Barely Literate Person Makes More Sense Than Donk, Gives Better Advice Than Sea of Grifters

 

Donk is very busy with her new boyfriend and her new personality, as you all know, and that’s why she’s pretty much been replying relentlessly, at all hours of the night and day, to every negative comment left about her after her Bravo blog, her Elle.com “piece,” and everywhere else. So evolved! Here’s one she’s managed to ignore so far, however, on the Bravo site from someone named Lana, who is clearly not a cat lady. It’s pretty hilarious and wise.

Here is what i want to tell you. You are too much into ‘this is what i am and if you don’t like it …too bad’. There is no room for anybody else around you. Everything has to be pink and girly. And the first date had to be on your terms, no questions asked. You overwhelm with your presence and assumption that you must be liked the way you are. No, you have to allow a man to be himself and not to be ‘you’ and like everything you like. Your ‘pink’ and ‘prom’ staff should be kept just for you. Putting a man to sleep on pink pillows…ouch…no compassion for him to be him. It takes two to tango…and not your way-only. Man do not respond sexually toward woman that does not allow man to express himself. All i saw is you,you,you. You did not make him feel at home with himself. He had to follow your lead and dress the way you wanted him to dress. You would suffocate if someone would do it to you. As if you put a man on a leash and want him to follow your need to be you. Be you by stepping into the man world with respect to his world as well. Don’t overwhelm the conversation, the touching, and the affection. Speak you mind and hope it resonates with man. Make a study of a man you are with to see what makes him be at ease with you. Making man feel at ease with you is the secret. Attract him without clinging onto him. I did not hear him saying much on his own terms. You filled the space with yourself.

p.s. I like to imagine that those are the facial expressions Donk would make if Lana said this to her in person, that is if Lana was allowed to finish a sentence. Lana must not have children or be married to a surgeon, by the way; she is clearly a jealous, evil hater, and NO GOOD will come to her!

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97 Responses to Barely Literate Person Makes More Sense Than Donk, Gives Better Advice Than Sea of Grifters

  1. Jelly Roll (formerly newbie) says:

    I imagine Lana to be the screen name of BFrankel’s baby nurse/nanny. (Who wrote that comment after laughing about the show with Bethenny).

  2. Albie Quirky says:

    Man no like pink. Or bray.

    • JFA says:

      LOL. The writing style is making me LOL. But it’s basically true a bunch of what she said. No man is gonna like her the way she is now, for a multitude of reasons, really, where to begin? No man ESPECIALLY is gonna deal with that shit day 1. Trot out the crazy as time goes on, honey, and you already have the ring, because we all know that’s all she wants.

      Anyhoo, as my catty gay former coworker used to say, she’s EXTRA. In like, every way. I think the new boyfriend is good for her. He seems like a complete dullard and too stupid to realize what he’s getting himself into, most likely. This oughta last a few more weeks at least.

    • Queen Neferteeri says:

      Men like pink — if it’s done properly and not crammed down their throats. My guy friends (and catfriend) compliment me when I wear some of my pink clothes. Then again, my clothes are either casual pull-over tops with jeans, or dresses without frills and ruffles and that other insane kinderwhore crap.

      • Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

        I have a 1950s-era vintage pink negligee with a sheer, underwire brassiere sewn in. But I wear it once in a blue moon, and in the privacy of our various boning chambers. I almost didn’t buy it because it was pink. And there is no other pink in my closet, drawers or my home!!! If I was always in pink and my bedroom was all pink and I had fucking teddy bears on my living room bookshelves, my man would have fled in terror years ago.

        • Queen Neferteeri says:

          That negligee sounds gorgeous!

          My apartment is almost entirely black and white. My clothes are in a variety of colors — mostly bright, warm shades that flatter me, as well as the usual NY uniform of black. No headbands or ridiculous bows or fugly shoes. That’s probably why I can get away with the pink that I do sometimes wear.

        • Princess WideStance says:

          You said “various boning chambers.”

        • Donkarena says:

          Ooooh…nice….that sounds very Lauren Bacall….grown up cocktails in short tumblers….ice buckets…cigarettes….

      • Andy Wintour hacks (up a furball) says:

        Men like pink as long as you slay it!…in the elbows.

        [img]http://i49.tinypic.com/2d2g2ub.png[/img]

  3. Tremendous Liar; Donkey Repugnant says:

    It’s not her pink pillows themselves that would turn me off, but her conviction that a color and a high school event are profound and crucial elements of her personality. She’s so shallow that Rutherford could have used her instead of the gold foil.

    • JFA says:

      Yeah and it would be fine if she’d just settle for stupid Halo-reading dude (if he’d even have her, which I doubt)…what’s atrocious is she thinks she deserves someone with taste and brains. Honey, someone with taste and brains probably didn’t like prom the first time, 20 years ago. Sit down.

      • Jack the Bulldog says:

        Yes! People with taste and brains didn’t go to prom, and if they did, they don’t remember doing so and could give two shits about some one night high school event. The idiots who adored prom peaked at age 17, never left their home towns and are now chained to their Speed Queens and/or are selling used cars to their former high school cheerleading coach.

        • cola champagne says:

          [img]http://gifsoup.com/view1/2131681/romy-and-michelle-o.gif[/img]

        • JFA says:

          My friends and I were the “alternative” kids (this was the mid 90s shut up) and we went on a lark…sorta didn’t care, didn’t make a big deal of it, and didn’t turn it into the “GREATEST WEEKEND OF OUR LIVES OMG” like all the idiots we went to hs with. We showed up, it was kinda lame, we got drunk after, and we went home. Like normal fucking people. Also I wore Betsey Johnson because that’s when she was cool, in 1996.

        • JFA says:

          Also yes, the ones who thought it was cool were the kids who thought they were cool then because hs was their peak. The ones who stole your spot in the parking lot because they ruled hs…the ones who went on to community college and now already have 3 kids and write barely legible pro-Republican rants on FB, who I then defriend. Really…not the people she thinks she deserves to be dating.

    • afghani says:

      The Rutherford comment… awesome. Way to “slay it”!

  4. How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

    You filled the space with yourself.

    Uhm, HELLO! It’s cuz she was INSIDE, m’kay???
    (This is NOT the purpose for which you were bought, fan in the ‘stan Twitter follower!)

  5. Malformed Face says:

    She ha never been able to day someone without braying about it. So either he’s on the down low with her b/c he’s embarrassed that he’s dating a Donkey however, he sees an opportunity to get on TV if there’s a Season Two so he’s hanging in there. The other scenario is he’s not taking her on dream dates, buying her gifts, he’s not that OMGfacinating, but she is desperate to announce at the end of this shit show that she has a BF so she can say all her haters are wrong!

  6. Dr. Gary says:

    What did Julie do to piss off Christine Kelly? She sounds more and more like a cat lady every day. I especially like the link to Toys R Us, since you can buy iHome speakers at Target, Amazon, Walmart, etc:

    [img]http://img805.imageshack.us/img805/4136/jafb8212.jpg[/img]

  7. Donkarena says:

    “He had to follow your lead” made me think of a moment in the awful prom date when he said “let’s have a drink first” in that dive bar with a dance floor — and she immediately dismissed it and slapped it down. Guess he thought it was a date and not him just being a bit player in “The Julia Show”. (Editor’s Note: Writer of this post is not married to a Surgeon)

    • Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

      Love the end of this comment.

    • idiotbox says:

      The editor’s note nearly killed my. I am in tears.

    • Can-Swiss says:

      Donkerena, how many children do you have? Are you in the North-East, or North by North East? Also, do you spend most of your nights out with friends, or not?

      I feel full disclosure is a good thing.

  8. Handbag Cohen Stuffed With Hair says:

    I have never been as uncomfortable with a word as I now am with the word ‘man.’

    • Albie Quirky says:

      Man, oh man. Tarzan approve this write style. It manly. Man like.

    • Princess WideStance says:

      But you must make sure man is satisfied. And comfortable.

    • A Donkey is an Ass says:

      Man no like donkey.

    • Sacred Scrapbooks says:

      Changing ‘man’ to ‘Sir’ clarifies the writing considerably.

    • mcakez says:

      A long time ago, when I had a dating profile on OKC, this guy sent me a message that produced many laughs for me and my friends. I had it saved on my old computer, but alas I don’t have it on this one.

      Among other things, he kept going on about how he is a “MAN” (caps and quotes his own) and as a MAN he has the right to TAKE CHARGE and be the STRONG one. “I am a MAN. I will NOT apologize for being a MAN. As such, I will like and say what ever I feel, and you as a woman should ENJOY that.” So on and so forth. For months my friends and I went around saying “I AM A MAN!” really emphatically, any time dating/the battle of the sexes came up.

      Another choice quote from him: “I LIKE YOUR FACILE FEATURES.”

      Good to know, man.

  9. Donkarena says:

    I just don’t believe she has a new boyfriend. Well, in the earthly, human-centric definition anyway…

  10. EyeRoller says:

    I just blew a love-soaked kiss into the air after reading Barely Literate’s sagely words. Like Jacy said, the writer doesn’t even come off as a cat lady and she still let loose some 3rd degree Donkburnin’ flames. The platinum nugget I plucked out of it was that Donk’s behavior of “gosh darn everybody who tries to stop me from living my dreams and being happy because I’m perfect just the way I am” doesn’t really work when you’re considering what a real live human man person might actually tolerate for more than one blowjob.

    Apparently, even this woman knows that Donk has a trunk of sock puppets under her bed each named after a different ex-boyfriend.

  11. Casa Del Sweden Is A City, Whatever, It's Miss Cast says:

    Sounds like one of Russian Girl’s relatives….

  12. Frankly Unproductive says:

    Paging Russian Girl! I come here for the commentary, but I stay for Russian Girl.

  13. Blinking.S.O.S.at.the.Camera says:

    JellyD on date one with The Real Julia™ summed it up fairly succinctly [paraphrasing]: “I’ve sacrificed my dignity and now I have to be uncomfortable too?”

    • cola champagne says:

      Dude dresses up like a donut and films himself. In that respect, I don’t agree with his fake discomfort. He’s no stranger to an audience and a costume.

  14. i may or may not have blown jellyd says:

    Those aren’t facial expressions, they’re her mouth warm-ups before she goes into blow job mode….

  15. BLB says:

    That gif…dude.

    • LEFOOLIEH says:

      EXCUSE YOU, she’s doing her Zooey (and failing).

      • A Donkey is an Ass says:

        It looks like she’s having a stroke. Or perhaps this was the first time a dude agreed to let her blow him.

        • LEFOOLIEH says:

          No, no, the blowing is always allowed. It’s the sex and the cuddling/actual intimacy that more “I’ll pass, but thanks for the offer.” Those require effort on the part of the guy and well… yeah, no. Pretty sure JellyD was the one who decided to sleep on the couch, I JUST SAY #russiangirl.

    • Meow Mix says:

      When I first saw it, I thought it was a bunch of moments from the video cut and pasted together. Nope, she does that whole twitchy thing all at once!

  16. EyeRoller says:

    I was struck by the epiphany that dearly departed and recently haloed Nora Ephron is truly the only one who’s escaped this mess, leaving the rest of here to deal with taxes, the dangers of impending arctic blasts, and one big Dumbass. But I’m going to be a strong cat lady tonight and not give in to the Donk Side, because I do find a scant amount of comfort in the fact that if heaven even has the slightest chance of existing, then Nora’s gotta be there queefing out golf claps with her wings and simultaneously shaking her head and laughing her ass off right now, all at Donk and her oversized, repurposed brooches.

    Meanwhile, I could dress up like Julianne Moore in Far From Heaven (I wish.) and go on a heavy routine of straight dolls and Jack (dual meaning: barbies and ex-boyfriends OR valium and Tennessee whiskey, take your pick), all while reading the entire Gloria Steinem anthology upside down with triple pelts over my eyes while skydiving 24 hours a day over Hawaii and still, that writer’s words make more sense than the cumulatively exposed equation of Donk’s life, where it’s always long division and there’s ALWAYS an odd remainder.

  17. Благодарю. Хороший блог с ценным контентом!

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