The Miss Advised Episode Five Recap, Sourced From Your Comments and Julia Allison’s Breathtakingly Self-Indulgent Bravo Blog Post

Last night, to the delight of millions, Bravo aired yet another episode of Miss Advised, a documentary series produced by the late Nora Ephron, who, in what would be her final interviews, lovingly described the program as her “deeply personal tribute to women everywhere who embody feminism’s ideals.”

And I didn’t watch it.

But since I am now unemployed, hate blogging is essentially my job now, so I must not neglect my sacred duty of chronicling an exhaustive wealth of character-damning evidence for the inevitable murder and/or animal cruelty trial. (Plead insanity, Julsie! We will all totally believe it!) So allow me to cobble together an episode recap based on what I am able to surmise took place based on your aghast expressions of revulsion and horror on our open thread and Julia’s masturbatory treatise on her clinically disturbing refusal to grow the fuck up. (Seriously, you could almost smell her lady juices dripping off that dribble.) So, you’ll forgive me if I just start making shit up. Don’t burn me at the stake or anything if I am wrong. It’s not like I’m a journalist or anything, seeing as that my writing has only appeared online and not in print.

From what I can gather, Julia continued to mistakenly believe that it was a good idea to act like a shrieking, developmentally stunted lunatic on national television. Step 1: Incite a nationwide exodus of penis blood. Step 2: Oh, who the hell knows?  No one can seriously expect this husky nincompoop to think that far ahead. She’s either looking into her warped mirror or leaching onto her already traumatized ex-boyfriends like a soul-sucking dybbuk, or she is romanticizing the period of her life when she was an awkward-looking, roundly hated, spoiled tramp. (To clarify, I mean high school.)

That seems to encapsulate the episode for me, but since recaps require things like plot summaries and details, I’ll press on.

Let me see, Julia’s decade-long quest to be the inspiration for a dozen or so supremely stupid women who use Twitter sputtered forth this week by continuing to delude audiences into believing that Julia had this thing called a “job” during filming. Because I guess watching some chick loaf around in her apartment all day wearing tensely stressed yoga pants would make for horrible television.

Oh, wait.

So, yes, Julia has this job. At Elle. As a dating columnist. Which she got all on her own. With her solid record of intelligent, insightful reporting on man-woman machinations and other journalismy things. And the glowing references of her former employers. As I have said before, just go with it. I learned after the first episode that if you want to avoid a massive head injury from repeatedly bashing your head against a brick wall, you simply must accept the unabashed pathological lies as “tools for entertainment.” Kind of like Mike Daisey and that Apple/FoxConn thing, but with horrible, horrible ladies.

So now that we got that out of the way, JULIA IS SUPER STRESSED ABOUT HER JOB, YO! You know, the job where her sole responsibility is to take advantage of several months of lead time to string together a few hundred words wherein she simply has to describe events as they happened to her, events that are already conveniently written down and described by reality show story editors. Basically, her job is to deliver the equivalent of a “My Summer Vacation in Pound Town” report on the first day of school, which incidentally is something she totally would have done. This is the same obnoxious Scarlet Asshole who wrote an opinion piece that championed the acceptance of co-ed sleepovers for horny teenagers in HIGH SCHOOL, a controversial piece that appeared in her high school newspaper IN PRINT, which I guess makes her some sort of Dookie Harlot of journalism, which begs the question: Exactly what is she having a pretend emotional breakdown about again if she’s been a “journalist” for what amounts to nearly half her life?

I have no idea. Like, I said. I didn’t watch the show, but what I got from all the air that she was blowing up her own ass over on the Bravo website is that she is so impassioned about writing (um. . . err. . . whatnow?) that when it comes time for her to write she almost always completely in capable of writing. OK, then! She calls it “writer’s anxiety.”

My “writer’s anxiety” (which sometimes morphs into the more virulent and better known “writer’s block”) isn’t exactly a new phenomenon with me, but it’s gotten exponentially more severe in the last few years. It manifests as an almost debilitating concern over how others will perceive my words, leading frequently to procrastination and temporary paralysis over articles that (in theory) I *want* to do — subjects that are engaging and intellectually stimulating and even, dare I say, fun. [TRANSBRAYTION: Subjects known as “Julia Allison”]

I call it “being a lazy, talentless asshole.” Yes, Julia Allison loves the job so much that she absolutely hates doing the fundamental aspect of the job. Need I remind you that this is a career she “decided upon” from a limitless array of non-existent opportunities that would showcase her innumerable imaginary talents. I’m not even going to bother to mention the NON-EXISTENT WRITING CAREER.

And, yes, I’ll admit that writers often do experience paralysis when transmitting their words to a page. But, COME ON, it’s not like she’s reporting on some complicated and gravely important issue. It’s Julia Allison writing about Julia Allison, specifically about how monumentally screwed up she is. Jesus, Donks, just crib from here if it’ll make things easier for you. It wouldn’t be the first time you’ve committed plagiarism. Just quit it with the crocodonkey tears, asshole. Your eyelashes are frightening the children and arachnophobes who are already being subjected to unspeakable horror.

So yeah, if I am to believe from the collective “Bitch, please” that cried out from the internet last night, there was some hee-hawing and boo-hooing about who she can’t write her column and her column is going to be late. And she didn’t have “moving” to use as an excuse, because the only things that were moving during this time was a relocating Jack McCain and the injected Crisco in her face. OH NOES!

So to summarize: Julia Allison is cast in a reality show with a premise that operates on the roundly untrue supposition that she has a successful career as a dating columnist. She is then given an undeserved opportunity to write for the website of an actually internationally known fashion magazine. And all she has to do is write eight short blog posts about her favorite topic: herself. Plus, she has several months to transform the first drafts from me, me, me diary entries into intelligently written pieces that resonate with Elle’s online readers. In return, she is given a generous opportunity to showcase her talent, her writing, and her work ethic on widely distributed platform that, in theory, could lead to more lucrative opportunities. But from what I can recall despite my desperate attempts to erase the memory of this show from my brain, she immediately asked for an deadline extension for her first assignment, made a passing mention that she was incredibly late in meeting another deadline, and had a fake emotional breakdown about the possibility of missing of yet another.

So I’m assuming there are eight columns based on the number of episodes in Miss Advised’s first sole season. And she was late, thus far, for three of them, leaving five. Do me a favor and count to five using your hand. Now give yourself an exasperated faceplam on Julia’s behalf.

So, yes, Julia actually sucks at her imaginary job. But that’s not important. Who cares about being a mature, responsible adult when this episode is about two of Julia Allison’s favorite topics: the sparkly snowflake that is Julia Allison, and prom.

While Julia is all woe-is-hee-hawing about how difficult her job is, the latest charlatan in the Guinea Pig of Love Snakeoil Parade arrives at the shabby shit condo to butter up ol’ Butter Face. It’s apparently this dude who describes himself as a “mind architect” and “happiness expert.”

And made-up profession or no, you really have to hand it to Dolf Lundgren making such a drastic career change after the death of the 80’s action film. So while the past few “experts” have basically been all: “Wow, you are a gigantic psychotic asshole,” Dolf is all, “Yeah, you.” He still thinks that Julia is faker than her YSLs. How could he not? He was looking right at her face.  So from what I understand, he still called her out for her inauthenticity, but he’s, I don’t know, more happy about it? I’d read up a little more on what this guy actually does, but Julia’s link to her Elle column does not link to her Elle column, which, if I may be so allowed to attempt my very best Peter Pettigrew, “What the Elle is going on over there, amiright?”

I genuinely hope that Julia is seeing the thematic thread that is woven in all the advice she’s getting from these hucksters and devil worshippers — that she’s faker than her made up job, and that she is a gigantic asshole as a result. But I’m going to assume that all these people politely saying what we’ve been saying for years flew right over her gigantic head, because she had to run off to clip-in her plastic hair for her epic prom date.

Yes, Julia Allison had another prom-themed date. On national television. At the age of 31. With the face that makes her appear much, much older. And she wore her original prom dress. And claimed that it still fits after 13 years, causing Russian Girl to spit take her precious potato juice and say to her goat, “I have no the understands. She fat now.”

So apparently Julia’s date this week was with that DJ Jelly Roll dude, who we’ve heard so much about, specifically regarding Julia’s inauthentic portrayal of the seriousness of their relationship. Because it really was a storied love affair in which Julia visited him like three times and was chasing after that rich Mind Candy dude the entire time.

So, yeah, I don’t know. Maybe someone can fill me in. Apparently there was a lot of heehawing about how awesome prom is and she made Andrew rent a tux and there was yet ANOTHER limo, and I fail to think of a single situation outside of maybe a wedding where the average adult would rent one and not look like a tacky asshole. But we already know that Julia is a tacky asshole. Tralalalala all but said so. (And you just know she thought it. Particularly when she correctly thought better than to touch Julia’s greasy fake hair. Truly the finest moment in this entire documentary series.)

So yeah, apparently their prom date didn’t involve a prom. It just involved them dressing up like they were going to prom and roaming the streets looking like Looney Tunes fucktards. I’m guessing. Apparently they went to a food truck, where they got, I’ll just say tacos, before Bancroft stuffed Julia’s taco. Oh, and something about Julia being THAT ASSHOLE who stands outside the sunroof of a limousine screaming like a Banshee who had too many strawberry daiquiris. Oh, and she apparently got a kiss from Jelly Bean, but I am unclear as to whether or not she had to face rape him for it. I am not really sure on how the episode ends, but I guarantee you that a certain donkey wore out the batteries on her vibrator after the the cameras left for the day as she rode the orgasmic high of yet again forcing a dude to act out the fantasy of a reliving a night when she attended a cheaply catered high school dance where everyone danced to some Chumbawumba and everyone wished that someone would just knock that stupid bitch down and shut her the fuck up. Basically the train of thought of her fellow classmen was like what you are reading here but in the days before blogs got popular and everyone still used Angelfire. Because it was 1999, and that was 13 years ago, and someone needs to grow the fuck up already.

Yeah, I seriously don’t get her obsession with prom. Wasn’t she dumped right before it? For being an asshole? Since her prom obsession continues to confound me, I’ll just let Julia explain it herself, as I back slowly out of the room.

To me, prom is a moving art installation rife with opportunities for creative expression. It’s the first time in most people’s young lives that they have an opportunity to wear formal wear, for one. And there’s something special about a group of people — be they at a graduation or a dance or a charity event or a wedding — all dressed up with someplace to go, someplace reminiscent of 1950s Americana, like the Enchantment Under the Sea dance in Back to the Future or Betsey Johnson’s ‘50s prom-inspired collection. (If I were making the calls, prom would always be set in 1955. But with iPhone cameras.)

So Prom = Fancy White People and Julia is just the fanciest butter bean. Got it.

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320 Responses to The Miss Advised Episode Five Recap, Sourced From Your Comments and Julia Allison’s Breathtakingly Self-Indulgent Bravo Blog Post

  1. Aspen says:

    Havent seen the episode either, but this recapis brilliant.

    • Who do you think you are? says:

      Yeah, this is pretty much all I need to know.

      Somebody hire this guy for an actual writing job!

      • juliaspublicist says:

        This was the unedited draft!

        • says:

          Your editor was inside!
          Brillz JP. Bingo on the butter bean.

          • Handbag Cohen Stuffed With Hair says:

            I’m in love with JP and he is the real butter bean here.

          • juliaspublicist cried his rhinestone off juliaspublicist says:

            I honestly don’t know where that even came from. Is butter bean an actual thing? Like a white people thing?

          • Ass Baughers Syndrome says:

            Well, they are lyrics to a great B-52s song!

        • Dyspeptic says:

          butter beans is a southern thing. Black and white. Cracked me up. It’s a pale, plump bean.

        • juliaspublicist cried his rhinestone off juliaspublicist says:

          Which, Lord, I really, really need to edit this thing. It really goes haywire toward the end, but I was trying to wrap things up so I could take a trip to pound town.

          • The New Boyfriend says:

            Butterbean was a boxer from the 90’s. Too funny.[img],r:0,s:0,i:78&tx=49&ty=36[/img]

    • miss assvice says:

      Pics are up from Ep 5

  2. Scooby Don't says:

    1955….such a good year.
    I mean aside from the problems with uppity ethnics wanting to ride wherever they wanted on public transit (google Claudette Colvin. I bet she had a great prom) and the start of the Vietnam War (Official start date of US involvement is now considered Nov 1 1955
    Nabakov’s Lolita was also published that year, foreshadowing a Donkey’s fascination with acting underage and hitting on the underaged.

    • Tremendous Liar; Donkey Repugnant says:

      1955 was great! You could just ask the ethnic waiters for the corn, and nothing else was expected! Sadly, however, the Internet hadn’t yet been invented, so there wasn’t any creativity being expressed at all.

      PS: husky nincompoop.

      • Handbag Cohen Stuffed With Hair says:

        Take your corn and run from the ethnics, ho, and you’re STILL blameless.

  3. Grammarian says:

    first to say how awesome this post is

    • KS says:

      JP, by not watching you missed out on JellyD’s constant mockery of the date and the deliciousness of him telling Donkey she would grow up to be a “Creepy pageant mom”.

      Other than that, not much. Great article!

  4. stalker is the new fat says:

    This is my favorite part:

    Do me a favor and count to five using your hand. Now give yourself an exasperated faceplam on Julia’s behalf.

    But it’s all so fucking good.

    I hope you never get another job, in a good way.

  5. Helena (Pterodactyl Trallala) says:

    Many apologies for going so OT (in the beginning of what is no doubt going to be a long long string of awesome comments) and with something I already went OT with yesterday at that, but I’ve spent the past 20 hours in some kind of haze, fascinated by the subject and I just cannot make myself really care about Juera Alfersons’ latest misfortunes (although 1) I read the recap and it is brilliant, JP, and a great service to someone like me who’s never going to watch a single second of the show because there’s a scary donkey from hell on it, and 2) “moving art installation” bwa ha ha ha ha ha). Here it is:

    If there are any catwhores familiar with it, I’d love to talk. I’ve seen the first two episodes and will probably see the third before the end of this week. “15 Million Merits” was very good, but “The National Anthem” (that I saw last night) OMG I need to talk about it. Jane, I think you said you were watching “15 Million Merits” yesterday? Yes, Lady Sybil’s in it, but I must confess I didn’t recognize here. I just knew I had seen her before.

  6. Tribune Slingbacks says:

    moving art installation

    I guess I shouldn’t be surprised by how little she understands art at this point (“Mad Men is sexist”?), but… uh. I bet she thinks Anne Geddes is really cutting edge.

  7. Peltergeist says:

    She keeps saying things like “I’ve written over 300 articles in print.” Is that at all possible? She’s had several “weekly” columns, none of which actually made it to publication weekly and most of which were online. To get 300 weekly columns, she’d have to work about 6 years straight (HAR). She’s been in maybe 5-10 national magazines as a one-off. Where does she even get the balls to throw around that number? I know she’s counting everything she’s ever done in her life EVER, right down to the family Christmas newsletter, but still. Her misappropriation of being a journalist (and then never getting called out!) really pushes my buttons.

    • mule on rouge says:

      Legalese, catbunny…

      An article is a word (or prefix or suffix) that combines with a noun to indicate the type of reference being made by the noun.

    • Albie Quirky says:

      No. She also said she’s been on 8,000 dates. She is not so much for the maff.

      • Albie Quirky says:

        8,000 first dates, I mean. I am not so much for the English.

      • Peltergeist says:

        This is true. It just annoys me that her statements have become so easy to disprove (because she’s upped the ante and is now lying about things that have concrete evidence to the contrary) and yet nobody does it! And the way she’s repeating certain random facts over and over, it’s like she’s trying to bait people into challenging her. Which is really strange, because it’s pretty clear she knows she’s lying. Worrisome.

        • mule on rouge says:

          Speaking of worrisome, where’s Worrisome Pelts? That cat’s been missing for at least a week. And now Brayella is AWOL, too. Conspiracy theories, anyone?


  8. Peltergeist says:

    PS – looooove “crocodonkey”

  9. Albie Quirky says:

    My ego bows. This is a breathtaking rant of startling genius.

    • Malformed Face (Like a Bloated Deli Ham Left in a Hot Mercedes C Class) says:

      Ditto – I was howling through the whole thing!

  10. Peltergeist says:

    Did anyone catch where she licked her mascara off again? Why does she keep spitting on her face?

  11. Donkeycam Now! says:

    “I have no the understands. She fat now”.

    Still laughing.

  12. Donkeycam Now! says:

    My 2 cents on the less boring (i.e. non-Donkey) sections of the show:

    -Is every straight man in SF as creepy as Emily’s dates? Or is it just a set up so that she can go back to her high-school sweetheart in Michigan?

    -Menace (Emily’s sidekick) is a major-league a-hole. There was no need to repeat sixteen times,on the radio, that her kissing was no good .

    -Amy considered herself “dumped” after 2 dates? And moaned about how much time she wasted… after 2 dates??? Honey, it’s not like he took the best years of your life.

    -Amy, darling, if a man wants to go out with you on a Monday, and he takes you to a diner…. he dumped you already. An international matchmaker like you should know that by now.

    • Andy Whorehol says:

      Menace is a dickhead who probably prefers dick anyway. Like he’s some great prize!! I’d wager he hasnt gotten laid since high school and probably forgot how to kiss properly.

    • Menace was being a jerk, but I think he could also have been kidding. He probably has a crush on Emily? I thought that was mean, but she brushed it off pretty good.

      SF is full of weirdos, but there are plenty of “normies” here, too. Bros wearing Ed Hardy hang out at the Marina, but that’s not really Emily’s scene. It’s notoriously hard for straight single girls to date in SF, but it’s possible.

  13. heh. says:

    it would be a disservice for those of us with memories of this wilmette girl not to chime in.

    • Dr. Gary says:

      When is someone going to post high school photos of Julia Allison Baugher? I want to see a close up shot of the pre-surgery face/nose.

    • KS says:


      3:18 pm on Tuesday, July 17, 2012
      She is so unfortunate looking now. I feel so bad for her parents and what they must have been through. I assume she was in some sort of accident for her to look so different now. My heart goes out to her family.

  14. SchadenfreudianSlip says:

    I’m speaking to the Elle’s, Tribunes, Time Out NY’s and all other journalism distribution platforms.

    Read this. Then read anything ever written by Donkey.

    See what I’m saying? The author of this piece wrote this in no time at all and yet it is so far superior to anything the Donkey has ever scratched out with pen and paper, keyboard or otherwise.

    Stop hiring talentless hacks. There are really talented people in the world. Please, stop giving lazy, entitled, talentless, sociopathic losers second, third and hundredth opportunities.

    Thank you.

  15. I don’t get her obsession with prom, but plenty of well-adjusted adults do like to have what are called “punk rock proms.” They’re actual parties, with punch and fun dresses and tattoos. Definitely better than showing up at an empty dive bar in a rented tux.

    • mcakez says:

      This. I’ve been to several of such events. Silly dresses, lots of booze, and great bands.

      (Since you appear to be from SF, are you at all familiar with the SG proms that were a yearly event until very recently?)

      • Exactly– it’s a joke that everyone is in on, which makes it more fun.

        I’ve only been in SF for a few years (from Philly originally), but I do know that The Bold Italic throws a punk rock prom every so often. I wanted to go to the last one they had, but I think money was an issue for me at the time.

  16. ShesJustStupid says:

    This is how Donkey rolls:

    Guinea Pig of Love columns #1 and #2 were posted on Mondays (show day)
    Column #3 posted on Tuesday after show
    Column #4 posted on Wednesday after show
    Column #5…any guesses?

  17. Tonyamichaela says:

    Her hatred of “dinner and drinks” dates is so hideous. How else are you supposed to get to know someone? I wish she was forced to watch My Dinner with Andre, because she would hate it! I think her brain would explode.

    • LEFOOLIEH says:

      She straight up believes she deserves/is entitled to something bigger and better on every single date, but she unsurprisingly never actually gets that. Not to mention that her idea of what’s fun or what she deserves is always tacky as hell. Prom King was a “catch” because he had the cash and was willing to fully indulge her insane theme dates. Dinner/drinks is the norm, but Julie needs to be hyper-stimulated to have a good time because at her core she is just as boring as she claimed William was.

      Good conversation in a relaxed environment can be all you need, but no, she needs skydiving or fake prom to even have a good time. It conveniently takes a lot of the focus away from how the individual doesn’t actually have a damn thing to talk about. I’m sure William was boring — spend 2-3 hours in a limo with memememe conversation and you’d be “boring” too, since you’re just prepping for the escape from the situation.

      • pearipathetic donkey says:

        I always found it hilarious how the Prom King relationship fell apart when he started wanting dates where they would just talk. She hated that.

    • Tremendous Liar; Donkey Repugnant says:

      Personally, I think dinner and drinks can be quite exciting. However, I can see why Donkey hates it. Why would you go on a date focused on getting to know the other person???? We need theatrics in order to put the focus back on [contented sigh] meeeee.

      • Queen Neferteeri says:

        She also hates it because it makes it harder to hide her re-re cray-cray, where she can hide it better (or at least distract the guy for a while) on one of her zany theme dates.

    • Handbag Cohen Stuffed With Hair says:

      I’m going to polish My Dinner with Andre lunchbox in honor of this comment.

    • diluted brain says:

      I love dinner and drinks. I can see how she’d hate it since she probably bores the date to death talking only about herself or drinking too much and being obnoxious or talking too loud and having the waiter ask her to shut up.

  18. Lots of Bach says:

    Great post JP…btw would it surprise anyone if she was lying about fucking that dildo Donut?

    • Albie Quirky says:

      I can believe he might have hit it and quit it.

      I bet a year from now she’ll be claiming they talked about mawwiage. Which, legalese, they did on the show.

      • LEFOOLIEH says:

        Albz – right now, according to Toilet Julia, JellyD was “just an accessory”. Instead of the normal reaction of getting the f–k (see what I did there) out of dodge. JA needed to retweet this assessment by TJ, so he now has his own custom-made “after the show” excuse. Donks didn’t try to make that happen at all, y’all!

    • Malformed Face (Like a Bloated Deli Ham Left in a Hot Mercedes C Class) says:

      She is lying. She used her patent pending, “We were very serious™” on Emily’s radio show even though she only visited San Fran 3 times during the time of filming and it was leaked to the mods he only agreed to do the show to advance his Jelly D LOLcareer.

      Notice he hasn’t retuned any of her Twats and he didn’t even promo the show.

  19. Lots of Bach says:

    This show might not only kill Julia’s marriage prospects, it also is going to smack Amy Laurent’s matchmaking revenue right the fuck down. Personally and professionally a disaster of Hindenburgian proportions for those two twits.

    Emily might make it out of this okay I think.

    • Emily is the saving grace of the show. Her scenes are such a palate cleanser after watching all the obnoxious navel gazing and embarrassing cluelessness of the other “women.”

    • Malformed Face (Like a Bloated Deli Ham Left in a Hot Mercedes C Class) says:

      Not that I should care but really, what the fuck was Amy thinking?????? The only thing this could maybe, in a positive way do for her, is get her into mega MEGA therapy.

      As for her business – which really IS THE ONLY REASON TO DO THE SHOW, what a missed opportunity. Like Donkey, they both should have sat down with someone and been shrewd about outlining their goals for this show and then watched themselves carefully as they filmed the show to make sure they met those goals.

  20. Tremendous Liar; Donkey Repugnant says:

    The only references to the 1950s that Julia can think of are a movie from the 1980s and some dresses designed in the 21st century for her favorite label?

    Similarly, I think Spain under Franco was really cool and magical. I saw this movie set in that era in which this cute little girl goes on all these adventures with fairies (no homo), and adventures, and in the end, the girl turns out to be a princess!! Franco’s Spain seems fun.

    • Handbag Cohen Stuffed With Hair says:

      Do you know how well organized Germany was under the National Socialist Party? I really miss the days when everyone knew his or her place and did their calisthenics and the boys wore lederhosen without complaint.

    • bitchface says:

      my favorite thread-within-a-thread comment set EVER

  21. Wonky Donkey says:

    TVGasm recap:

    The driver opens the sunroof and they hang out the top. I remember my 19 year-old self thinking that was cool during season one of Laguna Beach, and the gang was going to a real prom because they were in high school and prom was an age-appropriate activity.

    • mule on rouge says:

      I’ve only read the tags so far, and I’m cracking up! One of them is Gringotts!!

      • A Donkey is an Ass says:

        When I saw A Donkey flop out of the sunroof, I thought of the movie “Big”. A 13 year old in an adult body, super-duper excited about being in a limo.

    • juliaspublicist cried his rhinestone off juliaspublicist says:

      I worship at the altar of Pilliana. However, I do take issue with this.

      And everyone knows regular smiley faces are beyond over. It’s all about the winks now ;- )

      Honey, no. Just no.

      ; /

    • juliaspublicist cried his rhinestone off juliaspublicist says:

      OMG died. I literally just died. I need to come up with better material.

      Julia refers to herself as Cinderella on crack. In my first recap, I included a picture from this episode that was shown in the season previews, and called her Cinderella on bath salts. After seeing the way she attempts to eat all her dates’ faces, I think my comparison was more accurate.

  22. JFA says:

    Her writing. Someone please help. Hold me. Seriously. I can’t anymore with her writing. It is that bad.

  23. Lots of Bach says:

    Greg, remember when some of us were so pissed that she landed this show? It seemed as though she was getting yet another totally undeserved opportunity while we toiled away at our own careers without much fanfare? (Well, me at least)

    • Albie Quirky says:

      I, too. It turned out to be all “Richard Cory” but with an asshole committing career suicide instead, though.

    • Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

      I don’t mean to blow my own horn, but didn’t I TELL YOU FUCKERS not to fret, that she would come off as the completely insane hosebeast that she is and we would be vindicated?


      • Princess WideStance says:

        Jacy, remember when we were all kinda worried that this place would be overrun with newbies? And that they wouldn’t be at the same level of wit and intelligence as our beloved cat ladies? lol. It’s just mostly been crickets.

      • newbie says:

        y’all are killing me today – two spittakes from one site…

  24. newbie says:

    “little string of farts….” I actually spit out my water! Such a horrible visual but SO SO funny. I, unfortunately, did watch the episode, but I think I’ll skip it next time and just come here instead.

    OH! and speaking of watching things, I went to youtube and watch a few episodes of tmi weekly, and all I can say is: they got paid for that?!?! it is the worst produced mess I’ve ever seen. The set is awful, the audio is awful, the chit chat is MIND NUMBING, and no one of those three girls is watchable. (especially that Mary, I actually wanted to slap her repeatedly after only about 30 seconds – where on earth did she end up?)

    I can’t believe any of this is real…

    • Rosalie says:

      Mary is CDB’s friend and she blogs over at She hasn’t changed. She is still a terrible speller and is exercise-obsessed.

  25. miss assvice says:

    The crazy shows right through


  26. Dr. Gary says:

    BRA-FUCKING-VO, Daddy.

    If some tv recap/review site was smart, they would snatch you up and put you on the payroll.

  27. Poor MC Jelly Donut– is he using her for a SAG card, or you think he fell for what she’s selling? He seems like a pretty cool dude, actually…

  28. Dr. Gary says:

    In the words of the great poet, Handbag:

    ‘adderall, percocet, adderall, percocet, adderall, percocet’:


  29. Fameless Shamewhore says:

    Has anyone commented on Donkey’s first outfit – the one she was wearing before she got changed? I mean, I get that the prom dress is a *thing* – yeah, a stupid, pointless, non-funny thing, but still, OK, it’s a gag…

    But her “normal” outfit – c’mon, what WAS that?!? Very high black hooker boots, nude tights, a mini-skirt in school-girl-cut and a fluffy sweater. What? Is wrong with her????? (I can’t stop adding question marks, I am just that amazed)

    • Fameless Shamewhore says:

      JFA-ing to ask whether someone can grab a pic?

    • Dr. Gary says:


      Thanks to Miss Assvice for all the screengrabs:

      • ShesJustStupid says:

        I just went through a bunch of those searching out photos of the bad side of her face. It’s remarkable how seldom it’s photographed, but, when it IS, she looks like a really different person. There’s one of her drinking in the limo and WOW.

      • Dyspeptic says:

        She did NOT wear those boots on the date with Jelly D!!! Noooooooooooooooo.

      • "40 lbs heavier, older, midwest" - Observations from an Agent says:

        Black suede thigh-high boots in LA in the springtime (when I assuming filming occurred?). Such a wise choice.

      • mule on rouge says:

        Again with that dirty canvas tote. We get it, your name is Julia. The last time I bought something with my name on it, I was in the 6th grade. It was a mini license plate for my bike. I never did put it on there.

      • There is a Situation on Your Face Girl (and fug on your feet) says:

        50 Shades of Fug.

      • It floats! It floats! says:

        Now this screengrab just makes me sad for those poor thigh high booties. They deserved a better life than this. They should be airing out in the courtyard of a retirement center somewhere, having reached their expiration date, trying to forget the days they spent on the clearance rack before being snatched up by some loudmouth with sweaty hooves. Instead they were faced with the humiliating task of masquerading as Fuck Me boots on a prom themed date with a dude who dresses like a donut and a woman who washes her makeup off with her own saliva. They deserved better than this.

      • CaptainGary says:

        Hey, what are you talking about? Those are great boots, according to no Angeleno since Julia Roberts in “Pretty Woman!”

        • Cola chamPagne says:

          I wanna see a make under. I want her fame to last long enough for that.

        • Tremendous Liar; Donkey Repugnant says:

          As I’ve suggested before, plenty of men date Julia Allison! They date her as being from 1994.

  30. mcakez says:

    Okay, I am working on paring down and structuring the chat gems, because there were many last night. I don’t want to go posting the unedited version of my Chat Golem, because that is what facebook is for.

    In the meantime, here was one of the best things that happened in chat last night:

    (7:23:13 PM) ProfFC: penetrative scrabble: you have to be penetrated…while putting down the tiles
    (7:23:15 PM) AlbieQuirky: “The experiments with the polyamorous bisexual who plays penetrative Scrabble”

    (7:23:26 PM) Stramash: “O-U-C-H”
    (7:24:35 PM) Stramash: “S-T-O-P-I-T”
    (7:24:38 PM) juliafoolia: PENETRATIVE DRAWSOMETHING
    (7:24:52 PM) AlbieQuirky: S-A-F-E-W-O-R-D
    (7:25:07 PM) juliafoolia: PENETRATIVE MONOPOLY
    (7:25:12 PM) juliafoolia: PENETRATIVE OPERATION
    (7:25:14 PM) Greg: PENETRATIVE RISK
    (7:25:15 PM) Bulimiabloatwithasideofbray: PENETRATIVE APPLES TO APPLES

    (7:25:17 PM) Stramash: “Then he’s all, ‘I challenge, that’s an idiomatic usage, it’s not one word.'”

    (7:25:19 PM) AlbieQuirky: Penetrative TWISTER
    (7:25:21 PM) juliafoolia: PENETRATIVE HUNGRY HUNGRY HIPPOS
    (7:25:30 PM) Bulimiabloatwithasideofbray: PENETRATIVE BATTLESHIP
    (7:25:34 PM) AlbieQuirky: The hippos will always be hungry…FOR PENETRATION
    (7:25:36 PM) juliafoolia: PENETRATIVE CLUE
    (7:25:39 PM) mcakez: PENETRATIVE LIFE. Wait, no.
    (7:25:43 PM) mcakez: shit just got real.

    (7:25:45 PM) Bulimiabloatwithasideofbray: PENETRATIVE TROUBLE
    (7:25:52 PM) Bulimiabloatwithasideofbray: with the pop-o-mattic bubble

    (7:25:52 PM) AlbieQuirky: Penetrative Clue would be the best–Col. Mustard with the candlestick

    (7:26:05 PM) Brayella: PENETRATIVE MR. POTATO
    7:26:16 PM) Bulimiabloatwithasideofbray: PENETRATIVE HI HO CHERRYO
    (7:26:17 PM) AlbieQuirky: Mr. Potato Head is already penetrative

    (7:26:33 PM) Bulimiabloatwithasideofbray: PENETRATIVE CANDY LAND
    (7:26:38 PM) mcakez: PENETRATIVE CHARADES
    :27:19 PM) Brayella: PENETRATIVE CAT’S CRADLE
    (7:27:20 PM) mcakez: PENATRATIVE DONKEY KONG. what now?!?!
    (7:27:28 PM) Greg: PENETRATIVE CRANIUM
    (7:27:53 PM) Brayella: PENETRATIVE LEAP FROG
    7:29:09 PM) juliafoolia: PENETRATIVE SORRY

    (7:30:49 PM) mcakez: dudebrah inputs ‘PENETRATIVE SOLITAIRE’

  31. Dr. Gary says:



    • Malformed Face (Like a Bloated Deli Ham Left in a Hot Mercedes C Class) says:


      Seriously… this face scares the fucking beejezus out of me.

  32. Dr. Gary says:

    Her ‘dancing’ gave me the Cankleshausen something fierce:


    • Albie Quirky says:

      Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh. It winces me. I am winced.

    • Princess WideStance says:

      Is she robot-ing?? Tell me she is not robot-ing.

    • Helena (Pterodactyl Trallala) says:

      Wow, time to pray to my Reinhard Heydrich poster for some peace of mind again.

      • Sacred Scrapbooks, Moving Art Installation says:

        So sad how he wound up as a car upholstery model.

        • Helena (Pterodactyl Trallala) says:

          Well played, SS. 🙂 It’s THE biggest WW2 story around here. I wrote a paper on it when I was 13.

    • Donkeycam Now! says:

      Yes! She is Elaine-from-Seinfeld bad and the place was empty: just Donkey shuffling her hooves around and the dude dragging that stool.

      So much canklehausen…..

      • mule on rouge says:

        That stool was a better dance partner. It was the only time the dude looked like he was having fun.

  33. How can she say she doesn’t understand California’s fashion middleground? Don’t jeans and a sweater qualify as being somewhere between crusty sweats and a ball gown?[img][/img]

    She should have worn that to pick up Jelly, instead of those hideous boots and mini skirt. She looked like a cross between an Applebee’s server and the night ladies on 12th and Spruce.

  34. Princess WideStance says:

    Julia Allison is all about perthonal growth.

    “One of the biggest mistakes people make is that they go into a date and they expect a finished model but: A. that’s not possible and B. you don’t want that anyway because the person you’re going to be in a year is different than the person you are now so you want someone who is able to grow with you,” said Allison. “To expect a finished model off the bat is not only unrealistic, it’s unfair. What you really want is to find someone who is amenable to growing with you.”

    • “A lot of women and men have litmus tests on first dates and usually two things happen: one, they aren’t super honest and two, they misinterpret. I went on a date and I asked about faith, meaning being faithful in a relationship, and he answered the question as if I had asked about religion,” explained Allison. “

      She’s so fucking stupid. When you ask someone about “faith,” you are obviously asking them about their religion. Your faith, and faithfulness, are two separate things. Moron.

  35. mcakez says:

    Okay, apologies for the length of this. Chat transcript take two. (Also, SS,SF, I will be unable to do transcripts for next week, as I will be beach camping. Maybe someone else can take the helm? KS, Ju-foo, or helobabe?)

    On David MF Rubin, before the show even starts.
    (7:00:39 PM) Bulimiabloatwithasideofbray: David Rubin is the first guy that fingered me.
    (7:01:03 PM) mcakez: David Rubin made out with me under the bleechers at my first pep rally.
    (7:01:13 PM) mcakez: and he totally called me three weeks later to say ‘hey.’

    On ‘being yourself’
    (7:01:58 PM) mcd: i’ve tried being myself and i’ve tried being totally fake and both of them have worked at times and both of them haven’t worked at times
    (7:01:59 PM) mcakez: “I’ve tried being totally fake. except my boobs. they’re still real.”
    7:02:04 PM) AlbieQuirky: “I’ve tried being myself and I’ve tried being totally fake” says JA with a crazy wink

    On Emily and Alton Busey.
    (7:02:27 PM) AlbieQuirky: Here’s Emily talking about Alton Busey and Menace is scorning the fuck out of her
    (7:02:40 PM) juliafoolia: ALTON BUSEY ALL DAY
    (7:02:43 PM) juliafoolia: except never
    (7:02:45 PM) juliafoolia: actually.

    (7:02:45 PM) AlbieQuirky: “I think that I narrowly avoided a threesome”
    (7:02:49 PM) discardedtutu: “not soon enough”
    (7:02:51 PM) ProfFC: was it crunchy everywhere you sat?!
    (7:02:53 PM) gumbz: i faked orgasms with alton busey
    (7:02:55 PM) gumbz: it was twitchy

    7:03:06 PM) AlbieQuirky: “So I probably won’t be back there” says Emily. YAY EMILY
    (7:03:14 PM) Cankless: damn there goes my bingo

    On David Rubin some more, because we love David Rubin.
    7:04:22 PM) Bulimiabloatwithasideofbray: KISSING DAVID WAS AWESOME.
    (7:04:22 PM) juliafoolia: #davidrubin
    (7:04:25 PM) Bulimiabloatwithasideofbray: until he took my tongue
    (7:04:27 PM) juliafoolia: yep, he’s a hashtag

    On Amy.
    (7:04:53 PM) mcakez: Amy says, “I totally smelled three grapes this morning, and now I have to hit the gym for an extra hour.” (7:05:05 PM)
    AlbieQuirky: A client says “I know your voice by now”
    (7:05:06 PM) Bulimiabloatwithasideofbray: “i know that awful accent by now”
    (7:05:25 PM) ProfFC: lauren is INSANELY INSANE
    (7:05:29 PM) Bulimiabloatwithasideofbray: she’s just insane
    7:05:53 PM) mcakez: Amy: “Timmmmmay! Did I mention I matchmake? And rules? I rule at machmaking with rules. Also, don’t eat until I tell you. Ever.”

    On Lewish.
    (7:06:20 PM) ProfFC: lewis can read and write?!
    (7:06:53 PM) Bulimiabloatwithasideofbray: “he keeps bringing up the fact that i’m crazy”
    (7:06:57 PM) Bulimiabloatwithasideofbray: “and i dont like that”

    On business partner Jay, and Lewish some more.
    (7:06:23 PM) mcakez: “Jay is my business partner. She should probably lay off the rice cakes, if you know what I mean, okeeeeeeey?”

    (7:07:37 PM) mcd: jay sounds like a chimney sweep
    (7:07:37 PM) discardedtutu: crazypants! “kissed him on the dancefloor” YOLO!!

    Some insight into how chat works, and what these recaps would look like if I didn’t parse.
    (7:07:49 PM) ProfFC: HAPPINESS EXPERT
    (7:07:53 PM) mcd: HAPPINESS EXPERT!
    (7:07:59 PM) AlbieQuirky: Here comes a weird HAPPINESS EXPERT

    (7:08:19 PM) gumbz: mind architect
    (7:08:19 PM) ProfFC: mind architect…ugh i hate this guy already
    (7:08:20 PM) mcd: mind architect

    More on Peter Petterfeet.
    (7:08:26 PM) discardedtutu: AUSSIE!!
    (7:08:29 PM) gumbz: i fucking hate australians
    (7:08:31 PM) Bulimiabloatwithasideofbray: Drink?
    (7:08:40 PM) mcakez: Dudebrah says, in a fake Aussie accent, “Because it is somehow more pretentious than the previous two things…”
    (7:09:02 PM) AlbieQuirky: “My catch phrase…is that there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you” BZZT

    (7:09:22 PM) mcd: emphysema laugh
    (7:09:47 PM) mcd: emphysema cry

    (7:09:59 PM) AlbieQuirky: “You do have a heart, you do have feelings” says Crocodile Dungrift
    (7:10:48 PM) mcakez: this dude doesn’t even use lube.
    (7:10:55 PM) mcakez: he just shoves the happiness right in.

    (7:13:44 PM) mcakez: dudebrah is still doing the Robin Leech voice and saying, “EVERYONE I’VE EVER MET IS AMAZING! YOUR FEET! ARE NOT, BUT I WILL TOUCH THEM ANYWAY! CHAMPGNE DREAMS AND CAVIAR NIGHTMARES!”

    Gratuitous Use of My Boyfriend on face and eye color.
    (7:09:54 PM) gumbz: her face is all one color
    (7:10:02 PM) gumbz: i feel like even if you have tiny slits for eyes
    (7:10:11 PM) gumbz: you can have different colors in the contours of the slits

    More on Penetrative Scrabble.
    (7:11:27 PM) AlbieQuirky: Ha ha ha ha in the trailer, Emily was telling Ruby about “penetrative scrabble”
    (7:11:53 PM) Stramash: “In the penetrative scrabble, I am always spelling out the words S-A-V-E — M-E.”
    (7:13:01 PM) Stramash: “Or this word: C-R-E-D-I-T-S-C-O-R-E”

    On TigBitty Jay and Amy’s Disordered Eating.
    (7:15:36 PM) AlbieQuirky: “When was the last time you had sex?” asks Jay
    (7:15:51 PM) AlbieQuirky: “It’s been a long time” says Amy (“Over a year” in the confessional)
    (7:15:53 PM) Bulimiabloatwithasideofbray: probably the last time she had a carb
    (7:15:55 PM) mcd: jay is about to start singing chim chimney chim chimney chim chim cheroot
    (7:16:12 PM) mcd: does sperm have carbs?

    On how much we love David Rubin, and how much he loves buttsecks.
    (7:21:16 PM) gumbz: DAVID RUBIN
    (7:21:21 PM) mcd: SHOTZ
    (7:21:22 PM) gumbz: DAVID RUBIN!
    (7:21:26 PM) Greg: ROOOOOOBY
    (7:21:50 PM) AlbieQuirky: “But good, you needed something” and that something is DAVID RUBIN
    (7:21:51 PM) mcd: he called me maybe
    (7:21:53 PM) Greg: TEH BUTT SECKS
    (7:22:03 PM) Bulimiabloatwithasideofbray: SURPRISE BUTT SECKS
    (7:22:28 PM) Greg: in the butt bob! i mean rooby!
    (7:22:30 PM) AlbieQuirky: This is outrageous, y’all, David Rubin does not tolerate any bottom business
    (7:22:44 PM) AlbieQuirky: David Rubin looks like Steve Guttenberg in his FB photo
    (7:22:49 PM) mcakez: david rubin does not get the booty business.
    (7:22:54 PM) juliafoolia: buttsex and scrabble
    (7:22:59 PM) mcakez: he doesn’t get it. literally, and physically, ya know

    Bulimia Bloat and others take issue with Emily’s yoga date.
    On Emily’s Date:
    (7:29:32 PM) Bulimiabloatwithasideofbray: HE’S WEARING JORTS.
    (7:29:34 PM) Bulimiabloatwithasideofbray: JORTS.
    (7:29:38 PM) Bulimiabloatwithasideofbray: fucking.
    (7:29:39 PM) Bulimiabloatwithasideofbray: jorts.
    (7:30:15 PM) Bulimiabloatwithasideofbray: ROLLED UP JORTS.
    (7:30:42 PM) Greg: PENETRATIVE JORTS
    (7:30:48 PM) mcd: his acrobatic name is jorts jackson

    On Emily’s advanced education in the sexual matters.
    (7:29:55 PM) AlbieQuirky: “Sex tips from experience, or from your own research”
    (7:29:56 PM) mcakez: wow, emily is getting her doctorare?
    (7:30:01 PM) mcakez: donktorate?
    (7:30:04 PM) gumbz: she’s gettin getting her degree
    (7:30:04 PM) juliafoolia: PHDICK

    More on Emily’s date.
    (7:30:06 PM) DavidMFRubin: HIS PUA MONIKER IS ‘SNACK MASTER’.
    (7:31:47 PM) ProfFC: he still just wants to do her. pomegranate spread is just a decoy
    (7:33:20 PM) Bulimiabloatwithasideofbray: his teeth are as ginger as his hair

    On Julia and Jelly D.

    (7:34:51 PM) AlbieQuirky: “He actuallty seems a little ambivalent about it”
    (7:35:09 PM) AlbieQuirky: NO HE IS not ambivalent he is hating every second
    (7:35:21 PM) hoosierlawyerdaddy: ambivalent would be a big step up..

    (7:36:26 PM) hoosierlawyerdaddy: i guess if you surprise a guy before prom he doesn’t have time to dump you like dan…

    (7:37:03 PM) AlbieQuirky: “The thing is, this is who I am. And you can think that this is ridiculous, but I don’t give a shit.”
    (7:37:08 PM) AlbieQuirky: YOU GIVE SO MANY SHITS, JULIE
    (7:38:34 PM) Greg: holy fuck of all the fucks, i hope that sammy was fried in chicken broth

    On Julia’s limo-lap-feet and Jelly’s career.
    (7:43:29 PM) mcakez: she put her feet on him.
    (7:43:46 PM) hoosierlawyerdaddy: i hope he’s a blacksmith with those hooves on him

    (7:43:48 PM) mcakez: “I said yes because I am trying to get on TV. i’m a fucking rapping donut, bitch.”


    On Amy’s date with Lewish.

    (7:47:21 PM) AlbieQuirky: “Let’s see what they have” OH LOOK IT’S EATING DISORDER TIME
    7:47:26 PM) ProfFC: amy: i eat red meat once a week
    (7:47:29 PM) gumbz: a burger with no bun and whatnot
    (7:47:52 PM) DavidMFRubin: THIS DATE NEEDS MORE PROM.
    7:48:13 PM) ProfFC: this dialogue….they have like one brain cell between them
    (7:48:14 PM) hoosierlawyerdaddy: this date needs more upper lip
    (7:49:00 PM) AlbieQuirky: Amy is terrified by her giant food
    (7:58:29 PM) hoosierlawyerdaddy: i wasted my red meat meal on you lewis

    Post-show round-up re: crying and finger spit.
    (8:11:32 PM) mcakez: Does the botox prevent crying like it does sweating?
    (8:12:11 PM) mcakez: she squeezes her eyes really hard, jams a dirty nail into them a few times, and scrunches up her face in the style of Dawson season 3, but never draws a real tear.
    (8:13:00 PM) Greg: and that dirty nail image is VERY VIVID
    (8:13:45 PM) mcakez: sorry, kids.
    (8:13:53 PM) mcakez: next week on #missadvised: julia gets pink eye.
    (8:14:10 PM) mcakez: and slathers on lots of MAC pigment to cover it up.
    (8:14:15 PM) mcakez: calls it performance art.
    (8:16:20 PM) mcakez: Julia: *smears make-up. dabs fingers with tongue. stabs at eyes. gets tetanus. still brays, but at half-mast.*

    • Those plastic hooker heels were atrocious. I remember asking my mom to buy me a pair just like them (but not as hookerlicious) when I was five. They were ruby red and I had a thing for Dorothy at the time. Again, I was five.

    • Albie Quirky says:

      Beautiful. So many people were killing it in chat. The Jortsmeister was mind-boggling.

      Did you archive any of the tomayto-tomahto-vagina chat?

  36. Cowboys & Brayliens says:

    I would just like to add, as a side note, that I am feeling completely vindicated by the choice of Amy in the Dump category of Fuck-Marry-Dump.

    What an absolute fucking trainwreck of a person she is.

    Nothing… NOTHING anyone could say, or do, would make me ever want to go near her in any personal aspect, ever. At that point, even Donk with her ridiculous scheme juices is way, WAY preferable.

    • juliaspublicist says:

      Ok, can someone explain what the hell happened?

      • Cowboys & Brayliens says:

        The TVGasm recap is actually pretty good. She sits down, brags about ordering a hamburger and immediately fucking freaks out about it. She then freaks out on Lewis, accusing him of thinking she’s insecure — no fucking shit, Sherlock! Whenever Lewis tries talking about anything else, Amy freaks out. Then she asks what he thinks of her, and he asks if she’s upset, and she freaks out and accuses him of overanalyzing her, which she just asked him to do. Then she freaks out because he says that their second date could have gone better, and then she REALLY FUCKING FREAKS OUT because he hints that if she doesn’t stop freaking out he won’t want to go out with her again. Then she walks out on him.

        I was sincerely, sincerely hoping for a cutaway shot to Lewis saying “thank fucking god”. It was fucking unreal. If any guy ever saw that, Amy’d have a better shot at getting some in a convent.

        • Albie Quirky says:

          It was awesome, if slightly dickish, when he asked “Do you ever admit you’re wrong?” while eating his delicious looking burger.

      • Albie Quirky says:

        She spent the episode obsessing with her thinner Edina Monsoon business partner about how she needed to relax and get laid and maybe Lewish would be the one to break her dry spell. Then she had a cute girl come over to advise her on how to dress less uptight. Then she met Lewish at a diner, made a big fucking deal of how chill and relaxed she was in ordering a burger (“I eat red meat once a week!”) acted like a complete ass (“a total B” in her words), then Lewish took her to the woodshed about being such an uptight assrodded thundercunt, then she said “F that” and stormed out, leaving the burger untouched.

        Then it showed her walking along the street crying and talking to a friend.

        • Albie Quirky says:

          At least no more Lewish. I hate his dopey grifter ass.

          • frequent liar mile says:

            Maybe I am wrong, but I somehow got a little whiff of a contrived “girl meets/loses/gets guy” scenario in this.

            Also, Amy’s manicure is repulsive. Makes Julie’s hideous press-on effect look downright natural by comparison.

          • Jack Der Golem says:

            Yeah, I also thought the Amy “storyline” was bullshit and half expected Lewis to ask her between burger bites if she wanted to buy a timeshare.

  37. Malformed Face (Like a Bloated Deli Ham Left in a Hot Mercedes C Class) says:

    These are amaze-balls. So far my favs are 53, 93, 181, 213 (which is what Donkey looks like she weighs in this photo) , 221 is looking real re re, 305 is a classic face from a certain Donut who just wants to GTFO, (OMG she brought the boner killing giant heart shaped purse!!!!!), 363 – giant fake teefs, 437 – Joker face.

  38. The Final Rose says:

    The Elle column is up…

    Guinea Pig of Love: The Mind Architect Experiment
    July 17 4:15 PM by Julia Allison | 0 Comments


    I’m in a twelve-year-old powder blue strapless floor-length tulle prom dress, screaming out of the sunroof a stretch limo with an enthusiastic-but-somewhat perplexed man in a gray tuxedo with matching blue cummerbund. It’s not your conventional first date, but I’m not your conventional girl.

    Why prom? Oh, who knows? Why do some people love bowling, and others enjoy ant farms? Whatever makes you happy! And prom makes me happy. I love everything about it: the gowns and the boys in tuxedos and the dancing and the cheesy posed photographs and the limos and the adolescent camaraderie and the Milestone Event-ness of it all.

    To me, prom is rife with opportunities for creative expression. So a prom redux is the perfect setting for my attempt at something new: letting my date see the full force of my personality—immediately. It’s an exercise in authenticity, in just being me, in all my eccentric (you say “crazy,” I say “quirky”) glory. With Annie the Love Coach, I tried restraining myself from these habitual dating eccentricities. Now I’m testing the opposite end of that spectrum, presenting a full-on “you either love it or you run” tiara’d Julia, and I’m having a damn good time. As for my date, Andrew? I think he might be enjoying the unfettered me as well.

    It all started with Peter Crone, the “mind architect” as he calls himself, or “happiness expert” as others call him. His job is to “help people become the best versions of themselves.” (Note to my dad: a real job is anything that you do for which other people pay you.) “I rewire the way you relate to yourself and highlight what’s holding you back,” he explains.

    Peter is, in a word, mesmerizing. I greet him at my door, frustrated over an article, angry with myself, irritated that it’s not easier, furious that I can’t get into the flow. My writer’s anxiety (which sometimes morphs into the better known writer’s block) isn’t exactly a new phenomenon with me, but it’s gotten exponentially more severe in the last few years. It manifests as an almost debilitating concern over how others will perceive my words, leading frequently to procrastination and temporary paralysis over articles that (in theory) I want to do.

    I’ve published over 400 print articles and columns, not counting thousands of blog posts, but many of them have been unnecessarily torturous experiences. I find that the more I care about the piece, the harder it is to write. The pieces that weren’t difficult were those I expected no one to read. Let’s put it this way: I don’t have writer’s anxiety in my diary.

    It would be bad enough if it only affected my professional life, but I’ve found that the same pattern happens on dates. The more I care about a date, the harder it is for me to chill out and be myself.

    Peter takes me through what he calls a “disillusionment”: He explains to me that the issues which paralyze me as I embark upon a column—or a first date—are all in my head. They are a creation of my mind, which means that my mind can also uncreate them.

    “If somebody’s trying to move forward, what stops them?” Peter asks.

    “Fear,” I answer quickly, uncomfortably familiar with the phenomenon.

    “Fear of what?” he asks.

    “Fear of not being good enough,” I respond.

    “Well,” he says, pausing. “I hate to be the one to break it to you, but there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you.”

    What? I stare at him in disbelief. Does he need me to write him a list? Where do I begin? More importantly, how long do I have?

    Love (and good writing), he explains, only happens when you let go. When you let go of the fear of judgment, the terror that, should you expose yourself for who you really are, should you allow the other person to see your mess, you won’t be good enough. What if they ridicule you? What if they reject you? What if they leave you, bereft, with only your unrequited love and a broken heart?

    What if, indeed. What if: the cautionary wet blanket of phrases. At the beginning of a relationship, fleeting thoughts like that are normal. We all dabble in insecurity, and dating is a land rife with achingly personal rejection. But for me that fear had metastasized into something far more virulent: unmitigated perfectionism that sabotaged both my dating and my professional lives.

    Let me be clear: perfectionism, the oft-cited “good flaw,” is anything but. It can and will destroy your love life, your career, your health, your happiness. You believe that if you are not perfect, you won’t be loved, lauded, promoted. Its roots lie in dangerous, distressingly low self-esteem, so if you don’t get it at the roots, it will never leave you. It took me years—and a session with Peter Crone—to understand that.

    Are you ready to start being “the real Julia,” he asks me at the end of our session?

    “I’m not 100% sure I know who the real Julia is …” I answer. But I know a good way to start.


    • Albie Quirky says:

      Oh, it’s 400 now? By next week’s column it will be 500.

    • ShesJustStupid says:

      Wait…she didn’t write about jellyd at all? Something smells.

      • mule on rouge says:

        She must be pissed about something. He barely got a mention on her Bravo blog. That Crohn’s Disease dude got a LOT more coverage.

      • Malformed Face (Like a Bloated Deli Ham Left in a Hot Mercedes C Class) says:


    • Guam in the Shower says:

      I don’t understand how no one is like, bitch, you cannot turn in the same fucking column to Elle and Bravo. I know it’s not like, a “real job,” but still, it’s just offensive.

      (I know, this is completely hopeless.)

      • Malformed Face (Like a Bloated Deli Ham Left in a Hot Mercedes C Class) says:

        It’s shocking and yet… not shocking that she has, yet again, lazed out on another opportunity… she could have rocked this and maybe turned it into something. But why do that when you can spend your time Twatter replying to your 10s of fans like your some sort of celebrity when really you;re a sad mental patient.

        • Jack Der Golem says:

          Didn’t she allegedly just fuck up some audition? I sure hope so because I insist on every goddamn bridge being burned and no one, not even some Chicago morning show in dire need for filler, being willing to hire or display this epic hosebeast.

      • mcakez says:

        Wasn’t this a big scandal recently with her OMG fake-boyfriend Jonah Lehrer? Maybe she is looking for common ground in case his wife dumps him. “@Jonah I plagiarize myself constantly, too! Great minds! LOL,”

    • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

      ‘letting my date see the full force of my personality—immediately’

      THAT, D0nkey, explains 8,000 2nd-dates you never have / never will go on.

  39. juliaspublicist cried his rhinestone off juliaspublicist says:

    Wait a minute. She even poses and contorts to open a door?

    • For serious??? says:

      I ‘m not even a fancy denim kind of gal and even I know those Seven jeans are abut 7 yrs old.

      So sad and

  40. juliaspublicist cried his rhinestone off juliaspublicist says:

    OK, I’m looking at the screen caps. Who was the carbohydrate-loaded Mary Rambin?

    • Some “new friend” who makes really awesome stink eye faces at Julia and tells her that her dresses are dirty and that she thinks she is crazy.

    • juliaspublicist cried his rhinestone off juliaspublicist says:

      Oh, never mind. It was just Jennifer Coolidge.

      • Malformed Face (Like a Bloated Deli Ham Left in a Hot Mercedes C Class) says:


      • helobabe says:

        At first I had it with the lip liner abuse but then I sort of loved her when she told Donkey that she should really only wear her outfits at Halloween.

        • Albie Quirky says:

          Yes, she was the voice of reason. “That’s dirty!” “That doesn’t fit!”. “My prom dress is in a dumpster!”

  41. says:


  42. Cola chamPagne says:

    Watching the latest episode and I love Emily. Her attitude is just confident and open and I hope she finds what she’s looking for.

  43. says:


  44. Cola chamPagne says:

    Anda el diablo. I have no words. Each date theme/outfit is worse than the last. What is in episode 8? Julia is a straight jacket and dinner in a padded cell? A Jungle Book theme? Dear God, what next?!?!?!

  45. Fueled by PMS & Chocolate says:

    Why so many “crack” references lately? Not even remotely funny or original, Donks. You just look stupid using it for every little thing.

    • virgil reid says:

      yeah i noticed that too. loving the throwback to passing notes in seventh grade i guess..

  46. Fueled by PMS & Chocolate says:

    Also, I had some girlfriends visit this weekend and my catman and another male friend were hanging out with us while we watched a Miss Advised marathon. They hadn’t seen the show before and know nothing of Julia, but they could not stop screaming about how horrible and crass she was almost immediately. Each time she’d deliver one of her definitely rehearsed “cutesy” quips, they’d scream “she’s so disgusting!!,” etc.

    Even the guys could not get over how loud and rude she behaves. Again, they knew nothing of her or this website… I merely mentioned having a trash TV marathon while we appreciated the air conditioning. Since then my girlfriends asked if I knew the address for the hate site – I think I’ve converted some new cat people.

  47. Russian Girl says:

    Hello, peoples —

    Once agains, it is I, Russian Girl.

    So I have swatted donkey from putting penis in my buttocks (see what did there?) and I have watch new episode of the show about the three loud ladies with the strange faces and the no sense of how to make man sex you.

    I have decide that I no longer care any about the one with strange accent or the one with pinch face who think she is Elaine person from the Seinfelds.

    And sadness, I no longer care about Poofy, who is poofy and who wear the dress from 90s even though it taken out many sizes and even though her face has the bloat and she scream too much and scare me and my cousin Ivan (who put his face in my vahina on the Sunday nights, but that ‘nother story).

    Maybe I will watch next episode. Probamly the nots.

    Oh, Poofy. Why you disappoint me so?

    Also: WHY YOU SO FAT NOW????????????

  48. Dr. Gary says:

    JP: I am SLAIN by the name of the first pic.

  49. Malformed Face (Like a Bloated Deli Ham Left in a Hot Mercedes C Class) says:

    Julia Allison ‏@JuliaAllison
    @BravoRatings – any ratings news yet? Nervous.
    View conversation
    Reply Retweet Favorite

    Um, wut? Call the network or the executive producer or I don’t know… YOUR AGENT OR MANAGER and get the ratings. She is so dumb. Also, RHONY tanked last night even though they tried to goose the ratings by putting RHOOC reunion before it. The reunion did great, RHONY held on an embarrassingly low retention.

    • A Donko Ate My Baby (Ruth) says:

      Her “boss types” yelled at her yesterday. If she calls one of them, they might ask if she’s done any of the work she no doubt promised.

    • Records Custodian says:

      If she is asking publicly, she must already know, which means the ratings aren’t as disappointing.

      She would never draw attention to low ratings, but she sure as shit will point to any sign that the ratings are on the rise. I am going to bet the ratings this week were better than expected, at least by the lowest of standards.

  50. Sacred Scrapbooks, Moving Art Installation says:

    The most telling moment in that episode was when she warned JellyD to not “fuck up” the role she had planned for him.

    Good thing Julia has the wonderful example of her parents’ perfect marriage, otherwise she might have strange ideas about healthy relationships.

  51. Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

    OMG the mind architect really did have his hand on her hideous foot:

    • mule on rouge says:

      He was probably trying to keep them away from his crotch.

    • says:

      For someone who claims she only has two speeds — sweats or dresses — donkerina seems to have orchestrated plenty of screen time for Pancake’s belt.

      • Albie Quirky says:

        I wish Belt could be on “Watch What Happens Later.” Without Julie, I mean. Belt has many terrifying stories to share. Belt has traveled to the Heart of Donkness.

        The horror! The horror!

      • Dyspeptic says:

        Pathological need to display her trophy. Creepy.

    • LEFOOLIEH says:

      She was not flirting with him, nor giving him “come hither” crazy eyes (© “Romona” donkey; feel free to have several seats) before donkadile tears came into the picture. No, not at all.

    • Donkeycam now! (MSc) says:

      Because nothing says “I am serious therapist” like touching your patients’ naked feet (or hooves in this case).

      Oh, Donkey, I wish you got the professional help you need.

      • Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

        Seriously. By the end of the session she had her hooves stretched out almost against him and he’s got his hand on her foot. What the FUCK? Did she bone him? I bet she did.

        • Albie Quirky says:

          Crone bone? You think she went for the Crone bone?

          It is to barf.

        • Donkeycam now! says:

          I think she probably porked him.

          The guy used to be semi-famous, right? Donks can’t resist celebrity dick.

    • Dr. Gary says:

      Crone’s Disease: nausea and upset stomach caused by seeing the Mind Architect touch Julie’s feet

    • juliaspublicist says:

      Is this her Neferteeri?

  52. Falsies says:

    I have become the kind of woman who rinses her dishes before she loads them into the dishwasher. I have become … my mother.

    Fascinating, Julie. Thanks for sharing with us all. Also, is that a generational thing? I rinse mine and I’m only 23, because I don’t want shit on them after they come out of the dishwasher. But then I also wash my hair.

    • Falsies says:

      oh, and that was a tweet from her, the first thing. It’s early.

    • Restylame says:

      Wtf? You have to rinse them off. EW. She is such a barnyard animal. What was she doing before?

      [“after” photo of her suds-ing up her parents’ dishwasher at the omg downtown condo, LOL oops so clueless!]

    • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

      Who else but a lazy Re-Re treats a dishwasher as if it has an out-of-sight, self-starting disposal to vanquish left-on food? And then bitches when glassware doesn’t come out of the wash crystal clear?

      Clueless D0nkey is clueless …

      • Bulimia bloat with a side of bray says:

        *mumbles* Most dishwashers recommend you only scrape food off as they work better with dirty dishes. :-/ <–dork

    • stalker is the new fat says:

      actually, it is often recommended not to rinse first. Some dishwashers do have food grinders.

      ~the more ya know.gif~

      • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

        TIL: Some top-of-the-line dishwashers do indeed have food-grinders.

        NEXT UP: A high-end ass wiper for a nasty d0nkey?

      • iblow4shoes says:

        I have one of those and still rinse the dishes.

        • stalker is the new fat says:

          I guess that’s because you‘re old fashioned and hate Mother Earth.

          • CDB says:

            I expected this plethora of food grinding dish washing knowledge to come from our Afghani friend. I don’t have a dishwasher in my other wise perfect bachelor basement hovel. I don’t mind so much except for the sudsy glasses of water i drink. Hate that.

          • stalker is the new fat says:

            don’t you pay an undocumented immigrant 30 cents a day to do your dishes for you? I thought that’s how we roll in this family. have I taught you NOTHING????????

          • CDB says:

            Oh …. you said 30 cents to do my dishes? I thought you said 30 cents to do my fetishes….. I need to fix that

        • iblow4shoes says:

          You got me.

    • mcakez says:

      Didn’t she tweet not too many months ago about how there are two types of people in the world, those who pre-rinse, and those who do not? She reminds me of my aspie friend Dan who tweets the same not-funny quips once every three months, just in case we didn’t laugh the first time around.

  53. Rosalie says:

    I read this part from JP…

    “(And you just know she thought it. Particularly when she correctly thought better than to touch Julia’s greasy fake hair. Truly the finest moment in this entire documentary series.)”

    …and realized that I must have missed seeing this!

    Is there a screen cap

  54. Handbag Cohen Stuffed With Hair says:

    OT but Helena and Albie and any of the other people I’ve corresponded with in the past, my email has changed. Jacy has the new one if you want to get in touch. 🙂

  55. Donkeycam now! (MSc) says:

    I’ve published over 400 print articles and columns, not counting thousands of blog posts, but many of them have been unnecessarily torturous experiences. I find that the more I care about the piece, the harder it is to write.

    Like a lot of teenagers, I write a lot of facebook posts. My fans in the Middle East love them. I also tweet a lot, mostly about cheesy skillets #ad. I find the more that I sit on my ass drinking and eating cupcakes on the couch, the harder it is to operate the keyboard in my iPhone. Once the cupcake frosting gets on the screen it is real hard to type. Does anyone know hot to clean an iPhone?

    • Imminent Meltdown says:

      … Does anyone where to get My iPhone cleaned?

      There, I fixed that for you

  56. The Final Rose says:

    This week’s ratings are in…no one can possibly think this thing needs a second season, right?

    UPDATE Miss Advised‘s ratings are in for episode 5 and they seem to have settled in around the 600k mark, with this week’s episode being watched by 617,000 and importantly 0.30 in the 18-49 demo. The season to date average is 566,000 and would be almost exactly at 600k but for the poor ratings of the episode which aired during the July 4th holiday week. Pregnant In Heels first season averaged 598,000 and it was renewed for a 2nd season, so all is not yet lost for Miss Allison, Laurent, & Morse.

    • Fashion Girl says:

      Apparently Simon doesn’t understand when to use “that” versus “which” either. He and Julia are two peas in a fame-whoring pod.

    • Malformed Face (Like a Bloated Deli Ham Left in a Hot Mercedes C Class) says:

      Pregnant in Heels has 22,000 FB fans and Miss Advised 2,000k + – I think this becomes not just about ratings but about whether the show has cache for the Network or is considered an embarrassment. The fact that they dumped it in the summer says Bravo wanted to distance itself.

      My guess is they will want to see how their crop of Fall shows does first. Also, they will want to see if Miss Advised is damaging WWHL too much. If it’s taking a bite out of Andy’s show, I am guessing it will be done.

    • crazytrain says:

      Whoever said upthread that she tweeted @Bravoratings to ask about the ratings because she already knew they were above average this week, was dead on.

      • Dyspeptic says:

        calculating donkey is calculating. the scheme juices have reached advanced fermentation stage.

    • Scooby Don't says:

      Given how annoying she was to work with, how she’s bagged on the show repeatedly for how she was portrayed and edited, halfassed the job Bravo got her, pissed off her bosses and basically gone pyromanic on any and all bridges or bridge like structures in her vicinity, how sweet would it be that if they decided to do a Season 2 of Miss Advised they replaced our Donkey …

      • But what if people like Jimmy Fallon keep gushing about how JA is his favorite?

        JA, by the way, is slang (I learned in a comic book) for a person’s bush, abbreviation of “Jungle Area.” LOL

        • Jungle Area says:

          Thank you so much!

        • 11th Wang says:

          Jimmy Fallon makes no secret that he loves watching shit people (& stupid people) on shit TV. I don’t think it’s a compliment that she’s his “favorite.”

          Also, out of the THREE people on that show, he picked TWO favorites. Because the third is an insufferable bore.

    • Sacred Scrapbooks, Moving Art Installation says:

      What kind of lock do reality shows have on the “talent”? Would she be out auditioning if her manager didn’t expect her to be released from Miss Advised?

      • Malformed Face (Like a Bloated Deli Ham Left in a Hot Mercedes C Class) says:

        That’s a good point. I’m sure Bravo had her sign a standard five year contract. But she could be “second position” on something and then have to wait until Bravo releases her. Or if it’s for something short, like a commercial, Bravo might be able to approve it.

        I’m guessing they are waiting for their Fall shows to roll out before they would renew so they would probably have to run anything past Bravo.

      • Malformed Face (Like a Bloated Deli Ham Left in a Hot Mercedes C Class) says:

        I find it hard to believe she adds value to any audition in terms of casting – she certainly is not well known enough to be “stunt casting” like The Bachelorette would be or a Housewife.

  57. chinchilla of indifference says:


    • Malformed Face (Like a Bloated Deli Ham Left in a Hot Mercedes C Class) says:

      LOL, right??? I saw that too. She is mental.

    • Andy Whorehol says:

      The pink princess bedroom is cray enough, but the random stuffed animals strewn everywhere are all kinds of creepy and unsettling. Makes me think her brand of kink is of the adult infant variety. It would also explain the ‘Toddlers & Tiaras’ wardrobe and referring to grown men as kids/boys.

  58. Cowboys & Brayliens says:

    The makeup removal — AGAIN — made me sick to my stomach. And when I saw the screengrabs, I immediately thought of:

    [img][/img] [img][/img]

  59. Dr. Gary says:

    This is from a link Julie tweeted today re: the Deballage. She looks so different when the pix haven’t been photoshopped. Girl really needs to get some sleep and drink more water:


    • ShesJustStupid says:

      I don’t understand her nose.

      • Malformed Face (Like a Bloated Deli Ham Left in a Hot Mercedes C Class) says:

        It’s so bulbous… especially camera right… WUT the fuck?

        Also, the eye pets are dirty.

        • The Final Rose says:

          She must have had dry mouth. (re: the dirty eye pelts.)

          • Albie Quirky says:

            Oh showervom forever.

          • Malformed Face (Like a Bloated Deli Ham Left in a Hot Mercedes C Class) says:

            LOL! Ha!

            PS, take an inventory – fake eye lash pelts, fake nose, fake lips, fake teef, fake chin (allegedly) and injected nasil folds and forehead.

      • Malformed Face (Like a Bloated Deli Ham Left in a Hot Mercedes C Class) says:

        I mean, camera left, SSSF.

      • There is a Situation on Your Face Girl (and fug on your feet) says:

        It looks like a dick.

    • Albie Quirky says:

      The sad thing is that this is the best she’s looked in a long time, possibly because someone else did her makeup and hair. Contrast with the “Miss Advised” launch party!

  60. The Final Rose says:

    Apologies if this was already covered and I missed it, but it’s pretty funny to see Julia get up in arms about the idea of self-plagiarism. Touched a nerve, Donks?

    New York Magazine ‏@NYMag

    Jonah Lehrer has been very, very quiet, hasn’t written for more than a month since his self-plagiarism scandal.

    23h Julia Allison Julia Allison ‏@JuliaAllison

    @NYMag – You can’t self-plagiarize. BY DEFINITION plagiarizing means taking someone else’s work & passing it off as your own. Lay off Jonah.

    • Tonyamichaela says:

      Self-plagiarism may be Julia’s answer to writer’s anxiety. Instead of pounding her head against her laptop while inhaling cupcakes, she can just copy and paste old columns, turn it in, get paid, and get accolades from her twitter worshippers. Lay off!

    • The Cabinet of Dr. Bobby says:

      Lol she is such a simple bitch, the definition of plagiarism in most places also includes a clause that you cannot turn in the same work twice without prior permission, or pass off the same work as a brand new piece, there is no reason to think the rules are different for journalism

    • Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

      Wow. She is a tard.

    • Albie Quirky says:

      Keep burning those bridges, Julie!

    • geo-bragnostic says:

      of course she feels strongly about this because it’s exactly what she’s doing for the bravo/elle “columns.”

    • Jack the Bulldog says:

      One can most certainly self-plagiarize, especially students who recycle papers. Nudge, nudge, wink, wink.

  61. Sacred Scrapbooks, Moving Art Installation says:

    Cindy McCain ‏@CindyhM1
    Had a great weekend with my family. Celebrated Jack’s engagement.
    1:25 PM – 16 Jul 12

    • Jack the Bulldog says:

      What?! Guam didn’t come between them?! Cindy must be SO relieved, though she’ll be hearing about Donks braying a la Little Edie for years to come. “My boyfriend Jack McCain and I talked of marriage too … “

    • Restylame says:




    • Dr. Gary says:


  62. New Hater says:

    I just watched this episode and now I completely understand why you guys call her a donkey.

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