Sooo … What is the perfect first date outfit? For ladies? For guys? Any total no-nos?
Um. . . donkey? Do you watch your own show?
The perfect dress for a first date is one that says to a guy, “You can take me home to your mom and I might give you a blow job on the way there.”
*Back to Die Hard 2, arguably the most peripatetic of the Die Hards. On a related note, because I am so over the donkey, if I were to rank the Die Hards, I would put them in the following order: 1, 3, 2, 4. Agree? Disagree? Discuss.
UPDATE: Feel free to be bitchy about her witchy column.
Guinea Pig of Love: The Witch Experiment
As it turns out, I’m the kind of girl who believes in witches.When I first started this series, I promised myself I would avoid all the “He’s Just Not That Into You” advice-givers and instead consult with unorthodox experts: psychic, tarot card reader, love therapist, and, well, witches.
After a childhood of church on Sundays with Mom and Dad, I quickly segued into a rabid-feminist-Ayn-Rand objectivist and adamant adolescent atheist. But during a rough patch at 26, I found myself reading Marianne Williamson’s seminal spiritual bestseller A Return to Love and spent the next few years studying and developing a deep faith and integrating “New Age” ideas like yoga, acupuncture, meditation, ashrams, and holistic medicine into my life.
My litmus test is simple: do I feel better coming out of the experience and in the days that follow? If so, as far as I’m concerned, it works. Because of that, The House of Intuition http://houseofintuitionla.com/, a sacred spot in East L.A. that offers everything from chakra balancing to crystal healing, has become my temple du jour. And they offer witches.
When I walk up the winding staircase to the house off of Sunset in Echo Park, I wasn’t expecting what I found: Maja—a self-described “White Witch”—is stunning, with blonde hair, shimmery white makeup with matching white feather earrings, and silver sparkly Uggs. She looks like Witch Barbie. Madga—“The Gypsy Witch”—is a slender, curvy Latin goddess. A modern witch, she gives readings over text message and tweets (Twitter handle: @Gypsy_Luv). I love them both immediately.
I begin my session with Maja. She asks what brings me here, and I explain my sense of being stuck in dating Groundhog Day, making the same mistakes over and over and over.
“If you want to know the future,” she says by way of introduction, “look at what’s happening right now.” I wince at the idea; I don’t want to look at what’s happening now, because what’s happening now is that I’ve been on three dates in a row with not so much as a single kiss. A future bereft of kissing? There’s no way. Clearly, I determine, I need a love spell. Maja asks me what I’d like the spell to do for me. “I would like to make new mistakes,” I say simply.
“I like your attitude, Julia,” she smiles. First, she asks me to write down on a sheet of paper all of the past negative patterns I’ve been harboring in my love life. We fold those up and put them in—yes—a cauldron. Then Maja hands me another sheet and asks me to list ten characteristics I’m looking for in “the perfect man.” Just ten? I laugh to myself. I have a 73-point-checklist already prepared! How do I cut 63 items?
As I’m puzzling over this, I begin writing “loving, kind, fun, intelligent…” and stop, perplexed. I’ve just written down “well-educated” and I realize at once the point of the exercise. Wouldn’t I be just as happy with a man who wasn’t “well-educated”? And if that was the case, how many other items on my list were unnecessary, and possibly holding me back from seeing an amazing partner?
Next, Maja has me mold a little clay figurine, called a golem, which will symbolize the romantically troubled me. Placing the golem in the cauldron with the two lists, she lights them on fire while chanting what I assume is my love spell. She asks me to stand over the cauldron and breathe deeply, allowing all of the negativity of my past to leave my body and enter the golem. I do as requested and almost burst into tears feeling the emotions flowing out of me—all the loneliness, disappointment, rejection, and shame. I want this pain gone.
“You are recreating yourself,” Maja explains. And I actually feel like I am.
Magda, the Gypsy Witch, then enters the room. She’s in charge of sealing the golem in a little (admittedly creepy!) casket, which she then instructs I throw away as quickly as possible. “You went through a ceremony that symbolized the death of some old habits, shedding some old painful skin. You’re being asked to plug into faith, to trust a process, to believe in something greater and its purpose. Otherwise, how could faith be the answer to someone who has attempted to be logical and methodical in analyzing and criticizing every aspect of herself and her love life?”
That next week, I toss my golem into the Pacific Ocean. It comes back three times before I finally give up and bury it in the sand. What happened that day at the House of Intuition was powerful. Do I think it worked? Well, I don’t think it hurt. And quite possibly I think it helped. Whether you want to call it a “placebo” effect or whether you really believe that the negative dating energy I had been carrying around like a Sisyphean bolder on my shoulders needed to get thrown in the ocean, it doesn’t really matter. What matters is that I made a concerted effort to draw a line in the sand: no more old patterns!
Since then, things have shifted. It’s no longer Groundhog Day with my dating life. I’m still making mistakes, but at least now they’re new mistakes. Better mistakes. And that’s progress. More than that, I feel calmer, more grounded, more at peace. I feel—dare I say? The first stirrings of contentment.
Um. . . “Whether you want to call it a ‘placebo’ effect or whether you really believe that the negative dating energy I had been carrying around like a Sisyphean bolder on my shoulders needed to get thrown in the ocean, it doesn’t really matter.”
Sisyphean. . . . SISYPHEAN BOLDER. I’m going to ignore the fact that the mythological analogy she was probably going for was Atlas.