Miss Advised Episode One Recap: Julia Allison Introduces Herself To A Nation By Offering Her Tits, Ass and Oral Sex, All Within A Span Of 43 Minutes

Last night, Ashley Tisdale unleashed The Donken on a completely uninterested nation with the premiere of Miss Advised. Billed (by me) as part gay recruitment film and part cautionary tale for injecting Land O’Lakes into your face, the show about three dating experts who just want some dick, damn it, was everything we had hoped it would be: a complete and total disappointment.Let’s get the other two out of the way first because OMGZZZZZZZZZZ.

Emily Morse, our radio sexpert in San Fransisco,  was struggling with changing her unwavering opinions about. . . oh I don’t know, something about monogamy, bisexual Jews and her brother. From I gather from not paying attention at all, because seriously, SO BORED, it was all very Flowers in the Attic. Apparently I missed something about cock rings because all I heard was. “Meep, meep, meep. Me-meep, meep. So lonely.” You’d think the mention of penis accessories would have piqued my pansy, but nope. Nothing.

Amy Laurent, our matchmaker in New York, seems innocuous enough. She seems so normal and grounded, and it’s very hard to invest an hour in mindless television viewing for someone who isn’t bat shit insane. The most I can muster about her is that she needs to rein in her Patti Stanger impersonation, because Bravo’s already got a “My Way Or The Highway” matchmaker who suspects that every dude digs dick. (Amy, honey, I thought that dude was totally gay, too, because hello, cardigan! And I am totally available for dates.) Anyway, Amy’s schtick is something about being a Rules chick and how she can’t follow them in regards to her own love life. Apparently one her commandments is to never, ever go out to dinner with an ex, because it is completely impossible to have a mature break-up where you respect your significant other as a person and you part as friends. Nooooo, you have to cut them out of your life FOREVER. Duly noted. Anyway, Miss Do As I Say went to dinner with her ex-boyfriend, who, it should be noted, needs advice on facial proportions and eyewear, and it was all, “You hurt me, fucker,” and Amy wins an award for crying on this sad, sad show before Julia Allison and that’s all I got out of that.

But let’s get to why we’re really here, because great googly-moogly, the first episode was an eye-rolling display of bitch, please artifice. It really is all a blur, because the show was just a mish-mash of nothingness, so I’ll try to do my best.

The peripatetic hour began with a montage of our three career girls working it. There was Amy at her job pounding the pavement in New York giving us her very best Mary Tyler Moore. Emily was at her job doing her radio thing and SWEET MOTHER OF FUCK!

The eyes of every Ashley Tisdale fan girl and sad, obese catlady were blinded by a tangerine assault. Yes, because Julia Allison was not gainfully employed at the time of filming, editors reached all the way back to the aughts and pulled a clip of Julia’s Alexa Chung appearance on MTV. And let me just tell you it was. . . orange. They also threw up a couple of articles on screen, one from way back in 2008 and one that Julia didn’t even write.

So there, America, Julia Allison is a “dating columnist.” Just run with it.

During the opening montage, Julia took the skills she learned at the Barbizon School of Modeling and gave the best camera her best hair flip. Unfortunately, it did nothing to diffuse the horror of her unfortunate face.

Julia’s “storyline” is that she moved from Chicago, which kudos to her for actually being honest about that, to Los Angeles on a quest to find love and that she has a 73-point checklist of required characteristics in her forever imaginary husband (more on that later). So how do we start her story? By pretending that Julia had a “job” and an “office” to go to where she worked on what I venture to guess was a “dating column.” She clomps into her “place of employment” wearing what could only be described as a Joan Collins Snuggie (oh, how I wish I had a screenshot of it Thanks KashMoney!) looking like a drunk WASP-y matriarch to meet with her “editor” or “boss” or something.

You’d think she was visiting the Tribune Media Services office to put in her notice, but whoops! She was fired from that job before filming began. So they basically just had to make shit up.

Julia tells her fake-editor that she’s moving away to find love. And who was this mystery lady who needs a tutorial on highlighting her hair? Apparently she is Susanna Negovan, formally of Michigan Avenue, a free local society rag that ran a Julia-arranged titastic puff piece on the fantastic failure that was “Social Studies.”

The two dole out tired clichés about the LA dating scene, and Julia is all hopeful, and we’re all supposed to believe that this scene is not a complete contrivance because everything you see on television is true.

So Julia gives us some background on her and her quest to find love, and the entire thing is a fantastic display of legalese and pathological lies. She claims that she has had a column every year for ten years, which is a stretch, but I guess she can’t say, “Hello! I’m Julia Allison, and I am fantastically unemployable.” And right out of the gate she admits that she’s reviled and plays the victim. She says that she was voted the most hated person on the internet. (No, honey, you came in third.) Why is she so hated, according to Julia Allison? Apparently it’s because she yacked up her food in college. According to her, it’s her “honesty” about her (alleged) bulimia, which doesn’t even make sense. It all really is to vom. Let me be crystal clear, Donks. People don’t hate you because you write about your relationships and your family. People hate you because you are an asshole. In case, Julia doesn’t completely get it, here is a post Jacy wrote titled “Julie Albertson is a Complete Asshole.”

Anyway, Julia explains why she is moving to LA. And, no, it was not that she signed up for a Bravo reality show, and they were paying a portion of her rent. Apparently, the dating scene in Chicago is horrible, and every dude married really young so there are no available men in a city of millions. “Guys get married really young here, so I am either dating a 20-year-old or dating my dad.” Which, HELLO FREUD! Apparently it has nothing to do with the fact that Julia is a busted-faced asshole.

She also claims she has a 73-point checklist for the husband that will never materialize. Basically I can sum it up as such: Homeboy must worship and adore me and ignore the fact that I am an selfish, emasculating bitch. Boy, are there some gems. Apparently he must read The Atlantic, Fast Company, and Wired so she doesn’t have to pay for her own magazine subscriptions, and he must be a good photographer so he can take pictures of her forever and always. Oh, and he must love her unconditionally, because sooner or later, and my bets are on sooner, she’s going to be a complete and total asshole. And, finally, it’s not enough that he has to put up with her shit, his family has to adore her, too. Because, she mutters, “I’ve had some families that did not like me.” Hmmm, what makes her think that? Was it James Fay’s sister punching her in the face for stealing his credit card? The fact that one of your ex-boyfriend’s mother actively comments on your “hate site.” Or was it Cindy McCain’s icy bitch stare?

Speaking of the McCains, Julia would like America to know that she dated Jack McCain. And just to clarify, she means the son of the former presidential candidate, and in case you still don’t understand, here is a picture of Julia Allison with Jack, Cindy and John McCain, because goddamn it, the world most know about it.

The world must also know that she broke up with him and that they talked about marriage.

“My last relationship was pretty serious – I was dating Jack McCain, the son of the former presidential candidate. I thought he might be the one, we talked about marriage, and although I broke it off, I didn’t get out of bed for like three months.”

Yeah, no. He broke up with her when she broke into his email and his phone and subsequently had to kick her out of “the home they shared” because she wouldn’t leave. But, again, just run with it.

Anyway, Julia claims that despite being the one who threw Pancakes to the curb, she didn’t get out of bed for three months, which I guess explains the face. When you lie flat on your back for that long, you can expect things to settle in different places. I can only imagine the producers’ reaction to that little soundbite. “Bitch, you didn’t even get out of bed for filming!”

Moving on, Julia goes to her parent’s house to film a completely staged goodbye. The dearly departed Marilyn Baugher made an appearance, and I solemnly poured one out for Julia’s dead meemaw. Nutty Granny Moneybags proves to be completely awesome by bitching that Julia kept her family waiting all morning, and they all gather around the kitchen table to get this over with. Robin, who is simply gorgeous and lovely, looks at her cue card and gives us a lovely indication that she is just so over her daughter’s bullshit by asking, “So what’s the plan this time?” And Julia talks about I

her 73-point checklist like it’s something that a completely sane person would write up. Then things get creepy when Ol’Pettigrew says, “Well, I made a list of all the reasons men should and shouldn’t date you, but there were so many pros to outweigh the cons that I just threw the paper away.” And then America got uncomfortable, and we’re just going to pretend that that didn’t just happen. Then Julia jibber-jabbers and Marilyn pours on the awesome sauce by saying, “Men can smell desperation,” and I ask myself why Julia didn’t tattoo that piece of wisdom on her wrist. End scene.

After the commercial break, Julia arrives in Los Angeles, and the nation collectively eye-rolls when she quotes the homeless guy from Pretty Woman. Then she continues to throw out tired tropes about dating in LA. “I’m not that young anymore, and I don’t have fake boobs.” And then the audience asks, “Yeah, but what about your face?”

She bitches about moving and says she hopes to find her husband here, and I just laugh and laugh. There’s a requisite scene of Julia moving into Casa del Bray, featuring the movers she grifted into moving her shit for free. And we are finally introduced to Julia Price, who you will never, ever refer to as “JP” here, lest you want me to resurrect AK Kitty and bitch slap you across the internet. (Some of you would be into that.) Julia describes Flusher as both her “best friend” and her “sister,” so we know how that relationship will end.

Now that all that exposition is out of the way, we finally get to see Julia be a complete and total asshole in a completely contrived situation where she had complete control of her behavior and yet still acted like a complete and total asshole!

It’s a perfectly chill and laid back day in Julia’s new beach front condo. Flusher was looking effervescent and radiant in little make-up and casual, lounging-around-the-house clothes. And Julia? She enters the room in full spackle, her hair done up in a dancer’s bun and was wearing a cream dress that made her look like a hooker from Vulcan.

By now you know that the men Julia dates on this shitshow were found via a Craigslist ad put out by a casting agency, but let’s just pretend the following phone conversation is real, because it was real in Julia Allison’s head, and that is all that matters.

So apparently Julia has been flirting with some dude she met on Craigslist. “No, not that part of Craigslist,” she says, giving us one of many painfully rehearsed punchlines. His deal was that he was the landlord or something of one of the homes she looked at. He calls and says it’s “Craigslist Justin,” and Julia whips out her inner bitch and instructs him to never, ever call himself that, because only she’s allowed to give her dudes emasculating nicknames? He asks her out. She says yes, and Toilet Flusher pretends that this isn’t a completely made up situation and is all, “You met a guy already? You stupid slut!” Julia then does this genuinely frightening Slingblade yuck-yuck coy guffaw that will forever haunt my dreams.

Julia spouts off his credentials: Naval Academy, MBA, just like Jack McCain but with business sense. (Did you now that Julia dated OMGJackMcCain?) Then Julia Allison, 31 and perpetually single, criticized the dude for being 30 and single. She then says she’s rife with issues, to which I replied, “Then fucking do something about it, and go to fucking therapy, you lumpy fucktard!” Seriously, I just don’t get it. Julia seems to get that she is a complete and total asshole, and her solution? Be a complete and total asshole in front of a wider audience.

Next, Julia ensures that no man in America will ever find her attractive again by unpacking her 21 “tutus” and giving full force Baby Jane face.

Julia explains that tutus cover her butt because she totally has a Kim Kardashian butt going on, which editors later prove is not quite the case. And for a woman who is obsessed with tutus, she fails to grasp that none of those boner killers are actually tutus. They’re petticoats, which I guess makes more sense, because according to her face, Julia Allison is old enough to be a hooker from the Wild West. Flusher, meanwhile, stands in the closet doorway with a look of painful regret, probably thinking, “What the fuck did I sign up for? Buy my song on iTunes so I can get the fuck out of here.”

Finally it’s date time, and Julia is trying on her many, many blow job dresses until she settles on one, that as I said before makes it looks like her tits are competing in a race to her knees. Justin arrives, and Julia totally pulls that make-him-wait bullshit, and Donkey and J debate weather or not to answer the door. Do girls actually do that shit? Finally Julia answers the door, and immediately Justin starts saying, “SAG card. SAG card,” over and over again in his head.

Then finally, FINALLY we see what it’s like to go on a date with Julia Allison. There’s lot of playing with her hair, and she walks in her heels like a tranny who just bought herself her first size thirteens and, as expected, she is just a complete and total cunt.

 

Having decided that she’s already totally over it before her scallops arrive, she opens the dinner conversation with, “Why are we on this date?” Instead of replying with, “For the IMDB listing,” Justin says. . . well I don’t really know what he said because I am floored that she is being such an egotistical cunt on national television. After concluding that this fake relationship won’t work out, because, god damn it, she hasn’t hit rock bottom yet and there is still an opportunity to OBO, she invites him on a second date. TO MOVE HER BOXES. Yes, Julia decided she was just not that into him and still dangled her pussy in front of him in order to get her to do something for her.

“I would let him touch my boobs for moving my boxes.”

And there you go, America! Julia Allison says that sex is a transaction and nothing more. Men can start treating women like whores and women can start manipulating men with their pussy power. It’s totally healthy. Julia Allison says so.

I have to admit though, that her tits are a treat. They are perfectly symmetrical and all, UNLIKE HER FACE! And, funny, Jack McCain had to move her boxes too to get her fuck out of his house!

On Boxing Day, Julia is loafing around in her pink jammies looking not tiny and cute. The orange dye that is responsible for that hair was clearly freshly and poorly applied because it looked like it stained her hairline. Justin arrives “early,” which means he was probably right on time, and Julia has a donkey fit and rushes to put on the most titastic shirt she could find, because tits make men do things, remember? Flusher answers the door, and Mr. Casual Encounters curses God for sticking him with the much older, heftier roommate, before once again envisioning that SAG card and the promise of health insurance.

Justin brought over champagne and juice for mimosas, and Julia acts all put out because she is a gigantic bitch, and then there is the most glorious shot of her ass in all of it’s un-Kardashian glory. It was truly wonderful, and it made my night, and the editors of a certain reality show should soon be expecting a fruit basket.

Unindonktrinated viewers may have noticed a continuity error when Julia’s shirt changes from one shot to the next, but students of donkology know that this second date involved a costume change.

Once the boxes are moved, Justin is all, “Hey, this manual labor during a second date was fun and all, but how about we continue it over drinks at a bar like normal people?” And Julia totally blows him off. He leaves Julia, cutlets unfondled, and Julia calls him “busted.”

Honey.

The episode concludes with Julia reiterating that she is an exthpert thon dating, and heehaws about her 11th date rule, saying there was just no chemistry, because all the chemistry was injected in her face, and that Justin was the type of dude she would go on 11 dates were before giving him a gift he would inevitably wish he could return, date him for six months before breaking up with him (Ha!) and then cry about wasting six months of her life. Julia fails to mention that every man she has dated in recent years has run screaming into the night, but this is television, so you can conveniently ignore that. She then brays about how one should always break up in a classy manner, because you want that person to really respect you. And cut to. . .

. . . the most awkward and immature break up I have ever seen. It could have gone like this: “Hey, Justin, I need to apologize for being a total selfish bitch who used you because I refuse to do anything myself and don’t spend money on things like movers. I really should have been honest and open about not seeing a future with you after our first date, and I sincerely apologize for leading you on. Mistakes were made.” Instead it went something like this: “Um. . so. . . um. . you are so great and everything. . . but I. . . um. . . err. . .heehaw. . . don’t think this is going to work out, maybe we could be friends?” To which he basically replied, “Why the fuck would I want to be your friend, you manipulative bitch? You really need to look at yourself in a mirror. Clearly, you haven’t in a while.” You know, something like that, except he was all classy about it.

Julia then finishes things out by saying that West Coast Julia (Wud up? *Gang signs) will make smarter, more thoughtful choices when it comes to all things dating, which one can only surmise means that it will be lather, rinse and repeat until the end of time.

Coming up on this season of Miss Advised: Husband, husband, husband, husband, HUSBAND! Heehaw! Impotence epidemic in the greater Los Angeles area. Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

And that’s it. I am never doing this shit again. Feel free to criticize my grammar and spelling mistakes, because I have already given all the fucks I could possibly give to this horrific travesty.

Love and light, bitches. Love and mother fucking light!

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344 Responses to Miss Advised Episode One Recap: Julia Allison Introduces Herself To A Nation By Offering Her Tits, Ass and Oral Sex, All Within A Span Of 43 Minutes

  1. Circumstantial Celiac Sass says:

    Thank you. The huscat now finally gets JA. And he thinks you’re awesome.

    • Circumstantial Celiac Sass says:

      He just added, “Oh, God, what the fuck is wrong with her face?”

      Oh, young Padawan…

  2. Barking Mad says:

    JP, you are doing Greg’s work. <3

  3. Restylame says:

    I…this…I love you.

  4. juliaspublicist cried his rhinestone off juliaspublicist says:

    God, damn it! I just took a bunch of resplendent screen shots from iTunes AND NONE OF THEM CAME OUT!

  5. monster (Single and Mingle) says:

    for the Canadians! and all the ‘Stans:
    http://www.uploadc.com/y1x5cgmbgwlp/Miss.Advised.S01E01.Old.Flames.And.New.Beginnings.HDTV.x264-BRAVO.mp4.htm

    I actually am not even bothered to watch this. This recap was just so good. I just wanna see Robin DO HER THING.

  6. Julia's Crypt Keeper says:

    Poor JP, quick someone get him a drink

    • juliaspublicist cried his rhinestone off juliaspublicist says:

      Don’t you remember? I NEVER DRINK!

      • Canklehausen by Proxy says:

        It’s just a sip!

        • SchemeyNutButter says:

          Just the tip of a sip.
          And brillz, JP, though I agree you would be wise to not subject yourself to this level of parse again; who could recover? That one episode, paired with her 11-pg attempt to justify herself is enough to induce seizures.
          Maybe point form? (I kid, I kid.)

          • juliaspublicist cried his rhinestone off juliaspublicist says:

            God, and that 11-page treatise desperately needs parsing.

            I hate you fucking people. Momma needs to come home.

          • Prof. F Camping Prof. F Camping says:

            JP, i read the damn thing, but have no recollection of its contents. mostly lies, and a plea for the commenters to be nice, and behold, zero comments.

          • juliaspublicist cried his rhinestone off juliaspublicist says:

            Oh, sweetheart, I took notes! Seriously, that thing was better than the show. That post is coming tomorrow.

      • monster (Single and Mingle) says:

        [img]http://tmblr.co/ZjsrOxN0BaGk[/img]

      • monster (Single and Mingle) says:

        [img]http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m5bgbmOVba1ql5yr7o1_r1_400.gif[/img]

        • She's a cruel and strange bitch says:

          I really love Ramona sometimes… or maybe I just love lushes.

  7. K_Swizz says:

    I would really love to see someone ask one of the McCains about this at their next public appearance.

    “So Cindy, you’ve donated so much money to xyz charity, but let’s talk about that mental case that used to date your son.”

  8. Casa Del Sweden Is A City, Whatever, It's Miss Cast says:

    did you catch the eyeroll when she took the phone to get asked out?
    And the, “I have negative plans for Friday” or sat, or whenever.
    ‘Negative’? Paging Dr Freud.

    This girl needs to come out of the closet, stat.

  9. KashMoney says:

    Joan Collins snuggie
    [img]http://i47.tinypic.com/23k4x1e.jpg[/img]

  10. KashMoney says:

    [img]http://i45.tinypic.com/1zzqfig.jpg[/img]

    • KashMoney says:

      sorry, will make them smaller!

    • SchemeyNutButter says:

      The JABa quote in that article just effing kills me. Why shouldn’t her birthday party be sponsored? It’s not like she has a trust fund.
      WHAT ABOUT USING THE MONEY YOU EARNED YOURSELF AT A JOB? OR BY RUNNING A PROFITABLE BUSINESS?
      No, inconceivable to this creature, Me-Me McGrifterson, for all the girls.

      • Julie Boogers, Cuckoo in a Tutu says:

        …or go to dinner with your partner or a few friends like a normal grown woman instead of demanding everyone in your wake worship you for a day like a spoiled rotten 5 year old.

    • Donkey of Perdition says:

      She doesn’t even apologize but gives it a lol. \

      HAHAHAHA your work was mistaken for mine, LOL, I got credit for your hardwork, LOL, I saw the first episode months ago, wrote 11 pages of liveblogging covering the episode, but still failed to correct Bravo, HAHHAHAHA, haven’t you heard of the 4 hour work week? Its when you get other people to work for you! Calm down Kevin.

  11. sausage curls/fingers says:

    This is a thing of beauty

  12. KashMoney says:

    [img]http://i48.tinypic.com/2dw7qev.jpg[/img]

    • Malformed Face (Like a Bloated Deli Ham Left in a Hot Mercedes C Class) says:

      YIKES… OH, GIRL!!! NO!

  13. Joardache & the Pelts says:

    Bravo. Seriously.

  14. That was got damned brilliant.

  15. Sacred Scrapbooks says:

    Your best yet, JP. Brills.

  16. KashMoney says:

    [img]http://i46.tinypic.com/5pon61.jpg[/img]

  17. SchemeyNutButter says:

    [img]http://i45.tinypic.com/35a3gb4.png[/img]

  18. natasiarose says:

    I had no idea who Julia Allison was before I saw the show. In the previews, I thought she seemed pretty and a little nuts, in a harmless way. Now I can’t believe I ever thought she was attractive and I’m sooo addicted to this Rebloggingdonk. This lady is crazy! Didn’t Bravo learn anything from the Danielle Staub fiasco?

    • juliaspublicist cried his rhinestone off juliaspublicist says:

      Welcome!

    • Donkey of Perdition says:

      Yes, it got ratings.

    • JuLIAR Allison (will never the learn button) says:

      Oh lordy, so many of us have a similar story to tell. Then we discover the magnitude of her lies. Seriously, it’s all the time. She can’t not lie, or fabricate, or twist the truth somehow. But you’ll soon see this for yourself.

      Welcome. You are among friends here.

  19. Lady Donk Donk says:

    I’m tired for you.

  20. KashMoney says:

    [img]http://i46.tinypic.com/2dsigx0.jpg[/img]

    • The Final Rose says:

      Oh my God, her hands. Claws? Hooves? Holy shit.

    • Dr. Gary says:

      Why are her hands so large and puffy?? Why? WHY?? It looks like she’s got fake plastic oversized hands shoved into her sleeves. Like Kristen Wiig’s tiny hands character, but the opposite.

      Daddy, I know it must have been painful to write this recap, but it’s truly spectacular. Doing the Lord’s work, you are.

      • KashMoney says:

        [img]http://i45.tinypic.com/34jel4n.jpg[/img]

        • Dr. Gary says:

          YES.

          Pack your overnight bag, because I’m coming by later to pick you up. I hope you like Boone’s Farm, shag carpeting and a little Nugent on the stereo.

      • Tremendous Liar; Donkey Repugnant says:

        Wai? Perhaps because edema in the extremities is a symptom of laxative abuse? Ironically, her hands, arms, feet, and legs are most likely to look unhealthily enormous when she most wants to look goooood.

        Her hands look like inflated nitrile gloves, which don’t inflate all pretty like latex.

  21. KashMoney says:

    [img]http://i50.tinypic.com/2yy5lvq.jpg[/img]

    • Julia's Crypt Keeper says:

      sideburns ahoy!

    • Worthless Bag of Ho says:

      Her face! What in the fuck is wrong with her face??

      • Malformed Face (Like a Bloated Deli Ham Left in a Hot Mercedes C Class) says:

        It’s like I can’t stop being rung!!!!!!

      • Andy Wintour Hacks (up a hairball) says:

        Is it me, or does it look like she is also doing lip injections or implants in this photo? Not because of fullness, but because of the werd side curve that happens. Look at the upper right lip. That curve is usually only because of plumping.

        • Handbag Cohen Stuffed With Hair says:

          She’s been doing something narsty to her lips for years. They’re naturally (especially the top one) quite thin.

          There you go, Jabs! I said something nice: something about you is quite thin.

          • Tremendous Liar; Donkey Repugnant says:

            She doesn’t even get shoes for doing narsty things TO her lips :(

  22. KashMoney says:

    [img]http://i47.tinypic.com/4ly7a.jpg[/img]

  23. Dr. Fraud, MD says:

    Hoo-raw! Literary. Fucking. Masterpiece. Selah!

  24. KashMoney says:

    [img]http://i47.tinypic.com/1zq39dx.jpg[/img]

  25. KashMoney says:

    [img]http://i46.tinypic.com/294jgvb.jpg[/img]

    • Donkey of Perdition says:

      She looks like she got hit in the face with a basketball as a child.

      • donniedriveby says:

        More than one.

      • Tremendous Liar; Donkey Repugnant says:

        She also exhibits symptoms of Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy like football players and boxers get: difficulty controlling her emotions, especially anger, diminished reasoning capacity, poor impulse control, etc.

        Hopefully Drs Gary and FC can give second and third opinions, but my diagnosis is that she fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down before being used as a dribbling surface.

    • Dr. Gary says:

      Good LORD.

      Too much salt in her diet? Steroids? Bulimia? Scheme juices? Face attacked by a rabid pack of weasels?

    • Meow Mix says:

      I don’t know about you, but I ALWAYS wear fake eyelashes to a family breakfast.

      Ugh, I hate to say this, but I suspect the bloat-face is because she was vomming up every bite of binge for weeks before filming. Not to make light of a serious disease, etc. etc., but holy mother-fuck that is bulimia face if I’ve ever seen it.

      • Albie Quirky says:

        They’re extensions (a/k/a eyepelts) that stay in for weeks at a time. She was hyping this like it was the hottest shit ever instead of just shit.

        • Meow Mix says:

          Here on Long Island, ALL THE GIRLS (see what I did there?) get fake eyelashes for their weddings and a lot of them wear fake eyelashes out for a regular night at the bar/club. Not the type where you add a few individual lashes at the outside of your lash line, but full-on drag queen fake lash strips.

          Why anyone would want to look like they have dead spiders crawling on their eyeballs for any occasion, let alone their wedding, is beyond me.

      • juliaspublicist cried his rhinestone off juliaspublicist says:

        I am starting to think so too. The on-camera mention of bulimia was telling, to which I say, Julia, sweetheart, you seriously need help. I’m not joking when I say get a therapist.

        • Handbag Cohen Stuffed With Hair says:

          NO ONE is EVER joking about getting a therapist. My Greg, we try so hard to help her!

  26. Empty, Scheming Doll... says:

    Epic post…I bow down before your sheer and utter awesomeness!

  27. I’m getting some screamgrabs too, will upload in a bit … trying to power through this episode, but it’s so … **vomming commences** … Donkey is whore-id / horrid / hoard! (yeah, we know you’re here, MMBH, sit down)

    • juliaspublicist cried his rhinestone off juliaspublicist says:

      It should be noted that we have received numerous tips that formerly prominent characters in this donkudrama were holding premiere parties last night for the schadenfreude, which I can tell you is the best therapy for people suffering from debilitating PTSDonkey.

  28. KashMoney says:

    [img]http://i49.tinypic.com/34ifczl.jpg[/img]

    • Captcha tagged this alive and kicking
      [img]http://i50.tinypic.com/35mhymh.png[/img]
      I like to think of it as:
      “Window Window, on the wall,
      Who? is the Donkiest of them all?

      • Prof. F Camping Prof. F Camping says:

        more like who has the wonkiest curtains of all?
        also, i can see her “love of learning” is manifest in her overflowing bookshelf.

        • rld says:

          Great post JP. It feels like this recap was years in the making since the whole QOD debacle. But about the curtains, they are the cheapest shittiest off the rack curtains possible. She could have bought these from a supermarket. They don’t fit her window in any way. I don’t know how this keeps coming up but as an interior designer who specialises in window furnishings I have weighed in many times on this site about curtains. And those are the most cheap ass ugly shit you could use. Why?? And also, what was her rental agreement? Most leases require land lords to install window furnishings in fittting with the standards of the home. Why did she have to do this herself? Makes no sense, just like the doneky.

        • Tremendous Liar; Donkey Repugnant says:

          Donkchaknow she read ALL THE BOOKS when she was little, so reading now is superfluous?

      • Albie Quirky says:

        This outfit was the Baughliest of all to me for some reason. The Dishwashin’ Republicunt trenchdress with the giant orange bun broke my mind.

  29. KashMoney says:

    [img]http://i45.tinypic.com/jjb5mg.jpg[/img]

    • Psychotic Today says:

      If I walked into my living room and saw this thing standing in my living room I would run away screaming.

    • Tremendous Liar; Donkey Repugnant says:

      She looks like a ballerina! You know, one of those retired ones in her 60s boiling over with resentment for the younger generation of dancers. Which must be somewhat like what living in LA is like for Donkey.

  30. Prof. F Camping Prof. F Camping says:

    JP, stop editing the post and close it so I can add some tags! #missadvised #ad

    also, did we discuss this? a completely gratuitous shout-out to all the Meg(h)an(n)s.

    • SchemeyNutButter says:

      A calculated and deliberate display to “prove” she she still has a McCain on speed dial. Because 11 pages of justification weren’t enough to explain THAT gratuitous episode in last night’s thundercunt theatre.

    • juliaspublicist cried his rhinestone off juliaspublicist says:

      I’m out.

  31. SchemeyNutButter says:

    [img]http://i49.tinypic.com/2a7ecrq.png[/img]

  32. KashMoney says:

    [img]http://i48.tinypic.com/w1znsm.jpg[/img]

    • WHY? Is Donkey Demento still single?
      [img]http://i48.tinypic.com/apb9sw.png[/img]
      Captcha = pea brain (& it wasn’t looking @LillyDog!)

    • Bish(up) Desperate TuTu
      [img]http://i45.tinypic.com/fvi5gw.png[/img]

      • Psychotic Today says:

        Why is her face is fat?? I have a very round face and do not look like this in pictures. Her face looks too fat to belong to her neck. I’m mystified. I should be in bed right now instead I’m creepily looking at this picture trying to make sense of it all.

        • Meow Mix says:

          This is the scene where the camera kept going back between her and Toilet Julia and it was *shocking* how much prettier TJ was than Julia. In photos JA posts I’m always like, “Meh, TJ is cute, at least cuter than Julia.” But on camera, TJ looks GORGEOUS and JA looks like a creature from the blue lagoon.

        • Albie Quirky says:

          Her parotid glands are swollen to fuck from the showervomming. She’s got a size 18 face going on her size 8 body, not a good look.

          • Sake Bombardier says:

            I’m a size 16 with a round face but good grief I still have face bones showing up.

          • Albie Quirky says:

            No slight intended against the beautiful size 18 ladies of the world, just trying to quantify the variation. I seriously know people taking 30 mg of prednisone per day who have less of a moon face than this.

          • Frequent Liar Miles says:

            Totally what I thought: steroids face.

  33. CaptainGary says:

    This. Is. Terrible. But I’m letting it unfold.

  34. lurker says:

    Hilarious recap. Although I’m pretty sure her dad’s list of pluses and minuses was actually about her mom, back when they were dating. So, less creepy and more cute.

    35 minutes into my DVR’d recording my thoughts are:

    1. Emily’s scenes are so boring. Blah blah you talk explicitly about sex blah blah you’re Samantha Jones we get it. Might have been shocking in the 90s but not now.
    2. Amy’s scenes are cringe-worthy but she comes across nice and normal and the kind of person I would actually be friends with if I knew her in real life.
    3. Julia’s scenes are more watchable than I expected. Her face is busted and she says a bunch of ridiculous things, as is well documented here, but her voice is less bray-y than I expected and at least in the family scene she didn’t talk over people much. She was probably on her best behavior for the first ep though.
    4. Toilet Julia is gorgeous
    5. Toilet Julia seems to be not that into Donk. So far her scenes consist mostly of skeptical facial expressions and she seemed pretty pissed that Donk gave that guy their address. I predict that this sister too will bail once Donk can no longer give her vehicle to promote her “career.”

    • Albie Quirky says:

      Agree that TJ is telegenic, and her scornface seems like a welcome touch of sanity. Of course we know she got into the folie a deux more later…

      • juliaspublicist cried his rhinestone off juliaspublicist says:

        I am loving TJ and her reactions. If only she pointed at things she would be the new Meghan Asha. (Aw, I kind of miss her.)

    • bitchface says:

      bitch needs to eat a sammich or fifty

  35. KashMoney says:

    [img]http://i50.tinypic.com/2vajhc9.jpg[/img]

  36. Meow Mix says:

    Sweet, wonderful, dearest JP… there are no words. I was shaking with laughter this whole post.

    I know that watching the whole hour of the Miss Advised shitshow plus writing this magnum opus was probably akin to having a Dementor suck out your soul, but I’m begging you to do this every week.

    • Meow Mix says:

      Also: the picture JP posted of Toilet Julia looking pretty while Monster Julia’s face hovers in the foreground? In that image, from that angle, Julia Allison looks EXACTLY like my 60 year old, personality-disordered, obese, shut-in mother. Exactly. I had a little bit of a panic attack when I first saw the picture. Eeeeeeeeeek!

  37. I freaking L.O.V.E. Captcha! :-)
    MINE: “What’s up, Butter(face)Cup”
    [img]http://i50.tinypic.com/5ph2zc.png[/img]
    CAPTCHA: “ups a daisy”

  38. Jack (The #1 Hated Person on the Internet Because I Confessed to Having Had Acne as a Teenager) says:

    An elder statesman who knows little of Julia Allison writes me his thoughts about Miss Advised. I think this is wonderful!

    I guess all the facial tampering may be the reason she seems to have no expressions on her face.

    When I was a kid there was a short lived horror/fantasy show on, sorta like TWILIGHT ZONE, but done on video tape and hosted by Roald Dahl who also wrote the scripts. It was called WAY OUT. One of the episodes involved a photographer who created a method of making himself look younger by touching up pictures. He was in the process of making himself look younger when his wife (who he was making look older and he was abandoning for a younger woman) came into room and poured the touch up solution on the photograph. When he turned around, most of his features were erased. Here is a still from the show:

    http://fuckyeahroalddahl.tumblr.com/post/192747870/drakecaperton-way-out-soft-focus-1961-this

    I remember this absolutely freaked me out (I was round six or so) and the image stuck with me for decades. (And interesting, looking this up, the series is now available online… I need to sample).

    I bring up this digression as it does remind me of La Julia and her ilk, carelessly erasing their faces and personalities.

    • Handbag Cohen Stuffed With Hair says:

      Superb.

    • stalker is the new fat says:

      Roald Dahl wrote the story about the wife killing her husband with a frozen roast and then cooking and serving the roast to the police investigating the death.

      ~master~

      • Handbag Cohen Stuffed With Hair says:

        The one from Alfred Hitchcock Presents?!? It was a leg of lamb, I think, and gigantic, like from Chernobyl livestock. If that is the episode I’m thinking of, Barbara Bel Geddes played the wife and she was spectacular.

        • Jack (The #1 Hated Person on the Internet Because I Confessed to Having Had Acne as a Teenager) says:

          It was indeed Bel Geddes playing a put upon wife who kills her callous policeman hubby with a leg of lamb and blames it on intruders, which the investigating officers buy. Oh, Hitch loathed the police!

          • stalker is the new fat says:

            I have not seen that episode, my erudite friends, only read the story.

            But man those creepy tv shows used to scare the shit out of me. The one show that did the Stephen King story about the boy trapped in the house with his dying grandmother? TERRIFED.

  39. KashMoney says:

    [img]http://i46.tinypic.com/wtwzh0.jpg[/img]

  40. Let’s talk about these filthy hooves, shall we?
    [img]http://i48.tinypic.com/11ihgg4.png[/img]
    (I’m about to wet my pants! Captcha = baby steps)

  41. Dyspeptic says:

    Please come down to the end of the thread and read this , JP, because it is one of the funniest fucking things you have ever written. If you don’t do ALL THE RECAPS for ALL THE CATPEEPS I will sob, and sob and sob.

    • juliaspublicist cried his rhinestone off juliaspublicist says:

      I think if I continue to do this it will be screencaps with captions or something, because, my god, I would be in the fetal position right now after parsing this shit if I weren’t so fat.

  42. KashMoney says:

    [img]http://i45.tinypic.com/1fa3h4.jpg[/img]

  43. KashMoney says:

    [img]http://i49.tinypic.com/6pw5rl.jpg[/img]

  44. Heehaw Horrorshow says:

    Longtime lurker/jealous hater/so fat so sorry subterranean catlady with a special request for screengrabs of FP’s “bsh plz” and “ewww” and “oh fuck me what did I just move in with” faces. They were my favorite part of this whole shit show.

    PS I can’t the code but here’s an attempt at an offering from me to y’all. Mwah!

  45. sausage curls/fingers says:

    All I’m reading here is that you guys just don’t like bulimics. SOOO mean.

    • Albie Quirky says:

      That actually is a prejudice I have, though ordinarily I try not to be a jerk about it. Anorexics and bulimics hate each other in ED units. It’s seriously like the Sharks and the Jets except with situps instead of dancing.

      I am fairly ashamed to say that even after 30+ years in recovery, that underground river of scorn was tapped by Julie Albertson’s demented antics, and the irrational grrrr came flooding back.

      My apologies to any catpeeps who may have experienced bulimia, because it’s a challenging illness and I wish you solid recovery and health. I am sorry that my distaste for JABberballz brings out my inner mean girl on this issue!

      • The Cabinet of Dr. Bobby says:

        Albie, what is it you don’t like about bulimics? Or what were the rivalries like? I’m curious as someone who used to be OMGbulimic for about a year as a teenager, but outgrew it (thankfully, obviously some people are not so lucky.)

      • Handbag Cohen Stuffed With Hair says:

        You are the most interesting person, Albie. If you want to come visit today, I’m making peach-honey popsicles.

      • This is SO true. I have this awful instinct when talking about my eating disorder of saying “I wasn’t bulemic or anything!” as a result of this divide. Anorexics are considered the top of the hierarchy. It’s lame, but it seeps in. Sorry.

    • ED’s make me really sad for people going through that, but I’m not pooh-poohing them in general when I give Donkey shit about that one of m,any, many things she is less than truthful about, because she co-opted an illness (Celiac’s) to drive her agenda(s).

      Said in the nicest way I can: Don’t internalize what’s said here as anyone’s blanket assessment of people & situations, cuz up in here, it’s really just about one particular scheme-juice sipping & emitting lying sack of shit.

  46. KashMoney says:

    [img]http://i47.tinypic.com/oupbbn.jpg[/img]

    • Dr. Gary says:

      Holy shit.

    • RollsRoyceRevenge says:

      Anyone getting a John Currin vibe from this image? I’m thinking “Park City Grill”, etc.

      http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lw4doqk4MR1qdli79o1_500.jpg

      Satirical nastiness about overheated, over-moneied, under-intellectualized types (as opposed to his ‘chicks with really huge tits’ schtick).

      It really is almost painterly.

      • Sacred Scrapbooks says:

        More like a Modigliani and George Grosz mash-up.

        • RollsRoyceRevenge says:

          I see Grosz, but think Modigliani never judged his sitters (or caught them judging others). Cranach, yes (think of the Legend of Paris). Possibly Schiele. But not Modigliani, in my opinion.

          There is something at once elegant and overripe about this image.

          • Sacred Scrapbooks says:

            [img]http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-a6vTQE2-_fU/TavVbq0292I/AAAAAAAAFLY/YQeUNKy1wW4/s1600/Amedeo-Modigliani-Jeanne-Hebuterne-101275.jpg[/img]

            http://spaightwoodgalleries.com/Media/Grosz/Grosz_Studie_53.jpg

          • Sacred Scrapbooks says:

            [img]http://spaightwoodgalleries.com/Media/Grosz/Grosz_Studie_53.jpg[/img]

          • RollsRoyceRevenge says:

            Ah, but my dear SS, you are fixing on externalities. Look at how tenderly Modigliani has drawn the subject of his portrait; also, the note of abject human sympathy for weariness with which Grosz invests his battered doxy.

            Dr. Gary, below, has come much closer – aridity and emotional impotence are the real subject here.

            Jeebus Kristos, I am a pretentious twat. In related news I have been drinking heavily, listening to Cherubini’s Requiem in C Minor and crying my eyes out all fucking night.

          • stalker is the new fat says:

            To get a little more lowbrow I am reminded of the drawings in the “Harriet the Spy” books, particularly The Long Secret.

          • RollsRoyceRevenge says:

            I LOVE those illustrations and I love that/those book/s.

    • Poster girls for InternetSushi InternetPropecia, yes?

    • Dr. Gary says:

      I am reminded of Ingmar Berman’s ‘Persona’

      [img]http://i49.tinypic.com/vfgwpf.jpg[/img]

  47. “Not *that* portion of Craigslist!”
    [img]http://i48.tinypic.com/2iuajpw.png[/img]
    CAPTCHA = labour of love
    You hear that, Donkey? L.O.V.E !!!

  48. CaptainGary says:

    Finally settling in to watch this crap factory for the first time, and have formulated these early thoughts:
    — Amy has the most annoying voice I’ve ever heard outside of a Rush song.
    — Emily is…kind of sexy. I’m sorry, but that voice can grate my cheese any day (sorry, dearest catwife)!
    — HER FACE! MY GOD, WHY IS THAT DISCOLORED BASEBALL MITT SO PLEASED WITH ITSELF?
    — Her family is either really over her or does a really good job of pretending they’re really over her.
    — She’s trying really, really hard to be likable. It’s not working – apparently, her manual on human behavior she received during Just Short of Being Human Training is missing a few pages.
    — Hearing her talk about Jack McCain just warms my fat-encased heart. Those were good times, people. I think a) I heard the McCains cringe during that part; b) Julia was MORE than happy to provide Bravo with THAT photo; and c) she’s absolutely batshit crazy if she really believes they talked about marriage. It probably went something like this: “JACK JACK JACK DO YOU LIKE MARRIAGE?? DO YOU????” And he was all like “Uh….what happened to all my yogurt singles?”
    — She is a non-stop liar. And man, did she grift that moving company good! Take that, small businesses!

    I might have more thoughts later. As it stands, I think that this is better than I thought – from a hater POV – and that this poor show is not long for this world.

    • Dyspeptic says:

      My favorite line in this, goes in the Ineffable Hall of Baugher Fame:

      “Her family is either really over her or does a really good job of pretending they’re really over her”.

    • G$'s Paddleboat to Hell - R.I.P says:

      YES ON THE AMY VOICE. YES. I grew up in Fairfield County, CT, and knew a lot of folks from Westchester – we called it the “Chappaqua ‘A’.” In practice, it denotes the “ahh” sound following any whiny-voiced statement, to wit: “Oh my goddddd-ahhh. I can’t even deal with thissss-ahh.” In theory, it’s for spoiled, bitchy princesses who think they’re too good for anything, and jesus GOD does it make me angry.

    • This is the BEST.

      Highlights:

      – “Why is this baseball mitt so pleased with herself?”
      – “Just Short Of Being Human training”
      – “what happened to all my yogurt singles?”

    • AFGHANI says:

      Re: your last point… that trucking company is apparently run by a bunch of morons, so I don’t feel that bad for them. Here’s the twitter stream of the moronic guy that set up the Julia Allison moving “deal”

      http://twitter.com/tbanion24

      MORON.

  49. Donkey Ho-Tay says:

    Brilliant post as usual, JP. Although I was horrified by just how shitty of person Julia is even when she can control it, know what bugged me the most?

    Those horrible fake lashes. I’ve seen girls who rock fake lashes to the gym and I roll my eyes, but even they look more natural than our Donk. The lashes look so heavy that they make me wonder if that has anything to do with how droopy-eyed she is these days.

    • Wife Branding says:

      Yes — for me it is the lashes. Looks like small animals are stuck there flapping around. I cannot take it, so drag queen.

  50. “Mulia Through The Drinking Glass”
    [img]http://i47.tinypic.com/24pxkqt.png[/img]
    CAPTCHA = HAVE AN INKLING
    (& then spreadsheet that inkling shit)

  51. SAVE LILLY!!!
    [img]http://i49.tinypic.com/1418ln9.png[/img]
    CAPTCHA = sorry sight (site / cite) :-(

    • Dr. Gary says:

      Didn’t it look like she threw Lilly to the ground? Or am I imagining that?

      • I couldn’t rewind to the exact spot of what I saw the first time, but it seems like she just* didn’t have a proper hold when she had @LillyDog too high off the ground & then gravity did its thang …

        *“just” being fucking subjective, because why couldn’t she have taken steps to keep @LillyDog safer, as in having her in a carrier in the car? Makes me nuts that people don’t keep in mind that unrestrained animals, like unrestrained children, can & do become flying projectiles during an MVA.

      • *fist shakes* says:

        My impression was that she let go of Lily way too high up.
        Lily is a little dog that runs funny. Let her down nicely. :(

  52. juliaspublicist cried his rhinestone off juliaspublicist says:

    So, I finally read her Elle column. It was probably the best article that included her name in the byline. (Notice I didn’t say write, because clearly there is an Elle editor out there who turned to alcohol to cope with her first draft and is now being treated for alcohol poisoning.) My favorite part?

    So I’m transforming myself into a “guinea pig of love,” meeting with unconventional experts and delving deep into my psyche to take a look at what toxic patterns I may have unconsciously been replicating in my love life. I’ll talk to a tarot card reader, work with a love coach, visit witches, attend a pleasure workshop, and sit down with a mind architect, all to see whether I can actually move toward the thing I want most in this world: love.

    Pleasure workshop?

  53. bitchface says:

    JP if you never wrote again, that would be understood. Perfect.

    You are doing Greg’s work, my son. Namaste.

  54. “I had two fingers for dessert & saved room for cupcakes”
    [img]http://i49.tinypic.com/o0v0j9.png[/img]

  55. [img]http://i47.tinypic.com/2it7r5.png[/img]
    Donkey, it’s growing exponentially because YOU LIE!

  56. She's a cruel and strange bitch says:

    So after watching the episode (yeah, I said I wasn’t, but I couldn’t resist):
    – I still really like Emily, she reminds me of women I know who don’t really want to get married and have just one partner for the rest of their lives, but are also afraid of being alone when their 70 so they keep chasing the perfect relationship that they don’t really want. Also, she’s clearly just doing this show to promote her book so … good for her, I guess.
    – Amy is really pretty and after listening to her for awhile I think it’s not the tone of her voice that’s so annoying, but the cadence. Like the kind of sing-songy way she talks. Can people change that? She should try because she seems like a really great girl otherwise. She also reminds me of women I know who believe in The Rules, but can’t make The Rules work in real life, but think that if they could just make The Rules work then they’d have the perfect relationship so they write off all past relationship failures to not having followed The Rules. It’s a vicious circle.
    – Donkey is a hose beast who should not be allowed to interact with normal humans. I loved seeing the people who seem to be her biggest abettors (Momser, Toilet J) noticing how insane she acts.

    It was all worth it for the unedited shots of Julia’s ass. That’s your wide, flat ass on TV, Julia! Kisses, Bunny.

    • She's a cruel and strange bitch says:

      I meant “cycle” not “circle” regardless Donkey is still a hosebeast.

  57. Nicole says:

    OK fatties, explain something to me.

    Julia is NOT fat. In fact, I think she has a cute figure…minus the cantaloupe calves. Now, why does her face look like that? Seriously. That’s not an Adderall/Coke face. And her man hands…so puffy. What gives? In an earlier thread I suggested she needs a diuretic…to flush all that bloat away. Look at the photo of her and toilet Julia. Look at that fat, bloated profile! I just don’t understand how lack of sleep can do that to a girl.

    • Andy Wintour Hacks (up a hairball) says:

      Bulimia? Face tends to bloat from it.

      For the record, I don’t hate her for being bulimic, I hate her for being a sociopathic narcissist. Glad that’s cleared up and in writing.

    • I don’t know about diuretics truly removing bloat, but to drink lots of water, contrary to some people’s perception, rather than retaining it, it flushes our system. If / when your urine runs clear, you can assume that you are properly hydrated. If someone is sedentary like she seems to be, yeah, excess fluid gets down in the furthest of extremities & w/ no movement, the lymphatic system isn’t moving the sludge up & out.

      Please be careful about promoting diuretics — there are better remedies. :-)

      • Nicole says:

        Oh I wasn’t promoting diuretics. I remember a few years back I had high blood pressure…and my face looked puffy. The doctor put me on lisinopril, and a few weeks later my face was back to normal. So, I was just wondering.

  58. Ever on-target Captcha said: ‘been there‘, so okay, I can say this w/ impunity, cuz I’ve ‘been there & done that’ already. You know how when we age, it starts showing when our colored features get more bland, like eyebrows fading, hair greying, upper lip diminishing, eyelashes thinning, all that stuff that ceases to ‘pop’ in our appearance …

    Donkey shouldn’t be there this soon, but, she is driving the crazy-train to premature aging like it’s the Concorde & she can’t get there fast enough …
    [img]http://i50.tinypic.com/33ykf1j.png[/img]

    • Dr. Gary says:

      It’s called karma. And it’s all over her face.

      That is not the face of a happy and healthy person. More like the face of someone filled with rage, jealousy and bitterness.

      • Andy Wintour Hacks (up a hairball) says:

        That face is filled with many more things than that.

        • Dr. Gary says:

          Scheme juices, screeching weasels, stick glue, Jordan’s tiara, BPC, A/X gift cards, the keys to her ex-boyfriend’s NYC Gramercy apartment, CDB’s reimbursement check, leftover Burning Man costumes, Lasagna’s hopes and dreams, her college boyfriend’s Amex bill, Lilly’s quiet desperation and a copy of NGMB’s Last Will and Testament.

  59. juliaspublicist cried his rhinestone off juliaspublicist says:

    And now I have caught up on the TV Gasm recap (following this show is work!) and it is a work of pure brilliance. It’s amazing that people who have no idea who Julia Allison is are saying the same things after one episode that we have been saying for years.

    Worth noting: Julia’s last relationship was with John McCain’s son, Jack. She claims she broke it off but I’m sure Papa John didn’t approve for political reasons. Julia does not seem like someone you could bring to the roller derby, let alone a Republican fundraiser. Anyway, before Julia leaves, Grandma offers one last piece of prescient advice: men can smell desperation. A taxi shows up, and I am not exaggerating at all when I say no one seems remotely sad this girl is moving 1000+ miles away. They’re all basically like, peace. The grandma didn’t even bother to come outside. As the episode unfolds, we totally come to understand why.

    I want to hug that author, and tell her that everything will be ok.

    • Dr. Gary says:

      The TVGasm piece was especially good. I hope the author finds their way to the basement.

  60. miss assvice says:

    [img]http://gickr.com/results3/anim_a87cc22d-d6a3-3ca4-41ac-4e664dc62105.gif[/img]

  61. miss assvice says:

    [img]http://gickr.com/results3/anim_261a69d1-bd6c-0584-6dc4-a2c921507e03.gif[/img]

  62. Huntingmantonz Dizeaze?
    [img]http://i46.tinypic.com/2qar7fl.png[/img]
    CAPTCHA = it will pass (like a kidney stone?)

    • Malformed Face (Like a Bloated Deli Ham Left in a Hot Mercedes C Class) says:

      LOOK AT THOSE CHINS!!!!

      SO MANY CHINS…. AND NECKS!!!! OH, GURL!

      • cola champagne says:

        It must be all the crash dieting right? Also, the only muscles she has that are visible are in her calves. If she is always crash dieting, her weight is going to fluctuate wildly because she doesn’t have muscle tone. Am I right?

  63. neverbotoxed says:

    I don’t understand her hands….

    [img]http://i.imgur.com/CT5NO.jpg[/img]

  64. Can-Swiss says:

    Excellent work JP!

    The show was a total bore. Emily was annoying and I was over her storyline about 5 minutes in. Amy was less bitchy than I thought she was and I actually kind of feel bad for her. The way she speaks is really irritating, is it a regional accent of some sort?

    Julia… wow. The only reason this show might last longer than 2 episodes is our Donkey. What a fucking freak show. This is just episode #1. Considering tipsters say we need to “wait and see as she lets her guard down” I can’t imagine how bad it’s going to get. Because she was trying SOO HARD to be liked and she came across as a nutty asshole.

    I sadly think we might not get to see all the episodes of Miss Advised though. Next week I will fast forward any part other than JABs because the other two are so boring.

    Also her face is even worse than I thought it would be. I she looked bad in many of the photos we’ve been seeing for awhile, but having the camera shoot her under normal light from different angles… wow.

    You know the badguy from the first Men in Black movie, where the bug-alien thing goes inside the skin of the farmer… that’s what Julia looks like. Like some alien thing is now living inside a Julia Allison from 2007 costume. So it’s bloated, lumpy and “just not right” in so many ways. Yet still her.

  65. Fameless Shamewhore says:

    Thank you so much, JP, for a fantastic recap.

    May I make a special request: would it be too much work to have a post that linked to all the reviews of Miss Advised that various catpeeps have found? I’ve been scrolling through the comments to find them; but it would be handy to have them all in one place. Thanks! You’re doing Greg’s work.

  66. burning pelts says:

    Just spend 43 minutes of my errand running day watching this. I am in awe. I hope this show won’t be sacked. I hope it will get a second and a third and a fourth season, because goodness gracious, these women need to be on the teeveees. And no, I don’t think they will find husbands. What are these mythical creatures they’re looking for, anyway? They behaved like a bunch of teenagers. Terrible, terrible, terrible.

    Julsies comes across so much worse than I ever thought she could, and she looks horrific. I thought we were all getting a bit too excited about photos of her taken in crap lighting in recent months, but seeing her in motion made me wonder: WHAT HAS SHE DONE TO HER FACE? (I know it. And boy is that ever a motivation to not get fillers, ever.)

  67. Restylame says:

    Finally bit the bullet and watched this shitshow.

    Well. Julia, Julia.

    1. Her FACE. I know this has been talked into the ground, but I can’t believe that just a few years ago, I thought this girl was enviably pretty. Isn’t that how many of us were pulled in, back then? Who was this cute girl with this seemingly enviable life? Oh, wait — she’s an asshole. And then, of course, Baugher/Reblogging Julia came along, then the various iterations of RBNS, and oh, OH, how the heavens ~sang~.

    2. Like many cat ladies, I cannot watch this woman for more than 20 seconds online. Thankfully, I can deal with her segments on this show. That being said, her overly affected facial expressions/manner of speaking SLAY me. Julia, ur not fooling anybunny.

    3. Robin is gorgeous and just glows, and I agree that P-Baugh’s comment about the list was directed at Robin and not Julia. Makes more sense when you see Robin say, “I made a list too ;).” I thought it was sweet, actually, seeing Julia’s dad look at her mom like that. Made me forget about the cease-and-desist nonsense for a second.

    4. Did we notice how Julia spoke to her grandma like she would a child? She was like, “Hi grandma… oh, ha ha… ha…” just like, brushing her off and not genuinely listening to her? I don’t know how to explain it, but I didn’t see the warm, close relationship that we’ve heard about for years. (Big surprise there.)

    5. The editors of this show HATE Julia. And they’re cat ladies. Note the “Party in the USA”-esque music that was playing when she got in the cab in LA. Remember JA tweeting that crap like a teenager when she moved? And how we mocked it?

    6. Toilet Julia hates Our Lady of Introspection. All of their segments are one giant “bitch plz” in response to a totally oblivious JA.

    7. bla bla bitch is tiresome.

    I like Emily. She’s a bit boring and I’m over her schtick, but I think she means well? And I really like Amy, mainly because my heart goes out to her in a lot of ways. She seems like a good person who’s had some genuine bad luck in love.

  68. Handbag Cohen Stuffed With Hair says:

    The thing I don’t understand about Emily, and I understand I might take some heat for this, is why would a grown woman want to talk about sex all the time? There are already a seemingly infinite number of such people, billions of books, Dr. Ruth, and oh, I don’t know, the porn industry. She acts as if she’s doing something really important and groundbreaking, but I think in truth she just wants to talk about sex all the time, specifically sex with her. This boggles my mind. I’m not saying this well at all. Sex with Emily? This is her vocation?

    • Preacher Jim says:

      Welcome to the End Times, brother or sister as the case may be!

      • Handbag Cohen Stuffed With Hair says:

        Time never stops ending, does it, Reverend?

        • Preacher Jim says:

          It seemed fairly endless during “Miss Ass-viced”, brother or sister as the case may be.

        • Reader Becky says:

          Blessings to you, Stalker. Now that Daddy has outed himself* as a Bravo Sin TV viewer, I will myself Admit that members of the Youth Group and I Watched as well. Kerri, Kimberly, Kaleigh, Kellie, Meghanne and I all found it Comforting that Julia has adopted a more Mid-Western look. Kaleigh was Very excited because she is pretty sure she saw that Hair Color on the clearance rack at Wal-Mart. Of course Dyeing your Hair is a Sin, so I do not endorse it, just as I don’t Endorse dating or Cats or Gospel music played with electronic Instruments.

          *I am told that this is called a Double Entendre, which is French and therefore extra Gay.

    • Can-Swiss says:

      I was bored hearing her talk about sex after 5 minutes. Nice to know she’s devoted herself to such a worthy cause/career.

    • Tremendous Liar; Donkey Repugnant says:

      This does nothing to answer your question, but in my limited experience, the more a lady publicly brays about provocative sex like Emily does, the less interest she has in actually having it.

      • Tremendous Liar; Donkey Repugnant says:

        My observation might begin to answer your question, though; perhaps Emily never tires of talking about it because other people’s relationship to it is an enduring mystery that she has never been able to grok.

        • Handbag Cohen Stuffed With Hair says:

          A very good point you make.

          • Breakfast Burro-ito says:

            Bargain basement psychology- for Emily, sex is a distraction from real emotional intimacy. Her free-wheeling sex-act is a cover for someone who feels like they can’t actually be loved past the first few sexy-times.

  69. Can-Swiss says:

    Alright, one last try:

    [img]http://i49.tinypic.com/2ajxf0j.jpg[/img]

  70. F. Scott Bitchgerald says:

    JULIA ALLISON: THROUGH THE YEARS. WARNING BABY PICS AND BLURRED OUT DOLLS THAT DIDN’T SIGN RELEASE FORM:

    http://www.bravotv.com/miss-advised/season-1/photos/photo-diaries/julia-allison-through-the-years#image-126450

    [img]http://www.bravotv.com/media/imagecache/photo-scaled/photos/missadvisedseason1galleryphotodiaryjulia07.jpg[/img]

    • cola champagne says:

      The whole thing is out of focus, so maybe she was moving the doll and that’s why it’s blurry?

    • BeepBeepBoopBeepBeep. I Am A Robot. says:

      I love that anyone that ever made the mistake of being close to her requested that their faces blurred out. Even the doll. So funny!

      • Get a Stylist-Your Dad Does Not Want Nut Butter says:

        Out out of the million photos she has of herself, she chose to include one of her w/ an ex in her Bravo slideshow. That is so beyond tacky.

  71. Total Jing says:

    What Missassvice has proven is that Julia is exactly like all the tips, and stories from people who’ve worked with her. To use that poor fella! Sickening. He seemed like a totally sweet dude. So you’re not interested in dating him? Have the courtesy to enjoy a nice dinner with someone. And the lip gloss WITH mirror (at least lose the compact!) mid dinner….in the words of Choire….Oh honey….

    FUCK her for abusing that dude to life up boxes.

  72. optimistic balloons says:

    i skipped morning sex today because i wanted to get work done. and then spent a good forty minutes enjoying all of this. it’s that good. thanks, jp

  73. mule on rouge says:

    JP, that recap left me gasping for air, it was so freakin’ funny!! Thank you, from the bottom of my shriveled heart. Please, for the sake of all that is unholy, please keep it up! Even if it’s just screencaps with captions, that would satisfy me. I promise, I’ll never ask you for another thing!

    A small bribe:

    [img]http://i45.tinypic.com/25fizy0.jpg[/img]

  74. Just Stop It says:

    Sorry if this has been posted up-thread, but the ratings are in… and MISS ADVISED didn’t even crack the cable top 100 for the night. OOOOOOOF. Could this thing be gone after one or two episodes?

    http://bravoratings.com/2012/06/19/bravo-ratings-monday-june-18th-2012-rhony-wwhl/#more-762

  75. I_am_Julias_raging_narcissistic_personality_disorder. says:

    Long, long, longtime reader, first time poster. The Bravo show is such an auspicious occasion that I finally broke down and made an account.

    My husband and I watched this and I wish I had gifs of his reaction faces.

    Hus: “So she has already decided this guy isn’t her cup of tea, but she needs help with her boxes. Guy brings OJ and champagne and she rolls her eyes; guy spends all day helping and she doesn’t even return the favor by taking him to dinner or something; she ‘breaks up’ with guy who wasn’t her boyfriend in the first place. Is that correct?”

    Me: “Uh huh. Also, she outed Jack McCain as her ex, said that they’d talked mariage, and lied about being the one that dumped him. She also said on her blog that she’d fucked her ex while he was with the woman who’s now his fiancee.”

    Hus: *stunned silence; drops phone*

    Me: “You get why she has hate sites now?”

    Hus: “I’d call her a cunt, but she lacks depth and warmth. Why do you make me watch Bravo?”

    • donkolnikov says:

      Seriously – when my boyfriend helped me move I surprised him with takeout, a card and a lot of gratitude. This guy was nice enough to help her out as a what, second date, and she can’t even get a drink (maybe even OMG PAY FOR IT FOR HIM!), relax and bullshit with him for an hour or two?

      • juliaspublicist cried his rhinestone off juliaspublicist says:

        Isn’t that the general rule for thanking the people for helping you move? Your provide food and alcohol.

        • CaptainGary says:

          As a veteran of many a move, I concur with this. At a bare minimum, you need to ply your charges with case beer and pizza, the quality of which is directly proportional to the number of armoires and sofas you expect your friends – or, in Julia’s case, people you hardly know – to lug on your behalf.

          Honestly, if I had been on the Justin end of this thing, I would have driven back, forced my way in and re-moved all that shit back to where it was on principle alone. You don’t fuck with people’s time like that.

          • CaptainGary says:

            Not that I ever WOULD have been on the Justin end of this thing – I wouldn’t have done that for the hottest girl alive, much less one with a serious case of BaboonAssFace.

  76. rankles the jankles says:

    A few things:

    1. Can someone explain the Thank Greg meme? I missed where that began.
    2. Why didn’t she wait oh, a day after he helped her move before dumping him? She just had to do it while he was still within a mile of her apartment?
    3. That face. HD + her lumpy, pasty face is doing no one any favors.

  77. Donkeycam now! says:

    Donks “walks in her heels like a tranny who just bought herself her first size thirteens”.

    Ha ha ha ha ha! Priceless!

  78. cola champagne says:

    So, Emily has more photos than Julia. 24. And I have to say, she is a beautiful girl, until she got her nose job and got way too skinny, I have to agree with her brother. Amy was also a stunner, until her boobs and head exploded.

  79. I'm guessing it's biology says:

    Merci, JP! Let her shine in all her monstrous glory!!!! And it ain’t biology…

  80. Breakfast Burro-ito says:

    Her face looks suffocated by her face. She is toxic.

    OT: my huscat introduced me to you shitheads. First comment, y’all!

  81. El says:

    This was hilarious and dead on. What I don’t understand is why is this Julia so hated? I’ve never even heard of her until the new BRAVO show Misadvised.

  82. Jackie says:

    I’m not a fan of her on the show. However, this site is so obsessive. There’s got to be something better to do with your time.

Comments are closed.