I Swear To God, Julia Allison’s New Show is Not a Reality TV Version of ‘Porky’s’

I mean, you might think so looking at the ham sculpture that some would call “her face.” Anyway, the “media blitz” for Bravo’s “Miss Advised” is underway, and I would just like to pose one question for the media to ask Julia Allison to her pig face: Since when is Julia Allison a dating columnist? She hasn’t been one for since 2009 when she was fired from TONY. Last year, she was a social media columnist, and she was fired from that. And now, she is unemployed. So where is she currently dispensing dating advice? Here is Miss Pork Pie lying on a local morning show, claiming she has been a dating columnist for 10 years.

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248 Responses to I Swear To God, Julia Allison’s New Show is Not a Reality TV Version of ‘Porky’s’

  1. TJ KELLEIGH'S FISTED ASSHOLE says:

    I don’t know when this happened, but her Facebook profile photo and cover photo are both pictures of NGMB.

  2. Sad Rat In Sidewalk says:

    Wow, that photo is terrifying.

  3. juliaspublicist's rococo pile of polyester juliaspublicist says:

    • Princess WideStance says:

      Paging JP to behind the middle school… paging JP. Someone needs to make out with you in a van. Right now.

      • juliaspublicist's rococo pile of polyester juliaspublicist says:

        Last time that happened, I ended up on the internet and someone ended up on a sex offender’s registry.

      • Dr. Gary says:

        I see your van and raise you Captain Gary’s ’79 Trans Am, a 4-pack of peach wine coolers and a Madonna mix tape.

        • juliaspublicist's rococo pile of polyester juliaspublicist says:

          That depends. Which Madonna songs?

          • Dr. Gary says:

            Old school mix:

            Burnin’ Up, Borderline, Lucky Star, Dress You Up, Open Your Heart, Like A Prayer.

          • Dr. Gary says:

            Forgot to mention that is side 1 of the cassette tape. Side 2 can be all 90s.

        • Princess WideStance says:

          I just feel like REO Speedwagon would go so much better in a Trans Am, but to each their own. Or maybe Bad Company.

        • Princess WideStance says:

          BTW – this is the exact car my mom had in the 80s. She didn’t put the Indy pace car stickers on it, though. She thought that was tacky.

          [img]http://camarofinders.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/05/1982-Camaro-Indy-Pace-Car01.jpg[/img]

          • Random Snowflake says:

            Bitchin’ Camero

          • Dr. Gary says:

            Damnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn.

            Sorry, but it looks like I’m gonna have to take your mom out back behind the science building at lunch for a makeout.

        • New Year New You says:

          Oh oh oh, wine coolers and a Madonna mix, I wanna come Waaaaaaaaah.

          I could join in or video?

    • So. Blessed. says:

      JP, slain.
      Here’s my bit of car porn: [img]https://encrypted-tbn2.google.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcT1QqKHUb-HpZwEsVV9e6OhA_KM86vWnnDTMfjQQ4AG6-T2ywXdeA[/img]

      1987 Chevy Camaro, bought in high school (1995) for 3,000 smackers. She lasted through grad school. Miss that bitchin’ Camaro.

      OT: have #RHONY on as I work and Sonja Morgan looks like the love child of Michael Douglas and Glenn Close.

      • Dr. Gary says:

        Okay. That’s it. All you camaro-owning bitches GET IN THE VAN NOW. I am making out with all of you. STAT.

        Yes, that includes you, Princess WideStance. AND your mom.

        • Princess WideStance says:

          I’d only get out of my own van for you, Dr. Gary. Make room, I’m bringing my 8-track.

          • Dr. Gary says:

            Don’t forget to tell your mom to bring her wallet, some pot or to put on a sexy nightie:

            [img]http://i48.tinypic.com/jt47q9.png[/img]

        • When I was young & indulging my car wants, one was a ’76 Camaro 350 four barrel … pics are on my old laptop, but I found a similar one (mine didn’t have white leather interior, it had light blue cloth that memorialized every seed burn) … this is basically it though:
          [img]http://i188.photobucket.com/albums/z76/jerhofer/Our%20Cars/75camaro.jpg[/img]
          … I think we’re gonna get along just fine, me & you …

        • So. Blessed. says:

          I’m thinking this:
          [img]http://realitydodge.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/06/safari-mural-van-conversion.jpg[/img]

          [img]http://realitydodge.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/06/dodge-norwegian-van-aero.jpg[/img]

    • Fat Poor says:

      Agentlover?

  4. "Pilot" is the new "keynote" says:

    Feel free to relax! Being a dating columnist is like being 1/47th Jewish – it’s in your blood, even if you don’t practice for years!

  5. Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

    OMG the braying. She YELLS. SO LOUDLY. My ears!

  6. Free Donkey says:

    She’s turned into a caricature… Of a caricature.

  7. Some Girl says:

    [img]http://i50.tinypic.com/1247c7m.gif[/img]

  8. Malformed Face (Like a Balloon Left in a Hot Car) says:

    Why is she so smug? Does she not own a mirror?

    • BrayingforaMac says:

      Just out of curiousity, has Julia ever acknowledged her misshapen face and the possible causes behind it?

      • Malformed Face (Like a Balloon Left in a Hot Car) says:

        She lied to Jacy insisting she has only had botox ONE TIME!!!!! She insisted it was weight gain until she was called out with videos (restalyne and botox) and tweets (re: botox appts).

  9. Cowboys & Brayliens says:

    Truly expert dating advice.

    [img]http://i.imgur.com/vZckb.png[/img]

  10. "Pilot" is the new "keynote" says:

    Did you notice that she mentioned all the different versions of the show’s title that we angry, sort of sad adults use to make fun of it here?

    • Malformed Face (Like a Balloon Left in a Hot Car) says:

      I’ll tell you this, if Bravo gave a shit about this show, which they don’t, they would have gone bonkers that she went from Miss Advised to Miss Guided to Ill Advised or whatever. Way to confuse the (nonexistent) audience.

      Miss Advised (ad)

    • juliaspublicist's rococo pile of polyester juliaspublicist says:

      Actually, I don’t recall anyone calling the show by any of those names.

      • Dr. Gary says:

        Except at RBD.

      • Donkey of Perdition says:

        I am now accepting copyright infringement, intentional infliction of emotional distress, and battery claims (tinnitus) charges on behalf of fellow cat-ladies:

        We will pray for the following relief (get’s down on my knees)
        1. Temporary Restraining Order FORBIDDING Donkosaurus from reading RBD;
        2. Free lifetime ENT healthcare as compensatory damages;
        3. 10,000 bags of Cheetos, 20,000 boxes of Franzia, and 1 million Vicodin pills as compensatory damages;
        4. A copy of the infamous “Pilot” reel as punitive damages;
        5. For such other and further relief as Jacy and JP may deem just and proper.

        Please forward all inquiries to:

        Donkey of Perdition, Cat at Law
        Angry Hater Chatroom, Basement
        1234 Main Street
        Guam, U.S. 69696

      • Well, JP, we never called her ‘Elephant Knees’ either, but rest assured, ol’ Potato Knees up yonder is definitely pandering to her one & only stateside audience, RBD commenters.

    • Donkey of Perdition says:

      Misanthrope. I don’t think she knows what that word means.

      mis·an·thrope
      noun \ˈmis-ən-ˌthrōp\
      Definition of MISANTHROPE
      : a person who hates or distrusts humankind
      http://www.merriam-webster.com/medical/misanthrope

      NEVAH FORGHET THE ITALIAN SUPPOSITION.

  11. Can-Swiss says:

    Never let the truth get in the way of a good promo.

  12. KashMoney says:

    “My advice is stellar. It’s that I don’t take it!”

    Um, no.

    • KashMoney says:

      ETA: her advice is actually pretty good in that clip. it’s funny how it works when her advice is actually “advice” instead of “rationalization of current heinous behavior”.

  13. Jack the Bulldog says:

    Granted she’s had decades of practice but how does anyone lie on camera with a straight, if restylaned, face?! As JP notes, Donkey has not been a dating columnist for 10 years and a quick fact check will uncover the dissembling. Oh, that’s right. She’s a sociopath. That’s why she’s smiling while lying through her teef & 4 veneers.

    • KashMoney says:

      if you notice when she says that she looks down and to the right. that’s how you know she’s lying.

      the other way to know is if her lips are moving.

      • Ding! Ding! Ding!

        OT: In a class I took, taught by a lawyer (who coincidentally taught body language interpretation to LEO’s), a point he’d made was that you can determine lying by the contrived or real moment that a person takes or fakes w/ their eye movement during ‘recall’ … up & left is honest, while down & right is dishonest.

        TO EDIFY: He’d previously shown us his trick for learning to spell & remember difficult names (this was actually a real estate law class covering a lot of the Latin lingo in contracts, but anyway, his example was ‘Albuquerque’) — write the word / name out in big letters, divided by syllables, on a sheet of paper, then tear the paper in strips divided by syllables & hold each syllable up in chronological order, saying the spelling out loud as you go.

        Do this a couple or four times, however many it takes, until you’re saying the spelling in the correct alpha order. Later, when you no longer have the chant of letters in your head, so to speak, when called upon to spell the word, your natural & honest instinct is to look up & left when recalling the correct order of the letters.

        • cakez says:

          Really? I always heard “Look right to remember, look left to lie.” Of course, I’ve also heard that such devices aren’t perfect, especially when dealing with a pathological liar/sociopath.

          • Agreed. Just like the professional liars who can beat lie detectors, it’s not an absolute science.

          • juliaspublicist's rococo pile of polyester juliaspublicist says:

            Julia Allison is not a professional anything.

          • So. Blessed. says:

            Second @cakez–taught “to the left, to the left, put your eyes to the up and the left” meant eh, you might be lying.

            I am considering words I regularly misspell while I type and my eyes go up and to the right. But I was a spelling bee drone so whatever habits I picked up, mnemonics and such, have probably stayed with me. Thanks for the food for thought, Brayella.

  14. Jack the Bulldog says:

    That thrilling new RBD feature! The daily deep thought–never plural!–with Donkey’s bestie Kristin Thorne, the ABC fluffer who’s co-hosting Bravo/NBC’s OMG! Mess Despised New York “premiere.”

    “Doing a really cool story today about a kind of message in a bottle that was sent off 25 years ago and came back to the sender. Hmmm if I could put three things in a bottle they would be an ABC microphone flag, a picture of a random street in NYC and a Hershey’s bar.”

    • Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

      My God, what does it even mean?

      • Jack the Bulldog says:

        Kristin seldom provides anything resembling a context, which one should if impersonating a journalist.

    • Malformed Face (Like a Balloon Left in a Hot Car) says:

      No wonder those two ding-a-lings are friends.

    • ICrayAnAwfulLotLately says:

      “Hey KT, stop copying me! That is one of my craft projects: Random Refuse in a Recycled Bottle Time Capsule Edition.” – Britt

  15. Sacred Scrapbooks says:

    Is she being styled by Frank Oz?

  16. Handbag Cohen Stuffed With Hair says:

    Ho would never tell anyone else how to grieve but she would tell them how to date, something at which she is the Olympian of Worst? I’m guessing she doesn’t care how other people grieve because other people aren’t real to her, and her own feelings are so monstrously shallow.

    #ad

  17. Peltergeist says:

    WHEN is someone going to do their research on her?! WON’T SOMEONE THINK OF THE CHILDREN?!

  18. Skye says:

    Correct me if I’m wrong (I don’t know much about this injectable stuff) but don’t fillers eventually break down which is why they need to be re-injected again? What is she doing, demanding an entire syringe worth of injections once every 6 months so the breakdown will be minimal? Most people who get good work done have doctors who use maybe 1/8 of a bottle, if that. It is just painful to look at her now.

    • Fred says:

      You obviously don’t know how fillers work. A syringe doesn’t go a long way and in some people barely lasts two to three months. I say she’s done something else besides fillers and Botox because those two things look really good or she did so many syringes that she is now what RBD calls misshapen. Half the people you see daily you think look normal have gone filler Botox and don’t look weird. Your own aunt probably does a syringe of lip filler. It’s just so taboo nobody talks about it. Especially men.

      • Malformed Face (Like a Balloon Left in a Hot Car) says:

        So what are you saying exactly? Her fucked up bloated deli ham face is not from all the cut rate Botox and restalyne? So it’s from surgery. Yeah, maybe. Obviously this stuff does break down in the face or people wouldn’t go back over and over. And even if she is only getting a needle” 1/8 inch in” she is still getting too much of something.

        Look at Jessica Simpson, she has a ton of money and someone botched her face. Tons of celebs have botched their faces. I find whether it be fillers or botox – the women end up looking like men and the men like women.

  19. Peltergeist says:

    Yeesh. Just watched the clip. Even her brain looks swollen.

  20. Bray Against The Machine says:

    It must really suck that now BOTH sides of her face are her worst side. ;)

  21. Donkeycam Now! says:

    OMFG! What’s up with the irregular side parting?

    Methinks the hair stylist hates Donks.

  22. Bravo's Bitch says:

    Just about to sit down and watch premier of Housewives of NY. I have been waiting a year for the new season. The popcorn is popped, the vodka is poured and if I have to watch a commercial full of donkey face every break I will freak out. This is so unfair! Why is she infecting my real life? Stay on the Internet where you belong donkey!

    • helobabe says:

      I watched it, also, and the new preview features a lot more of Donkey and you can just tell she is hamming it up (literally) for the camera. It’s so forced and badly acted.

  23. cakez says:

    “Someone must have found it ironic that I was single…”

    As if execs at Bravo were just sitting around thinking, ” Wow, that Julia Allison! Such a fresh-faced nice young lady. How is she still single after TEN YEARS as a dating columnist? Let’s get her on a show!”

    Truth: ‘Someone’ = your manager, after failing to get you on the ‘Tell my ex I am not the father – we don’t even have a baby!” episode of Maury, or any kind of bite from Animal Planet (who said they only wanted cute and sympathetic animals).

    Or ‘someone’ = yourself, throwing yourself at them repeatedly saying ‘PICK ME! PICK ME! I WILL CRY ON CAMERA AND MAKE A COMPLETE ASS OF MYSELF JUST TO BE SEEN! I’VE ATTACHED PICTURES OF MYSELF AT THE KIRK ELECTION AND PHOTOBOMBING THE GUY IN THE JABA THE HUT COSTUME AT COMICCON (I’m the one in the back!)”

  24. diluted brain says:

    Everytime I watch a video of her, I can’t help but sit with a shocked expression that she is the same age as me. Her videos should be studied as reasons not to use injectables.

    Also – for a split second, I almost felt bad for her since she’ll never marry, have friends, or find success in a career but then she kept talking… Then the next minute, I thought about how Redacted(s), Pancake, and all the gang are lucky that they dodged a bullet.

  25. Skirt Pull says:

    I know she says she doesn’t wax or thread her eyebrows, but I don’t think that shape occurs in nature. I think the combo of the overdone eyebrows + Botox/fillers is what’s creating the clownish look.

    • Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

      I can’t figure it out. She didn’t use to have that Joker arch. Is she doing that to herself? If so, she needs to let them fill in or something — I just don’t know, but she needs to go back to the way her brows were three or four years ago. Jesus. So bad. The entire Muppetface thing she is working right now — the whole shape of her face is different, and it’s not weight gain.

      STOP YOU IDIOT STOP FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP

      • Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

        p.s. The left-eye wonkeye is also out of control in this video. There must have been some fresh injections.

      • Malformed Face (Like a Balloon Left in a Hot Car) says:

        LOL at Donkey recently telling you SHE ONLY DID BOTOX THAT ONE TIME!!!!

  26. AFGHANI says:

    anyone else just not giving a fuck about this tacky hick at this point? i’m not even sure i want the show to rekindle the Type A hatery-ness in my heart.

    on the other hand, this place is still great because of the cat porn and GIFs. on the other hand, i watched that stupid video of Julia and i felt bad for the morning show people for having to ham it up with Miss Piggie. but when it comes to Donk herself, i feel nothing other than a slight breeze from the cheap north-facing single pane windows in the unspeakably bleak Birthday Chicken video.

    • Dyspeptic says:

      I must admit I am anticipating some entertaining sturm und drang when the news of Pancakes’ engagement gets processed. If I know my Donks (and I think I do) this event will not pass undramatized.

      • afghani says:

        good point about pancakes. i know i get things wrong here and there, but i was right about pancakes being engaged. i’m sure julia heard about this from meagan mccain when they hung out a few weeks ago, but yet she hasn’t said anything about it that i’m aware of. kind of surprising.

      • Malformed Face (Like a Balloon Left in a Hot Car) says:

        I think Donkey might fail us on that one. She has to know. If a Type A hater from here could figure it out, I’m sure she did – especially after Jack changed his pic to one professionally taken with his hot girlfriend.

        I kind of agree with Afghani but mostly because she is so boring… so, so boring. And since she’s wrecked her face, I think her dating pool has really closed up – with no one to date and no job, I worry there will be little to parse. :(

        • afghani says:

          doesn’t it kind of feel like you’re failing as a hater? and this isn’t even stealing RRR’s schtick (being above it all). i’m still a crappy person but just couldn’t give a damn about bloated 30-something “dating columnist” reality show characters

          • CDB says:

            Maybe Dr. Gary has something for your sudden sense of having wasted three years of your life following a black hole of normal behavior.

          • CDB says:

            For me, she is like the yeast that you throw in the bread, or the beer.. She gets things rising (except what she wants to get rising)

          • Malformed Face (Like a Balloon Left in a Hot Car) says:

            No, I feel like she’s failing me! Get interesting, Donkey, quick!

        • Dyspeptic says:

          see, my theory (or is it just my secret cat lady hope?) is that once Miss Advised starts to air, and she realizes she ain’t coming off as America’s sweetheart, the Pancakes stuff is going to start festering, along with whatever else is bugging her. (family issues? Randy and Jelly D flame=outs?) Then it will explode in various strange ways.

  27. Skye says:

    Sweet mother of God. Just watched the video. My previous comment was only based upon looking at photos from the interview! When she is moving–gah! I agree with you Jacy. Now I really do think she looks like a muppet. I didn’t see it before but now it is really frightening. She looks like someone who went on a sodium binge and then tried to flush it all out at the last minute by drinking too much water–which backfired. Get some sleep, bitch! Eat normal food! Move your ass 5-6 days a week! Then you might even–shocker of all shockers– watch as your skin, hair and body maintain themselves and look better without the aid of stupid injectables and lame snake oil “maintenance” treatments! I just can’t with this. It’s bed time and I have officially hit my threshhold like a cranky toddler.

  28. Expiration date's expiration date (PP) says:

    Since when is she a Chicago anything? She lived in Chicago — in her parents’ condo — for what, nine months? And the schtick on the show is that she moved from NYC to LA with Toilet Julia, no?

    Does ANYONE fact-check ANYTHING that she puts out into the universe?

    • Sacred Scrapbooks says:

      She’s never been more than filler, so it’s not worth it. Funny thing is, some ‘credential’ gets her a two minute on-air opportunity, and she’s so off-putting she isn’t called back, so there’s no reason to question her exaggerations and outright bullshit. Then she moves on to the next venue, and makes teeth grind again.

      But the Bravo thing will be different — 6 episodes of her on a carnival midway channel that thrives on giving the public icky loons. Hard to believe the producers won’t highlight her ‘perception and presentation’ um habits.

    • Albie Quirky says:

      Chicago is so like that, though. The fact that she grew up in Wilmette makes her a Chicago girl for life as far as the local media are concerned.

      Of course we’re like that in Boston, too. The old joke that the Globe’s headline would be “CAMBRIDGE COUPLE KILLED/Entire Nation of Japan Destroyed” is funny because it’s true.

      • Donkey of Perdition says:

        I wouldn’t count on that, most Chicagoans differentiate between the suburbs and Chicago proper. The host said she was born in Wilmette, she responded I’m a sixth generation Chicagoan.

        It made no sense, if you’re born in Wilmette then by definition you cannot be a sixth generation Chicagoan. She really fails hard when she pretends to love/know about Chicago. As someone mentioned before, her knowledge base is limited to OMG condo and Hub 51.

        • Donkeycam now! says:

          The whole thing started with NGMB’s obituary, where it said she was a “fourth generation Chicagoan”.

          Donks, who never saw a claim to fame she didn’t want to top, immediately started bragging about being a SIXTH generation Chicagoan, not merely a FOURTH-generation Chicagoan like NGMB.

          See Granny? I am BETTER than you! BETTER!!! I have MORE generations THAN YOU!!! MORE!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

        • Albie Quirky says:

          I don’t know, my friends in the Chicago media all grew up in the northern suburbs, and they get lots of billing as CHICAGO NATIVE so-and-so, sometimes to their chagrin. Agree that actual Chicago people are more discriminating.

          • Albie Quirky says:

            More discriminating than most of the media outlets, I mean. After all, the reason Julie Albertson got to be on “Windy City Live!” was because she was a local girl local local local and everyone was local local local per the press releases.

            The Boston Globe celebrity “Names and Faces” page is kind of embarrassing in this respect: it’s all “NEWTON NATIVE Mindy Kaling will be starring in a movie with CAMBRIDGE’S OWN Matt Damon and PITTSFIELD SUPERSTAR Elizabeth Banks” blah blah blah.

  29. Cake Liar says:

    Oh for FUCK SAKE – the grieving is weak in this one! I think I preferred it when she was fawning over NGMB, at least then she was putting a bit of effort into something useful!

  30. cakez says:

    Only Julia Allison could travel home for a very important funeral for her dear, dear, most beloved, miniature dollhouse crafting grammy and still shoehorn in a segment on “LIVE! With Chip and Wendy!” so she can ham it up, talk about herself, and get her stupid fucking face on the television for two minutes.

    Bitch, listen closely: You are TACKY.

  31. Donkey of Perdition says:

    Donkosaurus is no longer a dating columnist, social media columnist, nor a tech columnist but is officially a relationship columnist (but never EVER a sex columnist). Apparently, she got too old and her readership didn’t appreciate her advice to take dates on walks along sewage canals.

    @JuliaAllison Haha yr so cute ;) Maybe one day you’ll be a relationship columnist instead of a dating one. Much more befitting of yr age.
    2h Julia Allison Julia Allison ‏@JuliaAllison

    @AmielPond – agree! And segueing into exactly that :-)

    p.s. wtf is the difference?

    • Albie Quirky says:

      She would have to have a relationship that lasted longer than a magazine turnaround, which I don’t think has happened since her weird engagement, has it? (Mag turnarounds are 3 to 4 months.)

    • Malformed Face (Like a Balloon Left in a Hot Car) says:

      I don’t get what that girl was trying to say? Am I dense?

      • Donkey of Perdition says:

        Why are you targeting single females as your audience, you are too old and fat? You should be targeting married women or women in long term relationships, it’s more age appropriate…wait you’re not married, you can’t hang onto a boyfriend….ohh I am sorry well at least your not old and fat. Ooops.

    • Sad Rat In Sidewalk says:

      Wow, that Twitter commenter is OBNOXIOUS. Like a woman in her early 30s should settle down and get barefoot in the kitchen? Sorry but that’s as bad as Donk’s “expiration date” shit.

      • JuLIAR Allison (will never the learn button) says:

        I didn’t read it like that – I thought the same as Donkey of Perdition. Like, isn’t it time you grew up?

    • JuLIAR Allison (will never the learn button) says:

      If you look at her twitter stream it says she wrote it 12 hours ago, which was 6am sixth generation Chicago time.

      Someone pulled an all-nighter! Who was she harassing, because she didn’t turn up here.

      • JuLIAR Allison (will never the learn button) says:

        Oh, wait. Where did Azalp Yerbua post from?

    • My Take: whomever is engaging her seems to be pointing out that Donkey never gets past the dating failure stage into the relationship success stage … why isn’t Donkey isn’t qualified? Because she’s too fucking childish to be taken seriously past 11.5 fucks, something inexcusable when you’re 31 (going on looks-43).

  32. Andy Whorehol says:

    I’d much preferred to have watched her appear on a “Millionaire Matchmaker” episode. Wouldn’t it be a hoot to watch Patti Stranger have a go at delusional Donk? It’d probably go about as well between those two as it did when that pink-wearing/SatC-obsessed/Hello Kitty-worshipping fat chick appeared on the show and came off as three times as idiotic as she is in real life. Idiotic fat chick also aggressively threw herself at guys and begged for kisses, btw.
    As Patti would say, Donks is destined to remain alone due to her “masculine energy.” Unless she hooks up with a severely pussywhipped sort of nerd/short dweeb/older shlub, that is. Yet she still thinks she can land a rich tech founder though, bless her heart.

  33. For serious?? says:

    Saw the Bravo promo last night and have just now processed it (it was in the queue behind the amount of plastic surgery 2 of the new RHONY housewives have had and how totally batshit Luann and Ramona are).

    Her #1 on her checklist for a husband is “loves me unconditionally”. At first, I thought it was a sign that on some level she knows what a cunty jerkface she is, but have since reconsidered.

    What she really means is that she wants some dumb wallet to promise to forgive and/or overlook all her terrible behavior, buy into her lifetime of lies and legalese, participate in her asinine ideas and whims and support her financially in the manner to which she thinks she deserves.

    As usual, Donkey does not know what unconditional love is/means.

    Which is neither here nor there as a selfish, tacky, stupid Donkey is never going to have it.

    Now, WTF has Carole Radziwell done to her face?

    • Bravo's Bitch says:

      Carole’s face is pretty wonked but her teeth frighten me more. Love Aviva especially when she whipped out her fake leg for a pedicure. My love for Pinot Ramona keeps growing.

      • "Pilot" is the new "keynote" says:

        Well, I found the person who likes Ramona. May I ask why you see her in a positive light?

        • Julie Booger Is Miss Advised Bravo Miss Advised Andy Cohen Miss Advised Miss Advised says:

          Not to speak out of turn, but I love Ramona too. I think it simply boils down to the fact that her cray is more sympathetic (to me; YMMV). I cannot with Luann’s haughty posturing, but Ramona is so manic and sad and desperate and clueless that I feel for her. In the end, I think Ramona wants to be a good person but I certainly can’t say that for the likes of Luann or Jill. (Her construction of that concept is a different debate.)

        • Jane says:

          I feel for both Ramona, and Vicki on the other RH. Oh, and the other crazy one, on the other other RH, Kim.

    • Peltergeist says:

      I was so disappointed at RHNY. It was just one person shouting over another person’s shouting, lots of bug-eyes and melting plastic faces. What are those lunatics on??

  34. Azalp Yerbua says:

    Well, at least she doesn’t have a little website/blog filled with sycophantic readers vying for acceptance through praise of every pathetic screed.

    Oh, sorry, she does. My bad. Carry on.

    In all seriousness, though, I just wanted to let all of the awesome, witty, brilliant people who write and comment here how much I respect you. You are wonderful, insightful, intelligent and hot.

    • Donkey of Perdition says:

      [img]http://i.imgur.com/GaybG.gif[/img]

    • Frequent Liar Miles says:

      Not sporting to like your own comment.

    • KrakenSkulls says:

      Do you have a point to make? You can’t post on a blog about how people who post on the blog are losers without being a loser yourself.

    • SchadenfreudianSlip says:

      When I was a little kid I had a book about a giraffe who came to my home and became my friend. It was one of those books where they personalize everything so its really about you. The name of the giraffe was my first name spelled backwards. pilSnaiduerfnedahcS. As I recall, he showed up at my house on [NAME OF STREET] and picked me up from my bedroom window. We then had a fun adventure around the neighborhood, including playing with my best friends [Name of Friend 1] and [Name of Friend 2].

      My sister had a similar book. Her friend was her first and middle names spelled backwards.

      Man I loved that book and that friendly giraffe.

      So I guess I’m really just asking if you are a friendly giraffe. I so hope you are.

      • Worrisome Pelts says:

        “So I guess I’m really just asking if you are a friendly giraffe. I so hope you are.”

        I will be responding to trolls on other sites with these words of wisdom.

      • Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

        Howling so hard at this:

        “The name of the giraffe was my first name spelled backwards. pilSnaiduerfnedahcS.”

      • LickedRandisCake says:

        I had one of those books! My “friendly giraffe” was a robot.

        They were pretty cool little books, actually. I still have mine.

    • Handbag Cohen Stuffed With Hair says:

      You are speaking of Julia’s own Twitter stream and FB, yes? Because her desire for sycophants is so bottomless she’s willing to purchase them.

      • Princess WideStance says:

        If that ain’t the truth. I can see why brands do it – NPR had a great story on it recently. But she does it because she just needs the props. The cheap, meaningless props of strangers and “friends” who don’t really know her. That is beyond sad.

        • Prof. F Camping Prof. F Camping says:

          did you say NPR? i was just there today (#humblebrag) and the discussion veered off into blog commenters (on NPR or other blogs/news outlets). the folks at NPR LITERALLY said that the (nuttier) commenters are sad people wearing pyjamas sitting in their mom’s basement. i was like THAT’S ME!!!!!

        • Dyspeptic says:

          I love how that works in Juliar’s head.
          Approval from people who don’t really know me=good
          Disapproval from people”who don’t really know me”=bad

          • Malformed Face (Like a Balloon Left in a Hot Car) says:

            When you’re mental it all makes sense!

        • for serious??? says:

          Tonight on All Things Considered, they interviewed and profiled Aubrey Plaza. For reals.

          I kept expecting someone to call her Azlap, thought of my cat lady friends and laughed and laughed. So, that was fun.

          This troll, on the other hand, is not a friendly giraffe.

      • Albie Quirky says:

        It’s very Sunset Boulevard, isn’t it? She’s filling the decaying mansion of her life with a selection of fans from the ‘stans…

        You were in one of my dreams last week. I was going to a premiere of a movie based on a book you’d written (imaginary for the dream) that starred Gwyneth Paltrow and Lindsay Lohan. As twins.

        • Handbag Cohen Stuffed With Hair says:

          I had a dream a couple weeks ago in which RBD vanished, and I said to Mr. Handbag, “Now I will never know Albie in real life.” It was quite sad!

    • Scooby Don't says:

      *pats Anal Yearning on the head*
      Oh, you learned some big boy words in school today…
      Aren’t you just the cutest thing?

    • juliaspublicist's rococo pile of polyester juliaspublicist says:

      I’m so over this. You take care, dear heart!

      • Princess WideStance says:

        [img]http://i549.photobucket.com/albums/ii361/fate-icons/GIF%20files/himymbarneyconfettiapplause.gif[/img]

    • Lily says:

      You sure need a lot of attention.

  35. Albie Quirky says:

    One of the things I love about “Miss Advised” is that it is now easier to explain my Julie Albertson fascination to others. “Oh, there’s this terrible reality show personality I find interesting and a really cool community of people who critique what she does in public” is much more readily comprehensible than “Oh, there’s this unemployed failure of a journalist who for some reason thinks people care about her sad life…”

  36. ThreeBlondesDown says:

    Question for my fellow cat ladies: What are you telling your friends about your connection to this show?

    For example, I was watching tv this weekend with my roommate, and I started laughing when the promo came on. My roommate knows I read a snark site, but doesn’t really know more than that. How do you explain that you have participated in an online community for three years, all based around this horrible person?

    • Prof. F Camping Prof. F Camping says:

      the first rule of RBD is you do not talk about RBD. no, but seriously:

      [img]http://files.sharenator.com/633517653611949801_lulzcat_i_do_it_for_the_lulz_moticats_FOR_TEH_LULZ_s580x464_90045_More_Demots-s750x600-189373.jpg[/img]

      • KrakenSkulls says:

        Who is demanding to know your reasons for watching a reality TV show?

        I’m still waiting for an answer from my girlfriend why she watches Toddlers and Tiaras which I consider filthy, not-enough-eyewash-available CP.

    • "Pilot" is the new "keynote" says:

      It’s a pain in the ass because it’s such a long story. I recently introduced a group of friends to another catlady at a super awesome event, and when they later asked how I knew someone so fabulous, I almost didn’t have the energy to get into it. But I ended up saying, “We met in the comments of a blog about a sociopath,” which they thought was funny and cool, and then demanded to know more. It was exhausting to explain, but now they ask me about Donk all the time and are excited to see what a loser/asshole she is on the show.

    • mule on rouge says:

      The conversation usually goes like this:

      Me: If you could travel back in time and make sure Adolf Hitler became a laughingstock instead of a dictator, simply by making fun of him in a public forum, would you?

      Future Catlady: Of course!

      Me: You’re welcome.

      • Jack the Bulldog says:

        The next time my huscat rolls his eyes when catching me on RBD–”I thought we were having a donkey free day!–I will use this Hitler analogy. Mule saves marriages!

    • Who do you think you are? says:

      I tell my cat husband, budding psychoanalyst (no, really), that I’m learning a hell of a lot about things like narcissism and sociopathy simply by watching the Donkey Show. Actually, I don’t even call her Donkey, or by her name, I just refer to “the snark site that mocks an internet asshole”. In some sense, he is suspicious about whether or not we’re ganging up on her until I tick off her offenses, like,
      -Telling whopper lies over & over and getting pissed when called out on them
      -Publicly throwing good friends under buses
      -Holding years-long grudges while dismissing her own sins as forgiven & forgotten
      -Putting forth zero effort yet expecting high-profile opportunities and showers of praise & adoration
      -Feeling no sense of compassion, empathy, or shame

      Whether or not he believes me (he can’t be bothered to The Donkey), we both agree that the internet has brought out, and in some cases encouraged, the worst traits in people.

    • Albie Quirky says:

      My huscat refers to y’all as “Your invisible friends who hate that shallow lady.”

    • fig says:

      Years ago my mom saw Julia’s page on my laptop and asked me if she was a friend of mine. I was horrified and tried to explain to her that no, this was the website of an American woman fascinating because she lived the psychotic version of the American dream. And that i needed to know how it all turned out in the end. And I am still so curious about that. I do understand the “Fake it till you make it” principle, but I refuse to believe “Fake it and don’t bother” actually works.

      • Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

        This is really quite profound: “This was the website of an American woman fascinating because she lived the psychotic version of the American dream.”

        So true!

        • miss assvice says:

          I never have to explain. She has terrified the majority of my friends at one time or another since all this started on valley wag going on 6 years now . SXSW, Valley parties, she has crashed them all.

        • Tremendous Liar; Donkey Repugnant says:

          The American dream, Donkey version: all animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others. Therefore, you should revere me!

      • Donkey of Perdition says:

        [img]http://www.inquisitr.com/wp-content/2011/12/american-psycho.jpg[/img]

      • Joardache & the Pelts says:

        When one of my friends catches RBD on my laptop or work screen or iPad and is interested enough to ask what it is I just say it’s ” fucked up and you don’t even want to get started to get into it.” Which it is.

    • diluted brain says:

      I have been wondering the same thing since I’m sure some friends will catch atleast one episode of Missadvised (I’d imagine it will be boring for others to tune in for the whole season).

      I basically just mumble something about it being too long to explain to my husband when he sees me on this site. Or I’ll say this nutcase I used to follow on gawker has a hate site and leave it at that.

    • Aspen>Tulips says:

      Whenever my huscat sees Julia Albertson’s face on an RBD post, he exclaims, “stop reading that stupid girl’s blog!” Because, like many RBD’ers, I didn’t think she was half-bad until I got a true whiff of the assholery (my breaking point was the [REDACTED] laptop incident).
      For a while after that I hate-read her blog, hence his reaction. Anyhoo, now I tell him it’s her hate site, not her blog, and he’s like, “carry on, then.”

    • Peltergeist says:

      Everyone who knows me knows I love donkeys. (Real ones.) People who glance at my computer just assume this is a donkey information website based on the title. They’re not wrong.

  37. AFGHANI says:

    So MareMare McDumbDumb BeachHair is dating a tech founder, [Redacted] got married, Cancer Dan is married, Brit Moron had the wedding that Julia always wanted, Greasy took a Tiny ‘n Cute (TM) gf to omgReunions, and Pancakes got engaged despite #Guam — how is Julia not freaking out right now? How much Xanax is she on?

    • Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

      She’s been pretty quiet — that generally means there is full-scale madness going on behind the scenes.

      1. How do we know he’s a tech founder?
      2. What is OMGReunions, and how do we know Greasy took his actual GF?

      • OMGReunions are where braless Donkeys go on daddy-daugther dates & mount other four-legged creatures of the sculptured persuasion.

      • AFGHANI says:

        MMBH calls him something like “the most innovative tech founder” on her FB. I’m paraphrasing because I don’t remember the exact words, plz don’t shoot me with the AK. I must note, he’s exactly what she said “her type” was back in the NS days. He’s kind of short, he’s blond and fair skinned, and he’s southern.

      • AFGHANI says:

        I don’t know if it was Greasy’s actual gf, I wouldn’t even know the guy if it wasn’t for RBD.

        And OT, but how did Greasy graduate his master’s program in 1 yr? Was it just a certificate program? Or is this some type of 1 yr MSE? Perhaps a result of Stanford having a quarters system?

        • I wouldn’t even know the guy if it wasn’t for RBD

          ::gasp::

          While true, that never stopped you before

          • AFGHANI says:

            I know who he is, I used to see him around a lot. However, I don’t know him in the sense that I don’t talk to him and I would see him around the boathouse and thought he was a lightweight. That was not a joke or exaggeration. I’m honestly surprised that Greasy survived the hard ass dude (Greg) who used to coach Novice (freshman) Heavies. I still have nightmares about that guy and he’s the varsity head coach last I heard. I don’t see how that guy didn’t eat Greasy alive.

          • [img]http://images.cheezburger.com/completestore/2010/5/29/129196422825268802.jpg[/img]

            (Don’t take it so seriously!)

          • AFGHANI says:

            I’m not taking it seriously, I’m not the one who went back and cross-referenced year-old posts.

            I do think @Caro’s response to my post back then was interesting. I didn’t really read it back at that time. She kind of threw Greasy under the bus, saying she was shocked he spent to much time with Julia. And LOL @ referring to Taytay being in the 3V boat… There were only 3 boats –hell, the 3rd boat wasn’t even full half the time, so they had to combine with lightweights to round out the boat. And they had some incompetent pseudo-coach who had to use one of the crappy old motorboat. I remember one day during Fall Break in senior year, it got dark early and one of the boats nearly went over the lake carnegie dam going full speed, because their idiot coach didn’t realize where they were on the lake. Like, they hit the dam at full speed and the bow seat and 1 or 2 other guys were over the edge of the dam. Pretty sure the boat was totaled. And we never saw that guy Danny again. Anyway, my point is, those are the kind of idiots that coached the leftover misfits like Greasy.

            Paging @caro, because I’m wondering if she was around during that incident or if she was off campus getting drunk like one would expect of the future VP of Cloister Club.

          • Heh. I know math is hard up in them there top-tier Ivy League schools, but < 40 days ago does not ‘year-old posts’ make.

            LOL, AFF, I’m just yanking your chain precisely because you do take it seriously, same as you do w/ generations of McCain GPA’s & Dad$er’s standing as a law partner.

          • Caroline says:

            Hi Afghani! Princeton crew trivia night is my favorite recurring special on RBD! Catladies, this is in no way relevant to the primary content of this site so please feel free to ignore.

            I never intended to “throw Greasy under the bus.” Just figured Taylor and Julia were pretty different people and wouldn’t hit it off. Julia’s never tried to pretend she’s low-maintenance, and well, Taylor’s always seemed like the kind of guy who would go for a low-maintenance girl. Also, I’m not sure which Reunions you’re referring to re: Taylor bringing a girlfriend, but per his Facebook page, he did not go this year. (I assume his profile is not public, so I won’t post a screengrab, but I’m happy to send one to mods if you really want this extremely small fact to be verified.) If he’s found a long-term GF in the bizarro-world Bay Area dating scene, more power to him!

            That said, you are correct: Greg is a Hard Ass Dude. And he is indeed now the varsity heavyweight coach. He also was…wait for it…a lightweight. And he’s like 5’7″. And he’s probably the first guy to punch anyone in the face who belittles rowers for not being 6’5″ Winklevosses. Just sayin’. :)

            PS: Hi from Chicago. Do you think they will let me into Hub 51 in my plaid shirt and jeans??!!

    • JuLIAR Allison (will never the learn button) says:

      I’m sure she is – see her 6am Chicago-time twitter posting. Donks was furiously hammering away at her keyboard aaaaaaalllll night. The crazy has been let loose, better duck’n'cover people, duck’n'cover!

    • pearipathetic donkey says:

      Don’t forget Meghan is getting a Fuck You degree from an OMGIvy!

    • "Pilot" is the new "keynote" says:

      I’m FB friends with Mary and the tech founder she talks about on her page is the CEO of Zite – which is a pretty big deal right now. But nowhere does she say they’re dating. Did I miss something, or is this like the time you had the 411 on the tragic death of Matt Beauchamp?

  38. Julia's Crypt Keeper says:

    OMG did you hear? a -stans has proposed to Donkey..will she accept?

  39. ShesJustStupid says:

    Good lord, have you seen her latest profile pic? Donks and Allie stroking Britt’s face? You just know she inserts herself into these things. Crazy.

    • The visual itself is gagariffic — worse yet, who? dafuq jumps to attn w/ a camera when Donkey brays that it’s grip & grin time?

    • cupcake cray cray says:

      it is CREEPY. I would never take a photo with me and my sister-in-law hanging on my brother, touching his face. boundaries: please get some!

      that photo screamed to me “I was here first, bitch, and you’re never going to forget it.” which…just…ew. it’s like some weird, even-more-twisted version of an electra complex.

      • Malformed Face (Like a Balloon Left in a Hot Car) says:

        Also: MASCULINE (EQUINE) ENERGY!

      • CDB says:

        I was runged

      • darling dearest says:

        I’ve said it again and again: House of Yes.

        And I guess it was more of a celebration of life instead of mourning a death, but it seems weird to me to post photos of yourself all pouty and playful at your dear grandmothers funeral.

  40. Fake Kidney Infucktion says:

    I just saw this on her bustedfacebook:
    [img]http://a1.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc7/456541_982354751055_1410512994_o.jpg[/img]
    Her. Cheek.

    • KrakenSkulls says:

      Someone described this pic as her having “take a hit off a Betsy Johnson crack pipe” and I thought it was the funniest thing ever.

    • Fueled by PMS & Chocolate says:

      The fact that she still thinks this shit is cute speaks volumes.

    • Albie Quirky says:

      If someone ever took a photo of me looking like that, I wouldn’t put it on my Facebook; I would burn the card or hard drive containing it to the merest ash and fly to Hawai’i and toss the ashes into the volcano. I might toss the camera in as well, just to be sure.

      • Fake Kidney Infucktion says:

        If my face looked like that, I’d throw it in a volcano.

        • stalker is the new fat says:

          if my face looked like that I’d hightail it to the nearest claymation studio and beg for help. These guys should be able to improve it:

          [img]http://i.telegraph.co.uk/multimedia/archive/01208/wallace_gromit_1208488c.jpg[/img]

    • Norse Horse, Task Ass says:

      I realize there’s all sorts of digital Vaseline filters here, but her neck looks especially tampered-with and blurred. You can see janky jaggies where it meets the pelt. Shoddy job.

  41. juliaspublicist's rococo pile of polyester juliaspublicist says:

    OT: This is the greatest thing ever –

  42. Worrisome Pelts says:

    Revised:

    [img]http://i49.tinypic.com/4iigl3.jpg[/img]

    captcha: twenty four seven. Oh, tinypic, you have no idea.

  43. Malformed Face (Like a Balloon Left in a Hot Car) says:

    Just to clarify, Donkey does not live in Marina del Bray. She divides her time between DF and NYC so get your facts straight, you shit heads!!!!

    http://www.nytimes.com/2012/06/07/fashion/public-offerings-high-tech-high-worth-bachelors.html?_r=1

    For women, “the ratio certainly can work in your favor,” said Julia Allison, a former tech journalist who divides her time between New York and the Bay Area, and says she finds digital entrepreneurs more satisfying partners than Wall Street moguls: “Wouldn’t you rather be with someone who was changing the world?”

    • Malformed Face (Like a Balloon Left in a Hot Car) says:

      SF, SSSF

      • Frequent Liar Miles says:

        Ha! It’s amazing that one tiny paragraph can be so rife with error. Splitting her time between SF and NYC? (No.) Tech journalist? (No.) Ratio working out in A Donkey’s favor? (NO!!)

    • Albie Quirky says:

      Ha ha ha ha ha ha like she has a choice between tech founders and Wall Street moguls.

      I find truffle-encrusted Beluga more satisfying than Beluga-encrusted truffles. Let me just finish this mac ‘n’ cheese from a box and I’ll explain why. Also, I divide my time between Paris and Tahiti.

      • Jack the Bulldog says:

        And I divide my time between Dubuque and Peoria. My, how the Times has fallen since The Judy Miller Show.

        • RollsRoyceRevenge says:

          I divide my legs between Mistress Munchhausen’s Executive Desk Toy Anal Beads.

    • Caroline says:

      Wow, this is generally one of the worst things I’ve read in the NYT in recent memory. I can envision an editor pointing out to the writer, “You know not all tech founders are male, right?” to which he hastily scribbled a closing paragraph mentioning a few female founders whom he assumes are single. And the story reads like it was written in 15 minutes to begin with.

      IMHO there’s a fairly interesting, quasi-sociological story to be told about the rise of a new kind of money in New York that runs counter in so many ways to the assumed “establishment” (I have a funny anecdote from a few years ago about a nightclub bouncer’s reaction to a well-known 30-something tech founder in Chucks and a hoodie earnestly asking if he could purchase bottle service), but this doesn’t even scratch the surface.

      • RollsRoyceRevenge says:

        Caro, Sweetie, may I call you Bears?

        What? Are you talking about?

        There is no establishment anymore, other than “white people with penises eat it all.” That used to be called “the patriarchy” until those fuckers got too lazy to wear ties.

        • Albie Quirky says:

          Meet the new boss, same as the old boss except not necessarily in a suit.

        • Caroline says:

          Ha. Yes, I respond to Bears. Do you respond to Rolls? We should debate this. I get a case of the lulz when I think about the girls I knew in college who were total wallet-chasing banker bait trying to brush up on how to attract tech guys.

          • RollsRoyceRevenge says:

            Debate all you like. Frankly, it’s all one badly-dressed blur out there these days and the exceptions are not on the sexytimes market one way or the other.

          • Caroline says:

            Agree with the lack of sexytimes market and I’m still going to call you Rolls.

Comments are closed.