Anyone with even the vaguest familiarity with Julia Allison would arrive to the conclusion that she is as stupid as she looks.
But be wary. Making such a superficial judgment disarms you, leaving you vulnerable to the overpowering force of Julia’s boundless intellectual capacity. Remember, this is the woman who pioneered female entrepreneurship at an impossibly early age, provoking existential frenzy within a scientific community that was forced to question the full breadth of knowledge amassed in the field of biology. This is the also same woman who revolutionized post-secondary education when she made the assertion — considered controversial at the time but now universally accepted — that a collection of hats, tote bags and sweat shirts bearing the names of Ivy League schools (or MIT, if you’re slumming it) is equal in weight to actually holding a degree from an Ivy League institution, thus single-handedly solving the student debt crisis and saving the American economy from impending doom. This is one smart gluten-free cookie we’re dealing with here.
Now I know what you’re thinking: “Quit yanking my dick, JP. This is the same demented dolt who feels that having an affinity for rainbows and colors begin-parenthesis bright end-parenthesis necessitates an itemized, handwritten reminder. She believes Kraft Foods is the official provider of ALL THE SERVICES. And she runs in circles — no, not tech circles or media circles, not anymore — ACTUAL CIRCLES FOR FUN!
“And when Forrest Gump told her that life was like a box of chocolates, she binged her way through the entire chocolate aisle at Whole Foods thinking that she would eventually bite into some rich dude possessing 88 specific qualities who would marry her.”
I would have to concede, that, yes, it would appear on the surface that Julia Allison was a person who required protective head gear at all times, and I would admonish you because you shouldn’t make fun of those people. And then I would say you’d be stupid to underestimate her.
Julia possesses the wisdom to know that knowledge holds no value unless it’s shared. Fortunately for us she has the generosity to BLAM(!) us with her tho sthamrtz via Facebook, the wellspring of creativity.
Here Dr. Donkey encourages us to embrace our inner TOWANDA (<< CLICK ON THE LINK, DAMMIT! IT IS THE SOLE REASON I WROTE THIS POST!) by schooling us on the healthful benefits of rebounding, the adult equivalent of jumping on a trampoline like a goddamn idiot.
Health Recommendation: Has anyone ever tried a rebounder? I did some research on rebounding when I was still living in NYC and found www.QiBounding.com had the best rebounders – and have had a pink rebounder from QiBounding ever since. I try to jump every single morning – it’s amazing for your joints and your lymph system.
The rhythmic bouncing motion of rebounding stimulates the lymph fluid’s circulation throughout the body. Lymph fluid – which you have twice as much of as blood – acts as the body’s metabolic garbage disposal system and is directly related to the immune system. Here’s the catch: the lymph system does not have a pump (like the blood has the heart) and only moves when you move.
Rebounding, which is all about movement, gives your lymphatic system and therefore your immune system a fantastic boost. and has a harmonizing influence on your thyroid at the same time.
There, there. Take a minute to recover from your mind explosion. Here you thought that, all this time, because we human beings were incapable of movement, piles of garbage has been building up within our bodies, crippling our disease-stricken species. It’s a wonder evolution hasn’t completely wiped us out! And there goes world-renowned immunologist Julia Allison curing AIDS and shit through her intense regimen of the laziest form of exercise possible. She spent all those painstaking hours locked up in a laboratory conducting cutting-edge medical research, and, despite all the personal sacrifices she made to her work (staving off marriage, etc.), she refused compensation from a company that shrinks trampolines and makes them less bouncy. Oh my! A great mind and benevolent spirit!
And when she’s not transforming hippie bullshit into scientific fact through her keyboard-clicking alchemy, she embarks on a searches for philosophical truth to nourish and expand her intellect. And when she finds that truth, she shares her discovery by turning the internet into an obnoxious dinner party hosted by a boorish elitist who reaches to liberal arts academia to justify the fact that she’s an asshole.
I just read this NYT piece, and sent an email, with the paragraphs below highlighted, to a friend of mine, with these thoughts:
” … this raises larger theoretical issues of ‘how we should be’ as people. I was a huge advocate of Peter Singer when I was in college (I had several ethics classes in which I read his seminal works on egalitarianism … he is one of the reasons I stopped eating meat.) But a decade later, I wonder at the practicality of what he preaches and tend to agree with Stephen Asma, that care for all is fabulous in theory – but in reality you are simply drained, a shell of a human being.
What is the answer, though?? A teeter-toter, back and forth between regard for strangers outside of your tribe and regard for your tribe? The older I get, the more I know, “saving the world” seems like a Sisyphean endeavor. Impossible, even … pointless. Like him, I tend to agree with Cicero.
What do you think?
—-
The Myth of Universal Love: http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/01/05/the-myth-of-universal-love/?src=me&ref=general
“Care is like sprint racing. It takes time — duration, energy, systemic warm-up and cool-down, practice and a strange mixture of pleasure and pain (attraction and repulsion). Like sprinting, it’s not the kind of thing you can do all the time. You will literally break the system in short order, if you ramp-up the care system every time you see someone in need. The nightly news would render you literally exhausted. The limbic system can’t handle the kind of constant stimulation that Rifkin and the cosmic love proponents expect of it. And that’s because they don’t take into account the biology of empathy, and imagine instead that care is more like a thought.
If care is indeed a limited resource, then it cannot stretch indefinitely to cover the massive domain of strangers and nonhuman animals. Of course, when we see the suffering of strangers in the street or on television, our heartstrings vibrate naturally. We can have contagion-like feelings of sympathy when we see other beings suffering, and that’s a good thing — but that is a long way from the kinds of active preferential devotions that we marshal for members of our respective tribes. Real tribe members donate organs to you, bring soup when you’re sick, watch your kids in an emergency, open professional doors for you, rearrange their schedules and lives for you, protect you, and fight for you — and you return all this hard work. Our tribes of kith and kin are “affective communities” and this unique emotional connection with our favorites entails great generosity and selfless loyalty. There’s an upper limit to our tribal emotional expansion, and that limit is a good deal lower than the “biosphere.”
For my purposes, I’ll stick with Cicero, who said, “society and human fellowship will be best served if we confer the most kindness on those with whom we are most closely associated.”
Now that makes you think, doesn’t it? Has Julia Allison wasted her life because of her tireless humanitarian efforts and her commitment to being a compassionate person. Apparently, the New York Times says so, so you’ll excuse her when she starts stabbing random homeless people for fun.
But Julia Allison is smart enough to know that she doesn’t know everything. And when she seeks further insight into something someone said — say, Gandhi, for instance — she looks around for someone of the same color to see if they agree.
I wonder what Annie Lalla thinks of this! (in the NYT – http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/01/05/the-myth-of-universal-love/?src=me&ref=general)
“Critiquing Gandhi’s recommendation — that we must have no close friendships or exclusive loves because these will introduce loyalty and favoritism, preventing us from loving everyone equally — Orwell retorted that “the essence of being human is that one does not seek perfection, that one is sometimes willing to commit sins for the sake of loyalty … and that one is prepared in the end to be defeated and broken up by life, which is the inevitable price of fastening one’s love upon other human individuals.”
It takes true intellect to know when to seek the wisdom of others. And here you thought Julia Allison was some pop-culturally illiterate idiot who obsesses about The Bachelor like it’s already gone out of style.
Who’s the idiot now? Clearly, Julia thinks you are, which is why she thinks she can get away with acting all cute and is pretending like she has never heard of the show before. It’s not like she wrote about the show, or stalked some dude who was on the show, or TRIED TO BE ON THE SHOW before. No, this genius has been too busy expanding her vocabulary with SAT words and reading Cicero.
AFF ! again just to be sure
Kathy Bates is everything. Everything.
This post is brilliant.
What a sad stupid asshole.
And now the link to http://juliaallison.com/articles/2006/01/sucked_into_the_bach.html doesn’t work : “this page no longer exists”
Of course she NEVER reads here, just a coincidence!
This one still works: http://juliaallison.com/sucked-into-8216the-bachelor8217am-new-york-the-dating-lifejanuary-16-2006by-julia-allisoni-have-to-admit-i8217ve-never-watched-the-bachelor-before-last-week-the-hormone-charged-fake-mansion-housed-ca/
Thanks!
A dollar sure makes Donkey Boo Boo holler — her paen to rebounding is lifted word-for-word from the website of the company she’s shilling for — and her deep ideas read like she ran out of mental fingers and toes.
No. Did she totally plagiarize it?
Peter singer would be appalled by Julia. I guarantee you he’d say that a bonobo (no, not the pants, Julia) is more evolved than the second date b.j. heiress of wilmette.
“Critiquing Gandhi’s recommendation … “
So Gandhi walked around a lot, without shoes. His feet had to be pretty beat to hell. And he constantly went on these hunger strikes, which leech nutrients and tend to make your breath TERRIBLE. I guess you could say he was a super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis.
p.s. D0NKEY!
Love this.
That Singer/Cicero crap sounds like something from a Whit Stillman movie.
Hey, not only is the rebounder amazing for your joints and your lymph system, it also makes you write endorsements Just. Like. Their. Webpage. !!!
Julia Allison, you’re just a griftery-ass, calf-implanted, plagiarizing hack.
I saw that too… she word for word lifted her intellectual rebounder-isms right off their web page without quoting or crediting them.
So smart! So blessed!
I was going to make a joke about rebounding curing cancer, then I clicked on that link and OH MY GOD, THEY IMPLY REBOUNDING CURES CANCER.
What I really want to know is why she’s creeping Jordan Reed’s RG page so much and how does Jordan feel about that??? I’m genuinely curious!
Damn, JP! This post was funnier than Jodie’s “I’m in, I’m out” acceptance speech as she genuflected towards life saver Mel. Rebounding? Christ, so faux spiritual Hollywoody. Julia as expert rebounder, advising Judd Apatow and other Brentwood shmoos on the art of the leap?
Yes, I feel like not enough people have commented on how this post displays exponentially more wit, insight, and awareness of basic grammar than all of JABA’s sideways blob put together.
Hey, OT, but clicking on the last two links resulted in:
Danger: Malware Ahead!
Google Chrome has blocked access to this page on rebloggingdonk.com.
Content from http://www.pyleoflist.com, a known malware distributor, has been inserted into this web page. Visiting this page now is very likely to infect your computer with malware.
You people can’t have nice things. One of the commenters on that linked to a photo that was from an infected site. It’s removed and all should be well.
I love this post: it is a treasure trove of Donkey history. It should be required reading for any student of Donkology.
I think my favorite is the bigthink.com video where she says she wants to go to Harvard Business School because it is a “fuck you credential” that will allow her to make “fuck you money” (seriously, she said that).
The dizzy heights of 2008, when she thought she was going to sell nonsociety for billion or two, are gone and she is now desperately looking for roommates on Craigslist while hawking cheesy skillets to fake twitter followers in Kazakhstan.
What have you done with your life, Donks?
The best part is she got rejected. What kinda asshole announces they are gonna do something like that when they CLEARLY don’t have the ability to get in. A deluded narcissistic piece of shit, basically.
How’d that Harvard thing work out LOL. I love that she failed so hard at that.
“My goal is to sell Non-Society society within three to five years. I pushed it up to five because of the economy.”
LOL!
In Promised Land, Matt Damon delivers a speech in a bar about the value of Fuck You Money that ends with him getting punched in the face. My date could not figure out why I found this scene so hilarious. It was funny, but not funny enough to justify how hard I was laughing.
Matt Damon getting punched in the face justifies any amount of laughter.
Damn, how could I have forgotten about the Donk’s shining moment of running around in circles while her companions just walked away. If I’m recalling correctly, that was the moment that *almost* made JP feel sorry for her, that Bravo was possibly exploiting her mental illness or mental incompetence.
This may be my favorite Donkey moment, which is really saying something.
Same here! She was trying to frolic on the beach like a Manic Pixie Dream Girl instead of a donkey; she jumped into her “date’s” arms because he wouldn’t pick her up; and then she ran around in circles with her arms flapping straight at her sides. (And something must have been wrong with the camera, because her legs appear short and stubby instead of elongated like they did in her Burning Man photos.)
Keep in mind, this was my introduction to a donkey, via Mess Ass-vice, and it took only one episode for me to realize “This loon is bonkers.”
This is something the Donkey does that I never, ever understand. Why lie on Twitter and suggest you’ve never seen the show when you wrote a LONG COLUMN about watching it just a few years ago, and you actually attempted to get involved with the show? Had she lied to someone like Debbie and said “I would never watch such drivel” and so then had to back herself up? Does she honestly forget?
It is so bizarre. I don’t know what the mental illness is that involves lying all the time about shit you don’t need to lie about and shit that is easily shown to be a lie. How does anyone trust a word that comes out of this loon’s mouth when she lies about so much inconsequential shit?
Korsakoff’s syndrome? But seriously it’s just like she has no actual self identity and has to make it up anew every day. How exhausting.
It’s pathological. #andbiology #otherwordstoo
After [1] growing up w/ a friend who’s a pathological liar (finally cut her out for good when it got to the point that her tales will seriously jeopardize careers & reputations) & [2] recently spending time around a kid who’s only occasionally called out for lying, I have a half-baked theory:
It’s a great need they have to appear to ‘be in the know’ as opposed to saying ‘I don’t know’, so they immediately blurt out whatever pops into their head first — sometimes it’s right; sometimes it’s minimally factual because they’re filling in blanks as they go; sometimes it’s complete fabrication — giving nary a thought to what they say becomes an ingrained habit w/ them, they put more value on being heard than they put on being accurate & truthful.
Sorry for an already TL;DR, but here’s an example of the kid in action: she came into a room just in time to hear her mom ask “Where’s So&So?” & the kid says “In the garage” — we were all “LOL, what?” because the kid had no way of knowing where he was (hadn’t been outside or in the garage), so her mom told her to “Hush Silly, no he’s not” & the kid starts melting down while defending to the death that she was right. Pulled it straight out of her ass in order to be heard first. Actual psychodrama ensued.
There are also times she’s fully aware that she’s lying (always preceded by: “I’m not lying, I swear!”) & too the kid can not ever keep a secret … it always, IMO, comes down to some crazy need to be heard first because then she has everyone’s attn.
OMG that’s my kid!! #howdareyou
JP!!!!! It’s been so long since one of these wonderful posts. Missed them
1. How dare you impugn the prestige of the Yale T.O.T.E and MIT C.A.P programs?
2. When I use words like “impugn”, I’m never sure if I’m using them correctly. But it makes me look tho thmart! Also I never ever watch TV, except of course when I do.
3. Everyone knows that statue-humping at Princeton and photo-jumping at Stanford are exactly as prestigious as actually having a degree from said institutions.
4. I have overcome biology to develop the skills needed to run a successful business today. Harvard Business School should just send me the MBA already (but in pink just like Elle Woods ZOMG!!!)
5. This post is brilliant.
Just when I thought I was out … they pull me back in.
Gimme that donkey butt and them big ol’ laigs.
Possibly NSFW:
I’d much rather bang the one on the right.
The one on the right has the better nose.
And better plastic hair.
What the hell is a “teeter-toter”, Julia? Did you mean teeter totter? You slow witted imbecile.
“Tots.” – Katrina Sheesh, ground-breaking watercress acquisition specialist spouse
teetotaler? she never drinks!
Sheeshz is also an expert on jewelry from “Arcleef.”
“contagion-like feelings of sympathy”. “What is the answer, though?? A teeter-toter, back and forth between regard for strangers outside of your tribe and regard for your tribe? “
First, “teeter-toter” is not a word or expression , at least in English. Your tribe? What?
“If care is indeed a limited resource, then it cannot stretch indefinitely to cover the massive domain of strangers and nonhuman animals.”
Who in the fucking world ever said that care is a limited resource? Why? What the fuck does she mean by, “strangers”? Like, you read horrifying news about victims of a tsunami or hurricane, and you think of them as, “strangers” first? Really, that’s the word that pops into her head? She’s such a writer, y’all. Humanitarian. Fucking offensive.
Real tribe members donate organs to you, bring soup when you’re sick, watch your kids in an emergency, open professional doors for you, rearrange their schedules and lives for you, protect you, and fight for you — and you return all this hard work.
This is too tremendously funny to believe. Julia wouldn’t dream of lifting a finger to do anything for someone else in her life. And beside whatever the fuck she really means by “tribe”- I guess, white people with jobs who can help her career?- she equates organ donation with uh, helping Julia Allison with her career. A-mazing. She’s “returned all this hard work”, right? I have no fucking idea what that means.
Here’s hoping someone will correct me if I drunkenly misread and Donkey didn’t write all that drivel above. Because it’s almost too ghastly even for her. Otherwise, I come away from reading this thinking of Cloris Leachman as Nurse Diesel in “High Anxiety”:
“We’re dealing with sick people here. DANGERously sick people!”. Clanging her fruit-cup with a spoon.
Are these excerpts from her book? I hope.
“Teeter-Totter”, not “toter” is apparently a line of children’s toys and swingsets and such, a commercial name she got wrong and she’s such an asshole anyway.
It takes two little kids to teeter-totter …
Already, burrito D0nkey was friendless.
The analysis, it is beyond sophomoric. More like 7th grade level.