Mood Swing Pig of Love, By Donkey

(Another thrilling guest post courtesy of EyeRoller)

Beep beep sweet catpeepsters, it’s your favorite jackass du jour — ME, Donkey, coming to you from the far left lane of Life’s 101 Freeway!  I’ve traded in my Benz for a wobbly pink “Princess” Huffy (more on that later), and I’m peddling like mad to fill you in and catch you up on ME.  So toes pointed, shoulders back and teats out!  It’s time to unpucker that lemon face, spread those cheeks, and say “CHEESE” like you mean it, haters!

To bring you up to speed, or for those who aren’t already annoyed to death/deaf with me, here’s the root of this shitshow in a nutshell:

And even though I’m an expert “expert,” I have weak points like every other vulnerable human girl-woman handling my life with the most grace and dignity I can muster.  These non-epic failnesses include my inability to:

*Spend within my means

*Keep “FOOT” out of maw

I know you’re a tough crowd whose comments here I NEVER READ, so I’ll skip the pleasantries and get to the spelty meats of my matters, which is obviously a metaphor because I eat neither meat, nor spelt, nor gluten, nor meat that has eaten spelt nor gluten, nor spelt nor gluten that has consumed other spelt or gluten, because that would be outright spelt/gluten on spelt/gluten cannibalism lol, so get your minds and eyeballs out of my cluttered gutters and listen up — I’ve got plenty of nothing to fill you in on. It’s been a really stupid week that’s included many general failures, NEVER READING HERE, and the unbearable bondage of automobile ownership.  We’ve got more to cover than 11 seasons of Fashion Week combined!

Firstly, I’m not the size of a pregnant woolly mammoth like a lot of people make me out to be, and yeah, maybe I do a little nip/tucking on iphoto, but I swear to The Great Twinkie in the sky, you’d be enthralled at what a few quick seconds can do.  Contorting my posture and expressions, arching my swayback to the point of giving tweenaged Romanian gymnasts a run for their dismount money, and drastic lighting all combine to produce a few lucky photos choices out of thousands.  See, here’s a pic of me RIGHT NOW AS I TYPE to all of my RDB readers.  No, now is not my thinnest point of existence.  But with the right “Art De La Posé Extremé,” my stomach is so flat I had to hire a Taskrabbit to come over and wash my cutting board on it!

To clarify, my poses are NOT vertically stretched in pre- or post- editing.  And even if they were, big deal if my life is a series of visually compressed photos that cause me to bear a striking resemblance to Paula Abdul in her mid-90’s “Promise of a New Day” video? I do it for you, my pathetic public!  NOW back to Taskrabbit… Did I mention I wanted to mention that I’m proud to mention I love this service!  In addition to Anna D., you can hire even more rosy-cheeked, poverty-stricken part-time life-slaves like Emily M., who will carry your laundry from the dryer to your dresser, or kind-looking Alanna G, who will politely purchase fresh spinach for you on your credit card and place it gently in your refrigerator crisper with a fucking thankful smile.

#Errands-R-Tuff

I know many of my dear readers have questioned my involvement with Taskrabbit, so for the record let me say that while I like to pose for pictures with people who can afford to be big-time angel investors, the only affiliation I share with Taskrabbit is NOT for the record (don’t tell, dear readers, lol!): I work for them on the weekends pumping gas for handicapped people and driving an airport taxi for rich and busy people who pay me to do it!  Here’s a pic of me Taskrabbiting.  Don’t show anyone!

I call my legs “St. Paul” and “Minneapolis,” because they’re only 20 minutes apart and you can land a plane conveniently between them:

Meanwhile, in social media news: Knuckle-sandwich me in the schnoz with a hot pink satin rhinestone-embedded clutch, because thousands of new “people” decided to follow me on Twitter this week!!!!  One of my digital admirers sent me pics of themselves as proof they exist.  Here’s one:

“Hi Donkey.  My name is Groucho M. and if you’d have me in your Twitter club I would NOT want to be a member, but I still think you’re a riot!”

See — the magic I cast over the universe on Miss Advised is FINALLY starting to resonate with the little people! Oh, and because a chunk of money from my trust fund went directly to a middle-man company that supplies algorithms meant to slowly up my profile and presence in relevant online marketplaces.  Yep, I said, it, TRUST!  Don’t ask me how much.  Maybe not much, maybe a shitload, but either way, the only thing all your tiny, hate-filled, beeswaxen heads need to know is that THIS feels good against my winking, wrinkled donkeyhole:

But wait — remember in May when my reality show was airing and I tweeted about signing a 33-month lease on a new 2012 black Mercedes C class for $450/month and thousands of dollars/year in insurance? Well don’t hate, it was only in preparation for my huge guaranteed television success! Only 28 months left to go in the lease, but surprise surprise, I changed my mind because I’m a flake who lives according to the demands of an evil princess residing at the top of an unlit tower in the back of my brain.  Along with that luxury car and paying $2500/month for a condo I’m never at,  I won’t even go into the thousands of dollars worth of mini syringes of face filler I require to stay afloat … Yes, in total I’m spending half of six figures on nothing.  Turns out I only drive that car to Dr. Bobby’s office five days a month and I want out of this deal because I’m sick of this town and this car and I need a new gig NOW, one in which I’ll get paid six figures simply to exist in all my adorable ME-ness!

Breaking news:  I had a huge realization. YOU DON’T NEED A CAR WHEN YOU LIVE IN NEW YORK CITY! (Although, let’s be serious, as if I’d ever ride the subway!! That’s for the little smelly people who don’t have fuck-you money that I most certainly SHOULD have so I’ll just live as though I DO have it):

Anyway, to summarize my saga as a car owner:

I leased this:

When I should’ve purchased this:

Because I wanted (and fucking well deserve!!) to feel like this:

But I just ended up feeling like this:

I bitched and bitched about my own stupidity on Twitter:

“One of the best parts of New York that I didn’t fully appreciate when I lived there: absolutely no need for car ownership.”

“I knew it was bad – but I had no idea having a car would suck financially THIS MUCH. I honestly wish I hadn’t gotten one at all.”

I’ll admit, the funniest reader reply to my whining was from my close friend, Mia Marino, who pointed out that yes, a new Mercedes Benz costs money:

@JuliaAllison Shoot you need one in LA! I’m all confused where everyone is these days, but yes cars are expensive until you pay them off.

Ok ok, I get it dear readers, but enough is enough.  Everyone is so mean to me! Can you believe I’ve even received calls and emails from fans like this:

“Have a seat, Julia.  Your parents asked me to have a little talk with you.”

Yep, I’ll probably have to give up my OMG Mercedes OMG, even though in last month’s inc.com article I said this profoundly intelligent thing: “You have a great brand when people immediately associate a positive term with that brand — the term you want people to associate with your brand. Take Mercedes: If you think ‘luxury,’ it’s happy.”

However, if I have to give up my Mercedes, my new brand will look more like “Julia Allison, Tech Expert and Failed Mercedes Owner”

Now is the time in this update when I thank one of my dear readers.  This week’s winner?  I’m looking at you Brayella.  With a flop reality show on my back, reality setting in about the sheer cruelty of a world that has failed to recognize me as the adorable mega-wealthy celebrity I deserve to be, and basic life skills I find baffling looming before me, you posted a pic that has inspired me to give up everything and move my entire life from Los Angeles, CA to Hammock County, USA.  My plan is to rotate all my photos in post-production so I like look I’m upright and living a human life, while really I’ll be spending 169 hours per week on my ass, in a net, posting MC Hammer lip dubs from between two trees:

*YES, by “net” I mean both the internet AND a woven hammock

*YES, by “trees” I mean two perennial trunks AND my own ears

Oh-oh oh oh oh-oh-oh.  Everybody STOP.  HAMMOCK TIME:

There’s much more, but I’m so tired that a gallon of the ‘Tox right smack dab between the peepers couldn’t keep my face open right now, so for my grand finale, the moment you’ve all been waiting for, where I *POOF* DISAPPEAR, I proudly present the weekly update in the “Notice How Much I’ve Really Changed!” department:

LOL but really though, has anyone noticed I haven’t been blowing up my tweethole about Pencil lately and hey, at least I’m trying to take a hint and put a lid on my shameless self-promotion as an “expert expert expert” that got me further into this fucking nightmare mess I call my life, once I could tell the world at large wasn’t falling for it. Gold stars for me, right?  Uh, right?  OK, fine, then let’s focus on me having to guzzle a fistful of Lexapro before I go to a shopping mall — *UGH* — and the fact that plastic-fern-bars like TGIFriday’s make me feel like this:

“Why are bars and malls the two most popular places for Americans to gather en masse? It’s really depressing.”

Finally, I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention RBD had a surprise celebrity cameo appearance this week, when the “Mom in a Minivan” I verbally assaulted in a Trader Joe’s parking lot one time (Oops… ‘Member Dat?– ) dropped in to say “Hi.”  Minivan Mom:  It was so good to hear from you, and I would’ve responded to your post directly on this site, but only problem is I NEVER READ HERE.  Mystery mom: Couldn’t you just have contacted me directly like I did with you that day in that parking lot, when I screamed obscenities at you and your children for your crime of stopping your car to wait for someone to pull out of the spot you were waiting for?  If you’d send me your address, I’d be happy to to apologize by auto-replying to you with a 10% discount code off your next purchase from Cheesy Skillets, the Honeybaked Ham variety.

#HamMakesShitBetter

So, dear members of my gargantuan readership, until next time– Love, light, and defaulted car payment wishes!

xoxo Donkey

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171 Responses to Mood Swing Pig of Love, By Donkey

  1. DollFuckDate says:

    let me be the first to congratulate you on an epic epic

    • Malformed Face (Like a Bloated Deli Ham Left in a Mercedes C Class) says:

      Let me be the second. I’m bedside at the hospital with a parent right now – more stressful than post-op complications are all the family dynamics and when we are not crying, we are mostly ripping each others heads off by the vending machine. Thank god for this litter box and all this funny.

      • Spoutless Teapot says:

        thinking of you, malformed face! hope everything is ok…

      • How Brayella got Her Hoove Back says:

        Ah, Malf ….
        {{{hugs}}}

      • Worrisome Pelts says:

        That’s rotten, Malf. Thinking good thoughts (and, dare I say, praying) for your loved one’s health and your sanity.

        Would it help if I dug up some completely trite, meaningless greeting card sentiment and twatted it in your general direction? Or maybe I could send you some inappropriate swag. Would you like a tourist’s guide to the city you already live in and some coupons for discounted ice cream?

        No, no, I know what you need. I’ll be back after I’ve composed an e-card about your genitalia and posted it in a place your friends will see it.

        TTFN! Taco Toots For Now!

      • DollFuckDate says:

        peace dude or dudette

      • Malformed Face (Like a Bloated Deli Ham Left in a Mercedes C Class) says:

        You kittens are too damn nice. I think things will get better. My mom had surgery and it’s a surgery we all hoped for and knew was needed but with these complications – it’s all a mental game – she’d just over it, so to speak and that is not good.

        But thank goodness I can check in here – truly, the laughs and especially the good wishes mean so much. And wine, oh, dear Greg, thank Greg for wine!

        • Albie Quirky says:

          Wharfargbl and best to you, dear Malformed Face. Stress sucks.

        • jane says:

          btdt, you have my empathy and best wishes.

        • MY Beach Home says:

          Many warm wishes for patience and more patience. Dealing with family when in crisis, and especially in the hospital, is awful.

          May I suggest that you all distract each other by posing for fauxtos in front of the vending machines? Make sure you get the ones where you are jumping ank?

          Greg speed and all the best Malf.

          • Malformed Face (Like a Bloated Deli Ham Left in a Mercedes C Class) says:

            Great suggestion. I think my tit thrust in front of the vending machine really has my Mom and Dads spirits soaring! Once I can elongate it to make me look 30 pounds slimmer I will definitely post on Facebook ;)

        • Stalker is the new very meandering home intruder says:

          Good luck to Momma Malformed Face!

          And glad you can duck into RBD for a little SanAhTEE. We all love you! BESOS!

        • EyeRoller says:

          Good luck with the shittier of life’s shittiness. Glad we could bring you some laughter!

        • Grifty Shades of Bray says:

          Just checked in here after a few days caring for my 87 year old uncle, who is here for 2 weeks and sadly losing his faculties a bit…so my best wishes go out to you. I hope you’re mom is doing better.

  2. Factory Seconds says:

    Oh, so this isn’t Jules’ newest startup??

    [img]http://www.yourareacode.com/userfiles/cards_lg/eb49a9849b5c0f30b1ec6cb59412b9361303418921.jpg[/img]

  3. K_Swizz says:

    So… where is her fashion week coverage?

  4. Lily's 3rd Eye says:

    That is insanely funny. If you’re not writing for a living, you could be. (-:

  5. Albie Quirky says:

    Beautiful. She should hire you to write her book for her! (Instead of cashmere fetishist Andrea Dunlop.)

    • Tremendous Liar; Donkey Repugnant says:

      Donkey’s boyfriend must be a cashmere goat. That’s what Ms Dunlop is getting out of this.

  6. sausage curls/fingers says:

    I’m experiencing such Julsie ennui. I wish Devin Stetler would break up with or propose to her already. Her life is so dull and meaningless aside from her fluctuating weight.

    • Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

      I hear you. She is so so boring. We need another breakup or a wedding, stat.

      • Factory Seconds says:

        Ugh, but it’s too soon, right?

        • Lily's 3rd Eye says:

          NEVAH NEVAH NEVAH TOO SOON FOR A PROM THEMED WEDDING! “When Devin and Lala and I did ‘the hippy flip’ in Vegas, we realized we were meant to BE AS ONE. Just like Jerdan and Quendriche! (R.I.P. to that friendship) . Soe we tied le knot! Now we are married we have so much less stress as we plan a YEAR of weddings, starting with a two month long dance off/ debate tourney/ celebration in Dadsters and Momser’s lakeside tent!

    • mule on rouge says:

      Fret not, furry friends. Slut-o-ween month is almost upon us.

  7. Reeks of desperate tutus says:

    This was like a good book I never wanted to end. Truly excellent.

  8. Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

    Has this been discussed? So much self-important bullshit. And I doubt very much she was picked on in junior high because she was a dork. I have no doubt she was picked on because she was an asshole.

    http://evanston.patch.com/articles/north-shore-native-former-complete-dork-stars-in-bravo-tv-show#photo-11152821


    North shore native Julia Allison had written about relationships for Time Out New York and Cosmo, but had decided she was done with what she described as “the Carrie Bradshaw portion of my life” when Bravo asked her to be on a show about relationship experts.

    She turned them down, but they kept asking, so she eventually agreed, not expecting the concept to go anywhere. Instead Miss Advised was picked up in June 2011, and she became one of three single women showing the world the inner workings of her own romantic history.

    “I was delving into one of the most painful areas of my life, which was my personal relationships,” said Allison, who grew up in Winnetka. “It certainly wasn’t easy, but I came out on the other side quite transformed.”

    Throughout the show, Allison consulted less conventional experts on romance, including a tarot reader and a witch, to try to find the root cause of her inability to have a healthy relationship. As odd as it was, she said the process was successful.

    She said she’s also gotten feedback from people who knew her then, including apology letters from three of her tormentors at Wilmette Junior High.
    “I found through the course of this show that my propensity towards pleasing people and my desire to have people love me had morphed into a virulent strain of low self esteem,” Allison said. “I would get into relationships that weren’t quite right for me because I believed that I didn’t deserve any better.”

    That revelation got her a lot of attention from viewers who saw their own struggles reflected in Allison’s experience.

    “I think a lot of women have the same problem,” she said. “We go after men who play into our insecurities and make us feel the way that we secretly feel about ourselves.”

    Allison got her start writing opinion columns every week during her senior year of New Trier.

    “I talked about really important things in life, like how to find the perfect prom dress,” she said. “It was my first foray into journalism and it stuck.”

    She said she’s also gotten feedback from people who knew her then, including apology letters from three of her tormentors at Wilmette Junior High.

    “I was teased mercilessly in junior high because I was a complete dork,” she said. “Glasses, braces, the works.”

    Her parents haven’t shown much interest in the show, but her brother, who is getting his PhD in physics at MIT and is married to a fellow New Trier grad, is a devoted fan.

    “They could not be any further from the world of reality television, but they watch every single episode,” she said.

    Allison is hoping Miss Advised will have a second season, but won’t know until fall. Until then, she is keeping busy covering Fashion Week for NBC New York, writing a fictionalized account of her life and a nonfiction memoir in the vein if Eat Pray Love. She’s also spending time with her new boyfriend, who she met shortly after the show wrapped.

    “I am madly in love with him,” she said. “When I had completely given up on finding prince charming, he walked into my life.”

    • Spoutless Teapot says:

      ugh. it sounds like she wrote the entire thing. and wow, is she pissed at her parents for some reason. “her parents haven’t shown much interest in the show…”

    • How Brayella got Her Hoove Back says:

      I do remember this fantastical lie, so yeah, it was discussed at some point.

      She said she’s also gotten feedback from people who knew her then, including apology letters from three of her tormentors at Wilmette Junior High.

      Bullshit D0nkey, or you would have publicly outed them.
      Never happened; never will; lying D0nkey lies.

      • KS says:

        Seriously. THREE? Give me a break. One *might* be believable, but three?

        Maybe they saw what she became later in life and felt guilty? Or one of the voices in her head wrote them to her.

        • How Brayella got Her Hoove Back says:

          Strangely, all of their names began w/ “K” …

        • bitchface says:

          I got one of those come to jesus letters after someone I knew in college went to AA and got sober. He apologized for being a dick – I was like “Uh, ok…. I just thought you were kind of a jerk to everyone, and whatever you’re apologizing for either a) wasn’t that bad because I have no idea what you’re talking about or b) you did totally behind my back and I never found out about it anyway so ….” I just congratulated him for getting clean and said it was all water under the bridge and a long time ago. Was kind of more annoying to be wondering about that now, many years later, than had he never said anything. But I figured it was part of the steps so good for him.

          Sometimes it’s just best to say nothing.

          Three letters (weird detail, oddly accurate, why not just say “I even got a couple of letters…” pants on fire

      • Albie Quirky says:

        I believe that people saw her on Miss Shapen and felt bad about having teased someone who was so obviously mentally ill and possibly cognitively disabled as well.

        I just don’t believe they wrote her a letter.

        • How Brayella got Her Hoove Back says:

          Right? How would her tormentors from two-ish decades ago even have her LA address?

          C’mon, D0nkey, prove us wrong! Post pics of the letters & envelopes, eh? Here’s your 0ne chance to redeem your lying ass …

          What’s that? You want to protect their privacy? Yeah, we all know how you feel about not divulging personal info, especially on the internet! [Redacted] who?

          • bitchface says:

            to her, accepting her “Friend” request on FB = sending her a lovingly personal, hand written letter on scented, monogrammed note paper begging forgiveness for never having seen how amazing and beautiful she really was underneath all the dorkiness and begging her forgiveness.

      • Grifty Shades of Bray says:

        I believe it. After seeing the show, all three probably wrote her to apologize that they hadn’t bullied her more.

    • Factory Seconds says:

      This is all such bullshit except for her family talk.

    • EyeRoller says:

      Yes, I saw that. My favorite part below– The spin about how she turned Bravo down, but they kept chasing her live a ravenous animal:

      “She turned them down, but they kept asking, so she eventually agreed…”

    • Who do you think you are? says:

      “We go after men who play into our insecurities and make us feel the way that we secretly feel about ourselves.”

      Wait, what? She goes out with men who, explicitly or unintentionally, make her feel fat, stupid, obnoxious, and ugly? Is this a dig on the men she’s dated instead of an acceptance that she’s a desperate hosebeast? But I thought she was friends with all of her exes?

      I’m going out on a limb to say what I think she meant, which was “I realized that my insecurities made me do a lot of stupid shit in the pursuit of a man – any man – and at all costs.” That’s at least closer to the truth and closer to accepting that she’s an asshole stalker wackaloon who might one day want to change her ways.

      • Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

        That was the line that bugged me most of all. Really, Donkey? Yet the last four or five guys she’s gone out with have been portrayed as the GREATEST LOVES OF ALL (including fucking JellyD, who was openly frightened of her right from the start). Each one after the other has always provided her with the best connection she’s ever had with anyone, EVER, she’s never felt safer, more protected, more loved and cherished for exactly who she is! And they remain such very close friends after their breakups, which only happen because their lives are in different places right now. They truly did love each other very deeply, and had discussed marriage!

        Everything she says is bullshit.

      • Grifty Shades of Bray says:

        She’s used to stalking high profile dudes who know she’s no special snowflake and easily replaceable, so because they don’t fall down and worship her and dump her ass after a few months of her histrionics, she plays that “I’m not good enough” tape in her head over and over.

        And so then when she lowers her standards to the non-rich non-player types like JellyD and Pencildonk level and STILL gets rejected, it is going to hit her even harder.

      • How Brayella got Her Hoove Back says:

        We go after men who play into our insecurities and
        make us feel the way that we secretly feel about ourselves.

        TRANSBRAYTION: The men boys who play bit roles (or “rolls” – Hai Jelly D!) in the romcom looping thru her ginormous head all eventually come to the same realization about her calculating hose beast ways & shady, lying, lazy grifter raft ass, but when they do, it’s their fault for exposing her for what she is, they exploited her evilness into rearing its gaping maw.

        Riiiiight, D0nkey! As always, it’s never your fault.

  9. How Brayella got Her Hoove Back says:

    Great post, Eye Roller & thnacks for the shout-out!
    I do wonder though — did you mean HamHock Time?
    <3

  10. Lady Donk Donk says:

    I’m a used pick up man to the tune of totally mine below $15k. Fuck this shallow donkey ass – she is exactly what is driving our nation into the red. Within her family, she is a communist. So she is actually red.

    • Factory Seconds says:

      I’ve been reading so many articles and hearing so many people on news shows spout off about how younger people (not that Julesie is young) aren’t showing interest in buying cars (especially luxury cars) and houses and that is what is ruining America. Every time I read something about it or watch some white, rich asshole on TV claim that everyone has a small dick like him, I want to die.

      • afghani says:

        The people who say the 18-35 crowd is less interested in cars and house ownership is correct. The real question is whether it’s because of economic reasons or simply preferences (i.e. rent an apartment and minimize car use but spend fairly heavy sums on electronics and experiences like concerts and vacations).

        Alas, I haven’t been around a lot, how did people find out that Julia was ditching the leased car?

        • DollFuckDate says:

          18-35 want to be in hipster urban neighborhoods

          whether they make it there or not, cars are no longer “cool” as they are the means of oppression by which people are yoked to jobs to pay for them; also if you have one it means you live in the burbs

          • afghani says:

            I agree with this, my only question is what role a tough job market and a housing market collapse have paid in shaping this story. Speaking for myself, I grew up in a suburb but vastly prefer my life in a city and can’t imagine leaving. Maybe a different part of the city (Roland Park or Hampden so I can hang out with Momwick?) but never to the suburbs.

          • Gone with the Drapes says:

            No doubt the job market didn’t help the desire to spend thousands of dollars of crappy cars and hours sitting in them to go back and forth between crappy jobs and ticky tacky houses

            But it’s not the only thing

            Long commutes are pointless wastes of time and energy and money, as are the cars in which they are undertaken

          • 11th Wang says:

            Afghani, I’ll hang out with you. Maybe.

          • Prom Party Burnout says:

            Me 2…wanna crash a prom party in locust point w/ me this weekend? Ugh…eye roll!

            This is what I’m going to wear:
            http://www.amazon.com/Jackie-Little-Black-Dress-Nightshirt/dp/B007GCI2V4

            B/F is wearing a tux t-shirt.

            F U to lame prom parties!

          • Factory Seconds says:

            For me, it’s not so much that cars aren’t cool, it’s just that I feel like I would have so much more money without one. I could spend it on a nicer place to live among other things. I think commuting so long to work is such a waste of time and energy and I’m sick of living all the way out in the suburbs with my parents when I could live in the city alone and have much more independence and time to do things. I would love to own a home/apartment, but renting will be much easier for me in the coming years. I don’t see why I should aim to own a home before I earn my means.

            I didn’t mean to say that I hated people claiming disinterest, because it is definitely true, I meant that I think older generations are blaming us for spending our money elsewhere and having different ideals about what makes one “look” accomplished. I’d rather have a small home and a reasonable car (if a car at all) but have nicer personal items. If the car industry is dying because younger people don’t want to spend all of the money that they aren’t earning due to the shitty job market, then I’m left wondering why people would think that the luxury car market is the one to worry about.

            As for the whole housing situation, generations fluctuate between the urban and the suburban, so I don’t really understand why that’s super surprising either. Currently, the younger generation wants to be in a more urban environment. Is it because it’s fashionable and hip? Probably. Is that a problem? No, not really. People moved to the suburbs for that same reason back in the 80’s, I think.

            I think it’s completely stupid and a waste of time to blame such things on younger people when the trends aren’t anything new and they didn’t create the shithole that is the job market. Maybe I’m just saying this because I’m 22, but it really seems an incredibly daft and not at all analytical observation.

            Also, Donks has been tweeting regrets about the Benz, that’s how we know.

          • Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

            I agree. If young people aren’t buying cars and homes, could it perhaps be because cars and homes are priced out of reach? Or that their salaries don’t allow it? How exactly is it their fault? Make cheaper cars, sell cheaper homes, pay better salaries — then maybe young people will buy cars and homes.

          • A Donkey is an Ass says:

            Not to mention the banks were given billions of dollars to continue lending money for things like cars and homes. Yet they took that money and held on to it. Not only are people more reticent to tie themselves to a car payment or a mortgage payment, but they have a hard time finding a bank willing to offer those things without perfect credit and the right skin color.

  11. SirClompsAlot says:

    “Hammock Time” made me burst out into maniacal laughter. Roommate and nearby neighbors now think I’m insane.

    • Jack the Bulldog says:

      I’ve been screaming “It’s Hammock Time!” all evening. Well, until my huscat asked, “Do you mean it’s Hammer Time?” “Ah … no.” “Oh no, is this something to do with that blog and that chick who posts pictures of airport carousels?”

  12. juliaspublicist says:

    The fact that you got so much material out of this mind-numbingly depressing butter sculpture is astounding.

  13. Handbag Stuffed With Hair says:

    Eyeroller gets her, he really gets her!

    • juliaspublicist says:

      He(?) needs analysis.

      • EyeRoller says:

        O, JP, if you only knew. I guess that makes me more similar to Donk than I’m willing to admit. However, I don’t tell everyone that me making a lot of mistakes qualifies for me full time “experting” and “consulting”. Fucking up a lot only qualifies me to be a “Professional Fucker-Upper”.

        And yes, I’ve been one of those too.

        • RollsRoyceRevenge says:

          Humph.

          I remember when he used to say the same thing about me.

          Base and faithless is his snark, EyeRoller.

  14. Edith says:

    not finding downton abbey links halp!

  15. Barking Mad, Intel Advisor says:

    EyeRoller, great post! You make her not as boring as she actually is these days!

    I’m just gonna leave this here.

    http://downton-tabby.tumblr.com/

    • (yes, she was one) says:

      I was watching the Joan Rivers documentary tonight and was stunned to see MMBH’s sour visage pop up on screen.

  16. Lady Donk Donk says:

    Could it be that this gigantic gaping asshole is considering a move back to NYC? Holy crap that would suck.

  17. my blocked writing says:

    Appropos of nothing, I’ve been following Julia for 5 or 6 years–since I was 18 or 19. I’ve learned a lot. Thousands of incisive comments that taught me about social etiquette and grace and if is the internet. I feel like rbj and rbns and rbd is my cool aunt who teaches me about the world.

    • Blinking.S.O.S.at.the.Camera says:

      Best comment ever.

    • Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

      Come let Mommy clutch you to my bosom and stroke your hair.

    • afghani says:

      I feel like this too, even when other commenters yell at me. Actually, even moreso when they yell at me.

    • Meow Mix says:

      Me too! I first saw Julia on Gawker back in 2007, then found the brilliant Baugher blogger back in early 2008. I was just a wee chicken of eighteen/nineteen back then!

    • These Hooves Were Made for Walking says:

      Me too! Early 20s. I keep a file with screenshots of my favorite comments and insights. I’ve learned so much about being a better, less self-centered person! This site should be made into a book for Millennials.

      • These Hooves Were Made for Walking says:

        *Since my early 20s. I’m nearing my expiration date now ;) Seriously though, this site and its ongoing analysis of JAB was a big influence on my eventual quitting of my marketing/social media strategist/work-at-home job. I was having many of the same problems she has due to a complete lack of daily structure and, you now, everything being about your image, who you know, and online popularity.

  18. Fameless Shamewhore says:

    An OT dedicated to mcakez: This is on the subject of Burning Man. I know Donkey has ruined the idea of Burning Man for lots of us, so that poor mcakez was left struggling to explain what was good about it…

    Well, I just read this great post on a blog I love. It’s a beautifully written piece about the writer’s experience this year:

    http://www.welcometomybrain.net/2012/09/burning-man-temple-gets-it-right.html

    Enjoy.

  19. Tingolayo says:

    I’m still traveling, and every single day I’ve seen at least one equine item: a company called Bray and Bray; a donkey postcard; a hauling company with a logo of a pack mule; a snack cart in the park that simply said PANCAKES; etc. Congratulations, JA– I’m thinking about you on my vacation. You win.

  20. MY Beach Home says:

    Bitches,

    I am just back from a ridiculous honeymoon and blissed out and jetlagged. I have to note that through the whole trip I was amazed at how many donkeys there are in the world! We would be lounging in a cafe in Paris or on the beach in Nice or whatevs and my OMG new huscat would say: look, a donkey. And behold, some beyotch would be screaming at her friend or boyfriend to take another shot, a better shot, more shots. And then, invariably, she would review and edit the shots on the camera. Right there. So weird. Be in the moment. Take a pic and move on no?

    If I weren’t so happy and lucky and loved I would be grossed out at donkeys.

    I missed you bitches, a little.

  21. Fameless Shamewhore says:

    omg you guys, I just typed Julia Allison into Google and it came up with that new feature whereby on the right there’s a picture and mini-biography. I am shocked and she must be DEE-lighted. It features one of her earliest pictures and this is what it says:

    “Julia Allison is an American journalist, television commentator, and co-creator of lifecasting portal NonSociety.com. A Georgetown University alumna, Allison is originally from Wilmette, a northern suburb of Chicago.”

    Sickening.

    • mule on rouge says:

      I have a remedy for what ails you. Do an image search on Bing for “donkey in a tutu” and scroll down. The results include (at least) two pics of Jabbawonky: one from her Bad (dye job) Girl fauxtoshoot, and one of her in the infamous Condom Fairy getup (not the one with her ass cheeks hanging out, thank greg). Both are from a post here at RBD — so proud by proxy!

    • JFA says:

      Lifecasting portal. Jesus Christ.

      It’s a goddamn blog. I love the idea of people actually going there and being like “the fuck?” It’s a goddamn BLOG. That isn’t even updated anymore almost ever.

    • JFA says:

      “American Journalist. Currently writing for a grand total of zero publications.”

  22. bitchface says:

    I’m a flake who lives according to the demands of an evil princess residing at the top of an unlit tower in the back of my brain.

    L.O.L.

  23. Prom Party Burnout says:

    Julia Allison
    Friday
    Do you ever see names on your newsfeed and you’re like, “Um … I don’t think I know who that person is? Let alone why I friended them? This is confusing. Hmm.” And then you wonder if maybe someone got married and changed their name, but when you click on their profile, no, no … they’re just a stranger. So you unfriend them and feel a little stupid.

    Or maybe this just happens to me.
    http://www.facebook.com/ckbmemories#!/juliaallison

    Yo Julia Gulia… maybe if you didn’t buy all your firends you wouldn’t have this prob…just saying!

  24. Prof. F Camping Prof. F Camping says:

    grifters be grifting!

    @SPRAYDISOLE_LA: @JuliaAllison it was so nice meeting you the other day at the cocoecomagazine suite at the W.we hope you like our brush on tan and perfume.

    @PreviseCare: U are such a doll @JuliaAllison ! Can’t wait for u to try @PreviseCare. Have fun trying the hydrobalm cc: @cocoecomagazine #emmys

    Zipcar: At your service, @juliaallison . Let us know if we can help. #zip2rescue cc @themarco

    SavanaBee: @JuliaAllison I can show you how to get a free bmw really fast!

    and finally, this person is hilarious (a catlady?) tweeting inane questions at julia and amy:

    @AmyLaurentMatch @JuliaAllison what r the symptoms of menepause?I don’t know but I have totally lost my mojo. Help! Any advice 2 get it back

    @AmyLaurentMatch @JuliaAllison after 18yrs can u get that butterfly feeling back again?he is my bf & my soulmate but I miss that passion?

    @JuliaAllison I have an. Interview tomorrow 4 my dream job, any advice on makin a great first impression @AmyLaurentMatch

    • Tremendous Liar; Donkey Repugnant says:

      I usually don’t wish Donkey ill, but I think it would be amazing if her grifting and attempts at “investing” led her to become a victim of a Ponzi scheme.

    • How Brayella got Her Hoove Back says:

      Dream job!
      Elle contributor?
      #meow

    • Spoutless Teapot says:

      i fucking knew that when she was wah-wahing about her car and mentioned “@zipcar” in her tweet, that she was on the grift. is there no fucking karma in this world? bitch will end up with a car for free.

    • Blinking.S.O.S.at.the.Camera says:

      This seems to be a trend. She grifts, doesn’t bother with the payback by advertising to her imaginary followers, the mark ends up having to write the tweets themselves.
      I really just can’t with this. But as I said earlier, bitch has pwnd Tim Ferris and his 4-day ass. She’d whittled it down to 4 minutes … if that.
      Then again, he writes best-sellers for the gullible and actually earns serious dollars as a result. She’s giving it up for a spray tan.

      • pearipathetic donkey says:

        She hangs out with some of the best grifters around, and she is still too damn lazy to actually follow through with her con.

      • How Brayella got Her Hoove Back says:

        Giving it up for a spray pan to cover the cheesy skillets that went straight to her deflated ass = SERIOUS BIDNESS LADY!

        Just how proud are you of that BS, Dad$er Pettibaugher?

  25. Flyingdonkeycopter says:

    I just remembered that Donkey was suppose to be speaking at this event.
    http://tiny.cc/7mv5kw Did she get dropped? I don’t see her on the list of current speakers.

    • Albie Quirky says:

      Ha ha, she got dumped from a speaking/grifting opportunity.

      Geez Louise, that’s an awfully white lineup of speakers.

      • Prof. F Camping Prof. F Camping says:

        white?!

        [img]http://static5.businessinsider.com/image/5033d2126bb3f7f13400001d-120-90/rachel-weiss.jpg[/img]

      • Prof. F Camping Prof. F Camping says:

        it’s true, we haven’t heard about donkula’s peripathetic travel schedule much lately, have we? i’m sure the reason will turn out to be the draconian contract from bravo that prevented her from leaving marina del bray because SURPRISE they are filming a very special breakup episode of maladvised.

    • Barking Mad, Intel Advisor says:

      In the comments she was outed for having purchased followers. Perhaps that induced some due diligence.

    • EyeRoller says:

      Legal-eagle-ese my dear Donkeycopter! The article only says I’ll be speaking in a special session, not that I’m a featured speaker. Wherever did you get the far-fetched idea that I’m actually speaking? Very troublesome…

      Everyone knows, in an effort to keep myself from having a public nervous breakdown (and a suggestion from Steven Grossman in the form of an email that said “Don’t you fucking dare”), I willingly downgraded MYSELF from “speaker” to “person in audience with VIQ (Very Important Question) who raises their hand before everyone else during Q&A portion of speaker’s talk”.

      But thank you for your concern.
      xoxoDonkey

    • Top Donkey says:

      Heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend. She bagged at the last minute. They are pissed.

    • Blinking.S.O.S.at.the.Camera says:

      I love that the link in this announcement of her talking about social media ROI and “growing her business” links to her website where the home page features the now cancelled Elle column, dated in June (which is Precambrian in internet years). So much fail … even before she made it exponential by bailing.

  26. Malformed Face (Like a Bloated Deli Ham Left in a Mercedes C Class) says:

    Devin Stetler has a new picture of Devin Stetler on Devin Stetler’s facebook page. It’s been up there for 54 minutes and Julia Allison, Devin Stetler’s Donkey, hasn’t liked it yet. I’M GENUINELY CONCERNED.

    PS, pretty sure this pic, in which Devin Stetler is looking like Tom Cruise’s Down Syndrome brother, was part of the Central Park fauxto-shoot NEVAH FORGET!

    Devin Stetler!

    • Worrisome Pelts says:

      Do you know where I can find a picture of Devin Stetler? Devin Stetler seems to be camera shy. If only Devin Stetler would do the world a favor and allow it to gaze on the wonder that is Devin Stetler’s shiny, shiny visage. Oh Devin Stetler, why can’t I quit Devin Stetler?

      Devin Stetler is the new fetch and he is SO going to happen.

      • Andy Whorehol says:

        Pssssst: I hear Devin Stetler rides a pink tutu-wearing donkey. Pass it on!

      • Prom Party Burnout says:

        Hummm….looks like a head shot…maybe more LA auditions and trying to get an acting/modeling/paid arm candy gig since he’s not that busy being unemployed, allegedly, er…. um… freelancing and/or consulting on a project to project basis. Break up writing is on the wall. Bet Julia’s been too busy leaving hate voicemail messages and crying into her pillow to post or tweek or blog or whatever.

        • Grifty Shades of Bray says:

          Wonder if she cancelled the NY Social Media ROI gig because he wouldn’t go with her as her lapdog again?

    • Sake Bombardier says:

      Not Central Park. “photo by Rhoel Paghunasan. — with Rhoel Paghunasan at Pasadena, CA.”

      • EyeRoller says:

        Well then where the hell are our Central Park photos? The public has a right! Oh, shoulda known, in the queue, never mind…

  27. Bethany says:

    Hi all! First let me say I’ve been reading posts and comments since Friday afternoon (it’s now early Tuesday morning) and I have a boner for all of you. Everyone’s funny, I love the community spirit and I especially appreciate the sleuth work done by some because Donkey is one goofy bitch. Anyway, I subscribed to her facebook profile because I’m fascinated and I, along w some of you, am dying to know where she’s been? I have a feeling she may reemerge single. Thanks for becoming my new favorite place on the internet!

    • Ex Spurt says:

      Heya Bethany. I’ve been a Donkology follower for about six years now. It wasn’t the Donkster who got my initial attention but the people who were snarking on her. I’ve really been following them in various Donk snark forums over the years, and they rock. The tarted-up-train-wreck who is Julia Allison is an entertaining point and laugh bonus.

      Enjoy.

    • Prof. F Camping Prof. F Camping says:

      [img]http://i.chzbgr.com/completestore/2011/11/7/9fad193b-21db-49b6-851a-ded4f5bf24cb.jpg[/img]

  28. ShesJustStupid says:

    And there’s this:

    ” ScottSpiro: @juliaallison Jane saw you yesterday morning as she drove to work- are you ok? (had us worried) · Reply · RT

    • How Brayella got Her Hoove Back says:

      The general consensus being that a D0nkey sighting before 2:00 p.m. indicates trouble in paradise.

    • Who do you think you are? says:

      Ruh-roh! The obvious theories: (1) Donkey has been informed Miss Advised will in no way ever in fucking hell see the light of day again. (2) Devin Stetler peaced out. (3) Donkey is flat broke.

      Could it be that Donkey is taking our advice and managing through this privately (but in true Donkey style, shirking all of her responsibilities in the meantime, e.g. Business Insider)?

      Or is she so devastated (read: embarrassed) that the only course of action is to keep quiet?

    • EyeRoller says:

      Why were they so worried? Was she sobbing while driving or something? She’s gonna get pulled over and busted for a DUCry.

    • Fashion Girl says:

      These people are such tools. “Hi, my wife/girlfriend/whatever saw you yesterday, and you looked really upset. Let me send you a public tweet to express my concern rather than contacting you privately.”

      • Blinking.S.O.S.at.the.Camera says:

        Oh no, blew her cover! Bcuz I’m thinking she told b.i. she was unexpectedly called for an important out-of-the-country mission “for all the girls”.

Comments are closed.