L’SHANA TOVA PIG OF LOVE (The 72-hour Photo Wrapup Edition!)

(Guest post courtesy of EyeRoller, a brand-new, yet well on his way to his Donk PhD, Type-A hater)

By Donkey (One-eighth to one-quarter Jewish!!!, at least when I am trying to snag a rich Jewish dude)

Here’s to a good year, to my sea of Jewish and non-Jewish readers alike. It’s ME, Donkey! It’s been a puffy week and I’m too full of resolutions, revelations and deep ass thoughts to count, so before we get started, for the broken-record-umpteenth time, let’s get one thing crystal-zirconium-clear — I NEVER READ HERE. Now that we’ve straightened that out, I’ll waste no time catching you, my humble public, up to speed on everything ME.

I know, I know…

Anyway, I’ve wasted dozen of sleepless, “brainstormy” hours tailspinning in my usual patterns, all over the country. Part of these cerebral thundershowers included the light bulb moment “DUDE, WHERE’S MY DOG,” so I immediately packed up all my pink shit and fluttered off to the airport to:

1) Put the ‘chic’ in Chicago

2) Receive a “This is what we paid $100,00 for a Georgetown diploma for?!?!” lecture from my parents

3) Reclaim my elderly dog, who’d be better off staying with my parents and eating guacamole and cranberry Alpo every night rather than stuffing her back into my Vera Bradley rollaway and resuming the grifter lifestyle in which I’ve raised her.

“I Heart Chicago”

Unfortunately, I had to leave my little Agador behind so that he could make fish and steamed vegetables for Timothy Sykes every night. I even slipped him an extra $20 to bleach the toilets and scrub my spray tan moltings out of the tub in @Tim Sykes’ guest bathroom. That’s right, THE BOYFRIEND doesn’t have a master’s degree and more importantly, he’s not a professional violinist, therefore I feel extremely comfortable employing him as a housekeeper. Don’t worry everyone, that #taskrabbitloverboy will be fine while I’m away.

“It’s Donkey with the ‘E’ and ‘Y’ scraped off.”

So then I hopped a flight and failed, rapidly upwards and homebound, at 500 mph towards Chicago. Actually, it was a little east of Chicago (as in Ohio) because that’s as far as I could afford to go and figured I’d grift out the rest from there. I found an amazing airport bathroom that provided a great venue for a makeshift fauxto shoot. I tried to get this guy to hold my phone and snap the photos while I posed, but he seemed highly uninterested.

“Stop tapping my foot under the stall, Donkey.”

I waited for him to exit and proceeded with my shoot, which I tweeted for your enjoyment. Isn’t a shirt and shorts and boots the craziest travel outfit you’ve ever heard of???


You may think this is where the journey ends, but we’ve only just begun home fries, because I managed to sell enough blood to a Red Cross in Cleveland to afford me a Greyhound to Peoria and a commuter flight from there. I was then personally dropped onto the roof of my parents’ home:

“Hometown Donkey Makes Good!”

 Once I landed and untangled my pelts, it was time for to look my parents flat in the eyes and hear the truth:

“Where the fuck have you been, Jerlier?”

The only reply I could think of to do was grab a baton, start twirling, and screaming a Cyndi Lauper lyric:

They didn’t respond well to that. Specifically, they both started openly weeping, so I stomped, hard, then stormed upstairs and blamed them for my life, crouched in the hallway underneath my framed 4th grade piano recital picture, and got my revenge by tweeting the following:

“Was anyone else taught by their parents that fun = bad? So in their adult life they always feel guilty about having a good time? Just me?”

“As a result, I am very talented at looking like I’m having fun without actually having fun at all.”

“I’m talented and miserable. JUST LOOK AT ME!”

Then, I stormed back downstairs and respectfully explained to my parents that my show just ended. They then explained that Miss Advised wrapped filming a looooooong time ago and that WATCHING the show when it airs a year later doesn’t count as working.

I cried and cried and stormed upstairs again. Then I stormed downstairs again and cried some more, with my hands over my ears, until they agreed to switch the topic and argue about national debt with each other, thus placing us squarely back where we always end up — sitting, wordless, mouths deep, in guacamole-filled silence.

September 17, 2012: An uncomfortable night at The Baughers.

After that, there wasn’t much to do but head upstairs again, to my childhood bedroom, where I’ve settled in and logged online as I type this to you now dear readers, but I must wrap up soon, because PencilDonk and I have a “doll fuck” date on Skype tonight. For all you tech virgins out there, that’s when I take my Barbie, PencilDonk takes his Ken Doll, and we smash and grind their smooth plastic crotches against our screens while making kissy face smooch noises. Don’t worry, we use protection. And by that I mean we scotch tape Saran Wrap over our screens so we don’t scratch up our monitors.

“Boyfriend, can you see me?”

Yes readers, I like my PencilDonk, but instead of tweeting about what a Prince Charming HE is, I prefer to tweet links to bridal blogs that refer to other women’s husbands as “Prince Charmings” —

“Read the groom’s sweet sentiments below the photos. WOW!!! See, Prince Charmings DO exist!! (cc ‪@StyleMePretty‬)”

 I want this woman’s husband! Wouldn’t be the first hubs I’ve targeted, amirite??!?!??!

In short, friends and haters, it’s been a jetlagged couple of whacked-out days and I can’t tell oily pelts from from skunk tails right now. I’m sure I’ll figure it all out one day, right? I’m just an innocent girl making mistakes in a modern world LOL!!! It’s like that random quote I tweeted a couple of days ago, from the great writer and 1929 Boston Bulldogs football player Ralph Waldo Emarston:

“The greatest embarrassments happen when you go way beyond the point of insanity and still refuse to quit.”

 Or something like that.


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138 Responses to L’SHANA TOVA PIG OF LOVE (The 72-hour Photo Wrapup Edition!)

  1. Spoutless Teapot says:

    Hooray, Eyeroller! I LOVE the comparison to Agador. I hope that name sticks, it’s even better than PencilDonk.

  2. A colossus of scheme juices and failure says:

    “Doll fuck date on Skype”?

    It is to chortle.

  3. SirClompsAlot says:

    Epic post!!!!!!!!!

    I don’t know why she pretends she doesn’t read here. If I were an evil conniving fucktard, and had an entire website devoted to my every move, I’d own that shit. I’d use it as my own personal focus group to figure out a better way to get away with shit. Clearly, she’s secretly trying that, but it’s not working, because she reads everything as a compliment. Donkey fails at even being a sociopath.

  4. Worrisome Pelts Aflame says:

    *Slow clap*

  5. Grifty Shades of Bray says:

    I am verklempt and kvelling, Eyeroller!

  6. Dyspeptic says:

    “I’m sure I’ll figure it all out one day, right? I’m just an innocent girl making mistakes in a modern world LOL!!”

    Such a cogent distillation of the current Donks-just-wanna-have-grifter-fun(ds) persona.

  7. Sausage Snappers says:

    “Was anyone else taught by their parents that fun = bad? So in their adult life they always feel guilty about having a good time? Just me?”

    “As a result, I am very talented at looking like I’m having fun without actually having fun at all.”

    This makes no sense. First of all, why is she on this blame-the-parents-for-everything-wrong-with-me shtick? She’s 31 frickin years old. GROW THE FUCK UP.

    Wouldn’t it make more sense for her to claim to have learned how to appear as if she ISN’T having fun when she really is? Ugh I’ve spent far too much time trying to puzzle this out.

    • Trayfe says:

      GET A JOB = “Was anyone else taught by their parents that fun = bad? So in their adult life they always feel guilty about having a good time? Just me?”

    • JFA says:

      In addition, that is the kinda shit you share with your fucking therapist. Not twitter, not Facebook. My word. I feel icky enough sometimes sharing about my culinary failures no my FB and I have like, 300 something friends. Can you imagine sharing this crap with thousands? I mean, no one is reading, but still. No one needs to know about your impending mental breakdown/arrested development.

    • How Brayella got Her Hoove Back says:

      “As a result, I am very talented at looking like I’m having fun without actually having fun at all.”

      “It’s hard work & no fun at all, Daddy, but I have to go places & pose for pictures, Daddy — IT’S MY JOB!!! Tell him, Mommy! Mommy, are you even listening? MOMMY!! You guys never question Britt! LEAVE ME ALONE!”

      • EyeRoller says:


      • After Market Errands says:

        Ugh this reminds me of the Aspen debacle: posts many tense, awkward, painfully fake-smily photos of the Non-Society post-birthcray, enforced trip to Aspen (that would prove to be Jordan’s last straw). Then never reads here as dozens of people point out how unhappy the trip appears. Then, rights a “confessional,”honest,” post about how she knows her life looks soooo perfect and soooo happy from the outside but shocker: behind the cameras things were actually a bit tense and weird in Aspen. It seemed she expected this “reveal” to have the power of a post-Brady memoir confessing sex between Brady siblings. She was not a reality star then, no one else was ev-er running the camera. Just her shouting me-me-me look how cute! Now with balloons!

        The fuck? Every time the internet says, wow you really look like you are forcing a fake image of fun and not actually having any plus ruining any hopes of fun for all around you, she responds with the I know my life is enviably happy-sparkly and I fake it per-fect-ly, but would you believe, sometimes I am unhappy inside!

  8. sausage curls/fingers says:

    Bravo!! (ad#) This is most interesting and compelling than anything she’s actually done in months.

  9. Frequent Liar Miles says:

    Those “sentiments” from “Prince Charming” seem to be the whimperings of an emasculated, sycophantic lapdog, which is of course why they are right up Donkey’s alley. She must have just been creaming herself reading them. GAG!!!

    • Gimme Pig of Love says:


      Also, did you not find his story creepy as fuck?

      • Frequent Liar Miles says:

        Yes. I could definitely see Mr. Seemingly Perfect Husband snapping when he decides she has been flirting with the mailman or something and then imprisoning her in the basement of their lovely, upscale, ranch-style house in their leafy, bucolic neighborhood because HE LOVES HER SO MUCH.

        # Too Much Lifetime
        #Mother May I Sleep with Danger

  10. Lady Donk Donk says:

    How does she afford to do all this fucking traveling???

    • How Brayella got Her Hoove Back says:


    • EyeRoller says:

      I often wonder the same thing. Maybe Expedia accepts Cheesy Skillets and tweet promotion in exchange for plane fare?

      • Gimme Pig of Love says:

        I think if she’s just paying for plane fare (by sleeping on other people’s couches, etc.), it’s not actually that expensive, especially if her family is fairly well off, which they clearly are.

        Still makes her an irresponsible lazy donkey, but traveling isn’t crazy expensive. My cousin (who is not a donkey) is taking half a year off after graduating in May to travel around the world and visit friends (which, you know, she’s 21, not 30). Her family is upper middle class, not crazy wealthy, but it’s definitely doable if you book your tickets in advance, use frequent flyer miles, etc.

        • Queen Neferteeri says:

          If her family were fairly well off, she wouldn’t have had to move out of NY and into their home. Nor would she have been wearing all that cheap shit Forever 21 crap and Bakers shoes.

          • JFA says:

            Guess it depends on your definition of “well off” which most people would say, includes a family with an expensive home on a lake in a posh Chicago suburb, a downtown CHicago condo, a father who makes prob well into 6 figures as a partner at a law firm, etc. Also, clearly Granny Moneybags was rich and there was some money in the family previously. SO, yeah, especially in comparison to most of the US, they are wealthy. Not super rich but certainly upper class.

            I think re: her style, she’s just cheap and tacky. And maybe her trust fund is limited. But no way she doesn’t have a cushion of dough somewhere.

          • Queen Neferteeri says:

            Oh, they’re definitely upper middle class, but they apparently couldn’t afford to keep her living in NY.

            How big is his law firm? How many partners? How much do they bill annually?

            They can support her to a certain degree, but not in an upper class lifestyle.

          • Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

            Or maybe they just refused to continue supporting her extended NYC vacation.

            I think by any standard the Baughers are well off, unless of course you’re Mitt Romney, and then they’re parasites on the government teat.

          • Queen Neferteeri says:

            There are degrees of well off, and they don’t ping as being significantly so. Better than average? Definitely. The old money wealth that she wishes she could be? No way. She has absolutely none of the tastes, habits, etc., of that type.

            Your political posturing is boring and lame. *yawn*

          • c says:

            Her family IS fairly well off, you do not know what you speak of.

            If you find Jacy’s political posturing boring and lame then get the fuck off the site/cite/sight.

            Furthermore, your comments are really stupid.

          • Queen Neferteeri says:

            Brilliant arguments. So totally convincing. I was pointing out a certain hypocrisy, but that went over your head, of course.
            If you claim to know what you speak of, put up or shut up, stupid hick.

        • JFA says:

          Maybe not that expensive but, SHE HAS NO JOB. She has no income. So not only is she traveling everywhere, on zero income, but she is also somehow paying rent/for food/stupid ugly shoes/what have you.

          Trust fund. The end. No other explanation makes sense, unless as some have surmised, she has approximately 250,000 on credit cards since she’s been living this way since at least 2007 with scant employment the entire time.

  11. SirClompsAlot says:

    Oh come on now:

    Personal branding tip: an intelligent book with your byline is the best business card of all.

    So many things wrong with that tweet. Anyone care to list them?

    • Princess WideStance says:

      – She could never write an intelligent book
      – You write intelligent books because you want to share ideas, not because you want to get in free at the next grifter conference
      – Personal branding is and always has been bullshit
      – Even if it wasn’t bullshit, she is the last person to ask about anything PR-related
      – She is a fucktard

      That’s what I had off the top of my head.

    • How Brayella got Her Hoove Back says:

      Julia Allison can’t even author an intelligent 140-character tweet (not that her more than 100k+ purchased fans in the ‘stans care).

      IN OTHER NEWS: A museum in Lubbock, TX euthanized* two mules, one the same age as Mulia Mallison, for display purposes. Talk about expiration date!

      (* they would otherwise have been sent to Mexico & slaughtered)

      • A colossus of scheme juices and failure says:

        She said “have”, not “author”.

        Most books “written by” celebrities are actually ghostwritten.

        Sometimes the actual writer has met the celebrity in question briefly, sometimes they don’t even get that (i.e. face time with the celebrity).

        Of course she can’t even write a sentence!

    • Grifty Shades of Bray says:

      Personal branding tip: Don’t take personal branding advice from someone who built and then systematically destroyed their personal brand image due to rampant narcissism and incompetence.

    • Librarian says:

      Books don’t have bylines, articles do

    • Gimme Pig of Love says:

      Why does she think she’s qualified to give out this advice? Not only does she not have an intelligent book, she has NO book.

      Also, it’s not like books just happen, or you can write one if you just FEEL like it or want to work on your PERSONAL BRAND.


      • Grifty Shades of Bray says:

        But…but….she met with her “lit” agent in New York!

        So Donk! Where’s the book proposal and marketing info? Where is the TOC? Where is the first chapter writing sample? Why are YOU qualified to write this book unless it’s a book about OVERSHARING ON THE INTERNET? Who is your “lit” agent and who does he/she plan to pitch this to?

        Besides, what kind of advance do you think you would get for your first book from a nobody about nothing, in a market that is oversaturated with vanity publications from reality “stars”? Do you know you’ll have to bust your hump writing this thing under their deadline (which you will have a hard time adhering to) and the only money you will likely ever see from this book is your advance? Do you know your writing style is SHIT and that your editor will be tearing out his/her hair dealing with you?

        Give it up, Donkey. You don’t have what it takes and this alleged book is not the answer to your inability to grow up.

    • JFA says:

      There will never be a book with her name as author. Mark my words. She’s been trotting this lie out for years now.

      I surmised this the other day. This “I have a book coming out” BS will sustain her grifting lifestyle until she decides the grift. But no book will materialize.

    • JFA says:

      Also, this really makes me LOL. I don’t even get wtf she is talking about, but presumably based on responses above she’s trying to intimate that she has a book coming out. Bitch? Even if you did, which you DON’T, that would be fucking walmart bargain bin material at best…is she fucking serious that she would publish anything other than complete and utter drivel, maybe some “dating advice from a former dating failure” bullshit? Sure, that’s not been done before, 100,000 times, and better, by pretty much everyone.

      Of all the things she does that annoy me, pretending to be smart might be the worst one. Intelligent book my ass. has she ever done or said a single intelligent thing?


      • JFA says:

        Will her book be like that awesome, syndicated in India and Sheboygan or whatever, column she had, in the form of Q&A from “readers” about tech issues no one gives a crap about? That obviously went over really well. Quite a voice on this one.

      • Prof. F Camping says:

        she thinks because tim ferret and mesh shirt ellsberg had “best sellers,” she can have one too.

        • Albie Quirky says:

          Creepy sex gargoyle’s book was a best seller? That makes me sad.

          Of course Ferret’s book was a best seller, because it was total wish fulfillment. Stay tuned for my next book, “Lose Weight, Have Better Sex by Eating Chocolate!”

          • Prof. F Camping says:

            eh, i take that back. but he DID get a book published, and i’m sure julie is laboring (haha!) under the misunderstanding that it was a best seller. he is daniel ellsberg’s son, after all.

  12. SirClompsAlot says:


    ‘What other people label or might try to call failure, I have learned is just God’s way of pointing you in a new direction.’ – Oprah Winfrey
    Retweeted by Julia Allison

    • Worrisome Pelts Aflame says:

      I don’t have any intel on this one, but I’m inclined to think that she sees the hoof-writing on the stall in terms of Miss Assvice’s cancellation. Cue Donkey explaining that it was only a one season contract/she’d accomplished what she set out to do/we’re all just jealous in five four three two…

      • Librarian says:

        Mutually agreed
        Still in each other’s lives as friends

      • Queen Neferteeri says:

        The show has decided to move to Guam and film future seasons there, but they’ll always remain besties!

      • Ca Ca Nails says:

        This. Caught Watch What Happens last night, and Andy Cohen was majorly kissing up to one of the Gallery Girls and mentioned how much buzz the show was getting and how much he enjoyed it. Not sure if the ratings reflect that, but if he’s pulling for an underdog to resurrect for one more season, it’s not going to be Miss Assviced.

        • Jordache & the Pelts says:

          I’ve only seen the first three episodes of Gallery Girls but it is certainly more entertaining than Miss Advised and hits the younger female demographic Andy seems to be after. Those chicas are silly and spoiled but I kinda enjoy watching those little chipmunks scamper around aimlessly.

        • Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

          Funny, he never said anything like that when the Miss Advised ladies were on the show.

    • Gimme Pig of Love says:

      Orpah Winfrey is a billionaire with her own show, magazine, books, school for the girls….

      What have you done with your life, Donk?

    • JFA says:

      This is why I hate twitter and refuse to really ever get into it. I refuse to have a twitter unless I have something very funny, witty, relevant, different etc to say (same feeling with blogging). I mean, does the world really need to see recycled fucknig Oprah quotes? Jaysus. Even my 59 year old mother finds that shit boring. She really has no idea trite she is and how little she brings to the table.

  13. Princess WideStance says:

    WATCHING the show when it airs a year later doesn’t count as working


  14. A colossus of scheme juices and failure says:
  15. Fameless Shamewhore says:

    Just wanted to let you know, EyeRoller, how much I enjoyed your virgin post. Brilliant. Thanks so so much and WELCOME!

  16. Prof. F Camping says:

    I am at a professional office in Chicago wearing all black, including a (faux) leather jacket. It’s slightly awkward.

    YES, it’s serious bidness lady costume time!


    • Albie Quirky says:

      Ew, pleather.

      Don’t wear pleather unless you’re vegan, Julie. Everyone know you’re not vegan, so don’t even front.

    • How Brayella got Her Hoove Back says:

      Faux leather on haux d0nkey?

    • SirClompsAlot says:

      “professional office”


      Professional Business Lady with Professional Business to do today!

      Of course the subtext is: “I’m at daddy’s office to pick up my check.”

    • EyeRoller says:

      Wow, what an awkward moment for Donkey. The only thing more terrible than that would’ve been finding herself in an unprofessional office wearing all white, including a polar bear fur jacket. That would’ve been much more interesting too, no?

    • Pescachickenarian says:

      Dadsers making her visit the trust accountants?

      “as you can see from this graph, if you keep withdrawing capital at this rate there will be nothing left in four years”.
      “umm not sure”
      “how about if I make the graph pink?”
      “I’ll run out of pink???”
      “if by pink you mean money, yes”
      “have you seen a picture of my boyfriend? Doesn’t he look cute dressed as a muppet receiving anal?”

      • How Brayella got Her Hoove Back says:

        “have you seen a picture of my boyfriend?
        Doesn’t he look cute dressed as a muppet receiving anal?”

        But, where are the shoes, Julia?

  17. Malformed Face (Like a Bloated Deli Ham Left in a Mercedes C Class) says:

    No congrats to bestie Brit Morin who is now going to be on Katie Couric’s talk show? Surely Donkey gave Brit her start by having her on Miss Advised!

    • Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

      OMG how is that possible? Is she going to show Katie how to make wine-stoppers out of discarded tampon applicators?

      • Prof. F Camping says:

        she’s Meghan Asha 2.0, “tech correspondent.” it’ll be yawn-inducing stuff about lifestyle apps, workout gear, and dumb recipes like lasagna cookies.

      • Jordache & the Pelts says:

        Brit, “Tech Expert, ” demonstrated some dumb app that puts celebrity hairstyles on the user’s face to figure out what style suits them best. groundbreaking, brilliant stuff. Brit pointed out repeatedly that she is a southern girl and likes her hair big, but I don’t think her hair was really that big. she wasn’t particularly charming and was generic like those bland style experts on BetterTV or Steven and Chris.
        I was watching for Wendy Williams – I love her and she is the sunshine hour of my day – and she’s had cute chemistry with Couric in the past. wendy talked about her thyroid disease and the wigs she chooses to wear. I don’t think Couric’s show has much of a future – too many right now even Jeff Probst. also, I hate aNderson Cooper’s new set/format. Yes I am underemployed right now.

  18. How Brayella got Her Hoove Back says:

    Donkeys are making the news today!

    Aggressive Donkey (Kaufman Co) Sheriff’s Office working an aggressive donkey at a residence along CR 230. “Complainant is in a field and cannot get back to the house because the donkey may attack.” Kaufman County Sheriff’s Office to the rescue.

  19. Opposite of fashion says:

    Black clothes are high status markers among the professional class so unless the professional office in question is a nursing school sit down

  20. SirClompsAlot says:

    My dad always starts super serious life conversations when I’m late for the airport. This one was on “putting down roots.” And how I should.

  21. EyeRoller says:

    She’s stuck in the airport and firing it up on twitter tonight everybody. Here we go:

    Julia Allison ‏@JuliaAllison
    I wish I had been born in an airport. That would be a much cooler story.

    Julia Allison ‏@JuliaAllison
    That was beyond sarcastic, if you couldn’t tell. Stuck at the airport, I am feeling cranky tonight.

    Julia Allison ‏@JuliaAllison
    Victoria Osteen with earth shattering advice: “Watch the debates!” “Vote!” on @piersmorgan now #CNN. Brilliant. Really invigorating tv.

    Julia Allison ‏@JuliaAllison
    And of course my flight is delayed two hours. Now I’m forced to listen to bloviating political commentators on cable news. Shoot me please.

  22. DollFuckDate says:



  23. Tingolayo says:

    Don’t you hate it when your stodgy old parents give you a lecture about your chosen lifestyle? When they question the career you’ve worked so hard to build, and the way you choose to spend your own money? When you’re 31 years old and you have your own life to live? Oh, wait….

    What do I know–I’m just a widdle girl who wears pink tutus and hair ribbons and my mommy’s high heels. Don’t be mean to me; I might roll over and submissively urinate.

  24. MissAssvice says:

    @AntDeRosa: This explains everything about Philippe Reines in one photo http://t.co/XdjFwf07

    She oboed the grifter lol


    • MissAssvice says:

      Correction old photo from 2007. Media is way behind. I had forgot about her crashing the correspondents dinner lol

    • Sacred Scrapbooks says:

      This is just delicious, to see one of her photo brags used this way. If you don’t know, the tweeter is a Reuters writer, and the simpering tool in the photo is the point guy at the State Dept. who raked CNN over the diary of the late ambassador to Libya, and who today told a reporteroid from some blog to “fuck off.”

      But, wait! There’s more! Her former ‘colleague’ from RedEye responded:

      @andylevy: @AntDeRosa lol
      1:38 AM – 25 Sep 12

      Julia Allison, punchline.

    • mule on rouge says:

      Her smug is off the charts and she’s contorting so hard that her spine appears deformed. Great example of her ridiculous Shiny Face makeup technique, which includes applying no less than four layers of gunk. Those white highlights on her cheeks and forehead are LIP GLOSS!

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