Somebody Marry This Girl Quick If You Want To Be Fat And Happy

Julia Allison pushed some vegetables around in a pan and thinks she deserves some sort of lady medal.

What? Is with this chick and catfish? Way to class up a nice, romantic dinner with a cheap and slimy bottom feeder. And catfish is disgusting, too, as is talapia, while we’re at it, as is sweet potatoes for dessert. And don’t start the “but sweet potatoes are good when you. . . .” debate again, because, no, they are not. Keep that white people shit to yourself. Sweet potatoes are the devil’s starch. And Julia Allison is a cloven-hoofed demon of the highest order.

Jesus, bake him a cake (with flour), and give him a handy, and be done with it. And keep that shit off Twitter. Stop acting like successfully making A SALAD is your life’s greatest accomplishment, even though, sadly, it is.

P.S. I haven’t been paying attention. Why do we call this new dude Goat Soup?

 

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351 Responses to Somebody Marry This Girl Quick If You Want To Be Fat And Happy

  1. CountMeInDaisy says:

    I don’t think it counts as cooking unless a conventional stove, toaster oven, or microwave is involved. Otherwise, you’re just tossing a few greens and veggies together with some dressing.

  2. Ex Spurt says:

    Just overwhelmed at the huge green salad. wowsers.

    Goat Soap: Donk’s dude (pity the fucker) went to some soap-making evening. There were giggles and some discussion here and I believe goat’s milk came into it and Goat Soap was born. Bless his challenged little heart.

    Goat Soap, I love it. All the best donkey scrubbers around town are using it.

    Wondering how Dadsers and him are getting along. Especially after Pancakes.

    • Ex Spurt says:

      Also, back to the HUGE green salad. Who the fuck says HUGE green salad. If anything you try not to draw attention to it, a lazy plate filler that you can sell on the basis it’s healthy. No effort at all needed. Wow, Donkey, did you stick two hands into the plastic bag of prepackaged green salad instead of one.

      I know it’s a small thing but she is so full of shit in everything, everyfuckingthing.

      • CountMeInDaisy says:

        It’s not that big of an accomplishment. If you’re going to be proud of anything, be proud of the fish. Even if it is nasty. I wonder if she’s even bothered to ask if he has food allergies. It’d be a shame if he were allergic to catfish, and had no access to an epi-pen.

      • GimmeaWackjob says:

        And wow, green salad? What, as opposed to, say, blue or yellow salad?

        • LickedRandisCake says:

          I hate to be in the position of defending JA but……fruit salad, macaroni salad, potato salad, waldorf salad, chicken salad, tuna salad, ham salad, bean salad, egg salad, pasta salad, antipasto salad and so on.

          • GimmeaWackjob says:

            Tsk, I know, but if someone says, ‘I made fish, vegetables and a salad,’ I assume they mean a tossed salad. If you go to a restaurant and order a “side salad” it’s not those other kinds.

            I don’t want to get pedantic about it, I just think in this case it’s redundant.

      • Right, it’s not she she even took five minutes to make a chopped salad with some interesting things in it. It’s greens. And she probably didn’t even wash them. YUMK

  3. ShesJustStupid says:

    So she basically made what monsters makes her and cooked dinner for herself. Goat Soap looks like he could use a few pounds–why not just get him a double dish pizza? She sucks.

    • A-Game Content says:

      I love that autocorrect.

      • Jelly Roll says:

        Momsers (broken down from all the crying/whining/braying) probably broke down and made it for her.

    • Hunter Gorham says:

      “Chef Monsters”

    • monster (Single and Mingle) says:

      ring ring

    • secret fail says:

      This also appears to be almost exactly menu that was served at the dinner party on Miss Advised, right down to the sweet potatoes. Video here: http://www.thefrisky.com/2012-07-24/truly-miss-advised-prom-dates-awkward-breakups-a-boring-dinner-party-10-millions-signs-that-hes-just-not-that-into-you/

      • secret fail says:

        Oy, exactly the same menu. Not so secret failure to proofread.

      • Don Quixote says:

        DAMNIT I sucked myself into watching the clips from the episode. It’s just ONE plane ride Andrew! Idk about everyone else, but transporting by plane, no matter how long the flight, is kinda a big deal to me.

        • Donkarena says:

          I felt Andrew’s increasing creepiness in that episode. He was seeing Defcon-5 Insanity in full bloom, and I’m sure was counting the hours until he could bolt. Nothing worse than walking into a situation, having the inner survival voice scream “Run for your life!”, but knowing you’re stuck for hours.

          • EyeRoller says:

            Yeah, that alarm used to go off in my head all the time in college when I’d buy really shitty pot from this two bit nitwit donk-alike. Ugh, she took an unusual liking to me and would constantly manipulate me into staying at her stupid apartment (complete with giant stuffed pink unicorn and it’s metallic rainbow streamer tail hanging over her bed) waaaaaay after I’d ponied up my $20 for a ziploc-ed wadded up corner of stems and seeds. You practically had to fuck her just to get out of there.

            Yep, Some Donks love to corral impressionable gay guys (I’m looking at you Goat Soap) into polking their mulekoozes, not so much out of horniness, but desperation (and it makes them feel powerfully desirable to “turn” a guy).

            PS–For the record, I NEVER’d that donkey.

          • Donkarena says:

            Pineapple Express!

          • Don Quixote says:

            And then having to spend the night on a neon pink pillow engraved with your captor’s initials. If I were Andrew, the moment a donkey shrieked and subsequently fell on the floor at the sight of my face, I would know shit was getting real, and this was no place for a jelly donut.

          • Malformed Face says:

            He wanted out so bad. You knew he was fucked by the three episode arc contract he signed.

  4. Preacher Jim says:

    Son, I have to tell you this: fried catfish was what got the Israelites through the 40 years wandering in the wilderness. It showed up every day from heavin like clockwork just….BAM….right outen the air. They called it “manna” because they hadn’t been interduced to the word “catfish”.

    It remains manna today to every good Bible Thumpin’ Southern Baptist and even the rest of the heathern world. Selah.

  5. SchadenfreudianSlip says:

    I really really hope some little birdies pop out to give us the real scoop after this weekend. Of course Donkey is going to announce that her parents LOVE her new BEAU and all is wonderful with the Baugher clan.

    I want the real story.

    • Ex Spurt says:

      Me too, Slippy, me too.

    • Hunter Gorham says:

      I can tell you the faked story: SHE WAS HACKED!

      Again.

    • Tingolayo says:

      I haven’t seen anyone squee about “A boy’s coming over to meet my parents and I’M cooking dinner! OMG!” since we were in high school. But that’s probably because I am a grown-up and I’ve been feeding myself real, hot meals for years, which I have (OMG!) often shared with other grow-ups.

      And if you don’t cook, you can take someone out to dinner and pay for it yourself, like a grown-up does.

      • Gimme Pig of Love says:

        Agreed.

        Also, I really, really don’t get how the Donk can’t cook. I taught myself to cook from reading foodblogs. I’m not the greatest, but if you can read and follow directions, there are pretty basic things you can make. Cooking isn’t magic.

        It’s ok if you hate cooking or don’t have time to cook or admit you don’t want to learn because of reasons, but in Donkey’s case, it’s just another manifestation of her supreme laziness.

  6. fl00fy says:

    Despite listing the specific vegetables she pushed around in a pan, no clarification on how said catfish was prepared. Julia! Did you shake a bunch of lemon pepper on top and overbake it? Did you braise it to perfection in a cast iron skillet? Did Momsers trust you with the family recipe (involves cranberries)? How fuck did you manage to render this fish edible? No idea why, but this is LITERALLY the only topic where I have ever WANTED more details regarding Julia Allison’s life – other than where she got that belt – and perversely the only topic where no more details are thrust into my face. #fish

  7. Lady Donk Donk says:

    Tossed Salad.

  8. CountMeInDaisy says:

    Off topic, but, has anyone here heard the Julia Child remix NBC put out? Laughed my ass off, I loved her show.

    • GimmeaWackjob says:

      This is one of the best things I’ve ever seen.

    • CountMeInDaisy says:

      Bring on the roasted potatoes…

    • Jordache & the Pelts says:

      Awesome Julia Child tribute the other day on PBS Newshour. It was her birthday or some sort of anniversary or whatever…. But basically it talked about how her essence was of teacher AND student and she developed a highly appealing, though idiosyncratic, brand and spread joy and launched careers in pioneer days. Take that hollow Julia.
      Also I highly suspect she bought the catfish and monumental salad as well as the odd yam dessert. And I doubt convenient instant boyfriend eats much or cares really – since he’s hovering around this trout.
      For the record I love catfish and tilapia when prepared thoughtfully. I had some questionable flounder last night in Corolla which is apparently the Ocean City of North Carolina these days, who knew?

    • Tingolayo says:

      Now there was a real self-made woman with a real career (and quite a passionate marriage, I might add).

    • ScoobyDon't says:

      A kick ass chef and a spy too!
      Her namesake can only dream to have a yoctometre of the respect and coolness of Ms. Child.

  9. JFA says:

    Meat free living right there. Ugh, can you imagine showing up for a “hot date” and your lover made you…catfish? And onions? And a vegetable for dessert?

    This guy has no penis.

    • CountMeInDaisy says:

      Maybe I’m weird, but before I offer to cook, I try to get an idea of what someone likes, and what they’re allergic to–because I have severe food allergies myself–and it’s just common courtesy. How weird would it be if he showed up and made a face, because he was hoping for something carb heavy like pasta, and maybe a bottle of red wine?

      • zininator says:

        she’s clearly made that exact menu before and he’s been dating her for months, he’s probably used to her pescatarianism. i hate giving her credit, but no one dating julia allison would expect to be fed carbs.

    • Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

      Seriously, if you’re going to treat your man with a fish dinner, go buy a really nice piece of fish. Halibut, red snapper, tuna, even a piece of wild salmon. Catfish? Wow, thanks.

      • CountMeInDaisy says:

        Wild salmon is some of the best fish on the market, and one of the cheapest–holds flavor really good as well. I’ve had catfish before, back before I developed the allergy, and it’s…eh. She could have done better, IMHO.

      • Donkey of Perdition says:

        Catfish unless deepfried is fucking gross. What the fuck is wrong her? Who the hell serve serves catfish unless your shitfaced drunk around a campfire lighting your farts on fire. For lifelong pescatarian you’d think she’d have a wide pallet for different types of fish.

        Where is her mom? Any person with a fuck to give would say “You don’t want to do that”. I don’t think my fish monger even carries catfish. It boggles my mind trying to figure out how she got this idea in her head. Where in the world did she eat non-deep fried catfish and thought…mmmmm I can’t cook but I want to cook this nasty tasting fish and then serve it to other people.

        IMO she thinks catfish sounds exotic (vs salmon) and it sounds like a good compliment to her menu; like everything else in her life its the appearance not the substance.

        • JFA says:

          That’s what is so funny about it though. She thought it sounded exotic or something and it just sounds so off, like she was raised in the forest by wolves and is just now learning how to integrate into human society. Her attempts at mimicking normal human-type things like cooking dinner and being humorous and having a boyfriend are always so bizarre.

        • Donkarena says:

          agreed. Also, I noticed she didn’t talk about ALL of them sitting down to dinner — just talked about making HIM dinner…

          • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

            She didn’t post a fauxto taken buy Dad$er of her wearing an apron & freshwater pearls while hip-checking the stove, so it’s a safe bet that her folk$ haven’t yet had the experience of seeing an honest-to-goodness code monkey up close & personal.

        • A-Game Content says:

          Didn’t she have Momsers make her catfish for Thanksgiving dinner some year recently? Methinks it’s another Baugher family secret recipe.

          • Catfish & Sweet Potatoes For Dessert says:

            She has Momser’s make her catfish every year. What better way for a Donkey to draw attention to herself on a day built around a meal than by demanding an entirely separate meal? Such a tool.

          • Catfish & Sweet Potatoes For Dessert says:

            Or Momsers.

        • mule on rouge says:

          I was born in Indiana, about a two-hour drive away from Chicago. Catfish was ALWAYS breaded and fried. It was a treat that as only ever enjoyed at “that catfish place”, which was a half-hour’s drive away, past many a corn field, in a town even smaller than our own. Every county had at least one. Most folks went there once a month: bachelors and widowers went once a week, after church, with their mothers in tow.

          • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

            There’s a hamburger joint here in town that has a once-a-week, all-you-can-eat fried catfish special — people love it — personally, I can’t even stomach the idea of gorging on fish, but we’re talking ‘a line out the door & down the sidewalk kind of devotion’ that’s been a tradition for damn near 30 years.

          • Handbag Stuffed With Hair says:

            I didn’t know you were a fellow Hoosier! Wait, maybe I did. Cheers, at any rate!

          • Greg says:

            I’m a Hoosier as well.

          • afghani says:

            #hoosierprice #Messica #Juliasmissingyear

          • Factory Seconds says:

            I’m a Hoosier by alma mater. #messica knows

        • G$'s Paddleboat to Hell - R.I.P says:

          “wide pallet” – new euphemism meaning “raft-ass”

        • Deep fried catfish is delicious, but a Donkey is so white and waspy I doubt she even knows how to deep fry anything.

          • Blowjobs by Bravo says:

            deep fried anything is amazing. The guys that clean my car weekly do a french fry count. This week most actually made it into my mouth/hips. Yeah for getting better aim.

      • pearipathetic donkey says:

        I always wondered why she never eats quality fish.

      • Who do you think you are? says:

        She also made it for her fancy NYE dinner party when she was with Pancakes, as I recall.

    • Jelly Roll says:

      Aw, poor “Meat Free” Goat Soap.

    • "Pilot" is the new "keynote" says:

      This. A fucking sweet potato for dessert? That’s what I had when I was in the throes of an eating disorder. You don’t feed men like they’re orthorexics with bad taste in seafood.

      Love how her narcissism even extends to feeding a man what SHE likes, rather than what he likes. Fucking catfish?!

      • JFA says:

        I only ate fish and poultry for many years before going veggie (again) not too long ago. I loved fish, and I never, ever ate catfish. Jesus. I don’t even know if I’ve ever seen that on any menu. Isn’t fried catfish generally the way it’s served as like, a southern thing? Sounds gross.

        Also, love some salad with my vegetables. God forbid she made some rice or something.

        • JFA says:

          It doesn’t sound gross fried, anything fried is good. It sounds gross otherwise. I never knew anyone to eat catfish regularly as a thing. She is an alien.

        • stalker is the new very meandering home intruder says:

          catfish is straight up white trash. I could maybe enjoy it as part of a fish sandwich, at a fair, but even then I’d prefer whitefish. It has the most nausea-inducing mud taste. It’s disgusting.

          • CountMeInDaisy says:

            I was about to agree on that. Nobody in my family wanted to let it be brought into the house, when we went fishing, that was always the one that got released, because it was a bottom feeder.

          • Granny's Posthumous Nightgown says:

            It is what it eats and it eats shit.

          • CountMeInDaisy says:

            I would think if you’re going for a fish you don’t see often on a dinner table, you’d go for a trout, but, that’s just me.

          • stalker is the new very meandering home intruder says:

            Trout is amazing. Once, someone gave me a trout they’d caught and smoked. It made my mouth genuflect.

          • CountMeInDaisy says:

            In my opinion, nothing is better than a trout you catch yourself, and cook yourself. Ah, the joys of being southern, right?

        • JFA says:

          And as I suspected, most recipes I’ve seen of catfish online are southern fried catfish type dealios. She fails at life.

      • GimmeaWackjob says:

        Sweet potato pie is actually not bad for dessert, it is like pumpkin pie. But she didn’t say they had pie.

        The only other way I can stand sweet potatoes is as fries, with horseradish sauce. Those actually would not be bad with fish.

        • CountMeInDaisy says:

          Sweet potato pie, when done right, is absolutely fantastic IMHO. I just prefer sweet potatoes as a side item I guess, and at Thanksgiving.

        • JFA says:

          Pie is one thing. Just serving a vegetable and calling it a dessert because your identity of the month is a “healthy living” person is lame as fuck. Just eat a goddamn gluten free brownie and stop being such a fucking fake. We know you are scarfing down chocolate bars in secret, and I would be too if this is the only shit I knew how to prepare myself as sustenance.

          • CountMeInDaisy says:

            I would love to see how she’d nourish herself if she had to live the way I do. Seriously. No soy, no coconut, no seafood, none of that health food crap. Having to cook everything yourself that you ingest, just to make sure you don’t have a severe allergic reaction. She’d die, I think.

            Also, I read somewhere not too long ago that unless you are seriously allergic to gluten and wheat products, there are no real health benefits to avoiding it. At the rate she’s going, NOTHING will be worth eating.

          • Donkey of Perdition says:

            How about a fruit salad with sugar free whip cream, and a bowl of sugar/splenda on the side. Is it that tough?

  10. stalker is the new fat says:

    When my man showed up at my doorstep 10 years ago after driving across country with all his worldly possessions (minus the gun), I served him steak. And then I served him myself.

    Tuna steak, salmon: YUM; catfish: eughhh. Stupid Yankees.

    • Jelly Roll says:

      Right? Although, guessing Goat Soap at least got a blow job out of the deal… or maybe not, maybe just a tour of the second fridge.

    • Jelly Roll says:

      stalker did you say you’d live in chicago? is Julie well known there in real life? say she shows up at a restaurant downtown, does anybody have any idea who she is?

      • stalker is the new very meandering home intruder says:

        no, not I. I am in the gret stet of Kentucky.

      • stalker is the new very meandering home intruder says:

        but to answer your question, we’ve had eyewitness reports from Chicago and nobody knows whothafuk she is. Also the Melmans drunk-emailed partypants once to disclaim any association with Baugherdom.

        • Jelly Roll says:

          Really? But they LOVE her ;) Thank you Stalker.

        • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

          Ha, the Drunk Melman’s, that was freakin’ hilarious. Was it in chat or just a GOMI thread where PP revealed it? I seem to remember it unfolding in real time, so to speak.

          • stalker is the new very meandering home intruder says:

            i remember a GOMI post but I could be wrong… It might have started in chat (haven’t ever been in GOMI chat).

          • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

            I’ve never been to GOMI chat either; was thinking of back when PP still ran the RBNS chat (& now I’m remembering the pizza delivery guy updates. Lulz).

        • C'mon em! says:

          I’m in Chicago (2 blocks from the OMG!downtown condo) and no one knows who the hell she is here.

          Also, juliaspublicist, “And don’t start the ‘but sweet potatoes are good when you. . . .’ debate again, because, no, they are not. Keep that white people shit to yourself.” is why Jack McCain’s lawyer will NEVAR keep me from enjoying this site. You bishes are on fire this morning.

          • EyeRoller says:

            Two blocks away??? Can you see the unit? Are her sweaty pelts air-drying on the balcony railing? Did Raul leave the blinds open? Why is Goat Soap wearing Spanx when he’s got such a nice natural swimmers build? Why is Donkey using a penis pump on her lips when Goat Soap is the one suffering from a case of Limpworm?

            Finally, was that Donkey sleeping on the fold out couch last night while Raul and Goat Soap took the California King-sized waterbed?

            You’re too close to her! My head is going to explode!!!

  11. GimmeaWackjob says:

    So wait, she has been dating Beaujob (my favorite name for him) since May, and for some reason in mid-August she thinks it’s such an accomplishment to cook a pretty basic meal that she has to put the details of it on the Internet? Is there something culinarily magic about Chicago vs. LA that’s suddenly turned her into domestic goddess? She makes this sound like the first time she’s cooked for him.

    I wonder if she’ll post every time she and The Boyfriend take a glorious shit.

    • Hunter Gorham says:

      This is right on schedule for a Labor Day breakup.

    • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

      I’ll bet anybody here five bucks & a beer that the slimy catfish was filched from Mom$er’$ auxiliary freezer.

      • Little Orphan Lilly says:

        Yes. Was it you earlier in the thread who said it was probably fishstick-esque premade stuff out of the freezer? I think that is dead on. Julia clearly raided her parents’ house for ingredients; given her mom’s guacamole recipe I wouldn’t be surprised if the sweet potato was canned.

        • Donkarena says:

          she can’t be bothered to plan a surprise dinner for her boyfriend — she had to be up all night tweeting from the basement! This girl is lazy and thinks only of herself. She should have been up all night scouring recipes for a big feast. And again, I note no mention of Momsers helping her — joining in the family effort to welcome the Checklist-bustin’ Love of Her Life

        • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

          Wasn’t me. Mechanically-engineered “fish” byproducts give me the effen heebie jeebies just thinking about them, thanks to what someone here (mcakez?) once said a friend in the business told them about the process.

          #Actual shower-vomming may ensue …

        • Donkarena says:

          I offered that comment — I’ve seen cornfish breaded catfish in the bag

          • Donkarena says:

            gah! correction: cornMEAL breaded catfish in a bag. People cook ‘em just like fish sticks. Very little effort required — perfect for the culinary genius of Donkey Chef.

        • pearipathetic donkey says:

          Yes, the Baughers love frozen premade food. Remember how she went on and on about frozen pureed butternut squash?

    • oldballz says:

      I don’t know why she’s gone all Julia Child in Chicago, but if I flew into town and I wasn’t immediately taken out for pizza, I’d be peeved.

      • CountMeInDaisy says:

        So would I, I hear their deep dish pizza is the BEST evar.

      • ScoobyDon't says:

        Well the Baughers of Wilmette don’t take you out for pizza.
        They pick you up at the airport with it in the car and make you eat it on the way home.
        They’re classy like that.

  12. Granny's Posthumous Nightgown says:

    This is a situation where I’d like an Oxford comma. Now it reads like the catfish and sweet potatoes were both elements of dessert. Granted, that’s probably because only an asshole would serve sweet potatoes for dessert in this context. Way to showcase local delicacies for your guest, Bogger. He’ll be raving about that green salad for…NEVER.

  13. Barking Mad, Intel Advisor says:

    She really is stuck in one groove. Remember when Pancakes asked her to cook dinner for a few days? She crowdsourced recipes on twitter all day and then made fried vegetables and grilled corn. Not even any fish or a veggieburger.

    Also, wasn’t her gala New Year’s Eve dinner also catfish? I also don’t get the devotion to it.

    • Barking Mad, Intel Advisor says:

      Omg I said “also” 3 times. I am also stuck in a groove.

    • Catfish & Sweet Potatoes For Dessert says:

      I had forgotten that episode of the Pancakes No Variety Hour. He probably told her if she planned to [romper]squat in his mother’s home, the least she could do is manage some basic chores.

    • pearipathetic donkey says:

      Frozen broccoli with garlic salt. It sounded horrible.

    • Blowjobs by Bravo says:

      She must be trying to get a catfish campaign going. Like Pork the other white meat.

      Catfish for the Crazy (just doesn’t have the same ring, does it?)

  14. RollsRoyceRevenge says:

    I am shocked – shocked – by the hatred shown the humble catfish here. Dusted with cornmeal and fried, it is a fabulous little beast (although nothing I’d make as a romantic dinner).

    Sweet potatoes, on the other hand (shudder).

    However it’s precisely the above response that keeps fish off the menu for first-time meals with anyone: it’s simply too subject to personal taste to be a safe choice. I know people who refuse to eat any kind of fish because they find it, guess what, too fishy. And by “I know” I mean “they gave birth to me.”

    My guess is she asked him what he wanted to eat the first night, he whispered “your tuna” and of course the ding-a-ling misunderstood.

  15. Greg'sWife (literally) aka DirtyLakeMichigan says:

    Yuck.
    I bet he would have preffered a grilled-cheese sammy, (w/ bacon and tomato), and a bowl of tomato soup. A package of funny bones would have been a better dessert.

  16. Edward R. Burro says:

    The capitalization of The Boyfriend is giving me the brayges.

  17. LetItExplode says:

    Catfish???

    Catfish!

  18. Donkarena says:

    So puzzling, her bland choice of major milestone and “welcome to Chicago and our family home” dinner — you know, since she went to the grocery store in Manhattan and cooked all the time. Such a tall-tale-humblebragger, she is.

  19. ceeza says:

    Why didn’t she just take him out to dinner? It’s summertime in arguably the best dining city in America. A nice meal and cocktail in a casual restaurant with her “friends”, if she has any, would make more sense to me.. Why didn’t she plan anything? She’s the least thoughtful person ever.. She can cook him a crappy catfish dinner any day of the week in Marina Del Ray. Meet the parents for and hour or so then go explore a great city like a normal 30 year old that’s in “love”..

    • RollsRoyceRevenge says:

      But she’s tired of dinner for a date! She likes horseback riding while tasting wine at the beach…and finding horseshoe crabs, sometimes, and throwing them back out into the water or at each other, screaming with hysterical laughter and fun. Sometimes they dip candles. Her favorite recent date involved carving a pair of clasped hands out of a salt lick. Feh to you and your dull, uninspired eating of things that shall taste deliciously to me.

    • Donkarena says:

      exactly. Something is very wrong with this whole setup

    • Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

      Because, silly, she had to get back to her fulltime job of Tweeting people — fawning “I love yous” for all the @stupidwomen, crowd-sourcing for advice on basic life skills and snarkily challenging all the @smartpeople who rightfully despise her.

  20. EyeRoller says:

    Who the hell does she think she is, Paula Deen post-diabetes diagnosis? This meal sounds like something from the “Healthy Options” section of the Kenny Rogers’ Roasters menu in the mall food court. What Goat Soap fails to realize is that this is the best it’s going to get, and everything else is going to be half-assed substandard versions of that meal until he dumps her. I will say to Donk, like Madonna would say about Gaga in true twat-style: “That meal is so …reductive.”

    • Catfish & Sweet Potatoes For Dessert says:

      Re: “Reductive” – I can’t wait to see Donkey use this word in a twat about this meal/weight loss. #bigwords #shesdoingitwrong

  21. Crazy Eddie says:

    Mmmmm… catfish.

    I’d scarf that whole meal down if it didn’t have onions in it. It sounds pretty good to me otherwise.

    She’s not twittering it because it’s a huuuge accomplishment. She’s twittering it because she has no filter whatsoever and will post any damn thing online. It’s her thing.

  22. Donkarena says:

    I’ve got it: She had to feed him because her parents have him in the basement, circling him while he sits in a chair under a bright lamp — interrogating him about his 401(k), intentions to support their daughter, etc….you know, just like she thought they would do to Andrew/JellyD, as she was lamenting that he wouldn’t be the type to measure up. Goat Soap is a FAR better candidate for the witness stand downstairs.

    • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

      The entire north-facing wall of the basement is a whiteboard of unchecked 73-Point bullets; the piped-in muzak alternates at 85dB between Flusher Price’s rendition of said checklist or Bach, lots & lots of Bach; a perky D0nkey hovers furtively in the shadows to avoid the Klieg lights further melting her face while on the phone with Apple getting the password to Goaty’s phone reset.

      Meanwhile, Mom$er sniffs the air, detecting the familiar odor of urine, & absentmindedly wonders when Lilly left a puddle on the floor under the chair of The Whimpering Boyfriend.

  23. KashMoney says:

    she’s feeding him catfish to prepare him for battle with the catladies.

    julia has found the warrior that will defend her honor and shut us jealous haters up once and for all. Is that sweet, potatoes?

  24. The_Manta says:

    Who wants to bet the green salad was little more than lettuce leaves, uncut cherry tomatoes and chunks of cucumber?

    Because if it actually looked presentable she would’ve posted it for shizzle.

  25. A Donkey is an Ass says:

    It’s just her way of saying, “See, sad sort of adults, I totally make sure I always eat healthy. Who even remembers Cheesy Skillets? That was months ago.”

    Everything she likes is just so fucking pedestrian. Her insanity is the only thing interesting about her.

  26. mule on rouge says:

    When something sound so off, like the catfish, for example, it’s a lie. She didn’t cook him dinner. The end.

  27. A colossus of scheme juices and failure says:

    Donkey:
    I made The Boyfriend a huge green salad, sautéed vegetables (squash, onions zucchini), catfish & sweet potatoes for dessert!

    Transbraytion:
    I went to Trader Joe’s (it sucks to do your shopping yourself, the line was so long, I need a travelling intern NOW!!!), I got a big bag of salad, a tray with some vegetables, some fish-in-a-bag (catfish is not made of cat meat, right?.That would be funny, ha ha,, cat meat….), some chocolate for ME ME MEEEE and a 99c sweet potato mix in a can that was near the checkout. As soon as I get home, I am going to eat the chocolate and ask Mom to plate and microwave all the stuff (How much do you microwave a green salad??? Anybody know??) and then I am going to tweet humblebragging about it but I will capitalize the word Boyfriend so that the whole Internet know how much I love him (ha ha! I can’t cook but I can tweet!). Then I’ll go back to my favorite pastime: googling myself. MOOOOOM!! How do I serve a salad??? Do we have some kind of salad serving tools ?? MOOOOOOOOM!

  28. Leased D-Class TaskRabbit Boyfriend (formerly Floppy) says:

    [img]http://i48.tinypic.com/ohi691.jpg[/img]
    Tweets the whore who can’t use a search engine.
    C.U.N.T.

    • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

      D0nkey seems irrationally excited at the prospect of a man sticking something in her gaping maw, alright. Downright perky, some might say.

    • EyeRoller says:

      She makes me want to fan my fucking face while leaning against an antebellum column and say “My word, how dreadful.”

      There is ZERO ammo in her brain. Hey you blockheaded donkey bitch, listen up: There’s nothing wrong with a person who doesn’t spell out the word “your”. There’s something wrong with admitting there’s something wrong with you (you said it flat out in your stupid tweet), and announcing to a world that doesn’t like you that you’re going to have your fake porcelain choppers buffed out, THEN proceed to insult dryben’s tweet when he actually gave you the time of day by responding to you directly, something I’d never waste my time doing.

      So FUCK YOU and your giddy gingivitis prevention you dirtmouthed Donkey.

      • EyeRoller says:

        Excuse me, before Donkey has a chance to correct me since I’m sure she’s reading, let me correct my spelling above– “You’re”, with an apostrophe. Now shut up Donkey.

        • CountMeInDaisy says:

          Doritos Locos Burros has not the nerve to respond to you, though. Sadly, she’d never admit to reading our comments where we all tell her she needs serious mental help. I don’t think she’d need those cheap ass veneers cleaned so much if she didn’t CONSTANTLY HAVE HER HEAD up her SPHINCTER!

          • EyeRoller says:

            Agreed, but wait, remember– She gave herself away when she did admit on national television (to mother earth pixie Annie Tralala, right?) that she reads comments on this blog. She truly has a giant lone Rice Krispy Tweet in a place where a normal person’s brain resides.

        • Gimme Pig of Love says:

          I wouldn’t worry about it. This is the Gtown grad who had to look up “piquant.”

    • ceeza says:

      How thoughtful.. You can spend the day with your boyfriend who is visiting Chicago or you go can to the dentist?! Unless she got into a hockey fight last night this makes no sense to me.. She is so random.. Does she ever plan anything?

    • A colossus of scheme juices and failure says:

      That poor poor ignorant Donkey can’t distinguish between a misspelling and an abbreviation.

      Let me try that again, Donkey style:
      That poor poor ignorant Donkey can’t distinguish between a misspelling and an abbreviation ;-)

      See? If I put a winky smiley at the end it’s a joke! Get it, Donks? Ha HA HA HAAA! Are you amused??? Ha ha haaa! I know I am!

    • Pissholes in the Snow says:

      And who doesn’t know the difference between “that” and “which.”

    • Leased D-Class TaskRabbit Boyfriend (formerly Floppy) says:

      I also fucking hate “winky face” abusers.

      [img]http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_l5v4z2cVRa1qzzz0c.gif[/img]

    • After Market Errands says:

      I am SO quirky LOL! My vices include teeth cleanings, green juices ;) and call-me-crazy-and-unique Runyon hikes!

      The mean ol’ internet just won’t stop teasing me about my cute lil’ quirks! I guess because all the stuff I’m into is so like, weird, and unheard of. I’m a tee-hee geek! I’m a total tooth whitening nerd you guys! I’m like a juice cleanse nerd omg lol!

      quirky!

  29. Don Quixote says:

    Slightly OT, but does Goat Soap tweet?

    Anyone know? I would love to spend so much time cross-referencing the 2 lovebirds tweets. It would be quite entertaining.

    • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

      He locked it down post haste once he became a topic of discussion here.

  30. Don Quixote says:

    Slightly OT, but does Goat Soap tweet?

    Anyone know? I would love to spend so much time cross-referencing the 2 lovebirds tweets. That would totes fill my entertainment quota until school starts in Sept.

    • Don Quixote says:

      Sorry for the double post! I tried to make my lest sentence wittier. You caught me.

    • Malformed Face says:

      He does but a Donkey made him lock up his Twitter account the day we found out his favorite books were Halo fan fiction.

      Oh, yes, that’s also the day she made him take down all his Halo fan fiction on Goodreads it replace them with Tim Ferris and Michael Ellsberg books.

      • Arl says:

        I just about choked on my lunch when I read “Halo fan fiction.” This guy is the gift that keeps giving. Off to find the thread where you cat ladies initially discussed him…

      • Don Quixote says:

        Yeesh! If having a Donkey make you lock up your twitter isn’t a red flag, I don’t know what is.

  31. SirClompsAlot says:

    You know how some people want to get caught, so they’re purposely sloppy about their lies/crimes?

    I think donkey’s proud exclamation about cooking him catflish was a clue/confession about all her bullshit:
    http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1584016/

    • EyeRoller says:

      I love that movie and think about it constantly in relation to Donk (creating a fantasy life out of fabricated Twitter and Facebook friends).

      • EyeRoller says:

        In fact, I sometimes imagine her going so far as to create A Goat Soap from a leftover box of clip art facial features and then photoshopping pics of them “together and in love”. That day can’t be far down the road; she needs to brush up in Illustrator.

  32. Donkarena says:

    Donkey’s antics in the kitchen remind me of one of my favorite episodes of a favorite long ago comedy: The Ellen Show, when Martha Stewart is coming to dinner — Fast forward to 11:50: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-HtGoTPlOXE

  33. donkolnikov says:

    She talks about entering Georgetown as a freshman in the article linked on her twitter. That is probably technically correct – maybe she didn’t bring any credits from her failure semester at Indiana.

    She is such a lying liarpants. You transferred – the only shame in that comes from her, by trying to cover it up. Indiana U is a good school, why so embarrassed?

    • Donkarena says:

      good catch…I ALWAYS list the two schools I attended when people ask where I went to college. Started in one, transferred & graduated from the other. It’s my way of giving a shout out to both.

      • donkolnikov says:

        It’s just so weird. Why doesn’t she just say “when I transferred to Georgetown” or something? It’s not shameful to transfer schools, especially if you’re going up like she does. She is so fake and weird.

        • pearipathetic donkey says:

          It just underlines how scared she is to reveal the truth about IU and that fall semester.

  34. My Jewish Elle Readers (formerly Stripper Shoes) says:

    Anyone else getting a distinct Tom and Katie feel here, where Donk is Tom and Skinny Gayish Guy is Katie?

    • Don Quixote says:

      TOTALLY! But Donkey doesn’t worship scientology, she just worships herself. I don’t know which is worse.

    • Donkarena says:

      I’m telling you we need to bundle Donkey up and leave her at Scientology Los Angeles headquarters with a note: “Forward to Tom Cruise” — she’s PERFECT for him! Won’t be threatened by his constant bossing her around and an ever-present entourage; has plenty of money; gets plenty of attention everywhere he goes — all she has to do is let him lead her around while she travels the world by private jet and spends from an unlimited budget and asks NO questions. PERFECT MATCH!

      • EyeRoller says:

        She’s too dim. She’d screw it up with her tiny brain via her big mouth. Tom Cruise would NEVER trust Donkey with exposure to some of his sick secrets, no matter how iron clad her contractualized hoof print was on paper.

      • stalker is the new very meandering home intruder says:

        plus she bitches about EVERYTHING. And she’s a hamster on the wheel of eternal recurrence. She frantically flies from NY/LA/Chicago, never once using her money and free time to explore new places. Travelling the world would be wasted on her. She’d probably pack cases of Amy’s Chili and Blueprint Cleanse and never sample anything else.

  35. idiotbox says:

    YOU TAKE BACK WHAT YOU SAID ABOUT TILAPIA!

    NYC lovers of the fish, I highly recommend KIOSK for tilapia and hookah

  36. Mrs. Dr. Sturgeon says:

    Holy shit this thread is hot! JP is back with catfish, rimjobs, and Oxford commas. 500 comments not out of the question. Let it ride! (I mean unfold…SS,SF$

  37. Crazy Eddie says:

    This is a non-problem.

    One of you get takeout, you have each other for dessert, end of story.

    Get fancier than that if you want to, not if the thought of it makes you freak out and call for help. Maybe afterwards plan and fix a meal together and see how well that goes.

  38. Sacred Scrapbooks says:

    Am I the only one who won’t believe a word she’s saying about goat boy’s presence unless she posts a picture?

    • EyeRoller says:

      I’m craving it the way I crave something that I do not crave at all, but it would definitely make the nightmare bigger, better, and more believable.

    • GimmeaWackjob says:

      I want to see if he is capable of looking truly happy with her in a picture instead of the gummy rictus with unsmiling eyes we’ve seen so far.

  39. OT, but I feel like sharing, so bear with me or ignore.

    I had a completely non-sexual dream last night which involved this blog and Julia’s Publicist. We were at a bar having a conversation about this site and America’s Next Top 2nd Date Blowjob Queen. I congratulated JP on the blog and told him I was so happy to find it. That was it.

    Don’t AK Kitty me, but it was a nice break from the rambling anxiety dreams of walking through endless hallways and climbing slanted stairwells that usually grace me.

  40. alessa says:

    one of the greatest amusements to me (and there are many) about all this is that in one of the very first catlady responses to the post yesterday about her “what shall I cook?! GAH PRESSURE IS ON!” tweet, s/he correctly guessed catfish. anyone else catch that?

    Oh donkey. So stupid. So inexorably predictable. So ineffably transparent.

    • Malformed Face says:

      Donkey is so boring and unadventurous in life… not surprising she couldn’t think about what she’s seen her man eat, and enjoy, and then whip up a far superior version of it. I am sure she’s a snoozefest in bed.

      She will always get by with as little effort as humanly possible.

  41. alessa says:

    Also, this may be repetitive but–they have been dating for four months and… pressure is on? What the fuck? I get that with a boyfriend flying in to your hometown you’d want to do something beyond breaking out the congealed jar of peanut butter and do something nice but– pressure? What, is he going to break up with you if you didn’t cook the perfect dinner? Give me a fucking break.

    I recently made my OMGOMGBOYFRENNN a steak dinner (roasted potatoes, grilled asparagus, the works) to thank him for something. He noted that the steak was rather fatty. I noted that it was a fucking ribeye. That was fucking it. No one’s going to break up over dinner, you petty, stupid, stupid spoiled child.

    • Malformed Face says:

      Obviously the pressure was not on if she cooked the same lame ass meal she always cooks… and even cooked for Pancakes.

      She just crowd sources for drama so it seems like she has something to do in her life.

    • 11th Wang says:

      It’s funny that the pressure’s on because I thought she “never felt so safe” and that he “loves [her] mess.”

  42. Lady Donk Donk says:

    Tossed Salad. Instead of goat soap

  43. Jimbo says:

    They should go to Olive Garden with the never-ending pasta bowl!

  44. Psychological Ouroboros says:

    I haven’t even read this thread yet, but I have to throw down:

    Tilapia is delicious!

    (Catfish is nasty, however, so carry on.)

  45. Malformed Face says:

    OH MY GOOD GREG!

    I have been racking my brain for who Goat Soap looks like and today it hits me! Butt head from Beavis and Butthead.

    Brayella, can you do a side by side? Use the pic from his Twitter (also on Google) – that’s where he looks the most Butthead-y. I SWEAR!

  46. Natasha says:

    Catfish is delicious. Fuck y’all on that. Ima get some fried ass catfish and grits tomorrow morning in fact.

    • Crazy Eddie says:

      Damn right. Even grilled catfish is good, with some Tony Cacherie’s and maybe a little lemon.

    • Tremendous Liar; Donkey Repugnant (almost a transitive-property) says:

      I’ve had some good Asian dishes with catfish, too.

  47. Tremendous Liar; Donkey Repugnant says:

    Donkey tweeting this menu like cooking it is a major fucking accomplishment makes me even curiouser about what the hell she usually eats.

    Restaurants? No. Prepared/packaged food? Almost criminally toxic waste. Cooking? Obviously not.

    What the hell does she subsist on? Eggs in the morning, Amy’s chili for lunch and dinner?

    • Crazy Eddie says:

      That is a good question, one I’m surprised she hasn’t already given us the answer to.

      • Tremendous Liar; Donkey Repugnant (almost a transitive-property) says:

        A year or so ago, she brayed about how she frequently orders Amy’s chili by the crate from Amazon. If she still eats like that, the flatulent Donkey jokes might be truer than is pleasant to contemplate.

        • CountMeInDaisy says:

          Blaming it on Lilly will only work until she gasses the bed, and Lilly’s in another room…

  48. LetItExplode says:

    Is this the first time in WASP history that catfish was served as a romantic meal?

  49. Goat Soup for the Sole (/Sake Bombardier) says:

    Aw, Dadsers and Goatsers, discussing quantum physics and how to properly prepare for firewalking. http://lockerz.com/s/235688994

    • helobabe says:

      [img]http://oi47.tinypic.com/2psmudk.jpg[/img]
      captcha = old codger

      • Malformed Face says:

        Can you imagine her delusions of grandeur being at this wedding??? Upping the cray cray 24/7!

        NO PRESSURE!

      • afghani says:

        the only thing i can imagine peter baugher and this twerp goat soap discussing is what it’s like to be super-closeted.

        i refuse to believe that peter baugher is open minded/nonjudgmental enough to really accept someone like goat soap as a legit part of his family. he’s gotta be massively disappointed that this is the best julia can do at this point

        seriously, other than having a Raul, they have almost nothing in common except maybe the fact that they’re both physically diminuative

      • CaptainGary says:

        Anyone else notice how it’s always “my boyfriend” or “the boy” or something, when only a year and change ago it was “Jack” this and “Jack McCain” that, not to mention all the screenshots.

        But…it’s weird. It’s never “Devin.” So strange.

    • Malformed Face says:

      The resemblance is uncanny:

      [img]http://collider.com/wp-content/image-base/TV/B/Beavis_and_Butthead/beavis_and_butthead_mtv_image.jpg[/img]

    • OMGDonk says:

      The BF loves his white suits!

  50. Moonshinedonkey says:

    Donkey’s boyfriend has the same weakling body as Dadsers (aka PETER BAUGHER). Sick, demented Donkey.

  51. Albie Quirky says:

    Whose wedding is this? Did I miss a whole discussion of this? I have actually left my basement and am staying in a country inn so quaint we only have Wi-Fi in the bathroom, so I am strung out and jonesing for my catpeeps.

  52. afghani says:

    bunnies, i’ve been busy the last few days, has it been discussed that KK (the NonBusiness “CEO”) has a Twitter account, for which she changed the displayed name to “Raul” ??

    was this some kind of RBD shout out or solidarity statement?

  53. Asher says:

    I was at the wedding. The bride’s mother had been the interior decorator for Julia’s father. In turn, he was happy to let his house which fronts Lake Michigan, be used for the wedding and reception.

    • CDB says:

      sit down next to us here and tell us more

    • Malformed Face says:

      Welcome to the basement. I like your hair.

    • helobabe says:

      On Wednesdays we wear pink!

    • GimmeaWackjob says:

      So she flies her broke ass halfway across the country to attend the wedding of the daughter of her parents’ interior decorator?

      • Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

        That is odd. You know it’s totally because she wants Goat Soap to see how awesome their own wedding could be in the same locale. Poor, poor Goat Soap.

        Also, bitching publicly about how her family is driving her mental while they’re in the midst of hosting a big white wedding at their house. Asshole.

    • Albie Quirky says:

      Thank you! You are like manna from the heavens.

  54. Blowjobs by Bravo says:

    Is there a Donkey tracker on this page? (how many times a day she visits) I imagine she checks this page when she wakes up, reads some comments to her fee for service friends, goes on pretend date and reads more comments aloud to mortified date, and when heading of to bed reads the final posts as a bedtime story to the dog, the boy, or whoever else she can drug and drag to get in her bed.

    • CountMeInDaisy says:

      We need one. Can’t we use her IP address and cause it to track specifically for her?

  55. Yvonne says:

    Is that a typo? How are catfish & sweet potatoes a dessert?

    • Prof. F Camping Prof. F Camping says:

      Yvonne, you must be new to the basement. Our Donks does not have grammar skills. Or cooking skills, for that matter.
      see also that/which.

Comments are closed.