OK, tonight is a special occasion here at The Angry Hater Club. Julia’sPublicist has joined Twitter (ERRR, update, perhaps not!) and he intends to TWEET THE SHIT OUT OF HIMSELF TONIGHT!
And Greasy is making an appearance on tonight’s show. Finally, our questions will be answered: Is he truly a mouth-breather? Or does he only photograph like one?
Check this space for frequent updates as the show progresses. Also, I don’t care about Amy and Emily so much — my posting will be mostly Donk-centric. The other two bore the SHIT out of me.
UPDATE: The two Julias are holding a dinner party. “My ex-boyfriend Taylor is coming! He’s not just my ex, he’s my best friend!!!” And she’s waxing about Andrew and how much she’s into him.
Whoa, TAYLOR DIDN’T LIKE MY LAST BOYFRIEND? Pancakes, thrown under the bus again???
Also — she just admitted she will never let go of her ex-boyfriends. “If you loved them once, why would you want to say good-bye to them??”
UPDATE: Amy is meeting Tina Pray re: match-making. I don’t know what this means. Who is she? Sorry, fatties, I NEVER watch TV and in fact I don’t even OWN a TV because I come from a family of towering intellectuals (p.s. That is a lie)!! And they are not liking each other; Tina Pray doesn’t like Amy’s advice, Amy is calling her an “alpha female.” Zzzzzzzzzzzzz. Bring back the Donkey Cray.
UPDATE: Now we’re on Emily. She is with the tall gorgeous blonde friend. They seem normal and are talking about their sex lives and how Emily gets so much and Blondie doesn’t and biological clocks. And they are boring me.
Finally, we’re back onto Planet Donkey.
And the dinner party is getting under way. And now she’s on the phone to poor harassed JellyD, asking why he’s not here. She’s nagging. “How could I not take it personally??” “I wish you were as into me as much as I am into you!” Toilet Julia is telling her to calm the fuck down.
“I want him here!” “Can we talk tomorrow?” she whinges into the phone.
Donk hangs up and tells TJ that her look of dismay is freaking her the BLEEP!! out. TJ tells her she needs to chill and stop pushing.
“Oh my God, I am totally going to fuck this thing up,” Donk admits.
UPDATE: Tina Pray and Amy are at some party; Tina refused to take her boots off. “You told me I was masculine!!” she says to Amy. “I was raised a lady!” Amy says she has a masculine energy. Tina says Amy is threatened by her. Amy says you can listen or you can stay single. DRAMA! Tina is now gunning for her at the party. I actually feel sorry for Amy right now; Tina seems angry and drunk.
Amy just threw a drink in her face, stormed off and now Tina Pray is screaming at her. “On my Armani?? GET A GODDAMNED NAPKIN and clean up your mess!!” Now Tina Pray is yelling at some other chick; they are all calling her psycho.
“Amy, I am firing you!” she shouts.
I am with Amy on this one; Tina Pray seems like a rage-aholic with a drinking problem spoiling for a fight. Next.
UPDATE: Tina Pray won’t leave Amy alone. She’s gone mental. Finally she left the party. Now some dude is playing some love music. He is not good, but he’s still better than Toilet Julia.
The guy is now asking Amy out. She says yes! But she’s not really attracted to him. “I am not feeling the highlights.” I agree, Amy.
Back to Emily. FOR GOD’S SAKE DON’T THEY KNOW WE NEED SOME GREASY?
Why is Menace so constantly insulting to Emily? He’s like the grade school boy who pulls your pigtails. Shut up, FatFace. Leave Emily alone!
UPDATE: GREASY IS HERE! And immediately she is nagging his ass to hold the dog so she can take a picture. He is not pleased. He looks a bit Robert DeNiro-ish. She’s yammering and yammering onto people about her dating life; they can’t get a word in edgewise.
Now she’s telling Taylor she pushes JellyD, she is pushy, and he’s agreeing. She says that Jack said she pushed him too much too. She asks Taylor if she’s a bad girlfriend. He basically says yes. She brays loudly about it being a terrible answer, and slugs him.
“Dinner was delicious and everything was perfect. But I miss him,” she says. HOLY SHIT, the doorbell rings and I think he shows up and she falls down on the ground braying in disbelief and joy. THEY HAVE BEEN ON ONE FREAKING DATE, for the love of Christ!! GET SOME HELP, braying jackass!
UPDATE: Menace is a dick. Emily should not hang with this douche.
UPDATE: OMG they just showed a preview for next week. Donkey tells JellyD she thinks she’s falling in love with him, he looks uncomfortable, she is sobbing, AND THEN SHE FUCKING SLAPS HIS FACE!! Rage issues, mental illness, holy holy holy shit!! Get some help, CrazyPants!
UPDATE: Holy shit, everyone is really embarrassed as Donkey rolls around on the floor braying and screaming. ONE DATE, people. ONE DATE. He’s not her husband returning from Iraq after a three-year mission! The guests are really, really uncomfortable. Poor, poor JellyD. He is frightened by her reaction.
She has manhandled him twice. Toilet Julia is singing the checklist song. He looks even more frightened. The dudes at the party look horrified for him. He looks increasingly panicked.
Now they are alone and talking. She’s saying sorry for pressuring him. “I feel like I have a connection with Andrew that I haven’t had in years with a guy.” Now she’s asking him to stay. OMG SEXY TIMES WITH A DONKEY!
UPDATE: Now Emily is at her therapist’s because of fucking FatFaced Menace. There’s nothing wrong with Emily. She needs to get the hell out of there. There’s nothing wrong with not wanting marriage and kids. Leave Emily alone! Now she’s about to cry about her late father and is suggesting she sleeps around to fill the void left by her father. No, that is bullshit. She seems to really enjoy her life! She’s happy! Leave her alone!!!
Now we’re back to Amy. Some male pal is getting her coffee. I don’t know who the hell he is. I don’t care. Highlights Guy is here. Off they go to pick apples. They are driving and talking. Zzzzzz. Get back to CrazyPants. Hopefully the men in the white coats are showing up soon.
Also, remember when Donk emailed RBD and said JellyD was a “good kid” but they only dated a few times. AND NOW HERE SHE IS FREAKING THE FUCK OUT ABOUT BEING IN LOVE AFTER ONE DATE! LIAR!!! BULLSHIT QUEEN!!!
UPDATE: Amy bought a pie and intends to eat it. “Everyone needs a cheat day.” Now they are frolicking with barnyard animals. She actually is having a good date. Oh dear — she didn’t know what venison was, and asked where it was. Highlights Guy is piggy-backing now! “Put the rules away,” says Highlights Guy.
UPDATE: The Amy date is kind of cute. They are actually picking apples now. She wants to eat pumpkin pie. Things are looking up for Amy; she’s tucking into the pie. They are actually hoovering pie. I am proud of poor eating-disordered Amy. Chow down! She is glad she didn’t cop out of the date and likes Highlights Guy. Don’t fuck it up, Amy!
Jesus, we aren’t returning to Planet CrazyMotherfucking Lunatic. The show is over!!! But previews show Donk clinging to him and telling her she missed him and raising the L-word while he looks terrified. Next week is going to be awesome!
UPDATE: Now onto Andy Cohen’s show!
Emily looks great. Julia’s eyes are missing, she’s in pink and is wearing a tiara. Amy looks a bit scared. Donk is presenting Andy with a present; tiaras. He puts on the rainbow one as she BRAYS VERY LOUDLY.
Now he’s making fun of Amy’s phone sex voice.
“Do you ladies ever cringe when you see yourselves?” he asks. They all say yes.
Wow, Donk’s teeth. They are so really, really large and prominent.
UPDATE: Andy says Miss Advised has provided some of the most awkward moments in TV history. Twitchy. Donkey falling on the floor braying and shrieking. Amy getting dumped. Toilet Julia singing the checklist song. Amy refusing sex with Twitchy.
Andy: “If Julia doesn’t get what she wants, she begs for it.” Now they are running clips of her begging people for things, kisses, attention, sleepovers, etc. The worst part is — she seems to be loving the attention. She seems truly delighted with herself.
Her eyes. Jesus.
“What do you think about what she said on the show last night?” Andy asks.
“Meghan set me up with Jack. And I love her to death. And I adored him! I know her family isn’t super-thrilled right now. He wasn’t engaged when we filmed this!!!!” Yada yada yada. Spin away, asshole donkey.
Amy at least has the dignity to act embarrassed about her behavior with Lewis. Unlike Julia, who was seriously thrilled when they played her most embarrassing moments. Amy and Emily both look good. I might be biased because they both just said Julia is the most desperate. Also — her eyes are still missing. She used to have eyes. She no longer does.
Jesus, how much longer does this go on, my wrists are sore and my ears are bleeding from the braying.
UPDATE: God, we are back and her eyes are still pissholes in the snow with eyeshadow applied on the lids.
As for the Real Housewives. Donk: “I want to turn lesbian to be with Carol.” Dead silence from the audience. Asshole.
“Do any of you follow your own advice?” Andy asks.
“Not really, no,” says Donkey.
OMG, she just brayed PROMMMMM and again, no one laughed. She is explaining how she approached JellyD. Amy says it’s not a good idea to approach someone on Facebook. Hire a matchmaker, Amy says, self-servingly.
Donk’s teeth are AS HUGE AS HER EYES ARE MINUSCULE.
She cannot stop contorting and braying and trying to dominate the conversation. She is loud and obnoxious. Amy is embarrassed for her. Please, she seems to be signalling, SHUT THE FUCK UP.
UPDATE: Julia says she doesn’t regret anything from the show but wouldn’t do those things again. Andy just mistakenly called Amy Julia. Amy gave him a look like: “Oh no you did not.” Julia says she’d date a barely legal guy. We know, idiot pedophile-y donkey.
Some game is being played and it’s stupid. Andy clearly loves Amy best. He even just told her he loved her. Donkey must be fuming. Instead, she’s yelling and mugging and making faces and mincing and braying.
Wow, she is just so not funny. She made a joke about Scientology contracts and again, no one laughed. Her always-off-base sense of humor is now apparent to the world.
Please let this be over. Please. Is it over? How much longer? Jesus, I am going deaf from the braying.
UPDATE: Some cute skinny blonde chick is singing badly, some disco-y song. Donk is doing the gang signs in the back and looking at the tiny and cute chick with disgust.
OH GOD, Julia just won the poll as the crazy cunt most likely to get married soonest. WRONG. W-R-O-N-G. Wrong wrong wrong. But she will take that to the bank and bray about it for weeks.