Julie’s Final Bravo Blog, With The Lies Neatly Brushed Aside And Her New Piece Weighing In


Ewww. Validation, bunnies, from a hot dude! Sweet, sweet validation! She is NOT insane and childish! She is mature and steady! Her new boyfriend, who’s known her less than three months, knows THE REAL JULIA ALLISON!

And so we’ve come to the season finale. As I wrote in my final ELLE column this week:

“For me, this moment is a long time coming, a process that started when I was twenty-one years old, a junior at Georgetown, and I made the choice that would change the rest of my life: to write a column about dating.

They say you teach what you yourself need to learn. Perhaps I knew then (subconsciously) that I didn’t have the tools for a healthy relationship, and my subsequent decade of dating — and writing about dating — grew out of that.”

Watching myself on this show was a certainly wakeup call, but the real growth came DURING the show from the experiences I had battling with my own demons, from asking for help from people whom most of us would label “unconventional” if not full blown “woo-woo.” Whatever you call them, they worked. 

The episode begins with me sitting on the couch with Peter Crone, the “mind architect.” I was devastated because I had both gotten dumped by Andrew and just learned my grandmother was in the hospital, dying. (The latter was the primary reason for my anguish.)

The end with Andrew was painful mostly because of what he represented — all of the rejections, all of the failures, all of the endings I had ever experienced in my life. So I was grieving the imminent loss of my beautiful grandmother and the lack of anyone in my life who loved me as much as she did.

And yet, from our greatest pain comes our freedom. When we hit rock bottom is when we begin to change the patterns that most hurt us. As I said to Peter Crone, “I don’t know what I want to do with my life. When everything you thought would make you happy doesn’t make you happy… what the hell do you do?”

His answer was brilliant; he told me to stop trying to CONTROL everything. Because ultimately life cannot — will not — be controlled. You cannot say when your loved ones come into and leave your life, whether that be through rejection or death. And if you think you know better than the universe, than God, you will be proven wrong, again and again and again.

“It’s really lonely,” I told Peter that day. God, I was lonely.

Let me give you a little glimpse into who I was before this show. I was asked to answer this question, back in September of 2011: Are you happy? What does happiness look like to you? What makes you happy?

Such a fraught question! Am I happy? Yes and no. Depends on the moment. I have almost complete physical freedom — to travel when I want, to work when I want — which I think is incredibly necessary to my happiness. I’m not as financially stable as I would like, I’m not making quite as much money as I would care to make, but I am working on it.

But I also think I’m lonely, despite having incredible friends. And it’s not because they aren’t GOOD friends — they are. It’s just that I’ve set up a life in which I hesitate to settle down for whatever reason (I have theories), and that leads me to feel disconnected from a community, which is something I crave more than I would like to admit. I love being part of a loving community, a loving group of friends, a loving family, a loving relationship. I have many loving communities in my life in New York, in San Francisco, in LA, and in Chicago, but what I really wish is that everyone I loved were in one place.

I also don’t feel that my career is necessarily where I want it to be. I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished, but I also want to make an impact — specifically upon young women, girls who struggle with the same issues I did when I was a teen and in my twenties (and even now). Issues like a severe lack of self-confidence, never feeling attractive, putting too much stock in what others think, in what boys think, not trusting their intuition, not taking enough risks, not being entrepreneurial enough. When I talk to friends or to young people about their lives and making meaningful career and romantic decisions, THAT is when I’m happy.

I’m happiest having deep, fascinating conversations with people I care about, people I can learn from, people who I can teach and people in whose lives I can make a difference. I’m happiest when I’m engaging fully with another human being.

And yes, my life does feel incomplete without a life partner, without a teammate. I love being in love. Doesn’t everyone? 

Jump cut to the credits for this finale, about ten months later, as I read the additions to my now infamous 73-point checklist. Have you read my checklist yet? If not, it’s here.

And here is Part II:

1)    Be open and creative and encourage me to be the same
2)    “Say YES” should be his mentality
3)    Protect my individuality, freedom, and autonomy
4)    Encourage personal growth and the full development of my authentic self
5)    Create a satisfying, experimental, open sex life (!)
6)    Dedicate our relationship to learning, growing, evolving, and contributing
7)    Be excited to work on creative projects together with me
8)    Create an unconventional life with me
9)    Experiments with everything
10)   Deeply intuitive
11)   Is a MAN
12)   Sexually delicious
13)   Loves fully
14)   Sees my mess and loves me for it

Did you expect me to throw it away? Hahaha, no way! You don’t know me very well then. Any good scientist experiments with her hypothesis, but that doesn’t mean she tosses it if it isn’t proven immediately.

If anything, I needed to expand my theory on love and partnerships. And here it is — I can’t think of a way to say it better than quoting from my final ELLE Guinea Pig of Love column:

“Here it is, my new theory on love and relationships: 

I believe that you receive the partner best suited to whoever you are, whatever lessons you need to learn, whatever stage of development you’re at, and however you see yourself. If you don’t believe you’re deserving of love on a deeper level (I’m not talking about what you SAY — I’m talking about how you FEEL inside), you will be met with unavailable, disinterested or non-committal partners — or you’ll find men who love you, but whom you don’t find to be a good match, for whom you feel those little doubts — like, “Is this it?” You will feel frustrated, like you’re banging your head against a wall. That’s because you (metaphorically) ARE. 

The real issue always lies in you. Always. Every time. It lies in you to make the changes that you need in order to have the relationship you want.

If I sound like I’m espousing some sort of self-help doctrine, well, perhaps I am. All I know is that when I look back at my relationships over the years, I’ve gotten exactly — EXACTLY — what I deep-down, in that secret place in my heart thought I deserved. And sometimes I didn’t feel I deserved very much at all.

So earlier this year, the question shifted from “How can I find a man who embodies the 73 points on my checklist?” to “How can I become the woman my Checklist Man would want to marry?”

Would my Checklist Man want to marry a woman with low self-esteem? Of course not. Would he want to marry a woman who didn’t love her body? No. Would he want to marry a woman who is frantic or stressed all the time? No. A woman who is desperate? A woman who is frequently defensive? An uptight perfectionist? Absolutely not.

So I evolved myself, and in the process, a miraculous thing happened: I stopped caring about the end goal, this future husband, this future marriage. It isn’t that I stopped desiring a life partner. It’s that I started loving myself, and I felt… enough. I felt whole. Prince Charming wasn’t coming, and that was actually OK. Instead I choose to focus on creating a life so full of adventure and love and growth that I was fulfilled without such a man. I stopped looking outside myself for validation and started knowing (not thinking, knowing, on a deeper level) that although I am not perfect, never will be, I am lovable and I am enough.

And of course, of course, the minute I gave up — truly gave up — and started loving myself, guess what happened?”

Well, readers: I found him. And he is EVERYTHING on my checklist — both of them! Our first date happened (I don’t believe in coincidences) to be on the very day my Grandmother died. And that, I think, sums up life. Love and pain co-existing, inexorably linked. Because of course you cannot love without risking pain. In fact, pain isn’t just a risk — it’s an inevitability. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t love, with your whole being, with your body, with your soul.

So I’ve embarked upon a relationship that feels fundamentally different than every other I have had before it. It feels…healthy. It feels good. He watched the entire series with me, next to me, supporting me.

What does HE have to say about it?

“On the show, you say you’re looking for your husband, but in real life I never saw that side of you. You have a more balanced head about it. You’re positioning yourself with knowledge and experiences that you understand will lead you closer in that direction, but you’re not grasping for it. You’re positioning yourself to be receptive when the right person arrives.

You’re so much stronger and mature in real life. That just seems like a less experienced, less mature version of you. You seem all over the map on the show and in real life you’re marching in a straight line. You seem a little Miss… Advised on the show.”

Who knew that being on a reality TV show about being misguided in love would teach me how NOT to be?!

P.S. He kissed me first. No begging whatsoever.


  1. I’ll see you people after a brief interlude from whence I shall return to gnash this piece of literary kitty litter a new pink asshole.

    • YES! Please don’t leave ANYTHING out…My head is spinning from all the dogshit she’s painting pink and attempting to serve up — and she has demolished the time space continuum with her fantasy timeline of events.

    • Dear Sir,

      It is with great pleasure that I look forward to seeing you on the field of play.

      Yours entirely,


      /18th century homosexual flourish

        • Donkey. Draining me. Enough to push me into either crash-protect or taskrabbit mode. I posted all the hopeless therapy I could muster for her down the page a little ways.

  2. LOfuckingL.

    Julia. Please. I’ve been here too long. You have not changed. You are still a Donkey. This guy will be gone by Christmas.

      • We need a basement pool on this. Someone needs to be in charge of watching Page 6 and the Congressional Record every day to watch for the major announcement of their breakup and final assessment of how long they shared a home.

        • Oh rena: I have the had the crappiest day, but “and the Congressional Record” literally made me laugh out loud – thank you. I needed that!

  3. Add “hypothesis” to the ever-growing list of words that Donkey doesn’t understand.

    • Not to mention she basically just added a handful of words to her “ELLE column.” The one that isn’t up on their site.

      • She is obviously all nervous about self-plagiarism charges after what happened to her “boyfriend” Jonah Lehrer, so now she’s actually crediting what she’s already written for another publication/website. Clever donkey!

        • I guess she’s not nervous about getting in trouble for making up quotes though. There’s no way he wrote that shit a Donkey.

          • Both articles are almost identical. She just left out Devilia in the Elle.com piece. Still self-plagiarism if you ask me.

        • I do love it how the concept of self-plagiarism does finally, finally in the wake of Lehrergate seem to have penetrated her gourdlike noggin.

          • Bwaha, “there’s no such thing as self-plagiarism” has already become one of my favorite donkisms. Well done, Julezie, indeed.

        • If Julia Allison copies a column and no one ever reads it, is it self-plagiarism?

    • Her writing is so fucking terrible, it hurts my brain. She just mangles language.

      “They say you teach what you yourself need to learn.” What a clunky, ugly sentence. It’s short, but “you” appears three times, and she’s actually talking about herself. And do “they” say that? I don’t even think the sentiment is remotely true. People who teach tend to know a lot about their subject. What is she talking about? That she wants to teach all the girls because she’s a fucking idiot? Greg.

      Also, a careful writer is aware of words on a page, their implications. When I read, ” back in September of 2011..” I misread it as 2001 for a nanosecond, and felt sick that she was going to go there. Why didn’t she just say, “last year”? Sorry, just, “September” and “11” kind of go together in a strange way to the quick-reading eye, there are associations one makes as one reads, and a more careful writer would have just said, “last year”.

      But she’s no writer at all. And such a liar.

  4. Oh, Julie! You’re as deep as a mud puddle and at least as dirty. I look forward to toasting your breakup with this milk I just bought. It won’t have expired yet, though you certainly have. Byebye, Donkey.

  5. The universe doesn’t give two shits about you.
    You’re a pimple on its ass, not some magic special snowflake that the Flying Spaghetti Monster has some super keen plan for.
    Like the rest of the world, you’ll live, you’ll die, you’ll decompose.
    Well, most of you will decompose…that nose has a half life of 100 years, give or take.
    The one thing you’ll never do is change or evolve.
    Stay stunted, Donkey.

  6. So let me get this straight, adding items to a list of qualifications for a mate, therefore narrowing the options, is somehow expanding a theory?

    Better tug on your skirt Donkey, your stupid is showing.

  7. Bwahahahah! Where to begin? She HAD to include that “first date was on the very day my grandmother died” because we have that capture of her ham fisted attempt to make their relationship-beginning on May 9. And interesting that after TEN YEARS of being an advice columnist (where I’m sure she met ALL her deadlines), she can’t share insights into those mysterious “theories” of why she avoids settling down? Perhaps she could refer to some prior columns that addressed these types of theories? Such a lack of insight for someone with TEN YEARS of experience writing about the subject. And why is she crying on the couch about Andrew (oh, excuse me, her grandmother) on May 3 or earlier, when her grandmother died on May 9, and when Andrew dumped her in February?…..
    …when she has a date with GQ PhotoShoot Guy the same day? And why was he joining Singles websites weeks after that in July? They must have had The Talk in a very short time! This woman really does live in her very own world.

    • “Living in her very own world” is probably the nicest way anyone’s ever put it. I’d say she’s jumping around in the Chuck E. Cheese ballpit all by her greg damn lonesome. What do you do with a shattered personality that can’t find a self?

  8. Please help me understand: she went on a date on the day her BELOVED Nutty Granny died???

    Yes, I always want to go on first dates when grief stricken, there’s no better time.

    I think the psychopathology is deeper than we know.

    • Her writing sucks so hard that it almost seems like her grandmother had to die in order for Julia to find twoo luv. Figures that a sacrifice would need to be made to get a guy to put up with her shit….oops…er…mess.

  9. OT, but Christine Kelly strikes again! Man, she *REALLY* hates Donkey. I’m amazed JA hasn’t blocked her yet; her contempt’s not even thinly veiled.


    (Sorry if this has been discussed already…I searched the last 2 posts and couldn’t see it, so I think I’m good!)

    • I, too, am surprised that comment is still there. Maybe Donkey is sleeping off her Amadeus-like marathon session of shitting out a shitty last column and simply hasn’t gotten back to the business of knocking back the numerous naysayers.

  10. San Francisco does not love you, nor has it shown you love. Noone cares who you are except you; shove your lies up your donkey’s a**.

  11. As I try to make sense of Donkarena’s “the list is a joke no wait he’s everything on the list” dating “success,” I can’t help but suspect that JA is angling for some sort of List-centric branding. Like a book entitled “Making a List and Checking it Twice: How to Manifest Mr. Right.” Or something equally lame and grifterish.

  12. … And the merry-go-round comes back to the point where it started. She’s learned so much, she’s found true love and is now going to help all the girls with all the girls’ issues – chief amongst them being bullied and not flying their shame to fly their pink PROMMMMMMM freak flag. She will do something thickheaded and predictably cunty and this relationship, too, will pass. Life will be over, there will be an ashram retreat, it will be in the queue for processing. The holidays will once again be some sort of ultra sad Chi-NY-SF agenda-less series of flights. Maybe there will be a temporary seat-warmer/”checklist-fulfiller” around New Years but gone by March.

    Lather rinse fucking repeat. No learning ever done, no real changes, same old snore-inducing bullshit. I wish I could set an alert so I’d be notified when she finally breaks the cycle of idiocy. Unfortunately that would require introspection and an acknowledgement of mistakes, which we know is not in the Donk playbook.

    I wish you’d get therapy and deal with your issues, JA. That list is not your core dysfunction but it is directly symptomatic of one of your major issues. You’d be a lot happier without having to constantly do some costume bullshit with every moment of your life, but you’re determined as hell to repeat the same mistakes over and over.

    In the words of one wise man who knew how to step aside when his fifteen minutes were up;

    You are SO DUMB. You are really dumb. For real.

    • SSSF.

      “chief amongst them eint bullied and their shame to fly their pink PROMMMMMMM freak flag”

      Drowning failure sorrow in Cheetos and Evan Williams.

    • Oh Antoine Dodson. He just put out a video of himself saying he’ll continue to eat at chick-Fil-A, despite the homophobia. Kinda silly.

      But that meme ruled so hard. Hide your kids, hide your wife, and hide your husband because Donkey’s braying to everybody out there: “I got a boyfriend, you see I am lovable!”

      Amy shakes her head, mutters under her breath “Moron. She’s an expert like I’m a Black Olympian…”

    • here’s the thing, here’s the thing, we’ve heard all of these Donkey platitudes before. She’s just thrown them all together in the washing machine and tumbled them around into a new wet soggy mess. It’s the same old shit and paradigms and epiphanies she’s been peddling for years and years. we’ve heard it all before, Juliar, even if it’s newish to your 15 new fans.

  13. Love and pain co-existing, inexorably linked.

    We should each chip in a few cents and buy her a used thesaurus. That SAT prep leaflet she’s been thumbing through for two dollar words must not be very big.

    Or does she get some sort of compensation every time she utters “inexorable?”

  14. Another question: If the show had nothing to do with the Elle.com column, then why is this her last Elle.com column? What will her huge following of “Elle readers” do??!??! Why would Elle.com just unceremoniously dump her that way??

    • You didn’t hear? Elle was in the way of her career. She couldn’t have both and remain happy, so she had to reluctantly say goodbye.

      • She and Elle are still in each other’s lives, as people. Elle texts her 18 times a day, and showers her with unbegged-for kisses.

    • The Elle column lie (it having no tie in with the Bravo show-yeah right) and JellyD’s total stunned silence will forever be my personal curiosities that come out of this show.

      I think she may eventually address the Elle thing with one of the clever lies you brilliant cat ladies have come up with (it just didn’t fit into my life, I must regrettably say goodbye) but DAMNIT, SPEAK JELLYD! SPEAK! It’s driving me absolutely bonkers!

  15. It’s a special kind of Julia Allison sting to publicly declared that “mommy doesn’t love me.”

    I was grieving the imminent loss of my beautiful grandmother and the lack of anyone in my life who loved me as much as she did.

    Honestly, what the hell is UP with her relationship with her parents?

    • She needs to stop using her grandmother to gain sympathy are start using her grandmother to gain laughs, like us.

      • Have you read far back enough to catch the deathbed vigil? The “holding hands” photo was the creepiest thing she’s ever done IMO, and that’s saying a whole lotta lot.

    • Somehow she got the idea that marketing herself for attention — regardless of the truth — was the way to be…Was it her lawyer father’s habit she picked up? Was it that she was passed over for her smarter brother and wanted attention for herself? Did the family fall apart and fail to pay attention to her when her mother was brutally attacked, teaching her to construct her own world because the real world can do horrible things to you. Somewhere, somehow, she checked out of living in reality, and made being the center of attention her crack pipe — and she can’t put it down.

      • Very profound and very true. She definitely checked out of living in reality a long, long time ago.

      • I think you may be onto something. If her NPD tendencies were always there, her mother’s ordeal could have brought them out in full force. I have a friend who was, as a child, neglected because her older sister had a debilitating spinal disease. By the age of three, my friend was faking a limp to get attention. This shit manifests in peculiar ways, but I believe the inclinations she had were merely activated by life events at the most – she was never a creature with empathy.

        • That’s exactly the type of situation I was thinking about….have heard this happening when there’s a crisis in the family. And it’s true that Narcissists lack empathy — they look at relationships with other people as being comprised of a winner and a loser, nothing more. People are to be used to feed their ever-constant need for attention or “supply”. Which reminds me of something that occurred to me when she said her first date with Instant Soulmate was on the SAME DAY her “beloved” grandmother died. My question is: Why wasn’t she making herself available to her now bereaved mother or father? Why wasn’t she packing and yacking on the phone in preparation to rush to their side? It’s almost laughable that she decides to go on a first date with a guy (which, of course, is a total lie) on the day her grandmother died (making her inconsolable, remember?) — was he supposed to hold her as she cried? Did she go with puffy eyes? On top of her Donkey game for a first date night out?

        • Yes! One of the worst NPDs I ever knew could trace his own affliction back to a time (he was twelve, I think) when his older siblings had both been hospitalized, his sister for anorexia and his brother for cancer. With both siblings the treatment went on for years, of course, and by the time the situations had resolved themselves he was 17 and totally starkers. He wasn’t a loon in his own account, of course; he was, just as JA always is, merely coming in to his own.

        • Or if you’re already a naturally spoiled princess as was mentioned before (pre-existing NPD) and THEN underwent a traumatic experience as a girl, and THEN possibly spoiled/overprotected the rest of your developing years to compensate and cover up your trauma, well, that could make for a gnarly case of overgrown defunct “Splintered Princess Syndrome”, right?

          • Another NPD breeding ground — spoiling princesses. Teaching them that they are more special than others, they are to be served and adored, and others are merely a means to make it happen.

    • A loooong time ago, when I still on the stable fence about Juliar, I had an email exchange with her in which she said that she and her mother had a horrible relationship and any perception to the contrary (from NS pics, etc) was a sham.

      • The few P.D.’s I’ve had the misfortune of stumbling into told me their parental horror stories too. And then I met the parents and siblings and realised what a manipulation it was to garner sympathy/attention.

        It doesn’t surprise me that she’d throw her mum under the bus. Also, she lies, pathologically.

  16. Why does she always capitalize grandmother? As a “journalist,” shouldn’t she know AP style?

    • Because she’s an affected snob always trying to imply she was exceptionally well bred, while her actual life and behavior is a trashcan of tacky stunts, famewhoring, and lies. A stripper raised in a trailer park has more class.

      (Not her family’s fault, I don’t think. Oh, and she called her sibling her “scientist baby brother” again on Twitter tonight, because she’s unbelieveably awful and fucked in the head.)

    • I don’t think she ever took a writing class in her life, let alone how to copyedit. It’s been awhile since she made the “that/which” mistake, though, so maybe she finally hit the learn button on that.

      • What an awful sentence! The syntax! I need an editor!

        *learned how to copyedit. *she’s made

    • Utterly repugnant. And this garbage in Elle reads like some eighth grade girl’s fantasy of what her Jennifer Garner rom-com life will look like. “I threw out my 9 gazillion point checklist, but he had them all anyway!” Not if it’s the faux model and Dungeon & Dragons reading dork that was single until last night.

      • I just referenced rom com below. As if we thought there would be any alternate ending besides “I found just what I was looking for when I stopped looking for it!” etc etc cliche cliche vom vom.

        • We’re canceling each other out, JFA! Re: rom-com cliches, it’s as though she knows no other narrative, even though trying to shackle her life to fantasy characters and fantasy storylines has never worked for Julie. Fired or let go from every job. Dumped be every guy except that poor law school student that she used to just to bray about being “engaged.”

          • Huh, of course she knows plenty of other narratives, when she was a teenager she read all existing novels. Including those written during the five decades that have passed since the era of her teens, no doubt.

          • Didn’t she move to Newport Beach and live for nearly a yr with the young lawyer before she started cheating and moved to NYC to be with Alex?

        • The last time “I found just what I was looking for when I stopped looking for it!” worked as a dramatic resolution, the person saying it forgot to ask what happened to Miss Gulch.

  17. Also, wow. They have been dating 3 whole months. Must be love.

    Surely someone who tweets about her dreams about catching the bouquet is NOT grasping for marriage, LOL. Is this guy even stupider than his fucking face and reading list look or does he just not pay attention to anything she writes/says? Also, I WOULD HOPE she is not grasping for marriage, holy fuck you just met five minutes ago.

    All wrapped up into a tidy package just like a rom com!!! What could possibly be a lie about this?!?!?

    • AND if she changed her relationship status the day granny died, that would be after their first date, which would in turn be FUCKING INSANE.

      • No, she retrospectively changed it to “May 9” last night, but that was too crazy even for her, so she changed it to “Today”.

        • LOLLLLLL okay then. My gawd. I cannot imagine how stupid this bf is for putting up with the functional equivalent of an 11 year old.

    • See above. Kate OMG! Hudson has just contracted for the film version. Bunnies everywhere know this June rom-com will break all b.o. records!

    • Christ, when I think back on how well I knew or understood my man at the three-month mark — I mean NOT AT ALL. You are still putting on a show for each other at that point, still googly-eyed and seeing what you want to see and getting caught up in their enthusiasm for you. You can’t really love that facade of a person. True love is when you get to the two-year mark or thereabouts and you’ve seen the underbelly and you love that person anyway, and even find the flaws sort of endearing, if not occasionally infuriating.

      She has never really been in love with anyone but herself. I have said that many times and honestly, it’s getting boring even to me now. She is so tedious. YAWN.

      • Very well said, Jacy. No one can really know another after just three months, it takes time for real intimacy to develop, and if we’re lucky, love. The “flaws and all” part is crucial. Showing your cards and all that. It’s something that grows.

        She’ll never understand that, her milkshake sends the boys fleeing from the yard. She’s so fake, I wonder if there’s a real person there at all, anymore. She’ll end up being the fourth wife of some old rich ugly guy someday , is my prediction. Just a cold transaction.
        She ought to hurry. Tick tock!

      • Have the save the date cards gone out yet? Not for the wedding, but for the imminent melt down.

  18. tl;dr

    I did, however, catch this:

    “Our first date happened (I don’t believe in coincidences) to be on the very day my Grandmother died.”

    LOL wut? If their first date was the day her grandmother died, on 5-9-12, why did she originally put her FB ‘In a Relationship’ status date as 5-9-12??? You are ‘in a relationship’ after your first date? Run, Devin, run!


    • She backdated the relationship to their Coffee Bar coffee bar first date, but then had a momentary flash of sanity.

    • I think albie clarifies above that she retrospectively put May 9th, only yesterday…because she is both a lunatic and 9 years old. BUT IT’S TRUE LOVE HATERS FUCK YOU LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT TRUE LOVE FROM DAY 1 73 POINTS.

    • Wow, this is some heavy shit right here. A death. A birth. No coincidences! Julia Allison is so gregdamned self-centered, she actually believes ol’ granny took a dirt nap to cosmically assist in a donkey husband hunt. That means Julia and Devil-may-or-may-not-care are literally a match made in heaven! This kind of thing only happens in a movie. A lame, badly-written movie. The movie currently playing in Julia’s head.

      • she actually believes ol’ granny took a dirt nap to cosmically assist in a donkey husband hunt


        • Dying.

          The thing is (!!), this is none of our business and wouldn’t have been had she not declared to the world that this was the guy the heavens wanted her to meet, the very day of her dear grandmother’s grand departure.

          If she had just said she wasn’t single anymore and left it at that, we would be speculating for weeks how long the two have been together. Why share the date with an audience before the one-year mark, and when you do, shock all the haters? (I know, I know.) But to bring your grandmother’s passing into your trivial sex life is just beyond the pale, dear Greg. Tomorrow is their three-month anniversary, you guys!!!

  19. Can someone please come up with an official timeline for when Jelly broke up with her, when her grandma died, when she started dating this new guy she is in love with, when this new guy was on the dating site, etc… This is so hard to keep track of. I thought she said on the Miss Advised Facebook page that she was so upset because not only did Jelly dump her, but her grandma also died. Now she is saying in her Bravo blog that she was crying to the Min Architect because Jelly dumped her and her grandmother was on her death bed…but not dead. I am one confused cat lady.

    • Jelly dumped her the first week of February.

      She met this guy on May 9.

      Her grandmother died May 9.

      Filming ended May 2.

    • That’s because she lies.

      We caught her out the other day re: her lie on the Miss Advised FB page that she wasn’t upset about Jelly, she was upset because her grandmother had died, even though her grandmother had not yet died. Um. And so she changed that story without explanation.

      • and I could have sworn she looked VERY upset after JellyD showed her the door to his apartment and she tried to hail a cab. She was crying that time over JellyD — then claimed it wasn’t so much him, as ALL the endings in ther life…blah, blah, blah….That definitely wasn’t in May — it was early, early Feb

        • She hadn’t had a connection like she had with JellyD in a long time, maybe ever! Except for Pancakes and until she met Devilia, of course.

          • The video of D0nkey & Coffee Boy … anyone remember that? As in a link? Would be interesting to see what month that was in …

          • They went on a date every other day between May 9 and May 17! That’s how much he loved her!

            God, those May 17 RBD posts are hilarious. TL;DR gets some kind of award for predicting his sockless ways.

            Also, I am ashamed to say that despite my commitment not to on May 17, I have since Zillowed his parents’ house. I know waaaaay too much about his family at this moment; sometimes I frighten myself.

            It is also really unfair of me because my last name is basically the equivalent of “Smith” where I live and I am unGoogleable pretty much. Waldorf has the disadvantage of a distinctive surname.

    • You and me both, Donkey Sanctuary, but I don’t think this is really worth the trouble keeping track of and writing it in pencil and making charts in colors (bright). Plucky and brilliant, even though also simultaneously equal parts sad and angry detectives have already established that this misaligned fool was (or even just joined??) a website for singles (or actually a GASP dating site?) sometime during late July. That tells me all about the most bestest doubleplusgood fulfilling relationship ever.

  20. A couple of other thoughts:

    1. So Devin Einstein, she hasn’t mentioned being on a husband hunt yet, huh? Imagine that! I wonder why that might be?

    2. If she’s so over worrying about what people think of her, why does she read this blog 24/7, and why has she basically attempted to gun down every Miss Advised nay-sayer on every fucking platform — Facebook, Twitter, the Bravo and Elle sites — since her shitshow started. I think she believes all those commenters are us. Oh honey no. You’ve created a whole new army of people who saw you for the deranged, Mental Illness poster girl that you are.


      There is NO WAY IN HELL a) she is not talking marriage, dropping hints etc if she is into him and b) he will not flee screaming sometime soon.

    • It’ll take more than a fake epiphany to make Donkey change her Whack-a-Mole compulsions. Being in a “loving” relationship with yon Devin obviously didn’t slow her down in that department during the run of Miss Advised.

      • Me neither, and I never will because the ewwww factor is strong enough even here where it’s countered by the (sexually!) delicious scent of many smart and awesome catsluts.

        That said, I never quite understood the “haters from RBD / non-affiliated haters” dichotomy. Other than being fatter and sadder than an average internet person, we are not a special breed here, as far as I can tell anyway. We judge Donkster by what she puts (and fails to put) online, just like every other angry, sort of sad adult on the internet who stumbles upon her bullshit. Our hatred and jealousy isn’t any less significant than that of those who never heard of RBD, just because we’re organized and fat.

    • I just hope everyone remembers that she alluded to this site on television, saying we hated her because she was open and honest about her bulimia and that is why we are mean to her.
      Never forget that. Such a lying animal hybrid she is, a donkey that sheds crocodile tears. Whose seduction techniques resemble a chimp’s in heat.

      “A thing like that!”- Pete Campbell

  21. I love how she really describes how she changed in such great detail. “I evolved myself.” Okay then. Good to know, very helpful to all the girls. I evolved myself. I’m sure it was a combination of the witches and your can-do attitude and inner strength.

    • I love this. Each time I’ve seen it I’ve considered making it my screensaver but he’s going to be gone so fast I won’t be able to remember who he is, or why.

  22. If her big epiphany is to stop trying to control everything, WHY DID SHE HAVE “LET IT UNFOLD” TATTOOED ON HER WRIST YEARS AGO???????????????

    Her inability to learn, her lack of curiosity and her utter stupidity combine to ensuring that her life is GROUNDHOG DAY.

  23. My favorite bit of the final (choke! gasp! WHYYYY?) Elle.com column? It says “Photo courtesy of Julia Allison.”

  24. I really want her to stop bragging about how Waldorf Statler meets all the points on her checklist, because it is tempting as fuck to talk about all the easily Googleable stuff about him that makes it clear she’s lying.

    But I don’t want to do that because it really isn’t his fault that he doesn’t meet her insane standards!

    And yet, she just keeps on braying about how perfect they are together, and how Amazeballz it’s going to be when she brings him home for the idyllic Baugher Thanksgiving.

    • THANK YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUuu. Jesus. I can only think of one checklist point right now, “Brilliant,” and he clearly is not. Sorry honey. Fooling? No one.

  25. Oh dear Greg….From Guinea Pig of Love:

    “This man is now my boyfriend, and I love him more than I thought possible. The relationship we have is more satisfying than any I have had in my entire life, due entirely to the work that I did on myself and my ability to give to another person.”

    Such evolution ! Such reward!! And she owes it all to …..drumroll….herself !!

    • Oh God, every relationship is THE MOST FULFILLING I HAVE EVER HAD IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.


      • Duuuude. She she said the same thing about Jack last year. I think she just really doesn’t even remember the past. It exists only in the little snippets of narrative that she wants to remember. That could be why she’s always all “that was three months ago! No one even remembers that!” Cuz she lich-erally doesn’t.

        • Cf.: The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hat by Oliver Sacks, specifically, the chapter where he references Funes the Memorious by Borges. I’m not memorious enough to remember the title of Sacks’ essay, but I’m sure there’s someone around here who knows what I’m semi-coherently hinting at.

          • That is one of the best books ever. So odd to think about Oliver Sacks and Julia Allison at the same time. I think my head may explode.

          • Oliver Sacks is lucky to have face-blindness, unlike those of us who have her melting marionette mask of dumb and mean forever seared into our cerebella.

          • Albie, do you remember an anthology of short fiction that came out . . . ten, twelve years ago, on the theme of time and memory? I bought a copy for Mr. Handbag when it was first released and now can neither find it nor remember the title/editor. But it was GOOD.

          • OK I have a similar question. Do any of you ladies of a certain age remember a young adult fiction book in the ’70s about kids in Wales, some kind of mystery, they were on the moors at night??? My sister read it and then gave it to me a few years later and we were both obsessed with it and now neither one of us can find it or remember the name of it, the author, NOTHING. I guess we drink too much.

          • Handbag, are you thinking about The Vintage Book of Amnesia, edited by Jonathan Lethem? If not, I got nothing.

          • Jacy, are you thinking of Owl Service by Alan Garner? There are clues hidden in hollow trees and a brother and sister solving some kind of mystery with the help of a hermit or similar.

          • Jacy, was it maybe a book by Enid Blyton? She wrote tons of Brit YA, and had her “Famous Five” going on adventures all over England and beyond, a group of kids. I think she had multiple series like that. Even if you read it in the 70’s, possibly it was written earlier (I read tons of YA as a kid written decades earlier.) Going on the moors in Wales, kids having adventures.. just a possibility it was Blyton. She was really prolific.

          • Jacy, I think you are talking about the Susan Cooper books — Over Sea Under Stone was the first, and there are a bunch more.

  26. this bitch’s rock bottom is not having a boyfriend? the girl who drives around in a convertible Mercedes, lives in a nice apartment and can afford nice (cough) clothes/shoes and to keep her dog groomed?


    • No shit. She’s so obnoxious.

      She whines about how terrible “the experience” has been for her. How it made her reevaluate life and what is important. That she’s lucky to have such strong support system.

      Bitch, you were on a poorly-rated reality TV show. You weren’t diagnosed with cancer.

      But to Donkey, it’s the same thing. And her “big reveal”? She acts like she’s telling everyone she’s in remission. Perspective Donkey. Get some. Finding a boyfriend isn’t a big deal to anyone except you. And maybe lonely 17 year girls.

    • It would be incredibly beneficial if she actually hit a rock bottom.

      Imagine the potential actual breakthroughs if her parents cut her off financially, once and her all, and she was forced to find a real job. Imagine her having to find a job waitressing or working at a coffee shop just to pay rent on the one-bedroom she shares with a blonde non-friend, having to find a night job to keep her donkey gut stuffed of gluten-free goods, and you know, having to really examine everything she’s done in life– the people she’s fucked over, the opportunities she shat on, the genuinely good people she took for granted in search of a better offer.

      But that will never happen, because she surrounds herself with fat-walleted sycophants and enablers.

    • OMG! You took the words right out of my mouth. I cannot understand who would ever like her and her obnixous circle of friends who think their s**t do not stink.

  27. This heifer is so high on her own bullshit its not even funny. I’m starting to feel the strains of donk fatigue. And according to her in chat last night, I’m apparently a penis wrinkle.


      • I can’t remember who…but someone said the IP address matched the one she uses. Either way, I felt it best not to engage the person, and I said as much. So “Juliar” started jumping my shit as to why not engage. Because I’m a penis wrinkle and I was scared to talk to her or some bullshit.

    • I wish I would’ve caught the penis wrinkle thing.

      But while we’re on it, what about all the reeking wrinkles in freaking time she tries to iron out on her battered up Twitter timeline like they’re crow’s feet on her fucking assface????

  28. Borderline. Personality. Disorder. But not a smart one, which is a saaaad combination.

  29. AS IF and IF ONLY she had an extended basic cable network offer to foot a fake wedding bill. That’s a push up a hill she ain’t got the hindsight to climb. But if she DID get a wedding show/special she’d LOVE to write the treatment. I will afford you a cluster headache and translate her most likely script treatment/pitch:

    The guests would be directed to follow the camera crew behind the church onto the cemetery lawn where they nay their vows, followed by a HECK YEAH fucking upper class white trash wonder bread tailgatin’ hootenanny, as they wine and dine and whine and piss and jig the fucking night away all for the beautiful, beautiful lenses and flashes and videocameras, AND ALL ON TOP OF HER DEAD GRANDMOTHER’S GRAVE.

    I cannot with you then, nor now, nor ever Donkey.

  30. Oh, THIS has brought me back out of the woodwork and away from the nighttime-desk-errand-running to say…I wrote more sincere, meaningful, and legitimate tripe in my diary when I was 15. Seriously. Holy crappers if I caught myself even *thinking* like this now, I would find some way to run for the hills from myself. This is truly horrifying coming from a woman my age who is not legitimately stunted in a way that should qualify her for government help.

  31. The Elle.com eyeroll:

    And so my chapter as a Guinea Pig of Love comes to a close. (Spoiler! This chapter has a happy ending)

    For me, this moment is a long time coming, a process that started when I was twenty-one years old, a junior at Georgetown, when I made the choice that would change the rest of my life: to write a column about dating. (They say you teach what you yourself need to learn. Perhaps I knew then, maybe subconsciously, that I didn’t have the tools for a healthy relationship, evidenced by the decade of dating that followed).

    I started this column to “visit unconventional experts and delve deep into toxic patterns I may have unconsciously been replicating in my love life. I’ll talk to a tarot card reader, work with a love coach, visit witches, attend a pleasure workshop, and sit down with a mind architect, all to see whether I can actually move toward the thing I want most in this world: love.”

    What I had expected happened: The experiments were messy. They were sad. I cried more than a few times. But I did learn to believe in love again. And, most importantly, I found peace—and a new theory on love and relationships:

    I believe that you receive the partner best suited to whoever you are, whatever lessons you need to learn, whatever stage of development you’re at, and however you see yourself. If you don’t believe you’re deserving of love on a deeper level (I’m not talking about what you say, I’m talking about how you feel inside), you will be met with unavailable, disinterested, or non-committal partners—or you’ll find men who love you, but whom you don’t find to be a good match. You’ll feel those insidious doubts and you’ll wonder in frustration, “Is this it?” The real issue always lies in you. Always. Every time. It lies in you to make the changes that you need in order to have the relationship you want.

    When I look back at my relationships over the years, I’ve gotten exactly what I—deep down—thought I deserved. And it’s clear that sometimes I didn’t feel I deserved very much, at all.

    With every expert I visited, I changed. I listened, I learned, I confronted issues within myself that I had buried for decades. And I found the question inside me shifting from “How can I find a future husband who embodies everything I want in a man?” to “How can I become the woman that man would want to marry?”

    Would my man want to marry a woman with low self-esteem? Of course not. Would he want to marry a woman who didn’t love her body? No. Would he want to marry a woman who was frantic or stressed all the time? A woman who was desperate? A woman who was frequently defensive? An uptight perfectionist? Absolutely not.

    So I evolved myself, and in the process, a miraculous thing happened: I stopped caring about the end goal—this future husband, this future marriage. It isn’t that I stopped desiring a life partner. It’s that I started loving myself, and I felt whole. Prince Charming wasn’t coming, and that was actually okay. Instead I choose to focus on creating a life so full of adventure, love, and growth that I’m fulfilled without such a man.

    And of course, guess what happened?

    I met the very man I had been looking for all along.

    This man is now my boyfriend, and I love him more than I thought possible. The relationship we have is more satisfying than any I have had in my entire life, due entirely to the work that I did on myself and my ability to give to another person.

    All of us have people in our lives to help us do things: We go to an accountant to help us with our finances, a mechanic to help us with our car, and a doctor to help us with our health. Yet many of us languish with no guidance, no expertise, no assistance whatsoever in the area most important to us: love. I can say for sure that I would not be in this happy, healthy, deeply-fulfilling relationship were it not for the help I received from these unconventional experts.

    If there is one lesson I can leave you with, it’s this: Every relationship comes into our lives to teach us lessons we need to grow into the people we’re meant to become—and the relationship that teaches us the most is the one with ourselves. So whether you’re single and frustrated or in a relationship you don’t quite find satisfying, turn yourself into your own guinea pig of love. Experiment. Learn. Grow. Love yourself more. Make new mistakes. Dance with your fear instead of fighting it.

    Most of all, know that you can create any sort of life and relationship you want—as long as you’re willing to do the work to become the woman your ideal man wants. It’s certainly not easy, but I can tell you from experience…it’s worth it.

    • You know, I wasn’t sure that it was possible to despise her more, but…well, there it is. She’s reprehensible in “lesson learned” mode.

      And why, pray tell, does this “writer” hyphenate “deeply-fulfilling”?

    • Do you think she’s trying to convince us that this “relationship… is more satisfying than any I have had in my entire life,” or do you think she’s trying to convince herself?

      It’s all about extremes. She can’t say “I’m in a very happy and fulfilling relationship,” it has to be THE MOST MEANINGFUL RELATIONSHIP OF MY LIFE!

      You’ve known him for three months. That is barely enough time to really get to know someone. At the three month point, you’re still finding out little quirks and kinks and bad habits about the other person. We’ll see if this guy lasts much longer.

      Wonder what the excuses will be when he doesn’t work out.

      • And hey! Maybe now that she’s so fulfilled and so happy and so everything, she can update her Twitter profile photo to one that was taken within the last two years? No? OK, then!

      • She says this every time, about every guy she meets. Pancakes, Prom King, [redacted 1 ], [redacted 2], Alex, etc.

        • True but she also says this about EVERYTHING EVER. Every time of her life was the most exciting fulfilled adventurous happy etc til it wasn’t…til the next time was. Every job was exactly what she wanted to do til she gets fired and hated it anyway. Lather rinse repeat.

          • Oooh! I can’t wait until next year!

            “I had just finished this very taxing reality show and I thought I had to show the world that I was in this perfect relationship… but Devin couldn’t have been less perfect. Deep down, I wasn’t fulfilled, but I wanted to wait until after New Year’s to dump him.”

      • Gawd. Her writing about this three-month relationship illustrates just how NOT AT ALL she has changed. It’s so obvious but she’s too stupid to see it… and she expects a legion of fangirls to cheer her on.

    • Publicly declaring love after KNOWING HIM for 3 months?! Dudebrah should maybe start researching the witness protection program.

      • Also- JFA’ing
        “the relationship we have is more satisfying than any I have had in my entire life, DUE ENTIRELY to the work that I did on myself….

        I guess he has no part in the relationship.
        Mememememememmememememe. Me.

    • My brain will explode if I try and read this drivel. Will RRR and EyeRoll PLEASE submit their parsings ASAP? Mama hasn’t got all day.

      • You’re really gonna have to gimme a hot minute I’ve been too busy baking shrinky dinks and absorbing these comments to even read that shiz in totality yet. As if there’s any totality to be found…

        • Whoa, are you Lena Dunham? (There’s a Dunham essay in this week’s New Yorker with a passing mention of shrinks dinks.)

          I kid. I’m sure it’s just a coinkidink.

      • Has she changed her magazine subscriptions to his address yet? See, that’s when I know it’s true eternal love. Endless Love, like Lionel and Diana sang about.

    • The happy, healthy, deeply fulfilled Julia she is today. Yeah, right. Countdown to when that version of her persona jumps the tracks started last night after the final Miss Advised lunatic collage rolled.

      • Two things she will never admit about herself even after her grand journey of self-discovery:

        1. She has fucked up every relationship she’s been in due in large part to blogging and Tweeting and Facebooking the crap out of it, and now she’s doing it again.

        2. She lies/exaggerates/obfuscates/bullshits about EVERYTHING (related to #1) and she’s doing that again too.

        Until she can acknowledge these two fundamental character flaws that keep exhibiting themselves time and time again, she will never be happy and no dude will ever marry her, including this hot dumbass who will get burned by her in some way sooner or later and flee for the hills like the rest of them.

    • Instead I choose to focus on creating a life so full of adventure, love, and growth that I’m fulfilled without such a man.

      And of course, guess what happened?

      I met the very man I had been looking for all along.

      I. JUST. KANT.

    • Telling (and disgusting): “you can create any sort of life and relationship you want—as long as you’re willing to do the work to become the woman your ideal man wants.” Not who you want, or what you want. What he wants! Tell me who I should be! Honey.

  32. On another note, let’s check in to see what law-school dropout and fellow “perfectionist” Miss Ash has to say about this tremendous news!


    *For the record, I’m not making fun of this girl because she dropped out of law school – after all, I dropped out of grad school. I’m making fun of her for saying she dropped out because being a perfectionist gave her writers’ block and thus she HAD to drop out.

    **I dropped out of grad school because I hated the students and the program. Hey, maybe I dropped out because I’M a perfectionist! Responsibility deflected!

    • THANK YOU. Don’t feel bad, she failed out.
      To be blunt, I just failed out of law school because of the general issues she has with writing her column. Perfectionism was the root cause of my procrastination and writers block, and I would spend hours on one sentence in a memo.

      coupled with this previous post:
      Not much can come between me and my beloved Bravo shows–I will cancel plans, stay up late and regret it in the morning, or skip studying for a law school exam. Pure dedication…or obsession. Really it’s a fine line, and quite hard to tell.

      Note she has ZERO issues with “writer’s block” when writing about her beloved Bravo.

      • Thanks, OMGDonk – but I definitely do NOT feel bad about dropping out of grad school after seeing my fellow humanities types scrape and scrap for positions. That’s the life for some, but it ain’t for me.

        • No, no! I mean’t don’t feel bad for calling her a law school drop out because it sounds like she’s blaming “perfectionism” a la Donk

  33. She totally self plagiarized! How is that okay???? And WTF was she pretending to write during the show when she admitted she was just writing her Bravo blog this past Sunday WHICH IS IN FACT her Elle column???? So lazy, so full of shit

    • During the show she was writing about how sad she was that Andrew broke up with her, which is why she called up Mind Douche (tm someone else, maybe Amelia) for a pep talk.

      Of course, she never published that “column” for the delectation of “her ELLE readers” ever. We just got PROOOOOM!, then Ladybusiness Grifter Camp, then Closet Talk.

  34. “He watched the whole series beside me” except when you were in New York or at the Ashley Tisdale party or in Chicago.

    So he watched, what, two episodes beside you?

    I mean, not to denigrate the accomplishment of having to deal with stereo bray and cray—I think ol’ Waldorf deserves some kind of a medal for that—but good Greg woman you are a lying liar who lies.

    • Now, now, now, you are not allowing for Donkey’s official language, Legalese. He was right beside her while she watched interminable RERUNS of the entire 8 episodes, analyzing the camera angles and plotting her next after-market alterations and cursing the editors and producers.

  35. I still can’t believe she hasn’t announced her new website launch. Holy fuck, Julie, that was your 15 minutes of fame right there and you didn’t capitalize on it! What kind of a tech entrepreneur founder businesswoman are you that it was more important for you to brag about having been banging the same rando cock for THREE WHOLE MONTHS?

  36. Watching Youth Knows No Pain. To get a glimpse into JA’s future, view the plastic surgeon’s wife at about the 22 minute mark. Eek.

      • OT RE: Netflix … I changed my plan from DVD deliveries to streaming & have been on a Mad Men kick ever since (almost to the 5th season; so transfixed w/ that series!) … anyway, yeah, mucho happy w/ the flix of net as well.

        • ME, TOO re: Mad Men.

          Went back to Season, Episode 1 and have re-watched every episode. Am now at Season 4. Best show ever.

  37. By the way, this dude said NO SUCH THING about her for her Bravo blog – although all the talk of “positioning” does reek of Tony Robbins.

  38. Donk needs to have her head surgically transplanted onto John Cusack’s body, in a trenchcoat raising a ghetto blaster in the air, because this bitch will SAY ANYTHING.

  39. “On the show, you say you’re looking for your husband, but in real life I never saw that side of you. You have a more balanced head about it. You’re positioning yourself with knowledge and experiences that you understand will lead you closer in that direction, but you’re not grasping for it. You’re positioning yourself to be receptive when the right person arrives.”

    Message heard LOUD and CLEAR, Julia. You’re positioning yourself because you understand that positioning yourself with knowledge will lead you close in “that” direction. WTF. Donkey hooves all over this.

    You’re so much stronger and mature in real life. That just seems like a less experienced, less mature version of you. You seem all over the map on the show and in real life you’re marching in a straight line. You seem a little Miss… Advised on the show.”

    OH COME THE FUCK ON. You’re so much stronger and mature in real life. If only the Donkey’s Dear Readers knew her in real life, they’d see she has it more together than it appears on MA.

    Does she REALLY think impersonating another boyfriend will make her more likable? If we only knew her in person, sigh.

    • There’s no way a heterosexual young man with any balls said all this. Or a homosexual one. People don’t actually speak in paragraphs, and such a long tribute to the greatness of A Donkey’s Journey is just laughably fake. You know how even online, you get to know your friends’ “voices”, their individual tone and pov, the way they write? It works for people you hate, too- Julia wrote all that. Derp, obviously, it scarcely needs to be said that she wrote that tribute to herself and ascribed it to her current victim. I have to wonder how cool he is with that, that she has him lavishly praising her, in her own words and not his? Is he even aware of this, and that it will be on the Internet forever? Julia wrote that, and she is ha, so wildly terrible. Poor dude.

  40. Again….I offer a $5,000 bet to ANYONE – white knights…dumb cunts….Daddy…Britt, so-called friends, Donkey herself…that she will NOT be married. Ever.

    Put your money where your Donkey teeth are, honey. Or shut the FUCK UP.

      • Here’s a suggestion. Why don’t the two of you simply stop engaging each other? Just pretend you don’t see one another’s comments. It’s getting tiresome.

  41. Pant…pant…pant…gasp…choke…wheeze…

    And so we’ve come to the season finale. As I wrote in the last thing I managed to type before ELLE security set fire to the desk:

    For me, this moment is a long time in coming, a process that started when I was first produced by meiotic division and a botched episode of the rhythm method. We’ll skip some of this and fast-forward to me, young and beautiful, 21-years old, at Georgetown University where I made the choice that would change the course of my life and last name: namely, I became a dating columnist. A very well-read dating columnist who sometimes forgot her sources of inspiration.

    They say you teach what you yourself need to learn. I asked them what they meant and they said “fuck, you just knocked over the bong, dumb ass.” Perhaps I knew (subcutaneously) that I did not have the right tool for a healthy relationship, that when I opened the great big toolbox of my mind, there was only a joke picture of myself with “TOOL” written on it. My subsequent decade of dating filled up that damn toolbox, let me tell you, mostly with more pictures covered with unprintable words.

    Watching myself on this show was a strange experience akin to suddenly wishing that I could mail myself piecemeal to Santa. Let me put it this way: if the only two things on TV are Miss Advised reruns and some kind of porno involving Japanese schoolgirls and Clthulu, just slap my ass and call me Harriet Hentai. The real cringe-inducing bits are where I battle with personal demons, such as “OMG He Came to Dinner,” and “My Roommate is an Enchanted Candlestick who is Trying to Kill Me.” I also asked for help from people whom most of us would label “unconventional,” but who I would, upon reflection, personally call: “Up the Crazy Tree, Digging for Apples.”

    The episode begins with me sitting on the couch with Aged Crone, the mind shaft. I was devastated because I had gotten dumped by Andrew and had recently lost my beloved grandmother plus, about six years ago, I passed a kidney stone on a crosstown bus. The end with Andrew was painful mostly because of what he represented: a guy with a YouTube history even more retarded than my own and he still thought I was a lunatic.

    And yet from our greatest pain comes our greatest freedom: yes, that kidney stone had me completely unconcerned about screaming my head off in public. Let me tell you, you shit a fire ant colony out your ladybusiness and public etiquette is a Beverly Hills rap group, honey.

    Aged Crone told me to stop controlling everything, and mostly the TV remote. “It’s really lonely,” I said and he said “Shut up, I’m watching this.” It turned out to be something about Japanese Schoolgirls and Clthulu. I said “Oh my God,” and then I said “That tentacle is obviously fake” and then I said “nobody could possibly get into THAT position” and then he told me I should take a little walk and get some fresh air.

    Am I Happy? No, or any of the other dwarves. Occasionally I feel a little like the wicked queen and once I had a dream where I was the apple, but other than that my Disney princess days are done. The Disney TYRANT RULER OF THE WORLD days await.

    I’m also lonely despite having unbelievable friends. Literally unbelievable. No one believes I have them. But if so, how do you explain how this banana just popped into my hand? I love being part of a loving community, a loving family, a loving friendery or whatever you would call it. I have big clumps of love in New York, Chicago, LA, San Francisco (Washington, DC, not so much). I just wish everyone I loved was in one place. So I could watch them like a wombat because I don’t trust those slippery bastards any further than I could throw them.

    I also don’t feel that my career is where I want it to be, which is to say that currently I have a Dun & Bradstreet rating somewhere between Zero and Shit. I’d like to make an impact that does not involve a leased Mercedes and adverse driving conditions (note to self: send Hallmark card apology to the fruit cart).

    And yes, my life feels incomplete without a life partner. Without a teammate. Without an 89-point checklist Charlie. Without Grimshaw Aloysius Bear. Without someone beside me. Without someone behind me. Without someone inside.

    Anyway, here’s some more stuff from the list:

    1,008: Disposes of wanked-in tissues in the proper receptacle
    1,009: Upon my charging into his room to ask him where the waffle iron is, STOPS WANKING
    1,010: When out of tissue, buys own goddamn box: does not raid my cabinet for tampons
    1,011: Jesus Christ, just do it in a sock already. Ping Ping the Talking Panda Laundry doesn’t give a fuck.
    1,012: what is this sticky stuff all over Daddy’s fencing foils? Have you been using them to toast marshmallows again?

    Did you expect me to throw it away? Ha ha! No, no, the list, not all the tissues. Those I throw away. Ugh.

    God damn, another, what, 800 words of this crap to go. 900 words if it’s a syllable.

    Anyhoo, skipping ahead to the juicy bits, the real issue lies in you. And it lies in me. And lies and lies and lies.

    So earlier this year, the question shifted from “How can I find Mr. Checklist” to “How can I find Mr. Goodbar?” One home invasion call to the cops later, I shifted the question again to “How can I become Mrs. Checklist?” Well, obviously by marrying Mr. Checklist, duh. But how to do that? The witches’ answer involved a lot of personal digging and exploration and the digging and exploration, the opening of Marilyn Monroe’s coffin and the wearing of her skin, but frankly, I hate sushi, so that was a clear no. Prince Charming wasn’t coming – and neither was I, what with Scylla Sideeye having used all my batteries for her shitty Casio.

    So instead I did what I am best at doing. I gave up.

    And presto! Guess what happened?

    Well, readers, I found him. He is a mouse and his name is George. He is good for petting.

    But the tentacle is fake.

      • I loved your last essay on how Bloomberg is a Nazi Jew.

        And by “loved” I mean “read the headline, figured yep, Matt hasn’t been shot through the head yet,” and went back to eating donuts straight out of the box.

        • I can’t believe MB exists on the same planet as RRR — it’s mind boggling.

          • Technically, it’s an asteroid, or so the little French fag said before we killed and ate him. Yes, it’s certainly dreary up here with no one but Matt and that goddamn talking flower for company. Matt’s getting all whiny again about the hot water so I’m just a little to the left, admiring the moon.

            Wait a minute.

            That’s not a moon.

            It’s a space station.

            OH FUCK.

          • And in an hour that talking flower will go back to being retarded. THEN what will you do?

          • MB & RRR on the same planet is kinda like Julia Allison and Oliver Sacks on the same planet. Or asteroid.

          • Er…I am very flattered…but given that Oliver Sacks was in some way responsible for the film “Awakenings” I, uh, do hope you mean I’m Julia Allison in that equation.

      • Sigh…

        We asked RRR to write this. Why do you have to be such a Debbie Downer? We’re just trying to get our lulz on.

        No percocet for you!

    • Pure brilliance, RRR — delivered another masterpiece — You had me at “knocked over the bong”…

    • “Grimshaw Aloysius Bear” made me laugh so hard it brought on a coughing fit.

      I say “You’re slaying me!” to you a lot, Tri-R, but this time I mean it 😉 literally.

    • I was already laughing at this: “And so we’ve come to the season finale. As I wrote in the last thing I managed to type before ELLE security set fire to the desk.” Thanks.

    • “Let me tell you, you shit a fire ant colony out your ladybusiness and public etiquette is a Beverly Hills rap group, honey. ”

      No words. Too brilliant.

    • Oh how I love RRR. I still occasionally check in here (after fading away over the years), mostly in the hopes of RRR posts. Today was a good day.

      ps. Any chance you could start a blog about something, anything? I think you are my favorite thing on the interwebs.

      • A blog about something, anything?

        How do you feel about artichokes?

        I’m indifferent myself, but I know if I had a blog my mother would read it. And asking readers: “have you ever tried to insert an artichoke in your vagina,” etc., sounds a whiff more UC than, say, a beet.

  42. good lord. do the lies never end? how different ways can you say liar, liar, liar?!

  43. You can tell the entries that drive Donk crazy because she responds to them on the site. DO. NOT. ENGAGE.

  44. Julia obviously believes that by audience demand, Bravo will give her a show of her own, about her happy new life as the star of a relationship. Like Bethanny. It will be called “Julia Wins: Happily Ever After.” Andy himself will tie festoon her with ribbons in the opening credits much as the bluebirds did for Snow White. Clearly Elle will beg her to keep “writing” “columns.”

    Any she will get a book deal to write about how to be happy in love and every page will feature her in a tutu.

    I LOATHE people who insist on framing every event in their lives as it is happening, “It’s true what they say, the moment I stopped looking, love found me….”

    She falls in “love” twice a year with the image of herself as ingenue in a rom com that captivates the nation. Every f-ing time she dates someone, on-or-off reality TV, she behaves as though a million people are audibly cooing over how adorable she looks in her dress, and how adorable with tears rolling down her aftermarket cheeks, and no one can imagine what went wrong, and isnt she brave for getting back out there. America’s sweetheart!

    How amazing was it during her architectural consult when he told her that all the pink sludge she wears, smears on, and injects into her face drives people away, and within SECONDS she had twisted that around and responded all enlightened something like, “Oh now I see, of course! By maintaining this veneer of protection I intimidated men!”

    He didn’t say your perfection drives men off. And later she wrote again something like of course men can’t get close to a “frantic perfectionist.”

    Frantic Perfectionist is the new Doer of Errands.

    She shouldn’t work so hard with her frantic perfectionism. In fact, Daddy, my Architect made it clear that I can never get a job lest it trigger my Frantic Perfectionism! It’s a condition! Caused my jobs and gluten!”

    • I love everything about this comment. It’s so true that she’s viewing this next “chapter” as the “Julia Wins” chapter.

      Also, “Aftermarket Cheeks” would be an amazing username.

    • “Julia Wins: Happily Ever After Forever in Perpetuity Throughout the Universe.”

      fixed that for ya

    • ‘Julia obviously believes that by audience demand, Bravo will give her a show of her own, about her happy new life as the star of a relationship.’

      That is exactly what I thought when I saw her updated list now includes:

      ’88. Will be on TV with me without throwing a massive fit’

      • AbbeyHanson ‏@AbbeyHanson
        @JuliaAllison Was so hoping the big news was your own show! We gals can continue to dream!
        Reply Retweet Favorite
        4h Julia Allison ‏@JuliaAllison
        @AbbeyHanson – oh that’s not off the table!!!
        Hide conversation
        Reply Retweet Favorite
        3:10 PM – 7 Aug 12 via Echofon · Details

        • Maybe she can have a crappy Internet TV show like all her friends? Or just make scat videos for YouTube like Taryn?


          • I’m beginning to think that D0nkey took this kid to Hawaii on GMB’$ dime as retainer that she can use him as a pretend BF while she shits on tables & angles for their reality show together …

            Heh. Ask Jelly Donut how well that worked out for him.

          • LOLLLLL.

            She is literally insane. I LOVE these manic ego fucking out of control JA episodes. Sure sure sure the show was a runaway hit, clearly you are getting your own show. Christ. I fucking cannot with her lunacy.

          • Empty-handed, I hold a hoe.
            Walking on foot, I ride a buffalo
            Passing over a bridge, I see
            The bridge but not the water flows.
            (Fu Ta-shih)

      • Meanwhile her fangirls will move on to the next thing in a week or so. They are Tisdale fans, not really her fans.

  45. While Julia is crooning “I Did It My Way,” that sound you hear isn’t gunfire, it’s doors slamming all over Hollywood. What a quick end to her dreams of overnight stardom and her hopes for an Elle column. Job 1 for her now is free rent in LA, a.k.a. a boyfriend.

    • He is not currently jobful and doesn’t have rich parents, so Pettifogger is going to be footing the bills fairly soon, I’d wager.

      • I honestly can’t imagine trying to look for a job while dating her needy-ass ass, either. Poor Waldorf.

      • No, I think she’s still looking, ‘wishing and hoping and thinking and praying’. This guy is the brother of Amy Sedaris’s imaginary boyfriend Ricky.

        • Apparently a friend of his tipped Jacy and JP off that he was dating her. I was surprised because I thought he was a prop, but it seems legit that they’re seeing each other.

          • Meh. It’s not about whether she’s dating him, it’s about what’s in it for her and his usefulness for saving face. She’ll be trying to hump Chaz’s leg in Chicago and hoping that Lerer or Tisch will see the light and lift her up where she belongs.

          • Oh, I completely agree that she will OBO him in a second if a bigger wallet (which is probably everyone) comes along.

            Which makes her whole ‘OH HE IS MAH MAYUN I LOOOOVE HIM SO WE ARE MEANT TO BEEEE BEST RELATIONSHIP EVER’ bullshit all the more risible.

            But the funny thing is that she is spinning this highly public web of lies around this actual person. Who apparently has a backbone of Jello because he doesn’t tell her to stop.

          • I’ll wager serious $$ that he’s being paid to play along.

            If the foo shits, & all that jazz …

      • Not really relevant to anything, but is it just me, or does he look rather significantly younger than her? Of course, most people under 40 do, but he looks maybe 25 in the one or tw photos I’ve seen.

        • He is 31. She just looks tremendously old for her actual years, though he does have a young face.

    • How will Donkey pay for the Marina Del Bray pad now that the shows over?Toliet Julia is probably plotting her escape. Where will she move next? Poor boyfriend…

      Actually, I bet she ends up at Downtown Condo within 3 months.

      • Yes, I think that’s how their incredible looooooooooove story will end, when Pettifogger gets sick of paying her LA rent and she’s summoned home to the condo.

        Quick, Charles “Popeye” Forman! Get engaged to a normal person now while you have this brief respite from Julie’s crosshairs!

        • I think she’ll absolutely try to move in and make his space her Donkey den but I don’ think he’ll go for it. He probably has roommates.

        • Devilia will never get rid of her, are you kidding? She’s already plotting their co-habitation in L.A. He’s going to have to get a restraining order before she ever moves back to the OMG downtown condo OMG OMG.

          • I don’t want to believe someone could be so stupid. I just see him having a lot of outs like I’m in a lease! No pets allowed! Unless her parents support her, she’s going to need a job. Donk seems nervous about the cash flow situation. Mentioning wanting to make more, be further in her career, etc. Donkey’s hoping for a book advance that better never come.

          • Yeah he doesn’t have a famous mom to escort her out of their “shared” condo.

          • From the photo of his apartment, I doubt there is room for Julie’s tutu collection. And agree that he probably has roommates anyway.

          • What you call his apt, I call ‘where he landed, post eviction’ … his shit is shoved all willy-nilly into someone’s spare room, by the looks of it.

            Pretty sure the kid doesn’t have a pot to piss in.

      • The same way she paid for a $2800 closet in NYC for 5 years. Dadsers/trust fund combo. Do you really think they want her back in Chicago? The check will def be in the mail.

          • Remember how little she wanted to leave New York and how desperately she was trying to find a way to stay in the pink broomcloset? But then she was whisked back to the condo and, it appeared, kept on a short leash financially. Then it seemed like the parents were funding the Pancakes scam, but after that back to short rations until she got her first wodge of TV money.

          • Oh that was when she put down a deposit on a “penthouse” and backed out 30 minutes later because she realized she really wanted to live in LA. My translation was: they wanted a co-signer and daddy said no.

          • Yes, her spinning was crazy. “I have to leave New York because my apartment’s for sale! Oh, I want to buy it and stay! No, I’m going to move to a penthouse! No, I’m going to go to LA and become Famous!”

            And then she wound up living in her parents’ condo guest room for months and months.

          • The funniest was the braying I AM MOVING TO L.A.! post and then she quietly changed it, a couple of months later, to I AM MOVING! and dropped the L.A. and edited all mentions of L.A. out of the post. A JA classic.

          • Yeah the spinning was amazing — suggesting for months that she was hiring movers to haul her stuff to LA, asking about LA neighborhoods, etc.

            What a head case.

      • yet, she signed a one-year lease this spring! will jessica “alexis” arquette move in as her new BFF? will the next season have a revolving parade of air bnb guests to fill the empty bedroom?

        • Didn’t she have that STAR gig when she got into a lease in NYC? And then she had income potential when she got into a lease in MdB?

          Dad$er paid off the first lease? And then probably shit bricks when D0nkey leased the MB rollerskate, because there went any hope of D0nkey saving anything from Mess Despised & paying her own MdB lease too?

          The Intel BS may have been for Dad$er’s benefit … but all Julie really had going for her was GMB’s impending demise.

      • You just reminded me of something that I haven’t seen mentioned: Did anyone notice, in that last episode, the broken-down boxes propped up in the apartment? Saw those & wondered if Flusher Price was packing up way back in May, or was D0nkey just sending her prom dresses back to cold strg in Chitown.

        • Flusher may have peaced out with the cameras. There was a spreecast a while ago, Flusher was in NY and JA was extra touchy about it. Made sure to note Flusher only had a weekend pass from the donkey den.

    • “My Way’….lulzzzz…..Also: I remember the segment with her “best manager in Hollywood, Stephen” in a past episode. According to Donks, Stephen was in charge of getting her “writing gigs”….BWAHAHAHA ….He was telling her that her writing sucked, he AND her editor Keith were concerned about the product she was putting out. Wonder if “best manager in Hollywood” is still trying to sell Donkeyware?

  46. UGH, she is just BEYOND pathetic.

    I’m sure she could be in love in three months but acting like this is her future husband is CRAY! She’s going to scare this dude away (if he already isn’t scared). I see that she basically learned nothing from her show or articles on the show.

    And who accepts a date on a date of a grandparent passing? Typical Donkey turning the grieving day into being about her.

    • Granny would have WANTED HER TO MOURN that way. Who are you to tell someone that going on a date with a stranger is not a proper way to mourn the passing of your Grandmother??? How dare you! Granny is smiling from above, and listening to Bach, lots of Bach. I think she sent him my way, the witch confirmed it, and that makes it true. Stop hating and try loving with your whole being, soul, and body.

  47. Did anyone notice in the finale when Donk sends Keith her “column” you can see the document and its titled OUTLINE?

    • Doesn’t matter, because Keith was long gone from ELLE at that point. So she could have sent dick pics to his ELLE account for all the difference it made.

      • If she liked dick pix. Which she has made abundantly clear that she doesn’t. Blowjobs: big yes. Dick pix: big no.

  48. Seriously is no one else disturbed that she literally provided zero fake details as to how this magical transformation took place? All the wahoos helped damnit! how and why and in what way who cares right? JUST ACCEPT IT SHE IS CHANGED BECAUSE SHE IS EVOLVED. IT WAS THAT EASY. GOLEM AT A BEACH THE END.

    Jesus. Can you at least make something up? I did x,y, and z daily and that led to this change? I mean, all 10 of your fans are looking up to you! Pray tell how this change occurred!!!!

    • She evolved herself! Which is a word I don’t think should be used as an active verb! We’ll just all have to buy her book, bunny! To find out her secrets about landing a man! Julia IS every single woman out there, and you can too.

    • I know….Miss Relationship expert alluded to theories but skipped over it to get back to the fairytale blather…

  49. Marina Del Bray Condo still available, only $299 a night. Too bad all the haters couldn’t rent it out together. The best part would be her reaction upon finding out. Dadsers!

      • How fuck(ing) hilare-ballz would it be if Big Julia & Little Julia rented out the joint, only to find out later, after it went viral as shit, that catladies were in there filming a youtube video?

      • Does this mean Julia actually rented this place on her own? Like not set up/paid for by Bravo because of the show? Donkey must really need the cash. IN WHAT WORLD DOES SOMEONE WITH SO MANY “HATERS” RENT OUT HER HOOOOOME? Come on in, everyone!

        • If the producers didn’t subsidize her rent (as a ‘relocation benefit’ or other allowance) they may have guaranteed it (I’ve heard of this being done for young actors without assets). In any case, they must have insured it as a production location.

          • Oh, look. A review of Marina del BRAY:

            Awesome stay at this place!! great location (one block from the beach, about a mile ish from the venice pier/washington street). The bikes were an added bonus, and I often went for a ride down towards Santa Monica/venice beach/etc. A perfect way to spend some time out in LA. Very homey feel with some fabulous roommates (the Julias are super sweet, fun, and very accommodating) and one adorable pup. The house is located right off of Speedway St, which gets a bit crowded during the weekend with beachgoers, bikers, etc. but because the house is tucked away, you’re shielded from most of the ruckus. I was sad to leave but happy to have made some great friends!

          • What fuck? $299 to couch surf with imbeciles? The Marriott Le Merigot in Santa Monica is less than that, and they have great room service.

          • I suspect, without any reason to do so, that a fictitious roommate of two desperate girls trying to make the idea of renting an apartment with the occupants still resident sound like tons of fun, might be named “Melody” if one of them was a musician and might have “gone to Harvard” if the other was obsessed with upper-ranking schools.

  50. Since RRR took care of the Bravo blog, I’ve rewritten her Elle article for her:

    by Donkey

    Listen bitches, this after market work “Pig of Love” column nonsense is finito. Elle and I are OVER professionally, but I am never going to admit it even though I’m admitting it here so no one can say I didn’t acknowledge the truth. No really. Ask my new boyfriend. He’s semi-cute and owns a webpage which means he’s a fuck you money bidness man who tells the truth too. For the record, Elle and I are on good terms. In fact, the editor just texted me last week. I won’t tell you what he said because I would have to wash my mouth out with monogrammed soap afterwards.
    For me, the moment I never thought would come is still not here. It all started when I should’ve decided to become a bartender at the age of 21 instead of a journalist (they say you teach yourself what you need to learn. I probably could’ve benefitted better from mastering the bounce of lime wedges from between my tit-crack into whiskey tumblers but hey, live and learn, right girls? Besides, my NEW MAN’S favorite movie is Cocktail and he calls me his “Little Elizabeth Shoe” (awwww!) so I guess it’s never too late for twisted dreams to take on a semblance of actually happening. By the way girls, I’m planning some sexy choreography for a lap dance involving shot glasses and donkey urine– I’m giving him as a gift for our 7-day anniversary, don’t tell!!! I’m nervous but life’s all about going out on a limb, right?

    Anyway, what I had expected happened: I propped myself up like the vacuous test tube I am and let Bravo press ‘record’ and it was sad. Deep down I know I was victimized by everyone and everything (and still am) but I like to look at it another way: Totally shut off from the real world, surrounded by my close friends, hanging from anti-gravity boots and squealing “Tiara tiara tiara!!!”

    Oh yeah, and the Mind Architect… What a wacky guy huh? Didn’t I look like I was actually LISTENING to him on camera? Didn’t I cry for you thirsty bitches out there enough and haven’t I successfully managed to grift a trip to Peru just from learning to believe in love again? What more do you want from me? MY MAN LOVES ME!!!
    Ultimately, I believe that you receive the best partner to feed and exacerbate your psychotic tendencies at any given moment, or to help you through the next fortnight of grifting (OBO ladies OBO!!!) I always lie about the real issue. Always. Every time. Remember– The lies that lie in you are meant to seamlessly enslave any possible future husbands, and trust me, I can work a lie.

    With every expert I visited, I became more of the same empty Donkey than ever. I exploited issues that I’d buried for decades. I confronted others and blamed them for my unhappiness. I found a question inside me grifting from “No one is perfect enough for me” to “What persona can I now adopt that will make a man want to marry me?”

    So I had to tuck my juicy, failed schemes under my pillow and ask myself the tough questions. Would my man want to marry a woman? No, because anyone who would tolerate me would have to be a lifelong closeted homosexual with a lot to lose if he fucks me over. Would my man want a woman who was desperate? Yes, because that’s the only way he’s going to get road head on the second date. See how tricky it is searching for your soul and coming up with a bottomless Olive Garden salad bowl every time? LOL!

    So I devolved myself, and in the process, a thing that attracted extremely low cable ratings happened: I stopped caring about being a decent person and the end goal– Attempting to peddle my “expert” qualities while spearfishing for wallets, became totally paramount, although, I will continue to deny this proven fact until the end of time despite an army of genius haters and a jacked up Twitter timeline that contradicts everything I stand for because– I’M NOT SINGLE ANYMORE LADIES!!!
    Did I mention that?

    So, the moral of this repetitious grim fairy tale is, can you guess it? Go on, guess what happened.

    Somebody fell for it! Can you believe it?

    I met a man who dreams of his own mother’s vagina and I have been looking for that all along. This man is now my servant, yet I do not love him because I am not capable of truly feeling. However, I’m a super hard worker and it’s because of all the work that didn’t go into that shit show and this shit column that I stand before you now, and get this–HAPPY AND NOT SINGLE!! And get this– I’ve actually got him convinced that I care about him!!!

    Everyone should use the people in their lives as handmaidens. Even experts like me need help with their taxes and whooping cough, right? And for the record, out of fraudulent self-entitlement, I refuse to not call myself a RELATIONSHIP EXPERT even though I have no guidance, no expertise, no Mexican maid to mop up my crocodile tears and barely a check from Bravo. Thank God I’ll never see the Mind Architect again and fuck this column.

    Know that I will continue to create any fantasy world that fits my immediate needs. Know that I would chew my foot out of a bear trap to have the last word. And most of all, know that I can’t believe I’m doing this to myself in front of the world.

    • You had me at “I met a man who dreams of his own mother’s vagina and I have been looking for that all along.”

    • ok if I take this?

      crying with laughter i love you and want to steal your belts and stay good friends with you even after you flee to guam!

        • I am long, long time lurker who posted a couple of times as “I Like Donkeys Except For This One,” but haven’t posted as much as I’d like to (like many other catladies here in the basement, I have an actual writing job that requires me to, you know, write. All the damned time. And yes, Donkey, I write books! With covers! And my picture and name on them!)

          Not that you necessarily care, but once upon a time, I believed in Donkey’s lies . . . I’m of an age where she’s a few years older and therefore I looked up to her in the sense that I wanted the life she pretends she leads (parties, boyfriends, travel, lack of a steady job!)

          And then I realized she was crazy, slapped myself for believing her, and came penitently down to the basement where I’ve wallowed in cheetos and cat hair ever since.

          • Also, for a writer, there’s some shitty sentences in that comment. Words are hard. I’m sure Donkey agrees.

          • Excuse me, I didn’t see you sitting there. Good to know you are down here. And for Greg’s sake don’t freak out about the punctuation and grammar. As I’ve said before, I’m texting this all from the equivalent of a 2006 Chocolate Razor phone and I’m always thinking people will dismiss me because I missed a fucking period. And yes, you can borrow any belt you want.

          • Don’t say “missed a period” in my presence, please.

            /flashback shakes

            /it’s like ‘nam

          • I love you so much eyeroller. Don’t ever leave me! *clings*

            (and I wish I had your eye for satire, good Greg you’re good)

    • “Deep down I know I was victimized by everyone and everything (and still am) but I like to look at it another way: Totally shut off from the real world, surrounded by my close friends, hanging from anti-gravity boots and squealing “Tiara tiara tiara!!!”

      i think this is the most proper send off for miss advised.

    • “Know that I will continue to create any fantasy world that fits my immediate needs. Know that I would chew my foot out of a bear trap to have the last word. And most of all, know that I can’t believe I’m doing this to myself in front of the world.”

      Spot on, brilliantly expressed, so, so funny and deeply sad.

    • *brilliant*

      Now, considering I begged several times for you to write this, I believe you deserve a little something for your troubles. How about a Dr. Gary Special? Percocet + PBJ sammich + cherry vodka and lemonade + Star Wars OR Star Trek marathon (you choose!)

      • Your satisfaction is, well, satisfactory enough for me tonight. However, if you would, place all items in a sandwich bag, put in Ronco Electric Food Dehydrator for 2-4 hours, remove, mark my intials on in frost resistant sharpie, and reserve for future date in your basment deep freezer.

        Geez. I managed a busy small company all day, commented continuously on this site, AND wrote her Elle article for her tonight. Enough is enough.

        • Done and Done!

          I say me, you and RRR have ourselves a little cat lady celebraish. Invite ALL THE GIRLS and really do it up. Top Shelf Margs, BL ‘Nums, Chips n dip, Captain Karl’s Cheese Grillins, Triscuits & mayo. Really go all out. Destination: Cold One City. So money.

          (all of the above inspired by my favorite twitter acct: @DadBoner)

  51. all the comments on this post are spot on. the catlady insight keep getting sharper… one might even say it’s EVOLVING ITSELF.


  52. jane seymour ‏@prancingpink
    @JuliaAllison @ELLEmagazine If this column was independent of Bravo, as you’ve claimed, why is it ending exactly as your show ends?

    @prancingpink @ELLEmagazine – Because I asked for the column to be timed to the show – had it run before, everyone would know what happened!

    Riiiiiiiiiiiiight. Uh huh. Sure.

      • Its hilarious to me how she thinks EVERY one is stupid. Yes, her white nits are a different level of “speshul”, but most people with a partial high school education can figure this shit out.

      • I love Jane Seymour too. And Julia is so comically bad at lying when she lies, which is all the time. You’d think she’d have gotten quite good at it by now. Alas, no! She is demonstrably a non-stop spewer of falsehoods, every time she opens her fucking mouth, or types. She really can’t help it, it’s her nature.

    • How is that an answer to the question? It makes no sense. I hope Jane Seymour goes at her again!

      • This one remains unanswered….

        jane seymour ‏@prancingpink
        @JuliaAllison @ELLEmagazine Also, why does Elle list you as ‘guest blogger’ but you call yourself a contributing writer on your FB profile?

      • So we’re to believe that they asked her to write 8 “columns”, which just happens to be the same number of episodes, and it was her marketing genius that decided they should be timed together.

        As though they were clamoring for the brilliance of her written word, but she had to tell them, “Woah. Hold on. You guys don’t know this, but I’m going to be on a really special reality show. I think it would be good for both of our brands if the column coincided with the show.”

        Spinning Donkey is making me dizzy.

        • If Elle considered it a success it would not end.

          Maybe that’s why she is soooooo desperate to ram this boyfriend down everyone’s throat, because it’s her out in explaining why there is no column. (Rather than the truth that is)

      • @prancingpink @ELLEmagazine – Because I asked for the column to be timed to the show – had it run before, everyone would know what happened!

        Ok donkster, but what about the fact that all of that means nothing since you screwed up your big Twitter reveal anyhow. Why is she still responding to people even?

  53. Hmm….but its ok to bray about Jelly being the one after 3 months and post photos, right?

    @adris88crazyluv – Thank you Adriana! Not sure about a photo just yet … we’re still a new couple (just three months)! Maybe one day!

      • Because she’s changed. She’s grown as a person.

        Or she thinks if she withholds the photo (like Robin withholds affection) people will remain interested in her relationship.

        I can’t tell which one.

    • Lol he is shutting down her mania. She would post photos in a heartbeat if she could. Fucking liar. Sure sure way too young a couple for pics but certainly not young enough for a fucking Elle mag reveal. Trouble in paradise already?

      • Also, I noticed she’s not using his actual name very much, if at all. Maybe afraid he’ll bolt, and she wouldn’t be able to grab another guy off the street as a substitute soulmate to save face.

    • And the long national nightmare is over. Donkey posted photos.

      Ha. Three fucking hours. That’s all she could hold out. It gives me the giggles.

    • Please quit asking me for pictures! Quit! I command it!
      Julia Allison ‏@JuliaAllison
      I love him. pic.twitter.com/iiHzH3SN
      33m Julia Allison ‏@JuliaAllison
      My boy, in Hawaii. pic.twitter.com/49KMEWjU

    • “Devin, my fans really want to see pix of us. It’s not just about me anymore. I have a responsibility to them now. I can’t let my fans down, babe.”

      • You just know there was a justification along those lines. A couple of hours earlier she was telling one, solitary “fan” it was too soon to post photos.

  54. AbbeyHanson ‏@AbbeyHanson
    @JuliaAllison Was so hoping the big news was your own show! We gals can continue to dream!

    5h Julia Allison ‏@JuliaAllison
    @AbbeyHanson – oh that’s not off the table!!!

  55. @JuliaAllison @ELLEmagazine That was fantastic! Everyone loves a happy ending. Will I lose my man card if I go back and read them all?

    5h Julia Allison ‏@JuliaAllison
    @madetoheal – not at all!!! My beau read them all 🙂


    • Did I mention I have a boyfriend? He reads my columns and cradles me in his toned arms and hairless chest on his leather couch in his cluttered living room, FUCK YOU HATERS.

      • Can you imagine the meltdown she had about DS’s single meet up profiles? Flames out of the Donkey nostrils raving mad. Probably added him to her ReputationDefender account.

      • “My beau read them all in a drugged stupor after I had him castrated. He says I’m a “real Einstein” about relationships- what a compliment! Aw. 🙂 “

  56. Mikhal Gausin ‏@MikeGabriella15
    @HeiferPlease @juliaallison @cranberrytea100 it’s pretty stupid to follow someone if you don’t agree with what they’re doing or saying

    6h Julia Allison ‏@JuliaAllison
    @MikeGabriella15 – heheh, right? They can talk all they want, but I’ve blocked them! Better things to do with my time – like The Getty!

    Nooo. She blocked HeiferPlease!

  57. i can AK kitty myself if this has been brought up…

    FOR SALE: 25 Quarterdeck Street, Marina del Rey, CA 90292

    4,514 SF$2,690,000


    Featured in the new BRAVO channel’s reality TV show “Miss Advised”. This 2008 Contemporary High Income Duplex is Steps to the Sand on a virtually private beach at the end of the Marina Peninsula with views of the canal, the boat channel, and the ocean. Featuring 2 fully tailored 2BR & 2 Bath Units + Studio. CURRENT OWNER WILL SIGN 1 YEAR LEASE TO STAY PAYING A HIGH RENT RATE. Both of the 2 BR units have classy marble slab gourmet kitchens w/ professional appliances, gleaming wood floors, cedar walk-in closets, spacious balconies, laundry rooms, and fabulous ocean view roof-top deck. Built-in whole house audio system, 3 brain security cameras & wired w/CAT6 High Speed Int. First floor with rare and coveted 6 Car Garage. Top quality finishes thru-out. The two 2-Bedroom units comprise 3,664 sq ft + the 850 sq ft Studio unit with 3/4 bath brings total to over 4500 sf. Studio unit opens onto front patio w/ Ocean View – can be Granny Flat, Office, Media Room, or used as a 3rd unit. This building has a High income history for use as vacation rental YEAR ROUND.


      what does this even mean? is it supposed to convey that the current owner will sign 1 year lease to keep collecting a high rent rate? maybe i’m slow tonight.

    • Rent for the second 2 BR is listed at $6,500/month on another site — no wonder she wants to turn it into a flop house.

      • Did Bravo pay her rent while they shot the show? Who’s paying the rent now? Dad$ers? No way in hell she’s paying that kind of rent.

        • Maybe Dadsers gives her $2800, same as NYC? I don’t think Bravo is paying rent though. I doubt they’d let her cash in and rent it out if they were paying, but I could be wrong.

        • The Silicon Valley show house “The Villa” in SF isn’t being fully paid for by Bravo, fwiw. The residents are paying around $3k/month each. Filming ended July 18th and cast members are renting their rooms every time they go away for a week.

          Did Julia sign a lease elsewhere or is she going to move into the studio?

      • It’s like those craigslist furniture ads that say ‘GORGEOUS COFFEE TABLE’ or ‘BEAUTIFUL SOFA – MUST SEE!’ Then you click on it and it looks like something a set decorator stole from Mrs. Roper’s apartment.

  58. I’m still cracking up at the fact that her blog entry is basically:

    “I once wrote…”
    “Allow me quote myself here…”
    “I think I said it best when I said…”

    • So. bad.

      I can’t stand how bad she wants to BE Carrie Bradshaw. Its all I can think about when I try to read her 3rd grade level writing. What would Carrie say? Would this happen to Carrie? I need a man who will let me run wild like the donkey that I am, like Carrie! My college roommate, such a Charlotte to my Carrie! I will give her this much, that botoxed face does look like Carrie’s in SATC2.

  59. I always knew she’d be polarising on tv, but I really didn’t think she’d be this horrid.

    I’m sort of annoyed at her for not having the ability to be remotely likeable (even to a subset of crazy people), which might have allowed her to carve out some kind of job for a few years at least.

    She thinks she SO cute, with her stupid affectations (PROOOMMMMM! LIST! BJ!) but she’s just so tone-deaf and goddamned unlikeable. I think she was legitimately aiming for ‘quirky Bravo sweetheart’, but she missed so badly she doesn’t even deserve to be an infamous nutcase.

    • We’ve been saying for years if only she’d embrace her inner cunt, she would finally make Fuck You Money à la Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth.

  60. Her written lies, obfuscations and excuses through the airing of Miss Advised are the actions of a desperate and frenzied maniac. She’s never been so prolific as a writer!

    • Yes it’s fascinating to watch her maniacally trying to ‘control the narrative’ — something she’s always tried to do, but this time with a TV show that portrays her as a flailing writer-wannabe and as a general headcase.

      I’m sure she feels satisfied by her Baghdad Bob pronouncements — except that Elle has dropped her, and explain it away however she wants, this show has defined her image in Hollywood (can you see a producer slogging through her blog posts to determine what she’s like — instead of just turning off the DVR after seeing how she comes across?).

  61. So it begins:

    @JuliaAllison: I love him.


    • …and begins:

      @JuliaAllison: My boy, in Hawaii.


    • Well, you know what they say…the couple that grifts their way to Hawaii over a bed of hot coals, penny stock schemes and email collecting/selling stays together.

      And “I love him?” “My boy?” Yikes. You need to chill, b.

      • IIRC, she pulled this exact same crap with Pancakes. Same progression. And we all know how that one turned out.

        Rinse, lather, repeat.

        She never, ever, EVER gets it. Fucking chill the fuck out, girl. Looks like once again, Jacy is going to be VERY disappointed and not get the wedding she’s been hoping and praying for.

    • And…I think we finally have a match.

      Two petty, mentally unbalanced, talent-free grifters disappearing into a pretty, floral, ineffective world of their own self-regard.

      It could be a lot worse for her…and possibly for him.

      Best of luck, you crazy kids.

      Just promise me one thing, Julia.

      No pics of your hoo-ha at the wedding reception.

    • He looks pretty douchetastic. And was willing to ‘match’ her outfit.

      Maybe she’s met her match?

    • Is he serious with that suit? He looks like he’s at a costume party. Also, he is way skinnier than a Donkey.

  62. And because I simply cannot resist, it’s time for the new RBD feature, Deep Thoughts with Devin Stetler:

    “I’ve heard more about ‘Avatar in 3D’ than i did about Clinton’s cigar or OJs Blazer. Has everyone gone mad!?”

  63. I keep thinking about something someone said before, maybe after the first episode or following the preview videos… it’s surprising how much she just didn’t try. Like, this was it — the big opportunity. She’s put so much effort into every fauxto opp, lipdub, name-drop, tweet, media appearance, etc in the past, yet she couldn’t even be bothered to wash her pelts, lose a few pounds, grift a stylist, or use her NPD manipulation skills to spin the show into a successful bullshit career. The last point especially — isn’t that what a self-absorbed lifecasting branding guru is best at? Shit, she surrounds herself with people like dummy Lewis — who made his [social media] fame and money by leveraging a football career into LinkedIn self-promotion & branding “expert” webinars. It wouldn’t have taken all that much effort and it’s the kind of thing you’d think she’d even enjoy. Bitch once finagled her way onto the cover of WIRED magazine!

    I know, lazy donkey is lazy… but it just seems off. Disappointing. Was it too much to manage? Too many lies and stories and plates to spin, so she just gave up? Depression? (common with NPD) The show was as boring as expected and the Bravo editors noticeably cruel… but couldn’t she have hired a TaskRabbit to help make those blog posts work for her? Do some well-planned story spinning and performance — but this time with an actual audience of a handful of adoring idiots ready to buy whatever she’s selling?

    I don’t know. I’m disappointed. I expected more manipulation, more of the monster. More of the Julia I watched work it at parties in ’08 and ’09 (it was sickening but fascinating). But maybe this is all she is now.

    I would not have watched the show if this blog and you cat people didn’t exist to make it interesting. Thank you.

    • Depression, I’m sure.

      I say that based on what I’ve seen a good friend go through — of all the things she has going for her, her chemical imbalance* is off the freaking charts, & she is so very, very self-destructive in regards to time-management; her hangup is doing what she’s supposed to do when she’s supposed to do it, & she has self-sabotaged in ways that are simultaneously fascinating & heart-wrenching to see. Difference is, she’s honest to a fault & embraces mental health care.

      * In the many years I’ve known her, she has outgrown her resistance to drug therapy, but between eventual increased tolerance to meds &/or job & insurance changes, shit well beyond her control still happens, occasionally.

  64. [img]http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10100173742999445&set=a.10100148755115365.2355236.1402715&type=3&theater[/img]

    She looks like his mom. My bitchy observation of the day.

  65. “…but what I really wish is that everyone I loved were in one place.”

    This is pretty much the definition of solipsism; she wants everyone to leave their own lives, towns, activities and merely rotate around her for her own amusement.

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