Let the Dual Toolbag Fauxto Shoots Begin!!!

Anyone know a fantastically talented NY photographer who can do a two hour shoot in Central Park tomorrow? Email me! JA@JuliaAllison.com :-)

Do you suppose this douchebag has EVER been happier? She is hiring help to clean up her piggy messes because apparently she and PencilDonk are too lazy to do dishes or launder their sheets, she’s insulting the Poors on Twitter by asserting menial labor is beneath anyone with a master’s degree (or any reality show “star,” for that matter), and she’s finally landed a dude as embarrassingly vain as she is who is delighted to do his Derek Zoolander face in fauxto shoots with a delusional, no-longer-hot donkey. What is it, you think? She thinks she looks like a hiefer in the “casual” shots of the two of them and so wants a professional who can light them properly and Photoshop the shit out of the photos? How it must kill her when she looks at pictures of the two of them and thinks he looks thinner and prettier than she does.

Tool. Severe tool.

 

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197 Responses to Let the Dual Toolbag Fauxto Shoots Begin!!!

  1. Malformed Face (Like a Bloated Deli Ham Left in a Mercedes C Class) says:

    CHRISTMAS IN SEPTEMBER!!!!!!

  2. BJ's in Donkeyland says:

    This chick is on a high right now. I’m torn…not sure if I should look forward to the crash n’ burn of the end of this relationship or the shit show of her pink tutu wedding.

  3. Malformed Face (Like a Bloated Deli Ham Left in a Mercedes C Class) says:

    Also… she knows plenty of photographers. She wants someone to do it for free. This is the benefit of her buying 100,000 (that we know of) fake Twitter followers – the person can think they are getting their big break.

    She is a pig.

    • Jack the Bulldog says:

      Yoo hoo! Monika de Myer! Oh wait, once burned … but it doesn’t matter. There are plenty more community college students out there looking for their big break fauxtographing & fauxtoshopping a donkey and her handler jumping over the LOVE “sculpture.” I’m guessing Yoolia’s Eunuch jumps highest, what with his legs used to being airborne.

    • Norse Horse says:

      Such a pig. Oh, I hate her so much when she tries to pull shit like this- she wants a “fantastically talented” photographer like, tomorrow, to no doubt work for free. I hate her so much I’m shaking my hands, she is so awful.

  4. Prof. F Camping Prof. F Camping says:

    re-posting!

    She’s hoping her fauxtoshoots will go from this

    [img]http://media.timeout.com/images/resizeBestFit/100086313/660/370/image.jpg[/img]

    to this

    [img]http://static.weddingchicks.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/11/tandem_bike1.jpg[/img]

    but it will be more like this

    [img]http://travel.nationalgeographic.com/u/H6yMi6fUB_1JR964xxG8RxsYArlNNn1lR5PWutchI0C3sXibJ7ixtMNPGMOURuM73kuDOUAMr1IL/[/img]

  5. Psychotic Today says:

    BEST BIRTHDAY GIFT EVER!!!!!!!!!!!! I was sad we would have to wait until Halloween but she is delivering early. Bless her.

  6. sausage curls/fingers says:

    Does she think Bravo will pick up another season if she talks about Devin Stetler enough? Trying to formulate her own redemption story, maybe? With Devin Stetler? Devin Stetler, Devin Stetler, Devin Stetler?

    • Jack the Bulldog says:

      Do you mean gayfaced grifter Deven Stetler? The Devin Stetler unemployed for the last nine months and clearly not interested in working, unless it’s showcasing his emaciated, hairless chest?

      • Malformed Face (Like a Bloated Deli Ham Left in a Mercedes C Class) says:

        I do think she means gay hustler and unemployed grifter Devin Stetler. It could be another Devin Stetler but I’m pretty sure she means this Devin Stetler and not another Devin Stetler.

        I mean, how many bonerless, gummy smiled, guy-lovin’ guys who like to wear pink short shorts and hot pants named Devin Stetler can there be?

        • sausage curls/fingers says:

          Is the Devin Stetler you guys are talking about a wangless butterface who loves when his girlfriend dresses him up and parades him around like he’s her shih-tzu even more than he loves reading about Halo? That’s the Devin Stetler I was talking about.

          PS Devin Stetler

          • RollsRoyceRevenge says:

            I am pretty sure it is what-if-a-little-can-of-vienna-sausages-were-a-human-being Devin Stetler. As opposed to any other sort of Devin Stetler. Although, I suppose she could mean Davenport Statler, which, as a hotel in a town that has seen better times, has had its share of lousy lays.

    • Norse Horse says:

      I can’t believe I apologized to someone here last month for saying Gayfaced Devin Stetler seemed more like an LA actor/model on the make, rather than a Gayfaced Devin Stetler “programmer”. I retract that apology to the person who fucking complained about my impression of Gayfaced Devin Stetler as a work-shy hustler looking for some really cheap “fame” by associating with A Donk who was in that pathetic show that’s already over , forgotten. That is all.

      • Jack the Bulldog says:

        P.S. Devin Stetler. (Fixed that for ya, Norsey Horsey.)

      • Albie Quirky says:

        He’s not an actor or model. I have no idea what he is, though, or what he’s hoping to get out of trailing around Julie. It’s certainly not getting him any work as a computer dude, unless he’s angling to get that from Pillsbury Douchebro.

  7. Prof. F Camping Prof. F Camping says:

    that was fast

    @jasonshrek: @NewCarMark @juliaallison thanks!!! #NCM :) Julia, contact me regarding the time and details :)

    @_clotheshorse: @JuliaAllison i do! what time are you looking for?

  8. Grifty Shades of Bray says:

    I wonder if somehow it is for this, on Sept. 27 in NYC? Will she really be couch surfing with Twinkerballs until then?

    http://www.businessinsider.com/web-celeb-julia-allison-yep-that-julia-allison-is-speaking-at-social-media-roi-2012-7

  9. Engagement photos, perhaps?

    We can only dream…

    • Dr. Gary says:

      That’s exactly what I thought. Engagement pix for the NY Times, haters!

    • Who do you think you are? says:

      I thought the same. Maybe she’ll end up with an accidental Hitler mustache just like Charlotte on SATC!

    • diluted brain says:

      That was my secret hope also but you know she’ll be tweeting her engagement before telling her family and um if she has any friends left..

    • Blowjobs by Bravo says:

      Holiday Card for sure! Which they will be long done by then and it makes it all the sweeter.

  10. Grifty Shades of Bray says:

    I wonder if she is still planning her “spiritual journey to Peru and Machu Picchu” (sic) in October and November?

    • Malformed Face (Like a Bloated Deli Ham Left in a Mercedes C Class) says:

      No, she’s done with Buddhist Andrew Bancroft so that’s off. No need to be spiritual anymore!

  11. Malformed Face (Like a Bloated Deli Ham Left in a Mercedes C Class) says:

    So we must have a cat lady photographer who can email her and get the deets. Free? Not free? It’s not poking, it’s research for the genuinely curious! Unless Mom and Dad say no.

  12. HoyaSaxa says:

    Long time lurker, first time commenter, and I typically find this site hilarious. However, body-snarking her is categorically absurd. Anyone who can look at a photo of this woman and see someone who is anything but in great shape and even a little too thin, IMHO, is fucking delusional.

    • Malformed Face (Like a Bloated Deli Ham Left in a Mercedes C Class) says:

      Um, then you have not been lurking for long. Read more. Also, do not internalize the snark! Hope that helps!

    • Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

      She body-snarks herself. She was more concerned about her weight while watching Miss Advised than she was about the fact that she looks like she should have been locked up in a mental institution. I guarantee you she doesn’t like the way she looks in all the photos of them she’s spewing out all over the place, and so wants professional ones taken in which she’ll believe herself to look thinner and hotter. And then she’ll spew them out all over the place and bask in the validation when Internet strangers Tweet to her about how “tiny and cute” she looks.

    • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

      Hai D0nkey!

      P.S. Donkey!

    • neverbotoxed says:

      While not in bad shape, I would not say she’s in “great shape.” I would say she is in average shape. And the only reason why some might think she looks “a little too thin” is because she has very prominent collarbones and likes outrageous contortions that force her ribs to stick out. Thin and appearing to be thin are not the same things.

    • A colossus of scheme juices and failure says:

      Stop jezebelling the life of our jokes, please.

      If you don’t like us making fun of the Donkey, try juliaallison.com, julia.nonsociety.com or any of her other vanity sites.

      • Norse Horse says:

        “Jezebelling the life out of jokes”- ugh, so true. But hey, meanspirited spinsters need their kicks too.*

        *just fucking kidding, a bit. But not really. Can’t stand the speech-policing righteousness of that crowd, at all.

        Oh, and Donks is too thin? Lawlz, what the fuck with what the OP said. Wot?

    • Grammarian says:

      flabby, untoned, bloated, bad plastic surgery

    • Stinky Velour Couture says:

      How can Julie be “in great shape” if she NEVER exercises?
      Never….not infrequently, but just never. It shows, she is flabby—
      especially on the LA Standard.

    • Albie Quirky says:

      Saying someone is “too thin” is also body-policing. Whoops! You got your body policing in your scolding about body policing.

      Julie Albertson is average sized, not particularly in shape, and dresses in unflattering clothes for her figure. Calling her “fat” is silly, because she’s average sized, and also insulting to the world’s many glorious fat women who don’t want an average-sized couch potato stepping to their action (I would love to see Gabourey Sidibe throw some intense side-eye at Our Julie).

    • Tremendous Liar; Donkey Repugnant says:

      I’ve made this point before, but it’s odd not to tailor one’s standards to the subject of discussion. Saying a third grader is good at science and saying Einstein is good at science imply different degrees of “good”. Julia Allison, moron, bases her entire professional and personal life on being the hottest thang around. Calling her ugly means something very different than saying the same thing about nearly all other people.

      PS Donkey would be much prettier if she hadn’t fucked up the face she graduated high school with. Natural ages much better than fake, even when natural isn’t perfectly symmetrical or non-beaky.

      • bitchface says:

        exactly, not to metion ad naseum in perpetuity throughout the universe etc etc that Julia Allison Baugher’s biggest compliment other females as well as her measuring stick for women is that they are “tiny and cute”

    • EyeRoller says:

      Simply because I prefer to mock that mylar balloon she calls a face (that she fucked up, of her own free will, over and over again) doesn’t mean I can sit around telling other people what they can and can’t say about her body. Here’s what I say to that:
      [img]http://i49.tinypic.com/2ugnvit.jpg[/img]

    • Random Snowflake says:

      You’re insane.

    • Random Snowflake says:

      Girl has at least two chins here..

      [img]http://i49.tinypic.com/2z885mh.jpg[/img]

      ..and her thighs are fucking massive. “Too thin?” Surely you jest.

      [img]http://i.imgur.com/HcuFm.jpg[/img]

      • Gone with the Drapes says:

        sad saggy gut under the waistband in this one

      • Spoutless Teapot says:

        yuck she is barefoot at that wedding. looks like her shoes are off to the side. to her credit many other people seem to be as well? but still, eww. WHY did she wear glasses to that shindig? she really looks odd.

        • emma bourricot (slutty elephant costume) says:

          I think she realized she looked ridiculous and infantile in the outfit she chose and decided at the last minute that adding the glasses would give her some hipster edge. That’s my guess. At least Lala and the others put some thought into their costumes, unlike Donkey, who put on a grimy bra and slip and a pair of lace gloves. She looks really bad here, pale and flabby. The tiara/glasses combo is just so stuff.

    • Gone with the Drapes says:

      big tell: “look at a photo”

    • JFA says:

      Pretty sure a chick who posts 7000 pictures of her own ass in hot pants at Burning Man is sort of inviting such snark. But thanks for playing! #fatnow

  13. Greg says:

    doughy, but gluten-free doughy

  14. Tremendous Liar; Donkey Repugnant says:

    I’m hoping that her fauxtoshoot involves her riding a grifted horse. Since I’m sure her knowledge of Central Park is based mostly on romcoms, a grift horse is a distinct possibility.

  15. Peltergeist says:

    How have none of her many fauxtographers ever come in here to spill the beans?! Also, can you imagine her outrageous photoshop standards and demands? She’d never be happy with any photo of herself.

  16. ShesJustStupid says:

    So we’re coming to the end of her NYC trip and then it’s on to Chicago to pick up her dog she hasn’t seen in, like 3 weeks. The next big diversion she has planned for herself is her spiritual journey to Peru in October. I look forward to the between time.

    • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

      She won’t be going there; that was just for when she was still trying to wrangle Jelly Donut in & was going to be her excuse for hounding him.

  17. Who do you think you are? says:

    But what happened with Jamie Beck, Julia? YOU PROMISED US BALLGOWNS & BLING.

  18. Albie Quirky says:

    OT: This Yahoo! webseries is killing me. Explicit language, so maybe not for the office or before the kids’ bedtime. Burning Love, a spot-on parody of TV dating shows, yay.

  19. SirClompsAlot says:

    She looks like she’s wearing a kid’s swimming pool inner tube in the photo on this post. Also, the cutlets are drooping and swayed over to the sides a bit.

    Pencildonk just looks like he’s in the Village People. Although that’s an insult to the Village People. He WISHES he was in the village people. He’s like Tobias Funke lingering around tying to be in the Blue Man Group.

  20. diluted brain says:

    She is beyond cray that she is setting up a photoshoot with someone she has dated for 4 months (if it’s that long?)!!!

    I always can’t help but laugh that she always has more photos with a man in a 6 month relationship than I have with my husband in 6 years. Personally, I’d rather live in the moments than taking a picture every fucking moment of my life.

    • Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

      I have been with my man for four years — and one of those years we lived together — and I am moving in with him next year when we’re back in the same city, and there is all but ONE photo of us on my Facebook page, and I only posted it because we both look so hammered that it’s funny. She is mental. Just creating another album of photos with which she can torture herself if/when PencilDonk finally grows a sack and flees the insanity.

    • Grifty Shades of Bray says:

      I think all it is is a big fuck you project directed to everybody who watched DissAdvised and mocked her psychotic ass, or any guy who ever dumped her and is still friends with her on FB to say “SEEEE!??? SOMEONE LOVES ME FOR AUTHENTIC MEEEE! I IZ LOVEABLE AND YOU MISSED OUT!!!!” She is just so desperate for external validation from all sides.

      I don’t think she’s pregnant. She’s too narcissistic both to care for another something that she can’t just dump off on relatives while she flounces around the country on her little self-absorption tours, plus she would not want to further ruin her figure. We all know her raft ass would become a barge and she’d look matronly as hell, and she’ll never stand for that.

      No, I think that if she can’t have her wedding any time soon, she just wants to stage the sparkly dress up parties and fauxtoshoots with every guy who can stand to be with her for more than a month.

      I suspect she’ll bore of Twinkerballs soon (how could she not? He’s boring as hell) but will stick with him until she OBO’s. Which could take a while, though I predict she’ll cheat on him pretty soon.

  21. Blinking.S.O.S.at.the.Camera says:

    [img]http://i46.tinypic.com/33w3594.jpg[/img]

  22. MissAssvice says:

    I suspect a couple of things here. 1. Donks may be pregnant and if she is then there must be engagement fauxtos now and a wedding in short order. She says she is not pregnant but anytime she denies something it is usually true. Many of her “friends” are already trying to have kids or just announced their second child while being a CEO (Sarah Lacy).
    If she is not pregnant then she is doing a fauxto shoot in desperation to get herself out there to OBO the grifter. Either way without true professional help she will be a sad sack of fail within 4 years. Rinse and repeat her life so far as she refuses to fucking learn from it.

    • SchadenfreudianSlip says:

      If she is pregnant, that’s where I stop laughing. There’s nothing funny about Donkey having a child. She is a sociopath and a narcissist and no child deserves to be raised as a prop in one long piece of vile performance art.

    • Albie Quirky says:

      She’s not pregnant, and they can’t afford to get married. Neither of them has a job.

  23. Meow Mix says:

    Jacy, I emailed you something yesterday but wondering if I sent it to the right place… is it still the Jacy and Russian Girl gmail of days past?

  24. EyeRoller says:

    TWITTER PIG OF LOVE
    by Donkey

    (Expanded “September Issue”, featuring BONUS celebrity photo gallery!)

    Haute couture surprise and Central Park smooches to all you heelnippers and catnappers out there, it’s ME, Donkey! Since many of you are overtaken with involuntary bodily functions and your own personal cell regeneration, or simply too disgusted to follow me directly on twitter or an array of other social media platforms, I thought I’d bring my otherwise curious and gracious public up to speed on everything ME! Like sands through the hourglass, these are the brays of my life…
    [img]http://i50.tinypic.com/ve0i2w.jpg[/img]

    For the record, let me begin by saying I NEVER READ HERE. Also, in other news:
    [img]http://i50.tinypic.com/3307g2p.jpg[/img]

    Actually, let me modify the statement above by simply saying I NEVER READ
    PERIOD. That might clear up a lot of future headaches for all of us.
    [img]http://i47.tinypic.com/2604dud.jpg[/img]

    Anyhow, on the “great news!” front– I’ve nominated myself this year (again, lol!) for the British Plain English Campaign’s Foot In Mouth Award, which includes previous accolades to legendary winners such as 2006′s Naomi Campbell (“I love England, especially the food. There’s nothing I like more than a lovely bowl of pasta”) and 2008 honoree George W. Bush (Lifetime Achievement Award for “his services to gobbledygook”)– “I know what I believe. I will continue to articulate what I believe and what I believe – I believe what I believe is right.”

    I really believe I have a chance this year, I mean, that trophy is practically mine, mostly because it was hard to select from so many stupid things I’ve said. I ended up choosing this river deep, mountain wide thought I had yesterday on twitter: “It feels somehow unsettling to hire someone to clean who is a professional violinist”.
    [img]http://i47.tinypic.com/168ik2c.jpg[/img]

    Also, an adorable some-tard who I think actually still believes my pepto abysmal expert schtick tweeted me this pic yesterday with the caption:
    “This must be where @JuliaAllison lives!”
    [img]http://i49.tinypic.com/a828j.jpg[/img]

    She’s so cute, isn’t she? I didn’t have THE NOIVE to tell her that since I’ve so successfully subletted my Marina Del Rey estate, my new home is an abandoned PODS container. I had PencilDick personally “monogram” it pink for me. What do you think?
    [img]http://i46.tinypic.com/x4mclv.jpg[/img]

    One day, if Bravo renews me, or Kraft Cheesy Skillets wises up and takes me on as a full time six figure branding consultant/spokesmodel, I’ll be able to afford direct-to-dumpster plumbing. I have a dream, that one day, this donkey right here will be able to afford direct to dumpster plumbing that whisks away the contents of my bowels and all my gluten-free tampons at the touch of a flush.
    [img]http://i47.tinypic.com/rszv9t.jpg[/img]

    Also, I know many of you were intrigued by one of my recent tweets:
    JuliaAllison @JuliaAllison: “Anyone know a fantastically talented NY photographer who can do a two hour shoot in Central Park tomorrow? Email me!”

    I’ll confirm that yes, there is a very lavish photo shoot in Central Park set up featuring ME. As with all of my shoots, the planning has been extensive and very innovative. The concept is called “Turd in the Punchbowl”; it’s an homage to all my white-knighting Donkey Defenders out there (mostly ME!) who also NEVER READ HERE. Who dares me to wear a tiara? Steven Grossman? Anyone???
    [img]http://i46.tinypic.com/21b9phu.jpg[/img]

    Well lovely readers, if any of you have made it this far, you certainly deserve a homemade stack of wheatcakes and a hallucinogenic salt lick for your efforts. As a reward, I’m going to remind you what made ME, DONKEY!, so renowned in the first place– Namely, constantly rearranging my face with a mixture of Lidocaine and Restylane in order to momentarily resemble random celebrities like:

    Legitimate tiara-holder Ivanka Trump:
    [img]http://i45.tinypic.com/255uixv.jpg[/img]
    [img]http://i46.tinypic.com/vpg4tl.jpg[/img]

    Entertainment Tonight reporter Maria Menounos:
    [img]http://i45.tinypic.com/sp8aht.jpg[/img]
    [img]http://i50.tinypic.com/v2rxpv.jpg[/img]

    The Stepford Wives’ Katharine Ross
    [img]http://i45.tinypic.com/29lbkv7.jpg[/img]
    [img]http://i47.tinypic.com/zjaulh.jpg[/img]

    Well let me rock you Chaka Khan, I guess I really am every woman! Happy September Issue haters!
    xoxoDonkey

  25. Tremendous Liar; Donkey Repugnant says:

    Donkey just set herself up so many different ways, I kant even begin to attack it, so I’ll just leave this here:

    @JenalaFlamme: Feeling, listening & enjoyment are part of the pleasurable weight loss recipe. Too much thinking yanks them away from our experience.

    @JuliaAllison: @JenalaFlamme – I need tips on how to stop thinking!!! Help!

  26. SirClompsAlot says:

    Considering recent events, I think Donkey has set up this fauxtoshoot so she can once again emulate her idol the Duchess and be “caught” posing topless with her fair Duke of ShortShorts.

    I will barf all my last week’s meals, if I have to see him rubbing lotion on her bare raft ass, though.

  27. Whiny Bitch Spoiled says:

    It’s a beautiful day and I’m thinking about going for a stroll in Central Park, but I’m terrified I’ll encounter a Donkey and her twink escort.

  28. Blowjobs by Bravo says:

    I did not know she had a movie about her, that JLove starred in, wow. She’s famous!
    http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0420560/

  29. FreeLily! says:

    Hallucinogenic Salt Lick!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Halloween costume: Karen and Henry Hill, the gun morning and coke flushing mayhem scenes, on repeat.
    Or Mink stole and Griselda in Desperate Living. JA as Griselda, Devin as Mink Stole.
    Also I must say I do not find JA fat in any way, she is a normal size, but even at her heaviest, she’s just a slightly husky normal. Personally the body snack stuff is not my thing, if she has an ED that’s a hard cross to bear but to each his own. I guess i can see the body snark trope as super ironic commentary on her absurd ideas about weight ….without doing it myself.

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