Miss Advised Cuckoos On The Today Show

She’s wearing the white hooves with a turquoise dress.

She managed to avoid sausage curls.

Her eyes aren’t as pisshole-y as I expected. More coming.

UPDATE: OH GOD, her first comment involved ultimatums and she said not to demand an orgasm a day. CLASSY.

Her teeth are prominent.

She’s trying desperately to get in on the conversation and failing. Now she’s saying you can find a boyfriend on Facebook and Twitter. Kathie thinks that’s weird. Also — that worked out so well for Donkey, meeting dudes on Facebook and Twitter.

Any of you happy, asks Kathie Lee?

Says Donkey: “I don’t want to spoil the show, but there’s a guy that I started going out with last week.”

Says Kathie: “Last week???” She then suggests that things aren’t working out too well for Donkey, then.

AND THAT’S IT!

 

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251 Responses to Miss Advised Cuckoos On The Today Show

  1. virgil reid says:

    i like the facial expressions emily and amy were making while donkey was rambling about using facebook instead of going on a dating site.

    • The Tortuous and the Hair says:

      [img]http://i.imgur.com/ajKl2.gif[/img]

      • Malformed Face (Like a Bloated Deli Ham Left in a Hot Mercedes C Class) says:

        Donkey is so gigantic!!!!

        And the teef! Oh the teef!

        • One Fat Melman says:

          And she’s sitting next to Emily, who looks gorgeous. Thankfully for Wincey McCringeface on the right there, everyone was too distracted by Julia’s awkward fembot cutout to notice the stick up her ass.

          • RollsRoyceRevenge says:

            Emily looks really pretty in pictures but seems a bit too thin on camera IMO.

            And really, none of these wenches have any kind of presence or ability to modulate their voices.

            “Welcome to Blackboard Morning Television! We’re here today with three guests, Chalk, Fingernails and Cat Claw.”

          • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

            I mostly like Emily, but …

            Ever notice how, when w/ these other two, that she sits ramrod straight & juts her chest out as far as she can, & even does the inner-arm cleavage push?

            Otherwise, in the diary chair, on her show, w/ her friends, she’s pretty chill & relaxed. Makes no sense to me, as these other two got nothing on her insomuch as how they come across.

          • Maybe she’s just weird about live TV?

            I dunno, I’m an Emily apologist. I think she’s lovely. She’s not too thin, she’s San Francisco skinny.

          • Factory Seconds says:

            I’m so very much an Emily apologist, too, if only because she’s levels higher than these other two.

          • Yeah, she’s the only one on the show who looks comfortable in her own skin. The other two are fakity-fake.

      • RollsRoyceRevenge says:

        WORST

        HEATHERS

        REMAKE

        EVER

      • There is a Situation on Your Face Girl (and fug on your feet) says:

        They look pained, which makes sense.

      • AFGHANI says:

        So unfortunate that she had to sit next to Emily, who is ~12 yrs older and looks so. much. better.

  2. Blinking.SOS.at.the.Camera says:

    Last week? Wasn’t she in Chicago with … dun dun dun … Chaz F.?

    • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

      Spoil WHICH show? The one she’s on NOW? WTF does that even mean? Or is she talking about spoiling tonight’s cliff-hanger episode of MESS ASSVICED, as in some bought-&-paid-for-by-Bravo Craigslist guy she went out w/ the week before tonight’s show was scripted & taped?

      Non-sensical D0nkey is non-sensical.

      • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

        Nevermind!

        I guess what Julia Allison Baugher of the NDA-Signing Baugher’s meant is that she doesn’t want to spoil the conclusion of the one & only season of Miss Advised by making it known in advance, on national television, that NO, she did NOT land a husband.

        Way to go, Donkey!

    • Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

      Maybe it’s Tony Robbins!

  3. Every Little Thing She does is Tragic says:

    Oh my god, the braying and desperate jockeying to control the conversation! I kept willing Emily and Amy to fight back and say something just to shut Julia up.

  4. Dld says:

    Please can someone upload this on YouTube or on something that I can watch this hilarious disaster unfold on? I am in australia.

    • Julia's Authentic Pelts says:

      there is a clip on the today show site….watching it now…

      • One Fat Melman says:

        Thank Greg! I don’t know why, but my Today Show cut away to a half an hour long video feed of the movie theater shooter sitting in a courtroom looking like a nutter.

  5. Lazy and Crazy says:

    The sleeping in her dead grandmother’s nightgown is one of the creepiest, most disgusting things I’ve ever heard.

    Can you picture her in that thing, pounding away at the Macbook Air at 4:30am trying to do Megatits damage control?

    I literally can’t comprehend how sad she will be in another 2-3 years. I think by then she might actually be in some kind of group home.

    • cola champagne says:

      Something about it reminds me of a V. C. Andrews book.

      • RollsRoyceRevenge says:

        “Forty Dollar Irises in the Attic”

        The new book by someone pretending to be V.C. Andrews.

        In all finer bookshops, summer, 1981.

    • Peltergeist says:

      It’s the way she says it, too. “My late grandmother’s nightgown.” If she had called it her “good luck nightgown” or a “vintage nightgown” that might have been less creepy. Maybe. She has such a terrible, awful way with words. She could make a sandwich sound repulsive.

      • Malformed Face (Like a Bloated Deli Ham Left in a Hot Mercedes C Class) says:

        She was trying to get sympathy after coming off as a crazy loon via Megatits, me thinks.

      • mule on rouge says:

        All I could think of was, ew, did Granny die in it?

      • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

        That gown wasn’t so very lucky for GMB’$, now was it?

    • 11th Wang says:

      How did it fit!? Julie’s grandmother was half her size.

  6. LEFOOLIEH says:

    Catladies & gents, we have video….

    http://video.today.msnbc.msn.com/today/48285744

    • iblow4shoes says:

      I love the looks Emily gives JAB. That’s funny.

    • Wonkeye says:

      I can’t get over how much bigger than the other two! I know it’s because Amy and Emily are teeny tiny, but that must kill JABA.

      • Wonkeye says:

        I was obviously stuttering in that comment because I lost brain cells from watching that bullshit. Emily is the only sane one.

      • Albie Quirky says:

        She is so weird with her obsession with tininess. Like most of her obsessions, it’s self-destructive because she is average sized and will never be tiny.

        Which, says 5’9″ me, is fine.

        • cola champagne says:

          If she looks this tall next to them, how short are they? She’s like 5’4″ right?

          • Albie Quirky says:

            They’re like five feet even. But Julie looks taller sitting down because short legs long torso. Emily and Amy seem more evenly proportioned.

        • pearipathetic donkey says:

          Yes her obsession is so weird. The size disparity is a non-issue, but its just so funny because I can only imagine how she freaks out about it.

          Good thing Donkey is average-sized. Can you imagine what her chocolate and cupcake binges would do to a petite frame. She’d be gaining and losing 30 lbs every other month.

      • Downward Spiral Donk (formerly) Cocoloco says:

        Emily should have been in the first chair, followed by Amy in the middle and Donk in third chair. She must have made some sort of fuss.

    • Blinking.SOS.at.the.Camera says:

      Amy needs to find a new angle. Her “rules” are for shit.

      ” … as a woman, you never want to give an ultimatum.”

      So, “as a woman” you never want to be decisive about what matters to you in life?
      As a man, ultimatums are okay?

      Ugh.

      • RollsRoyceRevenge says:

        “Never say never” works if you are Veronica Sawyer or a James Bond title sequence, Amy.

        Otherwise STFU.

      • JFA says:

        Her rules are teh absolute worst. Sure, there are things you should and shouldn’t do re: dating. I think they can be encompassed under something like “Don’t act like a needy freak.” beyond that just RELAXXXXXXXXXXXx. This whole notion that you have to follow some strict parameters is just the biggest load of horseshit.

        Also I only watched the last couple of episodes in the past few days adn the scenes with Amy and Lewis were honestly some of the most painfully awkward television I have ever seen, and I have watched every episode of shit like “Jersey Shore” so that is saying a lot. She freaks out on the dude on the second date bwahahaha she is nuts.

        • cola champagne says:

          He broke up with her because she asked him to. She was too tempted by him. He was afraid she was going to binge on that delicious tall vanilla milkshake he ordered on the 2nd date.

          • JFA says:

            It strikes me how much she actually wanted to bone him, and how sad it is that she could not even make THAT happen. She’s a very sad little freak.

  7. Julia's Authentic Pelts says:

    i liked kathie-lee’s joke about frank…i guffawed. nice that she can own all that bullshit.

    • Julia's Authentic Pelts says:

      oooh…when she says she started dating a guy last week, she clarified by saying “last week on the show.” she’s talking about donut.

      • Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

        Oh, I missed that. Right, that must be what she meant. Love how Kathie talked right over her to ridicule her.

        • Julia's Authentic Pelts says:

          yeah that is why you couldn’t hear it…lolz!

          • Julia's Authentic Pelts says:

            so wait, is she trying to hint that she and jelly are an item to this day?

          • Malformed Face (Like a Bloated Deli Ham Left in a Hot Mercedes C Class) says:

            She is. But on the Sex with Emily show she said “We were very serious” as to imply past tense and it was over and when she was sending Jacy emails she did the “we’re still great friends” bullshit saying it didn’t work out but that DeStorm was her man.

          • The Tortuous and the Hair says:

            @Malf, on Emily’s show she also said she’d facebook stalked JellyD and sent him a message that she was “turned on” by his photos & that she was coming up to SF; he replied that he’d be around that weekend, and that’s how they met up.

            In another version of the story (maybe it was for MissAdvised?) she claimed that they had facebook messaged for a year before meeting in person.

            Obviously, she is a pathological liar, but if she was facebook messaging JellyD for a year, wouldn’t that mean she was stalking him while she was practically engaged/sharing a home with Jack?

          • Malformed Face (Like a Bloated Deli Ham Left in a Hot Mercedes C Class) says:

            Either way she is psycho and good catch on her lie re: FBing Jelly D for a year.

            Why the radio silence from Jelly D re: his appearance on Miss Advised? Another “boyfriend” who is backing slowly out of the room? Hmmm?

          • mule on rouge says:

            She also claimed that she and Toph had been Facebook messaging for a year (or three, maybe? something nutso). Good Greg, stalking is her true calling. She should have been a private detective instead of a public dick.

          • pearipathetic donkey says:

            @TortuousWas that her message to JellyD? “I’m turned on by your photos?” OMG that’s basically a response to a Craigslist hook-up ad.

            @mule Lest we forget, her real self is a stalker.

          • The Tortuous and the Hair says:

            @pearipathetic, I can’t remember the exact phrase she used, but she opened up her facebook messages and read on the air: “I am equal parts perplexed and turned on by your photos” or “I am both intrigued and turned on by your photos,” but she definitely said “something + turned on.” It was cringe-worthy.

            As Malf says downthread, Menace was quick to point out that it sounded like she wanted a booty call. I also recall her patting herself on the back for her efforts, implying that she set herself apart from his stupid fan girls by being so clever.

      • Tremendous Liar; Donkey Repugnant says:

        Oh, it didn’t mean that Donkey went on her 8001st first date?

      • mule on rouge says:

        I vaguely recall her answering questions about Miss Advised and she claimed that she had fallen in love. Maybe when she was on that Chicago show when she was in town for Grandmother’s memorial service…?

        • Exhausted Drag Hag says:

          I remember that and presumed it was some, “I grew to love myself!” legalese.

    • Albie Quirky says:

      Kathie Lee cracks me the fuck up. She is America’s official crazy drunk cousin who’ll just say whatever.

      • Donkeycam now! says:

        Yes! And you should always invite a crazy drunk cousin to your party. She will, at least, give the guests some stories to tell years from now.

        • I had a neighbor like that, total wino and a wildcard. She was loud, but in a fun way, and she always said exactly what she thought. I miss her, she was great at family functions when the mood needed a little lifting.

  8. JFA says:

    AND cue the sound of the one week dude (yeah right) booking out the nearest exit.

    Honey, everyone knows you don’t have a boyfriend. Please just stop. Also “ruin the show” LOL!!!!!! No one cares.

    • JFA says:

      WHO ADMITS ON NATIONAL TV THEY STARTED SEEING SOMEONE LAST WEEK. WHO DOES THAT. WHO.

      I guess we know the answer, now. She does that. She makes the same mistake, every. Fucking. Time. She probably is dying to change her FB relatiosnhip status already too. I can’t.

      • cola champagne says:

        It’s our one week anniversary!!!!

        • JFA says:

          I’ll bet she’s already asked him how he feels about marriage and grilled him about his dating history.

          • Tremendous Liar; Donkey Repugnant says:

            “And please bring your tax returns and proof of any other assets to our second date, mmkay?”

          • Tremendous Liar; Donkey Repugnant says:

            Sorry, that’s totally unrealistic and defamatory. Donkey would never say “please”.

          • cola champagne says:

            He probably has to sign “an orgasm a day” contract at the 6 month mark.

          • Tremendous Liar; Donkey Repugnant says:

            Donkey will never get to six months with anyone, so that contract will always be strictly theoretical.

        • Downward Spiral Donk (formerly) Cocoloco says:

          I had a date last week too, but it’s not national news worthy. Neither is her “date”. I cannot believe that she ever thought she was going to marry McC, could you imagine her as the First Lady? Yeah neither could his parents.

      • KashMoney says:

        no one “started seeing someone last week”. people “had a date with someone last week”.

      • Albie Quirky says:

        I think she meant that she wanted to leave viewers in suspense about whether things worked out with Jelly Donut, whom she just started dating on last week’s show.

        Because viewers would otherwise believe that his slightly bemused going along with her cray represented the roots of lasting looooooooooove.

        • JFA says:

          See, I watched it and he seeemed SOOOOOOOOOO not into her. SO not sure how anyone with a pulse would think that was going anywhere.

          No way in fuck that dude was serious about her. Ever. HE didn’t even try to get in her pants. He barely seemed attracted to her.

          • Malformed Face (Like a Bloated Deli Ham Left in a Hot Mercedes C Class) says:

            He would barely look her in the eye.

            My take is he thought this would be good for his LOLcareer as a rapping Donut. But now he’s up on how psycho a Donkey is and is slowly backing out of the room.

          • JFA says:

            He looked so uncomfy in the limo. He def made no eye contact. She’s laying all over him. If you can’t get a guy to be into you on date 1 when you are wasted…all signs poing to this isn’t going anywhere. I very highly doubt he was ever into her ass. Just a hunch.

      • fig says:

        I think she was referring to last weeks show.

    • mule on rouge says:

      “I don’t want to spoil the show, but I have no self-control whatsoever, so here’s me spoiling the show.” -Donkey

      • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

        Remember when she deliberately mentioned on FB that she was attending someone’s birthday party w/ some guy who was in town for the party, & tots ruined the surprise portion of the party?

        • Helena (Pterodactyl Trallala) says:

          Remember when she said she respected the shit out of the Pancakes’ family privacy so she naturally had no choice but to repeatedly bray their name and associate it with her donkey ass on national TV?

  9. Downward Spiral Donk (formerly) Cocoloco says:

    Oh I think her segment may have gotten preempted for the CO judicial proceedings, I’m sure she’ll tweet about how unfair her air time was cut short.

    • One Fat Melman says:

      How irate must she have been when she stepped off the set (much like when she deplaned last night) to learn that she’s been somehow fucked over yet again?

      I imagine it went something like this:

      Producer: Great job girls! Unfortunately, we didn’t show you’re clip live because we had to cover some breaking news about James…

      Julia: JAMES FEY? I dated him! LOLz, we still talk, like, EVERY DAY.

      Producer: No, James Holmes…the movie theater shooter?

      Julia: Oh right, shooting is terrible, except when my very serious ex-boyfriend shoots things from his helicopter. Did you know we talked about marriage?

      Jack’s Belt: Someone get me another belt so I can hang myself already.

    • Joardache & the Pelts says:

      They don’t even run the kathie and Hoda hour until like three am in the Baltimore market. Amy makes me very sad, there’s something lost and joyless about her, she’s not a happy person. what’s up with Greeenwich seriously? Julia is a fucking cartoon, love how her “unconventional” dating methods amount to stalking – she’s needs to guve up this beat it’s not working.

  10. How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

    Held without bale (s of hay) in criminal charge(s) of unlawfully seizing and carrying away a belt by force, or seizing and detaining a belt against its will with an intent to carry that belt away at a later time, the defendant in THE PEOPLE VS. THE D0NKEY spontaneously grandstands while being sworn-in …
    [img]http://i45.tinypic.com/sbpz7d.png[/img]

    • JFA says:

      I am so sick of her Miami Vice color scheme. Christ. Give it up with the damn white belts and pearls. Ugh. Also nice matted hay hair.

      • Jack the Bulldog says:

        But with the metallic sheen of the getups worn by workers in the Emerald City, and we all know how Julie feels about the little people who work for a living.

    • Princess WideStance says:

      It’s the return of the gel bra!

  11. Jack the Bulldog says:

    Julia the Vulgarian looks as though she just flew in from the Emerald City. Whatever that thing is, it isn’t human. I most enjoyed our donkey insisting that “women are liars.” Speak for your fucking self, Albertson!

    • cola champagne says:

      I wouldn’t mind the vulgarity if she was funny, like Tamra Barney. But she’s not funny. Ever. And that’s what’s vulgar.

    • Frequent Liar Miles says:

      That dress is the cheesiest thing I have every seen. Is it made out of Nyesta? The hideous white plastic pearls/belt/hoof-covers are the perfect foil.

      Dead granny’s nightie would probably have been a better choice.

      • Albie Quirky says:

        Oh god the pearls! Stop trying to make that your signature, Julie! They’re dumb as hell.

        • Tremendous Liar; Donkey Repugnant says:

          All Donkey’s jewelry choices make her look much older than she is. Some younger women look great wearing things like pearls and big clunky jewelry. Donkey looks like the matron that the younger women are kinda ironically referencing.

  12. Malformed Face (Like a Bloated Deli Ham Left in a Hot Mercedes C Class) says:

    I love when Katie Lee realizes all their advice re: how to meet men is all bullshit, she says she would think the best place to meet men would be places where you have similar interests. She starts to list them: Church, places where people take their pets… she’s actually, among three LOLexperts, the only one giving decent advice and Donkey interrupts and says, “A chocolate shop?”

    Kathy Lee ignores that tacky Bitch and then made a point to serve her when Donkey started bragging about the Donut she met last week.

    • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

      I wish Kathy Lee would have come back with: ‘Over-eaters Anonymous’

    • Jack the Bulldog says:

      Advice offered by Kathie Lee re: dating indeed seems more professional, more helpful than anything proposed by the “experts.” I would think very successful bidness woman Laurent’s very successful business goes into the toilet after the Bravo shitshow ends.

    • Double Quinceañera says:

      I believe you misheard Julia. She clearly said, “A chocolate shoppe?”

      • cola champagne says:

        I thought of that spelling too. But even worse, I thought (generalizing of course) that the only guy you will meet in a chocolate shoppe is a fat or a gay man. No man I know (straight or thin) goes into a chocolate shoppe, unless it’s with or for a woman.

      • Jack the Bulldog says:

        Where she will greet you in a colorful metallic frock while performing a drag queen lip synch to Bow Wow Wow. (I’m too lazy to post Julie, Pointy, and MMBH’s “Candy” atrocity.)

  13. How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

    Poor Amy Laurent!
    [img]http://i46.tinypic.com/jhuhzs.png[/img]
    So desperate for anyone to put a ring on it …

  14. Donkeycam now! says:

    I have to say that Donks’ makeup is better than usual: at least you can see her eyes (the resident tarantulas were confiscated at the airport), but I don’t like the orange/brownish hue her skin has.

    But…. meeting men on Twitter??? REALLY???? ON TWITTER??? Oh, for the love of Greg, just shut up!

  15. Lazy and Crazy says:

    Why does she always look so huge?

    She’s actually not that tall. Everyone who sees her in the wild is surprised by how short she actually is, and that’s why her calves look like a fucking linebacker’s…from wearing whore heels to make her taller.

    But sitting down, why does she look like a gregdamned 9 foot tall Nephilim compared to these tiny and cute women with real jobs?

    • Albie Quirky says:

      She has short legs and a long torso. Also, Emily and Amy are like 5’0″.

      • Frequent Liar Miles says:

        Short legs + long torso + raft ass + ginormous head = apparent giantess when seated.

      • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

        See, I would say she has a short torso.
        Isn’t that why her waist bands are always under her tits?

        My torso is so long, if I want to wear a one-piece, I have to get one two sizes larger than I wear in anything else.

        • Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

          But she has really short legs so doesn’t that mean her torso has to be long? Maybe the mini-skirts ride up because there is such an expanse. She does look six inches taller than the other two when she’s sitting down.

          • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

            I would say not.

            Have you ever seen an anatomical proportion guide (I think artists & sculpturists are taught this) where body parts have a ratio to other body parts? Off hoof, I only remember a few:
            * From the crook of your arm to your wrist = your foot length
            * The span from one middle finger to the other middle finger = your height
            * Wahh! The torso one evades me …

            A petite person (she’s neither petite nor human) is going to have both short legs & short torso, but on other people, I don’t think it’s a one-or-the-other sitch.

            RE: what Albie says below: I’d say she’s high-waisted & I’d wonder if navel is the starting point or is natural waist the starting point? but then again, Ima not gonna dig in my heels & insist, cuz this isn’t really my thing.

            Is torso not the range from under your breasts to your natural waist?

          • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

            Scratch that last line! Don’t know what I was thinking.

          • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

            Midriff is what I was going for.

          • Albie Quirky says:

            “Torso” as used in the fashion industry refers to base of the neck to the crotch.

          • Albie Quirky says:

            Also, “short-waisted” and “high-waisted” are synonyms. I think we’re all just confusedby each other’s terminologies? In any case, her legs are disproprtionately short, we all agree on that bit, right?

          • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

            Albie, I was thinking we’re on the same page, but definitely willing to defer to you, if not.

            WORDS ARE HARD!

            I did find a couple more measurements:
            * Twice around your thumb is about the circumference of your wrist
            * Twice around your wrist is about the circumference of your neck
            * Double the length of your forearm or foot & you have the measurement of your arm length

            In conclusion, D0nkey’s big head explains her raft ass, or vice versa.

          • Albie Quirky says:

            Brayella, I love that you have done the math of the enormonoggin. XO forever.

        • Albie Quirky says:

          She is short-waisted, but has a long torso. Navel to crotch is disproportionately long on her. Then short legs for her height.

          This is why she always looks so dumpy and frumpy, because she doesn’t dress for her actual figure.

          Also she often wears waistbands too high so she won’t have to size up, as she’s smaller at the bottom of her rib cage than at her natural waist. The fact that the skirt buckles and puckers over her abdomen (cf. the ufgly black DKNY skirt, the white tennis skirt posted a couple of posts ago, etc.) doesn’t bother her, I guess, because she’s delusional.

    • Queen Neferteeri says:

      She also has terrible eating habits and doesn’t exercise, so she has zero muscle tone, which looks even flabbier. Plus, she seems to have put on some weight in recent months.

  16. MY Beach Home says:

    Although I loved it because I am sure it killed JA, what the hell was with the “women of a certain age” comments during the intro – JA is 31, Amy is 34, Emily is a little older I think, not sure – but being in your early 30s is not crazy old to be dating and jesus, women don’t expire and become spinsters when they turn 30. Cripes.

    • Malformed Face (Like a Bloated Deli Ham Left in a Hot Mercedes C Class) says:

      My guess is that is who the audience for the show is so they were trying to appeal to them – all the questions seem to be about older women, so I am guessing they were specifically making everything about their demographic.

    • Albie Quirky says:

      Emily’s 41 or 42 and the other two look that age. That said, one of my best friends married a sweetheart of a man who is also a movie-star-handsome triathlete when she was 42. He’s also a great dad; they were just over with their adorable baby yesterday.

      She had a cat! In your face, Amy!

    • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

      being in your early 30s is not crazy old to be dating

      However old I live to be, I hope I’m feisty enough to still be going on dates.

      • Barking Mad, Intel Advisor says:

        OMG I am over 60 and still maintain a waiting list at times. I think it’s largely just maintaining a spirit of adventure which I am sure you will not lose!

  17. Lazy and Crazy says:

    CRICKETS after that horribly crass and off-key orgasm “joke.”

    I’d kill to hear the banter in the control room about her.

    • Albie Quirky says:

      Heh heh he h, I bet you’d hit it, Joe.

      I’d hit it with my pickup truck, maybe.

  18. Lazy and Crazy says:

    SHE’S NOT A JOURNALIST! STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT!

    At least call her a “dating columnist” or Greg forbid a “columnist” (WHICH IS STILL A LIE!).

    Oh this is the thing that gets me. THIS really fucking gets me. STOP. CALLING. HER. A. JOURNALIST.

  19. JFA says:

    Ugh just watched the video. Of COURSE Amy Laurent loves the men in Greenwich. They are rich. I seriously cannot stand that hose beast. That segment was painfully fucking dumb.

  20. cola champagne says:

    I wish they would have put Jeff Lewis on with the 3 women tonight. I have the sads. :(

    • jane says:

      oh my god YES

    • pearipathetic donkey says:

      My hope was that Julia would get enough notoriety to go on some reality all-stars type show like the apprentice and get torn a new one by someone. Too bad she is too damn boring, pathetic, loserish, etc. for that to happen.

  21. Peltergeist says:

    Their tv segment was just… pathetic. Not even funny or enraging, just pathetic. Kathy Lee and Hoda gave some pretty solid advice on how to meet people and these “dating experts” sounded like bumbling harpees.

    • Peltergeist says:

      Also, Julia is totally that pain in the ass in college who had to raise her hand during a lecture just to make a statement that she thought sounded mildly intelligent, with no question attached. When the viewer asked how to approach moving in with her bf, Julia’s “advice” was to name-drop an author and repeat that she thinks all women are liars? And then take an opportunity to talk about her alleged sex life for no apparent reason? Very helpful.

  22. One Fat Melman says:

    Hey there you all-natural beauty…oh wait.
    [img]http://i45.tinypic.com/25t8daq.png[/img]

    • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

      Greg-dammit, you fat fatty mcfat Melman! I scream-grabbed exactly this one & was adding a “NO DOUBT!” overlay on the 2nd chyron, but ya beat me to it.

    • JFA says:

      She def looks spraytanned.

    • Tremendous Liar; Donkey Repugnant says:

      Did anyone else know it was even possible to add chins this quickly?

  23. Finally posted my dissertation-length blog post take down of the Donkey and all of her ridiculous BS. Fellow cat ladies and cat dudes, I know this is nothing you don’t already know, but please enjoy: http://thetsaritsasez.com/2012/07/fame-whoring-blogging-v-journalism.html

    • iblow4shoes says:

      Generally speaking, we love watching talentless hacks on television because seeing their buffoonery makes us feel better about the less than pleasant things we have to deal with in our own lives…

      Not me. I just think she is a horrid person.

      • Well, that too. Generally speaking, or perhaps I’m speaking from a personal perspective, I think a lot of people watch reality shows like Jersey Shore or Miss Advised because the cast members are dumb and it’s an escape to watch silly people in grand situations.

        • iblow4shoes says:

          I don’t watch reality shows, unless the cooking channel counts. I refuse to watch Baugher’s train wreck, and just enjoy the updates here. I kind of took your broad statement and narrowed it to JAB, the focus here. I did enjoy reading you post very much though.

        • Queen Neferteeri says:

          The Jersey Shore buffoons don’t seem to be bad people. That’s the HUGE difference.

    • Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

      Excellent piece! Expect a Donkey blasting soon!

    • So. Blessed. says:

      [img]http://blueskiesabove.us/pics/gifs/busey_clapping_hypno.gif[/img]

    • Can-Swiss says:

      Well said!

    • Barking Mad, Intel Advisor says:

      Well done! I also like your photos of interesting bits and pieces.

    • Downward Spiral Donk (formerly) Cocoloco says:

      Great read: I think blogging is to journalism as American Idol is to real artists. There are a few diamonds in the rough but most are just awful and should never see the light of day.

    • Helena (Pterodactyl Trallala) says:

      Very nice, Tsaritsa. I also like your photography, some of the pictures are, if I may quote Pharoahe Monch, cooler than fuck. I’ll be back to your blog to read and view more.

      • You absolutely may quote the great Pharoahe Monch! Taking snappies is my hobby, but San Francisco makes it easy. There’s so much wonderment to photograph.

        And thank you so much, I’m really glad my fellow kitties are enjoying the post :)

  24. BrayDotCom says:

    Husbcat hasn’t followed Julia’s antics in years but he paused in front of the tv when I was watching the “Julia and witches” episode. Seeing her in front of her laptop he commented “wow, someone actually ended up giving her a MacBook air after all!” Point of story, if he remembers that… the stink is never going to wash off this donkey.

    In other basement dweller news, I’m in the catfamily way and resolutely determined to make sure I raise a kid in whatever way will make them NOT turn out like Joolz. Girl or boy, my catbaby isn’t getting PB kids furniture, won’t wear tutus or dancers buns outside of dance class, and will be writing his or her school newspaper articles on their own!

  25. So. Blessed. says:

    ‏@markzito @juliaallison and I, friends since 07. J asked me to take a pic of her w/ a pearl necklace. I was happy…then sad.
    [img]https://p.twimg.com/Ayf9cAsCcAAWm0W.jpg[/img]

    I am sad as well. What in the hell is that dress? Something from the Britney Spears Toxic video?

    • Malformed Face (Like a Bloated Deli Ham Left in a Hot Mercedes C Class) says:

      Tit Thrust extraordinaire!

    • Malformed Face (Like a Bloated Deli Ham Left in a Hot Mercedes C Class) says:

      Her legs! Ghastly xtra large ball park franks being squeezed out of a tube.

    • There is a Situation on Your Face Girl (and fug on your feet) says:

      It looks like a dress found at Cache. Not a good look.

      • Downward Spiral Donk (formerly) Cocoloco says:

        She dresses so poorly I think that’s part of the reason for costumes. Like on WHHL last night, it was asked what Meghan was wearing, she later tweeted it. It’s an average bridge line designer (and how do you not know what you are wearing?). When people ask J to the A she can usually just laugh and say it’s the latest from the court jester collection and pretend it’s expensive.

    • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

      Know what I hate even more than asymmetrical dresses & blouses?
      I hate dresses or blouses w/ large cutouts over the chest*.
      I also frigging hate cutouts in sleeves.

      (*exception being a tank I have where the trim has a small keyhole as part of the design & which, btw, I know rules out the wearing of a gregdam necklace)

    • virgil reid says:

      god her teeth! what is wrong with them??

      • Princess WideStance says:

        The teeth are out of control. I’m pretty sure her dentist installed rabbit teeth. They’ll just keep growing til she eats some veggies.

        • Stinky Velour Couture says:

          huge Chiclet teef—-more worrisome than the body or bum. Ginormous—and LAWhite

    • Malformed Face (Like a Bloated Deli Ham Left in a Hot Mercedes C Class) says:

      Wow, be careful not to stare into that Wonk Eye too long.

    • Oh wow, is that tweet real? I’d be sad, too, if I knew her old face and now had to look at this scary mug.

    • Albie Quirky says:

      I want to stage a “Carrie”-like intervention where we throw measuring tapes at her while chanting “Size it up! Size it up!”

    • JFA says:

      I’m wondernig when she will figure out she doesn’t have nice legs.

    • Life is unfair says:

      This Mark Zito?

      Wasn’t this episode the origin of “I am not random?”

      http://rebloggingdonk.com/2009/07/20/julia-allison-artist-bitch-whore/

      • JFA says:

        That interview is really the gift that keeps on giving. She is SOOOO delusional and bitchy and crass and in love with herself during that entire thing. It’s awful/awesome.

      • Not! Random! says:

        You rang?

    • Albie Quirky says:

      I think he was trying to make the joke that he was sad because she did not actually want him to jack off onto her. Ew.

    • Meow Mix says:

      Please tell me that’s her ginormous pink Vera Bradley duffel bag down there. Oh honey, the only people who should carry those are sorority girls home for Thanksgiving break. Enormous cloth bag with busy pattern does NOT go with your awful fembot dress.

      The dress! THE DRESS! Worst neckline ever! And I love the matched vinyl shoes and vinyl dress, along with the plastic pearl necklace and bracelet that are the same shade of white as her other accessories. AWFUL.

    • Dr. Gary says:

      Good LORD, she is fug.

      Her face looks like it’s filled with plastic.

      Those teeth!

      And WTF is up with her thighs? Does she gain all her weight in her thighs? How is that even possible? She really has the most unfortunate body.

    • juliaspublicist's rococo pile of polyester juliaspublicist says:

      She’s a stewardess from the Jetsons, and she’s sleeping with the pilot of the spaceship.

    • chesca says:

      i’m trying not to internalize the snark…cause i actually like the dress….

      • juliaspublicist's rococo pile of polyester juliaspublicist says:

        Really? Because all I can see is prostitute from The Fifth Element. Nice color, though.

        • chesca says:

          lol yeah, looks like i’m in the minority here, cause everyone else seems to hate it. i have this dress which is basically the same cut but in a pattern and it’s one of my favorites. [img]http://www.polyvore.com/cgi/img-thing?.out=jpg&size=l&tid=57415748[/img]

          • frequent liar mile says:

            Naw; that dress is cute. The graphic black pattern really makes it special, whereas Donk’s version just looks cheap and ill-fitting. Also, we can depend on you to refrain from accessorizing yours with a heap of white petroleum products.

          • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

            All I know to say, Chesca, is that you should rock your dress (as I’m sure you do!) & to hell w/ the fans in the ‘stans, ya know?

            I have a funky footwear fetish that I make no apologies for :-)

          • Little Orphan Lilly says:

            I might sound like a dick saying this, but I think you can wear a dress like that because you’re thin. That’s not a NO PRETTY DRESSES FOR FATTIES judgement, it’s just that some stuff automatically looks a bit pornier on women with bigger breasts, whereas on someone with a leaner frame it just looks arty and effortless.

            Of course, the porny aesthetic is probably why Julia’s wearing it…

      • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

        I like the color (just bought aqua-colored shorts)

  26. Malformed Face (Like a Bloated Deli Ham Left in a Hot Mercedes C Class) says:

    Greasy is going to be on tonight’s show.

  27. BeepBeepBoopBeepBeep. I Am A Robot. says:

    What’s the time frame from filming-date to air-date? I guess I’m trying to figure out the real-life dating Jelly D saga from the reel-life dating Jelly D saga. How long was it before he jelly-rolled out of her life…for realz.

    • Malformed Face (Like a Bloated Deli Ham Left in a Hot Mercedes C Class) says:

      Not sure when he rolled out – but there were Christmas decorations up when they did the prom at the dive bar and it seems they spent New Year’s Eve together…

  28. JFA says:

    I love how she advises people to find dates on twitter/fb instead of dating websites, like that’s such a great and renegade idea because no one is doing it. She says it twice she is so proud of it. In my experience I have met zero dates on FB, and I’ve had dozens over the years from dating sites (and met my current bf on one). She does everything wrong.

    You are not twitter/FB girl. Give it up. Everyone uses this shit now, even my moms. It’s not original. I can’t!!!!!!11

    • Tonyamichaela says:

      The problem is that most people don’t list their relationship status on Facebook, so the probability is high that you could send a message to someone who already has a girlfriend and, adding to your embarrassment, who you share mutual friends with. If some chick who I vaguely knew was sending messages to my boyfriend, I would be so pissed at her! Julia’s skill at burning bridges is really impressive. I think she has to resort to Facebook stalking to find dates because no one asks her out anymore.
      Also, most people don’t have their privacy settings open, so it’s not that simple to browse Facebook to meet new people. I know two people who met on Facebook and are still together, but that was 8 years ago when Facebook was much more open. They are both weird shut-ins who would probably both still be single if she hadn’t sent him that first message all those years ago.

      • Malformed Face (Like a Bloated Deli Ham Left in a Hot Mercedes C Class) says:

        But also, she approached two guys (that we know of) on FB that both lived out of town. Like Menace said when she described approaching Jelly D, “I’m coming to SF, are you around?” – this sounds like hooking up, not dating. What guy wouldn’t be amenable to that, before the crazy is revealed?

        Julia leads with sex (“Your pictures turn me on”) and then delivers nothing but psycho so that’s why these guys quickly get turned off.

        • pearipathetic donkey says:

          Especially because she is always posting photos from years ago when she was hot. Of course a young twentysomething guy will wanna meet/fuck you. Its also no surprise that they dump her quickly after.

      • Queen Neferteeri says:

        If some chick who I vaguely knew was sending messages to my boyfriend, I would be so pissed at her!

        But if your boyfriend doesn’t make his status clear, it’s not really the other woman’s fault.

  29. Can-Swiss says:

    So we get a nice view of Julia’s bad side. What is the deal with the Wonk-Eye? It’s worse than I thought.

    Also, she looks like the big Kardashian sitting next to those tiny ladies. You know, the one that looks like a Yetti.

    Also that dress and accessories. Only Julia Allison can wear “old lady” and “whore” together.

  30. Google Keyword Miss Advised says:

    Since the week begins on either Sunday or Monday depending on which convention one uses, legalese suggesst she started ‘seeing’ this guy either Sunday or Saturday night.

  31. princess sparkle fart says:

    OMG. Look at the title for the Meghan bit on WWHL last night

    http://www.hulu.com/watch/383241#s-p1-sr-i0

    Diss Advised!

    • Sacred Scrapbooks says:

      * drops phone *

    • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

      I was just coming here w/ that!
      (still trying to find the epi of WWHL)

    • CaptainGary says:

      I mean, I’m no super genius – just a regular one, I suppose – but I thought this might be the course that would be taken when I heard Mega was on WWHL the night before Julia. Think what you will about Andy Cohen – it sure seems like he knows what side his bread is buttered on. He knows that Julia’s been name-dropping Pancakes like crazy, so I’m sure that’s big reason why he had Mega on. And, frankly, he does NOT seem to care for Julia at all, which is probably why he gushed over Mega after the show, to wind up our Donks just that much more.

      The best part is that I’m sure she never saw this coming. Which is ridiculous.

      • Malformed Face (Like a Bloated Deli Ham Left in a Hot Mercedes C Class) says:

        We’ll see. If he wimps out tonight then these theories, sadly, will be incorrect. Hope you’re right.

      • Downward Spiral Donk (formerly) Cocoloco says:

        He’s a fame whore who was so excited to be that close to “American Royalty” that he almost forgot that he doesn’t like Senator McCain since he’s against same sex marriage. I agree he does know what side his bread is buttered and is desperately trying to elevate his status (sould like anyone we know?) I think he’ll be rude or outright dismissive to JA. He usually lobbs softballs but his new BFF was not happy with Bravo an expressed so last night.

    • juliaspublicist's rococo pile of polyester juliaspublicist says:

      OMG HOUSEWIFE LADY SHUT THE FUCK UP, Meghan was talking!

      • Malformed Face (Like a Bloated Deli Ham Left in a Hot Mercedes C Class) says:

        THAT WAS THE BEST!

        “It’s quite embarrassing”

        Yes, yes it is Meghan.

  32. Jungle Area says:

    Posted in the wrong thread! They came back on at around 3:30 on channel 4 (NYC)… It really wasn’t too bad, it’s just that her face looks so awful. :( The other two looked completely normal. They did give her the side eye here and there. She really tries to come off as quirky but it’s not working.

  33. It floats! It floats! says:

    Wasn’t Julia kissing Mindy Kaling’s ass not too long ago? This is a quote from Mindy regarding her character on the office.

    “I’ve always thought that Kelly was probably the one on ‘The Office’ who was the most into reality television,” she said. Maybe, she said, Kelly will “move to L.A. under some feeling that she would become a big star, and it would all blow up in her face.”

  34. Downward Spiral Donk (formerly) Cocoloco says:

    She must have paid her minions to say something nice.

    http://theawesomecave.com/why-guys-should-watch-miss-advised/

    • Jack the Bulldog says:

      “Julia, like all women, craves excitement.” I shut this down when the geek ginge from hell posted a video of himself as audition date.

      • LOL, give him a break, he’s a lonely Canadian. I say lonely because he considers JA to be a ‘catch.’ LOL

        The line “lying about voting for Obama so you can seem cool, but voting for Mitt Romney so your dad can get more tax breaks so you can buy more fucking clothes…” hahahaha

      • Downward Spiral Donk (formerly) Cocoloco says:

        I did laugh under Amy’s picture he put “Working Girl” hahahah

  35. juliaspublicist's rococo pile of polyester juliaspublicist says:
    • Dr. Gary says:

      Woo Hoo!

      Can’t wait to see your tweets to Andy Cohen tonight.

    • A Donkey is an Ass says:

      “Unrepentant wetback beaner faggot and donkey enthusiast. ”

      Classic.

    • Downward Spiral Donk (formerly) Cocoloco says:

      “threw shade” is my new favorite line! Tonight is going to be ah-mazing! I’m guessing she’s been drinking since the Today show right on through to WWHL.

    • pearipathetic donkey says:

      I’m glad you set Toilet Julia straight!

    • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

      I’d barely read any of that when my cat swiped my newly-arrived vintage watch off the table & onto the quarry tile floor … grrr! Yelling at her, calling her a ‘greg-damned unrepentant beaner faggot ass-fucker tuna whore’ felt really good.

    • Malformed Face (Like a Bloated Deli Ham Left in a Hot Mercedes C Class) says:

      HYSTERICAL!

  36. rankles the jankles says:

    Julia Allison ‏@JuliaAllison
    WORLD PREMIERE of @JuliaPriceMusic’s single, “The Checklist Song!” (yes, she wrote it about me!). DL it on iTunes now:

    • Malformed Face (Like a Bloated Deli Ham Left in a Hot Mercedes C Class) says:

      Wow, Toilet Julia is such a scheming loser. Is it really worth is, Toilet?

    • Malformed Face (Like a Bloated Deli Ham Left in a Hot Mercedes C Class) says:

      I am dying, DYING – this song, OMG cringeworthy – “You might like fancy homes and know what home design is.” WTF???? Have a full head of hair, love dogs “especially Lillllllllllllllly,” be amazing in bed, have a sexy car, play tennis.

      Dear Greg, what a shallow Donkey.

      • Malformed Face (Like a Bloated Deli Ham Left in a Hot Mercedes C Class) says:

        You can play a snippet of this insufferable song, no I did not pay for it.

      • Malformed Face (Like a Bloated Deli Ham Left in a Hot Mercedes C Class) says:

        “*must like fancy homes”

      • CDB says:

        is there a line about north facing windows and luxury caulk?

  37. Downward Spiral Donk (formerly) Cocoloco says:
    • Malformed Face (Like a Bloated Deli Ham Left in a Hot Mercedes C Class) says:

      Um, wow, everyone hates this show!

      • Downward Spiral Donk (formerly) Cocoloco says:

        Hysterical-everyone wants it gone!

        Someone (ahem) needs to tweet Andy and ask why they think so many people hate the show!

        • Jennifer says:

          Agree Agree Agree!!! Bravo Andy epic fail with this horrible show…Emily seems ok but HATE the polyamory angle…never even knew that term until this utter failure from Bravo

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