Donk Donations!
Because Even Obese, Jealous, Basement-Dwelling Cat Ladies Need Sustenance
Recent Comments
- Grifty Shades of Bray on If Donkey Had Really Been Punched In The Face …
- Mom in a Minivan on If Donkey Had Really Been Punched In The Face …
- How Brayella Got Her Hoove back on If Donkey Had Really Been Punched In The Face …
- How Brayella Got Her Hoove back on Donkey Has A Little Pop of Horror Down On Skid Row
- Dyspeptic on If Donkey Had Really Been Punched In The Face …
-
Recent Posts
Tweets From a Twit
Places We Like To Frequent
Archives
Meta
First?
Alexandra, you are new and you must be baptized for your sin….
My apologies. I’ve seen others do it in older posts
May I say that I’m actually honored to be rat-a-tat-tatted by that adorable kitten?
That’s the only reason I bother doing it anymore. I tried pressing the “learn button” and stopping, but that adorable kitten… who could deny him?
I won’t do it again, but that gif was totes worth the faux pas.
TOTS
(welcome)
Eh, I spell it phonetically. “Tots” makes me hungry for taters
Tots is an RBD thing
SIX MINUTES TO GO!
A little longer for the west coast! Will DVR it, but I’m gonna stalk on here so I can read the reactions.
That’s the face he makes when he fakes an orgasm with A Donkey.
Am I the only one who is terrified that pervy Aaron Sorkin is going to reemerge? I had nightmares about him…
The kissing spaz? Dear lord…
So I got inspired by the screengrabs posted by Miss Assvice (thank you!), and made my first-ever gifs. Whoopee!
Julia shows off her pink shitkickers:
Seizure-inducing mugging for the camera:
Brilliant! That horse in the corner (or the donkey) should be farting, though
LOVE it! It’s beyond my sad skillz, tho.
Winegasm:
A “happiness expert.” For fuck’s sake.
Happiness Expert? I wish I decided on a glass of wine instead of a smoothie tonight and we’re not even 10 mins in.
The happiness expert is kind of hot, though, except for the hair.
She is going to hit on him.
Her apartment makes me sad. That space could look so great and it looks like a hospital instead.
“Experts are trying to solve your problems, I’m telling you you don’t have any.” Yep. This is exactly the kind of professional help Julia needs.
Oh Christ, she’s crying again.
NICE EYELASHES
Do you like my phony accent, Julia? I’m a HAPPINESS EXPERT and I’m here for YOU, YOU, YOU! And he just told a sociopath she is “normal, smart and successful.” No.
What crap! Here come the phony faucets!
It’s so sad that they show Emily on her radio show, Amy talking to a client, and then Donkey fake typing. They really aren’t trying to sell her job very hard.
Yet another person telling her to be “real” and suggesting she’s a fake.
Being a writer is the career she’s decided on.
That was redonkulous. If being a writer isn’t working (or you don’t enjoy it), then try finding a real job, you donkey! UGH I can’t stand her.
This is a moment where I allllmost feel bad for her. Truly, no one loves her. Her parents I guess but they seem so ashamed of her on top of it.
She needs so much therapy. Sell the self-help books, stop burning lists – and put that energy into finding a competent, licensed professional. Really – no snark intended.
She could be loved if she wasn’t such an attention-seeking, loud-mouthed, self-obsessed, obnoxious fucking asshole. It’s not that difficult. Stop being an attention-seeking, loud-mouthed, self-obsessed, obnoxious fucking asshole. Why doesn’t some expert tell her that?
My moment of pity has passed, and this really is true. She needs to be less obsessed with unconditional love and more obsessed with trying to make herself actually somewhat loveable.
She doesn’t deserve your sympathy. She’s just bonkers and I don’t totally blame hte parents.
I can’t take her crying donkey tears AT ALL
Oh hey, Jack McCain’s belt..
OMG did he have his hand resting on her foot??
My best friend T says the happiness expert is a major creeper.
Maybe, but that fake accent and “loving advice” to a donkey is gonna get The Creeper his SAG card!
Crocodile Dungrift?
So by the end of that scene, she had her stinky hooves stuck towards his crotch.
I think his hand was on her foot — **SHUDDER** — wasn’t it?
I thought I imagined that! *shiver*
Fake crying requires liquid tears Julia, perhaps a little less eye liner and fake lash jungle as well…
I liked her sweater in that scene. That’s the best compliment I’ve had about anything in this whole series so far.
Really? That sweater? Really?
It coordinated with The Belt.
The Belt should get a screen credit. Or a SAG card.
Adderall percoset adderall percoset adderall percoset. JA needs to get clean, and then she needs a real doctor, so says T, an outside and innocent person.
‘Adderall percoset adderall percoset adderall percoset.’
You rang?
Doesn’t it sound DELICIOUS, Dr. G??
I just go with coffee and alcohol
Long boring article in the NYT today about sorority coaches mentioned an example of Indiana U girls being particularly harsh in shutting out and shutting down girls at rush time. Was that the fatal narcissistic wound?
It is pretty weird. Miss Sarah Milligan got into a good sorority, maybe Julia didn’t and that’s why she left Indiana U all of a sudden?
Didn’t she mention once that all three non-society girls were in the same sorority? Gtown doesn’t have sororities, sooo…
Maybe Julia rushed a sorority at IU and didn’t get in.
Maybe all of them
Julia and the sororities have left the door open.
They are all sisters and I believe Sarah is in the same one. JA and SM at Indiana, Meghan and Mary at USC.
kappa kappa gamma, if i recall correctly.
I believe they were all Delta Gammas…
I can’t imagine that she was in a sorority. She would be name dropping it ALL the time. We’d see her “sisters” at every turn… No way would she leave out a detail like that!
excellent theory.
I grew up in Indiana and I come from a family who all went to IU and I knew as a high-school kid that I would never want that or never could compete with that. I know the school is so big that it wouldn’t matter (I know that now), but ugh. That would have broken me. Did I just accidentally sympathize with her? LET ME SHAKE IT OFF.
Not that great a school so the bitches are 10x as evil as at better schools? Bwahahahahahahahah.
Jay is fuckin hott! Best thing about this whole shitpile.
Amy obviously has no good girl friends, because she should have been slapped by now. She “hates” those crazy annoying girls? Talk about self loathing.
Who’s the SoCal blonde skank is shades? Do we know her, Cat Ladies?
Jessica I forget her last name
I doubt we’ll see her again, but I did like her giving Donkey the side eye.
Oh. A lesbian thing. Toilet Julia must have said NEIGH NEIGH.
You know she practiced that scene. She said it like she thought she was so funny & it just was not.
This chick is equally horrified by her pretty pink princess bedroom.
You’re right Julie. You’re not a success.
OMG she thinks she’s mental.
Because she is? What fucktard keeps moldy prom dresses and stolen tiaras?
She tried talking sense to Julia, so I kind of love her for that. It’s apparent that when someone does tell Julia that she’s batshit she chooses not to hear her.
And Donk is looking very hefty in these scenes. And looks barking mad.
I think she had to pull out the Birthcray bash dress just to be able to put on something that fit in front of the cameras. Yeouch.
You rang?
Who has the canklehausen ointment? Pass me the tub.
Already used up and we aren’t even at the halfway mark!
You (sorta) rang?
we’ll need to order a case from amazon for next week #AmysChilli
Oh hi, Jordan’s tiara!!!
“It’s dirty!” “That looks like someone threw up” Okay, which one of you is this chick?
Exactly what I thought.
The cringes and comments from this chick cracked me up. How could donkey think this was normal behavior?
She is beyond cray cray.
“IT’S DIRTY!!!!”
OMG, everything we suspect is true. Everything.
OMG the horrifying Birthcray dress has been unveiled.
Who could forget that snap of Julia sitting on the top of the couch, widestance, heels on the couch? Mem’ries!
If being so into fucking prom at 31 fucking years old is the real you, then you’re going to be alone forever. It’s not magical and romantic. What a fucking disaster.
PPPRRRROOOOOOOM!
This bitch is re re. I’ve been reading here for quite a long time and always hoped the prom infatuation was an exaggeration on her behalf – ummm to see it live is really making me feel like she is totally mental.
It’s kinda awesome to watch her kill boners one at a time though…
Yeah, before seeing this episode I thought it was tongue-in-cheek, kind of like she found the idea of prom charming or youthful/innocent. The fact she is really focused on the actual prom activities is just… so so so sad.
Why does she put the dark eyeshadow on the inside of her eye? Aren’t you supposed to put it on the outside?
Also, quote from catfriend “So…is her face permanently stuck like that?” It was actually kind of sad, he said it with complete concern and no snark. He is so nice : (
Tell him not to worry. Thing will continue to shift and get progressively worse.
Also, you people have greater stamina than I have, because I just Kant with this fabricated shitshow that portrays the sad, sad existence of real life turd.
Good night, all.
“So…is her face permanently stuck like that?”
i guffawed.
“me elle readers will love it”
bwahahahahahahaahahahahahahaha
I just cannot manage to give a single fuck about Amy.
neither can Lewish.
#IwastedMyRedMeatOnHim?!
Ok, man cat and I were just watching and we were both equally freaked out by her closet. What grown ass woman has that much PINK FRILLY LACY crap in her closet??? He said shes the craziest one of the three. He knows nothing else about her.
And why does “IT’S VINTAGE!!!” mean you don’t get it laundered if it’s filthy? Jesus.
She looks seriously psycho in this episode so far. I mean like more than normal. Like scary psycho. Eeeep!!
I wish she would try to articulate why she loves prom so much. Is it the dressing up? Because you can do that at weddings and other events. Is it the dancing? Go salsa with Lewis. Is it trying to rewrite an unhappy adolescent into one in which you’re prom queen? I don’t have a suggestion.
I wonder if she had some traumatic prom experience or breakup? I don’t get it either. I have a friend that is so wedding obsessed, it’s just bizarre.
plus I think there was a trauma when Dan broke up with her before prom.
Yes I think that is the key narcissistic wound (and why he agrees to still be friends with her because guilt).
ha “trauma”
“proma”?
“I don’t have a suggestion”… LOL, of course you do, it’s the last option you proffered.
Imma go with the “Wedding Lite” theory coupled with the infamous fixation on “I like for people to see me all dressed up.”
Cancer Dan dumped her right before prom.
The end.
“I know nothing! I do yoga!”
I see Scientology on Julia’s horizon
Not unless they’re giving away free courses. She could always just try to marry Tom…
They start out free and then you pay and pay and pay
Emily does not really find things hot.
Emily is the most likeable, aside from looking ferrety half the time.
I still find her a little bit Sarah Jessica Parker’s dark-haired cousin. Maybe the voice?
Oh poor Emily. This guy seemed promising.
But why does her makeup look like such shit in her one-on-one sessions?
ugh. I want to watch this live with you cat ladies, but I’m stuck at the Mac store. and it’s hot in here.
come in chat PST.
Oh look at that, another limo! So authentic, since she was complaining about having to rent one last week.
Yes, but this is a stretch limo! Wasn’t the other one just a regular old limo?
After living in NYC, you’d think she would have absorbed the idea that an Escalade (very Conde Nast) or a town car (very “on my way to MSNBC”) would be a titch snazzier than the tacky limo.
But limo does echo the tedious, infantilizing “prom!” theme, so whatthefuck.
OMG the braying.
wait, Jelly D is short?
“youre stealing my dignity and now my comfort, too?”
Donkey’s voice. I.just.kant. Her braying at the date is like screetching on a chalk board.
Can Julia start shilling for eye make-up remover? The spit underneath the eyes is quite possibly the most foul thing I’ve ever seen.
Yes. Jesus! Grody to the fucking max!
And nice glitter eyeshadow. Jesus.
THOSE BOOTS!!!! Why does she try to make her legs look worse?!
No one is California dresses like that. She must stick out like a sore thumb. Also, that skirt is easily two sizes too small for her, she thought she got away with it because it’s black
My 15-year-old just said, “Is this their FIRST date? Dude, GET OUT OF THE CAR. Get out of the car!”
you learned him/her real good.
I wonder if, in retrospect, he feels bad for sleeping with an unstable woman who is obviously beyond desparate.
OMG the high-decibel braying. JESUS stop.
It’s really loud!!!! I don’t know how she ever gets a second date – but I guess she rarely does. The braying is never-ending.
My cat-friend is wearing headphones and still asked me to turn the TV down.
Is Jelly D attractive, Cat Ladies? Maybe in a D List Justin Timberlake way? Or does not being interested in a donkey make him more attractive?
Yes, he’s really cute. But short. And he needs to flee, as quickly as possible.
He’s really cute. I feel real pity for him.
i thought he was cute before i saw him in live action on show. now…meh. not really.
He was trying so hard to be a good sport. You wonder if he would have just checked out if the cameras weren’t rolling.
And this is such bullshit. If she didn’t fit into the dresses she was wearing a couple of years ago, why would she not have tried on the high school prom dress? And how did it fit??
LIES LIES LIES
She was fat then?
Na na we have seen the photo and she was scrawny then.
Lies then
Mancat: “she has the kind of voice you just wanna smack!” Hahahahahaha
How do you smack a voice?
Well he meant smack the person. SSSF. I be drank.
Your Elle readers will love this? Is their demographic now 13 year olds?
My roommate: “You’re telling me that kind of girl hasn’t put her prom dress on since she first wore it? Bitch, please.”
Also: “This isn’t going to work. He should be enjoying himself, not tolerating you.”
OH GOD THE YELLING
I love that being authentic to Julia apparently just means really, really loud.
You see, how can she not understand? She claims tearfully that she wants someone to love her, then pulls this shit. WHO COULD LOVE THAT?? WHO???
If you want to be loved, stop being a shrieking, obnoxious dickhead.
But, Jacy, she IS an obnoxious, shrieking dickhead and therefore unlovable.
OMG. I want to be watching this with you guys. sounds like some epic cray is being brung.
OH GOD THE YELLING
And wait, cheese on bread? I thought she couldn’t eat gluten and dairy??!??!?
If he can tolerate the REAL JULIA, he has to tolerate the shits that come with her. The mind architect was SO.RIGHT!
That mind architect should be brought up on charges for giving her permission to be like this.
My husband put a pillow over his face during the Julia’s Closet scene and I cried out “OMG! You have Canklehausen!” He thought it was weird that we had a term for it, until she popped out in the dress, and then he goes “Oh. I get it. Yes, I am feeling that cankle thing.”
LOL
classic! <3 that guy.
now the whole twitterverse knows “that cankle thing”. congrats Doc Gary, your SAT words are world renowned!
T: “She is SUCH a drug addict.”
Jelly D! You’re going to be a creepy mother.
Loving the crazy person music in the background.
I hope the dates actually get paid for wasting their time on this. I’d imagine 2 minutes into this date, Jelly D was ready to bolt.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Oh. My. God.
Oh.
My.
God.
LOL!!!!
Double LOL.
Great dance moves, loser. JESUS.
Ok, I am probably going to be the only one who thinks this, but this full-blown display of cray is the first time she’s seemed…as genuinely happy as someone can be when they don’t feel real emotions anymore? I don’t know. It seems nutso, beyond belief, but…there’s a part of me that’s like “let your really horrifying freak flag fly, honey.”
Her dancing. Oh greg, her dancing.
Another limo sexual harassment scene, coming up!
A friend of mine who’s a very successful OMG tech founder just emailed me:
“Watching Julia Allison on tv. Now I see why you dislike her so. She’s 100% narcissist. 100!”
Her dancing. What.
And then she tells Donuts that’s he’s a decent dancer! Like he’s Donkey-approved. What the everloving fuck!
*that! angry!
I KNOW.
Like she’s an expert dancer with her dancer’s bun. OK, honey. Keep doing those gang signs!
shut up, she went to the ballet that one time! granny took her to lessons!
I love this weekend. When she stalked Levin, tried on Levin’s engagement ring, crashed a party with awful Shira Lazar, was totally rude to the owner of the home where the party was held and ended up crying in a corner.
Running all over LA after she outed Codename TK and desperately trying to run into him!!! Lulz.
RIP, Prom King.
God bless that poor rich man.
She never loved him! But he dumped her entitled ass and then she loved him. And it took months to recover!
slain
but… but… he didn’t read self help books! only dusty old law textbooks and bar review books. he wasn’t enlightened enough for Le Donkarina.
“Hiiiii!” And off she goes, clomping around some shithole. And shut the fuck up about that checklist because this one’s gonna flee from you in terror, too!
“Our first kiss on prom night.” What a fucking loon!
She got teary eyed talking about it. Tonight’s episode is the strongest case for a true mental deficiency.
Agree – this is by far the worst episode of hers. If she really watches this thinking she comes off well, she needs meds.
She is retarded. Mentally fucking retarded.
She is trying so hard to be Zooey and she just comes off as “The Other Sister.”
The New Other Girl Sister! Coming to a strip club near you, this fall!
More kissing demands. How fuck does she not see how psychotic that is?
Amy’s about to rip Lewis’ head off… she’s going to kill him in this diner…
Haha, Lewis is busting her balls…
Why can’t Lewis just keep his mouth shut and get laid and then bring up these psychological debates. I mean, come on Lewis, you’re just cockblocking yourself.
It’s probably more fun to fuck with Amy than to actually fuck Amy.
Plus I’d be worried about the damage the cryogenic ice queen might do to my junk.
You might be right, although I kind of think she’d be a challenge to see if you could break through the facade and get her to relax.
Christ, the Amy/Grifter storyline is soporific. Wait! Are they in the Skylight Diner?!?! Excuse me, that is where I eat about once a day when in NYC!!
I’m so not into him…. which is surprising since all the men of Miss Advised are such catches.
I swear, for as much as Julie will never land a man cause she’s a loon, Amy is just as fucked–I almost prefer Donkey’s antics to Amy’s bitter, no-nonsense brittleness. At least Donkey pretends to have fun. Why does Amy even leave her house? She makes me so depressed.
Oh no! Amy and Lewis’s fake date storyline just ended! Viewers won’t sleep tonight!
I can’t decide who I like least in this scene — she is as terrible as always, but he could have tried to get through the big break-up without smirking.
I’m dying of Amy’s humiliation. Awful awful. Her eating disorder totally did not save her.
Amy is intolerable.
I feel so bad for Amy…she seriously does not know how to act in a date, I can’t even imagine her giving dating advice.
I can’t believe ANY of these fools give dating advice. Are they are supposed to be helping women find love, or are they supposed to be setting back the women’s movement? This might be the most anti-feminist show on television. Thank you, Andy Cohen for perpetuating the idea that women are desperate lunatics.
I SAW TINA PRAY.
So excited for the Pray cray!
when i saw that, i thought “Handbag is freaking out!”
woohoo!
Ohhhhh. So that’s Tina Pray! (there’s an episode clip on the Bravo site)
Feisty. Drunk.
Great — Julia won’t smugly overreact to this or anything.
jimmy fallon @jimmyfallon
Watching #MissAdvised on Bravo. I like Amy and Julia the best. However, I see Amy having a breakdown soon. Sex girl is growing on me.
Retweeted by Andy Cohen
Long time reader, first time poster. Couldn’t help but comment that Jimmy Fallon just tweeted he’s watching and “Likes Julia.” Wonder if he knows how she called out his former monologue writer?
He also thinks Amy is headed for a breakdown. After tonight, yes.
http://www.livestream.com/tradiov
Emily and Menace (Sex With Emily co-host) are doing a live post-show right now and Julia will be calling in.
Uggghhhh… I am listening to it in the background and it’s AWFUL! Not only does she reference her and Jelly D having sex, but she describes Emily’s’ David (?) as being (paraphrasing) “hot piece of midwestern man who she could take home to meet mom then have him do her doggy style”.
Greg. Ew.
Oh and she just said that people are tweeting her “positively” and saying that they see themselves in her so, in a way, she feels like she is “doing it for the girls”.
I want to update and say that Julia was awful. Emily, on the other hand, seems pretty likable and natural on her show.
Amy is a boner killer and acts like a fucking needy mess. I wouldn’t let her try to match my socks for me.
So many things about this ep Cankleshausened me, but the one that made me shriek aloud in pain was after the sunroof dorkosaurus kiss when Julie coyly said “More?”
I started telling the huscat about this ep and he stopped me after I recounted Amy and Lewish’s “Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf” burger date, saying “I’m already experiencing testicular shrinkage.”
Amy just didn’t want to eat the bun.
Donk: “more.”
JellyD: “you’re greedy.” (barely audible)
Please tell me JellyD didn’t hit that. Please.?
Amy is on Emily! oh dear
god this shit is dull…anything good with amy? did julia call in yet?
ok, they said julie will be on in a few minutes.
I am listening and trying not to fall asleep. What cat lady is going to call in?
Donkey’s Bravo blog is up. Proceed at your own risk. I’m on my phone or I’d post it.
Julia Allison
Prom!
Julia really, really loves prom.
33 min ago
PROMMM!
Oh, prom. Prom, prom, how I love thee.
As I wrote in my ELLE Guinea Pig of Love column, “Why prom? Oh, hell, who knows? Why do some people love bowling and others enjoy chess? Why do some people appreciate beer and others get off on NASCAR? It’s just whatever makes you happy. And prom makes ME happy. I love it. I love everything about it. I love the gowns and the boys in tuxedos and the dancing and the cheesy posed photographs and the limos and the adolescent camaraderie and the milestone event-ness of it all.”
I love the process of prom — the detailed planning, the selection of the date (Will he ask me? Should I ask him!?), the arguably even more important selection of the dress (long, short, puffy, slender, strapless, blue, red, black, pink?), the selection of which questionable creative up-do I should pay $50 at a hair salon to get and then subsequently be miserable about, remove, and do myself.
To me, prom is a moving art installation rife with opportunities for creative expression. It’s the first time in most people’s young lives that they have an opportunity to wear formal wear, for one. And there’s something special about a group of people — be they at a graduation or a dance or a charity event or a wedding — all dressed up with someplace to go, someplace reminiscent of 1950s Americana, like the Enchantment Under the Sea dance in Back to the Future or Betsey Johnson’s ‘50s prom-inspired collection. (If I were making the calls, prom would always be set in 1955. But with iPhone cameras.)
More than anything, I love me a ball gown. Especially ones with lots of tulle, those that swish and swoosh around as you walk, those that billow and cocoon you in swatches of glamorous fabric, those that make you feel, well, like a princess! And I REALLY love me a man in a tux (I think we can all agree, every male looks a little more debonair, a little more James Bond, when they slip on a dinner jacket.) I even love Jessica McClintock. Don’t hate. I’m from the Midwest.
For my junior year prom I actually convinced my entire group of girlfriends to wear matching tiaras. Yes, really. Some (sparkly) things don’t change.
In case you weren’t already convinced of my inveterate geekiness, senior prom, I went — platonically — with my debate partner, Andrew. (Yes, Andrew. Same name as my date in this episode!) The dress I wore? That very same blue tulle strapless gown, bought at Nordstrom, if I remember correctly. Or maybe Bloomingdale’s. Either way, I hadn’t tried it on since I was 18 — that’s 12 years (at the time this was filmed)! I was terrified prior to surprising Andrew, because I literally didn’t know whether it would zip up or not. And I didn’t have another dress. HA!
But I’m getting ahead of myself. We start this episode with me freaking out about writing. Sigh. As I write in my ELLE column:
My “writer’s anxiety” (which sometimes morphs into the more virulent and better known “writer’s block”) isn’t exactly a new phenomenon with me, but it’s gotten exponentially more severe in the last few years. It manifests as an almost debilitating concern over how others will perceive my words, leading frequently to procrastination and temporary paralysis over articles that (in theory) I *want* to do — subjects that are engaging and intellectually stimulating and even, dare I say, fun.
I’ve published over 400 print articles and columns, and that’s not counting my thousands of blog posts … but many of them have been unnecessarily torturous experiences. I find that the more I care about the piece, the harder it is to write. Whether that’s because I interviewed someone I greatly respected or because I was writing it for a magazine I admired or because I was sharing something deeply personal and meaningful. The pieces that weren’t difficult were those I expected no one to read. Let’s put it this way: I don’t have writer’s anxiety in my diary. See the pattern?
Cue Peter Crone, the “mind architect” as he calls himself, or “happiness expert” as he is called in the episode. I greet him at my door, furious over my column, which isn’t going “perfectly.” I’m tense, rigid in my body, and Peter calls me out on it.
“You’re closed up,” he says.
“You shouldn’t be wearing a shirt,” I think.
Yeah, sorry. It’s hard to concentrate on enlightenment when someone that godlike sits mere inches from me on the couch.
As I go through the three-hour hypnosis (OK, OK, so he didn’t TECHNICALLY hypnotize me, but that’s certainly what it felt like), I felt my body — and then mind — relax. Sort of the way you feel after a glass of wine or a massage or … an orgasm. Calm and clear and very UNblocked.
I write more in depth about my experience with Peter in my ELLE column, but suffice it to say, he began the long process of disabling my inner (nasty) critics’ diatribe — which comes out both when I write and when I date, and doesn’t make either a more pleasant or authentic experience.
As I said to Peter toward the end of our session, I’m not really sure who the authentic Julia Allison is. But I know that I’m closer than ever to discovering it. Or maybe it’s not a static set of traits — maybe it’s dynamic, ever shifting.
Either way, that authentic Julia hates boring dinner and drinks dates, loves being silly, and adores prom. I couldn’t find an ACTUAL prom to attend (trust me, if I could have, I would have), but I though that a facsimile of one with a few twists — food truck, empty dive bar — would suffice. Besides, Andrew dresses up as a donut and raps for a living (seriously: http://www.mcjellydonut.com/), so I figured of all the people in the world who could handle this date, he could.
He could — and he did. Although somewhat nervous (mainly, he told me, about looking like an idiot in a tuxedo), he loved the food truck and REALLY loved the dancing (the kid can dance). As for our first kiss, standing up screaming out of the roof of a stretch limo? Pretty epic. I never got THAT on prom!
PROMMM!
I knew she was hot for the “happiness expert.”
“If I were making the calls, prom would always be set in 1955.”
Does she mean “whites only”?
That’s what I immediately thought too. Such an ignoramus. Does she have any idea how stifling, hypocritical, and how institutionalized racism was? That was the year, btw, that Rosa Parks defied the “back of the bus rule”. Such a tool is our donkey.
oh calm down, as Gram told her, multiculturalism stifles free speech. duh!
As a “Mexicans!” this was my first thought too. But then I remember we do this shit three years earlier for every fucking female cousin, parent’s friend’s daughter, all the teenage girls at church, etc., etc., etc. Jesus, Mexicans have a lot of kids.
oh my effing greg, did she really posit prom as a “moving art installation”??? Such an artiste, our Donkey.
Jesus, she was seriously rubbing herself when she wrote this. Be honored, BravoTV.com visitors. You were witnes to Julia Allison’s first genuine orgasm.
I bet they didn’t even have a conversation, because she kept squealing and screaming PROMMM the entire fucking date. The non-stop yelling about how much fun she was having, was a clear indication that they weren’t having any fun at all. She was trying to compensate for all the uncomfortable silences.
I really hope that there are very few 31 year old people in this world not know who their authentic self is.
It’s just bizarre, but I get it. It’s hard to settle on a persona when there are so many different men out there!
this is a load of rubbish.
Oh Prom! How I love the prom. Why? Well, it’s pink, not too long, makes me squeal and is a succession of balls that fly past my nose. Throw in some Hi-C cranberry punch and a chance to yell “Yee-haw!” out a sunroof and I am yours for the night, Teenage Male America.
Oh Elle Column! How I hate writing my Elle column. Why? Well, because I am aware that I suck at it, which isn’t an ideal point of entry for any given subject.
My mind architect, Peter Crone, showed up to chastise me today as part of my new regiment of having people who live in old school buses tell me what’s wrong with my life choices. I answered the door pissed off because the “I” on the keyboard wasn’t working anymore for some reason and the first thing out of his mouth is “you’re closed up.” Not “nice to see you,” or “is that a new hairstyle?” or even “how about a little drinkie-poo?” No – “you’re closed up.” Let me tell you if that doesn’t get your downstairs flooded, nothing will.
He then either hypnotized me for three hours or swung a watch back and forth for that amount of time. I’m inclined to think it’s all nonsense, but I have to admit I have no idea how the black latex catsuit and the cursed 3,000-year old Chinese incense burner from the museum got into my handbag. At the end of it I had a feeling that was very similar to an orgasm. Or I think so. Orgasms are when you have a string of little farts that no one can hear but everyone smells, right?
In any case I think I am becoming more and more authentic, hand-worked, union-made and cruelty-free with no artificial sweeteners and absolutely no money down or interest for the first three installments. I am balancing this out by replacing various bodily humors with silicone-based gels, so I should be a cross between a Stepford Wife and the Flying Nun by this time next March.
Either way, authentic fake me hates boring dinner and drinks dates, loves being silly and adores the prom. I couldn’t find an actual prom to attend, so we went to a nursing home on topless night. Andrew dresses as a donut and raps so I figured he’s already legally blind and deaf (no, seriously, check it out: http://www.youwontbelievethemoronimdating.com).
I bet poor Andrew will have a bad case of the Cankleshausen once he finds out she linked to him in her Bravo column. Yikes.
Remember kids: never, EVER the Donkey.
once again this column reads like a college newspaper article written by a sophomore who wants to get noticed.
Except for “in my ELLE column” which seems to be sprinkled into the column like a bit too much salt.
She is a really crap writer. Like, really fucking crap.
im listening to amy on emily’s show. amy is definitely someone with an eating disorder.
She just sounds like such a miserable, negative person. I really feel bad for her.
When she finally stopped trying to impress Lewis with her new relaxed persona and threw that hamburger bun to the side, it was ON! “I was going to consume CARBS for you, LEWIS!”
“Eff that!”
The second I saw her plain burger, guiltless of fries, I knew she wouldn’t eat the bun. I firmly believe she walked out of the diner to avoid consuming ANY of it, especially on camera.
She clearly looks (and acts) like she hates herself. She’s got plastic surgery up to Jesus, and she could not drink hot chocolate without mentioning going to the gym in the morning to run it off. This girl needs serious therapy and McNuggets.
There was a lot of lip liner abuse in this episode. Scary.
Oh dear. She just said on Emily’s show that her and JellyD got “quite serious”. Dude is marked for life.
She also just publicly said that they had sex.
well. that answered my earlier Q. Someone needs to interrogate JellyD!
Quite serious???? She went to SF like three times in that time period.
#poundtown
Good point! Looks like Julia is spinning another Jack McCain “the home we shared” story.
The dude fucked a donkey!
Donkey is on the radio! “Emily, guys think when they hear about our jobs… that’s a pass to the kink.” Um… Donkey you have no job.
Julia says she and Andrew “got very serious.” Mmmmm-kay.
Menace wonders if Andrew was scared off by Prom but Julia says no! Donkey says if a guy can’t handle a prom date, he can’t handle her!
Donkey is proud of herself – she made dating Andrew happen. She is reading their private FB messages on the radio to each other. WHY DOES SHE STILL HAVE THESE????
Menace says if he got a message like this, he would think they were going to pound town. Julia says they did.
WUT?
“Fake orgasm. Hee haw!”
Really? How did a boner survive the hee-hawing, braying, prom shit???
She means she faked *his* orgasm.
Julia says “reality shows can be a tool for enlightenment.” LULZ
She “humiliated herself in the service of womankind.” Meance says, “the term crazy comes to mind–”
spinny spin spin, only way to spin her loud Bravo toolishness is to claim the experience changed her into the normal healthy Julia she is today.
So much Canklehausen now. Poor Jelly Donut. She is getting her revenge for the pump and dump.
Very telling he did not tweet to his Twitter fans that he was on the show… nor has he answered any of her half dozen tweets.
EXCUSE YOU.
Andrew is in Alaska right now, incommunicado (or so Julie said on Emily’s show).
Also – where is the video that she was supposed to be staring in that Jelly D said would “drop” in April?
I HOPE WE GET TO SEE THEM SHOOTING IT!!!!!
Real question: how does she shut up long enough to have sex?
her parents must be really proud that she talks about going to pound town with jelly d.
So Kate Middleton!
“Oh, how cute! They went to a dog rescue place together! She’s so good with that little dog, whatever she’s calling it this week.”
#PoundTown is the new #BoneZone; or is it Penetrative Scrabble?
oh god, i want to vomit when I think of who tweeted about the Bone Zone.
lol
Donkey said she “humiliated herself in the service of womankind.” Yes, she actually said that.
She really does believe she is a virtuous special snowflake, no matter how horrifyingly she embarrasses herself. She isn’t filled with self-loathing; she’s in love with herself and is pissed off that no one else is.
You rang?
My fav part is when Donkey didn’t know she was on the radio she was swearing up a store calling something “bullshit.”
So. nice.
Womenkind respond: Thanksno
Why was the ‘Happiness Expert’ touching Julie’s feet???? Ewwwwwwwwwwwww.
Hoof fetish?
He just wants to reinforce that there is nothing wrong with Julia. Man wanted to sell it by making her feel better about the hooves first.
I just noticed something that I’d never noticed before. Julie has ‘dead eyes’. Like a shark.
She has eyes?
Lulz.
Why does she call every guy she goes on a date with ‘kid’? It’s creepy and weird.
I guess that’s what happens when you realize you look old enough to be your date’s mom.
They do the same thing on “Jersey Shore”.
“I am a Prom girl. I would go to Prom every year for the rest of my life, if I could.”
Isn’t Prom an antiquated, agonizing and expensive experience for teenagers everywhere? Boys and girls. Who you’ll ask, whether they’ll accept, the costs of dinner and a limo and what you’ll wear, the tuxedo you’ll rent (boys) or the dress you have to buy (girls). Huge expense and expectations laid on teenagers! Just fraught with tension, and yes, a popuarity contest too. How great. No wonder an asshole like Julia loves such a thing. I was lucky with my prom- still pretending to be hetero, a lovely girl said yes, a rich-boy guy friend pay for the rest. But what an ordeal of expectation. Teenage romance from the 50′s. Oh, I let that pretty girl down so much at the end of the night. She wanted romance, not sex, but more than a kiss, and I just couldn’t give it to her. I still feel badly for letting her down that night.
Fuck Prom. What a conformist, shit-head, expensive event, filled with exalted expectations, to lay on teens, who tend not to have much money, unless they’re spoilt and rich, like my friend was. Just, such a huge uncomfortable scam, an awkward social masquerade of teens pretending to be adults. As if adult life meant dancing the night away like Fred Astaire and Ginger in formal attire. Of course someone like Julia loves that shit. Because she’s fucked in the head.
At first I was convinced she’s re-re after watching her screech “PROMMMM!!!” repeatedly tonight. But then I realized, tards are lovable.
I think it had its place back when dancing the night away like Fred and Ginger was still actually part of adult culture. But it has become an irrelevant scam.
Now that I think of it, I think she loves prom because that’s the last time she was invited to anything people dressed for. What black-tie event worth the engraving on the invitation has her on the guest list? She sees prom as a pinnacle because for her it WAS a pinnacle.
I feel the same way about most of the exalted HS experiences–not that they don’t have value, in theory, but that our laughably bankrupt and materialistic culture drain out any value and sometimes do quite a bit of harm.
This gay went to prom with the class slut. She got laid, and I didn’t. That’s pretty much all I remember.
We had a limo, did lots of coke, danced our asses off and ended up at a hotel in downtown LA. I had fun, but I don’t sit around obsessing about it now. It’s called GROW THE FUCK UP.
My high school’s Senior Prom used to be held at the Waldorf Astoria and that was why I wanted to attend, just to be able to say that I attended a formal event at the Waldorf. Then, when I was a Junior, a guy at the Senior prom either attempted to or actually did a swan dive off the grand staircase and my school was no longer allowed to have the prom there. So I didn’t attend and I never gave it another thought.
I kind of love that guy, though you must have hated him at the time. Sorry for your loss.
Amy needs to check herself into rehab for her eating disorder and terminal bitterness. Seriously, how can she not be clinically depressed? And did you see her fug apartment? I feel bad for her. It’s like she can’t help spreading her misery to everyone she encounters.
She’s probably just depressed because of her eating disorder coupled with missing recent invites to Pound Town. Bitch just needs a wheel of cheese and a night involving anal beads, twitching Alan Busey, and crusty pillows.
I didn’t pay that close of attention to that segment, but what was fug about her apartment? I did notice she has great views from some large southeast-facing windows. And they showed her bathroom last episode and it looked like it was all travertine with a jacuzzi tub.
Her living room was small and filled with ugly cheap-looking art.
Yeah. What was with all that weird crap from Pier 1 cluttering her walls and serving as “art?”
It looked really impersonal and generic, like a corporate apartment.
ATTENTION: JULIA ALLISON
fuck you.
I hate to say this, but I think Julie might get exactly what she has always wanted. To be famous and adored for just ‘being her’. Jimmy Fallon tweeting about her and the show, she’ll be on WWHL with Andy Cohen next week and now she has all these girls tweeting at her, saying how much they also love prom, tiaras, pink, etc.
Sigh…
There is no god. And now I am sad & tired and must get some sleep. To dream of ratty old prom dresses & stolen tiaras …
She won’t get famous from this show, the thing about most reality television is that it’s incredibly disposable. It’s a literal fifteen minutes of fame and then it’s on to the next crazy woman, unless she was on a successful franchise like Real Housewives, she’ll be forgotten two weeks after this train wreck ends its run.
I hope so. Otherwise, as Jack said, there is no God.
Or a Greg.
Miss Albertson does have a tendency to get exactly what she wants and therein lies the source her “Sisyphean” discontent.
What she wants is invariably materialistic and shallow; every single time; she favors appearance over substance, take over give, herself before others, sycophantry over friendship, etc. Every single time.
She gets everything she says she wants, and it amounts to nothing … except more emptiness, more desperation. She’s running out of time to play the “hot young babe” looks card (and you can see how well she’s managed that), the forever 14-year-old daddy’s pink princess card, and the exhibitionist making a spectacle herself card. They are all already stale-dated, but she still relies heavily on what’s left of them, and will continue to do so as long as it gets attention, and she will never get enough attention.
What’s left all involves real work: writing, appearing on a regular television program, running a kick-ass web site that can be monetized. None of these things can be done in a lasting way without real work, therefore, fail.
Being noticed by Diablo Cody, Jimmy Fallon, and crowding in for the umpteen pictures she’s posted with other name-recognition celebs gives her that jolt of “I’m so special” adrenaline she needs to wake up in the morning, but it doesn’t pay the rent. She needs someone else to do that. And I pity the fool.
Yet, as others recently mentioned here, even with the wedding, the husband, the money, she’ll still be a grasping loon because as her life-long dreams — whether “jobs” or “boys” or “fame & glory” — are realized, their ultimate superficiality and emptiness will leave her continually unfulfilled, continually braying and stamping her hooves for more, more, more.
She’s getting pumped and dumped by reality. It’s such a bully!
i think bravo has to at least save face and have her appear on WWHL. as for the “fame”, think about the real world cast people. they get a couple of months of great perks and free stuff and then a new cast comes along, and they’re old news. i think julia will get some “buzz” while the show airs, but once it’s done, it’s done. the fall programming is a lot sexier and given there will not be any season two of miss advised, i don’t think trying to drop that she was on miss advised will really do much in terms of career opportunities and honestly doubt any of her twitter fans will remember her name in a year.
Shhh…there, there. Sometimes it’s OK to let the Captain be the Doctor…
Think of it this way – isn’t it sad that THIS is what she’s always wanted? She as much as admitted she’s not a writer – rather, that she chose to be a writer (and we know it’s to get famous in a way that Daddy approves of) and that she struggles with it. And, honestly, if what she wants is to be famous for being her…well, then that pretty much means she won’t be loved, since it’s is if herself is a crazy fucking loon who stopped growing mentally at 13.
I can live in that world – I just can’t live in a world where she’s RESPECTED.
Good point. I feel better. Thanks, Captain.
Does anyone think Amy is on something? The weird behavior, the weird facial expressions. IDK, she just seems so off.
Or she’s probably just a jerk and I’m looking for an excuse because I refuse to believe anyone could act like that normally.
There was a good, yet sorely underrated show on The WB called “Grosse Point” that was about the making of a teen drama like “Dawson’s Creek”. One of the actresses was a raging bitch, in one episode she had to gain weight for a role and she turned into a total sweetheart. Diagnosis? She was a bitch because she was always hungry.
So basically, that chicken pot pie might have been the key to her happiness? Not surprising since pot pie is delicious.
First of all, I loved this show (co-sign on underrated) and I’m almost sure you mean Lindsay Sloan who played Marcy and eventually also became “that bitch” in the first “Bring It On”.
It was the other one played by Irene Molloy who was the bitchy one and she is supposedly now working at a California Pizza Kitchen in NYC. Lindsay played the meek, bulimic one who was based on Tori Spelling. Fun fact: the network forced them to retool her character because they didn’t want to piss off Aaron Spelling who produced three shows for them.
Ahhhh, thank you! I think I got things totally confused because L. Sloane was the bitch in BIO and so damn good at it that I couldn’t get that characterization of her out of my head. Fun show though, I wish it’d stayed on! Also loving the fun fact because Tori got a shitload of allowances by sheer fact of being Aaron’s daughter… ridiculous and so very 90210.
I think she’s just an uptight bitch with a mega stick up her ass
Amy also freaked out a couple of weeks ago when the waiter brought her hot chocolate with whipped cream. I have no sexpertise like these gals obviously do, but it would seem to me that it would be a great turn-off to a guy if his date didn’t eat / was so picky about having one freaking sweet on a date .
Chicks who won’t eat are like guys who are stingy with the tip. You just know they are crap in the sack.
This is so true.
well yea if a guy is stingy with the tip he certainly ain’t gonna be satisfying no deep itching lovin need.
Okay – I’m a moron – I did not know this but now I can’t stop thinking about a guy I dated for a while who was super cheap… and bad in the sack. Damn, I will keep that in mind.
Greasy????
“My whole life I”ve struggled to be this perfect person who’s not lovable…”
My God, crying within 20 seconds of the show.
That guy was hot until he told her there is nothing wrong with her.
“I do worry about people not loving me, whether it be my Elle readers or the guys I date. That seems to be my underlying security with EVERYTHING.” (all 12 of her Elle readers?)
OMG….. I think the editors are having a laugh at all of them. With basically NO background info, they just come across as sad and lame and worthless….
“Maybe I should just become a lesbian.”
“I have 2 speeds – I have like, sweats and lulu lemon, and I have dresses. And I don’t understand this middle Californian speed….(Come into) my girlie haven. ”
“I have this soft spot in my heart for prom. The real me is a prom girl. I saved all of my prom dresses – every dance I went to in my entire life. I don’t WEAR them. I love them!”
blondie: “You’ve never met him; are you sure you want to do that?”
“YES!”
“THIS *IS* THE REAL ME. I’ve spent 15 years being the real me. William didn’t like the regular Julia. I am tired of boring dates. I want something different. Specifically something where I can wear a tiara.”
“My Elle readers are going to get a kick out of it.” “Prom is the night where magical things happen. It didn’t technically happen to me.” (DING DING DING)
blondie: “It’s DIRTY!”
“Noooooo, it’s vintage!”
blondie: “No, it’s dirty.”
blondie: “I think you need to wait until a little closer to Halloween…”
“NO”
OMG the matchmaker uptight Amy needs a stylist to make her look like she didn’t try to go on a date with a 28 year old.
Seriously.
PS why is the stylist torturing the dog by not putting it down???
dude: “you’re stealing my dignity and now you’re going to steal my comfort as well?”
Please, AS IF she didn’t try that dress on before going. She tries every one of her prom dances on every night before she goes to bed (and sometimes even fall asleeps in one)
Ciao fatties! I’m in Brasil & killing some time reading the epic & awesome comments about Prom Episode. Whoa—-
Sad-sack Julie’s obsession with Prom is Pathetic…..move on!!!! Real life is so much better than amateur hour prom !!
Granted I am a very lucky cat-dude and have super amaze-balls adventures on 100+ continents . Wouldn’t a normal healthy person rather have new adult adventures/dinners/galas than a juvenile hormonal Prom? The theory that Julie is developmentally slow is gaining ground with me. Perhaps druggie issues too. I have learned a new awareness about NPDs around me—-thanks again Fatties for all the laffs!
OMG she has to ASK for yet another kiss (do you think the guys even close their eyes?)
This is beyond sad sad sad sad sad sad saddy saddy sad sad.
D0NKEY: “You have my number.”
JELLY DONUT: “I do. I’ve seen you on Facebook before.”
Jelly Donut has your “number” alright, Julia Allison … the entire internet, including your bought-&-paid-for fans in the ‘stans Twitter followers, recognizes your insanity, you barking mad lunatic.
If this keeps up I will need earplugs for all the ringing! This episode sounds like the most insane yet!
I feel like we didn’t spend nearly enough time on that awful, oversized, quilted, pink, heart-shaped shoulder bag. It was like giant Kotex bag or something.
Another time, I guess.