Miss Advised Open Post: Episode 5

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338 Responses to Miss Advised Open Post: Episode 5

  1. Rosalie says:

    SIX MINUTES TO GO!

  2. A Donkey is an Ass says:

    That’s the face he makes when he fakes an orgasm with A Donkey.

  3. ThreeBlondesDown says:

    Am I the only one who is terrified that pervy Aaron Sorkin is going to reemerge? I had nightmares about him…

  4. mule on rouge says:

    So I got inspired by the screengrabs posted by Miss Assvice (thank you!), and made my first-ever gifs. Whoopee!

    Julia shows off her pink shitkickers:

    [img]http://i45.tinypic.com/20upqtv.jpg[/img]

  5. Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

    A “happiness expert.” For fuck’s sake.

  6. diluted brain says:

    Happiness Expert? I wish I decided on a glass of wine instead of a smoothie tonight and we’re not even 10 mins in.

  7. Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

    The happiness expert is kind of hot, though, except for the hair.

  8. sausage curls/fingers says:

    Her apartment makes me sad. That space could look so great and it looks like a hospital instead.

  9. crazytrain says:

    “Experts are trying to solve your problems, I’m telling you you don’t have any.” Yep. This is exactly the kind of professional help Julia needs.

  10. Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

    Oh Christ, she’s crying again.

  11. Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

    NICE EYELASHES

  12. Jack Der Golem says:

    Do you like my phony accent, Julia? I’m a HAPPINESS EXPERT and I’m here for YOU, YOU, YOU! And he just told a sociopath she is “normal, smart and successful.” No.

    What crap! Here come the phony faucets!

  13. The Final Rose says:

    It’s so sad that they show Emily on her radio show, Amy talking to a client, and then Donkey fake typing. They really aren’t trying to sell her job very hard.

  14. Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

    Yet another person telling her to be “real” and suggesting she’s a fake.

  15. Handbag Cohen Stuffed With Hair says:

    Being a writer is the career she’s decided on.

    • diluted brain says:

      That was redonkulous. If being a writer isn’t working (or you don’t enjoy it), then try finding a real job, you donkey! UGH I can’t stand her.

  16. sausage curls/fingers says:

    This is a moment where I allllmost feel bad for her. Truly, no one loves her. Her parents I guess but they seem so ashamed of her on top of it.

    • The Final Rose says:

      She needs so much therapy. Sell the self-help books, stop burning lists – and put that energy into finding a competent, licensed professional. Really – no snark intended.

    • Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

      She could be loved if she wasn’t such an attention-seeking, loud-mouthed, self-obsessed, obnoxious fucking asshole. It’s not that difficult. Stop being an attention-seeking, loud-mouthed, self-obsessed, obnoxious fucking asshole. Why doesn’t some expert tell her that?

      • The Final Rose says:

        My moment of pity has passed, and this really is true. She needs to be less obsessed with unconditional love and more obsessed with trying to make herself actually somewhat loveable.

    • diluted brain says:

      She doesn’t deserve your sympathy. She’s just bonkers and I don’t totally blame hte parents.

  17. TheSpanishInterrogation says:

    I can’t take her crying donkey tears AT ALL

  18. diluted brain says:

    Oh hey, Jack McCain’s belt..

  19. Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

    OMG did he have his hand resting on her foot??

  20. Handbag Cohen Stuffed With Hair says:

    My best friend T says the happiness expert is a major creeper.

  21. "40 lbs heavier, older, midwest" - Observations from an Agent says:

    So by the end of that scene, she had her stinky hooves stuck towards his crotch.

  22. DSM-V: JFA Edition says:

    Fake crying requires liquid tears Julia, perhaps a little less eye liner and fake lash jungle as well…

  23. crazytrain says:

    I liked her sweater in that scene. That’s the best compliment I’ve had about anything in this whole series so far.

  24. Handbag Cohen Stuffed With Hair says:

    Adderall percoset adderall percoset adderall percoset. JA needs to get clean, and then she needs a real doctor, so says T, an outside and innocent person.

  25. Grammarian says:

    Long boring article in the NYT today about sorority coaches mentioned an example of Indiana U girls being particularly harsh in shutting out and shutting down girls at rush time. Was that the fatal narcissistic wound?

    • AFGHANI says:

      It is pretty weird. Miss Sarah Milligan got into a good sorority, maybe Julia didn’t and that’s why she left Indiana U all of a sudden?

    • crazytrain says:

      Didn’t she mention once that all three non-society girls were in the same sorority? Gtown doesn’t have sororities, sooo…

    • Dyspeptic says:

      excellent theory.

    • Greg says:

      I grew up in Indiana and I come from a family who all went to IU and I knew as a high-school kid that I would never want that or never could compete with that. I know the school is so big that it wouldn’t matter (I know that now), but ugh. That would have broken me. Did I just accidentally sympathize with her? LET ME SHAKE IT OFF.

      • Grammarian says:

        Not that great a school so the bitches are 10x as evil as at better schools? Bwahahahahahahahah.

  26. Lots of Bach says:

    Jay is fuckin hott! Best thing about this whole shitpile.

  27. ThreeBlondesDown says:

    Amy obviously has no good girl friends, because she should have been slapped by now. She “hates” those crazy annoying girls? Talk about self loathing.

  28. Jack Der Golem says:

    Who’s the SoCal blonde skank is shades? Do we know her, Cat Ladies?

  29. Handbag Cohen Stuffed With Hair says:

    Oh. A lesbian thing. Toilet Julia must have said NEIGH NEIGH.

    • diluted brain says:

      You know she practiced that scene. She said it like she thought she was so funny & it just was not.

  30. Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

    This chick is equally horrified by her pretty pink princess bedroom.

  31. Lots of Bach says:

    You’re right Julie. You’re not a success.

  32. Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

    OMG she thinks she’s mental.

    • Jack Der Golem says:

      Because she is? What fucktard keeps moldy prom dresses and stolen tiaras?

    • JuliasTooSmallTutu says:

      She tried talking sense to Julia, so I kind of love her for that. It’s apparent that when someone does tell Julia that she’s batshit she chooses not to hear her.

  33. Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

    And Donk is looking very hefty in these scenes. And looks barking mad.

  34. sausage curls/fingers says:

    Who has the canklehausen ointment? Pass me the tub.

  35. AFGHANI says:

    Oh hi, Jordan’s tiara!!!

  36. sausage curls/fingers says:

    “It’s dirty!” “That looks like someone threw up” Okay, which one of you is this chick?

    • diluted brain says:

      Exactly what I thought.

      The cringes and comments from this chick cracked me up. How could donkey think this was normal behavior?

      She is beyond cray cray.

  37. Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

    “IT’S DIRTY!!!!”

    OMG, everything we suspect is true. Everything.

    OMG the horrifying Birthcray dress has been unveiled.

    • Jack Der Golem says:

      Who could forget that snap of Julia sitting on the top of the couch, widestance, heels on the couch? Mem’ries!

  38. A Donkey is an Ass says:

    If being so into fucking prom at 31 fucking years old is the real you, then you’re going to be alone forever. It’s not magical and romantic. What a fucking disaster.

  39. TheSpanishInterrogation says:

    This bitch is re re. I’ve been reading here for quite a long time and always hoped the prom infatuation was an exaggeration on her behalf – ummm to see it live is really making me feel like she is totally mental.
    It’s kinda awesome to watch her kill boners one at a time though…

    • AFGHANI says:

      Yeah, before seeing this episode I thought it was tongue-in-cheek, kind of like she found the idea of prom charming or youthful/innocent. The fact she is really focused on the actual prom activities is just… so so so sad.

  40. Actual Shower Vommer says:

    Why does she put the dark eyeshadow on the inside of her eye? Aren’t you supposed to put it on the outside?

    Also, quote from catfriend “So…is her face permanently stuck like that?” It was actually kind of sad, he said it with complete concern and no snark. He is so nice : (

    • juliapublicist says:

      Tell him not to worry. Thing will continue to shift and get progressively worse.

      Also, you people have greater stamina than I have, because I just Kant with this fabricated shitshow that portrays the sad, sad existence of real life turd.

      Good night, all.

    • Prof. F Camping Prof. F Camping says:

      “So…is her face permanently stuck like that?”
      i guffawed.

  41. DSM V: JFA Edition says:

    “me elle readers will love it”
    bwahahahahahahaahahahahahahaha

  42. A Donkey is an Ass says:

    I just cannot manage to give a single fuck about Amy.

  43. Worthless Bag of Ho says:

    Ok, man cat and I were just watching and we were both equally freaked out by her closet. What grown ass woman has that much PINK FRILLY LACY crap in her closet??? He said shes the craziest one of the three. He knows nothing else about her.

    • Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

      And why does “IT’S VINTAGE!!!” mean you don’t get it laundered if it’s filthy? Jesus.

      • Worthless Bag of Ho says:

        She looks seriously psycho in this episode so far. I mean like more than normal. Like scary psycho. Eeeep!!

  44. The Final Rose says:

    I wish she would try to articulate why she loves prom so much. Is it the dressing up? Because you can do that at weddings and other events. Is it the dancing? Go salsa with Lewis. Is it trying to rewrite an unhappy adolescent into one in which you’re prom queen? I don’t have a suggestion.

  45. Handbag Cohen Stuffed With Hair says:

    “I know nothing! I do yoga!”

  46. Lots of Bach says:

    I see Scientology on Julia’s horizon

  47. Handbag Cohen Stuffed With Hair says:

    Emily does not really find things hot.

  48. sausage curls/fingers says:

    Emily is the most likeable, aside from looking ferrety half the time.

    • Badonkeydonk says:

      I still find her a little bit Sarah Jessica Parker’s dark-haired cousin. Maybe the voice?

  49. Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

    Oh poor Emily. This guy seemed promising.

  50. Dr. Gary says:

    ugh. I want to watch this live with you cat ladies, but I’m stuck at the Mac store. and it’s hot in here.

  51. Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

    Oh look at that, another limo! So authentic, since she was complaining about having to rent one last week.

    • Badonkeydonk says:

      Yes, but this is a stretch limo! Wasn’t the other one just a regular old limo?

      After living in NYC, you’d think she would have absorbed the idea that an Escalade (very Conde Nast) or a town car (very “on my way to MSNBC”) would be a titch snazzier than the tacky limo.

      But limo does echo the tedious, infantilizing “prom!” theme, so whatthefuck.

  52. Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

    OMG the braying.

  53. AFGHANI says:

    wait, Jelly D is short?

  54. diluted brain says:

    Donkey’s voice. I.just.kant. Her braying at the date is like screetching on a chalk board.

  55. The Final Rose says:

    Can Julia start shilling for eye make-up remover? The spit underneath the eyes is quite possibly the most foul thing I’ve ever seen.

  56. Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

    And nice glitter eyeshadow. Jesus.

  57. ThreeBlondesDown says:

    THOSE BOOTS!!!! Why does she try to make her legs look worse?!

    • JuliasTooSmallTutu says:

      No one is California dresses like that. She must stick out like a sore thumb. Also, that skirt is easily two sizes too small for her, she thought she got away with it because it’s black

  58. Handbag Cohen Stuffed With Hair says:

    My 15-year-old just said, “Is this their FIRST date? Dude, GET OUT OF THE CAR. Get out of the car!”

  59. Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

    OMG the high-decibel braying. JESUS stop.

    • diluted brain says:

      It’s really loud!!!! I don’t know how she ever gets a second date – but I guess she rarely does. The braying is never-ending.

    • sausage curls/fingers says:

      My cat-friend is wearing headphones and still asked me to turn the TV down.

  60. Jack Der Golem says:

    Is Jelly D attractive, Cat Ladies? Maybe in a D List Justin Timberlake way? Or does not being interested in a donkey make him more attractive?

    • Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

      Yes, he’s really cute. But short. And he needs to flee, as quickly as possible.

    • Handbag Cohen Stuffed With Hair says:

      He’s really cute. I feel real pity for him.

    • Prof. F Camping Prof. F Camping says:

      i thought he was cute before i saw him in live action on show. now…meh. not really.

      • Badonkeydonk says:

        He was trying so hard to be a good sport. You wonder if he would have just checked out if the cameras weren’t rolling.

  61. Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

    And this is such bullshit. If she didn’t fit into the dresses she was wearing a couple of years ago, why would she not have tried on the high school prom dress? And how did it fit??

    LIES LIES LIES

  62. Worthless Bag of Ho says:

    Mancat: “she has the kind of voice you just wanna smack!” Hahahahahaha

  63. Jack Der Golem says:

    Your Elle readers will love this? Is their demographic now 13 year olds?

  64. ThreeBlondesDown says:

    My roommate: “You’re telling me that kind of girl hasn’t put her prom dress on since she first wore it? Bitch, please.”

    Also: “This isn’t going to work. He should be enjoying himself, not tolerating you.”

  65. Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

    OH GOD THE YELLING

    • The Final Rose says:

      I love that being authentic to Julia apparently just means really, really loud.

      • Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

        You see, how can she not understand? She claims tearfully that she wants someone to love her, then pulls this shit. WHO COULD LOVE THAT?? WHO???

        If you want to be loved, stop being a shrieking, obnoxious dickhead.

    • Dr. Gary says:

      OMG. I want to be watching this with you guys. sounds like some epic cray is being brung.

  66. Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

    OH GOD THE YELLING

    And wait, cheese on bread? I thought she couldn’t eat gluten and dairy??!??!?

    • Prof. F Camping Prof. F Camping says:

      If he can tolerate the REAL JULIA, he has to tolerate the shits that come with her. The mind architect was SO.RIGHT!

      • Badonkeydonk says:

        That mind architect should be brought up on charges for giving her permission to be like this.

  67. Nickelodeon Chic says:

    My husband put a pillow over his face during the Julia’s Closet scene and I cried out “OMG! You have Canklehausen!” He thought it was weird that we had a term for it, until she popped out in the dress, and then he goes “Oh. I get it. Yes, I am feeling that cankle thing.”

  68. Handbag Cohen Stuffed With Hair says:

    T: “She is SUCH a drug addict.”

    Jelly D! You’re going to be a creepy mother.

  69. sausage curls/fingers says:

    Loving the crazy person music in the background.

  70. diluted brain says:

    I hope the dates actually get paid for wasting their time on this. I’d imagine 2 minutes into this date, Jelly D was ready to bolt.

  71. Lazy and Crazy says:

    Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god.

    Oh. My. God.

    Oh.

    My.

    God.

  72. Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

    Great dance moves, loser. JESUS.

  73. Nickelodeon Chic says:

    Ok, I am probably going to be the only one who thinks this, but this full-blown display of cray is the first time she’s seemed…as genuinely happy as someone can be when they don’t feel real emotions anymore? I don’t know. It seems nutso, beyond belief, but…there’s a part of me that’s like “let your really horrifying freak flag fly, honey.”

  74. A Donkey is an Ass says:

    Her dancing. Oh greg, her dancing.

  75. Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

    Another limo sexual harassment scene, coming up!

  76. Donkey Punch says:

    A friend of mine who’s a very successful OMG tech founder just emailed me:

    “Watching Julia Allison on tv. Now I see why you dislike her so. She’s 100% narcissist. 100!”

  77. C'mon em! says:

    Her dancing. What.

    • C'mon em! says:

      And then she tells Donuts that’s he’s a decent dancer! Like he’s Donkey-approved. What the everloving fuck!

      • C'mon em! says:

        *that! angry!

      • Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

        I KNOW.

        Like she’s an expert dancer with her dancer’s bun. OK, honey. Keep doing those gang signs!

        • Prof. F Camping Prof. F Camping says:

          shut up, she went to the ballet that one time! granny took her to lessons!

          [img]http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_ksg4eoKiNh1qz6dlko1_400.jpg[/img]

          • helobabe says:

            I love this weekend. When she stalked Levin, tried on Levin’s engagement ring, crashed a party with awful Shira Lazar, was totally rude to the owner of the home where the party was held and ended up crying in a corner.

          • Malformed Face (Like a Bloated Deli Ham Left in a Hot Mercedes C Class) says:

            Running all over LA after she outed Codename TK and desperately trying to run into him!!! Lulz.

  78. Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

    RIP, Prom King.

  79. Jack Der Golem says:

    “Hiiiii!” And off she goes, clomping around some shithole. And shut the fuck up about that checklist because this one’s gonna flee from you in terror, too!

    “Our first kiss on prom night.” What a fucking loon!

    • The Final Rose says:

      She got teary eyed talking about it. Tonight’s episode is the strongest case for a true mental deficiency.

      • diluted brain says:

        Agree – this is by far the worst episode of hers. If she really watches this thinking she comes off well, she needs meds.

  80. Lazy and Crazy says:

    She is retarded. Mentally fucking retarded.

  81. A Donkey is an Ass says:

    More kissing demands. How fuck does she not see how psychotic that is?

  82. AFGHANI says:

    Amy’s about to rip Lewis’ head off… she’s going to kill him in this diner…

    • AFGHANI says:

      Haha, Lewis is busting her balls…

      • AFGHANI says:

        Why can’t Lewis just keep his mouth shut and get laid and then bring up these psychological debates. I mean, come on Lewis, you’re just cockblocking yourself.

        • Effing Ineffably Un-Effable says:

          It’s probably more fun to fuck with Amy than to actually fuck Amy.

          Plus I’d be worried about the damage the cryogenic ice queen might do to my junk.

          • afghani says:

            You might be right, although I kind of think she’d be a challenge to see if you could break through the facade and get her to relax.

    • Jack Der Golem says:

      Christ, the Amy/Grifter storyline is soporific. Wait! Are they in the Skylight Diner?!?! Excuse me, that is where I eat about once a day when in NYC!!

    • diluted brain says:

      I’m so not into him…. which is surprising since all the men of Miss Advised are such catches.

    • Ca Ca Nails says:

      I swear, for as much as Julie will never land a man cause she’s a loon, Amy is just as fucked–I almost prefer Donkey’s antics to Amy’s bitter, no-nonsense brittleness. At least Donkey pretends to have fun. Why does Amy even leave her house? She makes me so depressed.

    • Jack Der Golem says:

      Oh no! Amy and Lewis’s fake date storyline just ended! Viewers won’t sleep tonight!

    • The Final Rose says:

      I can’t decide who I like least in this scene — she is as terrible as always, but he could have tried to get through the big break-up without smirking.

  83. Handbag Cohen Stuffed With Hair says:

    I’m dying of Amy’s humiliation. Awful awful. Her eating disorder totally did not save her.

  84. crazytrain says:

    Amy is intolerable.

  85. Libby says:

    I feel so bad for Amy…she seriously does not know how to act in a date, I can’t even imagine her giving dating advice.

    • sassysangria says:

      I can’t believe ANY of these fools give dating advice. Are they are supposed to be helping women find love, or are they supposed to be setting back the women’s movement? This might be the most anti-feminist show on television. Thank you, Andy Cohen for perpetuating the idea that women are desperate lunatics.

  86. Handbag Cohen Stuffed With Hair says:

    I SAW TINA PRAY.

  87. The Final Rose says:

    Great — Julia won’t smugly overreact to this or anything.

    jimmy fallon ‏@jimmyfallon

    Watching #MissAdvised on Bravo. I like Amy and Julia the best. However, I see Amy having a breakdown soon. Sex girl is growing on me.
    Retweeted by Andy Cohen

  88. tutusandtiaras says:

    Long time reader, first time poster. Couldn’t help but comment that Jimmy Fallon just tweeted he’s watching and “Likes Julia.” Wonder if he knows how she called out his former monologue writer?

    He also thinks Amy is headed for a breakdown. After tonight, yes.

  89. anon says:

    http://www.livestream.com/tradiov

    Emily and Menace (Sex With Emily co-host) are doing a live post-show right now and Julia will be calling in.

    • Bobby P. Mullet says:

      Uggghhhh… I am listening to it in the background and it’s AWFUL! Not only does she reference her and Jelly D having sex, but she describes Emily’s’ David (?) as being (paraphrasing) “hot piece of midwestern man who she could take home to meet mom then have him do her doggy style”.

      Greg. Ew.

      Oh and she just said that people are tweeting her “positively” and saying that they see themselves in her so, in a way, she feels like she is “doing it for the girls”.

      • Bobby P. Mullet says:

        I want to update and say that Julia was awful. Emily, on the other hand, seems pretty likable and natural on her show.

  90. TheSpanishInterrogation says:

    Amy is a boner killer and acts like a fucking needy mess. I wouldn’t let her try to match my socks for me.

  91. Albie Quirky says:

    So many things about this ep Cankleshausened me, but the one that made me shriek aloud in pain was after the sunroof dorkosaurus kiss when Julie coyly said “More?”

    I started telling the huscat about this ep and he stopped me after I recounted Amy and Lewish’s “Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf” burger date, saying “I’m already experiencing testicular shrinkage.”

  92. Blinking.SOS.at.the.Camera says:

    Amy is on Emily! oh dear

  93. D says:

    Donkey’s Bravo blog is up. Proceed at your own risk. I’m on my phone or I’d post it.

    • helobabe says:

      Julia Allison
      Prom!

      Julia really, really loves prom.
      33 min ago

      PROMMM!

      Oh, prom. Prom, prom, how I love thee.

      As I wrote in my ELLE Guinea Pig of Love column, “Why prom? Oh, hell, who knows? Why do some people love bowling and others enjoy chess? Why do some people appreciate beer and others get off on NASCAR? It’s just whatever makes you happy. And prom makes ME happy. I love it. I love everything about it. I love the gowns and the boys in tuxedos and the dancing and the cheesy posed photographs and the limos and the adolescent camaraderie and the milestone event-ness of it all.”

      I love the process of prom — the detailed planning, the selection of the date (Will he ask me? Should I ask him!?), the arguably even more important selection of the dress (long, short, puffy, slender, strapless, blue, red, black, pink?), the selection of which questionable creative up-do I should pay $50 at a hair salon to get and then subsequently be miserable about, remove, and do myself.

      To me, prom is a moving art installation rife with opportunities for creative expression. It’s the first time in most people’s young lives that they have an opportunity to wear formal wear, for one. And there’s something special about a group of people — be they at a graduation or a dance or a charity event or a wedding — all dressed up with someplace to go, someplace reminiscent of 1950s Americana, like the Enchantment Under the Sea dance in Back to the Future or Betsey Johnson’s ‘50s prom-inspired collection. (If I were making the calls, prom would always be set in 1955. But with iPhone cameras.)

      More than anything, I love me a ball gown. Especially ones with lots of tulle, those that swish and swoosh around as you walk, those that billow and cocoon you in swatches of glamorous fabric, those that make you feel, well, like a princess! And I REALLY love me a man in a tux (I think we can all agree, every male looks a little more debonair, a little more James Bond, when they slip on a dinner jacket.) I even love Jessica McClintock. Don’t hate. I’m from the Midwest.

      For my junior year prom I actually convinced my entire group of girlfriends to wear matching tiaras. Yes, really. Some (sparkly) things don’t change.

      In case you weren’t already convinced of my inveterate geekiness, senior prom, I went — platonically — with my debate partner, Andrew. (Yes, Andrew. Same name as my date in this episode!) The dress I wore? That very same blue tulle strapless gown, bought at Nordstrom, if I remember correctly. Or maybe Bloomingdale’s. Either way, I hadn’t tried it on since I was 18 — that’s 12 years (at the time this was filmed)! I was terrified prior to surprising Andrew, because I literally didn’t know whether it would zip up or not. And I didn’t have another dress. HA!

      But I’m getting ahead of myself. We start this episode with me freaking out about writing. Sigh. As I write in my ELLE column:

      My “writer’s anxiety” (which sometimes morphs into the more virulent and better known “writer’s block”) isn’t exactly a new phenomenon with me, but it’s gotten exponentially more severe in the last few years. It manifests as an almost debilitating concern over how others will perceive my words, leading frequently to procrastination and temporary paralysis over articles that (in theory) I *want* to do — subjects that are engaging and intellectually stimulating and even, dare I say, fun.

      I’ve published over 400 print articles and columns, and that’s not counting my thousands of blog posts … but many of them have been unnecessarily torturous experiences. I find that the more I care about the piece, the harder it is to write. Whether that’s because I interviewed someone I greatly respected or because I was writing it for a magazine I admired or because I was sharing something deeply personal and meaningful. The pieces that weren’t difficult were those I expected no one to read. Let’s put it this way: I don’t have writer’s anxiety in my diary. See the pattern?

      Cue Peter Crone, the “mind architect” as he calls himself, or “happiness expert” as he is called in the episode. I greet him at my door, furious over my column, which isn’t going “perfectly.” I’m tense, rigid in my body, and Peter calls me out on it.

      “You’re closed up,” he says.

      “You shouldn’t be wearing a shirt,” I think.

      Yeah, sorry. It’s hard to concentrate on enlightenment when someone that godlike sits mere inches from me on the couch.

      As I go through the three-hour hypnosis (OK, OK, so he didn’t TECHNICALLY hypnotize me, but that’s certainly what it felt like), I felt my body — and then mind — relax. Sort of the way you feel after a glass of wine or a massage or … an orgasm. Calm and clear and very UNblocked.

      I write more in depth about my experience with Peter in my ELLE column, but suffice it to say, he began the long process of disabling my inner (nasty) critics’ diatribe — which comes out both when I write and when I date, and doesn’t make either a more pleasant or authentic experience.

      As I said to Peter toward the end of our session, I’m not really sure who the authentic Julia Allison is. But I know that I’m closer than ever to discovering it. Or maybe it’s not a static set of traits — maybe it’s dynamic, ever shifting.

      Either way, that authentic Julia hates boring dinner and drinks dates, loves being silly, and adores prom. I couldn’t find an ACTUAL prom to attend (trust me, if I could have, I would have), but I though that a facsimile of one with a few twists — food truck, empty dive bar — would suffice. Besides, Andrew dresses up as a donut and raps for a living (seriously: http://www.mcjellydonut.com/), so I figured of all the people in the world who could handle this date, he could.

      He could — and he did. Although somewhat nervous (mainly, he told me, about looking like an idiot in a tuxedo), he loved the food truck and REALLY loved the dancing (the kid can dance). As for our first kiss, standing up screaming out of the roof of a stretch limo? Pretty epic. I never got THAT on prom!

      PROMMM!

      • Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

        I knew she was hot for the “happiness expert.”

      • A Donkey is an Ass says:

        “If I were making the calls, prom would always be set in 1955.”

        Does she mean “whites only”?

        • Blinking.SOS.at.the.Camera says:

          That’s what I immediately thought too. Such an ignoramus. Does she have any idea how stifling, hypocritical, and how institutionalized racism was? That was the year, btw, that Rosa Parks defied the “back of the bus rule”. Such a tool is our donkey.

        • juliaspublicist says:

          As a “Mexicans!” this was my first thought too. But then I remember we do this shit three years earlier for every fucking female cousin, parent’s friend’s daughter, all the teenage girls at church, etc., etc., etc. Jesus, Mexicans have a lot of kids.

      • Dyspeptic says:

        oh my effing greg, did she really posit prom as a “moving art installation”??? Such an artiste, our Donkey.

      • juliaspublicist says:

        Jesus, she was seriously rubbing herself when she wrote this. Be honored, BravoTV.com visitors. You were witnes to Julia Allison’s first genuine orgasm.

      • mule on rouge says:

        I bet they didn’t even have a conversation, because she kept squealing and screaming PROMMM the entire fucking date. The non-stop yelling about how much fun she was having, was a clear indication that they weren’t having any fun at all. She was trying to compensate for all the uncomfortable silences.

      • idiotbox says:

        I really hope that there are very few 31 year old people in this world not know who their authentic self is.

        It’s just bizarre, but I get it. It’s hard to settle on a persona when there are so many different men out there!

      • Prof. F Camping Prof. F Camping says:

        this is a load of rubbish.

      • RollsRoyceRevenge says:

        Oh Prom! How I love the prom. Why? Well, it’s pink, not too long, makes me squeal and is a succession of balls that fly past my nose. Throw in some Hi-C cranberry punch and a chance to yell “Yee-haw!” out a sunroof and I am yours for the night, Teenage Male America.

        Oh Elle Column! How I hate writing my Elle column. Why? Well, because I am aware that I suck at it, which isn’t an ideal point of entry for any given subject.

        My mind architect, Peter Crone, showed up to chastise me today as part of my new regiment of having people who live in old school buses tell me what’s wrong with my life choices. I answered the door pissed off because the “I” on the keyboard wasn’t working anymore for some reason and the first thing out of his mouth is “you’re closed up.” Not “nice to see you,” or “is that a new hairstyle?” or even “how about a little drinkie-poo?” No – “you’re closed up.” Let me tell you if that doesn’t get your downstairs flooded, nothing will.

        He then either hypnotized me for three hours or swung a watch back and forth for that amount of time. I’m inclined to think it’s all nonsense, but I have to admit I have no idea how the black latex catsuit and the cursed 3,000-year old Chinese incense burner from the museum got into my handbag. At the end of it I had a feeling that was very similar to an orgasm. Or I think so. Orgasms are when you have a string of little farts that no one can hear but everyone smells, right?

        In any case I think I am becoming more and more authentic, hand-worked, union-made and cruelty-free with no artificial sweeteners and absolutely no money down or interest for the first three installments. I am balancing this out by replacing various bodily humors with silicone-based gels, so I should be a cross between a Stepford Wife and the Flying Nun by this time next March.

        Either way, authentic fake me hates boring dinner and drinks dates, loves being silly and adores the prom. I couldn’t find an actual prom to attend, so we went to a nursing home on topless night. Andrew dresses as a donut and raps so I figured he’s already legally blind and deaf (no, seriously, check it out: http://www.youwontbelievethemoronimdating.com).

      • Dr. Gary says:

        I bet poor Andrew will have a bad case of the Cankleshausen once he finds out she linked to him in her Bravo column. Yikes.

        Remember kids: never, EVER the Donkey.

      • Guam but not forgotten says:

        once again this column reads like a college newspaper article written by a sophomore who wants to get noticed.

        Except for “in my ELLE column” which seems to be sprinkled into the column like a bit too much salt.

  94. virgil reid says:

    im listening to amy on emily’s show. amy is definitely someone with an eating disorder.

    • crazytrain says:

      She just sounds like such a miserable, negative person. I really feel bad for her.

    • Wonkeye says:

      When she finally stopped trying to impress Lewis with her new relaxed persona and threw that hamburger bun to the side, it was ON! “I was going to consume CARBS for you, LEWIS!”

      • Albie Quirky says:

        “Eff that!”

      • SilverBulletViBRAYtor says:

        The second I saw her plain burger, guiltless of fries, I knew she wouldn’t eat the bun. I firmly believe she walked out of the diner to avoid consuming ANY of it, especially on camera.

        • sassysangria says:

          She clearly looks (and acts) like she hates herself. She’s got plastic surgery up to Jesus, and she could not drink hot chocolate without mentioning going to the gym in the morning to run it off. This girl needs serious therapy and McNuggets.

  95. helobabe says:

    There was a lot of lip liner abuse in this episode. Scary.

  96. Blinking.SOS.at.the.Camera says:

    Oh dear. She just said on Emily’s show that her and JellyD got “quite serious”. Dude is marked for life.

  97. Malformed Face (Like a Bloated Deli Ham Left in a Hot Mercedes C Class) says:

    Donkey is on the radio! “Emily, guys think when they hear about our jobs… that’s a pass to the kink.” Um… Donkey you have no job.

    Julia says she and Andrew “got very serious.” Mmmmm-kay.

    Menace wonders if Andrew was scared off by Prom but Julia says no! Donkey says if a guy can’t handle a prom date, he can’t handle her!

    Donkey is proud of herself – she made dating Andrew happen. She is reading their private FB messages on the radio to each other. WHY DOES SHE STILL HAVE THESE????

    • Malformed Face (Like a Bloated Deli Ham Left in a Hot Mercedes C Class) says:

      Menace says if he got a message like this, he would think they were going to pound town. Julia says they did.

      WUT?

    • Malformed Face (Like a Bloated Deli Ham Left in a Hot Mercedes C Class) says:

      Julia says “reality shows can be a tool for enlightenment.” LULZ

      She “humiliated herself in the service of womankind.” Meance says, “the term crazy comes to mind–“

      • Dyspeptic says:

        spinny spin spin, only way to spin her loud Bravo toolishness is to claim the experience changed her into the normal healthy Julia she is today.

    • Albie Quirky says:

      So much Canklehausen now. Poor Jelly Donut. She is getting her revenge for the pump and dump.

      • Malformed Face (Like a Bloated Deli Ham Left in a Hot Mercedes C Class) says:

        Very telling he did not tweet to his Twitter fans that he was on the show… nor has he answered any of her half dozen tweets.

        • Dr. Gary says:

          EXCUSE YOU.

          Andrew is in Alaska right now, incommunicado (or so Julie said on Emily’s show).

      • Malformed Face (Like a Bloated Deli Ham Left in a Hot Mercedes C Class) says:

        Also – where is the video that she was supposed to be staring in that Jelly D said would “drop” in April?

        I HOPE WE GET TO SEE THEM SHOOTING IT!!!!!

      • G$'s Paddleboat to Hell - R.I.P says:

        Real question: how does she shut up long enough to have sex?

  98. virgil reid says:

    her parents must be really proud that she talks about going to pound town with jelly d.

  99. Prof. F Camping Prof. F Camping says:

    Donkey said she “humiliated herself in the service of womankind.” Yes, she actually said that.

    • Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

      She really does believe she is a virtuous special snowflake, no matter how horrifyingly she embarrasses herself. She isn’t filled with self-loathing; she’s in love with herself and is pissed off that no one else is.

    • Malformed Face (Like a Bloated Deli Ham Left in a Hot Mercedes C Class) says:

      My fav part is when Donkey didn’t know she was on the radio she was swearing up a store calling something “bullshit.”

      So. nice.

    • Badonkeydonk says:

      Womenkind respond: Thanksno

  100. Dr. Gary says:

    Why was the ‘Happiness Expert’ touching Julie’s feet???? Ewwwwwwwwwwwww.

    • Malformed Face (Like a Bloated Deli Ham Left in a Hot Mercedes C Class) says:

      Hoof fetish?

      • F. Scott Bitchgerald says:

        He just wants to reinforce that there is nothing wrong with Julia. Man wanted to sell it by making her feel better about the hooves first.

  101. Dr. Gary says:

    I just noticed something that I’d never noticed before. Julie has ‘dead eyes’. Like a shark.

  102. Dr. Gary says:

    Why does she call every guy she goes on a date with ‘kid’? It’s creepy and weird.

  103. Norse Horse, Sisyphean Bolder says:

    “I am a Prom girl. I would go to Prom every year for the rest of my life, if I could.”

    Isn’t Prom an antiquated, agonizing and expensive experience for teenagers everywhere? Boys and girls. Who you’ll ask, whether they’ll accept, the costs of dinner and a limo and what you’ll wear, the tuxedo you’ll rent (boys) or the dress you have to buy (girls). Huge expense and expectations laid on teenagers! Just fraught with tension, and yes, a popuarity contest too. How great. No wonder an asshole like Julia loves such a thing. I was lucky with my prom- still pretending to be hetero, a lovely girl said yes, a rich-boy guy friend pay for the rest. But what an ordeal of expectation. Teenage romance from the 50’s. Oh, I let that pretty girl down so much at the end of the night. She wanted romance, not sex, but more than a kiss, and I just couldn’t give it to her. I still feel badly for letting her down that night.

    Fuck Prom. What a conformist, shit-head, expensive event, filled with exalted expectations, to lay on teens, who tend not to have much money, unless they’re spoilt and rich, like my friend was. Just, such a huge uncomfortable scam, an awkward social masquerade of teens pretending to be adults. As if adult life meant dancing the night away like Fred Astaire and Ginger in formal attire. Of course someone like Julia loves that shit. Because she’s fucked in the head.

    • Andy Whorehol says:

      At first I was convinced she’s re-re after watching her screech “PROMMMM!!!” repeatedly tonight. But then I realized, tards are lovable.

    • RollsRoyceRevenge says:

      I think it had its place back when dancing the night away like Fred and Ginger was still actually part of adult culture. But it has become an irrelevant scam.

    • RollsRoyceRevenge says:

      Now that I think of it, I think she loves prom because that’s the last time she was invited to anything people dressed for. What black-tie event worth the engraving on the invitation has her on the guest list? She sees prom as a pinnacle because for her it WAS a pinnacle.

    • afghani says:

      I feel the same way about most of the exalted HS experiences–not that they don’t have value, in theory, but that our laughably bankrupt and materialistic culture drain out any value and sometimes do quite a bit of harm.

    • juliaspublicist says:

      This gay went to prom with the class slut. She got laid, and I didn’t. That’s pretty much all I remember.

    • Dr. Gary says:

      We had a limo, did lots of coke, danced our asses off and ended up at a hotel in downtown LA. I had fun, but I don’t sit around obsessing about it now. It’s called GROW THE FUCK UP.

    • JuliasTooSmallTutu says:

      My high school’s Senior Prom used to be held at the Waldorf Astoria and that was why I wanted to attend, just to be able to say that I attended a formal event at the Waldorf. Then, when I was a Junior, a guy at the Senior prom either attempted to or actually did a swan dive off the grand staircase and my school was no longer allowed to have the prom there. So I didn’t attend and I never gave it another thought.

      • Sake Bombardier says:

        I kind of love that guy, though you must have hated him at the time. Sorry for your loss.

  104. Donkey Punch says:

    Amy needs to check herself into rehab for her eating disorder and terminal bitterness. Seriously, how can she not be clinically depressed? And did you see her fug apartment? I feel bad for her. It’s like she can’t help spreading her misery to everyone she encounters.

    • Andy Whorehol says:

      She’s probably just depressed because of her eating disorder coupled with missing recent invites to Pound Town. Bitch just needs a wheel of cheese and a night involving anal beads, twitching Alan Busey, and crusty pillows.

    • afghani says:

      I didn’t pay that close of attention to that segment, but what was fug about her apartment? I did notice she has great views from some large southeast-facing windows. And they showed her bathroom last episode and it looked like it was all travertine with a jacuzzi tub.

      • Albie Quirky says:

        Her living room was small and filled with ugly cheap-looking art.

        • "40 lbs heavier, older, midwest" - Observations from an Agent says:

          Yeah. What was with all that weird crap from Pier 1 cluttering her walls and serving as “art?”

  105. My Ears Hurt says:

    ATTENTION: JULIA ALLISON

    fuck you.

  106. Dr. Gary says:

    I hate to say this, but I think Julie might get exactly what she has always wanted. To be famous and adored for just ‘being her’. Jimmy Fallon tweeting about her and the show, she’ll be on WWHL with Andy Cohen next week and now she has all these girls tweeting at her, saying how much they also love prom, tiaras, pink, etc.

    Sigh…

    • Jack the Bulldog says:

      There is no god. And now I am sad & tired and must get some sleep. To dream of ratty old prom dresses & stolen tiaras …

    • JuliasTooSmallTutu says:

      She won’t get famous from this show, the thing about most reality television is that it’s incredibly disposable. It’s a literal fifteen minutes of fame and then it’s on to the next crazy woman, unless she was on a successful franchise like Real Housewives, she’ll be forgotten two weeks after this train wreck ends its run.

      • Dr. Gary says:

        I hope so. Otherwise, as Jack said, there is no God.

      • Blinking.SOS.at.the.Camera says:

        Miss Albertson does have a tendency to get exactly what she wants and therein lies the source her “Sisyphean” discontent.
        What she wants is invariably materialistic and shallow; every single time; she favors appearance over substance, take over give, herself before others, sycophantry over friendship, etc. Every single time.
        She gets everything she says she wants, and it amounts to nothing … except more emptiness, more desperation. She’s running out of time to play the “hot young babe” looks card (and you can see how well she’s managed that), the forever 14-year-old daddy’s pink princess card, and the exhibitionist making a spectacle herself card. They are all already stale-dated, but she still relies heavily on what’s left of them, and will continue to do so as long as it gets attention, and she will never get enough attention.
        What’s left all involves real work: writing, appearing on a regular television program, running a kick-ass web site that can be monetized. None of these things can be done in a lasting way without real work, therefore, fail.
        Being noticed by Diablo Cody, Jimmy Fallon, and crowding in for the umpteen pictures she’s posted with other name-recognition celebs gives her that jolt of “I’m so special” adrenaline she needs to wake up in the morning, but it doesn’t pay the rent. She needs someone else to do that. And I pity the fool.
        Yet, as others recently mentioned here, even with the wedding, the husband, the money, she’ll still be a grasping loon because as her life-long dreams — whether “jobs” or “boys” or “fame & glory” — are realized, their ultimate superficiality and emptiness will leave her continually unfulfilled, continually braying and stamping her hooves for more, more, more.

    • Sake Bombardier says:

      She’s getting pumped and dumped by reality. It’s such a bully!

    • virgil reid says:

      i think bravo has to at least save face and have her appear on WWHL. as for the “fame”, think about the real world cast people. they get a couple of months of great perks and free stuff and then a new cast comes along, and they’re old news. i think julia will get some “buzz” while the show airs, but once it’s done, it’s done. the fall programming is a lot sexier and given there will not be any season two of miss advised, i don’t think trying to drop that she was on miss advised will really do much in terms of career opportunities and honestly doubt any of her twitter fans will remember her name in a year.

    • CaptainGary says:

      Shhh…there, there. Sometimes it’s OK to let the Captain be the Doctor…

      Think of it this way – isn’t it sad that THIS is what she’s always wanted? She as much as admitted she’s not a writer – rather, that she chose to be a writer (and we know it’s to get famous in a way that Daddy approves of) and that she struggles with it. And, honestly, if what she wants is to be famous for being her…well, then that pretty much means she won’t be loved, since it’s is if herself is a crazy fucking loon who stopped growing mentally at 13.

      I can live in that world – I just can’t live in a world where she’s RESPECTED.

  107. Fake Kidney Infucktion says:

    Does anyone think Amy is on something? The weird behavior, the weird facial expressions. IDK, she just seems so off.
    Or she’s probably just a jerk and I’m looking for an excuse because I refuse to believe anyone could act like that normally.

    • JuliasTooSmallTutu says:

      There was a good, yet sorely underrated show on The WB called “Grosse Point” that was about the making of a teen drama like “Dawson’s Creek”. One of the actresses was a raging bitch, in one episode she had to gain weight for a role and she turned into a total sweetheart. Diagnosis? She was a bitch because she was always hungry.

      • pearipathetic donkey says:

        So basically, that chicken pot pie might have been the key to her happiness? Not surprising since pot pie is delicious.

      • LEFOOLIEH says:

        First of all, I loved this show (co-sign on underrated) and I’m almost sure you mean Lindsay Sloan who played Marcy and eventually also became “that bitch” in the first “Bring It On”.

        • JuliasTooSmallTutu says:

          It was the other one played by Irene Molloy who was the bitchy one and she is supposedly now working at a California Pizza Kitchen in NYC. Lindsay played the meek, bulimic one who was based on Tori Spelling. Fun fact: the network forced them to retool her character because they didn’t want to piss off Aaron Spelling who produced three shows for them.

          • LEFOOLIEH says:

            Ahhhh, thank you! I think I got things totally confused because L. Sloane was the bitch in BIO and so damn good at it that I couldn’t get that characterization of her out of my head. Fun show though, I wish it’d stayed on! Also loving the fun fact because Tori got a shitload of allowances by sheer fact of being Aaron’s daughter… ridiculous and so very 90210.

    • bitchface says:

      I think she’s just an uptight bitch with a mega stick up her ass

    • Hobby partner says:

      Amy also freaked out a couple of weeks ago when the waiter brought her hot chocolate with whipped cream. I have no sexpertise like these gals obviously do, but it would seem to me that it would be a great turn-off to a guy if his date didn’t eat / was so picky about having one freaking sweet on a date .

      • Badonkeydonk says:

        Chicks who won’t eat are like guys who are stingy with the tip. You just know they are crap in the sack.

        • Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

          This is so true.

        • CDB says:

          well yea if a guy is stingy with the tip he certainly ain’t gonna be satisfying no deep itching lovin need.

        • Malformed Face (Like a Bloated Deli Ham Left in a Hot Mercedes C Class) says:

          Okay – I’m a moron – I did not know this but now I can’t stop thinking about a guy I dated for a while who was super cheap… and bad in the sack. Damn, I will keep that in mind.

          Greasy????

  108. bitchface says:

    “My whole life I”ve struggled to be this perfect person who’s not lovable…”

    My God, crying within 20 seconds of the show.
    That guy was hot until he told her there is nothing wrong with her.

    “I do worry about people not loving me, whether it be my Elle readers or the guys I date. That seems to be my underlying security with EVERYTHING.” (all 12 of her Elle readers?)

    OMG….. I think the editors are having a laugh at all of them. With basically NO background info, they just come across as sad and lame and worthless….

  109. bitchface says:

    “Maybe I should just become a lesbian.”

    “I have 2 speeds – I have like, sweats and lulu lemon, and I have dresses. And I don’t understand this middle Californian speed….(Come into) my girlie haven. ”

    “I have this soft spot in my heart for prom. The real me is a prom girl. I saved all of my prom dresses – every dance I went to in my entire life. I don’t WEAR them. I love them!”

    blondie: “You’ve never met him; are you sure you want to do that?”
    “YES!”

    “THIS *IS* THE REAL ME. I’ve spent 15 years being the real me. William didn’t like the regular Julia. I am tired of boring dates. I want something different. Specifically something where I can wear a tiara.”

    “My Elle readers are going to get a kick out of it.” “Prom is the night where magical things happen. It didn’t technically happen to me.” (DING DING DING)

    blondie: “It’s DIRTY!”
    “Noooooo, it’s vintage!”
    blondie: “No, it’s dirty.”

    blondie: “I think you need to wait until a little closer to Halloween…”
    “NO”

  110. bitchface says:

    OMG the matchmaker uptight Amy needs a stylist to make her look like she didn’t try to go on a date with a 28 year old.

    Seriously.

    PS why is the stylist torturing the dog by not putting it down???

  111. bitchface says:

    dude: “you’re stealing my dignity and now you’re going to steal my comfort as well?”

  112. bitchface says:

    Please, AS IF she didn’t try that dress on before going. She tries every one of her prom dances on every night before she goes to bed (and sometimes even fall asleeps in one)

  113. Stinky Velour says:

    Ciao fatties! I’m in Brasil & killing some time reading the epic & awesome comments about Prom Episode. Whoa—-
    Sad-sack Julie’s obsession with Prom is Pathetic…..move on!!!! Real life is so much better than amateur hour prom !!
    Granted I am a very lucky cat-dude and have super amaze-balls adventures on 100+ continents . Wouldn’t a normal healthy person rather have new adult adventures/dinners/galas than a juvenile hormonal Prom? The theory that Julie is developmentally slow is gaining ground with me. Perhaps druggie issues too. I have learned a new awareness about NPDs around me—-thanks again Fatties for all the laffs!

  114. bitchface says:

    OMG she has to ASK for yet another kiss (do you think the guys even close their eyes?)

    This is beyond sad sad sad sad sad sad saddy saddy sad sad.

  115. How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

    D0NKEY: “You have my number.”
    JELLY DONUT: “I do. I’ve seen you on Facebook before.”

    Jelly Donut has your “number” alright, Julia Allison … the entire internet, including your bought-&-paid-for fans in the ‘stans Twitter followers, recognizes your insanity, you barking mad lunatic.

    • Barking Mad says:

      If this keeps up I will need earplugs for all the ringing! This episode sounds like the most insane yet!

  116. Badonkeydonk says:

    I feel like we didn’t spend nearly enough time on that awful, oversized, quilted, pink, heart-shaped shoulder bag. It was like giant Kotex bag or something.

    Another time, I guess.

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