Have At It, Fatties: Miss Advised, Episode 4

In which Donk is proud of her pink cowboy boots and cowboy hat. Can’t wait til after the show, when she insists William said something racist off-camera and that’s why she comes off as such a lunatic.

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475 Responses to Have At It, Fatties: Miss Advised, Episode 4

  1. AFGHANI says:

    First!!11

    sorry, couldn’t resist. I’m fat and sorry, of course.

  2. How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

    SPOILER ALERT: Donkey goes to see a witch!
    [img]http://xff.xanga.com/7d9f117322432217911847/b170622374.jpg[/img]

  3. sausage curls/fingers says:

    Isn’t this the episode we’re supposed to “just wait and see” because she comes across great in it?

  4. *fist shakes* says:

    The tvpc link doesn’t seem to be working for me. :(

  5. Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

    SOB. I still have no cable from the fucking D.C. hurricane. I have to get online using my fucking phone as a modem. I am not going to be able to see this shitshow???

    When does iTunes post them?

    • The Final Rose says:

      Not until tomorrow, I’m afraid.

    • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

      It is already up on iTunes — FYI: iTunes doesn’t date ‘em, or put ‘em in date order; “Kissing, Drinking & Dancing” shows as #3 on the search results list (I cross-referenced Wikipedia & BTW, wiki only lists seven episodes).

      • Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

        I am watching now on a crappy slow modem so lots of buffering but Jesus Christ, going to witches. Oh honey.

  6. mcakez says:

    I just wanted to point out the whole oatmeal charity thing if no one has seen it. Awesome backstory, read about it.

    Anyway, it is particularly relevant here because the artist at the oatmeal made FU money and… well, just look at the link/picture.

    • Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

      OMG, imagine the irate emails poor Lindsay Manning is going to get.

    • diluted brain says:

      I posted that link last week in one of the threads!! I don’t exactly think she’s a celeb but it is on point with her face.

      • They Call Me Jack says:

        I didn’t see it–spare me, AK Kitty!–and a friend just sent the link my way right before the show.

    • Malformed Face (Like a Bloated Deli Ham Left in a Hot Mercedes C Class) says:

      That is not even the worst pic of her.

    • AFGHANI says:

      Heather Dubrow does look awful, even by Housewife standards.

      • Bravo's Bitch says:

        Really? To me she is kind of a Whoville acquired taste. And she hates Jesus Juggs so i dig her. OOPS sorry my Bravo Housewives obsession is on fire tonight.

        • AFGHANI says:

          I feel bad for Jesus Juggs. She is so obviously insecure, as evidenced by both her marriages. However, I feel like she is essentially harmless and a decent person, deep down. Whereas people like Heather and Vickie and Tamra clearly enjoy bullying, excluding, mocking, etc.

          I doubt Jesus Juggs will be back next season.

          • Bravo's Bitch says:

            I don’t mind Alexis and LOVE her compared to Vicki, I just wish she would be more assertive and throw her Bravo weight around. I would have punched a bitch in Costa Rica if they ganged up on me.

          • helobabe says:

            Did you guys see the Dateline investigation on Vicki’s boyfriend? Bleh, creep central.

    • Malformed Face (Like a Bloated Deli Ham Left in a Hot Mercedes C Class) says:

      “How dare you, Lindsay, I HAVE BULIMIA!!!!!!”

      So, I’m guessing Donkey knew about this and that’s why she leaked you her bulimia bullshit – to pad her lies when she gets confronted with this.

      • Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

        Good theory.

      • Dyspeptic says:

        Totally the reason a Donkey is trotting out the bulimia sob story again this week. How dare you suggest I am bloated with injectables?

        • Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

          Because suggesting you shove your finger down your throat to barf up 18 bars of chocolate every day is somehow less humiliating than admitting you get injections to look younger.

          Donkey logic.

  7. diluted brain says:

    oh sweet, the bobby pin mullet..

  8. sausage curls/fingers says:

    SO quirky

  9. The Final Rose says:

    How many outdated Chanel bags does show own exactly?

  10. KrakenSkulls says:

    OT: but related?

    This woman on Jeopardy just said she wore a hot pink wedding dress.

    • fauxtoshoot says:

      I saw that! She said her favorite colors were purple and pink, and then said her wedding dress was hot pink. I cringed but realized perhaps I should not judge her for it. She made it to Jeopardy! after all… something we all know the fellow pink-loving Donk could never aspire to in her wildest dreams.

      • Queen Neferteeri says:

        And she got married, which is something else Donks will never do.

      • They Call Me Jack says:

        Can you imagine Culturally Illiterate Donkey on Jeopardy? It would be like Cindy Brady on the kiddie quiz show.

  11. sausage curls/fingers says:

    Stumpy leg, check
    Slightly overweight, check

  12. DSM V: JFA Edition says:

    poor jules, even the crazy glinda white witch is hotter than she is… too dumb for ny and too ugly for LA…

  13. SchadenfreudianSlip says:

    I feel like I’m commenting on the usual Bravo crap that Mrs. Slip watches.

    This is so ridiculously contrived.

    • CaptainGary says:

      I know; I feel so lame for watching this horrible show on this horrible channel. But I’ll be damned if I give up a coveted Monday night TV slot that MrsCaptainGary (aka Breakfast Burro-ito) and I can actually agree on – especially when it’s the Donk!

      But yeah, every single damn line she says in confessional is like the fifth take – cut! Don’t use that!

    • SilverBulletViBRAYtor says:

      My husband, normally a very easy-going man with a high tolerance for crap entertainment, solemnly asked me to watch “Miss Advised” only when he is asleep or out of the house. And this is a man who can listen to the Shaggs, watch back-to-back Jess Franco movies, and go to tractor pulls.

  14. SchadenfreudianSlip says:

    Lord that face.

    And stop the damn blinking!

  15. They Call Me Jack says:

    This wiccan plot is the most contrived shit yet. Everybody, including Julia, looks like they work in Porn Valley.

    • The Final Rose says:

      I agree. This is so dumb.

      • They Call Me Jack says:

        Why did she think viewers would think this is so wonderful? That she’s such a fucktard she’d get advice from “witches” and get the courage to call up her fake date–Rambo’s sloppy seconds–for another fake date?

        • AFGHANI says:

          Rambo is dumber than a brick, but I love that she still stealth-pwned Julia be mentioning she had gone out with William.

          • Dyspeptic says:

            That was sweeeeeet.

          • AFGHANI says:

            Didn’t she say something like “I went out with him too and you can have him” ? I don’t remember exactly, but it was funny.

          • Dyspeptic says:

            It was more or less, “you don’t know this, but I went out with William for two weeks.” Leaving everyone to wonder why it was only 2 weeks, and whether Wm was lacking in some way, else why would Mary mention it? Stealthy!

  16. sausage curls/fingers says:

    If she’s rid of past dating baggage does that mean she’ll stop name dropping Jack McCain?

  17. The Final Rose says:

    To be a fly on the wall…

    Julia Allison ‏@JuliaAllison

    AHHHH!! #MissAdvised viewing party at @StandardNY!!! With @JuliaPriceMusic, @LewisHowes, Meghann & Krystal & @Meghan!!!

    10:06 PM – 9 Jul 12 via Echofon · Details

    • AFGHANI says:

      I’m shocked Meghann Dotson and Krystal Kahler (Danish Mary) are still involved with Julia. This has to be for the LULZ on their part.

      • Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

        I have heard there are viewing parties thrown by KK that are ALL ABOUT ridiculing a donkey.

        • AFGHANI says:

          So Julia’s like their minstrel? Is that what was up with Julia showing up for a few minutes at KK’s 30th bday party last yr? It was weird… JABa showed up hours late and was the only one who didn’t participate in the trapeze thing.

        • juliaspublicist's rococo pile of polyester juliaspublicist says:

          KK disgusts me more than donkey. She so obviously hates that bitch and mocks Julia at every opportunity, yet still plays along. THAT IS NOT THE DANISH WAY, KK!

          • Tremendous Liar; Donkey Repugnant says:

            Maybe this person is taking their revenge for Julia’s sophisticated opinion about how boring Copenhagen is.

        • pearipathetic donkey says:

          Donkey’s longest lasting friendships are frenemies, at best, who laugh behind her back. So. Blessed. Even Carebear, who seems polite, was looking forward to the riDONKulousness of this shit show.

    • They Call Me Jack says:

      Lasagna and Krystal Burger? Just like old times! Um, er., oops, she’s dressing like Taylor Swift. This is the fakiest ep. yet. Shaddup, Donkey!

      • AFGHANI says:

        Meghan = Meghan Parikh aka Asha

        Meghann = Meghann Dotson, the one who loaned Julia a coach last yr at her boyfriend’s place and then was awoken by Donkey + Marquant going at it like on Animal Planet

      • AFGHANI says:

        Alagna’s name has no “h”

    • Prof. F Camping Prof. F Camping says:

      Danish Mary and Money Shot came to point and laugh, right? Where was Lasagna?

    • Life is unfair says:

      Where is New York-based Miss Advised “sister” @amylaurentmatch?

      Not invited?

      Declined?

  18. sausage curls/fingers says:

    Cameo from the stolen tiara??

  19. DSM V: JFA Edition says:

    the little ho down in the room thing in the pink hat and boots…. she’s just so f’ing cray

  20. diluted brain says:

    She doesn’t STFU. So painful to watch.

  21. They Call Me Jack says:

    Wine tasting but she doesn’t drink! It’ll be like an old Love Connection episode!

  22. The Final Rose says:

    William gives even better face than Toilet Julia.

    • The Final Rose says:

      OMG, someone please be able to screencap the face he makes when she jokes about him proposing.

  23. Bravo's Bitch says:

    What a bloated bucktooth moron. And no, you are boring.

  24. Heart of Donkness says:

    [img]http://i.imgur.com/OkiIq.jpg[/img]

  25. DSM V: JFA Edition says:

    “I tried, I tried for a helicopter..” yes you did donkey and it fled to guam.

    • sausage curls/fingers says:

      I tried for the helicopter… but Bravo said I wasn’t that important

    • Prof. F Camping Prof. F Camping says:

      oh god, i thought the SAME.THING.
      keep that helo… far away from a donkey, babe!

  26. sausage curls/fingers says:

    Holy shit, I can’t watch anymore. I have to keep hiding my eyes. I feel like I’m watching a sitcom where the whole point is to make the viewers feel second hand embarrassment.

    • They Call Me Jack says:

      Sorry, bunny! But we’re out of canklehausen ointment!

      • sausage curls/fingers says:

        At least it gives me more insight. Before this I really thought she was one of the rich, popular girls growing up. Nope. She must have been a social outcast. I’m shocked she wasn’t home schooled. She’s just so… weird.

        • Queen Neferteeri says:

          Why would anyone think she grew up rich or popular?

          • Albie Quirky says:

            She tries to make people think that.

            And her family is rich by most people’s standards, just not by Wilmette standards.

          • sausage curls/fingers says:

            Let’s be honest, her family is fairly well off. $10k for a graduation gift and a spare condo for Julia to lay around in?

            She was decently pretty when she was younger, a cheerleader of sorts at Georgetown. For most people without a crippling social disorder that would translate into popularity. I’m fairly new here and I didn’t realize she was so painfully awkward.

  27. Donkeycam Now! says:

    Donkey on a horse!!!!

    HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-HAAAAAAAAAAW!!

    She’s doing it on purpose, right?

  28. The Final Rose says:

    The show is not semi-scripted, dearhearts. ;)

    Julia Price ‏@JuliaPriceMusic

    Behind the scenes secret! The producers tried to get me to go crash the William/ @JuliaAllison date. She doesnt even know that! #MissAdvised

    • Malformed Face (Like a Bloated Deli Ham Left in a Hot Mercedes C Class) says:

      Love it! The producers know Donkey is threatened by Balding Julia and William would have gotten a Lewis Howes boner for her and Donkey would have flipped the fuck out.

    • AFGHANI says:

      ehhh, I think maybe “JP” is a little full of herself. If you like emaciated girls, she’s your girl. But the more you look at JP, the more you see something is really off. And she’s boring as fuck.

    • Prof. F Camping Prof. F Camping says:

      HOW DARE YOU! A DECADE OF WORK WENT INTO THAT MOMENT! YOU COLD JUDGEY HATER OF TALENT THAT HAD TO WORK AGAINST THE ODDS!

    • JFA says:

      This girl is such a fucking twit. NO1CURR you anorexic dumb dickhead.

  29. newbie says:

    new here, but even I can’t help but notice she keeps touching that belt

  30. DSM V: JFA Edition says:

    how many sips in half a vineyard?

  31. "40 lbs heavier, older, midwest" - Observations from an Agent says:

    I don’t know if JA chose the second date, but they went from LA to Temecula? That’s 2-3 hour drive depending on traffic. Poor William, stuck in a limo with Donkey for hours on end.

    • DSM V: JFA Edition says:

      and lilly stuck in the house the whole damn time. you have to assume it was 5 hrs in the car, and filming all the takes of the horse riding, wine tasting, etc.. would have had to have been another 4-5 hrs. i hope lilly shat in her shoes…

    • AFGHANI says:

      What does William get out of this? I mean, Jesus… he had to spend more than 10+ hrs of his life with Julia… for what? This makes no sense.

  32. ThinkerBelle says:

    I’ve never been more embarrassed for someone. How did William sign up for this? The look on his face after she forced him to kiss her was priceless.

    • The Final Rose says:

      I know I’ve commented on it a million times, but YES. He’s practically blinking SOS at the camera.

      I really can’t figure out why she likes this episode so much. Yes, you browbeat him into kissing you for five seconds. Then he ran out of your apartment and blew you off. Which is NOT ‘making you work for it’, for the record.

      I’m seriously blushing on her behalf.

      • diluted brain says:

        He didn’t even kiss her on the cheek goodbye. He ran out of there so fast. Imagine being at a ‘viewing party’ with your friends? I’d be hiding in the bathroom…crying. It’s embarassingly bad how aggressive she is.

        • The Final Rose says:

          Did you hear him mutter “later” when she demanded a kiss in the limo while lunging at his face? I can’t believe she thinks this is cute.

          • diluted brain says:

            YES! It was so hard to watch. Plus I don’t find him attractive. Someone medicore like him won’t even kiss her — that’s pretty bad.

          • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

            Like a mediocre guy w/ standards should be desperate enough to ever the D0nkey? Nah.

        • Malformed Face (Like a Bloated Deli Ham Left in a Hot Mercedes C Class) says:

          BUT SHE SAW IT AND THINKS IT’S GOOD.

          WHAT. IS. WRONG. WITH. HER?

          • Dyspeptic says:

            that’s just spin. she knows it’s awful, but she’s gotta put some kind of a happy face on it. Almost makes me pity her. Almost.

    • My guess is he’s another actor looking for TV time. At the beginning of their phone convo she cut him off. Sounded like he was going to ask if it was another set-up date.

  33. They Call Me Jack says:

    Is she finally going to get laid by this guy who’s “boring” and reminds her of her dad? Is that why we’re supposed to love this episode? Nope, I guess we’re supposed to thrilled because they’re might be a third fake date. This is my last episode, and I still think they’re going to cancel this comatose fakery.

    • Prof. F Camping Prof. F Camping says:

      Jack, you can’t bail, Jelly D is next week! Prom Cray-mas!

      • They Call Me Jack says:

        I may have to. Did you note that I used “they’re” instead of “there” in that post? Watching Donkey is systematically lowering my I.Q.

  34. Donkeycam Now! says:

    Donkey:
    I am definitely pursuing William more than he is pursuing me

    Transbraytion:
    I really really want to get into William’s pants but he is obviously put off by my braying, my cackling and my rapey behavior. I tried getting him drunk (the ol’wine tasting trick) and putting my face on his lap in the limo (hello!!! BJ offer, anyone?) but it didn’t work. MY CLAM DUNGEON IS OPEN FOR BUSINESS, WILLIAM!!!! ARE YOU GAY????? PLEASE!!!!!!!!!! FUCK ME NOW!!!!!!!!!! I PROMISE NOT TO TWEET ABOUT IT UNTIL EJACULATION!!!!!!!!!!! PLEASE WILLIAM!!!!

  35. helobabe says:

    My nightmares are going to be full of Alton Busey from now on.

    • diluted brain says:

      Perfect description. His shaking during kissing was… awkward. Everything about this show is awkward to watch.

    • Dyspeptic says:

      I didn’t see it on a free pirate channel tonight, so I gotta ask…is Alton Busey really Gary Busey’s bro or does he just LOOK like GB’s bro? Scary either way if it’s a kissing lab situation.

      • helobabe says:

        No, Alton Brown and Gary Busey had relations.

        • Dyspeptic says:

          ack, so sorry I asked, pass the canklehausen ointment please.

        • Prof. F Camping Prof. F Camping says:

          someone in chat said it was like gary busey ate alton brown. he was a creeper.

          • Dyspeptic says:

            ooh, now I kind of can’t wait to see him.

          • Pink Palatian says:

            FUNNY, but I think I met that guy. I was once caught up in this weird love triangle with a polyamorous Objectivist (don’t ask; I was 24) and I swear I ran into him somewhere… or maybe all polyamorous creepy guys look the same.

          • Albie Quirky says:

            A lot of them look like that. Was the guy you’re thinking of a photographer?

    • "Pilot" is the new "keynote" says:

      Why are all the poly, “oh I’m so sexually liberated, unlike everyone else!” types always so fucking weird-looking, downright creepy, and/or obese? His face is GRUESOME and he gives off total creeper vibes.

    • Breakfast Burro-ito says:

      How many more times is Emily going to use this “always say yes” schtick to explain bad decisions?
      Ending up in a strip club was kind of funny, but Alton Busey is like a giant, simpering boner with sticky hands and smudgy glasses.

  36. Pelts off the Charts says:

    Still literally begging for kisses. I Kant.

    • Dr. Gary says:

      I Know. I’ve never in my life begged a guy to kiss me. If a guy wants to kiss you, HE WILL KISS YOU.

      And she’s so violent. Why does she punch every guy she’s with?

  37. Dr. Gary says:

    So much CANKLESHAUSEN. Make it stop.

    Poor William couldn’t get out of her place fast enough.

  38. They Call Me Jack says:

    Amy Laurent continues to be as annoying as hell. I cannot imagine spending more than five minutes with her before running screaming toward the exit.

    • The Final Rose says:

      Her voice makes my ears bleed. Especially when she’s berating Lewis the big dumb oaf.

    • Edward R. Burro says:

      Amy’s actually looking worse than Julia. If I didn’t “know” Julia from here I would just think she’s clueless and pathetic. Obviously, she’s much worse than that. But Amy is a flat-out bitch with an annoying voice.

      • One Fat Melman says:

        Her valley girl intonation kills me.

        • Tremendous Liar; Donkey Repugnant says:

          I have yet to see the show, but Amy sounds very dated, and not in the sense in which she would like to be.

          • One Fat Melman says:

            Zing! She’s pretty awful. I doubt she’s done anything half as heinous as La Donk, but she comes off horribly on the show.

          • Tremendous Liar; Donkey Repugnant says:

            Of course, that generalization applies to all the girls in this sphere. Julia would seem fairly au courant in 1998. Flusher Price’s music would seem mildly innovative if it were recorded 30 years ago. Taryn Southern would be kinda funny if she preceded The Lonely Island.

  39. It's just BIOLOGY says:

    So, should we be expecting a mule out of this? Donkey riding a horse? Anyone?

    • I'm guessing it's biology! says:

      Hey! Nice name..

      OT: I found a stash of ointment from my PhDonk days! Thank you, Prof F Camping!

  40. DSM V: JFA Edition says:

    this is just all so sad. it’s like watching an hour of which of their 3 fathers was the worst. amy’s segments just make me so sad for her.

  41. TheSpanishInterrogation says:

    A couple things struck me here; a.) this is horrifying, I am cringing watching all three of these heffas 2.) donkey looks like the scream mask |||.) donkey also looks like the muppet from Solid Gold, but even that muppet was prettier than Donkey.
    William will never a donkey.

  42. Donkeycam Now! says:

    Is it me or Emliy’s date looks like a creepy Nazi doctor?

    And his “polyamorous” girlfriend looks like a raging lesbian.

    • Albie Quirky says:

      She’s mostly lesbian, apparently. I thought she was much much cuter than Twitching Alton Busey. If you were going to add just one peen to your menu of poon, why on Earth would it be creepy gross him?

      • Fameless Shamewhore says:

        Totally agree. I thought she was cute and seemed normal and friendly. What she is doing with that dude is a mystery.

  43. A Donkey is an Ass says:

    Ugh. Contrived Donkey is contrived.

    • The Final Rose says:

      The only non-contrived piece of this episode has been when they caught her asleep in front of her computer. I just wish they had shown the Reblogging Donk tab that we all know was open.

      • Pelts off the Charts says:

        Late for deadline….also rings true.

      • Dr. Gary says:

        LOL. This.

      • Pink Palatian says:

        What floors me is that professional writers would be able to just, oh, write the fucking article. The only time I’ve ever stayed up all night to meet a deadline was in grad school, or if I failed to plan my workload accordingly, because it was so hard. She’s an idiot.

  44. Andy Whorehol says:

    The guy so clearly was repelled/repulsed by her. He didn’t even stick around long enough for a potential BJ! The sight of the pink boots/hat on her probably didn’t help much. Or giving him all her wine like some prim fucktard: as Ramona Singer would say, “Just drink it already!!”

    Good God she’s an embarrassment to single women.

  45. Bravo's Bitch says:

    Stop flinging that dog around like a rag doll. And I hate pets but seriously?

  46. Dr. Gary says:

    Why is Julie so LOUD? Why does she talk so much? Is that a NPD thing? Or just a douche-tard thing?

  47. Donkeycam Now! says:

    Ha ha ha!!!

    Donkey discovers that wood floats!!

    Priceless!!!

  48. Pelts off the Charts says:

    I think she likes this ep because she finds herself beautiful in that white dress.

  49. sausage curls/fingers says:

    Did the ocean scene remind anyone else of Arrested Development?

  50. Bulimia bloat with a side of bray says:

    Favorite show tweets:

    Courtney Kreimer ‏@courtneylk85
    These women on #MissAdvised are what give single women a bad name. Seriously, they’re nuts. And the redhead needs to lay off the booze.

    margiecakes ‏@margiecakes Creepy aggressive Gary Busey poly dude needs to go out with creepy aggressive Julia Allison. He never blinks, she blinks constantly. Perf!

    Kitty Walsh ‏@shamilami
    Julia Allison needs to disappear off the face of the earth… Forever. #missadvised

    Karolina Reiss ‏@KarolinaReiss
    Bravo’s #missadvised is the most ill conceived, trainwreck-ey, coma inducing reality tv show of all times.

    Amelia ‏@xoamelia
    You guys, Amy is so obviously a massive bunny boiler. #missadvised

    Lauren ‏@lmtr1881
    I am so embarrassed for these chicks on #missadvised especially the pathetic @juliaallison & also myself for continuing to watch. CAR.WRECK.

    Amelia ‏@xoamelia
    A horseback riding date on a Friday afternoon?! It’s like @JuliaAllison doesn’t have a real job or something! #missadvised

    fullspeedlohan ‏@fullspeedlohan
    Oh sweetie. Visiting a witch and a gypsy on cable tv is no way to snag a husband. Not does admitting your clear daddy issues @JuliaAllison

    Brett ‏@brettsaysthings
    so, I have no feelings about Julia Allison, but sometimes I watch Miss-Advised to remember how great it is that I never have to date women

  51. Empty, Scheming Doll says:

    Andy just called JA out on WWH for “begging for a kiss…again” (his words!)

    • The Final Rose says:

      I can’t believe I missed it!

      • They Call Me Jack says:

        It was just a few seconds–everybody went “ew”–and Cohen went back to talking with some real housewife and the Scissor Sisters.

        • Ass Baughers Syndrome says:

          Yes, he set up that housewife bitch and she didn’t even swing at it.

          • ThinkerBelle says:

            Sonja really disappointed me by not hitting that out of the ball park. Such a waste of a set up. She should be banned from one episode for not playing ball.

          • AFGHANI says:

            Sonja has no idea who the fuck Julia is.

    • helobabe says:

      He actually said, “Okay here is Julia begging for a clip….A KISS, a kiss! Here is Julia begging for a kiss”

      She has definitely been begging for a clip!

      • Dyspeptic says:

        So very delicious, that not-so-Freudian clip slip. A Donkey must be so steamed. How will she spin it, though? “Andy noticed me! We’re besties! He loves to tease me! He was just kidding! Why do you care?”

    • LOL, sorry I didn’t read upthread. I posted the same thing downthread (watched from the west coast).

  52. Blinking.SOS.at.the.Camera says:

    I’ve been out all night drinking and am unsteady but you bitches are killing it with the commentary. Almost like being there but maybe better ’cause I ain’t. Eff!! Gorilla glass and Guinness don’t mix, y’all. xxoo

  53. helobabe says:

    Julia Allison
    Witchy Woman

    Julia thinks her love spell truly helped.

    Oh happy day, an episode in which I don’t sob hysterically like a seventh grade girl whose crush checked “NO” on the “Do you like me, check YES or NO” note her BFF just passed to him. Truly a victory for me.

    So, let’s see, let’s see. What happens in this ep? Well, for one, I go on a second date with Sir William. I have never called him Sir William before, but there’s a first time for everything, isn’t there? So here we are with Sir William — who happens to be the son of a preacher, by the way (Cue up that music! “The only one who could ever reach me was the son of a preacher man!” I’m dancing around in my underwear right now! OK, no I’m not. That was a lie.) — and I’ve rented a stretch limo to go horseback riding and wine tasting in Temecula.

    Well about that. Hmm. How shall I put this? Let’s try this way: I, being of sound mind, body, and pocketbook, mostly don’t think it is normal to rent a stretch limo on a second date. Can you think of reasons why I would do that? I was told that apparently one needs to do such a thing, because when one drinks, one cannot drive. I hear that. I think that’s quite smart, in fact. Otherwise I rent limos for one occasion and one occasion only: PROM.

    OK, now that we’ve cleared that up (because really, I would generally slap a girl who RENTED A STRETCH LIMO FOR A SECOND DATE), let’s get on to the good bits, namely horseback riding. This was my idea, for the record, and I had a damn good time doing it. I freaking love horseback riding. There are very few things I enjoy more. (Fully clothed, that is… Oh get your mind out the gutter, you, I was talking about a massage. Or something.) All I wanted to do was gallop around with my pink cowboy hat and my pink cowboy boots. Speaking of which, I purchased those both for the epic Wyoming cowboy wedding of my friends Dave (from Montana) and Brit (from Texas), and they are from Sheplers.com, which I’m betting will save you an email to me being all, “Oh hey Julia, um, where are those wicked awesome pink cowboy boots from? I want to purchase a pair for my niece.” Even though secretly you’ll buy them for yourself. I know you. I know your games. Every girl needs a pair of pink cowboy boots for HERSELF! And also for the record, the friend with whom I was watching said they were “trashy.” I thought that was mean and considered having a friend-dumping, but then I decided he was just jealous HE didn’t own pink cowboy boots and a pink cowboy hat. Obviously.

    Right, so on from the transport and the costume (Did I say costume? Yes, I said costume.) to the actual date. I’ll tell you, after all that galloping, I was very much in the mood for some vino. Also I couldn’t feel the circulation in my legs. I had insisted upon wearing my college “skinny jeans,” because I feel strongly that they have a “Spanx-like effect” on my gluteus maximus, even though they don’t exactly “fit” in the traditional sense. Meaning they kept busting open in the crotch/zipper region. Awkward. All the more reason to drink those insanely delicious wines!

    Other than that, with regard to wine tasting — and alcohol in general, really — I don’t really know how to talk about it, per se. If you ask me what flavors I taste in a particular vintage, like bark or citrus or shining star flower meadow dewdrops, I’ll usually answer what I’m thinking: “Tastes like alcohol!” Or sometimes, “Yum!” Those are pretty much the only two descriptive phrases I’m capable of when it comes to this sort of thing, so perhaps I’m not the most exciting wine tasting date. That said, I am good about giving the other party more wine, so they get more inebriated faster. I think of it as “manners” but others, like Sir William, may describe it as “hazing.” It’s really all a matter of perspective, don’t you think?

    In this case, I was attempting — and failing, I think! — to get Sir William out of his super cool, hunky, slightly acerbic son-of-a-preacher shell and into my busted-jeans-pink-cowboy-hat-and-boots-wearing-super-enthusiastic-slightly-more-than-tipsy arms. In my quest — and yes, I think I did see this as a quest — I sort of, well, I did it again. I threw myself at my date, but I got that kiss this time! (Note: Sir William is an excellent kisser. Do not tell his preacher dad I said that.) I probably should have waited for him to kiss me first, but, well… baby steps. As I said on the show, it’s hard enough to control myself without imbibing half a vineyard. Also this is the reason I advocate hiking dates. Who wants to throw themselves at a dude when they’re sweaty and gross and sober? NO ONE. NOT EVEN ME.

    In conclusion, wine tasting in California is freaking awesome. The whole country should do more of it. Particularly on dates. Although you might not 100% remember any substantive bits of conversation, or, say… much at all from the evening. Other than that the wine was, “Yum!”

    So on to the really good stuff, which is to say THE WITCHES! Oh, the witches, how I love them. When I started my “Guinea Pig of Love” series for ELLE, I had a few unconventional expert ideas in mind — a psychic, a love therapist, a pleasure coach, maybe a tantra teacher — but I didn’t think of witches! Honestly, I didn’t even know witches existed outside of Wicked (Sing with me now: “Defying gravvvvity!”). Well, they do. And they’re hot, too. (Seriously how pretty were they? It was like Witch Barbie up in there!) Truly, in the months since I met them, that fateful day last fall, The House of Intuition, on a hill just off of Sunset in Echo Park, has become my spot of choice for healing.

    A bit about my spiritual background: I began my life as a default church-goer, raised in the Protestant faith, but quickly segued into an obdurate atheist as an adolescent. Finally, post-college, I developed a deep faith. Beyond that, I’ve always been an explorer, a seeker. Curious about the world and the way things work, I’ve had quite a bit of success with integrating “Eastern” or “New Age” ideas that I didn’t grow up with — like yoga, acupuncture, meditation, ashrams, the concept of karma, green juices, holistic medicine, etc. Some of those concepts were considered “fringe” little over a decade ago — and now I’m watching dudes downdog in my yoga class. How our world can change!

    So in light of this, I’m open-minded about going to a sacred place that offers everything from clairvoyant and aura readings to intuitive counseling, chakra balancing, reiki, numerology, and crystal healing. They also offer, of course, witches.

    I’ve received a crystal reading from Marlene, and spoken to the gypsy witch, Magda, who gave me great wisdom. I have done reiki work and I regularly visit a shaman from Africa named Jude. I go into him feeling haunted and exhausted, drained of energy and joy, and I walk out filled with light and joy. I light candles and incense and clear my energy on a regular basis. It feels like a long way from the suburbs of Chicago. Although, who knows? Maybe they have similar spots there, and I just looked right past them. That’s a possibility!

    What happened that day though was powerful beyond my imaginings. Whether you want to call it a placebo effect or whether you really believe that the negative dating energy I had been carrying around like a Sisyphean bolder on my shoulders was finally released, it doesn’t really matter. What matters is that I made a concerted effort to draw a line in the sand: no more old patterns! Frankly I was down to try anything after the last year of dating, after the last fifteen years of dating. Shape a clay figurine into a doll and have me imbue it with my old junk, my insecurities and my fears? Awesome. Let’s throw this bitch away! And so I did (throw it away, that is).

    I have to admit there was a moment after I wrote down all of the old pain I wanted to get rid of — from being dumped, from not feeling loved, from this sense of utter f-ck-up-ed-ness, from wondering if anyone would ever want me — when I was meditating above the witches’ cauldron and I felt that negativity and that shame and that desolation just flow out of me. I almost cried (of course I did).

    But then I didn’t. For once I swallowed those tears and I put the energy into the little golem figurine. And I took that casket, the tiny casket that personified my pain, and I threw it into the ocean. That it didn’t take the first three plus times I threw it surprised me not at all. Terribly wounded love lives don’t go down without a fight!

    Do I think it worked? Well, I don’t think it hurt. And quite possibly I think it helped. I know it got me in the right mindset. It wasn’t the end; it was the start. You can judge and you can say it’s crazy — that’s easy to do, and you’ll find a lot of cold, hardened, judgey people to agree with you. But who’s to say what REALLY works when it comes to affairs of the heart, except just making conscious decisions to create a new, more fulfilling reality yourself? And that’s what I did with the beautiful witches in that little house on the hill.

    All I’m saying — don’t knock it until you’ve thrown your own golem in the ocean. Metaphorically or literally.

    • idiotbox says:

      Jesus, she’s fucking manic…

    • A Donkey is an Ass says:

      Holy fuck. I got dizzy after the first two paragraphs. What a psycho.

      • pearipathetic donkey says:

        YES! Her writing always had this type of flighty lightness to it, but this is just INSANE! Its definitely gotten much worse.

        • Pink Palatian says:

          Piece of advice for Juliar (hi, Donkey!): unless you are writing a (stupid, in your case) speech, you don’t write the way you speak. Even for the most articulate of people, it comes across sounding stilted and odd.

    • Sacred Scrapbooks Picture Consultant says:

      TL; DR version*:

      I…blah blah…I…blah blah…me…blah blah…I…blah blah…I…blah blah…me…my…blah blah…I…blah blah…

      *for everything she’s ever written.

    • Blinking.SOS.at.the.Camera says:

      1. Is she high?
      2. boulder

    • Dyspeptic says:

      wow, that is some epically nauseating prose. I went into Cankleshausen arrest about 3 inches down. Get help!

    • By the Grace of Greg says:

      Wow. She’s really a terrible writer. This is what happens when there’s no editor culling away her nonsense. I always thought her stuff was boring and a little ut easy but this… It just comes off as manic and all over the place. And her going on about what a great kisser William is, after demanding those kisses in the most aggro way. She’s a genuine nutcase.

      • crazytrain says:

        She really has no idea how the english language works.

      • CaptainGary says:

        And with him, you know, barely kissing her. I know what it’s like to mack fully on the ladies when you want to kiss them. And that ain’t it…that’s how you kiss the crazy drunk girl to make her stop.

    • They Call Me Jack says:

      OMG! OMG! I thought Helobabe had written this as a joke. I’m serious! But it’s Julie’s real deal. Christ, this is horribly written and utter garbage. If she rises phoenix out of the ashes after this folly, there is no god.

    • A Donkey is an Ass says:

      This is such a piece of shit, but this paragraph made my Canklehausen flareup something fierce:

      Well about that. Hmm. How shall I put this? Let’s try this way: I, being of sound mind (NOPE), body (TRY AGAIN), and pocketbook (DAD$ERS ALLOWANCE), mostly don’t think (OBVIOUSLY) it is normal to rent a stretch limo on a second date. Can you think of reasons why I would do that? (YOU’RE FUCKING DESPERATE AND INSANE) I was told that apparently one needs to do such a thing (THIS SHOW ISN’T SEMI-SCRIPTED, HATERS!), because when one drinks, one cannot drive. (PEOPLE RENT A CAR AND A DRIVER, A DONKEY. NOT STRETCH LIMOS YOU DESPERATE FUCK) I hear (WHO FUCK CAN HEAR ANYTHING OVER YOUR PATHETIC SCREECHING?) that. I think that’s quite smart, in fact. (HOW FUCK DO YOU CALL YOURSELF A WRITER?) Otherwise I rent limos for one occasion and one occasion only: PROM. (JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, I CAN’T EVEN)

      Sorry for all of the cursing.

    • Dr. Gary says:

      Good Greg. She is such an terrible writer. Why does anyone keep giving this idiot writing gigs?

      I loved how she was complaining about editors the other day. Bitch, please. You should only hope some poor editor would edit your word vomit.

    • Stinky Velour Couture says:

      wait, wut? I thought this was a laugh by RollsRoyceRevenge….
      ugh.
      so.sad&wierd.

      • RollsRoyceRevenge says:

        You rang?

        So let’s see. What happens in this episode? I go on a second date with Sir William. I have never called him Sir William before, but the divinely swan-like British Lady Gwendolyn hissed out of my corn flakes this morning: ‘first time for everything you fuhkin’ cahnnnnt.’ I have got to stop grating shrooms onto Eggs Benedict as a weekend treat.

        In any case, I rented a stretch limo to go horseback riding and wine-tasting in someplace evidently called Tarantula, which, if you ask me, needs a new Board of Tourism. I was told that one must rent a stretch limo because when one drinks, one cannot drive, which should be news to Cousin Chuck if not the string of nuns he ran over back in ’96. Otherwise I rent limos for one occasion and one occasion only: PROM. This is also the same reason that I buy a diaphragm. From the same place – Steely Stans’s Stretches. He also has a sideline in gourmet jellybeans and a patented mouthwash that works wonders on your hair.

        OK, now that we’ve cleared that up, let’s get on to the good bits, the end credits. And we will get there, but first: horsies!!! Well, what can I say? I love horses, best of all the animals, I love horses AH FUCK JESUS THAT SONG IS IN MY HEAD NOW.

        So out I went, wearing my pink booties and cowboy hat. And for those of you who need to know where I got them, I found on Heath Ledger’s grave. My jeans didn’t fit and my cooch kept busting out my zipper like an annoyed bat. All the more reason to get falling-down drunk, as nothing says Fun With Alcohol & Women more than God Dammit My Clothes Won’t Stay on When I’m Sober.

        After I woke up and chewed five aspirin I went off to see the witches, which is not, as you may well think, secret code for “edit Non-Society’s last 30 posts,” or even “log on to RBD and see how many times JP claims a cock was up his ass last night;” no, it means honest-to-God witches, with pointy noses and black hats and the whole nine yards. Wait, those were the Hasidim.

        The real witches live in a place called the House of Intuition, which is an off ramp past the Road of Excess about a quarter of a mile from the Palace of Wisdom and overlooking a beautiful view of the Slough of Despond, right next door to Echo Park, everybody’s least favorite novel by Bret Easton Ellis. Not counting the one they made into a movie starring a bunch of people and drugs.

        I’ve received a crystal reading from Marlene (I thought for years they were diamonds, Prom King, you fink), and spoken to the gypsy witch, Magda, saying, very slowly and politely, “you cannot park your bus on my lawn. Please move elsewhere.” I have done reiki work and regularly visit a shaman from Africa called Offensive Spiritual Stereotype. Or, as I like to call him, “Magical Negro.” I go into him feeling haunted and exhausted, drained of energy and joy, and he goes into me like eight inches of hot, hot love, sisters.

        TL; DR – I made a magical dolly that represented everything wrong with my life. Actually the thing that it most vividly represented is that I’m not very good at making magical dollies. I threw it in the ocean to cleanse myself and it bobbed back like so many acres of BP spill. So I threw it into the ocean again and again and again and finally the cop on the beach gave me a ticket for littering.

        Fuck.

        • AFGHANI says:

          Your version actually makes more sense than hers.

        • Little Orphan Lilly says:

          I go on a second date with Sir William. I have never called him Sir William before, but the divinely swan-like British Lady Gwendolyn hissed out of my corn flakes this morning: ‘first time for everything you fuhkin’ cahnnnnt.’

          Dying. That’s exactly who I thought of when she busted out with the “sir”.

        • bitchface says:

          She should pay you for making her sound interesting.

        • JuLIAR Allison (will never the learn button) says:

          Oh dear greg, this had me in hysterics.

        • Donkeycam Now! says:

          “My cooch kept busting out my zipper like an annoyed bat”.

          Oh, my….. I haven’t stopped laughing yet.

    • CaptainGary says:

      You stay the fuck out of my neighborhood, Donks! Luckily, that shouldn’t be a problem, since I’m sure she just goes to the witch and peaces out, ignores all the motherfucking character that the most interesting neighborhood in Los Angeles has to offer.

      • elpie says:

        FELT THE SAME WAY. I am in EP a lot and love it dearly. But I live within minutes of so much of the shit on this show (Shaky Alabi, Larchmont) that it gives me the creeps.

        GO AWAY, JULIE.

        • Temporary Delurker says:

          EP cat lady here too.

          It freaks me out that I recognize the places she goes too.

          • CaptainGary says:

            Gold Room viewing party! I’m sure they’ll let us watch it there if there’s no Doyers game on, there are free tacos (and stabbings, sometimes!) and there’s NO WAY IN HELL that La Donk will ever crash it there…

      • Dr. Gary says:

        This! The Shaky Alibi is right near my house.

    • CaptainGary says:

      And, also? I guess we know why she was tweeting about fucking “Wicked” all day.

      Does this B never do anything that doesn’t reek of trytoohard?

      • Temporary Delurker says:

        I’m down for a Gold Room viewing partaay. As long as I don’t have a game.

        Or Allston Yacht Club? Taix Lounge? Let’s do this. I’ll bring my sweater made of cat hair.

    • ThinkerBelle says:

      Who the f^ck keeps hiring her as a writer? I only read it because I thought someone else was writing as her. She should be paying to write this crap.

    • “Watching dudes downdog?” What kind of yoga class is she in? I think it’s called “downward dog,” and I don’t even do yoga.

    • Fueled by PMS & Chocolate says:

      Adderall high? No way le Donk wrote that bumbly, nonsensical crap sober. It’s maddening that people allow her to call herself a writer and get away with it.

    • MY Beach Home says:

      WTF with the fiction that she is writing Elle articles during filming when it is so obvious that she just wrote them after seeing the edited episode one week ago.

    • Skirt Pull says:

      A shaman from Africa. Not from a specific place in Africa, just Africa. The whole freakin continent.

      • Prof. F Camping Prof. F Camping says:

        yeah…sigh. someday the perception (and presentation!) may actually change from being a dark jungle full of AIDS. but not thanks to julie albertson.

  54. The Final Rose says:

    Well, I guess we know why she loved this episode so much.

    “I threw myself at my date, but I got that kiss this time!”

    Seriously, so sad. And a little bit manic.

    • The Final Rose says:

      SSSF, this was meant to be in reply to helobabe/Julia’s blog entry.

    • CaptainGary says:

      Yeah, that was some kiss. He barely stopped himself from retching. Is she unable to read people’s expressions?

      • Dr. Gary says:

        Isn’t that an Aspergers or autism thing? Unable to read other people/pick up on social cues?

  55. The Final Rose says:

    And we have this week’s excuse for being allergic to donkey fur. She is so vile – actually, they both are.

    Julia Price ‏@JuliaPriceMusic

    Dude so William wouldnt kiss @JuliaAllison because his dad was a preacher. I don’t even really know what to say about that. ‪#MissAdvised

  56. Actual Shower Vommer says:

    I was not NEARLY as creeped out by Julia’s fantasy date as I was of that creepy room filled with crocheted wieners, the old man in the chain necklace and the twitching kisser dude.
    I think I have PTSD . Ugh, Emily, why did you do that to yourself…

    • They Call Me Jack says:

      For San Francisco, that was fairly tame and I like Emily,

    • mcakez says:

      Crocheted wienies were to make it safe for television, I think, but the mombies watching on were giving me a sad Stepford vibe. (Hah! Vibe, get it? GET IT?)

    • Skirt Pull says:

      The crocheted penises were one of the most awful things I have ever seen. As is the thought of the germs lurking behind those veneers.

  57. Russian Girl says:

    I have come back from the goat raping and realize what this is. And this is not pretty. This is SINGLE IN THE CITIES, which was on the Bravos, I think in the months before 7/11. REMEMBER THATS??? They ask us to care about peoples in love in fake relationships. We try. We watch. And then we realize this is manufacture BULLSHIP; NO COME CARE ABOUT YULIA AND THE BORING ONE! NO ONE CARE ABOUT AMY AND LURCH! NO ONE CARE ABOUT EMILY AND THE ONE WITH OPEN SORE HERPES!!! NO ONE CARE!!!!! It is fake TV and you are trying to make selves stars by being personalities but we all figure that out by now, years and years later, so SERIOUMLY, NO ONE CARES.

    Also, Julia and her ass? I not advise that now. No.

  58. Andy Whorehol says:

    That blog post really does prove what a self-absorbed moron she truly is.
    I love how she just had to discuss her “costume”, trot out her lame/tired wine quote: “it tastes like alcohol!”(derrrrp!), and attempt to namedrop Brit/Dave’s wedding invite(ZOMGTechFounderzzz!).

    Shutup already. No.one.cur. I only read it because her awfulness continues to fascinate me in the same way those YouTube fights in Denny’s fascinate me.

  59. Albie Quirky says:

    Brilliant chatpeeps said “What if yourself is the golem?” and I died, y’all. I saw a white light, and Ernest Borgnine waiting at the end of the tunnel…

    • Princess WideStance says:

      Hah! That was the last thing I remember from chat before falling asleep. Sooooo good.

  60. Dancing With Myself says:

    That entire episode made me want to crawl under a rock and die. I swear to god that felt like an hour of every completely humiliating experience I’ve ever had. And it didn’t even happen to me! I would shudder right now, but I am paralyzed with humiliation by proxy.

    ::shudder::

    Whoop, there it was! Let the healing begin.

  61. FIEIRCE Mani says:

    Ummmm. No. Boring. Again.

  62. FIEIRCE Mani says:

    Julia …not you guys!

  63. Random Snowflake says:

    It’s so weird that Julia thinks she has accomplished something by getting on a reality T.V. show.. I’m trying hard, but can’t think of too many folks who were ever remembered, or thought fondly of, for being on a reality T.V. show. Most of the time they end up in clips on VH1 being made fun of by other minor celebrities.

  64. Cats have hobbies too says:

    I’M SHOCKED.

    I can’t believe they got Gary Busey to teach a kissing class with Emily.

  65. Cut. Don't use that. says:

    THIS was the episode where she comes of looking “good?” Are you FUCKING kidding me? She looked horrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrible this week, inside and out. I could literally feel the boner killing energy coming from the television, as my peen tried to retract up into my body at the sight of this lunatic.

    But honestly, out of all the shit in this episode, what really got me was that SHE SUCKS AT HER FAKE JOB. The screen shot of the blank MS-Word document on her Macbook Air “By Julia Allison” made me want to throw a brick through the television.

    • crazytrain says:

      I just remembered how the whole Nonsociety debacle was actually contrived to be the plot of her failed pilot about her and Meghan and Mary launching their “business”. And three years later when Bravo casting came knocking again, they had to set up another fake job for Julia, who had done basically nothing since the last pilot failed. Her life makes me so sad to think about.

    • Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

      OMG, she had her byline typed on a blank page???

      LOL LOL LOL LOL

      • Prof. F Camping Prof. F Camping says:

        i know right?! it’s almost like…she doesn’t know how journalism works… could it be?!

        • CaptainGary says:

          OK, so I don’t get it – when the fuck does this bullshit madeup Elle.com column supposedly get written? Is it during filming, when she can remember the date and how they showed it on the show, with her sadass blank-but-bylined page? Or is it written now, since in her current terribly written snoozefest says something to the effect of “in the months since…”?

          Or (and this is likely) do these morons at Elle.com not even bother to edit her online shartings anymore? They certainly don’t read like they’ve been touched by anyone who speaks English as a first language.

          • CaptainGary says:

            Oh, ok…see, I didn’t know that this was her Bravo blog as opposed to her Sweaty Pig of Love “column.” This makes more sense, as you better believe no one from Bravo has any interest at all in trimming down this 5 page shitshow.

            That said, does anyone want to post the Elle.com “column”? Or has it already been banished to the land of wind and ghosts?

      • Cut. Don't use that. says:

        She’s a sereeus profeshunnal joornalizum laday.

      • "Pilot" is the new "keynote" says:

        She is NPD for sure, but she is also somehow only four years old on a mental level. Jacy, this show keeps persuading me that your theory – that Donk is developmentally disabled and her parents are just glad she can live somewhat unassisted on the money they give her – is probably spot-on. The running around in circles, making Lilly “type,” dancing around her bedroom in that awful cowboy hat…all very re-re.

        • Blinking.SOS.at.the.Camera says:

          Also, the skirt pulls. Something I’ve only ever before seen an actual toddler do. And usually as a signal they have to potty.

    • Tremendous Liar; Donkey Repugnant says:

      “The screen shot of the blank MS-Word document on her Macbook Air “By Julia Allison” made me want to throw a brick through the television.”

      This is a superb symbol of Julia’s literary contributions over the years. Bit poetic. This symbol, not Julia’s writing.

  66. They Call Me Jack says:

    “I’ve received a crystal reading from Marlene, and spoken to the gypsy witch, Magda, who gave me great wisdom. I have done reiki work and I regularly visit a shaman from Africa named Jude. I go into him feeling haunted and exhausted, drained of energy and joy, and I walk out filled with light and joy. I light candles and incense and clear my energy on a regular basis. It feels like a long way from the suburbs of Chicago.”

    And about 20,000 light years away from Georgetown, you embarrassing trainwreck!

    • Prof. F Camping Prof. F Camping says:

      Pettifogger: “It feels like a large sum has been drained from my pocketbook. This was NOT the small gift of $10k we discussed!”

    • Albie Quirky says:

      How about taking a shower and clearing your pelts of their filth and scheme juices regularly instead?

      • They Call Me Jack says:

        Oh I know, Albie. I refrain from yelling UNCLEAN! UNCLEAN! whenever I take a close look at her pelts.

    • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

      I have done reiki work

      WTF? Does this bint even know what Reiki is? (No, she does not!)

      [1] There is no ‘work’ involved in quietly relaxing* on a table as a Reiki practitioner does their thing; & [2] No effing way in hell did anyone try to teach D0nkey the practice of performing Reiki (transferring energy / healing via a laying-on of her nasty-ass hooves).

      * I realize that ‘quiet’ & ‘relaxing’ are oxymoron words when used in sentences by &/or about D0nkey, & that’s my damn point — she could never do it to begin with, so why even mention a process that she either failed at or never had?

      I think the reason she ‘liked’ this episode best has nothing to do w/ the experience of the event(s) itself & everything to do w/ D0nkey’s percepthion that she wrote an interesting recap of it.

    • "Pilot" is the new "keynote" says:

      She feels good after these sessions because these people are being paid to be 100% focused on her. Narcissistic supply replenishes her rotten soul. No big mystery here. Soon she’ll be paying guys to fuck her, too.

  67. Jeanne says:

    wow desperado….these women do come off messed up. sad

  68. A Donkey is an Ass says:

    [img]www.bravotv.com/media/imagecache/photo-scaled/photos/missadvisedseason1galleryallisonwinehorsedate05.jpg[/img]

    A Donkey want shoes.

    So classy.

    • A Donkey is an Ass says:

      [img]http://www.bravotv.com/media/imagecache/photo-scaled/photos/missadvisedseason1galleryallisonwinehorsedate05.jpg[/img]

      Gregdammit.

      • Tremendous Liar; Donkey Repugnant says:

        Yes, Julia, your date understands what you’re trying to suggest here, but you might want to tell him about the shoe requirements.

    • A Donkey is an Ass says:

      [img]http://www.bravotv.com/media/imagecache/photo-scaled/photos/missadvisedseason1galleryallisonwinehorsedate10.jpg[/img]

      And here we see A Donkey demanding her shoes like they were a MacBook.

      • Greg'sWife (literally) aka DirtyLakeMichigan says:

        Do you think Jack misses his belt?

      • Donkeycam Now! says:

        My favorite moment is when they are in the limo, on the way to Tarantuculo and William’s arms are crossed, between his stretched legs, covering his crotch, like one big X that says “you ARE NOT getting any of this, Donks”.

        Body language is a bitch.

  69. A Donkey is an Ass says:

    [img]http://www.bravotv.com/media/imagecache/photo-scaled/photos/missadvisedseason1galleryallisonwinehorsedate09.jpg[/img]

    BJ complete!

    • They Call Me Jack says:

      Next stop, Seamy Valley, Donkey. Time to embrace Chatsworth, your true clomping grounds!

    • Dr. Gary says:

      Nasty Julie is nasty.

      • Blinking.SOS.at.the.Camera says:

        The constant presence of her iPhone … why? Expecting an emergency text while being filmed during your fauxmantic date? Didn’t think so.

        • Pelt Up says:

          Ordinarily I’d say having the phone out like that on a date is rude, but maybe the producers prompt her via text message?

    • Malformed Face (Like a Bloated Deli Ham Left in a Hot Mercedes C Class) says:

      HER WEAVE!!! Girl, I can see where yo’ weave weaved in!

      • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

        So funny that D0nkey elects to truly believe that there’s anything attractive or natural about the plastic pelts … all they do is enhance the size of her already-ginormous head, since they stand out like a sore hoof.

        Delusional D0nkey is delusional.

  70. mcakez says:

    By request, the best of RBD chat for this episode, in chronological order, but some context in bold (Sorry if I left out some good ones; I just did a quick scan, and there was so much to work with, despite how boring this episode was):

    (7:02:40 PM) Bulimiabloatwithasideofbray: DAVID RUBIN IS LOVE.

    On creepy poly Busey look alike.
    (7:05:11 PM) mcakez: He just did the saddest ‘come hither’ look. it looked more like, “Let me show you my bathtub full of lye.”
    (7:05:26 PM) Bulimiabloatwithasideofbray: mcakezz: “i’d like to wear your head as a hat”

    On Amy.
    (7:06:28 PM) AlbieQuirky: Oh, Amy, I hate your voice so much
    (7:06:35 PM) Bulimiabloatwithasideofbray: can’t she be dubbed?

    On the witches.
    (7:07:15 PM) AlbieQuirky: Love spell jesus christ
    (7:07:16 PM) mcakez: “Can you sell me chloroform?”

    (7:07:28 PM) AlbieQuirky: “Witches don’t have to be ugly” well, that makes one of you

    (7:08:25 PM) discardedtutu: “i have a stumpy leg”. indeed.
    (7:08:49 PM) mcakez: She should have made the golum out of mashed potatoes.

    7:11:01 PM) AlbieQuirky: “I don’t care if it’s ten witches putting me in a giant cauldron” please baby please baby please baby baby please

    On poly perv again.
    (7:11:58 PM) AlbieQuirky: He looks like Gary Busey wearing an Alton Brown costume for Halloween

    On dating rules.
    (7:16:00 PM) Stramash: My rule is: Just contact their fiancees.
    (7:17:27 PM) Stramash: It is also important to point to your crotch. Always point to your crotch.

    On riding asses.
    (7:21:54 PM) mcd: don’t put all your weight on your ass!
    7:22:21 PM) DavidMFRubin: LEGALLY, WE CAN’T ALLOW YOU TO PUT ALL YOUR WEIGHT ON THAT HORSE.

    (7:28:45 PM) Bulimiabloatwithasideofbray: whispers to the belt as she cradles it lovingly

    (7:29:36 PM) DavidMFRubin: I WONDER IF THE WINE MAN IS RECEIVING WILLIAM’S TELEPATHIC MESSAGES TO KILL HIM.

    On the ‘kiss rape.’
    (7:30:37 PM) mcd: omg his penis just died
    (7:30:55 PM) mcd: his penis just blackened and fell out of his jeans

    On what Alton Busey is thinking.
    (7:35:38 PM) AlbieQuirky: Alton Busey, I want you to have as many partners as you like as long as they’re not me.
    (7:38:45 PM) DavidMFRubin: I’M THINKING ‘DID I BUY BLEACH AND DUCT TAPE YESTERDAY?’

    On the golum. (Possibly my favorite exchange of the night.)
    (7:50:24 PM) MeowMix: WHAT IF YOURSELF IS THE GOLLUM?
    (7:50:36 PM) Bulimiabloatwithasideofbray: your gollum, yourself
    7:58:55 PM) DavidMFRubin: MAYBE SHE SHOULD CONSULT HER MIT PHYSICS PHD BROTHER AS TO THE PROPER GOLEM DESTRUCTION METHOD.

    On David, er, possibly mother-effin’ Rubin and Alton Busey.
    8:00:02 PM) mcd: david rubin “DID YOU FUCK ALTON BUSEY????”
    (8:00:11 PM) DavidMFRubin: THREESOME WITH ME AND BUFFALO BILL?

    On possibly biography titles.
    (9:08:55 PM) ProfFC: “My golem floated back: the Julie Albertson chronicles”
    (9:10:06 PM) ProfFC: “I live with a nut. Buy my album: the Julie Price sing-a-long tapes”
    (9:11:15 PM) mcakez: “I don’t have oppoable thumbs to shoot myself: The Lilly Diaries.”
    (9:12:52 PM) mcakez: “I Can’t Eat That: The Amy Laurent Cook Book”
    (9:14:21 PM) cankles: Give .49 a day to keep Amy alive
    (9:14:27 PM) ProfFC: “Boner Killer Palaces: the Marina del Bray tourist guidebook”

    On Julia being a cheap date.
    (9:24:24 PM) mcd: i love that bravo is using groupons for her dates
    (9:26:13 PM) KrakenSkulls: Busey wanted to have a groupon Emily

    • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

      Reading: ” LEGALLY, WE CAN’T ALLOW YOU TO PUT ALL YOUR WEIGHT ON THAT HORSE.” last night got me to choking on my buttermilk pie, so I really should have seen it coming this go ’round, but greg-dammit, you got me again!

      • mcakez says:

        I don’t know who was playing DavidMFRubin, but that catlady was killing it last night. I hope there is a repeat performance next week.

    • Prof. F Camping Prof. F Camping says:

      tears of laughter…thanks cakez!

    • Greg'sWife (literally) aka DirtyLakeMichigan says:

      *dead* Thank you cakez. I don’t get into chat often but this is KILLING me. Can you do this every week? What’s making it super funny is I was watching it on demand while reading this. SOMUCHLIKEI’MWITHYOUGUYS!!!!!

      • mcakez says:

        I was supposed to do it the last two times, but I was getting ready to go on vacay last week and was too plastered from the drinking game the week before to try and wade through again.

        I could try and pull some choice lines from the previous chats, if there is any interest, but I figure those ones are too old at this point to make sense for anyone who isn’t *shudder* re-watching.

  71. Sacred Scrapbooks, Golem Boomerang says:

    Some gifts from Bravo:

    Unaired footage of Julia, professional writer — she considers herself an “artist”, peoples! — with the Elle editor:
    http://www.bravotv.com/miss-advised/season-1/videos/margarita-to-calm-nerves

    A preview of the Jellyd prom date; can’t imagine why he ran screaming into the night after shooting ended:
    http://www.bravotv.com/miss-advised/season-1/videos/going-back-to-prom

    • helobabe says:

      I never drink…except at business meetings.

    • mcakez says:

      No joke, the editor’s face when she says “I consider myself an artist.”

      [img]http://oi49.tinypic.com/2e4lz85.jpg[/img]

      captcha: cat’s cradle

    • Dr. Gary says:

      *cringe* x infinity

      • Andy Whorehol says:

        Wow. The laugh at the end of the first clip? Just, wow. That was definitely dubbed in to make her look even more idiotic than normal. Nice work, Bravo.

    • Rosalie says:

      “What up now? I don’t suck.”

      Except when you do.

      • Prof. F Camping Prof. F Camping says:

        and then she just wants to go home and sleep. as if he has been through a huge ordeal!

    • Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

      OMG the terrible, terrible braying. That first clip ends with a total Fran Drescher bray.

      • Donkeycam Now! says:

        That bray gave me acute canklehausen.

        I almost called an ambulance.

      • Julia's Authentic Pelts says:

        I feel like the braying has gotten completely out of control during this show. They way she greets people “HIIIIIEEEEEEYYYYY!” and the constant braying laughing and hoarse squeeing….it is brutal. That alone is enough to send guys running for the hills.

        • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

          How about that whiny, two-syllable Noooooo!-uhhhhh! in the tuxedo shoppe? The second time I heard that shit, I’d be bitch-slapping a d0nkey & claiming to have killed a face-eating mosquito on her behalf.

    • erg says:

      i looooved the Zooey D style, “i don’t suck” dance…

  72. Andy Cohen just said “Once again, Julia Allison begged for a clip.. er, kiss.”

    haha, nice Freduian slip there, Andy.

    • It would have been nice if I had spelled “Freudian” correctly.

    • Malformed Face (Like a Bloated Deli Ham Left in a Hot Mercedes C Class) says:

      Hmmm…. I wonder if her manager has been bugging Andy’s people to show clips of Miss Advised and insinuating it’s b/c he’s not supporting it that the ratings are tanking…

      You know she’s looking to blame someone for this mega failure.

    • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

      [1] Freudian slip, or [2] Totally cat-culated?
      (I’m convinced that Andy has a deep & unwavering fondness for RBD.)

      • Could be both!

        I think Andy has a pretty good BS detector. He gets along with everyone fine, but you can always tell when he has a guest on the show that he can’t stand. Lots of eye rolling.

  73. helobabe says:

    [img]http://oi49.tinypic.com/ak7sqo.jpg[/img]

    Canklehausen IV STAT!

    (Captcha was “IDENTITY THEFT”)

    • Sacred Scrapbooks, Golem Boomerang says:

      It’s always great when an established star like Julia takes time to help out an unknown like Kaling!

    • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

      :-( If only Granny Money Bag$ had told D0nkey that, just like men, Mindy Kaling et all can smell desperation.

      D0nkey … LEAVE MINDY ALONE!

    • JFA says:

      She…really shouldn’t be notifying anyone of import that this show exists. Let it die a slow, quiet death, sweetie.

      My god, she thinks she has arrived with this shitshow. It’s not a joke, it’s for real.

  74. Sacred Scrapbooks, Golem Boomerang says:

    ‏@JuliaAllison: Generally I hate it when people say “so blessed” (I want to punch them in the face), but I do REALLY feel blessed working w @HOISunset :-)
    2:39 AM – 10 Jul 12

    Don’t surprise yourself with a sucker punch, Julia:

    My life is more or less the same – in fact, perhaps by “objective” standards, worse! – but I have never felt so blessed.
    http://julia.nonsociety.com/post/77574664

    Sometimes it just hits me, how amazing it is to be alive … I feel so blessed.
    http://julia.nonsociety.com/post/30635141

    I’m so blessed to have Lilly
    http://julia.nonsociety.com/post/90998723

    I have been so blessed to be able to write for them for the past two years.
    http://julia.nonsociety.com/post/129069583

  75. Fameless Shamewhore says:

    What? Is wrong with Amy?

    “Getting back into dating is like going without eating chocolate for a really long time, and then you see this box of chocolates in front of you and you just completely gorge on it and then the next thing you know you’re throwing it up all over the place.”

    This quote really belongs in the last post about bulimia. She has some very disordered thinking about eating.

    • The Final Rose says:

      Yes, I noticed this too! I could not believe how casually she referred to binging and purging.

  76. CUNTBunnies! says:

    So! I waited (im)patiently for itunes since the stupid streaming sites didn’t work, and I have some thoughts…

    First off, A Donkey really doesn’t know what a gollum is? REALLY? That hurts my feelings.

  77. CUNTBunnies! says:

    K ONE MORE TIME!

    Rilly? Donks doesn’t know what gollum is?
    [img]http://www.catladybasement.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/5-rings-v2.jpg[/img]

    She’s supposed to list things she wants to rid herself of, and here’s the first page:
    fear
    fear of not being unconditionally loved
    fear that I don’t deserve to meet someone I really (underlined TWICE so you know it’s important) want to be with
    fear that I’ll fuck any good…
    (I can’t read the rest, the sausage snapper is in the way.)
    [img]http://i.imgur.com/L3k9b.jpg[/img]

    LOOKIT HOW LONG THE LIST IS!
    [img]http://i.imgur.com/sCxlJ.jpg[/img]

    Then Donks sez: “Obviously these witches sense that this is an emergency situation with me.” …and all I can think is that THEY CAN SMELL YOUR DESPERATION, AND ALSO DUH.

    Then the witchybitch sez “Go to a place where you feel peace or what seems to be beautiful to you, it could be the cemetery, it could be a park, it could be the ocean, it could be… so long as it’s not close to you “ (More on that later.)

    She yaps with Toilet Julia for a while, and I see this:
    [img]http://i.imgur.com/cqUCE.jpg[/img]

    William only checks 51 out of 73 boxes on her checklist. She’ll still try to stuff her tongue down his throat, tho.

    She gets out of the limo @ the horsey place WITH HER PHONE IN HER HAND! WHO DOES THAT?!?

    “That’s so funny, he *was* gonna propose today but you just ruined the surprise, so”
    [img]http://i.imgur.com/K55Ka.jpg[/img]

    Then it’s Emily, and…the twitching? WHAT. THE. ACTUAL. FUCK. Also:
    [img]http://i.imgur.com/zobPf.jpg[/img]

    So, back to Donks! She harrasses the dude for a kiss, and this is his face just after:
    [img]http://i.imgur.com/Q1hS9.jpg[/img]

    Then they come home from the date, and Lilly needs to go outside… and then? DOES SHE LET THE POOR THING PEE OR WHAT? FREE LILLY!

    Ugh, Lewis’s shirt is UNBUTTONED TOO FAR. CAN’T UNSEE.

    Emily’s eyes are SO PRETTY.
    [img]http://i.imgur.com/EGTvv.jpg[/img]

    Donks is late writing her column, except… the love coach was LAST WEEK. What the?
    [img]http://i.imgur.com/HuJK0.jpg[/img]

    Toilet Julia is kinda right… A Donkey doesn’t look hideous with a french braid (and glasses, which are also not hideous.):
    [img]http://i.imgur.com/ipiV2.jpg[/img]

    What the shit? Buy a REAL cookbook, girls!
    [img]http://i.imgur.com/SJgGU.jpg[/img]

    FREE LILLY!
    [img]http://i.imgur.com/cQzfD.jpg[/img]

    It floats! It floats! (We all float down here!)
    [img]http://i.imgur.com/dnqh8.jpg[/img]

    [img]http://i.imgur.com/dOt85.jpg[/img]

    And where does she dispose of her “gollum coffin?” RIGHT BY WHERE SHE LIVES, OF COURSE!

    And then! In the previews for next week, Amy, the saddest non-catlady of them all, sez to Lewis “I’m just saying you’re analyzing me constantly.” (Who is she kidding? SHE is tots the control freak in ANY relash.) and he answers “you asked me to.”
    [img]http://i.imgur.com/li4My.jpg[/img]

    Maybe it’s my lack of reality tv in general (just an antenna for me, bunnies!) but this show is starting to grow on me. I almost want there to be a season 2 so I can continue to point and laugh at the wacky crazy bitches who are NOTHING AT ALL like the people I encounter in real life.

    • Julia's Authentic Pelts says:

      OMG great work!!!

    • bitchface says:

      thank you for grabbing these – you hit every one that I gave my viewing partner a side eye of incredulity for! ESP THE PINK CLOSET!!!!

      Of all the 3 TV characters (real life shit-heads aside b/c Julia wins that tiara hands down), Emily is the worst – “Like, I’m rehally uh-noyed; you di-n-d-nt text muh, for like, a loooong tame.”
      Ugly young dude: “What was it, like 2 days?”

      PS I kind of like Amy. She’s a lost little girl playing sex goddess but she seems at least partially human.

      • Fameless Shamewhore says:

        I agree with you, because I think you have the names mixed up – Emily is the hippy-chick and Amy is the WORST ONE, as you so rightly point out.

        • bitchface says:

          right yes! SSSF!

          Sex with Emily would be fun. Sex with Amy, notsomuch.

          • AFGHANI says:

            Emily looks like the sex would be great, but the way she acts… soooo self conscious.

          • Guam in the Shower says:

            Yes, but since minute one, I have thought they should trade names.. Emily looks like an Amy and Amy looks like an Emily for some reason. But Amy sucks and I kind of like Emily. I think Amy is coming off worse than Julia.

      • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

        Bitchface, I’m guessing you meant Amy where you said Emily, & vice versa?

        • bitchface says:

          Yes I apologized in shame an hour ago….. SSSF

          Sex with Emily. Sex with Emily. No sexay time with Yoolia or Amy.

          BTW isn’t William kind of a mouth breather too?

    • Scooby Don't says:

      Lost: One Donkey’s Bragworthy Bountiful Bosom
      If found please cram in a push-up bra, add some cutlets and press into a rich/married man’s arm
      Repeat ad infinitum or until the first allowance check clears.

    • geo-bragnostic says:

      this is so great. but i think it

      • geo-bragnostic says:

        whoops… it’s a golem rather than a gollum? unless that is the joke and i am dense?

        • Prof. F Camping Prof. F Camping says:

          it’s golem, though i’m sure donkey has no idea who gollum is either, or the difference between the two.

        • Albie Quirky says:

          Julie Albertson is both like Gollum, in that she is grasping and demented and kind of misshapen and spends way too much time thinking about a ring, and like a golem, in that she is made out of clay and doesn’t have a mind of her own.

        • Skirt Pull says:

          Golem = a clay figure, commonly associated with Judaism and Prague history. Gollum = smeagol in Lord of the Rings.

    • mule on rouge says:

      One of those books is titled Ultralongevity. Nooooooooooooooooooooooo!

      (Please note: I’m not wishing her an early death, just her “career” as a famewhore.)

    • Tremendous Liar; Donkey Repugnant says:

      Like button.

  78. flatface says:

    …. And Randi Z’s reality show gets front page New York Times treatment.

    http://www.nytimes.com/2012/07/10/technology/silicon-valley-wary-of-reality-series.html?_r=1&hp

    • Donkeycam Now! says:

      OMG! Donks must have had a fit over this.

      “How come the New York Times did not write about MY show??

      I put A DECADE of work into it!! I had to blow people that gave me no shoes in return to be ON THAT SHOW!!!!

      DON’T THEY KNOW WHO I AM?????”

    • pearipathetic donkey says:

      She must be fuming. After all, Donkey sees herself as the hot one. Everyone should pay attention to her. How long until the complete Baby Jane like meltdown?

      • Albie Quirky says:

        I’ve written a letter to Daddy
        His address is “Condo Downtown”
        I’ve written, “Dear Daddy, send money
        I need a new pink evening gown!”

        Instead of a stamp I put kisses
        ‘Cause I’m made of nothing but sex
        I’ve written a letter to Daddy
        All about my Elektra complex!

    • Donkey Punch says:

      “Only the ideas counts.” Way to announce that you totally fail to understand entrepreneurship, NYT. Ideas are free; only execution counts.

      BTW, where is that Hermione Way defender to tell us how she’s such a nice person? $50 tickets to your birthday party so you can pay your rent? SO NICE!

  79. Fameless Shamewhore says:

    Sorry people, but in this episode I can’t get over Amy and her world-beating uptighness.

    For example – Lewis offers to take her salsa dancing and she rings her friend Lorenzo.

    Lorenzo: Hello?
    Amy: Hey, Lorenzo…
    Lorenzo: Amy?
    Amy: Hiiiiiiii
    Lorenzo: Hi, what’s up?
    Amy: Listen, I have a question for you…what the heck do people wear to salsa? Do they wear, like, a dress?
    Lorenzo: Salsa’s like very sexual
    Amy (pulls the wierdest, most disgusted face – someone please screen capture!): IT IS?!?
    Lorenzo (can not believe his ears): Amy, come on, are you serious?

    How can she live in New York city – I mean how can she get to mid-thirties or however old she is and not have the first clue as to what to wear salsa-dancing? How can she never have been salsa-dancing? And what the hell kinda problem does she have with sex?!

    • CUNTBunnies! says:

      O, you mean this?
      [img]http://i45.tinypic.com/2qlbpud.jpg[/img]

    • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

      What? IS wrong w/ Amy, anyway?
      I’d be all ‘Oooh, lemme get my sex-you-alli-tee ON!’
      Rigid & frigid Amy is rigid & frigid.

    • Sweaty Juicy Couture says:

      agree– she’s really UN-attractive and dum.
      #foreveralone #nevergonnahappen #faketits

    • Albie Quirky says:

      The thing where she was all “I don’t usually advise women to have male friends because they just want to sleep with you but I asked Lorenzo and he said he didn’t want to sleep with me so that’s awesome because we’re friends” is weird.

      Is it wrong that the most sensible people on this episode were a) the perfume-flogging, former Bachelor, Tinsley Mortimer dating Lorenzo Borghese, b) the hippie dialed to 11 “witches”, and c) the slightly-freaked-out soccer moms attending Twitchy Alton Busey’s kissing workshop, who you can see being uncomfortable as fuck on Emily’s behalf?

      Also the wine guy and the dude ranch guy, both of whom mocked Julie Albertson for being an eejit.

  80. flatface says:

    The really amazing thing about Miss Advised is that despite the horrible ratings and scathing reviews, it has resulted in huge gains in twitter followers for Julia.

    She gained almost 10,000 followers in the last two days. She has 85,000 followers now. She had like 75,000 over the weekend. Wild! It’s like everyone who hears her voice dashes to their computer and signs up for her twitter. It’s like a sickness. It’s like that thing, that sickness that everybody got in 28 Days Later. The one that turns you into a zombie, or whatever. Somebody gets it, pukes blood on somebody else, and then they have it. Except this is with twitter! And it’s not in England!

    • Malformed Face (Like a Bloated Deli Ham Left in a Hot Mercedes C Class) says:

      So strange!!! Not even 2,000 for the Miss Advised Facebook page but 55,000 new Twitter fans for Donkey since the show started. So blessed! So lucky to be able to purchase followers!

    • Tremendous Liar; Donkey Repugnant says:

      In Donkey’s mind, purchasing those followers was totally worth it. Her only output these days (sexual output included) is on Twitter, and that 85k on her profile PROVES that she is not random! It proves that you are jealous of her success!

      • Albie Quirky says:

        That is so false. She produces gallons of scheme juices per hour. She has to bring a little pink towel with her to mop up the scheme juices.

    • Probably more trainwreck watchers than fan girls, I would suspect.

  81. LetItExplode says:

    Julia can’t be this big of a trainwreck when it comes to men, right? She’s hamming up the desperation for the cameras?

    I always knew she was obnoxious before– I did not know she was actually crazy. I am wondering how she ever had any boyfriend ever if she acts like this.

    • MY Beach Home says:

      I had the same reaction when I watched last night – it is as if she has never really dated anyone before and doesn’t quite know how it works. I have said this before but her affect is one of an alien who prepared for human dating by watching a bunch of bad tv and movies. She does not act like a 31 year old woman who has been on countless dates, much less a goddamned dating columnist.

    • Scooby Don't says:

      I really believe she thinks she’s being all New Girl on camera and America’s going to love her over the top madcap antics.
      The problem is she’s left “over the top madcap” light years behind in the rear view mirror and is driving right off the cliff into the abyss of “shun the lunatic” crazy.

    • JFA says:

      She reallly is this crazy. I think she got by on her looks before. Also lots of guys like bitches and will be willing to overlook some amount of batshit insanity but the older she gets, the more desperate and sad and manic to find a husband, whereas before I think she thought she was hot shit and there was always someone better around the corner. That was probably at least somewhat attractive to men back then…but the biggest boner killer is making it patently obvious that you are just absolutely desperate INSANE to settle down.

      I used to believe she would find someone. Even the most wretched fools often do. But I genuinly now think her combination of crazy, desperate, play-doh face, infamy – it’s a rough road ahead basically. She needs to amend her wish list down and FAST, and start dating balding slightly overweight moderately wealthy middle managers with very low self esteem or she will be alone a very, very long time.

      • Malformed Face (Like a Bloated Deli Ham Left in a Hot Mercedes C Class) says:

        “She reallly is this crazy. I think she got by on her looks before. Also lots of guys like bitches and will be willing to overlook some amount of batshit insanity but the older she gets, the more desperate and sad and manic to find a husband, whereas before I think she thought she was hot shit and there was always someone better around the corner.”

        I love that when I said this you went f’ing ballistic on me! Lol, dead.

  82. Wonkeye says:

    I know it’s not fair to connect him to Donkey all these years later, but I will anyway—a pretty eviscerating takedown of Harold Ford, JR on Salon today:

    http://www.salon.com/2012/07/09/harold_ford_jr_smirking_sociopath/?source=newsletter

    • They Call Me Jack says:

      No, it’s perfectly fair, Wonkeye. Dating Julia Allison is just another reason why no one should trust a political hack, corporate shill like Ford.

      • Tremendous Liar; Donkey Repugnant says:

        Perhaps the only way to cleanse your life of the stain of dating Julia is to come to our basement and engage in the holy sacrament of confession? Celebrate Eucharist with Franzia and orange-powdered hosts, then Mr Meowsers will absolve you of your sins!

    • AFGHANI says:

      He’s always been a piece of shit. And LOL @ his judgment for dating a college sophomore (?) when he was in the House. And a loud-mouthed fame-ball college sophomore who was know as “the Medstitute”. I mean… wtf?

  83. Ass Baughers Syndrome says:

    Catladies, I will be in Chicago next week and going to the University Club. Their dress code is to laugh. Hope to see some Baughers there but they’re probably embarrassed to show their faces anywhere.

    • Sweaty Juicy Couture says:

      nice view from the commissary — wall-to-wall Victorian Gothic carpeting.
      Just like OMGCollege circa 1950s! Handy for the Art Institute—esp since the Boggers don’t go there.

      • Ass Baughers Syndrome says:

        I’ve never been there but I am curious. We’re in Chicago for a few days at the Fairmont and look forward to sexy times in the full length windows (JK..obviously).

        • Princess WideStance says:

          I’m in Chicago this week, too! I love this city and donks is an idiot for putting it down and thinking she’s too good to live here.

          • Albie Quirky says:

            Another Chicago adorer here. Adore.

          • A Donkey is an Ass says:

            I disagree. As a Chicagoan, born and raised, I think it’s awesome that A Donkey thinks she’s too good to live here. She’s dead wrong, but it means we don’t have to be the City of Broad Donkeys.

        • Ass Baughers Syndrome says:

          I mean I’ve never been to the university club. I did go to there for the blues festival several years ago; it is an awesome city.

  84. It floats! It floats! says:

    I’ve been lurking here for a long time, and I just wanted to share that I truly believe Julia is at her pinnacle of insanity right now. And I realize that even on a normal day she is off the charts, but my lord, just look at her twitter. I cringe everytime she says she’s going to “_____ the shit” out of someone. I can’t wrap my mind around the fact that she is so delusional that she actually believes she’s a huge success just because she’s getting a handful of positive tweets from people who are probably just trying to get a “celebrity” to tweet at them. The naked Wicked dancing lie was so transparent and attention whorey and incredibly disgusting. I think Julia has the ability to still look decently attractive if she would take care of herself, but jesus, I can’t imagine that contrived scene is the plotline to anyone’s fantasies.

    How could a person be so desperate to appear so desperate? Why won’t she wash her hair? She must be a real mess if she can’t even get it together enough to look presentable on the reality show that she claims she’s worked ten years to get. And now that she’s about to trot out the old bulimia card, which to me seems like an obvious publicity stunt (and this comes from a former college bulimic, which will most likely cause all of you to hate me) and will most likely serve as her platform the next time she pretends the her life goal is to save all the girls.

    • The Final Rose says:

      This is a much better articulated version of what I just posted below. I agree 100% – and I guess I haven’t been a Donk watcher long enough to understand what could possibly be going through her head right now. I’m totally flabbergasted!

      • iblow4shoes says:

        What goes through her head at ALL times is me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

      • Julia's Authentic Pelts says:

        I’ve been watching the Donk shitshow since 2007, and I am also totally unable to figure out what is going on with her right now. She seems downright unhinged. I never got that totally unhinged vibe from her before this show…is she playing it up? are the editors/producers playing it up? Did being on the teevees drive her to madness? Is she a brilliant performance artist? What the what?

    • Dyspeptic says:

      “Why won’t she wash her hair?” is the current biggest mystery for me. You’re on the teevees now, Juliar. Clean it up!

      • "Pilot" is the new "keynote" says:

        Seriously! Every time I have encountered Donk in the wild, her hair has been filthy dirty. I thought she would make an effort for tv. But no, she’s JUST THAT LAZY.

        • Edward R. Burro says:

          I don’t understand this at all. Is it because of the plastic pelts? Doesn’t her hair smell? And her scalp itch? I just don’t get it. I have such a phobia of dirty hair.

      • Dr. Gary says:

        Isn’t not washing your hair/not showering also a symptom of serious depression?

      • melting marionette says:

        She stays up until 4am each morning on the internetz then slumps into bed, Oversleeps and misses her call time, therefore has no time to wash and primp in the morning – yeech.

        • Princess WideStance says:

          Her attire has really surprised me. I thought since she was finally on an OMG TV SHOW she would be wearing 40 pounds of makeup, overly styled hair, princess dresses and hooker heels 24/7. But she really looks like she just gave up.

  85. The Final Rose says:

    She is so manic on Twitter right now. Is she really so happy to be on the TVs and getting love from two dozen Ashley Tisdale fans that she doesn’t care that she’s coming off as desparate, pathetic lunatic? Is it actually possible to have that little pride?

  86. MY Beach Home says:

    Catlady Help Alert: iPhone 4S – yeah or neah? Is Siris worth it or should I just get the 4? How many GB do I really need?

    I am about to jam this blackberry through a window but want some feedback.

    Muchos Besos!

    • Prof. F Camping Prof. F Camping says:

      every time i’ve tried to use siri it has been a dismal failure. but then again, android user here. i would get just the iphone 4, with 8 or 16 GB unless you have craploads of music or movies or such. or wait for the iphone 5.

    • Meow Mix says:

      To me, Siri isn’t worth it at all. She’s more trouble than she’s worth. I usually use her while driving so I don’t have to type anything in and it usually goes like this:

      MM: Call Catman Mobile
      SIRI: *really long pause* I’m really sorry about this, but I can’t take any requests right now. [This happens like 3/5 times I try to use her]

      MM: Call Oh-liv-ee-ah (I have to pronounce words like I’m crazy because she can’t understand it otherwise)
      SIRI: There’s no one in your contacts named Amanda.

      The time it takes to fix the mistakes she makes in scheduling/calling/texting people is more than it would be if I just did it myself.

    • melting marionette says:

      My attitude with memory and storage used to be “get the most memory and storage you can afford”, but you really need to determine how you’re going to use your phone to determine your true wants and needs. I work in tech so have the 4S / 64GB combo, (and I’ve almost, but never filled it completely) but my catwife survives with the 4 / 16GB version.

      Siri is kind of useful when I’m driving and a text comes through – I just say “read last text” and she reads it aloud. I can reply but usually have to revise a couple of times to fit her sentence structure and thus make a sensible response. I’m amazed: she understands a US / New Zealand hybrid accent.

      The GB question is a hard one – will you end up carrying around all of your music library on the offchance you might listen to something? Do you do a lot of traveling? Will you use a lot of different Apps? How many episodes of miss assvised can dance on the head of a pin? I used to travel a lot so loaded a bunch of movies for longhaul flights, don’t travel much now, so have more free space than I used to.

      Good luck. Have you also considered Androld and the Samsung Galaxy II or III?

      • miss assvice says:

        I absolutely love my iPhone 4S. Siri is great and will be even better when IOS 6 comes out this fall. All the screen shots I make come from my iphone. I love the reminders, appointments, and organization with siri and various apps. I swear by my iPhone and this is after having an android that I rooted and customized myself.

    • Blinking.SOS.at.the.Camera says:

      Samsung Note! It’s like a mini-tablet, but with a phone. Android. Win.
      [ducks] (Don’t want to start a techie firestorm but, sorry, I love mine.)

    • One Fat Melman says:

      I’ve had the 4 for almost 2 years and it’s just started acting up. I was planning on replacing it with another 4 because I DGAF about Siri, but then I realized that the 4 only comes in the 8GB size at this point and the 4S has options for 16GB, 32GB, and even 64GB. Also, the camera is better on the 4S.

  87. mule on rouge says:

    Observations about last night’s dionysian adventure:

    * William didn’t look too pleased that she kept dumping her backwash into his glass. From eHealth:

    Diseases that are known to be transmissible by kissing and through saliva, or by other direct or indirect oral contact, like sharing a glass or cigarette, are cytomegalovirus, herpes simplex virus (very common), Hepatitis B, and infectious mono nucleosis, which are all different forms of virus.

    * There is something unnatural going on with Julia’s upper lip. When she was rolling around drunk in the back of the limo, slurring about getting a kiss, her upper lip didn’t move when she talked. I know she wishes she were British, but come on.

    * It winced me when she lost her balance, knocked his glass of wine, and it spilled onto his shirt/pants. Everyone loves a sloppy drunk! Bet he can’t wait to introduce her to his friends and family.

    * It was hilarious when William turned his face away the first time she went in for a kiss, so she had to kiss his cheek — just like Chris!

    * Her date-rapey attitude about William’s reluctance to make out with her after she had put in all that “effort” to seduce him was soooo uncomfortable. It’s like the stereotypical scenario where a man pressures a woman for sex because he spent X number of dollars on dinner, and is bitterly resentful when she won’t “put out.”

    * How fuck did she think it was a good idea to throw that box into the ocean FROM THE BEACH? She probably just wanted an excuse to wear that white dress. Then she ends up BURYING that unholy coffin by scooping out a little sand under a few inches of water. Two thoughts immediately came to mind: That thing was probably unearthed by the tide (or a crew member) about three seconds after she walked away; and What happens when the tide goes out, you numbskull?

    * There were jean-clad butt shots of BOTH Julias. The editors must have really LOVED our Donkey!

    • Barking Mad says:

      Her date-rapey attitude about William’s reluctance to make out with her after she had put in all that “effort” to seduce him was soooo uncomfortable. It’s like the stereotypical scenario where a man pressures a woman for sex because he spent X number of dollars on dinner, and is bitterly resentful when she won’t “put out.”

      This.

  88. juliaspublicist's rococo pile of polyester juliaspublicist says:

    So how was the show?

    • Fashion Girl says:

      It was amazing. I totally have a new, positive take on Julia Allison now. She is so brave to put her life “out there” like that, she really takes a positive stand for women, and she proves that you can be smart, beautiful and have an amazing career. I wish her all of the best in her quest for true love, because the Julia I see on this show really deserves it.

      In other words, I didn’t watch. Sorry JP. :-(

  89. It floats! It floats! says:

    Other random observations: It has been said before, but she really does have an inflated ego. I think this is what is behind all of the begging for kisses. She wants to be the character who the guys are falling all over themselves to be with, but they can never meet her expectations so she rejects them. I think she thought she could get them to edit out the parts where she begs for a kiss or throws herself at the guy, and instead we’d just see the guys passionately kissing her or whatever fantasy she dreamed up. I mean, I can’t imagine any other reason you’d go on national tv and beg some uninterested dude to give you a kiss.

    Lily came on the screen last night and I go, “oh, there’s lily!” to my husband, who is just now becoming acquainted with our dear old jules. He kind of looked at me with a weird look and I was like, “You wouldn’t believe what that dog has been through.”

    • That poor pup! I found an excerpt from her diary:

      Damn that heifer. After waiting all day, I had to sit patiently and wait while Donx did her usual awkward attention-whoring dance. Thank goodness William high-tailed it out of there. Wish I could do the same, but Donx is up to my schemes. She put up an electronic fence after she caught wind of my endeavor to find a better owner via a Craigslist ad.

  90. How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

    [img]http://i48.tinypic.com/2qbg8x4.png[/img]

    • Albie Quirky says:

      Oh, I cannot believe that she was all six o’clock at the waterworks on the teevee. (I was watching on a 11″ tv in the office to spare my cathus the braying on the real tv, so I didn’t have that much detail WHICH WAS FINE).

      See, if I were going to be on a reality show (it is to laugh, nobody wants to see “Cranky Middle Aged Invalid Snarks, Takes Pills”) I would go to a stylist and get their advice on what to wear on the teevee and then take it. Certainly “wash my hair” and “wear clothing that fits properly” would be high on my list. As they are in everyday life, despite being cranky middle-aged invalid.

      • Ca Ca Nails says:

        Holy Mother of Moo, WHY on God’s green earth would you wear pants on national television that can’t close and then–just in case someone might have labored under the misconception that they were alright–point out in your blog that they were ill-fitting and draw attention to them? I wouldn’t have noticed if not for her blog and the screengrab.

        I mean, full disclosure, I have a pair of sort of thin, stretchy trouser jeans where the zipper just refuses to stay all the way up at the top, but 1) they were like tripple clearanced and 15 bucks at the GAP and 2) no way in hell would I wear them anywhere important or with a shirt that doesn’t go all the way over the fly; and I KNOW they don’t fit perfectly–it was definitely one of those ” eh, I’ll live with it because otherwise they’re cute” types of purchases. Stacy London would weep, but so be it.

        I would NEVER wear them on TV. You don’t wear jeans like that on TV, Julie!!

  91. Donkey Expertin says:

    Professional Donkey Analysis By My Huscat While I Forced Him To Watch The Shit Show Last Night:

    “She has a good body, but something’s wrong with her face. She just looks like she’s had too much plastic surgery. Her cheeks are weird. And her lips. And her nose. And her eyes. She’s like one step away from being that cat lady person [Jocelyn Wildenstein]. And yes, she’s horribly annoying.”

    So there you have it, Donks! I agree with him – you have a cute bod that you put through the mental ringer. Feel free to relax about it and instead focus on freeing yourself from Dr. Bobby’s needle. Also: see a real therapist.

    • There is a Situation on Your Face Girl (and some fug on your feet) says:

      I kinda got rung.

    • Albie Quirky says:

      She’s OBO-ing her own body. Instead of saying “I have a strong, sturdy body with a generous ass that I’m going to live in and own and rock and dress flatteringly” she lives as though her imaginary willowy fashion-model body is just around the corner, and she’s bought the wardrobe in advance.

    • Rose says:

      Mine said, “She looks like Rachael Ray…and that’s not a compliment.”

  92. Cut. Don't use that. says:

    I just can’t believe she begged for a kiss again. I also can’t believe I have to actually watch this show through my fingers with my hands over my eyes. Literally. It causes that much of a negative reaction.

    But seriously, she’s either doing a bit, a scripted routine her producers thought would work…OR SHE IS RETARDED. I’m quite convinced homegirl has some major cognitive impairments. When she introduces herself to people there’s the tone of a 12 year old girl which is so unnerving coming out of that body. She’s most certainly touched in the head.

    • Malformed Face (Like a Bloated Deli Ham Left in a Hot Mercedes C Class) says:

      “…OR SHE IS RETARDED. I’m quite convinced homegirl has some major cognitive impairments.”

      Oh, I definitely believe this. Just the fact that she is so delusional to think she comes off great last night… and that this show is the culmination of so much hard work and it’s going to make her star — just makes me think she is mentally off. I’m not sure what other way to put it.

      She is not one with reality.

    • Fameless Shamewhore says:

      Me too! The other episodes I watched with my teen kitten, and we kept stopping it to make jokes and gasp etc etc.

      Today I’m on my own (whole cat family off on holiday in London, I’ve got to stay behind and work – sob!) and, just like Cut. Don’t use that., I LITERALLY put my hands in front of my face and peeked through my fingers at times, at other times I just stopped it and went back to an email. I could not bring myself to watch it straight through, which was my plan, because it was that cringeworthy. Literally unwatchable.

  93. miss assvice says:

    [img]http://gickr.com/results3/anim_57232f05-5279-6684-8559-b992206ccc04.gif[/img]

  94. Fameless Shamewhore says:

    CUNTBunnies above noted the things Julia writes down at the witches: “She’s supposed to list things she wants to rid herself of, and here’s the first page:

    fear
    fear of not being unconditionally loved
    fear that I don’t deserve to meet someone I really (underlined TWICE so you know it’s important) want to be with
    fear that I’ll fuck any good…

    But did anyone else notice that above the first “fear” was the name Michael, underlined?

  95. Mad as a box of frogs says:

    Anyone know any links/sites where I can watch this in the UK? Thank you kindly

  96. miss assvice says:

    Even Lilly is in shock
    [img]http://i.imgur.com/uLURy.png[/img]

  97. C says:

    As we know this show is scripted, I think the hired dates are scripted to be ambivalent. That is the very premise of the show. What seems to work really well for this format is they don’t necessarily have to act.

  98. Imminent Meltdown says:

    “Yuck, please stay in LA,” Kevin Rose, an entrepreneur and venture capitalist, messaged his million-plus Twitter followers.

    Kevin Rose? Where have I heard that name before?

    ps Thanks for the link Flatface!
    Kitty me all you want CDB, it would be an honor.

    • MissAssvice says:

      Kevin Rose hooked up with donkey briefly. Florida and ice cream were shared. He has done a million times better since with his fiancé summer

  99. RachelD says:

    I am so axcited for Emy’s dayte with Lois?

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