he might not have up the the minute updates on Julia and Devin’s relationship. Although, really, that quote is a really nice way of telling an NPD lunatic to get their head out of their ass. The lack of like was the telltale sign.

          • Whether a beau’s parents are a humble couple from Modesto or a celebrity strategic partnership eyeing the presidency, they indeed all never the donkey.

    • I think sometimes our dislike of Julia improperly colors how we view everything around her. In this case, I think Stetler’s comment is one of approval, not passive-aggressive ridicule.

    • Agreed. In fact I’m having a hard time finding a way to interpret as anything but agreement.

      • Maybe I’m wrong here, but I saw it as the exact opposite. He comments frequently on her posts. I was going to go find more of them to see if there was a pattern, but I didn’t feel like wasting time digging. But it’s clear he pays attention to what she posts on Facebook and the quote he posted describes the exact opposite of Julia’s behavior.

    • I don’t think he was so much smacking her down, or backing her up.. I think he was just pointing our her plagiarism and lack of crediting the source of her babble.

  5. This piece was amazeballs – she is simmering at LAX at having her past – and exes parents hatred of her so perfectly boiled down.

    I wonder when the exact moment was for Debbie when he went from LOLawyer, “I must shit RBD down” to… “Um, er oops, they’re right about everything!”

    • The moment he had to pay for something and realized she was broke.

  6. She might as well take that item about his family liking her off her list, because none ever do.

    Seriously, what is there to like? She’s selfish, manipulative, loud, obnoxious, not that interesting, mean, and often embarrassing to be around. Just look at the collages on either side of the text here if you doubt that last item.

    • I mean, what parent would want that for his or her son?

  7. Paging Albie: Cousin Andrea. What is her deal again? Is she some kind of self-help weirdo? I notice Donk always spends time with her when she’s going through a breakup. She was with Andrea in the final days of Coronado. And now out for lunch with her yesterday.

    This from a decade ago — funny how nothing’s changed. Still psycho after all these years!

    • “I don’t pretend to have the panacea for painful breakups. At least, not one that’s legal.” What is she referring to here? Murder? What a creep.

      I think in her younger days, Julia was a lot more successful as a writer because she was able to pass off her nuttiness as immaturity/youthfulness. Also, I think Momsers must have written the last part: “But maybe, if we’re smart, we take our break-ups and learn something from each of them. We compile them in our minds and draw conclusions, maybe change our behavior, maybe change our environment, maybe become a better person … or maybe just marvel that we were lucky (or crazy) enough to fall in love in the first place.” LOL!

    • Yes! She is a bullgoose loony grifter woo woo nutcase. She and Julie are as peas in a crazy self-indulgent pod.

    • Did they pay cash, or leverage themselves to the max? I’ve known plenty of people who are “house rich and cash poor.”

      If they were throwing much coin Donkey’s way, she wouldn’t have been constantly hustling to rent out her rental apartment and her low-level leased car. She’d be bragging about her designer clothes, designer bags (not musty hand-me-downs from her grandmother’s attic), designer shoes, expensive jewelry.

      The Boogers shell out enough to keep her from being homeless and hungry, but not enough to pretend to be the heiress she’s desperate to be.

      • I doubt they needed to leverage themselves to buy it. Their own house was probably paid off years ago, as a partner, Dadsers would pull in over $500,000 a year, plus he probably pulls in money for speaking engagements, and it doesn’t sound like they travel a lot or blow money in other ostentatious ways. I’ll bet she’s pissed they hassle her at all to get a job — she probably just thinks they should put her on some kind of permanent payment plan. If she isn’t already.,32893/

        • I thought it was previously established that he’s one of quite a few partners in a rather middling firm. Given all of the salaries and other costs, he may be making about half that, at most.

          No matter what he’s making, it’s obvious he’s not funding Donkey’s pretense of being a jet-setting heiress.

          • I think you established that, because you seem invested in believing they are not upper middle class but are mere plebes. I thought someone at some point figure he was worth about $700,000 a year in income, though don’t know who/when.

          • I never said they aren’t upper middle class, just that they’re not upper class. If you’re going to go after me, at least do it for shit I said, not what you make up.

          • Whatevsies. You’re the only one who seems to routinely take great offence at the suggestion these people have serious money (and that Donk isn’t obese). Maybe in your world, they don’t, but for the rest of us, owning two million-dollar homes and a condo in downtown Chicago, probably outright, is borderline wealthy, never mind upper class. My point simply is that pretty princess is probably furious that they don’t completely bankroll her to live in the style to which she believes she is entitled.

          • Once again, I have never said that she’s obese. So if you have an issue with anything I say, why not stick with what I’ve actually said, instead of what makes for good fight fodder?

          • Sorry, should have said “pudgy” “fattie” “bloated,” etc. Lots of that. Not fight-picking, I just have never thought this loon was remotely fat, even at her heaviest, and consider anyone owning three million-dollar homes upper class to say the least.

          • You seriously think she doesn’t look significantly bigger than she did a few years ago, when she was posing in her underwear on that old coot’s lap?

            I’m not all that impressed by her parents’ multiple home ownership, given the possibility of them being “house rich, cash poor.”

            I’m not saying that they are in that situation, but I’ve known plenty of people who were. They all had impressive homes — furnished on the cheap and these people seemed to have few, if any, other expensive assets.

            I don’t think it’s unreasonable to assume that maybe her parents sunk much of their money into multiple homes, and that’s why they’re not overtly extravagant in any other manner.

          • I think her weight fluctuates, but she is tiny in that vacation bikini photo, and I don’t think she’s ever been fat. Not even close.

            And I don’t assume the Baughers are house-poor. He seems frugal and not like someone who would allow them to over-extend themselves, especially well into their 60s. Doesn’t seem that kind of dude. And so yeah, three million-dollar properties in or near one of the biggest cities in North America, two of them on prime lakefront? They’re in the one per cent and then some.

          • Yet their house is known here for its lack of decor. And we all know that if they had any antiques or high-end furnishings or art, she’d have posted a shit ton of pics.

          • It’s the fact that they don’t have that shit that makes me believe they are frugal and he would never put them in a debt situation in their 60s. Some of the richest people I know do not shell out big bucks for furnishings, cars, fancy vacations. They store it all away and/or invest it.

          • And tiny in that bikini photo? Not a whale, but flabby as hell and totally unattractive.

    • At first I thought it was the second house on that house tour people have been posting about around here, but apparently it’s their own home, which confuses the hell out of me, because Baughers can’t decorate.

  8. OMG not sure how much I can share but I want to so badly

    I am going to find out more very very soon but just heard some things direct from the source, what she’s done to Debbie (yes some of us friends call him that among ourselves) is even worse than Jack. I try to stay out of things these days but if enough people have heard anyway then I can share…

      • Guess: She snooped through his shit in Europe. He said it was over when they got back. She physically assaulted him. He told her to get her stuff out of his place as soon as she could. She’s Chicago-bound.

        • I agree with much of that, but maybe not the snooping. Unlike Pancakes, I can’t imagine Derpin having women around him. But I agree she did something heinous in Europe, assaulted him, and was kicked out on her raft ass.

          Maybe he caught her trying to OBO? Maybe she was offering sex to some guy?

        • It’s always the big events – bicostal birthcray, weddings – that send Donkey’s compadres fleeing into the night.

        • We crytal balled that shit aka following patterns of a sociopath. That tweet about boyfriend blowing her away was so transparent. I believe I had the over under one week after trip…who had on the trip?

          • I may not have posted it but I thought the trip coud do them in. I feel something clearly happened between them at the OMG wedding or right afterward. I don’t believe for a moment that she did not find some way to put him down in front of others there or go out of her way to get her flirt on with all those wealthy people there.

            Not to say Debbie was blameless in this either as he sees weddings as networking opportunities and is known to be kind of a dolt in person.

        • Ha! I was going to say when I read above I orgasmed in my pants but I was trying to be a lady.

          Currently: canceling all plans and going to a coffee shop where the internet connection is stronger!

        • GURL WAT[img]!.gif[/img]

        • I’ve been wondering if she’s been staying in a hotel lately instead of him. She has to jump on a plane because she is LITERALLY homeless.

          I’m guessing those 2x 2 nights in LA will fall off the calendar.

          • Maybe she crashed with her loony cousin, which is why she was lunching with her. That’s a possibility.

          • OMG how will we sleep now with all this excitement!!!?? It’s like Santa Donk is coming!!!

          • Ugh. That gif reminds me of the sex I had one time in college with a tiny Asian body builder.

    • Krista, in real life I’m close to some people in Julia’s circles and have been a tipster via email to the mods before. They are incredibly discreet and are very good about protecting sources.

      There’s a lot of speculation going on and it’d be good to know the truth!

      • Agree with Sad Rat 100%. The mods are trustworthy and really clever at concealing tipsters’ identities. At least, that’s what a little birdie told me.

        Also, thanks, JP for ringing me! I’m here, lurking, most every day.

    • Krista: I have been a source to Jacy and JP several times and they have always protected me so that my identity could not be traced. You can trust them.

    • Another thing to note, if she is indeed having a break-up meltdown, I guarantee you that she is not shutting up about it and is telling everyone who would listen.

        • In which case she’s spinning furiously to somehow make herself the victim.

          • She already spun and done that one-the ‘homeless man smackdown’ was to offset the assault on that handsome Devil (see what I did there? once donkey is done we are nice to her victims.)

  9. There are alot of things. Lilly, “Debbie”, ruining weddings, parent fall out, tipping off press, looking for a job to save face in Chicago, just lots of things, I could say but it might not be till next weekend. Until the storm passes if you know what I mean. There may be a full inbox for you. People who know a lot and worked day to day up close are in a different place in life


    • Her parents hate him. I mean, sorry Debbie, it’s not really a reflection on you — but in their eyes, you were no Pancakes McCain.

        • It says “parent fall out” so I guessed it was more likely to come from her side than his.


          • I assumed that “parent fall out” meant a fallout between Julia and her parents, not necessarily over Devin.

          • I share your pain! But I bet it’s his church-going parents, both with an apparent work ethic, who hate her.

          • I thought it meant they are sick of paying for their grown daughter. Not funding the Tour de Bore, not getting her an ‘epic’ place to live where she can brag hours on end about, that would be my guess. Just a guess though.

    • No need to tip it all at once. Just a little at a time if you prefer to do it that way. But you will be protected and shielded like we’re the Ecuadoran embassy. No worries AT all. And be sure to spread the word to others. We have had seriously high-profile tipsters, including some very close to JA, and she doesn’t have a clue that they were tipsters. If Debbie is your source, even better. She’s made no friends among his friends.

      Many of those close to JA have tipped us off because they were so freaked out about her behavior, and so hoping that a public shaming might actually force her to get help and/or to stop harassing them and their friends/loved ones. Hasn’t worked, obviously, but their aims were actually true.

    • I wonder if she acted out at Meagan Mark ‘s wedding. There is only one photo of Debbie and Donkey that day – him lifting her up, besides that, it’s her running around the wedding and sleeping under rugs.

      I wonder if she lost her shit in every way.

      • Too many sips, got drunk, brayed, disgraced herself then fell asleep under rugs perhaps?

        When the photo first surfaced, I thought “Funny – who sleeps at a wedding?”

      • Yes, I am very curious. I imagine Julia is busy finessing the wording for this breakup announcement to death. The McCain one was special: “This is an amicable heartbreak. As silly as it feels to write that out. We will stay friends, absolutely.”

    • No more tip teasing, sack up. Or is this actually donkey toying with us?

  10. “The first thing I do wherever I arrive in a new place is Yelp: 1) a yoga studio & 2) a green juice bar. #IfTheHippieShoesFit”

    Her latest tweet is giving me the rage…. bitch you lived in NYC for years! You didn’t shut the fuck up about yoga and juice and Liquiteria or whatthefuck ever. You’re not in a new place! So fucking dumb.

    • Trying to prove how enlightened and centered she is amid the latest amicable heartbreak…

    • Don’t be so hard on Donks.

      Donkeys are herbivores, a juice bar is the perfect place for a donkey.

      And if you are looking for a replacement boyfriend, a yoga class is a great way to meet hot guys.


    • Yeah, I always see “hippies” at yoga class and in juice bars. #MoreLikeSoccerMoms

      Also, hippies always have plastic hair extensions, red lipstick, and pink suede stripper shoes, right? And drive Mercedes?

  11. Sorry if this was discussed in a previous thread but looks like she found a company to lease her car from the airport (orwhateverthefuck). The co tweeted at her to see how it was going and, no surprise, wahhhh Princess Pelts is unhappy.

    @JuliaAllison: @Drive_Hubber – so far I don’t like it much! I can’t get the UI to work properly – I needed to change my dates & couldn’t 🙁

    Wonder why she had to change her dates……….

  12. She’s tweeting thexy things at some dude who posted a pic of himself without a shirt.


    Predictable donkey is predictable.

    • lol, that’s the dude who was supposed to give derpin alpha male fitness training (julie’s christmas present). never happened.

        • Or the sound of him screaming, as he flees into the night.

      • Maybe he is the dude she’s got in her sights. In fact, maybe she’s already had a go at him. And Derpin found out? Yes? No? Why would this guy do a donkey, never mind, forget I mentioned it.

        Julia Allison shared a link.
        June 5
        If you only read one article today, this is the one you should choose. (by the brilliant, NY bestselling author of Alpha 2.0, my friend John Romaniello)

        Embrace the suck!

        Embrace the Suck – Roman Fitness Systems
        Roman expounds on his thoughts on skill acquisition, emotional development, and why you should do things you’re bad at.
        Like · Share

  13. I so want to send Ellsberg a blank email with the subject line: “She’s ‘changed,’ huh?”

    • If he came here again, he’d just accuse us of reveling in the breakup and hoping their relationship would fail instead of focusing on her heinous behavior and how she ruins everything she touches.

      • Which would be incredibly off base as most of us would give a limb to witness Princess Pelts’ Pretty Pink Parade down the aisle toward a man who failed her asinine checklist like 10th grade trig.

  14. she’s blubbering about Russell Brand on FB.. yawn. I want to hear about ruined weddings.

    • She’s also tweeting about Yelping green juice bars and yoga studios whenever she goes to a new place. #fauxhippiebullshit Um. Didn’t she used to live in New York. Doesn’t she go all the time. Shouldn’t she know where to go? Did she really beat her boyfriend?

      • She did the “green juice” “yoga” “hippie” stuff when she had her eyes on Andrew Bancroft (Jelly D)… who… lives in NYC now (rut-roh).

        She’s after some health conscious wallet for sure.

    • I’ve said this before, but if u like in the loop check out the British tv series Th Thick of it. Same writers, characters and cast of the British side of In the Loop. There are five seasons on Hulu. It’s awesome.

      • Just starting to watch it.

        Also — The Hour. It was great, with McNulty!

        Also — The Trip. If none of you have seen that film, with Steve Coogan, I beg of you to watch it. One of my favorite movies ever. Must have seen it five times.

        • Ew! Always the lone wolf, I guess, but man did I think that The Trip sucked d0nkey ballz. Bleh!

  15. Oh my goodness, how delightful.

    I really thought I posted that Bingo card the other day way too prematurely, but I’ve got three aquares already:

    1. Writing a Happiness Book= Square: “Never so Happy, so blessed”
    2. Krista the tipster= Square: “Devin’s family member contacts RBD (friend is close enough?)
    3. “…Ish,” +yoga= Square: “Tweets from a new personality”

  16. Since she claims Dervin was the only reason she didn’t give in to Bravo when they BEGGED her to come back, does this mean their breakup has paved the way for season two of Miss Advised?

    We all know she lies, but I’d love one of her frenemies to ask her this on FB or Twitter. Such a fucking shameless liar.

  17. Something stinks in Donkmark …

      • & an immediate refresh reveals 110,611 …

        I hope this means a new reality shitshow is in the making!

        • 110,616 …

          Hey, I’m hitting the road here in a few … will someone else maybe catch some screamgrabs of @MuliaMallison’s meteoric rise to mediocrity today, assuming that’s what’s going on here?

          • 110, 626 Srsly, she’s jumping 3-5 new fake followers ever few minutes. LOL, D0nkey, you are such a transparent hosebeast.

          • Ima predict that lolyers were involved & D0nkey won the hard-fought battle to reinstate all of her previously lost Fans in the ‘Stans ….

            Will today cap out at around more than 132,600+ ?

          • [img][/img]


          • So much cheaper than therapy, just buy followers to bolters self esteem instead of actually working out the problems. OH donk-a doodle doo, will you ever learn?

    • I don’t get why this is a big deal. We know she does this and that it clearly has no impact on her status. Any savvy employer would know to check for fake names, and that’s if they even get beyond the lulzy motherlode a websearch of her name provides them.

      • Because it’s so ineffective and she still insists on doing it. She is that concerned trying to create the impression that she’s famous and influential and it’s so sadly transparent.

  18. Yup, she’s buying twitter followers again. Holy crap is this chick a lunatic.

    As for the tipster, I’ll believe it when there’s something concrete on the table. Derpin wasn’t like the other past victims. He was barely a victim. He had every reason to know her entire history. He willingly and seemingly happily participated in her craziest crap. I have a hard time having any sympathy for this dolt. He’s one of the grifter crew.

    • I see him more as a perfect grifter mark more than a part of their crew. He’s a dim bulb and a hick wannabe who enjoyed connecting with all her high rolling friends. I have some sympathy for him but it’s limited. Before meeting her, he probably sat around feces loft playing worlds of Warcraft 24/7 between menial web development jobs.

      • JFa’ing to say I really wish there was an edit button sometimes so I could fix my lazy-ass writing mistakes.

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