Feel Free To Scrutinize Endlessly: Julia Allison’s 73-Point Checklist

Your homework is to determine how many of these requirements Julia, herself, fails to meet.

1. Loves me unconditionally
2. Kind / thoughtful / sweet / doting
3. Brilliant
4. Intellectual curiosity
5. Well-read / loves reading / reads The Atlantic, Fast Company, WIRED
6. Fascinating
7. Creative
8. Fantastic conversationalist
9. Can talk with him for hours and not run out of things to say
10. Handsome / tall / great body / will age well / full head of hair
11. Morally sound / honest / ethical
12. Dependable
13. Strong & consistent emotionally
14. Faithful / loyal
15. Good family values
16. Adventurous
17. Fun!
18. Hilarious / makes me laugh
19. Understands me
20. Great school / well-educated
21. Fantastic, close-knit, smart friends
22. Ambitious
23. Entrepreneurial
24. Generous
25. Financially responsible
26. Wonderful family / intact parental marriage
27. Chemistry (physical, intellectual, and emotional)
28. Wants to live in a warm climate (preferably Palo Alto)
29. Makes me feel secure and loved
30. Supports me emotionally
31. Chivalrous / impeccable manners
32. Preppy dresser
33. Enjoys playing tennis, horseback riding, skiing, biking
34. Would make a great dad and wants to have kids (would have beautiful, smart kids with me!)
35. Beautiful writer and speaker
36. Writes love letters
37. Well-traveled / wants to travel with me (in style!)
38. Spiritual / believes in God / has strong faith
39. Does good for others
40. Brings out the best in me / makes me a better person
41. A true teammate and partner
42. Has a close knit, fun, intelligent, interesting family who loves me
43. Is within five years of my age
44. Loves learning
45. Romantic
46. Always makes me feel special
47. Pushes me to be my best self
48. Can play piano or guitar brilliantly (or sing)
49. Healthy
50. Temperate and not into excessive drinking or irresponsible drug use
51. Teaches me interesting things every day
52. Inspiring
53. Respectful
54. Worldly
55. Is ready to get married in the next two years
56. Has a beautiful home / great eye for design
57. Owns a fast, sexy car
58. Confident
59. Talented lover
60. Balanced — values his work, friends, and hobbies (but I am top priority!)
61. Connected
62. Well-liked / beloved
63. Loves animals — especially Lilly!
64. 75% homebody, 25% enjoys swanky events
65. Politically liberal / socially liberal
66. Great photographer / likes taking photos
67. Loves a good costume party!
68. Joie de vivre
69. First marriage (never been married or engaged before)
70. Perceptive
71. Will support me in whatever I want to do
72. A good friend
73. Dreams big — and makes those dreams a reality

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492 Responses to Feel Free To Scrutinize Endlessly: Julia Allison’s 73-Point Checklist

  1. iblow4shoes says:

    63. Loves animals — especially Lilly! = I need a place to dump Lilly off when I go on meaningless trips.

    • One Fat Melman says:

      I’m sure she meant it at the time!

      By my estimation, Julia only meet FOUR of the checklist items:
      1. Loves me unconditionally (Well, she does appear to love HERSELF)
      5. Reads The Atlantic, Wired, etc. (I’m sure she skimmed the issue that she was featured on)
      9. Can talk for hours (Sure can!)
      26. Comes from a good family (Hers seems okay considering Britt…)

      Dying at “43. Is withing 5 years of my age” – SHE doesn’t even look within 5 years of her age! Also, “69. Has never been married or engaged before” – Ummm, is she forgetting her own engagement and subsequent affair with a married man? Just saying.

  2. iblow4shoes says:

    66. Great photographer / likes taking photos = of meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!

  3. Finally Delurking says:

    Perceptive is by far the most hilarious thing on here. She has got to be kidding.

    Unrelated – why does everybody hate on the balds? I love a good shaved head on a dude (given he has the good grace to shave it) – is that not a thing?

    • rankles the jankles says:

      I am with you on this.

    • Albie Quirky says:

      Grass doesn’t grow on a busy street.

      Julie wants a guy with hair because Pettifogger has hair. More hair than wit, as Jane Austen would say, but.

    • Downward Spiral Donk (formerly) Cocoloco says:

      Jason Statham the hottest man on the planet. Le Donk has proven the only taste she possesses is in her huge cartoon like mouth.

    • SilverBulletViBRAYtor says:

      Patrick. Freaking. STEWART.

    • Fameless Shamewhore says:

      Can I add Mark Strong to this list? Best villain ever. Here’s his hair story (from an interview in the Telegraph):

      “Sinec then (Our Friends in the North) he’s seldom been unemployed – although there was a brief hiccup in his mid-twenties when his hair fell out leaving him feeling depressed and, for a time, uncharacteristically self-conscious.

      ‘Certainly, there was a moment when I thought my life was effectively over. I couldn’t believe that I was going to have to walk round for evermore without any hair on my head. But then, very quickly, I got used to it and found that it was actually quite useful because you could use it for character. Villains in particular…’

      • Tremendous Liar; Donkey Repugnant says:

        Similarly, I read an interview with Patrick Stewart in which he said that his hair loss was easily visible by his late teens.

      • Finally Delurking says:

        Yes, yes you totally can add Mark Strong to this list. Beyond his sweet villainy, anybody who ever played Mr. Knightley has my seal of approval.

        Glad to have some backup here. Y’all have come up with some excellent examples.

      • Aspen>Tulips says:

        You can and you shall! Mark Strong is super hot. I drool so much when he’s on screen that my huscat tries to point out a snaggly tooth or something.

  4. ineffably protracted cankle says:

    this makes my brain hurt.

  5. Dr. Gary says:

    If she wasn’t so lazy and had a good work ethic, she could probably turn this stupid list into a book deal.

  6. Nickelodeon Chic says:

    60. Balanced — values his work, friends, and hobbies (but I am top priority!)

    *eyeroll*

    • KrakenSkulls says:

      Balanced, yet..
      64. 75% homebody, 25% enjoys swanky events

    • Jack the Bulldog says:

      She doesn’t want an equal, a partner, but rather some phantom male who will put her up on a pedestal and make excuses for every shitty thing she does. Just like Dad$er has been doing all these years.

      • Malformed Face (Like a Bloated Deli Ham Left in a Hot Mercedes C Class) says:

        BINGO!!!! This is why she has an obsession with unconditional love. TRANSBRAYTION: I CAN KEEP BEING A CUNT RAG AND YOU WILL CLEAN UP MY MESSES AND STIL LOVE MEMEMEMEMEMEME!

  7. IF this dude does exist, why on earth would he settle for Julia Allison?

    • Malformed Face (Like a Bloated Deli Ham Left in a Hot Mercedes C Class) says:

      Exactly! If a dude with 1/2… 1/3 of these qualities existed?????

      She is so bat shit. Who taught her she needs to bring ZERO to the table and that is acceptable?

    • Jack the Bulldog says:

      Ding! Ding! Ding! I think we have a winner. Why would anyone who is well educated and with a decent value system and strong morals settle for lying, grifting vulgarian who’s idea of high culture is a Tony Robbins seminar? It is to laugh!

    • Tremendous Liar; Donkey Repugnant says:

      74. Very low self-esteem. Undervalued himself so much that he thinks he needs to marry a selfish, unloveable, boring, shallow hosebeast.

      • Downward Spiral Donk (formerly) Cocoloco says:

        two snaps and a swish!

      • One Fat Melman says:

        75. Is a time-traveling factory worker from the 1800s – has no concept of technology and suffers from permanent hearing loss.

      • Donkeycam Now! says:

        76: Sexually insecure: a guy that would anything for a half-assed handy-J.

      • JuLIAR Allison says:

        Ha! Yes to all of these.

      • alessa says:

        I have to say… and I have mostly been lurking… but I’ve been recovering from surgery the past few days (not the the Julia kind, the necessary type) and this glorious site has gotten me to laugh hysterically, for hours on end through the pain (the pain killers are also quite fun too). Thank you, all.

        With that said– I just googled “hosebeast” and lost it. I love you all. That is all.

  8. monster (Single and Mingle) says:

    All we need to say about this list is that #1 is ‘Love me unconditionally’ – proceeded by 72 conditions for her own love.

    • RachelD says:

      You said it best. Let’s hope she meant it when she said the list was based more on what she thinks society expects.

      The sad thing is, you know she hopes some perfect guy will see this and tell her she should ignore what everyone says, that having “standards” is important. She really thinks there’s some dude out there who would actually nod his head when reading this list. The fact that she believes this is what is stopping her from just being happy with a normal person.

    • Dyspeptic says:

      the cray in a nutshell. Do as I say, not as I do.

    • Tremendous Liar; Donkey Repugnant says:

      Well put. And all 72 of those preconditions make explicit her uninformed image of a hot young tech founder.

      Hint for Donkey: you might hit your target demographic more squarely if you mention Stack Overflow rather than Wired and Fast Company. Also, it’s freaking hilarious that you think reading two middlebrow magazines is synonymous with being well-read.

      • Tremendous Liar; Donkey Repugnant says:

        Make that three magazines. Everyone knows that a little McArdle now and then guarantees that you’re ineffably well-read.

  9. ShesJustStupid says:

    God, she’s repulsive. “Has a family who loves me!”

    Also, this old chestnut:

    26. Wonderful family / intact parental marriage

    • Downward Spiral Donk (formerly) Cocoloco says:

      I didn’t think she was self aware enough to know that last family didn’t love or like her.

      • sausage curls/fingers says:

        that’s what makes me think they had words with her and outright let her know she wasn’t wanted anymore. She could never catch on otherwise.

      • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

        But Prom King’s parents also hated her from the get-go, right? She crashed their little meet-up in a bar when they were gathered for a wedding, & she didn’t get invited to the next stop? (probably they were mortified by a tiara-wearing, pearl-clutching, tutu-pulling, braying asshat, but then again, who isn’t?)

        • Downward Spiral Donk (formerly) Cocoloco says:

          She is unlovable. Crashing a wedding with the sole purpose of upstaging the bride is always a winner! And for the finale did she lick the bride’s cake?

    • JFA says:

      Yeah I love this. Because it’s the children of divorced parents’ fault when their parents don’t make it.

      Hey, Julia Allison, I would like to take this opportunity on behalf of adult children of divorced parents to say, SERIOUSLY GO FUCK YOURSELF, YOU DUMB WHORE.

      Oh, also? You will never, ever find a boyfriend, let alone husband, who even APPROXIMATES the ken doll you envision when you think of this list. Take care!

      • JFA says:

        Oh I’ll also say fuck you on behalf of divorcees as well.

        I seriously can’t.

      • LetItExplode says:

        Yeah. Nothing pisses me off more than people who are like “yeah. i won’t date someone with divorced parents.” Um, what? Then you eliminate half the population, Donkey. My dad was a womanizing alcoholic who completely abandoned his family, therefore I am an undesirable.

        On the plus side, I’m glad Julia won’t date me.

        • New Hater says:

          Not to mention some people stay married when they shouldn’t.

          and gee, I wonder what she thinks about foster kids or people who were raised by other family members?

          • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

            D0nkey just doesn’t want to take any chances that in-law’s wills might be disbursed to spouse #2 & kids of family #2, ya know?

            MATH IS HARD!

            It occurs to me now how all exes of Julia Allison can get rid of her stalkery ass once & for all … tell her that his list of only one item is this:

            IRONCLAD PRENUP

          • Running Errands at My Desk says:

            Not to mention people whose parents have passed. My wonderful bf unfortunately lost his parents at a young age — and by the way (thankfully!) does not meet many of the 73 criteria; nor do I. I read EW and Bon Appetit and he reads New York Mag and Wine Spectatot. Oh my, we must break up immediately ;)

            Even if it’s clear that, to some extent, Julia uses the List(TM) to add to the “drama” and fit her manufactured persona for the show, she is still so so clueless about what makes a happy adult relationship…. *sigh*

            To be honest, any guy who even just meets half of the 73 criteria sounds like a douchy, arrogant jerk.

      • Tremendous Liar; Donkey Repugnant says:

        “it’s the children of divorced parents’ fault when their parents don’t make it”

        I’m sure that belief will come in handy if Donkey somehow manages to get married and have burritos, because there’s a 115% chance that divorce will be the next landmark, and of course it’s inconceivable that Julia could have caused such a thing.

    • sausage curls/fingers says:

      She needs that full set of parents because she sees a relationship as a way to wrangle at least 3 separate people into adoring her.

    • Tribune Slingbacks says:

      My current catfriend and I were both super psyched to learn that we both come from broken homes.

  10. Albie Quirky says:

    My huscat meets all of those criteria except for being religious, wanting children (which I didn’t want, either, so it was perfect), and costume parties (which I also hate). Oh, and having a full head of hair.

    My checklist was “be smart, have integrity, be funny, be sexy to me” and that was it.

    As ever, she is Doing It Wrong.

    • Albie Quirky says:

      So here’s another thing. I fell in love with my in-laws, and they seemed to dig me right back. And so when my mother-in-law was doing chemo, I went out and stayed with them for six weeks to help out, because I was the only one who was self-employed and could rearrange my schedule to be there. No big, that’s what you do for family.

      If Julie does manage to roofie some dude from a loving family into marriage, they will undoubtedly be beyond appalled at her constant failure to step up and act like a decent human being. People from a functional family would lose their shit at the nonsense the Baughers put up with, from the NGMB creepy public deathwatch to the skipping Granddad’s funeral for Comic-Con.

      Even little things like Easter Kinderwhore would be a big deal among normal people.

    • JFA says:

      Yeah it struck me how many of these my boyfriend fulfills. Not stupid ones like “fast car” or whatever because I don’t now nor have I ever cared about material things in a boyfriend. But I got these things by not DEMANDING them. I basically was looking for someone I was attracted to, who is my style and is creative and smart and nice. The end. It took a lot of hard work on myself…making the same mistakes over and over with guys…and eventually I just lucked out and found who I hope is the one. But this will NEVER HAPPEN TO HER because she honestly just does not deserve it and is not a good person. My man sticks around/stuck around even in my worst moments when I was being a total nightmare. Because he knows I am decent and kind at heart. She will NEVER GET THERE because she is neither of these things. It’s so great actually. Every time she gets close, when they see her true colors they go fleeing into the night. Yet she NEVER CHANGES. It’s pathological.

      • Albie Quirky says:

        Yay, I am so glad you are having joy with your boyfriend. Hooray for love.

      • Downward Spiral Donk (formerly) Cocoloco says:

        But these things came about naturally for you both. You didn’t present him with a laminated “list” using an obnoxious hot pick lipstick rate him….or did you?

      • Who do you think you are? says:

        I hope Donkey knows that this is not a one-way street, that men have expectations around their ideal partner, too.

        I’ve dated quite a view men who’d check off these character-based boxes and yet those relationships didn’t work out. They didn’t work out because we didn’t click, or the timing was wrong, or I was a little needy and wanted the relationship to move faster than he did. Each of these things was a learning experience and I (1) (sometimes grudgingly) took ownership over the pieces that were my own fault; and (2) accepted that sometimes things just don’t work out no matter how much you want them to.

        What Donkey should really be focusing on, instead of playing dress-up and melting her face, is how she can be a better, more fascinating person in the world through small, selfless acts and introspection. Stop treating life as a stage and become the observer and the listener.

    • juliaspublicist cried his rhinestone off juliaspublicist says:

      My checklist was:

      1. Be able to take my gigantic dick without screaming like a little bitch.

      2. Love The Golden Girls.

      • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

        My little asshole just winced in gay sympathy.

      • RollsRoyceRevenge says:

        So how was life with Bea Arthur?

        • juliaspublicist cried his rhinestone off juliaspublicist says:

          I met Bea Arthur once. A fantastic drunk is all I can say. Simply fantastic.

          • Dr. Gary says:

            I once spent some time alone with Charlotte Rae aka Mrs. Garrett in the green room at a fundraiser. She got drunk and started talking smack about the other celebrity guests. Rita Moreno kept trying to hog the mirror and Charlotte lost her shit.

  11. KrakenSkulls says:

    I think she wants a gay dude. 73 items and nothing about dick size or oral sex? She doesn’t want a husband, she just wants her dad to keep taking care of her.

  12. Princess WideStance says:

    Gawd. This is all about her. (Surprise!) She wants someone who makes her look good, who doesn’t bring out her inner ragebeast, who will make everyone jealous of her, who is rich and will spoil her, and indulge every little whim.

    She doesn’t want anyone who will challenge her.

    Guess what, cunt? The upstanding ivy-league hunk you dream of has a backbone and wants a strong, intelligent woman. He’s NOT the same guy who will dress up in the stupid costumes you create for him and spoil his pretty pink princess.

    Seriously, this is something a 14-year-old would daydream about. You horrific donkeycunt.

  13. Albie Quirky says:

    So I think the only ones Julie fits are 28, 33, and 67.

  14. KrakenSkulls says:

    Where is this picture from? It’s hilariously bad. You’d think she would refrain from being photographed with another donkey.

    • Dr. Gary says:

      For fuck’s sake, STOP TALKING ABOUT JACK MCCAIN:

      “Andrew and I had just gone on a rather epic first date involving tulle and tiaras and tuxedos (all the things that make life great), and two things happened: A) he didn’t run away screaming and B) he actually kissed me. A revelation! My god, we’re six episodes in and this is my first kiss. It’s like I’m 14 again. Geez.

      Except, to be honest, I still choked at the end and asked insistently if he would call me (slaps self). Baby steps, people. Baby steps.

      He did call, many times. He called and he emailed and he texted, and I called and emailed and texted right back. When we saw each other again after that, it was sweet and rather magical, and certainly the most connected I’ve felt to anyone since my ex, Jack.”

      • Downward Spiral Donk (formerly) Cocoloco says:

        Wow she so wants to be on a government “watch list”

      • Dr. Gary says:

        “a few words about my sweetheart of an ex, Taylor…blah, blah, blah…

        He met my last boyfriend, Jack, in Tahoe for my 30th birthday and wasn’t the biggest fan, to be honest. Not because he was jealous — there isn’t any of that, I promise you — just because he didn’t see it being a good fit, and he wanted/wants me to be happy.”

        • JFA says:

          HOw teh fuck would he even know if they wer a good matcdh meeting the dude for an hour at a party??? That is the stupidest bullshit ever. Most guys have their heads so far up their asses they dont’ notice shit like that on a good day. And I’m going to take a wild guess he doesn’t care much anyway. I mean, seriously. I’m sure Taylor was just OH SO CONCERNED that Jack wasn’t a good fit. That would be the weirdest thing anyway for a supposed “best friend” to say while you are dating someone. I give up.

      • Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

        She is seriously such a cunt. She just said on national TV that she was talking about him MONTHS ago, filming was MONTHS ago, and then today, she’s fucking at it again, completely nullifying that excuse. God I wish Megatits would shank this bitch.

        • JFA says:

          If I were the new fiance I would welcome the opportunity to blast her, at least privately. I’m sure teh chick is severely discouraged from doing so per McCain instructions etc., but…I would have a really hard time resisting, myself. I wonder if Jack himself ever told her to cut the shit already.

          • Downward Spiral Donk (formerly) Cocoloco says:

            That’d be giving her what she wants is for him to contact her. McMegs fired a warning shot on WWHL. Not kidding the next firing is going to sting her she and in about one week she will never utter his name or refer to him again.

          • helobabe says:

            This fiancee must be one classy lady because if I were her I’d be all over submitting anonymous comments here. I give her a lot of credit for not putting JA on blast while I’m simultaneously sad that we don’t get the intel :-(.

          • newbie (picking a name: think I'll go with Long Island University ;) says:

            Ag-REED! If my husband’s ex has been doing this when we were engaged I would never have been able to hold my tongue this long. The new girl must be a very impressive woman, indeed.

        • Malformed Face (Like a Bloated Deli Ham Left in a Hot Mercedes C Class) says:

          Her jealousy and rage that Jack McCain has moved on, is madly in love, planning a wedding and could give two shits about her is SO TRANSPARENT.

          She is upping the anti in calling him out – first in a song implying it was his politics and now here, saying even her friends didn’t care for him

          She is such a petty BITCH.

          • Badonkeydonk says:

            But wait, I am so confused by all of this hostility towards A Donkey because didn’t you hear her say on WWHN that she has definitely changed??

        • Downward Spiral Donk (formerly) Cocoloco says:

          That’s why I think they’ll release an engagement picture soon. (only after Stalkerella gets a stern talking to/threatened). It’ll be fun to throw rice (I mean salt)!

      • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

        My god, we’re six episodes in and this is my first kiss.

        That was the FIFTH episode, D0nkey.

        Taylor, who lives up in (where else?) Palo Alto — or at least he did at the time (he now lives in SF). […] Taylor decided to fly down from SF to … meet Andrew at the very first dinner party …

        Greasy lived in Palo Alto at the time but flew in from SF?

        Shitty Writer D0nkey is a shitty writer.

        • Lilly Liberation Front says:

          And WHO THE FUCK CARES about these minute details? She thinks anyone cares where Greasy used to live? Currently lives? GOD. I just kant.

  15. Downward Spiral Donk (formerly) Cocoloco says:

    74. Must have health insurance that cover my long overdue therapist visits

    • Downward Spiral Donk (formerly) Cocoloco says:

      11. Morally sound / honest / ethical
      C’mon you know she got hives when she typed this.

      • pearipathetic donkey says:

        Doesn’t she know that this combined with being perceptive would make him drop her so fast?

        • Downward Spiral Donk (formerly) Cocoloco says:

          She honestly needs to hand this list to a qualified medical professional (not Tony Robbins). Her parents have got to be freaked out, the Casey Anthony incident should serve as a wake up call them. It’s only a matter of time before Daddy is getting her out of jail and wishes he was writing cease and d esist letters. She is spiraling.

        • Albie Quirky says:

          She needs a “While You Were Sleeping” situation, because the only guy with those qualities who wouldn’t run like the wind would have to be in a coma.

  16. JFA says:

    I got to 3 and I almost spit out my falafel. Brilliant LOL!!!!!!!!1 OMG. THe delusion. Also it’s not just 73 – jesus christ a lot of these individual numbers are multiple qualities. I fucking CANNOT.

    Good job Momsers and Dadsers. Christ, what a nightmare she is.

    • JFA says:

      He can’t be merely “very smart.” He must be “brilliant.” Because she herself obviously is, right? She deserves someone “Brilliant.” Also good school of course because she went to the best school Dadsers could buy her into and GODDAMNIT HER FUTURE HUSBAND MUST HAVE AS WELL. IVY LEAGUE OR BUST.

      • sausage curls/fingers says:

        The whole thing is like a thesaurus. He must be “fascinating” like he’s a particularly good museum exhibit. AND worldly. AND well educated. Fuck, why isn’t just smart enough?

        • JFA says:

          It’s so artificial. The whole fucking thing. She’s so tone deaf to anything resembling normal.

      • Belle says:

        That’s what I thought! And how is going to a great school and being well-educated the same thing? Just because he finished Harvard doesn’t mean he learned anything. God forbid he went to some unknown school but is brilliant, you can’t possibly be well-educated if you missed out on the Ivy League experience.

  17. Dyspeptic says:

    This list is painfully redundant. Donkey, as always, needs an editor.

  18. Dr. Gary says:

    My checklist:

    #1. Have a job.

    #2. Don’t live with your mom.

    #3. Have a driver’s license. That’s VALID.

    #4. Have a bank account.

    #5. Never been in prison.

  19. JuliaViewerEmails says:

    Seems tome if she cannot follow 1 love herself unconditionally than its guaranteed that she will fail all the rest of the 72 rules.

    That is the whole crux of the Julia problem, she does not love herself at all..

  20. Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

    OH GOD.

    Her Bravo post is finally up, and she is creaming all over poor, poor JellyD, who has yet to acknowledge her on Twitter. So embarrassed for him.

    http://www.bravotv.com/miss-advised/season-1/blogs/julia-allison/dinner-date

    • monster (Single and Mingle) says:

      HALF of that blog post is written by Julia Price!

      • Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

        She must have been freaking out about it all day and couldn’t figure out a way to spin the mental breakdown on the condo floor when he showed up. So she pleaded with Julia Price to fill up the space. What a weaselly fraudulent cuntbucket.

        • Dr. Gary says:

          ‘weaselly fraudulent cuntbucket’

          Would make an excellent user name.

          • newbie (picking a name: think I'll go with Long Island University ;) says:

            also a fabulous name for a band

        • Belle says:

          When I saw that, I was like: “No, you are not on the ground, right now. My God, get up, you look like an oversized dust mop in that tent of a dress. Jezzus woman get the hell up!”

          My 14-yr-old cousin (boy) looked at me during the breakdown and said, “Do all woman your age act like girls my age?” Eff.

      • “Journalists” always get their roommates to write their blog posts for them, right? *slaps forehead*

        Julia, if you’re reading this, please get medicated, join the Mormon church, or just promise to stop “writing” so people with actual talent can have a chance.

        You’ve been sitting on the pot for too long. Don’t shit, just get off.

      • KrakenSkulls says:

        YEAH ITS TOTALLY NOT CONFUSING AT ALL WHEN AN ARTICLE WRITTEN BY A JULIA IS FINISHED BY ANOTHER JULIA.

        My god.. the laziness…

    • ShesJustStupid says:

      “But something that Andrew couldn’t yet see, was that he was the first guy who came around in a long time that made Julia question her checklist. The Checklist wasn’t making her happy anymore. I knew that. She knew that. Our friends knew that. I finished the song feeling more nervous than I had been before my first SXSW performance or any other show for that matter. Did Andrew now know too much?”’

      • Malformed Face (Like a Bloated Deli Ham Left in a Hot Mercedes C Class) says:

        ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

        Are we in repeats? Wasn’t Codename TK the first guy in a long time to make Julia “break all her rules?”

        Okay, then, Donkey.

    • monster (Single and Mingle) says:

      am cowering i am so embarrased for her:

      On Taylor Greason: “He met my last boyfriend, Jack, in Tahoe for my 30th birthday and wasn’t the biggest fan, to be honest. Not because he was jealous — there isn’t any of that, I promise you — just because he didn’t see it being a good fit, and he wanted/wants me to be happy.”

      Why would she write this!?! What is with her revisionist history.

      • JFA says:

        I just…I don’t get why seh thinks anyone cares about her ugly male friend that she dated for five minutes. NO ONE CARES. No one is just at the edge of their seat interested in the intrigue that is your love life. We all have friends. Wow.com.

        • pearipathetic donkey says:

          I think its part of her whole rom com fantasy. She has to keep Greasy in the narrative because he’s the one who was in front of her the whole time. I think she fully expects to marry him. He’s the only one who tolerates her–so to JA she must think its true love.

          • JFA says:

            But does she not see it’s not even remotely interesting? “Oh look here’s my sorta fug ex! We dated for 3 months! NOw we aer great freidns! He accompanies me to weddings! I know!” WHO. FUCKING. CARES.

          • sausage curls/fingers says:

            I really think she believes he’s always had a thing for her! or something and everyone knows it but her!

      • Joardache & the Pelts says:

        Julia really, seriously needs to stop with this Jack stuff. She’s just digging a hole for herself and coming off awfully. I’m no Meghan McCain fan but it seems like she is being quite gracious after being forced to address the aituation on the WWHL and considering how batshit Julia has been. That said, Meghan’s overkill on all her hot republican gay friends isnt very cute.

        • Blinking.SOS.at.the.Camera says:

          Major cunt move (pardon my French). There was no need to mention him at all, there are so many different ways she could have written about the connection with JD without ever referencing: “since my ex, Jack”. Same with the Greasy didn’t like “her last boyfriend, Jack.” Twice now!! A totally unnecessary detail in the narrative!
          Petty little petulant bitch. You’re not the boss of me!
          Interesting in this episode when she is poking Greasy in the arm and admitting that Jack — again!!! and again no need to identify him by name — complained that she “pushed, pushed, pushed” as well.
          (Wonder if Meganaisse’s bruises are fully healed now from the incessant arm poking she took. Mary was at least clever enough to keep some physical distance.)

          • Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

            There was absolutely no need to mention him in either instance. Could have said “one of my ex-boyfriends,” for example.

            CUNTASAURUS

          • Downward Spiral Donk (formerly) Cocoloco says:

            She’s so insecure and worried that no one from the Bravo world would know that she dated him. I would have almost respected her if she let someone else bring it up. That’s what made me immediately dislike her, well that and her court jester wardrobe with her thankles jutting out.

      • mule on rouge says:

        Why mention Tahoe? Or her birthday? She is the Shittiest. Writer. Ever.

        • Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

          She is boasting, that’s why. “Oh yes, darling, when my one Stanford-educated boyfriend met my McCain boyfriend at my party in Tahoe … so fabulous, my life!”

    • JFA says:

      SO BORINGGGGGGGGGGG. It’s hilarious how dull her life is and how amazingly exciting and ineffably hilariously awesome it is. SO MANY ADJECTIVES.

      Also you wouldn’t know a brilliant musican, jackass, if it landed on your eye pelts. High praise indeed coming from someone who’s ipod consists of a bunch of Mariah Carey christmas songs and The Little Mermaid soundtrack. Just sit down.

    • WhatDoesAGirlHaveToDoToGetAKissAroundHere says:

      OK This is stomach churning… she continues to talk about Pancakes (even now, after she defended herself re: Meghy’s comment on WWHL). She continues to tout JellyD like they’re a couple, even after we all witnessed his mug getting slapped in the previews for next week. I

    • Dr. Gary says:

      Jesus. What a lazy thundercunt.

      You’re supposed to write your own blog, idiot. No one at Bravo called her out on this and said ‘NO’?

      • Downward Spiral Donk (formerly) Cocoloco says:

        At Bravo they’re supposed to write thier own blogs, but recently the trend is to have ghost writers (but lie about it)The blogs from th dim witted housewives have recently become more coherent, cohesive and lacking in the grammatical errors usually reserved for second grade 73 point check lists.

  21. 62. Well-liked, beloved, so I can leech off of your popularity when my starts to wane.

  22. diluted brain says:

    So, let me get this straight – she is allowed to have been engaged before but the prospective male is not?

    I just kind of glanced through this list since it’s as boring as her typical writing & articles but it is shocking how off her rocker she is. Her expectations are far too high. Her check list should be more like

    1. He has a pulse.

    Fin.

    • pearipathetic donkey says:

      Yeah, I was surprised at that one. And has she only been engaged once? I know ALL THE BOYS talk marriage with her, but has she actually been engaged several times?

    • RollsRoyceRevenge says:

      This would prevent her from dating Dracula, which would be a step up from some of her past relationships. I mean titled nobility, does not drink…wine, always willing to give a girl a little oral, etc.

  23. cola champagne says:

    38 and 65 don’t really exist. I’m very close to it, but if you meet a man who believes in God and has strong faith, they are usually very conservative. That’s how my boyfriend is. And he’s a spectacular guitarist.

    • iblow4shoes says:

      He could be a Buddhist.

    • Albie Quirky says:

      I am quite devout and a big ol’ anarchist. Our darling Handbag similarly; she’s Quaker. My huscat’s Conservadox relatives are all left-wing Democrats. My parents were Dorothy Day socialist Catholics.

      • cola champagne says:

        I think that’s pretty awesome, actually.

        • Albie Quirky says:

          ;)

          My most devout Catholic friend is a big campaigner for marriage equality, too.

          Agree that there are way too many smugbuckets out there who think Jesus doesn’t want them to pay taxes, though. On the upside for Julie, they would shy away from her based on her clothing choices alone!

          • cola champagne says:

            I used to be on a Catholic social network, and even my uptight ass was seen as too liberal by them.

          • Tremendous Liar; Donkey Repugnant says:

            The Catholic Social Network. Now that would have been quite a different movie. Fewer slutty Asian girls (or perhaps not) and considerably more shame about everything.

          • cola champagne says:

            That could still be a movie!

          • Dr. Gary says:

            @Tremendous Liar; Donkey Repugnant

            ‘The Catholic Social Network’ = I cackled out loud.

    • A-Game Content says:

      Even that checklist point shows how stunted her thinking is and what a terrible writer she is.
      38. Spiritual / believes in God / has strong faith
      ^These don’t all mean the same thing. Someone could believe in God but not have a strong faith. Someone could have a strong faith but not in God, (or rather, the Judeo-Christian God, I guess). Someone could be spiritual and believe in God and have strong faith or not do either.
      Having a shared faith might be important to her, whatever, but if I were in her shoes (thank God I’m not), I’d frame this more as, “Is willing to develop our faith life together.”

  24. Unconditional love should come from your family and your pets, not your mate. Get a friggin clue.

  25. iblow4shoes says:

    30. Supports me emotionally = pays for the intense therapy I’ll be in in a few years.

  26. JFA says:

    “Fascinating” She actually wrote that. “fascinating.” He must be “fascinating.”

    Tool.

  27. Dr. Gary says:

    I want to know when Momsers and Julie are going to do the Big Reveal and finally admit that her entire schtick really was just ‘performance art’ all along. All the years of bray and cray? Not a real thing. Just a ‘persona’ that they created. Because COME ON.

  28. Dr. Fraud, MD says:

    tl;dr:

    Me me my my me me my me my me meeeeee me mememememememe.

  29. Dr. Gary says:

    *whispers*

    Where is Handbag?

    Gurrrrllllll, you have been missed.

    • Albie Quirky says:

      Yes, I hope she is having some marvelous vacation with her adorable family that is keeping her so busy she doesn’t have a second for the Internet but I am still missing her!

      • Albie Quirky says:

        Also missing the ineffable Worrisome Pelts!

      • Handbag Cohen Stuffed With Hair says:

        You two loves! I was on vacation with my family and the family of our closest friends. It was relaxing and glorious, and then we came home and discovered that our animal sitter brought all three dogs in every evening, rather than leaving the border collie outside (he refuses to be anywhere else), so he spent seven evenings peeing with abandon on everything we owned. The bedroom/study/bathroom doors were closed but that left the kitchen, living room, and dining room — all the furniture, bookcases, cabinets, area rugs. My poor husband — who, incidentally, fills at least 70 items of that list but none of that had anything to do with why we’re together — was up at dawn Sunday morning refinishing the floors. I just finished watching this last episode and I was WINCED, winced I tell you. I’m actually clenching my teeth thinking about her rolling around on the floor. Missed all of you!

        • Dr. Gary says:

          Hello, love!

          I’m glad you had a nice vacation. But very sorry you had to come home to that. Yikes.

          We have a problem with our kitty, Steiny, always wanting to be the dominant cat. This means she terrorizes my other kitty, Pete. Pete tries to stick up for herself, but sometimes she’s so traumatized by Steiny’s bad behavior that she pees herself. It is the saddest thing ever.

          We’ve tried everything to get Steiny to stop being such a brat, but nothing has worked. And I feel guilty, since I’m the one who brought Steiny in off the street. She seemed so sweet when I first found her. I had no idea that her ‘sweet kitty’ personality was just an act, and she is really The Cat From Hell.

          tl;dr – our house smells like cat pee sometimes and it is a BITCH to get rid of it.

          • Handbag Cohen Stuffed With Hair says:

            Ugh, cat pee is the worst. And you can NEVER get a cat to listen to reason, if the goal is to terrorize.

          • A-Game Content says:

            So I watch My Cat From Hell, and I think (based purely on watching the show) that Steiny acts out because he lacks self-esteem. According to the show, if you reintroduce them by having them on two sides of a door with a cardboard box fashioned into a gate, they can get used to one another’s smells while still having their own territory. When they are OK with that, start to lift the cardboard and feed them in their territories simultaneously so they positively correlate the other cat’s smell with food. Slowly move the dishes closer to each other over the course of day/weeks. I’ve seen him do this for cats who already were living in the same house and it’s worked… Good luck!! :)

    • Princess WideStance says:

      Sure, you miss her. But do you love her unconditionally? Would you dress up in costumes for her?

      • Blinking.SOS.at.the.Camera says:

        And where is Cuntbunnies!? I’ve been doing my little part but always well aware I work in the ineffable shadow of the true master.

    • bitchface says:

      get a room!

  30. Jungle Area says:

    Julia. You are so psycho.

    It is all about you you you you you. GET SOME HELP.

  31. 11th Wang says:

    So she made a list of 73 things that’s she is incapable of doing herself.

    Julie, out of 73 items, you are ZERO of them!!!

    • Albie Quirky says:

      No, she likes costume parties, wants to live in Palo Alto, and enjoys various athletic activities she’s terrible at. Three out of seventy-three ain’t bad, right?

      • Downward Spiral Donk (formerly) Cocoloco says:

        Why doesn’t she just set up stalk in Palo Alto already? She won’t be confined by the rigorous Bravo filming schedule (there is no way they’ll give it a second season, will they?) and she’ll be free to terrorize an entirely new city.

        • Malformed Face (Like a Bloated Deli Ham Left in a Hot Mercedes C Class) says:

          Yeah, I’m 100% she will bail on LA and set you shoppe there.

        • Skirt Pull says:

          As a two time OMG Stanford alum, I can tell you she will NOT do well in Palo Alto. Too many overachieving, driven, quasi-anorexic girls and no one wears much makeup. In LA she can do the makeup and plastic surgery thing. That doesn’t fly in NorCal.

      • 11th Wang says:

        Not convinced she enjoys athletics. She plays tennis the way she plays piano and guitar. It’s all pretend.

        You’re right about the costume parties and Palo Alto though.

        That leaves us with 71 items to which she cannot relate.

        • Albie Quirky says:

          She enjoys dressing up for those activities.

          Now I am thinking of the horrible ski tram lip dub.

  32. Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

    Honestly, the enormity of her madness is so sweeping, so expansive, so multi-faceted that I am finding it daunting to even try to parse it anymore.

    From the self-obsession to the messing with her face and the Stage Five clinging to dudes who show even the most fleeting interest in her and refusing to let her exes go and Daddy Worship and braying and attention-seeking and all the lying and the scheming and the bullshit and the lack of work ethic and the fame-whoring and the body issues and the disappearing eyes and the laziness and the sense of entitlement and the fucking grifting and the belief in grifters — I almost Kant anymore.

    HER CRAZINESS IS BIGGER THAN ALL OF US.

    • Blinking.SOS.at.the.Camera says:

      Seeing her writhe on the floor when JellyD showed up made me feel literally nauseous; I was just thinking I probably need a bit of DonkeyDetox because I worry I am actually going to have nightmares.
      Hold me.

    • Malformed Face (Like a Bloated Deli Ham Left in a Hot Mercedes C Class) says:

      Her crazy is soooooooo big and no one will put a stop to it. I think that’s what startles me the most. She puts in new fake teeth and she shoots all this plastic in her face, maiming herself. She (allegedly) took some drugs last night was up all night being crazed and then can’t get out of bed. She physically assaults people, she lashes out at people and no one will stop her.

      It’s just nuts.

      Parents: no one is going to take your daughter off your hands if she keeps acting this way. You can’t keep burying your heads in the stand. Geez, get her some help.

    • Joardache & the Pelts says:

      Yeah, I’ve been away from cable and out of the country and what I’m parsing from the good work at the RBD is kinda overwhelming depresso despite the amazing wit and insight here, especially in light of everything else going on in the world. Julia’s madness is unstoppable and it seems like Bravo is actively encouraging her insane, poorbehavior now.

    • One Fat Melman says:

      “Her insanity is…everything.” – Rachel Zoe, probably.

    • Frequent Liar Miles says:

      Even though 10 p.m. is late for this old cat lady, I have gamely managed to watch every episode until the last, when I literally could not continue beyond the point where she brayed that Greasy was “flying in from Stanford.” Oh, the university has its own airfield now? I did not know that. Good Greg, she is such a pretentious twat.

      So thankful to you, Jacy, and JP for the buffer your coverage affords, because I JUST CAN’T the Donkey on screen anymore; it’s way too close for comfort, and she winces me SO BAD.

    • Dyspeptic says:

      Yep, Jacy, what you said: the enormity of her madness overwhelms. It is so much worse than I thought, spread out there on the TV screen in all its gruesome detai. When she dropped, rolled and snort/brayed at the door when Andrew showed up, I was surprised her head didn’t explode like some overripe watermelon. Mine felt like it was going to.
      If I were her parents, I would be so worried. But perhaps they’ve seen so much worse from her that this is nothing. Greg help them, every one.

      • Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

        That was a very chilling moment. So not cute. ONE DATE, for fuck’s sake. ONE DATE!

        Someone should have called 9-11. I think she has a substance abuse problem, too. That was just not anywhere close to sane, normal behavior, nor was her brayfest on WWHL afterwards.

  33. CaptainGary says:

    JP, can I just add how pleased I am that you didn’t split that infinitive in the post title? Ineffably amazeballs!

  34. A Donkey is an Ass says:

    The whole thing is just dripping with scheme juices. She thinks it makes her look quirky and picky, but if (a big if) someone were to overlook her sociopathy (and botox) and actually date her, she would just spin it to make it seem like she had changed.

    “See everyone, I’ve grown as a person. I’m willing to overlook this person’s flaws. I’m not desperate. I’ve changed.”

    I don’t buy it. A list really doesn’t need to be more than two items long. 1) Someone who loves me and treats me well. 2) Someone who I love and treat well.

    Fuck you A Donkey. You’re a fame-whore and a cunt. Everything about you is fake. Who the fuck do you think you are to judge someone whose parents are divorced? Or didn’t go to the right school? Or doesn’t believe in a mythical sky-wizard? (No offense to someone who believes in God)

  35. Malformed Face (Like a Bloated Deli Ham Left in a Hot Mercedes C Class) says:

    OT but can we talk about The Checklist song:

    Donkey has 108,000 followers on Twitter and 76,000 on Facebook and all she can get is a paltry 1,600 to view that video even though she has brayed about it a dozen times?

    Busted donkey is busted. This is what happens when you buy bots to goose your Twitter and FB numbers.

  36. RollsRoyceRevenge says:

    I’m nowhere near as picky myself:

    Loves me unconditionally, no list of ideal qualities involved
    Kind, thoughtful, sweet, doddering
    Ultraviolet
    Curious (intellectually)
    Curious (strange)
    Curious (yellow)
    Fascinated by string theory (will settle for “fascinated by little pieces of string”)
    Can talk or not talk with him for hours
    Handsome donutsover herepal
    Fat (for contrast)
    Strong and consistent emotionally with soft chewy center
    Addams Family Values I love that movie
    Fun!!!!!!!!!!!!!with exclamation marks!!!!!!
    Hilarious/makes me laugh/milk out the nose/panties wet/gasping for breath/painful/can’t…breathe…
    Understands me
    Stands under me
    OMGIVY
    Fantastic, close-knit, smart friends who are also rich, hot and single, or not, as the case may be
    No imaginary six foot talking rabbit this time
    I learned my lesson with that one
    Goes in the potty box like a good boy
    Whistling belly button
    Good at replacing fuses (don’t ask)
    No excessive ear wax
    No hand puppets during sex
    No giggling either
    Knowledge of China a plus
    & photographs self sitting naked on kiddie chair
    Loves to do shitty lip-synchs
    Loves ‘The Wiggles’
    Loves fine aged cheese
    Loves costume parties
    Loves the one you’re with
    Happy feet
    Twinkly nipples
    Stretchy asshole
    Fucking whore
    Apple
    Apple banana bathroom appleseed
    Owns yacht and/or wig
    Pimple on dewlip
    Eyepatch is good
    “Ar…ye be a piiiiiiii-rate.”
    Deluxe mahogany finish
    Tasty weiner
    Spare tire
    Less than 500,000 miles on speedometer
    Free parking
    Wafer thin mint

  37. jc says:

    The fuck? The hypocrisy of this list is astounding, i.e. number 69. Hasn’t she herself been engaged before? As an admitted bulimic, is she “healthy”? Does she own a home, fast car, play guitar? Is she independently wealthy? What exactly is she bringing to the table again? What a selfish, narcissistic loon. Here’s an idea: instead of expecting some rich, impossibly handsome man to pamper your fat, lazy ass, how about you teach ALL THE GIRLS to cultivate their own interests, hobbies, careers and friendships? It’s amazing how far feminism has regressed that this shit is considered even remotely acceptable. It’s especially sad given Sally Ride’s death this week. Now THAT was a kick-ass, amazing woman who truly inspired a generation of little girls to dream big.

    • Tremendous Liar; Donkey Repugnant says:

      Feminist Donkey sez: “It’s different for guys!!! It’s just natural for guys to be ineffably more accomplished than their significant others!!!!!”

      Ed note: If applied to homosexual male couples, the previous sentence results in what mathematicians and physicists (all men, as nature requires) call a “singularity”.

  38. JFA says:

    What you said. .

  39. 74. Someone who can tie up a straitjacket with ease and dip my donkey pills in (gluten free) peanut butter so they go down easier.

  40. Extremely Large Size Medium says:

    My huscat meets sixty-some requirements of her 73. You can’t have him, Donk and you couldn’t make him love you anyway)! It seems like a waste now that I didn’t have a checklist when I met him. Instead I was looking to check off all of two requirements when I met him: 1) Fun to spend time with and 2) Fun to have sex with. The whole getting-married-and-having-kittens thing kind of surprised us both.

    I hear it helps the relationship if you don’t reek of desperation and/or wear tiaras.

    • cola champagne says:

      The tiara was definitely her way of hiding. This morning, I was watching the WWHL and my mom said something to the effect that the dress was something from her time. She liked it. Then I pointed out the tiara and she was like, Oh, she’s on tv though, and I was just like sadly, that’s not the only time she wears them.

      • Blinking.S.O.S.at.the.Camera says:

        Yes! There’s always a gimmick or a prop with this one, which speaks directly to her frustrating combination of insecurity and conceit, both avoidance/deflection symptoms masking what Jacy best described as no there there.
        It seems to be a result of her sense of entitlement combined with laziness, i.e. self induced and nothing that some real hard work and a dose of reality, off line and out of the spotlight couldnt cure. In other words, the enablers have to step away and we have to shut down the internet. So …. ya. Love the Real Julia™ or dont but certainly abandom hope that she’ll wise up.

  41. Tremendous Liar; Donkey Repugnant says:

    So how did Bravo get her to release this list? From her past behavior, it seems she wasn’t over-keen on releasing the unredacted list (pun intended, because every item on the list screams [REDACTED]).

    • Lilly Liberation Front says:

      I hadn’t thought about that, but you’re right! It screams [Redacted], with a touch of Michael maybe?

  42. sausage curls/fingers says:

    All the entrepreneurial, generous, fiscally responsible, ambitious, etc points are grouped together. She could not have just wanted to say “rich and willing to let me spend it” any more.

  43. sausage curls/fingers says:

    Also I think I’d give some kind of funding to have a post the takes each one of these and explains why Julia doesn’t meet it herself. It could be the greatest post of our time.

  44. Tremendous Liar; Donkey Repugnant says:

    Re: number 2. DOTING?!?! Her command of English vocabulary isn’t exactly writerly.

    • Albie Quirky says:

      What’s off about that?

      • Tremendous Liar; Donkey Repugnant says:

        It seems awk to me because (in my head, at least) doting can be a general character trait only for olds (dotage). Younger people can dote only selectively. Donkey used it like it’s a general character trait.

        • Albie Quirky says:

          Agree that “Enjoys doting on me” or something would have been a better way for her to express it, but of course she is a shitty writer and a stupid person.

        • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

          “Doting” is not an stage-of-life trait …
          “Dotage”, on the other hand …

          doting
          Verb:
          Be extremely and uncritically fond of: “she doted on her two young children”; “she was spoiled outrageously by her doting father”.

          dotage
          Noun:
          The period of life in which a person is old and weak: “you could live here and look after me in my dotage”.
          The state of having the intellect impaired, esp. through old age; senility.

  45. Downward Spiral Donk (formerly) Cocoloco says:

    over/under we see engagement pictures by the end of the week?

  46. Tremendous Liar; Donkey Repugnant says:

    Official TL;DR version of Julia’s list:

    1. It’s universally agreed that you are hot and smart.
    2. You have lots of money and are excited to let me spend it.
    3. You are willing to marry me. Now.

    • Tremendous Liar; Donkey Repugnant says:

      3a. You think prenups are, like, totally I romantic & uncool.

    • JFA says:

      Notice how she did NOT list “rich.” She puts financially responsible or whatever too lazy to look. Bitch please.

  47. BrayDotCom says:

    # 68 Joie de vivre
    Transbraytion = loves colors (bright)

  48. What’s with the “irresponsible drug use?” Did she amend the checklist to fit in Jelly’s weed smoking? What does “irresponsible drug use” even mean? Like, sorry no crackheads, but you can do coke every once in a while (especially if it’s before Watch What Is Happening Now).

    WHAT DOES SHE MEAN???

    • cola champagne says:

      Please shoot up responsibly.

    • Tremendous Liar; Donkey Repugnant says:

      Think her implied responsible drug use is probably her use of diuretics, etc to make sure she’s looking sufficiently strange. However, she’s such a bad writer that it’s dangerous to assume she’s ever implying anything.

  49. bitchface says:

    Definitely NOT #43.

  50. rankles the jankles says:

    NewYorkObserverVerified ‏@NewYorkObserver
    Stars and fans of Bravo’s Miss Advised enable each other in narcissistic echo chamber/viewing party http://nyob.co/PdmeZT

    4m Julia AllisonVerified ‏@JuliaAllison
    @NewYorkObserver – That’s so odd … I remember having a very positive conversation with your reporter! I’m sorry she didn’t enjoy it.

    • [img]http://nyovelvetroper.files.wordpress.com/2012/07/149176151.jpg?w=300&h=200[/img]

      That photo, ugh. Amy and Donx are tied for who looks the worst.

      • iblow4shoes says:

        I don’t think Amy is unattractive. Am I the only one? Is there something wrong with me?

        • Malformed Face (Like a Bloated Deli Ham Left in a Hot Mercedes C Class) says:

          I just can’t stand her voice or the fact that she seems like such a wet blanket. She also has a very severe look with no softness. Even though Emily is just a thin, there is a softness to her, if that makes sense.

        • Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

          I think she’s cute and she’s got a hot body.

          • JFA says:

            Fiarly certain she has fake tits.

            She’s unremarkable. She’s cute when she has makeup on. Otherwise just snooze worthy.

          • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

            Looks like she has great legs, going by the party scene on last night’s episode, but her otherwise good looks are hardened by being wrapped too tight; girl is rough like a little cat turd.

          • Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

            She looked great in those apple-picking jeans. I’D GO LESBIAN FOR HER, HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHAWWWWWWWWWWWWW.

        • A Donkey is an Ass says:

          She’s not unattractive, I just find her looks to be ordinary. It’s the stick up her ass that makes her unattractive. If she carried herself the way that Emily does, she would be kind of cute.

        • Dr. Gary says:

          I think she’s pretty. But her food issues and rigid personality take away from that.

        • I don’t think she’s unattractive either, but she looks awful in this photo. But then again, she’s at a funny angle and tucking her chin in, which makes it look like she has no neck.

          All JA has to do is stand there to look bad.

          • Badonkeydonk says:

            Some blog was claiming Amy used to be a stripper in DC but that is so impossible to imagine given her personality that I discounted it out of hand.

            Emily looked really pretty last night, and held up well despite A Donkey’s madcap efforts to constantly steal focus.

            PROMMMMM!

        • KrakenSkulls says:

          You aren’t the only one. Unlike many of the females on this site, I wouldn’t let her demeanor or food issues stand in the way of trying to get to know her on a pound town level. Sometimes Amy briefly smiles a real smile and her whole face really lights up and she is pretty. Any man that wants to date her needs to keep himself in the game for at least three dates or so but in the end I think breaking through her layers would be very satisfying.

          She’s a self-made woman (as far as we know) and that is a very attractive feature in any partner. I don’t see why people on here feel compelled to hate on her just because she is on the show. She basically embodies a lot of the things we want from the Donk, like dressing classy, acting classy (I forgive her for attempting to murder that witch Tina by throwing water on her), and HAVING A JOBBY JOB.

          I also forgive her for not “following her own rules” as the premise of the show suggests. Yes, her own love life is in a stall, but that doesn’t mean she can’t be an awesome matchmaker for other people. What she needs is to be set up with by matchmaker herself. That would be good TV.

          • I don’t hate Amy at all, though I do find her to be sad. I just think she looks funny in that pic.

            I think she has a chance to find love and happiness, if she gets help first.

          • Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

            And who hasn’t behaved like a mentalcase when you’ve been on a long dry spell and some hot young guy suddenly starts paying attention to you. I have. I think the Lewis thing was unfortunate, and she went totally off the rails, but that doesn’t seem like it would be a consistent problem for her, unlike Donk’s madness. I also liked how she actually seemed embarrassed by her behavior on WWHL last night — she’s an adult, and knows she looked like a lunatic, and wasn’t very proud of it. Unlike that braying tool sitting next to her who looked so enthralled when they played her highlight reel of madness.

          • KrakenSkulls says:

            @Alexandra

            I agree, when she does that “shaking water out of her ear” thing it bothers me.

          • JFA says:

            Wow, I think she is a horrendous mess, and I can go on and on as to why. I think her rules are complete retrograde bullshit. I think she’s shallow and superficial and obviously just wants a hot, buff rich man, which sorry like what you like but I will feel free to judge you. She won’t date younger, but she absolutely will not date over 40. Why? YOu are 34 honey. My impression of her is she is extermely insecure and yet just extermely demanding as to what she wants in a man. I can smell her gold-digging from a mile away. And anyone who acts like she did with Lewis on a second date is horrendous.

            I think she’s horrendous. She ridiculed him for eating a chicken pot pie! Who is this person? I see almost no redeeming qualities there and I honestly think her business is a sham.

          • JFA says:

            She also ridicules her clients, is a bitch, and has an obvious eating disorder. She is socially retarded just off the charts level. She just…no. She seems like a profoundly unhappy person who is probably freaking the fuck out that she is GASP 34 and single, yet she has absolutely no idea how to date or even talk to guys. I mean, the only bf we hear about is that dick who fled to the middle east, and he was a) a tremendous doofus and b) clearly not into her.

            Girlfriend is a mess and a half.

          • Albie Quirky says:

            A) Don’t call women “females.”

            B) Some of us women have been to pound town with lots of other women, and still find Amy the opposite of sexy.

            I am getting kind of a pity crush on her, though. I want to be her mentor and teach her to loosen up.

          • Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

            Albie: Exactly. Shamefully enough, I kind of got a bit teary last night when she went out on the apple-picking date and let her guard down and was kind of dopey and sweet as she hoovered pumpkin pie. You can see there’s a good person in there, with something to offer someone, but she’s got serious walls up and is kind of messed up about letting them come down. But she seems to be evolving, unlike fuckhead.

          • KrakenSkulls says:

            You are seriously taking offense at calling females females?
            [img]http://i48.tinypic.com/1t545y.gif[/img]

          • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

            attempting to murder that witch Tina by throwing water on her

            Kraken, the way I saw it, Tina grabbed Amy’s arm & caused Amy to spill whatever on her … am I the only one who saw it that way?

          • MY Beach Home says:

            Brayella: I think that is exactly what happened. Amy did not throw her drink – Tina grabbed Amy’s arm and water spilled.

          • Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

            My apologies to Amy then. I was typing furiously and thought she tossed the drink to get that asshole out of her face. I once slapped a similar angry chick to get her out of my face at a party, oh yes I did. She was drunk and coked up and thought I was after her man, who was basically a midget, and had me cornered, and it’s the only time in my life I have ever slapped someone. And then she got thrown out of the party. Ahh memories.

      • Handbag Cohen Stuffed With Hair says:

        Emily = pretty. I have a crush on her and want to take her out drinking for many hours so I can tell her to ignore all that retro lunacy about how she’s in denial because she doesn’t want to get married and have babies. I mean, JESUS.

        • Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

          I HATE that. Jesus, what the hell year is this? Does she seem unhappy with her life? No, she seems totally happy and well-adjusted with her life and her decisions. Not even sure why she’s on this show. PEOPLE NEED TO LEAVE EMILY ALONE.

          • Handbag Cohen Stuffed With Hair says:

            Are they being paid to spout that crap? Because otherwise it makes no sense at all. She’s given zero indication she thinks anything is missing from her life; she just wants to meet men (and women, I guess?) she finds attractive and have sex with them without strings, which sounds IDEAL, so she gets sent to therapy by someone named MENACE?

          • Fameless Shamewhore says:

            I’m with you guys.

            I loved it when she said: “I’m not really sure what it is but I’m not like ‘I secretly want a husband or I’m so afraid I’m going to be alone’ like, I do NOT experience those feelings, so maybe I’m an alien from another planet.”

            Then her friend asks her whether she’s going to be “satisfied with this lifestyle” (meaning loads of sex with different people) “at fifty” and Emily just replies, “Totally, my vagina’s down for that!”

            TEAM EMILY!

          • Maybe the producers arranged that? I still haven’t seen the episode, but maybe she was required to go to the therapist to show that she is “working on herself” or whatever.

            Said it before, I’ll say it again: Emily is the only one who seems truly comfortable in her own skin. She seems happy and shouldn’t let society pressure her into something she doesn’t want.

            Aside from the fact that she is single, she does not belong on this show.

        • Albie Quirky says:

          Yes! Let’s fly to SF and do an intervention, y’all. Also get her to fire that asshole Menace.

    • CaptainGary says:

      BAHAHAHAH! Why doesn’t this surprise me – Julia thinks the conversation is positive when, in reality, the reporter was probably judging the shit out of her. Too bad Julia has the sociopath’s inability to understand human reactions and facial expressions.

      • Kitler says:

        Dot icon uf yours…very attractif. Your pussy?

      • CaptainGary says:

        Yes, Kitler, but I warn you – Actual Gary is no Eva Braun that you can cow into hunkering in a bunker for some hot Last Days action – he’s as big as a small bobcat and twice as vicious. OK, so maybe he IS like Eva Braun in that sense.

        Back on track here, but it seems to be that Donkey’s tweet to the NY Observer is yet another in her long line of insistences that people who meet her in person like her – which is, albeit hilarious, patently untrue. Honey, people who see you on TV and people who meet you in person have the same reaction as those who only know you from your internet antics – loathing, contempt and pity.

    • They put the article under the tag “Nonsociety.” Inside joke at the Observer?

    • cola champagne says:

      She’s so thin-skinned for a (fake) journalist.

    • Dr. Gary says:

      From the comments:

      Meghan • 21 minutes ago −

      “The show is an embarrassment and not what I turn into Bravo for. Julia Allison is either on the spectrum of a severe mental disability or the worst human being who ever lived. The fact that Bravo enables this behavior is gross. Also, the jig is up, we all know Bravo set up her fake column for Elle and she in fact is not a real relationship columnist. I suppose I could excuse some of this if the show was not incredibly boring with no new incites whatsoever. Emily is okay, Amy needs to get behind Julia in some severe therapy.”

  51. Malformed Face (Like a Bloated Deli Ham Left in a Hot Mercedes C Class) says:

    Donkey is so offensive the whole time Andy is trying to help that sweet Bear. She is wincing and making disgusted faces. She is such a bitch. AND THOSE TEEFS!!!!

    • cola champagne says:

      Amy was jerky this morning on Pix 11. She kept yelling out “buff” as to her preference. Shhh, Amy. Not everyone is a gym rat like you.

  52. Dr. Bobby Is Hiring says:

    This has nothing to do with whether or not Julia herself possesses these qualities, but the editor in me wanted to CONSOLIDATE so many of the items on this list. I feel like she could whittle it down to about 20.

  53. Norman Thijsen says:

    Methinks it very good,
    as she searches ’round the ‘hood,
    though 73 “musts” have been given,
    STDs, you’ll note, are not forbidden.
    … Norman Thijsen, exchange student/poet

  54. Tremendous Liar; Donkey Repugnant says:

    Momser’s suggested two-point list for Julia:
    1. Nice
    2. Stable

    And no, not THAT kind of stable, catladies.

  55. Lady Donk Donk says:

    She should have one thing on that list:

    1. Will tolerate my retarded, selfish, lazy, idiot self.

  56. cola champagne says:

    Ok, so I used to have a list, and I’m dead serious, I’ll post it. Please don’t TL;DR me! :)

    My Perfect Partner

    call me at all times and tell me he is thinking of me**** (this was immature and no longer a standard)
    willing to wait until marriage to have sex
    go out of his way to see me
    playful
    schedule plans in advance
    helpful
    be my friend
    altruistic
    be friendly and outgoing
    sensitive
    be talkative
    quick to resolve issues
    crazy about me
    logical
    funny
    honest
    sweet
    loyal
    kind
    professional
    generous
    love music and dancing
    ambitious
    good cuddler
    accomplished
    clown
    college graduate
    good sense of humor
    educated
    wants marriage
    mild-tempered
    ready to settle down
    smart
    supportive
    witty
    good listener
    independent
    encouraging
    trusting
    wants children
    understanding
    clean and sober
    easy to talk to
    articulate
    easy to get along with
    thoughtful
    has a great relationship with God
    compassionate
    enjoy traveling
    enjoy reading/writing
    enjoy funny/silly movies with me
    enjoy being with me
    enjoy going out to eat
    enjoy cooking at home
    loves his family
    practicing Catholic**** (my bf is a Protestant and I ADORE HIM)
    compromising
    whimsical
    light
    happy
    loves to smile and laugh
    passionate
    sexual
    attractive
    dedicated
    confident

    Y’all can laugh at me. I made the list more to manifest the person, not as a checklist. A lot of the things can be summed up by saying I wanted a nice, confident man who is ready to marry at the right time and respects me.

    • cola champagne says:

      Replying to myself to say that I do also offer all of these things. I’m not perfect, and I don’t possess these qualities all the time, but the reason they are on my list is because that’s how I believe I am as well. :) Hope I don’t sound like a douche.

      • CDB says:

        Here I am to save the DAY!!!!

        Not making fun of you cola, I just don’t understand the concept of finding the perfect mate. Nobody’s perfect

    • stalker is the new fat says:

      You’re 16 right? You really think you’re going to find a passionate sexual man who wants to wait until marriage? Go ‘head. Enjoy being the wife of a closet case.

      • cola champagne says:

        I’ve had sex, and so has my boyfriend. We aren’t 30 something virgins.

        • stalker is the new fat says:

          yep that sounds healthy.

          You do you, hon.

          • cola champagne says:

            I get it. You don’t agree. Let’s move on.

          • stalker is the new fat says:

            No, please, tell me and the world more about your weird sexual rules.

          • cola champagne says:

            You’re really getting bent out of shape because of a standard I’ve set for myself?

          • stalker is the new fat says:

            Nope, I’m not bent out of shape. I am still round.

            I’m just bored at work and fucking with you because you sound dangerously naive.

          • cola champagne says:

            Just because I want to wait until marriage to have sex again? No, I actually know what I’m missing out on. I’m bored at work too, but I’m not going to denigrate a decision someone makes about their body and sexuality. That’s a personal choice. I am not naive enough to think that all people who choose to wait are closet cases. It’s not easy to wait, and many people do not do it perfectly. I don’t think I’m better than anyone, but this is a part of my belief system that I want to adhere to. Some people put their energy into other stuff, tattoos, exercise, running, religion. It’s all part of our preferences and what we do to feel good about ourselves. Waiting has been a part of my life for a long time, and I don’t think anyone has to understand it, but they can accept it and move on. I don’t agree with everything people write here, but I’m not about to put them down for it either. It is what it is. No one else is going to tell me what I should/shouldn’t do with my body.

          • stalker is the new fat says:

            Hon, you’re the one who posted your list, thinking tee hee how cute am i?? Yes, I am judging you. I think abstinence for mature adults in loving relationships is creepy. Whatever. What do you care what I think? Please feel free to answer me in 500 words or more. You seem to want to share.

          • cola champagne says:

            The list is old. I don’t think I’m teehee cute but whatever. Moving on.

      • JFA says:

        LOL stalker.

        • stalker is the new fat says:

          I mean, come the fuck on.

          • JFA says:

            I’m staying out of this but I still love you for just not giving a crap and saying what you feel. xo.

            No offense to Cola above. But I love me some stalker, our love goes way back.

          • Cola chamPagne says:

            No offense to me JFA. I wasn’t doing it to attention whore. I’ve been a commenter since the blogger days so I would have done the attention thing long ago if that was my angle.
            I was simply posting the list to show that I was like that once too. A list can be nice but it’s not something I ever told anyone about. You all are the most people I have shown it to. If anything a list can keep you from finding the right person. If I had taken mine seriously I wouldn’t be with my bf now.

          • Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

            Don’t worry about it, little lady. Mommy doesn’t like it when the kids fight.

    • iblow4shoes says:

      That list will change after you get kicked around a little by life.

      • cola champagne says:

        It’s 10 years old easily. I’ve made a lot of concessions, of course. I was just sharing it because I happened to have it. It’s not a big deal, and I certainly didn’t consult it when I met my boyfriend. We’ve been together over 2 years and a few months ago, I found it on my hard drive and started laughing at it. I put it up here because I thought it would get some laughs. Apparently, Stalker didn’t think it was that funny. So it goes.

        • iblow4shoes says:

          If I had had a list back-in-the-day it would have had one item: must look and be exactly like Kate St. John of The Dream Academy.

        • emma bourricot says:

          You’ve been in a relationship with a man for two years and remained celibate? Not judging, but unless it’s a long distance relationship or you’re doing “everything but,” I don’t know, I just can hardly believe it.

      • A Donkey is an Ass says:

        Absolutely. The ones that do stay on the list are qualities that EVERYONE wants in a mate or a friend or a passing acquaintance.

        Nobody goes out looking for an unintelligent, insecure, unemployable stick-in-the-mud whose only personality trait is to shit on other people. Otherwise A Donkey would have found a mate by now.

        • cola champagne says:

          Yeah, obviously you have to stick to the ones that make sense. I had met a psychopathic jerk and my friend had suggested making a list. It was just something I had that no one knew about really, until now.

          • CDB says:

            Cola

            My mom de nome (stalker) is a wonderful lady. she just likes to get inside people’s noggins and shake things up. When she gets home from work, she will be a terror.

          • Handbag Cohen Stuffed With Hair says:

            Agreed, CBD. She’s as awesome as they come, but you not want to shake the red cape of “don’t call me out on something that looks like bullshit” in front of her.

    • Downward Spiral Donk (formerly) Cocoloco says:

      Wow, you just had that list hanging around?

    • Fat Freddys Cat says:

      Okay. A question: Did Bill/Monica “have sex” as you define it in number 2? If not, then in my opinion you’re probably okay with this list cuz I think most men could get by for quite a while in a relationship with a women with whom he’s not “having sex” in the way Bill and Monica didn’t “have sex”.

  57. JFA says:

    HEre’s anothere huge part of her problem. She has no idea who she is, as we all know. Seh changes personas quicker than most of us change our sheets. And none of them is particularly attractive but that is besides the point. I just…can’t imagine how she will find the one etc if she has no idea who she is, what she likes, what she is into. Whatever rom com fantasy man she envisions as typified by this list, would not touch her with a ten foot pole. That was one reason I never had a problem finding dates. I had a type and I always went after it and generally my type was into whatever type I am too…so when I found someone who fit what I was at least subconsiciously looking for, the rest of it fell into place.

    She’s not well-read, creative, musical, ambitious…yet she THINKS this is the kind of guy who she will end up with. Newsflash – those guys won’t want you. She just…is so boring that anyone remotely interesting or creative like a Jelly D or a Redacted will get so bored with her so quickly, and whereas they might be willing to overlook some cray cray if she was attractive and interesting otherwise, what is the incentive to do so when at the end of the day you are dating someone who thinks Tony Robbins in the shit? She offers nothing. She needs to find someone just as vapid and ordinary as she is with similar shitty taste in EVERYTHING, but she will never admit this fact.

    /rant

    • JFA says:

      A prom king type was perfect for her. Sorta homely, rich, willing to put up with her antics, but probably fairly boring, ordinary guy who had a fairly normal, boring law job and was probably sorta fratty and not too deep. But she thinks she deserves better. She wants the hot smart tech founder who listens to indie rock. NEVER. GONNA. HAPPEN.

      • JFA says:

        ETA he was way too good for her, but that’s the sadder part – she thinks she can do better.

    • 11th Wang says:

      You’re going to look like you’re JFA-ing yourself again because of our icons (sorry!), BUT (and this is obvious, but I’m saying it anyway):

      Donk sees a husband as serving as an extension of herself. This means that if he is the idyllic person she sees herself as being (and tragically cannot, will not be), but she truly believes that she will, by proxy, be these things through his being them.

      That way she doesn’t have to do any of it herself.

      Does that make sense? It’s beyond fucked up.

      And lazy.

      • There is a Situation on Your Face Girl (and fug on your feet) says:

        Reflected Glory Syndrome. In this case it’s for people who want to date the person they want to be, instead of doing the work on themselves to get there.

    • Handbag Cohen Stuffed With Hair says:

      Be authentic, be authentic! God, who do you want her to BE, JFA?!?

  58. My God... says:

    Well…

    1. Most of this stuff has absolutely zero to do with her future husband’s character.
    2. This makes her look like a jerk. Even someone with these items does not want to be with someone that is dating them because they are connected and have a certain car.
    3. If someone had a list like this, they should keep it a secret.
    4. Also, what does she bring to the mix? What does this guy get in return? Her?

    Wants to travel with me…I love how she added in style…no hostels for this one.

    • cola champagne says:

      It seems like she could find a guy who meets a lot of these checkpoints, not all of course, but he definitely wouldn’t be within 5 years of her age. Maybe a 50 year old would be flattered by her attention and be as worldly and financially independent to do all of these things. She should just go to sugardaddy.com.

      • My God... says:

        Yeah she would need to find someone insecure who is just happy for the attention. Anyone else would be repulsed. I am not saying that because of looks/weight either. This is the list of a complete jerk. Someone who doesn’t have their priorities together at all. I really hope she realizes that this stuff isn’t important. I hope however she marries doesn’t get sick or lose their money…

    • Can-Swiss says:

      Travel, in style!*

      *You must pay for everything and only travel within the United States, because foreign countries are icky or scare me. Also, only NYC, LA, SF, Boston and anywhere else that has an Ivy League are allowed. Maybe Chicago…

    • Falsies says:

      The “connected” one is the worst. It’s marriage, not networking.

      • Downward Spiral Donk (formerly) Cocoloco says:

        Nothing says I’ll use you as my first husband until I can network through your connections to a better connected second.

    • Skirt Pull says:

      It just makes me sad. It’d be one thing if it was sarcastic, facetious, tongue in cheek in ANY way. But it’s clear that she is dead serious about this checklist. It’s just pathetic.

      • ShesJustStupid says:

        She’s busy over on Twitter spinning the “connected” and “no divorce” ones…

        • Malformed Face (Like a Bloated Deli Ham Left in a Hot Mercedes C Class) says:

          If her list is 2 years old and she’s since updated it, why not read the correct list on the show?

          Her arrogance at other people’s stupidity is off the charts.

          • ShesJustStupid says:

            She’s also drawn attention to the fact that the list has been posted on Bravo. Either own it or don’t, dumbass.

          • Malformed Face (Like a Bloated Deli Ham Left in a Hot Mercedes C Class) says:

            Yes, she said to someone, “I would never show this to a man” to the person that said if a guy saw it, they would run. Bitch, the list is published on THE INTERNET. Just own the list or don’t… don’t keep changing your bat shit stories.

  59. Fameless Shamewhore says:

    I think the thing about this checklist – and cola champagne’s list, too – is that very few of the items listed are actually external “conditions”, like say, #48. Can play piano or guitar brilliantly (or sing).

    Most of these points come WITH LOVE. Several commenters have pointed out that their huscats qualify for the majority of the checklist – but surely that’s because we love them? When you love someone, then for you they *are* “brilliant”, “kind”, “a good lover”, “handsome”, “fun”… whatever someone else might think.

    Once you get to know someone, and you fall in love, then this person, who might have seemed perfectly ordinary when you met him/her, reveals themselves to actually be “perceptive”, “inspiring” and able to “teach you new things every day”.

    When you find your BIG LOVE, then you find each other wonderful in many different ways. And the other stuff – whether they can play tennis or not, or have a great car – is just extra.

    I’ve been married to my true love for over twenty years. It’s fucking hard at times. But of course, because I love him, I could easily write you a 73 – hell, a 173 – checklist of all the great things about him. I could do it, BECAUSE I love him. Through my love for him, I can see all the wonderful things about him, big and small. That’s maybe the point of love: that at least one other person in the whole world could write a 73-point checklist about how wonderful you are.

    But it comes *with* love, not before.

    • stalker is the new fat says:

      AMEN. I agree 100% and very good post.

    • cola champagne says:

      Very well put. See my response above in the thread, because I found out those things over time. A list doesn’t make your life easier or guarantee you anything, and the reality is that you have to find a person with qualities that work for you, even if it is out of the norm. There’s a lid for every pot.

    • Dr. Gary says:

      Very well said.

    • Stinky Velour Couture says:

      very well said—-but Julie cannot understand what you are staying….
      no emotional intelligence
      no cultural intell, etc.

    • So. Blessed. says:

      I agree with Fameless Shamewhore–the more I fell in love, the more I saw to love–and if my list had included pre-cat: “whiz at building IKEA furniture without directions” or “can fix whatever’s wrong with our vehicles” I realized “loves raking the backyard” and “enjoys folding and putting away laundry” trumped my intentions. “Enjoys cooking” was replaced by his love of creating intricate boxed desserts.

      The better you know someone, the more opportunities to love them crop up.

  60. BeepBeepBoopBeepBeep. I Am A Robot. says:

    #1 No human loves another human unconditionally. Laws of ATTRACTION will not allow for this. It’s why someone dates you and not the person standing next to you.

    Any guy who dares to love Julia has to love her open maw and the dumb stuff that comes out of it from the git-go. Along with her hair and her eyes and her nose and her boobs, he has to find the braying side of her personality attractive in her before he’ll date her.

    Cat ladies, make room on the cat hair covered, Dorito-stinking, basement couch because Julia will be joining us soon.

  61. Mandy says:

    I honestly don’t think Julia meets a single one of these 73 criteria

  62. A Donkey is an Ass says:

    Not only is never going to find a person who matches everything on such an insane list, so many of them are subjective, how can someone possibly think these qualities mean the same thing she does?

    A prom-themed date isn’t what I would consider “fun”. Does that mean I’m not “fun”? Traveling “in style!” is not something I particularly enjoy. I would much rather stay in simple hotels or even (gasp!) hostels. I’ve always found I meet the most interesting people in those places. I don’t want to eat at the finest restaurants. I want to go neighborhood places and eat street-food. I think doing things without a plan is being adventurous. That’s how I define those things for me. Everyone else is going to define them differently.

    She doesn’t understand that no one out there is going to meet qualifications on an arbitrary list that perfectly aligns with her ideas of what they mean. She’s not looking for a partner, she’s looking for an accessory to give her bragging-rights.

  63. Rick Stevens says:

    Is she straight? Honest to goodness straight when she isn’t in front of anyone? Being somewhat serious here, the only reason I ever had a fake funny list like that was because I wasn’t interested in the other gender full time unless I met the right one for my career which so far hasn’t happened.

    • Effing Ineffably Un-Effable says:

      I’d put a much, much larger bet on “asexual” than “gay”.

    • Dr. Gary says:

      I’ve always gotten a lesbian vibe from Julie. Look at how many times she’s made jokes about ‘turning gay’ for girls. She just did it last night, talking about Carole from RHNYC. I think she also made a comment about Tiny Julia.

      • Albie Quirky says:

        Not a fucking chance. Speaking as a lady who used to date ladies as well as gentlemen, she is the opposite of a lesbian. She fucking hates women and only sees them as competition for whatever walletpeens are in the vicinity.

        She will never, ever dine at the Y.

        • Dr. Gary says:

          ‘She will never, ever dine at the Y’

          *snickers*

          #iam12

          • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

            LOL’g at that one :-)

            When a friend divorced her man & started experimenting w/ women, I’d apparently told mutual friends “D got her liquor license” (I don’t remember, I was trashed!) & later they asked her if she was opening a liquor store or bartending or what — momentary mass confusion ensued. Luckily, my friend LHAO about it, but whoa, that could have come up at so the wrong time & that’s why I don’t want to know people’s personal business.

        • Tremendous Liar; Donkey Repugnant says:

          This. I’m partial to the idea, however, that neither Emily Morse nor Donkey are strongly attracted to either gender.

        • Jim says:

          As someone who leans gay most days, I think she is (GAYDAR ALERT!). She too has the inner child Michael Jackson vibe so I guess asexual is in the mix. I’m not saying she is wrong for it just how JA is most definitely not 100% straight in my book. No straight woman could ever exist with that childlike, close-minded male fantasy in her head. I’ve met enough rare women who act like that in the LGBT club.

      • Handbag Cohen Stuffed With Hair says:

        There is absolutely no way she’s a lesbian. I think her ability to love another person is a zero with either gender, but she for SURE is not really lesbo.

        • Wonkeye says:

          Yeah, no way. Completely asexual and incapable of loving anything except her own reflection.

      • Jim says:

        Hear, hear! I just said that in my post below. Freud if he were alive would say JA and the rest of us joke about things because the thoughts are in our minds. Think about how many times you joked about boning the 700 Club crew and you get my drift. I call her bi or closeted. Not bein’ mean.

    • LickedRandisCake says:

      For your career? Oh God. When you find this person, please do him/her a favor and let them know they are simply a rung on your career ladder and that you prefer your own gender behind closed doors.

  64. Dr. Gary says:

    My comments aren’t posting. Anyone else having a problem?

  65. JuLIAR Allison says:

    Thank Greg my husband is an atheist with a terrible singing voice because it looks like he’s Donk’s dream guy. Only problem? He’d never EVER the donkey.

    That checklist describes a guy waaaaaaay out of Donkey’s league.

    • Skirt Pull says:

      Agree. My hubs has everything on this list except horseback riding and tennis, singing, and sexy car (unless an ’89 volvo counts).

  66. Cola chamPagne says:

    I can’t get past the fast car bit because I keep getting the song “Fast Car” stuck in my head.

    • That is such a sad song. And now it’s in my head.

      • Handbag Cohen Stuffed With Hair says:

        I’ve got a ticket to anywhere.

        • Cola chamPagne says:

          RBD sing-a-long!!!!!
          “he said his body’s too old for working, his body’s too young to look like his”

          • Handbag Cohen Stuffed With Hair says:

            I heard it the other day in the market, of all places, and I totally stopped and thought, “Man, this is a SAD FUCKING SONG.”

          • Cola chamPagne says:

            I came across it in one of my songbooks but I’m not at the level to play it well yet. Does anyone remember when they used to parody it on “In Living Color?”
            It’s sad but it’s great. I love songs that tell stories. It’s such a talent when you think of how short songs are.

  67. bitchface says:

    that picture with this post is sooo unfortunate. It’s like the jcpenny version of Bachelorette (Wilmalorette???)

  68. Stinky Velour Couture says:

    You know baby
    When I was taking my pantyhose Out of their egg this evening
    I thought, I’m gonna find that manWho has the right shade of bottled tan
    A man that smells like cocoa butter and cash

  69. Queen Neferteeri says:

    All but #s 1, 46, 69

  70. K_Swizz says:

    K_Swizz’s 73 point checklist for the perfect mate!

    1. Must be okay with me drinking his beer
    2. Must not drink my beer
    3. Must be okay with 3am Taco Bell runs
    4. Must be okay with the fact that sometimes I don’t shower on weekends
    .
    .
    .
    73. Must be able to count to 73

    • MY Beach Home says:

      I endorse this message!

      Addendum (for me): Must not judge me when I eat gross shit on a random weekend. Lot’s of gross shit.

      • K_Swizz says:

        YES!

        Former bf got grossed out when I dipped my french fries straight into a jar of Hellman’s. So wrong, but so delicious.

        • Cola chamPagne says:

          Mayonnaise on saltines. <3

          • MY Beach Home says:

            On hot dogs and potato chips!

          • Fat Freddys Cat says:

            Mayo on saltines! YES! Absolutely. One of the best things ever. Thanks for letting me know I’m not alone. I eat ‘em with a cheap can of sardines. Cheaper the better. Bit honkers. Packed in oil! YUMMMMM!

          • Dr. Gary says:

            Mayonnaise is the work of the devil.

        • Grammarian says:

          I have heard that Canadians do that

          • Scooby Don't says:

            It’s a European thing. The Dutch do it so do the Belgians. But as a Canadian I can say..it’s not something common up here.

          • Fat Freddys Cat says:

            Yeah. In Holland. Mayonnaise on fries. I believe Vincent and Jules discuss this in “Pulp Fiction” as they drive to their appointment with the rather unfortunate college boys.

          • fig says:

            My favorite way to eat fries is using them to mix mayo and ketchup together. So, so good!

    • Dr. Gary says:

      Love it.

      And don’t you judge me for eating Captain Crunch out of the box. As I have stated here previously: milk can fuck right off.

  71. How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

    Good Greg — tots OT, but I’m watching a riot in the making & it’s a little scary! One dead already …

    • Dr. Gary says:

      What happened?

      • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

        I still really don’t know — had turned on the tv shortly after 7:00 & there was live coverage that ended at that moment, so I went on FB to get a scanner channel, when I noticed that the mom of a friend on the Dallas PD was expressing thanks that her daughter was off-duty today — I asked WTH & she said DPD had shot & killed a guy around 5:30 & the neighborhood was swarming w/ emotion — started watching this live feed & hearing about the riot squad being called in — when the chopper pulled back & panned the area, it looked like 300 cop cars were there. All that said, it seems to be simmering down, but somewhere in there, it sounded like maybe a 2nd person was also shot & killed, but I couldn’t follow all that the guy was saying.

        UPDATE VIA TV NEWS AT THIS MOMENT: Started w/ a kidnapping call, one guy turned on police & fired, police fired back & hit him (supposedly this was over a bag of weed, according to the victim’s mom & she said she ‘knew it was going to happen‘).

        • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

          TO FURTHER UPDATE: Now the mom’s comment about the weed makes more sense, since the police chief says the kidnapping call was bogus & a result of a family feud over drug business in the hood. Seems that the victim was beating the cop, not running from & firing on him.

          Sorry to hijack the post; back to regular programming.

    • Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

      Is it the Jacksons?

      • Malformed Face (Like a Bloated Deli Ham Left in a Hot Mercedes C Class) says:

        The Jackson thing scares the shit out of me. They are pure evil but I expected more from Janet!

        • Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

          Miss Jackson if you’re nasty!

          • Malformed Face (Like a Bloated Deli Ham Left in a Hot Mercedes C Class) says:

            !!!!!!!!!!

          • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

            I wish I knew what you’re talking about!

          • Malformed Face (Like a Bloated Deli Ham Left in a Hot Mercedes C Class) says:

            If you want to lose an hour of your life google TMZ or just the Jackson family. Seems they have kidnapped their mother in a bid to take custody of Michael Jackson’s kids away from her and get his will killed.

            It’s fucking nuts.

  72. crazytrain says:

    So is her Elle column totally done now?

    • Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

      Here’s guessing Elle.com took a bit of issue with Julia Price writing most of the column. Because you know she pretty much handed in the same fucking piece. I just want to know why there’s no mention of the meltdown on the floor as the dinner party guests looked on in stunned silence, drops phone.

      • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

        Yeah, I fully expected D0nkey The Dancer to pass that off as having tripped over her hooves & then laughing at herself so hard she couldn’t get up, some bs like that …

        EXCEPT … wasn’t she half way to the floor already when she opened the door, like her head was on level w/ the doorknob?

        Nope, nothing at all contrived about that goofy stunt where she thought she’d win the boy over by being the happiest girl to ever have seen him.

  73. SchadenfreudianSlip says:

    Sorry if I missed it above or in the previous thread, but has there been an explanation about why she wasn’t on that PIX segment this morning?

    • diluted brain says:

      I was literally just going to comment the same thing. I’m genuinely curious also. Looks like it’s been quiet on the twitter front, also… hmm.

    • Malformed Face (Like a Bloated Deli Ham Left in a Hot Mercedes C Class) says:

      It’s bizarre that for such a world class liar she hasn’t come up with some bullshit excuse.

      I am guess Bravo lost their minds over it and she knows she should STFU.

      • Cola chamPagne says:

        I think she overslept. She has to be jet lagged.

        • Wonkeye says:

          Yeah, but Emily also came in from the west coast. No excuse, Donkarina!

          • Cola chamPagne says:

            Oh no excuses! She has no discipline so she doesn’t even try to fix her horrible sleep habits. I keep thinking about the episode where she fell asleep on the couch. It was a sad little lump with glasses and a braid on her post collegiate clueless white couch.
            She should have spent the money not on a Mercedes but on a personal trainer and stylist that would make sure she got her ass up on time.

        • Malformed Face (Like a Bloated Deli Ham Left in a Hot Mercedes C Class) says:

          It’s her only job to get up and make a taping. She does noting else all week. If your boss (Bravo) is trying to get you any publicity for your failing show, you do whatever you can to get where you need to be.

          I’m guessing they provided a car as well.

          • Downward Spiral Donk (formerly) Cocoloco says:

            Wonder if the show got a pink slip on getting a second season and she made the executive decision to burn that bravo bridge.

  74. Malformed Face (Like a Bloated Deli Ham Left in a Hot Mercedes C Class) says:

    I have to admit yesterday when I heard that Checklist song that I feared it would be one of those crazy things that might catch on a la Rebecca Black. But now that I have seen it in context on the show, where it not only sounds terrible but is featured in such a cringeworthy way, I’m not surprised less than 2,000 people checked it out.

    Toilet should have been smarter – get a song – a song that is not tied to a fail whale Donkey – featured in the show, with an end credit and graphic with the record.

    • Julia's Authentic Pelts says:

      I love how her name is just “Toilet” now. And yeah, she fucked up bigtime with that shitty song, which Julia is totally co-opting.

      JP, is your twitter back up? I so loved your tweeting yesterday.

      And yeah, I would like to know what happened with WPIX this morning too!

  75. SchadenfreudianSlip says:

    I just read her blog piece. I guess I could point out what a horribly written, uninteresting piece of shit it is. But that’s obvious to anyone with half a brain.

    Will Elle even let her post anything at this point? Between the turd sandwiches she’s submitted, the fact that the last piece was a regurgitation of her Bravo post, and her insistence on publishing the “unedited versions” on her facebook page, does Elle finally draw a line with this sociopath stunted moron?

  76. DSM V: JFA Edition says:

    i think afghani has all of the items on this list…

    • Malformed Face (Like a Bloated Deli Ham Left in a Hot Mercedes C Class) says:

      A++++++++++++++++++

    • JFA says:

      lolllll

    • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

      #74: North-facing windows
      #75: Elite caulk
      #76: Thresholds at every doorway
      #77: Reads Tiger Beat magazine

      By golly, you’re right! :-)

    • Cola chamPagne says:

      The man knows his caulk. Bonus!

      An OT but the AC on my car malfunctioned today. My boyfriend googled the problem, found the part, installed the part, and Voila it works! These are the kinds of things that you don’t think about when you’re writing silly little lists! And now, because she tried to make “fetch” happen and it’s now a song, she has another indelible mark on her already bleak Internet presence. I guess it’s too late for her to put the toothpaste back in the tube.

    • Meow Mix says:

      Disagree. If anyone here is a dream man who fulfills the entire 73 point checklist, it is our beloved CDB.

  77. Lazy and Crazy says:

    Wait, so where’s the Twitter lie to explain her absence on this morning’s show?

    Whenever Donkey pretends something didn’t happen you know it’s really bad. You think her booze had a bad interaction with whatever pills she’s popping these days, and she was in a coma at call time?

    Seriously, no mention of it at all?

    • Cola chamPagne says:

      In the picture she posted of her and Shira she looked a little drunk.

    • Malformed Face (Like a Bloated Deli Ham Left in a Hot Mercedes C Class) says:

      This. I think she was def. hopped up on something plus booze = a sleepy donkey. Something. Stinks.

      Still I was expecting an overwrought lie… perhaps she was grieving her grandmother this morning and just needed some time to process????

      • Meow Mix says:

        “How dare you question my ability to show up at scheduled events. My grandmother just died, you monster!”

    • Dr. Gary says:

      No way she’d make an early call time if the previous night involved booze and an 8 ball.

  78. Scooby Don't says:

    OT
    Donkey has new competition in the horrible person looking for love via a TV show category.
    http://ca.eonline.com/news/332463/kate-gosselin-looking-for-love-on-a-tv-dating-show

  79. Malformed Face (Like a Bloated Deli Ham Left in a Hot Mercedes C Class) says:

    LOLlololollololol

    Amy Heidt
    EXCUSE ME WHAT ARE YOU DOING ON MISS ADVISED
    Saturday at 08:38 near Cana, VA ·
    4 people like this.
    Andrew Bancroft ha. long, strange story.
    Sunday at 03:17

    Hmmmm…. now why doesn’t Jelly D respond: “My girlfriend, WHO I WAS VERY SERIOUS WITH FOR THREE MONTHS, asked me to be on her reality show.”

    If they were VERY SERIOUS for three months, wouldn’t his friends have know about her… or about the show.

    I have a feeling Julia might have been lying about the VERY SERIOUSNESS of their relationship!!!!

    • Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

      Did she say “very serious” re: JellyD?

      Also, is that guy who piggy-backed her really her cousin?

      • Malformed Face (Like a Bloated Deli Ham Left in a Hot Mercedes C Class) says:

        She said they were “very serious” on Emily’s radio show. To someone else on Twitter she said they dated for 3 months which contradicts what she told you – that they went out a few times but they are better as friends.

        The piggy back/cousin – I don’t know.

        • Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

          How does she keep track of all the bullshit. Oh yeah, she doesn’t, we always catch her.

        • helobabe says:

          It was my understanding by “cousin” it was meant the horse/donkey connection…not Donkey and the man. But I may have read that wrong?

          • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

            Oh, hey! MY comment? DEFINITELY an equine-association d0nkey whorse but LOL, what an inadvertent rumor.

  80. Second Fridge says:

    Loved this exchange on thefrisky.com :

    Amelia

    I’m sorry Original JP. I will find a nickname for her that does not infringe upon your nickname.

    juliaspublicist

    Thank you. The confusion is unbearable. People keep on trying to force-feed me sandwiches

  81. RollsRoyceRevenge says:

    Possibly TL; DR, but…

    It occurs to me that I once dated a blond nuclear scientist who spoke six languages, played the piano, wrote advanced papers on atomic energy and related theory, was hired by a major financial firm to basically run their London division, moonlighted as an underwear model and hung out with Prince Harry.

    It also occurs to me that I ran screaming into the night after about six weeks of this.

    Sometimes you do find someone who seems to fulfill every thing you desire in a mate. And if my experience is anything to go by, when you do, check to see if this person sleeps in a coffin or has “Made in Stepford, CT” imprinted on their ass. Because trust me, the 73-pointers usually have a couple of surprises waiting for you at the end of the day. And I don’t mean a shopping spree at Tiffany’s for a diamond as big as the Ritz.

    • A Donkey is an Ass says:

      Yeah, they go by the name Patrick Bateman.

      • RollsRoyceRevenge says:

        This guy wasn’t a bad person, I think, just oddly…unfinished. The things he did well he did so well that everyone overlooked the things he didn’t bother to do at all, like treat other people like human beings, stay even vaguely monogamous during the duration of our affair (or understand why anyone would expect him to), move around at all during sex (passive recipient of yet another blowjob was his only sexual setting). Finally, I flipped my shit and launched a house-worth of fine china at his general direction (no winner of Miss Mental Health for that or any other year, me) before running, yes, actually screaming, into the night.

        I later received word of this conversation between two of his London colleagues:

        Brit #1: What did you think of the American?
        Brit #2: I always thought ‘what a sinister, sadistic, superficial cunt.’
        Brit #1: I did as well
        Brit # 1 & #2: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
        Brit #2: Wait a minute–which American did you mean?

        So I’m pretty sure I was no better.

        Did I mention TL, DR?

    • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

      Heh. One of the very best guys I ever known / dated (#1 or #2, is if I wanted to decide between him & the guy I spent most of my 30’s with) is 95-97% of her list, but comes from a broken home (many step-parents + an illegitimate half-sibling, no great shakes of a formal edu but is a self-made, independently wealthy man all the same …

      MY POINT: This great guy is a great guy in spite of his upbringing, D0nkey. You wouldn’t know class if it latched onto your raft ass w/ a snap-on Toddlers & Tiaras flipper, so sit down, shut the fuck up, & call it a bray.

  82. alessa says:

    lists are stupid. why? because people evolve and change as life goes on. moods change, tastes change, what made sense 5 years ago suddenly doesn’t make sense anymore. which is why most relationships that last aren’t that way because the two people involved have stayed exactly the same to each other, but because they’ve evolved together. at the same rate. in the same direction.

    when i was in college i thought dating the dashing frat boys who smoked pot all day and thought their self-serving antics was awesome. then i thought dating a tool with a tintin haircut and a closet full of lacoste was so adult of me. shortly after i was into dating actor/model/narcissist types. at one point i dated a palestinian who kept talking about “the zionists,” and i also introduced a 30 something mormon to the glories of sex. also, when i was nine i had a crush on the semi retarded man who hosted an animal show on pbs. you get the point. what works for you at one point in your life won’t always work. i’m not saying your partner should pull a madonna and go through routine persona changes every few years to accommodate your boredom. i’m just saying as long as you’re cool with being open to adjusting as you grow and/or allowing the person with you to do the same, as well as appreciating what’s good in front of you, it’s not all that fucking hard. lists are stupid, immature, and frankly if you can’t live up to your own standards there’s no point in holding others to them. i’ve had enough relationships to learn that that shit isn’t concrete and everyone is borne out of their own unique circumstances–if you can’t love them for exactly who they are then get the fuck out of there.

    sorry. i’m on percocet and in pain. i like cursing tonight.

    • So. Blessed. says:

      I think the core issue with A Donkey is that she doesn’t feel that she received unconditional love in her life. She feels she deserves it (which all people do deserve) but she has a special dose of terminally unique princess specialness and is simmering in the fact that NO ONE HAS EVER UNDERSTOOD HER BECAUSE SHE IS SO SO JULIA and the reality show proves she should just be JULIA JULIA JULIA all the time and everyone who has suggestions are OMG mean like her parents and evil brother. AND SHE HAS A BRAVO SHOW and not everyone gets them, mmkay?

      Hello. UL doesn’t give you reign to act like an asshole and be applauded for it. ITA that relationships that have borne out the harder places ARE because the people involved are growing in the same direction for the most part.

      Families considered. Is there any outreach to Mom and Dad or Brother Britt on the multiple losses this last year? Nope. Julia’s just lounging about Tweeting in dead Granny’s nightgown in a sterile NYC hotel as a totem for luck for her teevee appearances. What a fucking vulture.

      Ugh. I am repulsed by her behavior since the show aired. In two weeks there will be some “Strangely saddened by the end of the show,” retweets of whatever self help moron she golemed onto then a host of Slutoween 2012 Burning Man edition couture. Then, I pray, crickets.

      • alessa says:

        yeah–it goes without saying, but when i mentioned that if you can’t love that person for exactly who they are, get the f out– well, that’s why all we see are men fleeing from her. totally didn’t mean that you can act like a raging torn asshole and people should love you for it, bc no one could love THAT.

        i don’t think anyone could love her the way she is now. it’s been said before but from what i’ve read and seen, she needs to experience the inevitable psychotic break and go through daily psychoanalysis and cbt to even begin to form the type of personality and character someone could love and grow with… i.e. want to marry.

        i am just really sick and tired of femi-cosmo type magazines and articles pushing the whole “i made a list and then i met my husband” garbage. no, you made a decision to change your life, decided not to date assholes and started behaving like a respectable adult. the list didn’t do it for you.

        you know your dumb gf who keeps drunkenly stumbling home with men and crying about why she keeps getting used and why she’s still single? julia’s self-sabotaging and insanely redundant behavior remind me of “that friend”, except in this case the only person she seems to be screwing is herself.

    • Bulimia bloat with a side of bray says:

      Was this who you had a crush on at 9?

      [img]http://i47.tinypic.com/2czwo0l.jpg[/img]

      Damn nature…you scary.

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