That Was Four Episodes Ago! Feel Free To Relax!

Sooo … What is the perfect first date outfit? For ladies? For guys? Any total no-nos?

Um. . . donkey? Do you watch your own show?

The perfect dress for a first date is one that says to a guy, “You can take me home to your mom and I might give you a blow job on the way there.”

*Back to Die Hard 2, arguably the most peripatetic of the Die Hards. On a related note, because I am so over the donkey, if I were to rank the Die Hards, I would put them in the following order: 1, 3, 2, 4. Agree? Disagree? Discuss.

UPDATE: Feel free to be bitchy about her witchy column.

Guinea Pig of Love: The Witch Experiment

 

As it turns out, I’m the kind of girl who believes in witches.When I first started this series, I promised myself I would avoid all the “He’s Just Not That Into You” advice-givers and instead consult with unorthodox experts: psychic, tarot card reader, love therapist, and, well, witches.

After a childhood of church on Sundays with Mom and Dad, I quickly segued into a rabid-feminist-Ayn-Rand objectivist and adamant adolescent atheist.  But during a rough patch at 26, I found myself reading Marianne Williamson’s seminal spiritual bestseller A Return to Love and spent the next few years studying and developing a deep faith and integrating “New Age” ideas like yoga, acupuncture, meditation, ashrams, and holistic medicine into my life.

My litmus test is simple: do I feel better coming out of the experience and in the days that follow?  If so, as far as I’m concerned, it works. Because of that, The House of Intuition http://houseofintuitionla.com/, a sacred spot in East L.A. that offers everything from chakra balancing to crystal healing, has become my temple du jour. And they offer witches.

When I walk up the winding staircase to the house off of Sunset in Echo Park, I wasn’t expecting what I found: Maja—a self-described “White Witch”—is stunning, with blonde hair, shimmery white makeup with matching white feather earrings, and silver sparkly Uggs. She looks like Witch Barbie. Madga—“The Gypsy Witch”—is a slender, curvy Latin goddess.  A modern witch, she gives readings over text message and tweets (Twitter handle: @Gypsy_Luv). I love them both immediately.

I begin my session with Maja. She asks what brings me here, and I explain my sense of being stuck in dating Groundhog Day, making the same mistakes over and over and over.

“If you want to know the future,” she says by way of introduction, “look at what’s happening right now.” I wince at the idea; I don’t want to look at what’s happening now, because what’s happening now is that I’ve been on three dates in a row with not so much as a single kiss. A future bereft of kissing? There’s no way. Clearly, I determine, I need a love spell. Maja asks me what I’d like the spell to do for me. “I would like to make new mistakes,” I say simply.

“I like your attitude, Julia,” she smiles. First, she asks me to write down on a sheet of paper all of the past negative patterns I’ve been harboring in my love life. We fold those up and put them in—yes—a cauldron.  Then Maja hands me another sheet and asks me to list ten characteristics I’m looking for in “the perfect man.” Just ten? I laugh to myself. I have a 73-point-checklist already prepared! How do I cut 63 items?

As I’m puzzling over this, I begin writing “loving, kind, fun, intelligent…” and stop, perplexed. I’ve just written down “well-educated” and I realize at once the point of the exercise. Wouldn’t I be just as happy with a man who wasn’t “well-educated”?  And if that was the case, how many other items on my list were unnecessary, and possibly holding me back from seeing an amazing partner?

Next, Maja has me mold a little clay figurine, called a golem, which will symbolize the romantically troubled me.  Placing the golem in the cauldron with the two lists, she lights them on fire while chanting what I assume is my love spell.  She asks me to stand over the cauldron and breathe deeply, allowing all of the negativity of my past to leave my body and enter the golem.  I do as requested and almost burst into tears feeling the emotions flowing out of me—all the loneliness, disappointment, rejection, and shame. I want this pain gone.

“You are recreating yourself,” Maja explains. And I actually feel like I am.

Magda, the Gypsy Witch, then enters the room. She’s in charge of sealing the golem in a little (admittedly creepy!) casket, which she then instructs I throw away as quickly as possible. “You went through a ceremony that symbolized the death of some old habits, shedding some old painful skin. You’re being asked to plug into faith, to trust a process, to believe in something greater and its purpose. Otherwise, how could faith be the answer to someone who has attempted to be logical and methodical in analyzing and criticizing every aspect of herself and her love life?”

That next week, I toss my golem into the Pacific Ocean.  It comes back three times before I finally give up and bury it in the sand.  What happened that day at the House of Intuition was powerful. Do I think it worked?  Well, I don’t think it hurt. And quite possibly I think it helped.  Whether you want to call it a “placebo” effect or whether you really believe that the negative dating energy I had been carrying around like a Sisyphean bolder on my shoulders needed to get thrown in the ocean, it doesn’t really matter.  What matters is that I made a concerted effort to draw a line in the sand: no more old patterns!

Since then, things have shifted.  It’s no longer Groundhog Day with my dating life. I’m still making mistakes, but at least now they’re new mistakes. Better mistakes. And that’s progress. More than that, I feel calmer, more grounded, more at peace. I feel—dare I say? The first stirrings of contentment.

Um. . . “Whether you want to call it a ‘placebo’ effect or whether you really believe that the negative dating energy I had been carrying around like a Sisyphean bolder on my shoulders needed to get thrown in the ocean, it doesn’t really matter.”

Sisyphean. . . . SISYPHEAN BOLDER. I’m going to ignore the fact that the mythological analogy she was probably going for was Atlas.

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332 Responses to That Was Four Episodes Ago! Feel Free To Relax!

  1. juliaspublicist's rococo pile of polyester juliaspublicist says:

    P.S. Thank you to the commenter who is mercilessly screencapping the shit out of this show for Mommy and Daddy. Know that when Mommy and Daddy fight it is all your fault.

  2. I went to high school says:

    Good that you’re ignoring the “fact” she must have meant Atlas.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sisyphus

    • juliaspublicist's rococo pile of polyester juliaspublicist says:

      Oh, I am fully aware of the “boulder” in the myth of Sisyphus. I am also aware that he was not the figure burdened to carry a gigantic rock on his shoulders. Rather he just rolled it up a hill. Now shut the hell up, and pay attention in school.

    • Albie Quirky says:

      Sisyphus didn’t carry his boulder, he rolled it up the hill forever. She is conflating two myths—Atlas bearing the Earth on his shoulders, and Sisyphus rolling his boulder pointlessly up the hill, only to have it roll back down again.

      The myth she should be referring to is the legend of Aeneas and Anchises; if she could put her daddy baggage down for a nanosecond, she might escape the burning wreckage that is her life.

      • Shoe Bombardier says:

        I learned all I needed to know about Greek mythology from “Party Girl,” starring Parker Posey and my future husband Guillermo Díaz.

        Mary: It’s a metaphor for life, Leo. It’s famous. One must imagine Sisyphus happy.
        Leo: You’re telling me if your name is Syphilis and you spend your life lugging a fucking rock up a hill you wouldn’t be miserable?

        • Ass Baughers Syndrome says:

          Meh, she is always mixing her metaphors. We should round them up and bore people with them.

    • I went to high school says:

      The Odyssey, Book XI:

      “And I saw Sisyphus at his endless task raising his prodigious stone with both his hands.”

      It’s rather open to interpretation. A+ for literalism, though

      • juliaspublicist says:

        A+ for trying to justify Julia’s convoluted writing.

        • I went to high school says:

          I’m not, and I love your site. But when you have SO MANY other things to pick on, you oughtn’t pick a small thing she wasn’t wrong about! You lose credibility.

          • Sacred Scrapbooks, Golem Boomerang says:

            You’re hilarious.

          • juliaspublicist's rococo pile of polyester juliaspublicist says:

            The fact is she is mixing metaphors poorly. And neither of us will win this argument unless we are capable of translating the original Greek text, because translators are very liberal in their interpretations.

          • juliaspublicist's rococo pile of polyester juliaspublicist says:

            Plus arguing Greek mythology is far more entertaining to me than the Donkey these days.

          • Psychotic Today says:

            Picking at the small things does not lead to a loss of credibility. The entire piece was garbage. For people who love Greek mythology it just really drives home the point that she is an idiot. Also, there is no way she read, “The Odyssey.”

          • Wife Branding says:

            She’s most definitely conflating the two myths. Atlas carried around the weight of the world, Sisyphus rolled his rock fruitlessly. Both may apply in this situation but a good writer would know the difference and which cliche she’s reaching for. Or maybe not reach for a cliche.

      • Sacred Scrapbooks, Golem Boomerang says:

        And then, in his painful torment, I saw
        Sisyphus striving with both hands to raise
        a massive rock. He’d brace his arms and feet,
        then strain to push it uphill to the top.
        But just as he was going to get that stone 770
        across the crest, its overpowering weight
        would make it change direction. The cruel rock
        would roll back down again onto the plain.
        Then he’d strain once more to push it up the slope.
        His limbs dripped sweat, and dust rose from his head.

        from Ian Johnston’s translation

      • JuLIAR Allison (will never the learn button) says:

        Hey IWTHS, Julia keeps making the same mistakes over and over, which she views as her Sisyphean task, the emotional pain it causes her weighs heavily upon her shoulders, Atlas-style.

        As Albie said, she’s conflating the two, which is incredibly poor writing. This is the point we’re making.

        And for the record, we can pick on whatever the hell we want.

      • alessa says:

        I’m going to go ahead and take a gander and say she most probably heard of Sisyphus through Camus’ “The Myth of Sisyphus,” which probably helped make the whole Sisyphus story more mainstream. Bottom line, in this essay, Sisyphus is known for being condemned to strenuously “push a boulder” up a mountain, only to see it roll back down again. I am not an expert Greek translator myself, but the gist of it is the boulder was not being picked up and carried up the mountain, rather, pushed…. then rolling back down.

        my take: she’s definitely mixing this up with Atlas.

      • Cut! Don't use that. says:

        By “raising” they mean rolling it up a hill. She got it wrong, because she’s a blithering idiot who never studied and was too stupid to go to Georgetown without coming in as a transfer student after Daddy agreed to pay cash – a classic trick by private schools like G-town to scare up some extra bucks.

        This is the same uneducated hick who referred to “The Spanish Interrogation” – so yeah she got it wrong because she’s stupid.

      • Albie Quirky says:

        Do you fucking want to go there? Because some of us studied ancient Greek in college, my friend.

      • Norse Horse, Task Ass says:

        I YAM A SISYPHEAN BOLDER BERCAUZE I BOLD THINGS POINTLESSLY

    • stalker is the new fat says:

      She’s thinking of her over-the-shoulder boulder holders.

    • RollsRoyceRevenge says:

      I’m pretty sure she meant syphilis, myself.

  3. idiotbox says:

    Um…is this the unedited version? Because it’s impossible that her editor didn’t catch the “Madga” gaffe….x

    • Albie Quirky says:

      Nope, it says “Madga” on Elle.com. It also says “Jullia Allison” in the header.

      • juliaspublicist's rococo pile of polyester juliaspublicist says:

        Silly, idiotbox. She’s Mexican! No need to double-check her name. She’s lucky she got on TV and wasn’t a housekeeper or drug mule or anything like that.

      • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

        Albie, where is the header w/ her name misspelled? We need a screengrab of that, I’m thinking …

        Does anyone think this elle fiasco of D0nkey’s would be getting a preferential gloss-over (ie, massive editing) if Keith Pollock was still w/ elle.com? I want to hear more about that whole set-up …

        • Albie Quirky says:

          The actual link header, not on the page. My technoskills do not extend to screencapping that.

      • CDB says:

        Her witch told her to add another “Elle” in her name just like Baraabaraa Streisand. Didn’t you know that?

    • KrakenSkulls says:

      Someone needs to beat her over the head with the Grammar Hammer.

    • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

      Considering that they keep trying to keep her crap buried by breaking her links, it’s doubtful that they’re devoting any editing resources whatsoever to this shitshow … maybe Madga can help them out w/ a D0nkey golemectomy?

    • Blinking.SOS.at.the.Camera says:

      What kind of hyphenation abomination is this?
      I quickly segued into a rabid-feminist-Ayn-Rand objectivist and adamant adolescent atheist.

      • Pink Palatian says:

        It’s laughable, not only for the hyphens but also for her conflation of so many different things.

        I spent many years within the Objectivist world before being excommunicated, so to speak, for (among other things) daring to express feminist views on certain things (Jimmy Wales, of all people, was one of the people who ushered me out of the kingdom). To say you were a rabid feminist Ayn Rand objectivist means you have no clue what ANY of those terms mean.

        Not to mention that if she’d internalized even 1% of Objectivism, her work ethic would be 180 degrees from what it is right now. The sort of life she leads? It’s the kind of thing that would end up on the “villain” end of the spectrum if Rand were alive today. Disgusting.

        • pearipathetic donkey says:

          I never understood how her lazy ass was a Rand fan.

          • Norse Horse, Task Ass says:

            Boys, silly! I have no doubt that she had many crushes in high school and college on exactly the sort of fratboy douchebag assholes who love Rand at that age. She’s talking about me! I am a Superman! . A lot of them grow out of it, a lot of them don’t and wreck the economy etc. No doubt that Julia’s interest in Rand was sparked by a boy or two, the kind of jerks she’s attracted to.

            (And as SiverBullet indicates, Rand had absolutely no use for other women, or for feminism. Pink Palatian also points this out, Rand would’ve hated Julia. I hate both of them!)

          • Dr. Gary says:

            She wasn’t/isn’t. Julie appropriated her ‘love’ of Ayn Rand from [redacted].

          • Prof. F Camping Prof. F Camping says:

            ’tis correct, Doc G.

          • Norse Horse, Sisyphean Bolder says:

            Hm, interesting, Dr. G. I suppose we shouldn’t say much more, except that Ayn Rand really was a corrosive, hateful asshole whose terrible writing teenaged boys really ought to be kept away from.

          • Norse Horse, Sisyphean Bolder says:

            Then again, it’s hard to keep teenaged boys away from anything. I managed to find all sorts of printed porn, then in the stone age.

            Ayn Rand was a horror of a hideously immoral human being, though. Not a surprise to hear Julia was once into her. allegedly. She’ s just that kind of grasping bore, thought I’d bet she gave up after 720 pages of blithering nonsense.
            Or ten pages, max.

        • SilverBulletViBRAYtor says:

          Direct quote from Rand: “I am an anti-feminist. I regard man as a superior value. I am always in favor of tomboys and of intellectual equality, but women don’t interest me.”

    • Shoe Bombardier says:

      Pick a tense! Any tense!

  4. KrakenSkulls says:

    My litmus test is simple: do I feel better coming out of the experience and in the days that follow? If so, as far as I’m concerned, it works.

    wat

  5. alessa says:

    does she even edit her own horrifying work? or did she mean that the “Sisyphean” rock she carries around is…more bold… and courageous than the average BOULDER. ugh.

    • Albie Quirky says:

      I feel bad for the poor editor who had to whip whatever crap she received at 6 a.m. New York time (per JA’s tweet) into something resembling English prose, so that it could be posted only two days late.

      • Malformed Face (Like a Bloated Deli Ham Left in a Hot Mercedes C Class) says:

        You can tell Elle does not care – they don’t want to engage with her to get this on time and they don’t want to rewrite it to make it better. Her first column for them was decent – the bloom is off the rose.

      • KrakenSkulls says:

        Unedited work, burying the links.. I think her editors are doing this on purpose.

  6. Malformed Face (Like a Bloated Deli Ham Left in a Hot Mercedes C Class) says:

    There is so much dreadful here but the worst part is – even if I was engaged with this piece of shit – she leaves out the most engaging details i.e. what are the patterns she’s trying to break. Without knowing them, hard to give a shit. Then she tacks on an “it’s working!” How, Donkey? How is it working? I mean, we know it’s not and you’re lying but you could have made some shit up to make it sound more believable and not make your audience collectively vom.

    • JuLIAR Allison (will never the learn button) says:

      Oh no, you don’t need to know the details – they’re personal, she’s trying to protect her family (SHE WAS INSIDE!) and Jack McCain – you just have to know that Julia is the emotional healthy donkey she is today and you should follow her advice and love & fawn all over her on twitter.

      And pay $9.99 to watch her grifter dating advice video.

  7. JuLIAR Allison (will never the learn button) says:

    I know I’m going to regret saying this, but she makes dating sound like it’s the most difficult concept to grasp. “I’m still making mistakes, but at least now they’re new mistakes.”

    Seriously? How many mistakes are there to make? I know finding someone is hard – I get that – but dating? Doesn’t that essentially come down to be the kind of person you want to attract, ie be a genuine, nice, attentive person who sees value in others and avoids game-playing & manipulation.

    Ohhhhh, I see why she’s finding it hard.

    • Tremendous Liar; Donkey Repugnant says:

      ‘“I would like to make new mistakes,” I say simply.’

      Even Donkey knows she’s incapable of finding the learn button.

      • JuLIAR Allison (will never the learn button) says:

        Wait, I can’t tell who called me then – you or Julia.

    • alessa says:

      Exactly… I wonder the same damn thing watching her ramble on about her mistakes, how many are there to make? And I don’t think “finding someone” for her is hard– she’s been living to be a social fixture and going to all of these events for years and supposedly has well-connected friends–I’m assuming she’s able to meet a lot of successful, interesting, attractive men. Heck, she’s dated “in the hundreds” of them, by her own admission. I mean how freaking hard is it to date?

      Let’s see…don’t put out too soon or too easily, don’t have crazy expectations, and keep the cray to a low simmer until you’ve sealed the deal. What else is there? Am I missing something? Oh yes… don’t run in circles like a loon, talk about the last time you’ve had sex, compare your date to your dad, beg for a kiss, punch for a kiss, put your head in someone’s lap for a kiss, lick someone’s face for a kiss, and let’s see… hmmm… DON’T BE YOU FOR A WHILE. A LONG WHILE. UNTIL HE’S FORCED TO PUT UP WITH IT. Think–Bethenny and Jason. Why is this so hard?

    • Norse Horse, Task Ass says:

      Her life’s almost a philisophical question at this point. Can you spend years and years being a grasping, meanspirited, dishonest and deceitful sort of vicious social climber, sending men fleeing again and again, all while putting on this candy-ass girly pink tutu and cupcake persona that sends everyone else fleeing, and still call all that “mistakes”? Is repeated sociopathic behavior a series of “mistakes”, or is it character, that will never change?

      No, she never hits that “learn” button. Maybe a truer thing to say is that some people are just meant to be awful; maybe we should feel sorry for them, that they can’t learn and grow and change. Ha, not really. She’s scarcely tried to change, she really hasn’t (You haven’t Julia, hi!). Nothing to be done, really, except watch the shitshow.

      • Prof. F Camping Prof. F Camping says:

        it’s like a Skinnerian behavioral experiment. Except she, and the world, would have been better off had she been left to grow up in a box.

  8. Tremendous Liar; Donkey Repugnant says:

    Haha Sisyphean boulder. That’s the funniest thing since celebrity newsweeklies.

  9. “What matters is that I made a concerted effort to draw a line in the sand: no more old patterns!”

    That’s four cliches in one sentence. The only thing that isn’t is “that I.”

    I jus kant.

    • alessa says:

      thanks for pointing that out… my outrage at this garbage that is being passed off as “journalism” just elevated to foaming at the mouth…

      apparently now also speaking strictly in cliches…

    • Wife Branding says:

      I’m surprised an editor didn’t flag this:

      What matters is that I made a concerted effort to draw a line in the sand: no more old patterns!

      A concerted effort is the effort of a group. People commonly misunderstand it to mean “concentrated” or something. Huge pet peeve of mine!

  10. crazytrain says:

    She made the exact same “Sisyphean bolder” error in her crappy Bravo word vomit column. I’m surprised an Elle editor didn’t catch it. Or maybe her editors just got tired of all the work that goes into making her look like a vaguely passable writer.

    • JuLIAR Allison (will never the learn button) says:

      Oh, they’re not editing her anymore. They don’t even care that most of this is copy & pasted straight from her Bravo blog. Consider this bridge burned.

      • crazytrain says:

        As bad as this drivel is, if you compare it to the steaming stream-of-consciousness shit pile she dumps on her Bravo blog, its clear that its been heavily edited. She really doesn’t know how to write even on the most basic level.

        • JuLIAR Allison (will never the learn button) says:

          It hasn’t been heavily edited – a brief go-over, maybe – it has too many basic errors and spelling mistakes. A professional sub hasn’t looked at this, but someone may have tidied it up a little.

    • KrakenSkulls says:

      I was going to mention this but I thought no.. no I must have been imagining that. She didn’t make the same spelling mistake that wasn’t caught in two places.. naw.. and she would have corrected it after reading about it here, right? Don’t give me that she doesn’t read here crap. That must mean she submitted them a long time in advance, right?

  11. alessa says:

    It’s like a car crash– you can’t look away. If I were being paid to write A SHORT BLOG ENTRY once a week as my part of my “very serious” writing career… well…I’m sure like most of you I would be furiously drafting, rewriting, possibly asking for trusted others’ opinions, editing, etc– it takes a certain lack of shame to be able to turn in such vile and half-assed excuses for actual legitimate “journalism” and trying to pass it off as a career. It’s offensive to subscribers of the magazine and readers of the website. It’s offensive to writers who have worked for years at that craft and have not been given such an opportunity to show off their work. Not that Elle.com is such a credible example of esteemed journalism, but my God– I put more effort into my 6th grade book reports.

    I know she’s probably reading this so–for shame woman, have some passion and appreciation for something, ANYTHING, that’s been so generously, and undeservedly given to you. If you cry and moan about craving respect so much, why don’t you take the PITIFUL excuse for a job/duty/task/minor chore somewhat seriously and EARN IT? Nora Ephron, whom you CLAIM to admire, started out writing puff pieces as well, albeit in the Post and New Yorker. She actually used those opportunities to propel herself upwards, build connections, hone her craft, and establish herself as an incredible writer and humorist. Stop searching for legitimacy with ridiculous twittering, social-climbing, and braying about the fantasy you’ve created in your own head of who you’d wish for people to think you are, and actually TAKE YOUR OPPORTUNITIES SERIOUSLY. STARTING WITH–WRITE A DAMN BLOG PEOPLE CAN GET THROUGH WITHOUT BREAKING DOWN IN A TREMBLING RAGE.

    ahem. sorry. having a tough night.

    • Donkey Punch says:

      This. She is just so fucking lazy and lacking talent. She wants to be thought of as a journalist, but she has never done anything to merit that label. (Don’t even get me started on her whole “I consider myself an artist” BS.)

    • Tremendous Liar; Donkey Repugnant says:

      A-grade rant.

    • Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

      Awesome.

    • Jack Der Golem says:

      Marvelous! And what amazes me is how much better this slop is than the Bravo slop, and that’s because someone did edit this mess, not that there’s much even Nan Talese could do with Julie’s prose.

    • Dr. Gary says:

      *standing ovation*

    • CaptainGary says:

      Dare I say…bravo?

      • alessa says:

        why thank you, cat friends! this has brought a flicker of joy into the depths of my sad, lonely basement.

        • melting marionette says:

          alessa – I’m late to this party, but echo all the above. Appreciate, and can feel the passion you put into the above post.

          One reason why I keep coming back here is to read the comments from all the talented, hardworking people here. You put as much passion into your comments as you do your lives and your everyday jobs. You juggle responsibilities, families, make compromises, make choices. You CONNECT – even when you’re squabbling over Greek Mythology and Grammar.

          Just my 2c worth. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming.

        • Norse Horse, Sisyphean Bolder says:

          Alessa, that was tremendously well-said. There are so many good writers out there that would love a chance to write in the dozens of places and jobs and opportunities she’s so badly botched. Errors and clichès like in this latest one- well it drives me crazy too, but I think Elle is giving her enough rope, so to speak. So I try to see the funny side of that. But it’s true, she is just no writer at all.

  12. Donkey Punch says:

    Guys, remember when she said her going rate is $4/word? I’m still laughing, and I think it was three years ago.

    • alessa says:

      really? $4.00 a word? at that rate I have something brilliant I’d like to tell her– and it’d only cost $8

      • Sacred Scrapbooks, Golem Boomerang says:

        Donkey dixit:

        “Um … you’re going to have a heart attack :)

        “I’m at $4 / word, which works out to be about $ 2,500 – $3k for an article / column.”

        http://gawker.com/5356602/julia-allison-paid-astounding-amount-of-money-to-write

        • I know for a fact that she wasn’t getting that at TONY, so who was paying her that? Her johns, per word she *didn’t* bray?

          • Sacred Scrapbooks, Golem Boomerang says:

            In late 2009, she had a single paragraph on Obama Girl in some kind of Newsweek round-up, and since Barbie says fame-whoring is easy and math is hard, who knows what she actually got for that.

          • Pink Palatian says:

            Even Newsweek caps out at around $3/word unless you’re a big name. I think the Gawker commenter was spot-on who said that this was an asking price; people sometimes set asking prices so high in order to never have to do work, since no one will take them up on it!

          • Albie Quirky says:

            She was just lying. Plain and simple lying.

          • A-Game Content says:

            Maybe she got $25 for her six-word memoir?

        • Helena (Pterodactyl Trallala) says:

          Plain and simple lying, also known as MANUFACTURE BULLSHIP. (Kisses to the goats!)

          Oh, Donkster, let me introduce you to my ex-fucking-HUSBAND, a real, functionally literate, non-pink journalist who writes about other things than himself and his tee hee dating mistakes, boring stuff like the Middle East. Been in the business for over 30+ (c whut i did thar?) years, worked (meaning, spent years actually having an errand-running desk there) for the WSJ, the Washington Times, the UPI. Is an OMG founder of more than one company. Teaches at universities. Nominated for the fucking Pulitzer Prize. Last I heard, and that was a couple of years ago, his rate was something around $2 for texts he retains copyright to and $1.50 for when he gives up the copyright. It’s true that he doesn’t really need the money, and I don’t think he tends to stay up till 5 AM and make his articles longer by adding “um er oops” in random places, so what the hell do I know.

          • Helena (Pterodactyl Trallala) says:

            Also, quit bullying the golem, Donkula.

            Signed, 8th generation Praguer.

          • Helena (Pterodactyl Trallala) says:

            “something around $2 for texts he retains copyright to and $1.50 for when he gives up the copyright”

            Huh, I meant the other way, obviously. Whatevs! To anyone who cares, it’s worrisome that you do!

      • Donkeycam now! (MSc) says:

        Excuse me, cat ladies, but since when do we take what Donkey brays as accurate?

        Did I say “accurate”? I meant “even remotely similar to the truth”.

        If she brayed “$3/word” it was probably more like “$0.05 and the morning’s donuts”.

    • Tremendous Liar; Donkey Repugnant says:

      You know, she may have actually acheived this at some point. Say, if a newsweekly paid her up front for a number of articles and only one were ever submitted.

      • juliaspublicist's rococo pile of polyester juliaspublicist says:

        At the time of that Gawker article, she hadn’t had anything published in ages.

      • Malformed Face (Like a Bloated Deli Ham Left in a Hot Mercedes C Class) says:

        APPLAUSE and most likely, very accurate.

        PS, has Gawker said word one about this Donkey’s new show, or like America, could they not give two shits?

        • Donkeycam now! (MSc) says:

          Whatever promotional deal Donkey had with Gawker, it’s over.

          They are not going to write about her show unless she ponies up or makes something incredibly gross / stupid / ridonkulous that is worth blogging about.

        • Norse Horse, Sisyphean Bolder says:

          Gawker isn’t even Gawker anymore, they could not care less about Julia Allison.

          (And I couldn’t care less about Gawker anymore. My God, that site is tragically dumbed-down and inconsequential. It was smart and fun, once. )

      • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

        Ima say D0nkey’s delusional rate is based on a whiny emails to Dad$er resulting in cheques drawn on his personal acct.

  13. Tremendous Liar; Donkey Repugnant says:

    I’m in love with the Sisyphean bolder. My favorite Donkey mode is when she’s trying to be smarter and more literate than she is.

  14. Tremendous Liar; Donkey Repugnant says:

    Also, Donkey doesn’t seem to understand water or waves. If you throw something into the surf, the waves are gonna push it back to you. Real complicated stuff.

    • JuLIAR Allison (will never the learn button) says:

      That was just embarrassing to watch. And she did it THREE TIMES! Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

      Then she just decided to bury it – essentially, leaving litter on the beach.

      Also? “…she then instructs I throw away as quickly as possible.” … “That next week, I toss my golem…”
      Lazy donkey is lazy.

    • alessa says:

      I’m thinking she kept incessantly doing it as some sort of poignant reminder, of how the things that “happened to her” keep returning, to hold her back from finding new love. Like how her ex, Jack, just HAPPENED to call her (she did not obsessively cry-stalk him after she thought she finally found a believable reason to HAVE to have contact with him) and leave her bereft and in tears before meeting with her publicist. Oh, the symbolism of the waves bringing back the box of pathos! Oh, the darkness of the internet past that continues to follow her! When, oh when, will she be able to cast off her past, like a sopping wet muddy maxi dress, and run off, newly reborn and nakedly vulnerable, into the welcoming arms of a man who will kiss her ravenously?

      LEAVE HER ALONE PAST!!! YOU LEAVE HER ALONE!!!

    • darling dearest says:

      [img]www.gifrific.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/04/gob-letter-throw.gif[/img]

        • Blinking.SOS.at.the.Camera says:

          Here ya go, dd. Just click the add images link below the comment box (after you hit reply, obvs) and paste in the url where indicated. Easy peasy.

          [img]http://www.gifrific.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/04/gob-letter-throw.gif[/img]

          • Cowboys & Brayliens says:

            Here’s the really funny thing– THAT VERY SHOT is on the beach in PLAYA DEL REY, the town just across the channel from the Marina. Check out Google maps, just to the southwest of Del Rey Lagoon Park. You’ll see the little jetty that sticks out, and those two towers above the jetty are power plants way down in Manhattan Beach. GOB is standing less than a mile from where Donk buried her little treasure box in the sand.

          • Julia's Authentic Pelts says:

            LIKE BUTTON

  15. CaptainGary says:

    SS, SF (and so winced – I love that!) if this has been discussed in this manner, but I don’t get this…what, pray tell, is the point of having TWO versions of basically the same piece? Plus, it’s just recapping what’s been seen on the crap factory of a TV show already…so what in good Greg’s name is point?

    How does this in any way establish her as someone who dispenses advice but doesn’t take it. SHE’S TALKING ABOUT WHAT SHE’S ALREADY DONE. Where’s the advice component?

    Also, why did the teevee show her this week working on the “column” from LAST week, while she brayed today that she just finished this one? I don’t get the timeline…

    I FEEL LIKE I’M TAKING CRAZY PILLS!!

    • JuLIAR Allison (will never the learn button) says:

      We’re all hurtling down the donkey hole with you. None of this makes any kind of sense, except when you decide to look at everything like it’s nonsense. Then it aaaaaalllll makes sense.

    • Dr. Gary says:

      ‘I FEEL LIKE I’M TAKING CRAZY PILLS!!’

      You rang?

      • CDB says:

        Since she can conflate Sisyphus and Atlas because she is confused, I am going to conflate the two Gary’s into Dr. Captain from now on. You have been merged. I hope you like each other

        • CaptainGary says:

          I can only speak for myself here, but I’m OK with that – both Angelenos, both highly-accomplished Garys, both ineffable…it’s is if we’re the same Gary with different high status markers!

    • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

      Whatever arrangement D0nkey originally had w/ elle.com had to have changed over the course of filming (& I’ll bet that something about it all has to do w/ the demise of Keith Pollock’s affiliation w/ elle.com) … now, it would seem, elle.com is having their feet held to the fire & is grudgingly hosting D0nkey’s craptastic ‘journalism’, but they obviously want nothing to do w/ her via name-association but they don’t / won’t / can’t alienate the Bravo relationship.

  16. Dr. Gary says:

    If my cat shredded a pile of magazines, and my dog ate that shredded pile and threw it back up, and a bird swooped down and pecked out the tiny bits of paper from that pile of vomit and dropped them back down on the ground, and an army of ants collected all those tiny bits of paper and organized them into a mound, and the wind blew those bits of paper together to form words and sentences?

    That would make more sense than the steaming pile of shit that Julie calls a ‘column’.

    • JuLIAR Allison (will never the learn button) says:

      And would probably meet deadline too.

    • moonshineDONKEY says:

      BRAVO

    • alessa says:

      does Elle.com have a comment section for her “column”? I’m guessing no, but I would “like, LITERALLY DIE” if this gem was posted right under it.

      • Albie Quirky says:

        Yes! Yes it does! Someone called her out on lying about her age in it, and they changed it in the article!

        • alessa says:

          Dr. Gary– your services are required. Pull a Julia and repost on Elle.com–it will give me SO MANY WARM AND FUZZIES.

        • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

          Notice how D0nkey hasn’t bothered to change the lie about her age on Google?

          Oh, honey … change it to 45 yoa & men may think you’re a warm cougar … leave it at 30 yoa & they’ll think you must be a biggo liar …

          Oh wait … that’s true on so many levels!

      • Dr. Gary says:

        Hey girl, how ’bout you get your fanny on over to Julie’s Elle column and check out the comments.

  17. Lulz says:

    I thought she was part Jewish once to impress someone? Don’t jewish kids know about golem stories?

    • Lulz says:

      I mean… that’s what’s up at Jewish summer camps right? That or the making out I keep hearing about.

      • They Call Me Jack says:

        Or she could have learned of Der Golem when studying Fritz Lang in college, but something tells me a masterpiece of German Expressionist silent cinema wouldn’t hold the attention of a creature whose favorite movie is Legally Blonde.

  18. frequent liar miles says:

    Why does she put the word PLACEBO in quotation marks? “Why?!”

    • Blinking.SOS.at.the.Camera says:

      That paragraph makes my head spin.
      After literally attempting to throw the symbolic representation of her metaphorical Sisyphean bolder [sic] into the ocean, she then literally buries her symbolic representation of a metaphor in the sand before metaphorically drawing a line in the sand.
      It is to vom.
      [img]http://i49.tinypic.com/2vnj4mv.png[/img]

  19. BrayDotCom says:

    If Prometheus was Unbound and Atlas Shrugged, I suppose Sisyphus could be Bolder.

    That’ll be $52.00 please.

    • Shoe Bombardier says:

      May I please “quote” you in my new Elle.com article, “Objectifying Objectivism: Is If the Golem in the Mirror is You?”

      • Donkeycam now! (MSc) says:

        Golem, Golem, on the wall , who is the dumbest of them all?

        You are, Donkey. You are.

  20. Handbag Cohen Stuffed With Hair says:

    I think what she’s referring to is her over-the-shoulder Sisyphean boulder holder.

  21. Wonky Donkey says:

    Your evaluation of Die Hard is on the money. If you want to be more technical, it’s: 1 (very small gap) 3 (larger gap) 2 (insurmountable, never should’ve been made gap) 4.

    • The Missing Davos Report says:

      JP and Wonky, gotta weigh in as well, grew up with the Die Hards…

      Ranking when I was young:

      1 (small gap) 2 (large gap) 3

      Current ranking:

      1 (large gap) 4 (small gap) 2 (large gap) 3.

      I loved 2 when it came out but over the years it hasn’t held up as well for me. To start, villains are weak and the fights on the airplane now feel just too silly for me. Many like you rank 3 as the best of the sequels but it disappointed me from first viewing. I like individual scenes and am generally entertained by it but overall it find it choppy. And the villains to me were the weakest of the series, assumed Jeremy Irons would be great but far from it.

      4 pleasantly surprised me. I expected I was going to draw the same conclusion as you, Wonky. If I was just evaluating it on the last third I would have. But there’s so much I liked about it before that point. The ambush at Justin Long’s character’s apartment hooked me – captured the claustrophobia of #1 in a way the other sequels never really did. Had a similar reaction to the tunnel scene and, to a lesser extent, the scene in the elevator shaft. I thought the villain was an improvement (though not up to Gruber standard, obvs). And up until the “McLane is indestructible” last third I really felt Bruce Willis did a great job (re)capturing the character, both his age and the characteristics we know and love – more satisfyingly than #3, where he seemed tired (even keeping in mind that he’s hung over going into the movie). Overall, I felt like 4 was just good enough to have been made.

      tl;dr – these movies show up on TV all the time and I’ve watched them a few too many times…

  22. JuliaViewerEmails says:

    The difference between having SEX ina a CAR CRASH and a Julia Allison date is..

    In one you get sex..in the other you get a really bad car crash

  23. stalker is the new fat says:

    first off, Miami Vice > Die Hard

    Secondly, I loooooooooooove that she is pissing off actual writers who then come here and entertain me, I’m looking at you alessa.

    • alessa says:

      does this mean I can put “dating journalist” in my resume? I’m pitching a show to the Oxygen network about my duties posting on this blog, mixing and matching my fresh new Kohl’s purchases (Uggs and Juicy–the haute couture of the 90s), tense conversations with my best frenemy of 4 months who may or may not be suffering from a wasting disease, or has tape worms–perchance because her face was crammed so deeply up my cavernous ass at one point? –and physically abusing my mildly obese cat, whose role ranges from the KJ to my Kim Zolciak, to a reluctant silent observer of the sexual harassment that ensues upon any male entry to my basement. I’ve been writing this pitch for ten years you guys.

  24. The_Manta says:

    I quickly segued into a rabid-feminist-Ayn-Rand objectivist

    feminist objectivist? LOLWUT?

    • I'm guessing it's biology says:

      I don’t get this either. Could someone doing their Postdonktorate fellowship translate?!

      • Scooby Don't says:

        Transbraytion: ‘I don’t know what any of these words mean but they sure make me sound smart don’t they?”
        I can see The Virtue of Selfishness striking a chord with Donkey for the title alone. But the Cliff’s note version of course.

  25. Sake Bombardier says:

    “Golem in the sand, round and round,
    Never-kissing love is what we’ve found…
    And you complete the donk in me
    Your cash is we need!”

  26. mule on rouge says:

    For the catpeeps who haven’t read Julia’s old Time Out New York crap. These excerpts are from a column she did on matchmaking, 2/5/09. (In the photo, Amy Laurent is the one the left.)

    Amy Laurent: ($10,000 per year for men, free for women; amylaurent.com)

    Just two minutes into our meeting, Amy tells me she has someone in mind for me: a 34-year-old Ben Affleck look-alike, Ivy League–educated banker. Blerg. I explain that I’ve stereotyped bankers as boring fucks, but Amy tells me to trust her intuition. I do and she sets me up.

    …Both ask me on second dates midway through the first, and third dates midway through the second. They are gentlemen, scholars and “relationship-minded” (been there, played that, ready for the next phase). I’m thrilled.

    …At the end of my dates, I ask Amy if the guys had any feedback. “There was the impression that you didn’t have time for dating,” she explains via e-mail. Interesting. I thought that my insane schedule made me more desirable.

    [img]http://i49.tinypic.com/k50d1v.jpg[/img]

    • I'm guessing it's biology says:

      What a difference.

    • Cut! Don't use that. says:

      You can see the NPD sickness in her eyes. God she’s ill.

    • RollsRoyceRevenge says:

      Dare I say both Amy and Julia look actually cute here and Amy has a nice body on top of it.

      Not feeling the Olive Oyl polka dots.

      • bitchface says:

        really? I think Julia looks like an asshole.

        • RollsRoyceRevenge says:

          Less an asshole than a Toon Town streetwalker, but I won’t fight you for it.

        • Norse Horse, Sisyphean Bolder says:

          She looks like a total jerk and tool. What she’s wearing on her meaty body there has never been fashionable in my lifetime.

          (And the whole face-making thing; promos for Miss Advised do this cheapo GIF thing of the three sitting on the couch. In one of them Julia does this “OH!!” face towards I guess, the woman sitting next to her. For no reason. I don’t know why that drives me crazy. )

          a 34-year-old Ben Affleck look-alike, Ivy League–educated banker. Blerg.

          Yeah, whatever. You’d love to date the douchebag now.

      • Blinking.SOS.at.the.Camera says:

        But surely you must admire the matching hoof tribbles?! (See? They’re round and the polka dots on the dress are round; that’s some sophisticated big city accessorizing right thar y’all.)

        • RollsRoyceRevenge says:

          Tribbles?

          Those are her pet tarantulas, Ungoliant and Charlotte, whose moltings are the source of her eyelashes.

      • Albie Quirky says:

        Julie looks much cuter than she does today. Horrible wardrobe choices, though, from the Minnie Mouse hooker dress to the ridonkulous shoes (Julie, if you’re reading here, people with comparatively short legs should avoid ankle straps, as they break the line and make legs look shorter, you’re welcome).

    • mule on rouge says:

      In other news, I don’t left from right. (The L and R wore off the backs of my hands, even though the marker was labeled “permanent”.)

      • I have to hold up my hand and pretend I’m holding a pencil to remember which one is left and which one is right…

        • Blinking.SOS.at.the.Camera says:

          I’m left-handed (and a redhead and an orphan, btw … but not, alas, from PEI) and totally dyslexic. Even when I hold up my hands to make the letter “L” with my thumbs and pointer fingers to remind me, I’m then not sure which one is the correct “L”. Hopeless.

    • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

      WHAT? is Amy Laurent doing? Is she zooming in on the dirt under Mulia Mallison’s hooves? Is she measuring the girth of the sausage snappers? Is she using her imagination to picture the engagement ring that will never be?

      WHAT? is chica w/ the tape measure doing, hypothesizing how tall D0nkey would be, were it not for the bowed back legs straddling separate zip codes?

      NO QUESTION about the other lady — she’s taking in the view of the plastic pelts & wondering where is the closest shower in which to vom.

      • melting marionette says:

        Blacksmiths – al of them.

      • alessa says:

        after miraculously not fast-forwarding through amy’s segments to get to the object of my hatred faster (like a freebasing drug addict doing away with all the bush-beating and going straight to the vein) while watching the last episode, I realized that amy has managed to secure herself a nosejob that is even worse and more obvious than donkey’s. perhaps that’s why her nasally valley-girl whine is so intolerable?

    • MY Beach Home says:

      Not a NYer and please forgive if this has been covered but what the fuck is this? Did this image accompany her “article?” Is/was that a TONY thing? I don’t believe I’ve ever seen a “journalist” stage a pretend princess play photo to accompany an article before. What am I missing?

      • Prof. F Camping Prof. F Camping says:

        honey, donkey staged photoshoots EVERY.WEEK. when she was at TONY! see the Glossary entry “Weekly vanity photoshoot”

        • MY Beach Home says:

          Thank you? Holy hell how her nose has changed!

          So many questions. Let’s start with how did she convince her editors to go along with this?

          I guess I am really just starting to understand that the story of Julia Allison is quite literally the story of Julia Allison. All she has ever written about is herself. Whofuck cares? And why did they ever care?

          • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

            [T]he story of Julia Allison is quite literally the story of Julia Allison. All she has ever written about is herself. Whofuck cares?

            WHEREIN THE QUESTION LIES THE ANSWER

            There you have it, THE thing that the white nits quite literally do not immediately (or sometimes ever) grasp — when Julia Allison airs her shit show like she airs her clam dungeon, what she puts out there for public consumption is going to be met with distaste by refined palates.

          • Albie Quirky says:

            I think TONY thought she was representative of a certain demo of young, constantly striving women new to NY. The Candace Bushnell of her generation, if you will.

      • Pink Palatian says:

        Time Out in general has ironic/snarky photo shoots that go along with feature articles. I think Julia was an “experiment” of doing it with columnists.

        • Albie Quirky says:

          What I heard was that it was her idea entirely, and she spent way more effort arranging the photoshoots than actually writing the columns.

          • Norse Horse, Sisyphean Bolder says:

            I can easily, easily believe that. Where else did she pick of the skills to grift for free styling and makeup etc? I’d bet she put the rest on Daddy’s credit card for these sorts of fauxto-shoots, with grudging and minimal reimbursement from TimeOut, if any.

            Honestly, who does she think she is, in these pictures? An in-demand supermodel, or something? Wearing her own dreary unfashionable tat. She’s such a hick, playacting, and I’d bet she paid for it on Daddy’s credit card.

    • iblow4shoes says:

      She has the weirdest looking legs.

      • Cut! Don't use that. says:

        Seriously. They’re maybe the strangest looking part of her weird little dumpy body, and yet she INSISTS on showing them off like she’s got the greatest fucking stems in the history of all the girls.

        It’s like everything else in her life. I wouldn’t notice OR care about her damn legs if she didn’t insist on showing them off whenever she possibly can.

    • Scooby Don't says:

      I wonder if this was during the time Amy was dating AB, the guy who moved to Saudi Arabia without telling her.
      Because her intuition was so accurate in that situation.

    • BeepBeepBoopBeepBeep. I Am A Robot. says:

      There is flippant to bad attitude in this dating column blurb. I think if I was really a dating expert (and I’m talking to you, Amy) I would have picked up on that and told her to change her attitude. I believe one dating expert did…that woman who sent her on the single cruise. Julia hid out in the bathroom and condemned the entire experience and the match-maker.

      Yeah, Julia is so much better off begging men for kisses they DON’T want to give her.

      • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

        Janis Spindel, I think … & hooboy, wouldn’t it be to laugh, hearing what she thinks of Mess Reprised.

  27. RollsRoyceRevenge says:

    “Feel free to be bitchy about her witchy column.”

    You rang?

  28. Sisyphean bolder says:

    I don’t comment here enough to make squatting on it worthwhile (though I enjoy you cat ladies every day). But someone has to take this username!

    • melting marionette says:

      Dr. Gary is out on Grand Rounds right now, but will come by with your meds shortly…

    • Norse Horse, Sisyphean Bolder says:

      Yikes, I just appended it before I read this. Oh well. Some new Donktrocity will occur I am sure.

  29. Knocked up toddlers and tiaras says:

    OT: but i think I remember Gillian Flynn books being discussed here before. I am dying to read Dark Places, the blurbs and amazon reviews have me sucked in. But they also mention animal cruelty, which I am VERY sensitive to. A year ago I put a book down because a dog was shot, and have been meaning to finish the book, but just haven’t been able to pick it back up. Every time I go to read it, I think about the dog, feel a bit sick, and go hug my beagle. So, should I bypass this book? Also, what kinds of animals is the cruelty done to? I mean, I will still be effected if cows are harmed, but I may be emotionally scarred if anyone even looks at a dog the wrong way.

    • mcakez says:

      Old Tim Johnson was rabid, so it’s totally okay. You have to finish the book, it’s a classic!

    • Dr. Gary says:

      Thanks for that. Re-watching it helped me finally figure out who Julie reminds of: Octomom. Her voice, mannerisms, face – all very similar to Octomom. And they both have that strong masculine energy.

    • You seem disproportionately angry! says:

      thank you!

  30. ShesJustStupid says:

    Anyone in Chicago catch her on WGN this morning? Apparently she talked about what to wear on a first date.

    • Albie Quirky says:

      Oh, that was why she was crowdsourcing via Twitter.

      • You Have a Situation on Your Face Girl (and fug on your feet) says:

        From her Twatter. She sucks.
        Headed to WGN in Chicago for a morning appearance on … What to wear on a first date! I’m totally cribbing all of your tips from yesterday.

        • Prof. F Camping Prof. F Camping says:

          wtf is wrong with the media landscape and bookers that they continue to indulge this barnyard freak?! is the bar really that low? i mean, the bloody higgs boson was discovered, and we have julia motherfucking allison opining on first date fashion? where is my cyanide?!
          *yes, i will be watching miss advised again on monday, so i’m part of the problem.

          • Albie Quirky says:

            Chicago loves their hometown folks. “Chicago Woman on Embarrassing Shitshow TV Show!”

            This is not as bad as the many articles in Michigan papers about the Saturday Night Live “J-Pop Anime Fun Time Now!” sketch, which is set at Michigan State for whatever reason.

          • Albie Quirky says:

            Not pointing fingers at Chicago, being a Bostonian myself. The Globe is hilarious about this shit: “Former Cantabridgian MATT DAMON was among the 1,200 actors to sign a petition about the war in Darfur, along with Pittsfield’s own ELIZABETH BANKS

          • Albie Quirky says:

            Apparently my post terminated itself because of my hometown shame. But y’all saw where I was going with that, I’m sure.

  31. Effing Ineffably Un-Effable says:

    Addressed to no one in particular, but I finally caught this week’s episode last night. Dear god. It is so boring. I can’t watch another episode. I get it: Julia can’t read social cues, is a raging narcissist and thinks she’s still in college.

    It’s so fucking boring. Even my growing dislike for bitchy Amy can’t sustain this one. Not for an hour a week. Dear god.

    I feel a lot better now.

    • Malformed Face (Like a Bloated Deli Ham Left in a Hot Mercedes C Class) says:

      It’s sooooooooo boring. I like Emily but I cannot watch this creeper kiss her, I am fast forwarding through that. Julia comes off as a hyper child on this date. Not sure how she can deem him as boring as he can’t get in a word edgewise. He also seems really turned off by her and his defense is to shut down.

      Am I the only one creeped out by her weird disregard for personal space. When she bops Toilet Julia on the face like a little child and has her hand on William’s knee the whole ride to Temecula – (obviously disregarding Annie Lalalalala said) – it weirds me out.

      • Effing Ineffably Un-Effable says:

        Yeah, Gary Busey’s brother was creeping me out hardcore through the entire Emily storyline. Julia.. I just can’t. And not in the normal way either… it’s one thing when she was just shockingly inconsiderate, but when it seems that’s driven by a major inability to read social cues and generally comes from a place of being not too bright…

        I dunno. I don’t know that I care about her entire shitshow anymore. It’s so goddamn boring. Can’t make anything happen, just blunders through every opportunity…. It’s hard to even care since she’s just an ambulatory cautionary tale.

  32. Dr. Gary says:

    Her appearance on WGN today:

    http://tinyurl.com/bm9by38

    Julie, for the love of God, please get some sleep.

    • Dr. Gary says:

      What happened to her perfectly symmetrical breasts?

      [img]http://i49.tinypic.com/11i02mh.png[/img]

      • Prof. F Camping Prof. F Camping says:

        that hideous dress again. julia, burn your wardrobe and start over! and get a face transplant while you’re at it.

        • stalker is the new fat says:

          she’s been transplanting, one piece at a time, sheesh! you can’t rush perfection, professor!

      • Scooby Don't says:

        The Breasts Are A Lie.

      • Malformed Face (Like a Bloated Deli Ham Left in a Hot Mercedes C Class) says:

        Her face is sooooooo frightening. I am serious uncomfortable looking at it – where are her eyes? Why so bloaty???

        Someone has to grab a screen at the 22-26 second close up mark. I feel like this is the worst it’s been.

      • Dr. Gary says:

        It looks like her eyes were pecked out by rabid crows.

    • Scooby Don't says:

      “8000 first dates”
      And you’re still single?
      It’s you honey…it’s so you!

      And for Gregory G. Gregory’s sake, put the gregdamned phone away.
      You paw it so much I can only shudder at the thought of all the sweat grime from your sausage snappers ground into that pink cover.

      • Prof. F Camping Prof. F Camping says:

        to quote julia, “drop(s) the motherfucking phone!”
        at least she shilled for her mom’s deballage thing, which was helpful (?)

      • Greg says:

        THE PHONE DISPLEASED ME.

        God, what excruciating body language too.

      • idiotbox says:

        how is 8000 first dates a good thing? Is it safe to assume that at least 4000 men DO NOT WANT! ?

    • iblow4shoes says:

      She’s terrible on TV.

      Ladies, here’s advise from a guy on something to wear on a first date: something that’s easy for me to take off.

      • KS says:

        THIS. or a black bra at least. That means you want someone to see it.

      • Norse Horse, Sisyphean Bolder says:

        Or, just dress in a way that reflects your actual self, not some hookerish get-up to deceive the guy you’re “dating”.

    • bitchface says:

      COME ON is she just pulling us all along on a magical FU journey?

      I LOVE CHICAGO!
      WHY AM IN LA?
      host: to follow your dream
      AND TO FIND A HUSBAND!!!!!

      and the lithp!

      • LEFOOLIEH says:

        Setting the stage for the inevitable 8,000 words on how she’s discovered home (condo) is where the heart is, how she’s learned the Windy City was where she was meant to be all along, how LA was a mistake and not the right place to find love and/or a husband, how a new jerb (lol) and need for stability makes it impossible to live anywhere else, and how she’s decided, based on all these factors, to move back home? Perhaps.

        • Blinking.SOS.at.the.Camera says:

          I fear for Chaz F. for real. (He’s moved there, right?)

          • LEFOOLIEH says:

            LEFOOLIEH

          • LEFOOLIEH says:

            blech thing a garbage comment just posted….. meant to say I vaguely recall someone having said as much when she took that recent photo with him, but not sure?

        • pearipathetic donkey says:

          Yup. She will ignore the fact that this was basically her song and dance when she moved to the condo and started her Social Studies column.

    • Albie Quirky says:

      So. Horrible.

      And I see that I called it that the angle was “HOMETOWN GIRL ON NATIONAL TV SHOW” rather than “CRAZED RESTYLANE GARGOYLE BRAYS ANNOYINGLY.”

    • Blinking.SOS.at.the.Camera says:

      Lovely woman but hideous dress. Yet both JABa and the WGN host said it was gorgeous and soooo flattering. Wut? It bulges out sideways at both the waist and in chest/underarm area. Not to mention the wrinked mess over the knees. Crazy pills.

      [img]http://i.picasion.com/pic55/cb1c983d047521b6bf2fa8fbb101e41c.gif[/img]

      O/T but WGN person also says JABa left Chicago behind for LA, JABa then gushes on cue about missing Chicago soooo much. That reminded me of her Marina Del Rey airbnb profile: “Julia A is originally from Chicago, and Julia P is originally from upstate New York, but we met skiing in Tahoe, and moved out here together from Manhattan.”. So many lies, how does she keep track?
      http://www.airbnb.com/users/show/1474931

      • Malformed Face (Like a Bloated Deli Ham Left in a Hot Mercedes C Class) says:

        Looks like these two grifters have it booked from July 15 til August – though it says Unavailable so one of them might have a guest in town, not likely, our Donkey.

        Contrast their rooms – Toilets is modern and clean, Donkey’s is a teen shabby shit messy.

      • Dr. Gary says:

        this cat with the googly eyes has just become one of my favorite things.

        • SilverBulletViBRAYtor says:

          Mine too. Looks exactly like my late lamented Psycho Burmese, who would not have suffered a Donkey gladly.

      • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

        Even if that dress fit her (it does not), it’s honestly hideous, & then to top it off w/ that atrocious necklace? ::ewww::

    • ShesJustStupid says:

      She looks like shit when she has to do her own hair. No helping the face. AND LOSE THE PEARLS. PLEASE. I’M BEGGING. Shoes are also bad with that dress, but what’s new there?

      Why does she keep saying that a first date in Chicago might involve a baseball game or walking along the lake? I lived in Chicago for 7 years and never had a first date that involved these things. She’s so condescending about her “hometown.” She is also more confident in these appearances I think, because it’s the Midwest and she doesn’t give a shit. Did Chazz really move there?

    • Casa Del Sweden Is A City, Whatever, It's Miss Cast says:

      She’s the star of the show? I thought there were 3 numbnuts featured.

      She’s an expert on what to wear on first dates, when she intimated she never gets a 2nd?

      Model #1 – where’d her waist go?

      Model#2 – an X on your dress? Subliminal says, Stay away!

      Model#3 – excessive gilded ornamentation on shirt sends date into epileptic seizure. Um, er, oops?

      Nice job, Julia

    • The Final Rose says:

      I love that when the host is trying to help remind Julia why she went to LA (to chase your dreams, to pursue a career) Julia cuts her off and brays “To find a husband!!!” It’s so sad.

      And could she really not find a better way to crib notes for the fashion show than to pull up her iPhone? I know this isn’t Live With Kelly we’re dealing with here, but come on.

      And finally, her lisp seems way worse than on the show. Is that sound editing or does she get touch-ups from her orthodontist every time she’s in Chicago?

  33. mule on rouge says:

    HERE YA GO, MULE ON!

    (Hope this doesn’t post twice — something seemed to go haywire on my first try.)

    Donkey’s been reheating this same steaming pile of shit about first date outfits for years. Her columns are like turds that won’t flush.

    First Date Sartorialist: What to Wear on a First Date (TONY, 9/13/07)
    http://www.timeout.com/newyork/sex-dating/julia-allison-on-dating-14

    [img]http://i49.tinypic.com/2zgffqp.jpg[/img]

    Here are my favorite lines from the guys who reviewed her getups, in order of the paperdoll Julias, from left to right:

    1 – Casual: Van Veen – I’m all for jeans, but there may be Amber alerts out for small children lost in those giant pant legs.

    2 – Straight from Work (Nanette LaPore! But where are the red tights??) : Neffinger – Straight from what kind of work? The hem on the skirt is higher than all but the club dress.

    3 – Little Red Dress : Santagati – This dress is the Scarlet letter B for BORING. If I wanted to date a woman from the cover of Good Housekeeping, I would hang out in suburbia.

    4 – Preppy: Buka – This is the girl you take cow-tipping or to a rodeo.

    5 – Little Black Dress: LaLiberte – You look like you are trying too hard and your makeup is too heavy.

    6 – Sexy: Van Veen – Wow, leave a little something to the imagination. For example, your cervix.

    7 – High Fashion (I couldn’t pick just one comment on this one…):

    Van Veen – Where does she think I’m taking her, Mars 2112?

    Mulaney – This is the worst thing I have ever seen and would only be worn by fools.

    Titus – I am sure it works on the runway, but for some reason I am getting Star Trek flashbacks. No first date wear or second date wear either for that matter! But, love the Chanel bag!

    Santagati – THE WORST PIECE OF SHIT I’VE EVER SEEN; astronaut meets aerobic instructor is never a good look. Plus the lipstick is like someone melted a red crayon and smeared it on your face.

    LaLiberte – Leggings scare straight guys I think. I think it’s a trend that is kind of out. The coat is cool but you look a little barberalla-ish. Too extreme for first date.

    Buka – This dress is melting my retinas! High fashion, my foot! Send this space girl back to the ship before that thing climbs up her face.

    Neffinger – Is this coat sealskin, or the stuff astronauts wear for spacewalks? Demerits for being a crazy fashion victim, but since you are, you do get points for going all out. If you wear something with this much character, though, you gotta back it up with fun conversation and zany stories, otherwise it makes zero sense.

    • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

      Floaters are full of gas & fat.

    • chinchilla of indifference (aka mule on rouge) says:

      THANK YOU SO MUCH!! It’s not that my comments were so awesome, it’s just the fact that I spent way too much time on them ;)

    • KS says:

      Leggings scare straight guys I think. I think it’s a trend that is kind of out

      Truefax.

  34. mule on rouge says:

    Oh, gregdammit, my hella long post just crapped out twice. Is there anybody around who could scoop it out of the litter box for me?

    • alessa says:

      oh yes. and replace it with the good stuff. multiple cats in small spaces. anyone?

      • chinchilla of indifference (aka mule on rouge) says:

        OMG you guys! New Arm & Hammer Ultra Last is love! It smells so fresh and works so well that I can’t even tell when my beloved BooBoo has left me some buried treasure — I have to go digging.

        Plus, my kitty doesn’t get “pine paws” from it. (A condition where those awful scent crystals get trapped between the toes, and the cheap air freshener wafts into your face when kitty sits on your chest and gives her/himself a foot bath.)

        NOTE TO MODS: I just tried posting a new comment re: Julia’s alcohol-soaked past using this chinchilla handle (one of my many alter egos), and it didn’t work either. Must be time to take a break…

        • alessa says:

          pine paws is never a problem if you make a habit of bathing in the sink regularly.

          [IMG]http://i1241.photobucket.com/albums/gg503/alessa949/photo_2.jpg[/IMG]

        • I use this stuff that’s made out of green tea leaves. It smells fresh and it’s good for kitty (my little Sook-Sook) and the environment. I swear I’ll never go back to standard litter.

  35. Lazy and Crazy says:

    Oh lord, is she doing another morning cable access appearance to impress her disgusted family and seem busy? She pulled the same shtick last time she was in town.

    • Albie Quirky says:

      She has to rewrite history after the “the ideal first date dress says ‘BLOW JOB’” debacle, yes? Also she gets to bray about how much she loves Chicago. (Since she will be moving back to her parents’ downtown condo any second now…)

  36. They Call Me Jack says:

    Der Golem has resurfaced! Donkey will be clomping in from Marina Del Bray for the q & a. http://www.cinefamily.org/films/special-events-july-2012/#the-golem-1920

  37. chinchilla of indifference says:

    working hard for you behind the scenes! xoxo -Prof FC

    Well, well, well… what have we here? Julia Allison wrote about the dangers of getting drunk on dates waaaaaaaay back in 2008. Apparently, she is was quite the booze-donk, beginning with her stunt stint on Capitol Hill.

    http://www.timeout.com/newyork/sex-dating/boozing-charm

    Boozing Charm
    Why dating under the influence might be a bad idea.

    Drinking and dating is almost as stupid as drinking and driving…

    …But after a stint on Capitol Hill — where alcohol consumed a large portion of the off hours — I found that I may not have liked the taste, but I sure liked the feeling! I was a fan of the shot and the sweet but very, very hard mixed drink. I didn’t go out much, but when I did, boy, did I get drunk.

    After moving to New York, I did what any normal single would do — I ‘grabbed drinks’ (a term that should be redubbed ‘grab drunks’). It didn’t take more than three glasses of wine for me to stumble over forming sentences with both nouns and verbs.

    …I violated the cardinal rule on Halloween 2006 and combined hard liquor, beer, wine and champagne. After vomiting eight times the next day, I thought, I can’t believe I did this to myself. And then I saw the photos: Drunk doesn’t look cute.

  38. Handbag Cohen Stuffed With Hair says:

    In the photo (on her Twitter) of what her childhood bedroom looks like now, can anyone explain the . . . all of it to me?

    • Prof. F Camping Prof. F Camping says:

      even the photos of her bedroom NOW (from the airbnb listing) seem so…stunted and…bland.

    • Prof. F Camping Prof. F Camping says:

      well, can someone explain why both at the OMG condo and in julia’s ‘childhood bedroom’ there are two twins beds pushed together?

      • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

        Her parent$ are Rob & Laura Petrie, D0nkey is Little Bitchie.

      • Albie Quirky says:

        It’s just weird. I suppose it makes sense for a guest room when your guests might be siblings (like Julie’s cousins) as often as couples?

    • Frequent Liar Miles says:

      I guess I have a bit of a soft spot for Robin Bogger (it can’t be easy to have A Donkey for a daughter), so I don’t like to snark on her often, but Good Greg, she has the most deplorable, soulless taste in home decor. Besides the completely generic furnishings and bland palette, the lighting always looks so harsh, yet somehow at the same time cold and dim, in Donkey’s braggy OMG-Lakefront-Home and OMG-Downtown-Condo photos. Too bad for Donkey that she inherited Momsers’s decorating gene (and missed out in the looks and brains departments.)

    • Handbag Cohen Stuffed With Hair says:

      What is the thing flowing from the ceiling? Does it have a name?

  39. Blinking.SOS.at.the.Camera says:

    IMHO she looks quite pretty and fresh here. Light touch on the make up and age-appropriate clothing that fits properly makes her look so much healthier/younger! Imagine that.
    Yet still overkill with the accessories.
    Honey, SIX white accessories? White earrings (very pretty! like!), white belt (maybe gold metallic — matte or gloss — might have been nice?), white ring (please throw that thing away), white bracelet (no, no, no), white purse (okay, if you must), white shoes (so heavy, SO white … some strappy sandals would work with this pretty feminine dress, maybe also gold metallic?).

    [img]http://i50.tinypic.com/aonw2p.jpg[/img]

    • Mooch says:

      I thought she looked nice here too, minus the accessories, of course. How is her face not bloated like it is on the show?

      • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

        From the 2nd pic, it looks like she could have (should have) tied the sash of the top behind her back — had she done that, she could have accentuated her small waist & done w/out any belt.

        E.V.E.R.Y. single white item she has one needs to be gone.

        White shoes are the absolute worst.

    • Edward R. Burro says:

      Ugh. Why do those shoes exist in a just society?

      • Norse Horse, Sisyphean Bolder says:

        I can’t with the white shoes. I am from the 80′s, where ladies worked and abused white shoes in a terrible way. White pumps with acid-washed jeans sorts of horrors. It was like the My Lai massacre, basically. A humanitarian horror.

        (I think in the future, “nude” colored shoes will be considered the same way. But I’m not aware they’ve taken off in the same way. )

        Donks is a hick.

        • Helena (Pterodactyl Trallala) says:

          I already do consider “nude” shoes the Verdun of our time.

    • Those white clompers seriously look like hooves. So heavy. And yes– white overkill. Mix and match, honey.

    • Albie Quirky says:

      She looks surprisingly cute. Maybe she will get a date with one of the powerful moms’ fantastic sons after all?

      And this confirms my opinion that she had a peel or dermabrasion in NY because her face went from Angry Loofah to better than it has in a long time.

      • CaptainGary says:

        Honestly, she doesn’t even look like the same person that we see screeching and braying each week on “Miss Advised.” Which causes me to wonder…

        WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU HIRE A MAKEUP ARTIST/STYLIST FOR WHEN YOU’RE HOSTING A CHURCH RUMMAGE SALE BUT NOT FOR THE SIX MONTHS YOU’RE BEING FILMED FOR NATIONAL TV?? Or for, you know, YOUR TV APPEARANCE THAT VERY MORNING??!?!

    • Albie Quirky says:

      You’re forgetting NGMB’s outdated white Chanel bag, visible behind her in fig. 1.

      • Albie Quirky says:

        Whoops,no, I see you called it. Never mind.

        • Blinking.SOS.at.the.Camera says:

          Ya, and I was too soft suggesting that she could keep it when that purse beside it (her mother’s?) would be so much nicer, less garish.

    • Lilly Liberation Front says:

      Wow, she does look pretty here. Botoxed into oblivion, but the makeup isn’t spackled on like usual, and she looks like she might have actually gotten a good night’s sleep.

      Agreed on the accessory overkill, especially that ring. But, for her, this is quite good. I wonder if someone helped her?

      • Norse Horse, Sisyphean Bolder says:

        There’s a bit of JLo thing with this look, but I mean that in a good way. I’ll allow some prettiness. Sustained.

        • Dr. Gary says:

          ‘Sustained’ = LOL

          It’s so friggin’ hot and humid in LA today, and I’m cranky. I thank God for you funny cat bitches.

    • Princess WideStance says:

      Lighter eye makeup and some reflective under eye concealer/highlighter = good. Somebody else did this makeup job.

      • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

        In addition, it looks like her eyebrows have a little more distance between them. Overall, a much fresher & natural look going on here.

    • Prof. F Camping Prof. F Camping says:

      are these pics from the OMG deballage?

    • The Final Rose says:

      Whichever make-up artist she shilled for on Twitter yesterday must have removed the spider lashes. I can’t imagine the amount of turpentine that took.

    • You Have a Situation on Your Face Girl (and fug on your feet) says:

      Nice look for her indeed. But not only are those shoes FUG, but well, I guess that’s it. Those are fug, always and forever.

  40. alessa says:

    whoever’s been messing with her face needs to have his license revoked. what she’s done to herself is just sad. i thought you needed to have a psych eval after a certain number of cosmetic procedures?

  41. Prof. F Camping Prof. F Camping says:

    attention: I just played “GOLEM” in Scrabble.
    #Booyah

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