While You Were Out…

So a lot has happened since you fatties were away at summer weight-loss camp getting your basket weaving and experimenting with sex on. Most notably, as we discussed, the New York Observer snidely profiled our dear donkey, and the consensus is that the author of the piece, Daniel d’Addario, is a darling dear, despite calling us “unhinged.” The article has been discussed to death, but there are a few notable things to point out.

First being that Julia Allison hates Hates HATES her former sister Randi Zuckerberg, if you know enough to deduce this piece of bullshit of a quote:

“To be famous for no reason other than your ego is a fool’s game. If you want it for that reason, you will be miserable. It’s not of value in and of itself. It’s only of value if you do something like that. And I’m not saying ‘Go work for Charity Water!’ I hate fakeness. Maybe Charity Water is your thing. No bashing. It’s not mine. My thing is young women like me who had no self esteem.”

Oh, that is rich. For those that need a primer, Charity Water is a nonprofit that is dear to our Randi Zuckerberg, who Julia recently sold out to Gawker because ol’ Mellow Yellow Teeth’s husband put his foot down about having another senseless over-the-top bi-coastal birfday bash. But during Bi-Coastal Birthcray 1.0, Randi chose Charity Water as the charitable recipient of their vom-inducing display of narcissism. Now that Randi is not returning Julia’s calls anymore, our vindictive donkey is being vindictive by discreetly bashing Mark Zuckerberg’s sister in the press.

If she truly hated fakeness, as she said, Julia would quit with the feeble attempts at being coy and turn on her full-on bitch. Maybe I would respect her. (No, I wouldn’t.)

Meanwhile, Julia is setting out to rescue ALL THE GIRLS from their low self-esteem. How? I have no idea, but I guarantee you that we will never hear about this ever again. And all those girls who eat so they can feel will just have to get behind all those bully victims and wait patiently for Julia Allison to tell people that there needs to be a national conversation about something that is completely fucking stupid.

We also learned that Julia is “in the process” of shutting down her vanity business, NonSociety. I don’t understand how much of a process it is, because, look!

Failing at business is hard work, y’all!

Oh, and Julia thinks, for some reason, that she is a cross between Zooey Deschanel and that potato behind that shitty show that sets out to justify the shitty behavior of shitty 20-somethings, but only succeeds in making said shitty 20-somethings look even more shitty. Some of you might know it as Girls.

Asked to compare herself to reality stars of past vintage, Ms. Allison conflated fiction with reality: “People bring up [Real Housewives of New York star] Bethenny [Frankel] for three reasons. She tends to be quite frank, she tends to be intelligent and funny, and an entrepreneur. Honestly I don’t think I’m any of them. I’m much more spiritual, and much raunchier, and I’m a total geek. I love tech guys. I just want to roll around in Silicon Valley. I’m some bizarre combination. It’s not reality television I relate to but a combination of Zooey Deschanel on New Girl combined with Lena Dunham.”

Yeah, no, except for the shitty part. Julia Allison is indeed shitty. But if you really think about it, trying to smash together Zany Zooey and Lena Dunham would be like putting the opposite poles of a magnet next to each other.

All in all, Julia Allison, who expects people to love her unconditionally always, despite being a fake-ass asshole, was not pleased with her New York Observer profile, and let the writer and the world know it.

Dan D’Addario ‏@DPD: The Return of Julia Allison, in this week’s Observer: http://observer.com/2012/06/guess-whos-back-the-return-of-julia-allison/ CC @juliaallison

@DPD_ – Love how you quoted Choire – whom I don’t know at all – but not my roommate @JuliaPriceMusic, who shed light on who I actually am.

I had a dream that a NY publication would cut the tiresome snark for once. I was wrong. “The Return of Julia Allison” http://observer.com/2012/06/guess-whos-back-the-return-of-julia-allison/

I love how certain New York types describe leaving NY as “dying” & insinuate that anyone who would choose to opt out voluntarily = failure.

Christ, what an asshole, and all this came from just one news profile! What else has she been up to?

Well, Julia has been actively rejecting the unrelenting comparisons to a donkey by trying to associate herself with another animal: a bear.

Um, @CountessLuAnn, your son is a cutie pie. Am I attracted to a 15-year-old? This is disturbing.

Yes, Julia Allison publicly lusted after an underaged teenager while “live-tweeting” an episode of one of those Real Housewives shows, which should be noted she completely fucked up by live-tweeting at the incorrect time. I guess she needed some underage someone to make her tweeter quiver now that Justin Bieber is too old for our pedophile. I can’t believe I am typing this: Julia Allison is a pedophile who lusts after underage boys. That makes me sad. (Editors Note: Kidding?)

Finally, you know that column at Elle we have heard so much about, that column at Elle that has been as difficult to find as a real-life unicorn? Well it premieres next week, I assume, as it is not a dating column, but rather a recap of her horrible, horrible show, Bravo’s Miss Advised.

@JuliaAllison I can’t find you on http://Elle.com!

@TheKevsterFran – the columns don’t begin until the show begins. They are tied to each show. Make sense?

No, it really doesn’t. Because that sounds fucking stupid. I guess it wouldn’t be a Julia Allison column if it wasn’t all about her.

Oh, and Julia was thrilled that our technical difficulties seemingly killed us:

Take Kristen Bell’s “Xoxo, Gossip Girl” & Bruce Willis’ “Yipee ki yay, Motherfucker!” & Franken-mix them into “Xoxo, Motherfucker!” Please?

Sorry, bitch! We’re back!

 

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90 Responses to While You Were Out…

  1. Worrisome Pelts says:

    I love the smell of Julia Allison Baugher’s failure in the morning.

  2. Worthless Bag of Ho says:

    Aahh, I love you! This is beautiful!

  3. Malformed Face (Like a Bloated Deli Ham Left in a Hot Mercedes C Class) says:

    SERIOUSLY, THIS IS THE BEST POST EVAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

    Suck it, Donkey.

    Miss Advised #ad

  4. sausage curls/fingers says:

    Oh god, the second hand embarrassment from that comment. She really thought she had some guardian angel that was going to sponge all her misdeeds away just in time for her to become a star. Sorry, bunny!

    PS plagiarism, stole a grapefruit, tried to extort a Macbook Air from her ex, outed said ex’s bipolar disorder, harassed an ex’s fiance via e-mail, allowed Tucker Max within a foot of her, used a rape joke to make Tucker Max like her, used her mother’s rape to win an internet argument, made a Facebook photo album fuck journal, tried to embarrass her former friend’s husband, READS AND SUBMITS TO THE BULLYING SITE SHE TRIED TO SHUT DOWN #miss advised #ad

    • Malformed Face (Like a Bloated Deli Ham Left in a Hot Mercedes C Class) says:

      green skin tags, fired from every job she’s ever had, finger banged at Balthazar, outed a boyfriend’s name here by using his dead sister’s name as a user name, got Jack McCain drunk so she could snoop through his iPhone and email his exes, used a poor kid’s Dad for free moving services and promised to write about him and never did, Target gift card, Treseme gift card… (someone grab this ball and run with it…)

      • some catlady says:

        stole Jordan Reid’s tiara, said women have expiration dates, regifted coupons for ice cream, demanded and got incorrect “correction” from the New York Times, illegally abused interns, dressed in ironic American flag costume on 9/11 anniversary, bailed on Wounded Warriors benefit, didn’t hold up her end of Volvo shill

      • Stripper Shoes at Burning Man says:

        Wears pink, sausage pelts, stripper shoes (hi, me! i rang?) and tiaras in an effort to mimic femininity when there is nothing and no one less feminine on the planet. And that planet includes Cynthia Nixon’s wife and Rosie O’Donnell.

  5. Malformed Face (Like a Bloated Deli Ham Left in a Hot Mercedes C Class) says:

    Can we talk about transparent a Donkey is in mentioning she is just like Zooey Deschanel and Lena Dunham? Say wut? As you mention polar opposites, so I imagine Donkey’s lust for comparison is because IT’S WHAT ALL THE MAGAZINES AND ENTERTAINMENT SHOWS ARE TALKING ABOUT BUT DON’T YOU DARE IMPLY SHE WANTS TO BE FAMOUS youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu shitheadssssssssssssss!

  6. sausage curls/fingers says:

    Also she’s pretty bad at timing when it comes to live tweeting. She was too early when she did it for her grandmother’s death and now this.

  7. CaptainGary says:

    Catladies and brahs, this is slightly OT, but I feel that it’s somewhat timely – my grandfather passed away this Monday morning (he was 94, so it was a good, long life) and I couldn’t help but take some kind of umbrage at one of my cousins posting a photo on FB that was eerily similar to a certain hoof-holding photo that a certain horrible person posted not so long ago.

    Now, I’m not saying my cousin is a bad dude – a closeted gay man, sure, but a good guy – but it occurred to me that this is in fact the future of mourning. It’s not grief if it doesn’t garner public sympathy, am I right? And yes, I’m aware that I’m posting here, in a public forum about this, but it really never crossed my mind to say to all my FB friends (and I work in social media) “Hey, y’allz! My g-pizzle died! I feel bad! And feel bad for me! Kthxbai!”

    I guess what I’m saying is that as reprehensible as JA was for doing what she did, I think a lot of folks in this day and age are in some ways very similar – whether it’s showing that they have the best idea for a proposal or that they grieve the best, if it’s not done in public, it’s not done at all. And JA is the patron saint of that mentality.

    OK, end rant – I took a redeye out of LA last night and I’m a bit punchy. All I know for certain is that I’m so, so glad this catlady and catdude community is back live and on the air. Carry on!

    • some catlady says:

      Death in the family is a freakout and the survivors sometimes act in ways they wouldn’t in normal times. I’m inclined to be forgiving to people in their mourning (even JA!).

    • melting marionette says:

      sending you thoughts, strength and hugs captaingary.

    • Little Orphan Lilly says:

      I’m sorry for your loss, CaptainGary. Even if a relative has had a long and happy life it can still be tough to lose them.

      And yes, I think if Julia were a normal person who’d put up that photo, I would cut her more slack. But coming along on a trail worn down by YEARS of that kind of famewhoring, I don’t think it’s her processing grief and maybe doing something a bit odd. I think she’d have to feel normal human emotions to do that, and I really don’t think she does.

  8. The_Manta says:

    [img]http://i.imgur.com/TGWYB.gif[/img]

    • Malformed Face (Like a Bloated Deli Ham Left in a Hot Mercedes C Class) says:

      TWINSIES, what the what????

  9. Tremendous Liar; Donkey Repugnant says:

    “I [am just like] Lena Dunham.”

    Isn’t it great that whenever a woman gains a mainstream reputation for being smart and/or classy, Donkey instantly leaps up on her hind legs and brays, “OMG, SHE’S JUST LIKE ME!!!!!!” Kate Middleton, Lena Dunham, various actresses, etc, etc, etc.

    • Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

      Because she is motherfucking mental.

      • Ass Baughers Syndrome says:

        Maybe she was talking “looks” wise, you know, tiny on top and bottom heavy.

        • Ass Baughers Syndrome says:

          Oh, and that when her parents don’t support her she grifts her way through life.

    • Norse Horse, Task Ass says:

      Lena Dunham has already achieved more at 26 than Donks ever shall in her whole life. The Zooey self-comparison is predictable; the Lena one makes be guffaw with disbelief. So full of shit.

      Thought experiment: Imagine what Julia Allison a few years ago would have thought of Dunham, or her character Hannah, had she met her at some media party or something. I can only imagine contempt, she would’ve probably snubbed her. Not tiny or cute enough. Now that “Girls” is a success, she’s all over that, comparing herself to Lena. (Who I think is bright and talented.) Just pathetic.

      • Handbag Cohen Stuffed With Hair says:

        Completely agree. Lena Dunham is amazing.

      • Stripper Shoes at Burning Man says:

        Lena Dunham has an actual job.

      • Joardache & the Pelts says:

        I appreciate “girls” and Lena Dunham. I think the show presents a specific and unique point of view which rings true – privilege included. Dunham is unabashed and the rest of the cast do a tremendous job of skirting the unlikable and bringing to life the fatuousness of being aimless in Brooklyn ( in my day it was LES). I can relate to all the warts and awkwardnes. It’s a great ensemble and I see a lot of myself and my friends (at a yunger age) in it. I don’t think Julia has even seen the show and I suspect she’s been to brooklyn maybe twice and took
        a cab. I also don’t think she has really seen New Girl and only has a vague idealized concept of Zoey Deschanel. Love em or leave em, both Deschanel and Dunham produce stuff, have appealing timing, and are decidedly not hitched to the boyfriend wagon to make stuff happen. And they have cooler parents. Sad Julia.

        • Malformed Face (Like a Bloated Deli Ham Left in a Hot Mercedes C Class) says:

          In Donkey’s mind, three guys are paying attention to Zooey in the New Girl SO IT’S HER FAVORITE SHOW!!!!!

          And Lena is getting LOTS OF PRESS AND RICH MEN (YOO HOO JUDD APATOW AND FRIENDS!!!!!) are paying attention so Donkey wants some of that, GUURL!!!!!

          • Who do you think you are? says:

            When Louis CK tweeted her and told her he was a fan, keep going, I thought, “Now THAT is a girl who has made it.” A completely different kind of validation from a man.

    • pearipathetic donkey says:

      Calm down Kevin! Obviously, they are both single Jewish ladies trying to make it in this world.

  10. Jack the Bulldog says:

    While Julia waits for Miss Advised to “take off,” Kristin Thorne is facing a deep dilemma:

    “So you’re incredibly tired and incredibly hungry. Do you go right to sleep or do you eat?? I keep running into this dilemma.”

    “Loyal fan” Jaime Mercado swoops in with a piece of assvice:

    “Eat something cause u may not sleep well cause ur hungry.”

    Or should Kristin follow Bill Sexton’s suggestion:

    “Do a couple lines and kiss your dilemma goodbye!”

  11. JFA says:

    Epic post. Well done julesie. Well done.

  12. Donk, Donk. Who's There? says:

    Soooo am I the only person who loves girls (the show)?

    • Ass Baughers Syndrome says:

      No, I totally watch it..I think it get a bad rap because of how connected the actresses are but I think it’s hilarious.

    • juliaspublicist's rococo pile of polyester juliaspublicist says:

      Out of curiosity, how old are both of you?

      • Ass Baughers Syndrome says:

        Well, JP, a lady never reveals her age but I’m no lady. I’m 46 and 3/4.

      • Donk, Donk. Who's There? says:

        44, married with kittens.
        Does age really matter if you just appreciate a show?
        My mother is 73 and loves the show too.

        • Donk, Donk. Who's There? says:

          p.s. I know you didn’t ask if I was married but I think you’re wondering if we are twenty-somethings and can therefore relate to the show. I wanted to further illustrate that I’m not anywhere close to where the “girls” are in life, and it still resonates with me. So that.

        • juliaspublicist's rococo pile of polyester juliaspublicist says:

          Watching the show just gives me the GET OFF MY LAWN ragies. It’s a bunch of entitled 20-somethings.

          • juliaspublicist's rococo pile of polyester juliaspublicist says:

            I should say I only watched the first episode before I was, like, fuck this.

          • Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

            It gets better as the season progresses.

          • juliaspublicist's rococo pile of polyester juliaspublicist says:

            Yeah, that’s what Dan Savage told me. I call bullshit.

          • Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

            My lover, I wouldn’t steer you wrong. I was not sure at all after the first episode, hung in for Episode 2, and then Episode 3 was suddenly awesome. Funny and sweet and smart. I laughed my head off and then cried at the end.

            So love Lena Dunham. Who the FUCK is Donkey kidding?

          • Ass Baughers Syndrome says:

            See, I’m willing to look past the entitlement factor because dunham is well aware of and embraces that criticism. I just think its an honest portrayal of a certain slice of life. The parents in the series are fantastic. Dont read the gawker recaps — they are lazy.

          • Ass Baughers Syndrome says:

            For me, it’s all about the funny and this show is funny.

          • She's a cruel and strange bitch says:

            Ok, I watched the first three episodes and I agree with your assessment. The characters seem really unlikable in the first episode, less so in the second and by the end of the third I was relating and kind of jealous that I don’t have a roommate that I can dance around with at the end of a bad day.

          • Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

            Totally!

    • Handbag Cohen Stuffed With Hair says:

      I love it. I hate-watched the first five episodes or so, then saw the warehouse party episode and realized I wasn’t hating it anymore. I care about the characters, and I want Lena Dunham to really make something of this incredible moment she’s been given. She could be a real artist, I think.

      • Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

        The only similarity she has to Lena Dunham is in the pilot episode where the parents refuse her character’s demand of $1,200 a month to pursue her “art” and cut her off.

        • Jack the Bulldog says:

          Not much of a similarity! I’ll bet Dad$er threatens to cut Julia off but always comes through in the 11th hour when he sees that Snookums really is trying to make a living. Not by getting a real job of course, but by selling her used smelly sweat suits–ewwwww!–on eBay. “See, Daddy, I really do need rent money. This non-society lifecast, this reality show, this long grift for a founder, etc., is bound to pay off any time now!

      • Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

        OMG I am watching the one where Hannah finds out her old boyfriend is gay — so funny.

        “Nice seeing you again and your father is gay.”

        • pearipathetic donkey says:

          So, is Donkey clueing us in to another similarity between her and Dunham?

    • Stripper Shoes at Burning Man says:

      LOVE it. It has zero relevance to my life, but I find it charming.

      • One Fat Melman says:

        I hated it until very recently and now watch it through a perma-cringe, but am beginning to enjoy it. Most of the characters are unbelievably annoying (especially Dunham and her tv bf), but it does have some redeeming, and very funny, moments.

        P.S. YOU GUYS, don’t think I’m nuts, but Shoshanna is by far my favorite character, with or without the crack.

        • Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

          She’s adorable and sweet. Kind of love her. She’s like a guileless, sexless, sweet version of Donkey in her pretty pink apartment with her Sex and The City obsession.

    • She's a cruel and strange bitch says:

      So, what you all are saying is that I should be watching Girls? Because I really wasn’t sure if I had room in my life for a new show, but I trust my cat ladies implicitly so I’ll make room if need be.

  13. LetItExplode says:

    So is there going to be an open thread Monday night when the show premieres?

  14. Norse Horse, Task Ass says:

    Now she’s all up @Carole Radziwill’s ass on Twitter, the new RHoNY brokeass milking her Kennedy/deposed Polish royalty connections for all it’s worth. Donks is shameless.

    • a JA moment says:

      Carole Radziwill is absolutely shameless. I read her memoir about her husband, JFK Jr, and his wife.. she mostly talked about JFK Jr (i suspect she had a crush on him) and kind of glossed over the details of her own husband. bizarreeeee.

  15. a JA moment says:

    Unrelated to this post, but months ago someone commented about how eerily similar JA is to the character from Young Adult. I am watching it right now and it is spot-on! This woman is vile, completely unhealthy, and repulsive, just like a certain Baugher..

  16. Worrisome Pelts says:

    Writing my blog for the premiere ep @BravoTV‘s #MissAdvised & while reading @CaroleRadziwill‘s for inspiration watched: youtube.com/watch?v=ucCj1V…— Julia Allison (@JuliaAllison) June 14, 2012

    Wait…then what was she writing while the show was being filmed? They filmed Amy matchmaking, Emily hosting a radio show and Donkey doing…what? Seriously. Does she pretend to write during the show? Do they explain why she’s unpublished? Why do I care?

    Pass the popcorn.

    • Perpetual Donk of Shame says:

      I’m slightly ashamed to know this but I would say she is writing a blog for the Bravo site. Though it would be hilarious if she were scrambling around trying to string words together for Elle, my money is on her blog updates and breaking news stories showing up weekly on Bravotv.com .

    • mcakez says:

      You nailed my exact thoughts. Didn’t she keep complaining about her ‘deadlines’ or whatever, and being hard at work on a column? It’s only now that she is writing things? lolwut?

      [img]http://www.latenightwithjimmyfallon.com/assets_c/2010/09/Jimmy_bieber_Popcorn_cu-thumb-350×197-14878.gif[/img]

      • mcakez says:

        Sigh. Last try on this.

        [img]http://cache.ohinternet.com/images/5/58/Jimmy-fallon-bieber-popcorn.gif[/img]

  17. Burra Fea says:

    Love the Jujubee gif, JP! I’m missing RuPaul’s Drag Race so much ever since the season ended. Donkey needs a Latrice Royale in her life to educate her on the Five Gs, “Good God Get a Grip, Girl!”

  18. Bunburying says:

    I might’ve missed earlier discussions on this, but has everyone seen this?

    http://blog.thecoquette.net/post/24983233944

  19. Fameless Shamewhore says:

    Bold text

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